Sacrifice and Also Pie

 When I was a kid, I was taken to church every Sunday.

It was a very small church, so for a long time we only had services on Sunday morning.

I liked our preacher. In many ways, he was one of the better masc role models I had. But there were some places where he and I fundamentally did not agree.

He used to tell this story about pie. He actually told it pretty often.

In this story, the family is poor. The father does paid labor. The mother does all of the unpaid labor.

The preacher didn’t put it in those terms, of course. He said, “The dad works. The mother stays at home.”

But we all know that isn’t the reality of what was going on. He did labor that paid him. She did labor as well and received no compensation for it.

Anyway, in this story, the family has a pie for an after‑dinner treat. And the preacher would always say, “There were six people in the family. There were only five slices of pie. But… the mother said she really wasn’t that hungry anyway.”

This story was used to demonstrate the value of domestic sacrifice. It was used to praise the kind of woman he felt women should be. In his mind, her declining the pie was noble.

In my mind? Her declining the pie was bullshit.

First of all, she baked this pie. Meaning she knew how many people were in the family and what level of pie distribution needed to be happening. She would have also been the one to cut the pie. And you know what? It’s a lot easier to slice a pie into six pieces evenly than it is to slice it into five.

I guess it’s possible she did slice it into six pieces and someone else ate one of the slices already, but that still does not justify her not eating any pie. Logically, the person who ate the slice beforehand should have been the person denied pie. And if said person was her husband, who thinks that because he is a man he should get two slices of pie when everyone else gets one, then the moral of the story is “wow, so that guy’s a jerk,” not “ohhh mama’s sacrifice.”

Maybe she already ate the slice of pie, and now she’s acting like she’s sacrificing something to be dramatic and make everyone feel weird. Odd, but honestly kind of iconic in a way. Though I certainly doubt that’s what he meant.

Clearly, his point was that it’s noble when women sacrifice for their children. And I’m saying women because I don’t remember him ever telling a story where there were five bites of steak left and Daddy said he wasn’t that hungry. Some level of equity would have been nice.

Do people who opt to give birth and keep those children have an obligation to them? Yes. Those kids didn’t ask to be alive, and you’re the one who tossed them into that situation. So until they’re grown, you have a responsibility to them.

HOWEVER, that responsibility does not include erasing yourself. It does not include denying yourself. It does not include losing every moment of pleasure you might experience at the expense of others.

Do these responsibilities include resource delegation? Yes. Are there times when that is a very, very dire thing? Having read many a book about people in dire circumstances, I know it certainly can be.

Does that apply to pie? Given that if we can have pie, we’re probably not quite at the level of dire yet?

Nope. No it does not.

Eat your damned slice of pie. Everyone deserves moments of pure happiness.

Scent of the Day

 I do not wear scent in a neutral way.

There is nothing wrong with doing so, of course, but for me, scent should be another level of communication. Scent is a statement, an introduction, perhaps a couple of questions.

For this reason, I rarely wear just one scent at a time. I prefer to stack scents to create something new, something else.

This is my basic formula:

Mysterious: I want something that wakes up the imagination, something that opens a memory or perhaps makes you consider something that you cannot quite put your finger on.

Genderless: I want something neutral, almost masc leaning, something rich and textured with liquors and the scent of rain on stones, pepper or cedar or fun spices.

Femme: My flower layer, my sweeter citrus layer. Traditional, yes, but given everything else, it is tradition with a massive bend to it.

Provocative: This is the layer for all the scents that are there to excite. The scents that make you smirk for just a second. The scents that intrigue.

So what does that mean for today?

Mysterious: Korres Kyma spray

Top Notes: Lime, mandarin, and orange Heart Notes: Marine notes, watery accords, and pepper Base Notes: Cedar, vetiver, and nutmeg

Kyma has been my find of the summer. It is honestly my favorite scent at the moment. Somehow the citrus top notes and those watery middles combine to become something that evokes watermelon on a summer day. It makes me think of dragonflies and butterflies. I truly love it.

