It Continues

My dentist appointment for today was moved to tomorrow. This caused me to have to make several workarounds to get everything to fall into place. Even with that, things aren't any easier today because my car had to screw up again. For the third time this month. 

So I'm disheartened. I'm exhausted. I'm poorer than ever. I keep trying my best to move forward and not let things derail me but days(weeks/months/years/lifetimes) like this one don't make it easy. 

I'll do my best to stay hydrated. That seems to be all I can accomplish lately.

Cruel Summer

Last year, I was still reeling from my dad's death. In many ways, I still am, honestly. I don't really remember a lot about last summer outside of just staying in my bed most of the time.

This summer I will remember as a stressful hellpit of a summer. I lost my cat. I've had tons of dentist appointments. Lots of tooth drama. And I've had expensive car repairs. On top of that, there have just been a lot of little stressors that have eaten away at me.

The thing is, I've really tried this summer to make my life better. I'm worked hard on my diet and on my level of activity. I've set goals. I've even reached some.

None of it seems like enough though. Not with all of the outside stress.

Self Compassion

So we're doing a self-worth workbook in therapy.  This month's chapter is over self-compassion. I know this is something I struggle with a lot. It's something I don't practice as much as I should because, for a long time, I felt like it was self-indulgent and wasn't doing me any good.

However, tonight I watched a podcast by the doctor who came up with the major work on self-compassion and she mentioned that one of the key elements to it is finding ways to remove harm from yourself.

She talked about how accepting yourself completely doesn't mean accepting all of your actions and behaviors. If you are engaging in self-destructive patterns, you need to find it in yourself to love yourself enough to stop.

I think this is a key I've always been missing when it comes to weight loss. Part of me always felt like the process of losing weight was a rejection of me as a person. I've always been protective of myself because so many people rejected me because of my size. 

The problem is that I was defining ME as much by my size as everyone else was. I saw myself as 'the fat girl' and just decided I would love me as that because it's who I am. 

It isn't who I am though. Being fat is just a factor of who I am. It isn't the totality of me. It's a part of me that has been causing me issues for years and yet it is something I need to address/am addressing. I let other people defining me by my size define myself that way too. I'm not going to do that anymore.

I am worthwhile and I am worth saving.

Failure in Perspective

Ever since I was young, I've felt like a failure because I couldn't get to a healthy weight. This sense of failure was always lurking in the back of my mind. Sometimes it would move to the forefront of my mind and consume me. 

I'm in this place now where I am doing my best to shed that sense of being a failure. Not just because I'm actually losing weight but because my perspective on it is changing. 

This is a journey. It's the journey of a lifetime I suppose. I've had a lot of pitfalls and a lot of stumbling blocks, but no matter what I can always move forward. So that's what I'm doing. When I have days where I don't feel like working out or days when my calories go above my limit, I don't beat myself up over it. I just start again the next day.

The thing is, I don't want to just feel like a failure anymore. But unless I change that on my own, even losing the weight wouldn't actually alter how I viewed myself. 

Cutting It Close

We had to put the car in the shop today because it was overheating. Turns out it's the radiator and it's going to be expensive. We'll also not be getting the car back until closing tomorrow . . . hopefully.

See, the thing is, I have an appointment out of town on Thursday. We need the car because it has better AC and a smoother ride. If it's not ready by noon on Thursday, we'll have to take the van, and the van just isn't ideal (at all) for any kind of long-distance travel. 

I'm glad the car didn't start overheating while we were ON the Thursday trip, and I'm glad they figured out what was wrong with it, but I really don't like having my plans up in the air like this.

Losses and Gains

I found out today that it's a lot harder to cremate people who are really overweight. In many cases, there might only be one or two facilities in any given state that can handle someone who is 500+ lbs. 

I guess this is another reason to be happy I'm losing weight. Being cremated was always my plan for what happened after I died. It never occurred to me that once again my size might cause me issues. 

I guess getting healthier will even make death easier on me. 

Avoidance

 I've been watching a lot of My 600 Pound Life lately. I think as someone who used to be there, I can find a lot of understanding and even insight into the various stories. 

One of the things I've noticed is that I am completely avoiding a certain aspect of the show. I can handle watching the embarrassing stuff or even the painful stuff that goes along with being this heavy. However, when it comes to the moment when they confront their parents about their issues, I always skip over it. My brain just does not want to watch that specific kind of confrontation.

I'm not sure what that says about me, my mother, and my grandmother and our various unresolvable issues, but it clearly says a lot.