Surgery Soon

On the fifth of next month, I'm having surgery. It shouldn't be life-threatening or anything, but it's still scary. 

I called them today and opted to take the twilight sedation pills. I think it will make it easier for me to get through the process emotionally. 

Oddly

I actually had a positive therapy session today.  All we talked about were things I was actually doing and accomplishing. I wasn't stuck talking about my failures or backtracking or feeling horrible about things. It was all about progress.

I wanted to document this  because it's so very rare with me. Normally when it comes to therapy, I'm a mess. Today though, that was not the case. 

So yay.

Grief

It has been a year to the day since I lost my father. I'm still grieving this loss. I really hate that he is gone. 

I've felt pretty lost for the last year. I've done some positive things for myself, but really only in the last couple of months. Before that, I was just in limbo. A lot of the time, it was hard to even get out of bed. 

My dad was the last connection to the direct family I was born into. That little child part of me feels very lost. I wonder if she always will.

This Week

A year ago this week was my father's last week. It's a lot to process and I'm doing my best not to let it derail me. It certainly derailed me for long enough already.

I should probably call my stepmom and see how she's handling this. My brother is on vacation this week so he's probably distracted. He'll be okay.

Mother's Day in Reflection

 I tried to call my stepmom on Mother's Day but she didn't answer. She's lost her own mom a few year's back so maybe this is hard on her. Maybe Dad's death is hard on her on Mother's Day too. After all, he used to get her things on that day.

The only good thing that came from my father's death is that I got closer to my stepmom. I was always pretty grateful he had her in his life, but now it feels like she's in my life more. That makes me happy.

I'll try to call her again tomorrow. Maybe she'll be home this time.

Protein

Today I actually met my protein goal. That's really a lot harder than I thought it would be. It's made me really think about food in a different way. My roommate doesn't want me to be obsessive about it and I'll try not to be, but right now it's just very interesting to analyze what all I'm consuming.

The thing is, I've always thought I was educated enough about food (I wasn't) but honestly never really took the time to make myself be that way. I'm learning a whole lot right now and I think it's going to make a big difference.

Small Victories

A few days ago, a large shard of bone came out of my mouth. It bled and left a big hole. But you know what? Past that, my mouth hasn't been hurting.

That's just so....completely great. It's been so long since my mouth wasn't hurting me. It's good to just have days where I'm not having to put numbing meds in my mouth or having to just suffer. This is certainly not something I'll take for granted.