Genderless: Heretic Nosferatu spray

Top Notes: Lilac, Ambrette Heart Notes: Petrichor, Violet Absolute, Orris Concrete, Cypriol Base Notes: Vegan Ambergris, Oud, Labdanum

Normally I do my genderless layer with a rollerball, but I only have this in a spray. It works out just as well, though I am sure this would be an amazing rollerball scent. This is a rich mix of very beautiful things, but what stands out on my skin is the petrichor and the vegan ambergris. Petrichor, for me, is sunlight on wet stones after a storm. Vegan ambergris is an ethical chemical compound that to me is the basis of everything I love about gender neutral scent. Like the first layer, this layer is wet and sunny and fun.

Femme: Dolce and Gabbana Light Blue spray

Top Notes: Sicilian Lemon, Crisp Apple, Cedar, Bellflower Heart Notes: Bamboo, Jasmine, White Rose Base Notes: Cedarwood, Musk, Amber

If I am honest, I will admit this is a layer with more practical intentions and less aesthetic intention. I have a small sample of the D and G that I have promised myself I would get through this month. It is one of three very small samples that I have. They need to be used, enjoyed, and moved on.

Having said that, I am not upset about how this layers with everything else. I have a running citrus theme with a lot of the rest of this, and other elements like the cedar, musk, and amber also layer well. The bellflower adds a sense of dewiness that works with the other water layers I have going on, and the apple adds a fun, crisp contrast. I think I liked that the most.

Provocative: Skylar Lime Sands rollerball

Top Notes: Lime, Sea Salt, Verbena Heart Notes: Lily of the Valley, Coconut Water, Orange Flower Base Notes: Driftwood, Vanilla, Musk

In this case, my provocation layer is about lime and salt. Add the vanilla, coconut water, verbena, which is lemony, and the orange flower, and you get something heady and sour-sweet in all the best ways. Driftwood adds a layer of sun-bleached wood and earthiness, plus extra salt to support the sea salt. Lily of the Valley is sweet but still lemon-leaning, giving this whole layer a very cohesive theme.

In the end, what do I get?

A watermelon margarita by the lake on a sunny day after a rainstorm. A relaxed, happy, lazy day where the sun casts pretty highlights in your hair and makes your skin feel glowy and good. It is a lovely, rich stack and I am deeply pleased with it.

Beauty Lessons in Reflection

 Today I am canceling my IPSY subscription. I have enough product to last for quite a while, and continuing would only mean giving in to FOMO. I shall not do that. I shall use down the products I have and then perhaps consider subscribing again.

As this was, at its core, a quest to learn more about cosmetics and skincare, I think it’s a good idea to reflect on what I actually learned and discovered. Let’s discuss.

1. Blush is my best friend
Because I always valued a goth pallor and loathed the natural red in my cheeks, I avoided blush when I was younger. In my 50s, I find that if I stick with the old routine, I look rather dead. I mean, goth-dead, yes, but not in the way I’m going for. Blush helps a lot with that, giving me actual liveliness while still emphasizing the pallor I want.

2. Bronzer
Along the same lines, I stayed away from anything that would darken my face, even at the edges. But I’ve found that the right bronzer (in my case, very light ones) can make you look stunning and beautifully glowy. In fact, if my skincare is doing what it’s supposed to do, some days I just add a small touch of bronzer and go out like that. It works surprisingly well.

3. Minimum coverage foundation
It’s ironic that when I was younger and had stunning skin, I could apply a thick layer of Pale as Possible foundation and look fine. I probably didn’t even need it. These days, foundations that do the smallest amount of blurring are best for me. Once you reach a certain age, you want to look like a living person, and you definitely don’t want foundation caking in your wrinkles. Very light foundations help with that. Bonus: many of them are moisturizers with SPF.

4. Setting spray
Ah, the varnish level of makeup. It’s not actually that thick, but it does help things stay in place longer (which for me is still not that long) and helps the whole look make more sense.

