Scent Experiment II: The Hotel You Drove By

 Scent Experiment II: The Hotel You Drove By

If my more creamy, milky scents weren't going to fix the Problem Child, perhaps it was best to lean into what the Problem Child was supposed to do. Montale Sensual Instinct is an Amber Vanilla/Floral Gourmand scent that is supposed to evoke the more heady, intense, and intimate moments of life. With that in mind, I gathered up some scents that do the same thing to see if we could harmonize.

Mysterious: Nopalera Flor de Madera Top: Tamarind, Mexican Citrus Heart: Violet, Jasmine Petal, Vetiver Base: Musk, Cedarwood

Tamarind can go a lot of ways depending on the delivery. It is most often a sour/sweet note with a mix of lemon, apricot, and dates suggestions, and I certainly get that, even if it seems like a strange grouping. Mexican Citrus is usually a mix of limes from the region blended with citrus zests, which adds a more oil-leaning and intense sour to the mix. This is rather logical, really, with the tamarind.

The heart here is adding a pretty stable layer of green earthiness with the vetiver and violet, mixed with the indole from the jasmine, a chemical compound that adds a deep, sensual, and slightly rich, animalistic warmth. I tend to see this as an Earthing layer, toes-in-the-mud-after-a-rainstorm kind of layer.

The base of musk and cedarwood is common, but for me, pretty safe and predictable.

To me, Nopalera Flor de Madera smells like a secret you needed to know, always wanted to know, and now someone is holding your hand and easing you into the new level of knowledge.

Genderless: Riddle Original Base notes only in amber and musk

Riddle Original is a skin scent. It is a simple blend with a complex concept. Basically, you put it on and it marries with your body chemistry, highlighting the natural scent you produce on your own. Some people find scents like this too revealing. It makes them feel exposed. But I rather enjoy skin scents and will often use them for this layer of my stack.

Basically, what this means for the whole concept of this stack is that I am banking on the idea that amplifying my own chemical makeup can actually make the Problem Child work.

Femme: Confessions of a Rebel Get a Room Top: Forbidden apple and mandarin orange Heart: Clary sage and crisp cypress Base: Liquid vanilla, praline, and stripped-down woody notes

Did I put this on my selection list because I loved the name? Yes. Of course I did. How could I not want to own something that suggested a world of bad decisions and fun stories?

Okay, I actually looked this up because I side-eyed "forbidden apple" pretty hard. That sounded like marketing. Turns out this is a thing. It is supposed to be a dark, seductive, and spiced red apple note blended with warm gourmand sweetness and rich, boozy undertones instead of, you know, just non-forbidden apple. Mandarin orange is going to blend beautifully with anything boozy.

Clary sage can be a bit of a risk for some people, especially if people are like me and do not exactly enjoy lavender, as clary sage shares some of lavender's aspects. Thankfully, it doesn't really dwell there for me. For me, clary sage actually drifts down to something like a soft musky floral tobacco, which I enjoy quite a lot. Cypress is mossy and green, of course, but often rather inviting and clean at the same time.

One of the odd things about Get a Room is that it almost seems like the base and heart notes should be reversed. The dry down of the scent being vanilla and praline is rather different. Normally, people would structure things so that the base was the more woody layer.

The overall way this hits me is always exciting. Get a Room feels like a promise. Get a Room feels like a promise that makes good on itself, even if the pleasure is temporary.

Provocative Problem Child: Montale Sensual Instinct Top: Roasted coffee beans, mostly, with hints and suggestions of other things Heart: Praline and rose Base: Amber and cedarwood

We are already familiar with Problem Child here. My hope was that Riddle Original would give the Montale a soft, musky skin-scent base that helps neutralize powder and makes the coffee note feel more intimate. I thought that Get a Room, given that it brings the apple, the warmth, and the flirtation, would lift Montale while also leaning into its sensuality. As for the Flor de Madera, I counted on it to ground everything with dry wood and a quiet, earthy presence. In other words, a stack that creates a warm apple-and-wood scent with Montale’s roasted coffee humming underneath. I wanted it to feel like a private moment in a hotel room, something warm, close, and a little dangerous.

