Hello 2025

Why do I feel like crying?

Then again, there has been a lot of time this year I felt like crying.

I began 2024 with hope. I had a lot of good stuff going on. I talked to my father twice a week. Then my dad died and everything derailed. I feel like I lost months of my life when he left. Then the election happened. Now everything sucks.

I'm going into 2025 with one hand held in front of me like a shield. I'm scared. I'm timid. I'm just not in a good place at all. 

My December wasn't bad. I missed my father but my friends made sure my holidays were good. I'm grateful for that. 

Do I start this year with hope? Yeah. I guess I can't help that. I have hope, but I'm also scared and sad and unsure about what will happen. 

Happy New Year.

Christmas and Further 2024

Our holiday was nice and quiet. We had a nice meal and some cake. I talked to some people and wished them well. It was, quite honestly, about what I wanted.

We have plans for NYE and NYD. Overall, this has been a busy holiday season for us. I'm glad. It means I'm not just  dwelling on the loss of my dad.

I did think about him a lot on my birthday. I've spent almost every Christmas Eve with him with a few exceptions. Now I'll never get to do that again. My dad always made the holidays feel better. He would sing to me. We had fun things to do. He always made it feel special. 

I'm 51 now. I'm feeling that a lot these days. I don't feel well and I'm not sure why. Hopefully that will change.

Birthday 2024

The day itself was quiet and sedate. We got food and cookies. I had some birthday booze. I thought about my dad a lot. He used to sing "Happy Birthday" to me every year on this day. It's hard not to have him here.

I wish my dad was still here. I wish he was still alive. I miss him today more than probably any other day since he passed. 

I had some very good birthday surprises though. When we went to the movies, my roommate got us popcorn. We'd not had that in a long time. One of my very close friends made me a knitted cat. Both of these things really delighted me. 

We ended up at a different restaurant yesterday than we planned. The one we wanted was closed. Thankfully, we'd decided on a backup. I enjoyed it quite a lot.

Overall, aside from missing my dad, it was a great birthday. I'm thankful for everyone who helped to make it that way.

First Event Down

We went to see the movie on Tuesday. It wasn't as difficult as it was back in the Spring, but I still had to use the walker. I'm still in some pain today, but not as much as I probably would have been a while back.

The movie was good. I enjoyed it a lot. There was only one other person in the theater. We got popcorn, which was novel for us.

Next on the agenda is the family get-together on Sunday.  After that, we go out for my birthday. At some point, the furniture is supposed to come in. Hopefully that will be on my birthday, but I'm not banking on it.

There is really a lot to look forward to. That's kind of unusual for my holidays. It's neat, really.

The Start of the Celebrations

Tomorrow we're going to see a movie for my birthday. My birthday isn't for another week, but it's fine. It's easier to see a movie the week before Christmas Eve than to see it that day. Fewer people.

I'll see my family on Sunday and then go to dinner for my birthday the following day. Our new furniture is supposed to be here at some point next week, but given that it's Christmas week, I won't be surprised if we don't get it.

The week after that, we'll spend New Year's Day with my best friend. All in all, it will be a full holiday for me. There is a lot to look forward to and a lot that my mind will probably try to be nervous about. I'll do what I can to stop that, but it isn't easy.

Plans

As far as I can tell, my holiday plans are made. We're trying our best to be practical and safe about things. There is a lot to look forward to.

And yet, the grief is still here. I just spend so much time feeling like I'm about to cry. I'm very grateful that people are being gentle with me and helping me through this time. 

It's going to be hard to celebrate with my family this year. It's going to be a situation where my dad isn't with me and with the exception one of year, I've spent every year celebrating the holidays with my dad. 

So here we go. I guess I'll have to find a way through this.

Almost

We inch ever closer to my birthday.

We're going to try and get some things handled tomorrow and it's a bigger thing than we've done in a while and it's scary. We've done our best to do research, but there is only so much research you can do about certain things. 

Hopefully it goes well.

Grief

I'm still grieving my father. Even if I don't do it out loud, my body grieves him. I feel horrible all the time. I feel laggy, tired, and broken all the time. I know it's just going to take a while to learn to live with this. 

It's been this way with other important deaths in my life. When my grandfather died, I was lost and in a fog for months. When my mother died, I went through a horrible and heavy period, years before that became a major issue for me. When my grandmother died, I bled for days from my navel.  I react very strongly to these deaths and I know that losing my father is no different.

I miss him. I want this to not have happened. I miss him so much. Christmas is coming up and it was a holiday I spent with him. I'm not sure how this is going to go. I'm trying very hard to distract myself, but it isn't easy.

Picture

When it comes to losing weight, I usually can't see it. My body seems the same to me. I get around somewhat easier. Certain equipment is easier for me to use. But for the most part, my mind tells me nothing has changed. It's hard for me to have real proof that anything is different.

Today I got in my new driver's license. I didn't hate the picture of me (I looked a lot like my mom) and when I looked at the one from four years ago, it was clear I'd lost some weight. I stared at both pictures for quite a while, noting the various differences. I also looked younger in the last one. My hair was fuller. Then again, it was four years ago. 

So yes. It is happening. Not as fast as I'd like but it is happening.