I started with a cheap setting spray, which was serviceable. Eventually I received a higher-end one from IPSY, and that made a noticeable difference.

5. Primer
I cannot express this strongly enough: if you are a person of a certain age and your makeup just isn’t working, invest in a good primer. Skin prep is key. And this isn’t just about putting it on. It’s about putting it on and waiting while it sinks in. Give it time. Yes, this means budgeting a little more time for your routine, but letting your primer set will save you time later because you won’t be fretting over how weird everything else looks.

6. Toner
Toner was a step I wasn’t sure about before I started using it. Clean your skin, sure, but do we need toner too? Yes. Yes, we do.

Toner not only removes leftover impurities, it also restores pH balance and readies your skin for the next steps. It gives you a level playing field, and that is extremely helpful.

7. Serums and moisturizers
My roommate occasionally comments on how I slather things on my face. And I do. I slather proudly, because my skin has never been happier. Serums serve different purposes depending on your needs. I have many skin needs and use various serums accordingly. I do not do this not all at once, but as I feel drawn to one or another. There is one I use every day because it makes my skin feel and look amazing.

Moisturizing happens during the usual rituals, but also outside of them. My skin can get dry and unhappy pretty often. Adding a little moisturizer helps a lot. It restores bounce, and it’s also a small moment of mood reset and grounding.

8. Toppers
Speaking of mood resets, I’ve come to value eyeshadow toppers. Just a small pop of color on the eyelid brings cheer to the overall look. Some might argue that this is too young for me or unprofessional. I would argue back that it’s not their eyelid, so shut up. Toppers bring me joy and add to the aesthetic I’m going for.

And really? Joy is the key. Whatever you’re doing with these products should make you feel better. Not because you’re complying with beauty standards. Not because you’re performing femme like it’s a duty. But because your senses found something delightful.

If you’re not getting that, explore other products that might.

9. Scent
Speaking of joy, scent has become one of the truest pleasures I discovered in this process.

Between perfumes and scented oils, altering my scent experience can shape my day. A bit of hair mist, a touch on the wrists, or a scented moisturizer on my legs can shift my mood from “why am I continuing?” to “actually, I’m okay.” This has become important to me.

10. Layering scents
I don’t have a signature scent. I have scent moods, scent themes, scent agendas. These are usually achieved by layering something mysterious with something genderless, something femme, and then something a little provocative. Within this, I get what I’m going for. It sets the tone until the scents fade. After that, they’re replaced, perhaps with the same grouping, perhaps with something entirely different.

Further Thoughts

1. Beautiful packaging makes me happy. Moments of happiness matter, and pretty things please me.

2. Just because it’s expensive doesn’t mean it’s better. Do your research.

3. At the same time, just because it’s expensive doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. Again, do your research.

4. Cosmetics are an investment. Handle them with the same level of research, time, and energy as any investment.

5. Beauty routines are about you. This is your skin, your face, your hair, your joy. If it works for you, do it. If it doesn’t, don’t keep doing it just because.

Closing Reflection
The value I received wasn’t just blog fodder. I learned a lot about myself, my skin, my features, and the way they’re changing with time. That will continue. My skin in my fifties will not be my skin in my sixties. My skin right now may not be my skin in a year, especially after having my thyroid removed.

I will always maintain that skincare and makeup routines are not obligations. They are expressions of art. This is about the tending to and decoration of a canvas that moves, changes temperature, alters with environment, and is subject to internal shifts. It is a challenging canvas, and the challenge is always different. Like any art, the artist should create because it pleases the artist.

Pleasure, after all, is far more important than we often allow ourselves to admit.

A Thousand Enemies

 Someone I love has started college.

I am very proud of this person.

Today was this person's first day.

It should have just been a nice celebration of 'first day of school' pictures.

But then someone in the comments had to post a list of

THINGS TO TELL YOUR DAUGHTER FOR THEIR SAFETY

And I'm just.....ughh.

Look.

I know they meant well. I know they want this person to be safe and they want this person to have a happy college experience.