Result: 2/5

This smelled like... nothing. Somehow, everything canceled everything else out. There was a scent, but it was vague, vague... something, but I wasn't sure what, and it just sat there. This wasn't a memorable night of questionable but fun choices. This was more like scrolling through Netflix and never actually settling on anything. Somehow, I took a bunch of scents that evoked a whole lot of things and blended them into something that evoked... perfume, kinda/maybe.

I won't be repeating this stack again because there is absolutely no reason why I should.

Scent Experiment

 In a perfect world, or even just a practical one, it is probably best to only own perfumes you have actually smelled on your skin before buying them. In my case, almost every scent I own arrived through one subscription or another, which means I did not smell them or see how they interacted with my chemistry before they became mine.

Most of the time this has not been a problem. I have been fortunate not only to find things that were acceptable, but things that were genuinely wonderful for me. Still, I do have some problem children. These are scents that, for whatever reason, were sprayed a couple of times and made absolutely no sense to me. After that, they simply sat there, taking up space in my collection. One of them has a very cute container, which pleased me, but outside of that, there was nothing redeeming.

I do not believe in letting things sit unused forever. There had to be ways to make these scents work for me. I have not set many goals for myself this year, but I decided I would set one for September. I am going to learn to work with the problem children. I will learn to stack my scents in a way that allows the difficult ones to function on my skin.

I began with the most problematic of them all.

Mysterious Problem Child: Montale Sensual Instinct
Top notes: roasted coffee beans with hints of saffron, citrus, and cardamom
Heart notes: praline and rose
Base notes: oakmoss, amber, and cedarwood

I could have sworn when I first received this that it listed chocolate. Maybe I dreamed that. The thing is, I do not understand why this scent does not work for me. I love coffee beans and the smell of coffee. Praline should not be an issue either, since toasted nutty depth, brown sugar, and buttery warmth are usually pleasant. Oakmoss is standard and forms the core of chypres, which I am normally drawn to.

But this is not really a chypre. It is an amber vanilla pretending to be one.

I started thinking about what might be going wrong. Amber can be wonderful, but it can also smell like bad baby powder. If the praline leans toward almond, that can be powdery too. Praline can also introduce a caramel element that sometimes goes sideways. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the powdery nature was the issue. That was what I needed to neutralize.

My first theory was to tone it down by making the entire stack cream forward. Something creamy would harmonize with the coffee and hopefully override the powder.

Attempt 1

Genderless: Commodity Milk (Expressive)
Top: Cold Milk Accord
Heart: Warm Marshmallow and Toasted Sesame
Base: Mahogany Wood, Tonka Bean, and Musk

Commodity Milk is sexy. There is no other way to put it. It feels like the crackle of fire on a late October night while you sing Lou Reed songs and make s’mores at your backyard fire pit with the person who stayed after the party just because of you. It is that moment when you realize, as you do every fall, that nothing tastes quite like a melty marshmallow. My hope was that the cold milk accord and marshmallow would ease the Montale down, smoothing its harsh powdery edges and making it into something reasonable.

After that, I added two scents I trust.

Femme: Everenden Darling
Top: Strawberry, peach, pineapple
Heart: Rose, jasmine, muguet (lily of the valley)
Base: Vanilla, musk

Often when it comes to trying to tone down something powder-heavy, fruit is the way to go. The top of this, with three fruits, plus the vanilla base, looked promising. Darling, as I have mentioned before, is so good at lifting my mood. It seemed like the best bet for my femme layer of the stack.

Provocative: onekind Bone Flower

Top: Orange blossom and pink peppercorn

Heart: Tuberose, jasmine, and Turkish rose

Base: Warm sandalwood and patchouli

Sandalwood and patchouli are two of the best ways to deal with powder. Pink peppercorn was my secret hope because it brings a fizzy brightness that can wake up a dull or heavy composition. I was taking a risk by adding more rose, but the rose in these scents has never overwhelmed me.

Results: 3.5 out of 5
The stack made the Montale wearable. It was the first time I put it on and did not instantly feel the need to bathe. If I find no better solution, this is at least a solution. The powder element was still present, though. It lingered on my skin. It did not linger in the deeply unpleasant way it had when I tried the scent alone, but more in a “I can handle this until it fades” way.

Tolerable is not the goal. Tolerable is never my goal when it comes to scent. When I wear perfume, I want to feel amazing, not “reasonable ish.”

The month is young. The scents are plentiful. I will figure this out.