I certainly want that too.

But two things kind of hit me at once about the situation.

The first was that it sucks that we can't go ONE DAY without reminding someone that just because they exist in a certain body, they have to carry an extra burden around when it concerns their own safety.

As I have said before and will continue to say, no one ASKS to be born into the bodies we're born into. The fact that suddenly ALL THE SPECIAL RULES hit is just so frustrating.

But beyond that?

Look. It's roughly one in 1:3. As a person in a femme-presenting body, you have a 1:3 chance of being attacked.
So basically?

Yeah. You can opt not to get into people's cars and you can guard your drinks and bring extra cutlery and keep your keys between your fingers and not take that class because it lets out too late and not take that shift because no one will walk you to your car or not jog or not wear this or not wear that or not do anything or do everything or any of it.

But at the end of the day? It doesn't matter.

People are assaulted because they are within the proximity of a person who CHOOSES to assault them. This act that could alter so much about how you view yourself and view the world boils down to the fact that someone else decided. And you can fight them, bite them, scream at them, do anything you can to stop it, but they still made that choice. And you still have to deal with it.

I wish this person I love wisdom. I wish her speed and agility. I wish her strength and cunning, sharpness and ferocity.

But mostly? I wish that the people around her who have the option to choose harm or not choose harm, opt to do nothing at all, as doing nothing is easy and often the best path when it comes to others.

“All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a Thousand Enemies, and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you, digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be destroyed.”

The Self in Parts

 When people talk about dissociation, we often assume they just mean a separation between mind and body. I think for a lot of people, it's deeper than that. It certainly is for me.

I tend to view myself in four parts.

1. There is ME. The mind, the humor, the creativity. The weird stories, the love for my friends and obsessions. The favorites and the opinions and the theories. That's who I really am.

2. There is The Factory-Damaged Interactive Interfacing Unit.....my body. The thing I use to interface with the world that doesn't function the way it should. It often hurts. It grows weird stuff. It gets sick and snotty and it needs so much maintaining. It constantly makes demands for sleep or food or relief of some kind, and it annoys me because it keeps me from doing the stuff I actually want to do.

Now, understand, in my mind, these two aspects do not really connect. They're not the same thing. They're just unfortunately tied together.

3. There is Non-consensual Issued Labeling of The Factory-Damaged Interactive Interfacing Unit.....all the crap I have to deal with that I never asked for that is associated with bodies. Perceived gender, race, ethnic group, culture, where we're born, who we're born to, how much money we're born with, etc.

If I had my way, we could opt out of all of this because no one asked for any of it. It's all just dice rolls, and whatever you get, you suddenly have to deal with through no fault of your own. It's stupid.

It's also frustrating and rather exhausting that I have been harmed by others and almost killed by my body due to these arbitrary factors rather than anything I actually did.

4. Finally, there is the microbiome.....who can be difficult, but I like those guys. As much as my body annoys me in general, I do adore the other creatures that inhabit it. I do not see them as part of me either, but more like billions of neighbors.

IPSY Ultimate August 2026

 Weirdly, my package showed up on Sunday. That's kind of unusual, but here we are. This is my very last IPSY Ultimate until I run out of products.....and that's going to be a while.

Let's get into the haul.

MERIT

Shade Slick Gelée Tinted Lip Oil in Jeté (sheer natural)

Currently, this is sitting comfortably and smugly on my lips. It has a nice warm, soothing feel to it. It does everything a good lip oil should do....which is mostly just make your lips feel really decent. It's doing its job. It's sheer. I am content.

MAKEUP BY MARIO

Master Mascara® in Super Black

Currently unopened and will remain unopened and will be someone's gift more than likely because I just can't with another mascara. Even a good one. No offense to you, Mario, but I just can't do it. You will find a home. It will not be mine.

BEAUTY BIO

Swipe & Glow Peel Pads

After I tried on my actual makeup products, I took everything off and used these. They're pretty great. I'm currently in a situation where I'm at the dregs of a bottle of toner, so using these once a day (recommended not to use them more than that) should help the toner to last longer.

Be careful when you pull them out. I pulled out two by mistake. They're really thin.

ILIA BEAUTY

Skin Rewind Complexion Stick in Aspen 6N

The color works really well. I think it will layer nicely with whatever else I happened to have going on as far as complexion is concerned. It's probably too hot to try and use this right now, but it could be really great this fall.

MUTHA

Up All Night Eye Cream

It looks good, and it does what it's supposed to do. Having said that, be very careful when you pump some out. A very, very tiny amount goes a long way. I had this stupid line of it that I was having to try and use.

NARS COSMETICS

Afterglow Sensual Shine Lipstick in High Gear (Burnished Coral)

Basically? It's your lips but slightly brighter. That's never a bad thing. I'm always very happy with NARS packaging too because it feels very luxe and looks very luxe. Does that matter in the end? You know, usually I say no, but recently I've decided that we all need more beauty in our lives, so, yeah, yeah it matters.

KORRES

Kyma Eau de Toilette

Yeah okay. WOW. It's even better than I expected. It's heavenly really. I knew I was going to like this for the top notes of citrus, especially the lime. What I didn't expect was this stunning back kick of what almost feels like melon. Heart notes on this include marine and watery notes so my guess is that is where the melon suggestion is coming from. I have no idea. I just know I really love this.

INDIE LEE

Stem Cell Serum

This is one of those, well, we'll have to wait and see kind of products, so I'll just give you what first impressions I have. It is...surprisingly snot-like, which is rather unpleasant to rub onto the skin. It's also very difficult to get it into the pipette. You really have to work to make that happen. I'm not fond of this. However, if this does as it claims it does, I may change my mind and consider the process worth it.

So yeah, overall, this isn't a bad month to end on. I only refused one product, and everything else is very good. My favorite is the Kyma. I knew it would be, but I did not realize how MUCH it would be. It's stunning, though. I am a very happy person at the moment.

Lighting my Blunt off the Flames They Use To Burn My Witchy-Self

[Probably Spoilers in this. So yeah, avoid if you don't like them.]

As far back as I can remember, when it comes to femme characters, I always enjoyed the villains more. They had style and flair and a joie de vivre most often absent from other characters. If said production involved singing, they often had the funnest song. They usually had the most iconic costume. Were their motivations stupid? Often. But that was beside the point. Did they get punished? Oh. Almost always, but as Kiki Rockwell said in “Same Old Energy,” 'No matter what the good you did, you'll wind up at the stake.'

As I got older, this enjoyment expanded. Phyllis Dietrichson. Norma Desmond. Martha from “Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” pausing mid-stagger to announce herself a goddess. Amy Dunne.Villanelle. All those soap opera antagonists who married like 15 times. Maeve singing “20 Men from Dublin Town” as they lead her away in handcuffs. Cersei Lannister avenging herself on an entire religion by blowing up their holy temple.

As far as I am concerned, the rest of GoT doesn't exist. The show ended right then. Done. Won.

What the characters I love have in common, more than anything else, is audacity. They have the damned nerve to dress how they want, say what they want, do what they want, love (or not) who they want, do the damage they wish to do, and live as they wish . . . or fight as hard as they can to make that happen. Do they get punished for this? OH. Almost always. But for a while there, it was fun as hell.

Why is this the case for me? I mean, I'm Gen X. These are closer to the perspectives of the women I grew up around. This is Joan Jett singing “Bad Reputation,” Romeo Void singing “Never Say Never,” and the women who would smirk as they tilted their left legs just a little bit more to the left as the street preacher leaned on the fence and yelled at them for sunbathing in their own backyards.

Which is to say, I am so frustrated with the writing of House of the Dragon, specifically with the writing of Rhaenyra Targaryen. Not with the actor who plays the character, but with the writing.