Late August Scent Stack

 The end of August is always a time ripe with possibilities. There’s the inevitable reflection on what one actually did with their summer (in my case, made art and dealt with medical issues), but also the rich, bubbling excitement that autumn will soon arrive. It’s a season of harsh days and slightly more merciful nights, when sleep comes easier and dreams feel deeper.

Sometimes when I build my scent stack, I plan it out. This usually happens when I know I’ll be out in public. One should, of course, be more responsible about scent in shared spaces, given how sensitive some people can be.

Other days, I let my hands choose for me, working off impulse and whatever thematic feeling I want my day to carry. Today was one of those days.

As always, I build my scent stack around four primary concepts.

Mysterious: Korres Kyma
Top Notes: Lime, mandarin, orange
Heart Notes: Marine, watery, pepper
Base Notes: Cedar, vetiver, nutmeg

Kyma is my foundation. It is the scent I always pull first. It’s the central idea everything else builds around. On me, Kyma is beautifully balanced, each aspect singing exactly as it should: citrus that yields to watery notes, settling into something rich, woody, and earthy.

Genderless: Sucreabeille Blood Drunk
Top Notes: Pomegranate, apple, black cherry
Heart Notes: Dark rum, dragon’s blood
Base Notes: Cherry tobacco, a hint of blood accord

The top notes are all ripe, red things. It's open, inviting, juicy. Dark rum and dragon’s blood add smoky elements, scents I find attractive on men, and as always, if I find it arresting on others, I find it arresting on myself.

The tobacco is the star, lending a depth that carries the whole stack into something cohesive.

Blood accord is an engineered compound meant to simulate the scent of blood. It’s a complicated addition, one many people would find revolting. To me, it pushes the copper forward as a metallic thread that gives the entire stack the balance it needs.

Femme: Evereden Darling
Top Notes: Strawberry, peach, pineapple
Heart Notes: Rose, jasmine, muguet (lily of the valley)
Base Notes: Vanilla, musk

My femme layer is always where I play with contrast. I tend toward gender-neutral, unisex, almost masc-coded elements because they please me, so this layer often becomes the space where I reach for my most femme-coded scents. With Darling, the strawberry is the hero and becomes an instant mood-booster that layers beautifully with the vanilla. The peach and pineapple are subtle but present, melding well with the musk.

The heart notes are unabashedly floral. One of them is rose, which can be risky because it sometimes reads Old Lady. But Darling is youthful enough that it never tips into that territory. It doesn’t make me suddenly want to go to a yard sale or anything.

Provocative: onekind Bone Flower
Top Notes: Orange blossom, pink peppercorn
Heart Notes: Tuberose, jasmine, Turkish rose
Base Notes: Sandalwood, patchouli

When I first tested Bone Flower, it reminded me of… something. I still don’t know what. There’s a memory buried in it that I haven’t unlocked, which is one of the reasons it stays firmly in the provocative category.

All three layers do different things. Orange blossom has heady, honeyed aspects, but mostly reads clean and almost soapy. Soapy, as always, is a risky part of the mix.Soapy either feels refreshing or overpowering. In this case, though, it's rather mild. It’s a white floral, generally friendly and approachable. Pink peppercorn is a gentle, fizzy spice that leans rose, giving the top notes a clean, energetic feel.

The heart is thick and creamy, with tuberose and Turkish rose bringing milky elements. Jasmine is musky, sensual, and powdery. And yes, powdery can read Old Lady, here it simply reads clean.

The base is the real risk. Sandalwood and I have a complicated relationship. I adore it except when I don’t, and when I don’t, I can’t even be in the same room with it. Patchouli is often abused and overused, ranging anywhere from “earth mother goddess” to “regretful music festival goer who has not bathed in six days,” depending on how soil-forward it’s behaving.

Bone Flower manages to harness both without causing me problems. It’s risky, but done well enough that I’m pleased with it.

The end result of the stack makes me feel full of mystery and potential. It makes me excited for what fall could bring. Kyma is my warm foundation. It is the heat of late August sun that seems unwilling to yield to cooler days but knows it must. Bone Flower and Blood Drunk mingle into something dark red, reminding me that soon the trees will be a multitude of colors and my days will be filled with the sound of them gently crackling in the wind. Darling adds a candied suggestion, a whisper that Halloween is on the way.

It’s a good stack.