Rhaenyra Targaryen is the only child of the king. That alone should have fused with her spine in such a way that anything she did, she did with confidence and zero apologies. She is also Blood of the Dragon, in a very real way, as she has a connection to a literal massive killy fire creature that can do massive damage. Her family keeps to their old traditions, clearly, meaning she should not be all that affected by the social-shame-conformity cycles that are inflicted on the general population. I mean, even with the characters who did grow up in that, we're seeing more audacity from some of them than we are from her.

Beyond that, this is not a child. This is a woman in her 30s. There is no reason for her to be this unsure about things, this incapable. In this time, as she knew she would have to fight to become queen, she would have established her own spy network, recruited her own propaganda expert, gotten three or four GOOD assassins who knew how to make things happen in such a way that no one even knew it as an assassination, had either alliances and/or blackmail on every lord in the realm, had someone train her to fight, educated herself about how to rule, and lived her life in such a way that showed she was above being questioned.

As for those questions.

Random lord: Who fathered that kid?

Rhaenyra Targaryen: Doesn't matter.

Random lord: Fathers--

Rhaenyra Targaryen: Yeah, okay, Lord Rando, you point out the family that has more status than mine.

Random lord: Uhhh.

Rhaenyra Targaryen: Exactly. My status. My last name. My bloodline. The baby came from my body. Legitimacy comes through me. Now shut up.

Other lord: Who is that man over there?

Rhaenyra Targaryen: My husband.

Other lord: No, that man there is your husband.

Rhaenyra Targaryen: I'm a Targaryen. If I want more than one husband, I have more than one husband. Now shut up, or I'll take your daddy as my third husband. Then I'll be your nightmare stepmama. And from my experience, that means I plot against you and have children to try and take your inheritance.

Eventually, they would have shut up. People can't use something against you if you own it.

Sigh.

Instead, we get an indecisive, whinging, more or less frozen, cringing, shamed, and more or less useless version of her. It's unworthy of the character. It's unworthy of the actor who plays her. And it's very annoying for the audience.

Okay, look, I'm going to talk about her death now, but if you watched GoT, you already heard how she dies, so this is not a spoiler.

My guess is that when they execute Rheanyra, she will be simpering and blubbering and broken. She may beg. She may try to make peace. Or, you know, maybe she will be defeated and just, as usual, do nothing. It will feel hollow and meaningless.

And that sucks.

Because Rhaenyra Targaryen's death should be epic, she should march to the dragon with an arm full of minitarts, popping them in her mouth as quickly as she can. As she eats, she should be singing a song in High Valyrian and dancing. Her hair should be down. She should wear her most iconic outfit. As Aegon makes whatever speech we know he's gonna make, she should just stare him down and continue to pop sweets into her mouth, then give him whatever gesture passes for flipping someone off in Valyrian, give last-minute instructions to her son, and start singing again.

This isn't just satisfying for the character, it's also satisfying for the audience. It isn't rocks falling on your head when you could have moved a foot to the left and not been hit by rocks..........wait, that didn't happen. That season of GoT doesn't exist to me.

Lately there seems to be this tendency to make characters relatable and more like real people. But what are we saying is relatable here? Crying? Disorganization? Failure to plan? Insecurity?

I mean, okay, probably sure that's most people, but is that entertaining?

Characters should be entertaining, distracting, and iconic. I want people who know the rules enough to break the rules. I want people who dig their fingers as deeply into whatever advantages they have and use them as much as they possibly can. I want characters who refuse to be shamed, who create spectacle, who dance as they set the world on fire because they know it's only going to burn them.

I don't know. Maybe the showrunners felt that if they made Rhaenyra Targaryen like this, she'd be less hated by the audience. They should have realized that any femme character is always going to have a level of haters. That's the nature of it. There is, however, a deep and profound freedom in that. When you walk in with disapproval, you're not having to maintain anything. People will change their minds when they see your qualities... or they never would have accepted you in the first place. With the first group, it's a matter of their own personal growth. With the second group? They honestly don't matter. You might as well just find their pearl-clutching amusing as you tilt your left leg farther to the left.