Monkey vs Ice Cream

  This is the situation with politics in my state.

So we got one party. For the sake of not really getting into the quagmire of real-life political issues, we'll call them the Monkey Party.

We have another party, and for the same reason, we'll call the Ice Cream Party.

Every election cycle, one party tries to offer the state a monkey. The other party tries to offer the state some ice cream.

During Primary Season, we usually get the following options.

1. A very angry monkey with a rusty knife that screams a lot and does a lot of rehearsed monkey dances.
2. Another monkey who is basically that first monkey, but does even more extreme monkey dances.
3. A monkey who is in a dress and has on a polite monkey diaper. This monkey screams, but often the screams are charming. But once you look deeper, you find out this monkey comes from a very destructive movement that wishes to infect everyone with monkeypox.
4. A monkey. Yes, still a monkey, but wearing a polite monkey diaper and a little hat. This monkey has a knife, but it's a pocket knife and kept in a cute little case.

If you don't get to vote in the Monkey Party Primary, you look at the monkey selection and just hope that those who do vote in it have the sense to choose Monkey 4 as their monkey.

They do not.

In the end, they'll select whatever of the other three monkeys screamed the loudest and did the best dance.

The Ice Cream Party offers up bowls of ice cream.

During the primary, you often get choices like the following.

1. A massive sundae with several different scoops of ice cream, toppings, cherries, whipped cream, and little cakes that are delightfully absorbing the ice cream as it melts to create an even better sweet treat.
2. An ice cream and candy blended treat with lots of large chunks of whatever it was blended with.
3. An old-fashioned ice cream float that may not have the level of toppings but still looks pretty great.
4. A scoop of vanilla in a paper cup.

This primary will go one of two ways.

There is about a 30% chance that 1-3 will win.
There is a 70% chance that 4 will win because everyone will decide that 4 is the safest option because toppings, blends, and being too old-fashioned might cost them votes.

When the Ice Cream Party loses (and they almost always do), if they chose 1-3, they will blame the loss on them selecting the ice cream that was too intense for everyone. If they selected 4, they'll blame it on vanilla being too bland to excite people enough to vote.

If it's a major election year, we might get half of our registered voters to actually vote. On an off year, that percentage greatly reduces.

If we had 10 people who could vote for either We Eat Ice Cream or We Get An Angry Monkey with a Knife, basically this is how it goes.

Five of those ten people do not select a monkey or ice cream.
They sit there.
Three people will vote for the monkey, in fact, scream with the monkey, do the dance with the monkey, and put flags of the monkey in the back of their truck.
One person will vote for ice cream.
The other person could vote for ice cream OR for the monkey, but it doesn't even matter because those five people who didn't vote for anything basically ensured that we got a monkey with a knife.

So yeah. Yay. Go democracy.

The Dolly of it All

 In the novel We Sold Our Souls, there is a moment where two characters with very strong opinions about music spend a long time trying to find anything they can both listen to without one of them seething. The only musician they can agree on is Dolly Parton. They put her music on, and both of them become happy. That was how it worked with Dolly.

Dolly wrote in a way that was true, open, vulnerable, and raw. All of it was delivered with a remarkable emotional clarity. She wrote about love with a self-reflective honesty that examined flawed patterns without judgment and invited listeners to choose better for themselves. She wrote about poverty in a way that was frank and real without ever being exploitative. She did not romanticize hardship. She dignified the struggle, the resourcefulness, and the strength of those who lived through it.

At the same time, Dolly used what she had to create pathways for people who were struggling. Millions of children own their favorite book because of her Imagination Library. She believed that fortune meant making a difference in as many lives as possible.

Dolly had a body shaped in a way that was automatically sexualized by the culture around her. I cannot say how this affected her private thoughts. What I do know is that she transcended that labeling so completely that she reclaimed any image or branding that might have been used to diminish her. Whenever someone tried to reduce her to her very obvious bust size, her response was essentially, “Oh yeah, hon. Sure. Now that we have that out of the way, look at all this other amazing stuff I can do.”

And that amazing stuff included a voice that sounded like sunlight reflecting golden on a flowing stream. It included writing iconic songs. It included playing multiple instruments. It included collaborations with other musicians. It included acting in several beloved and culturally significant roles. It included writing a Tony-nominated musical. It included a wig line and various lifestyle brands. It included business ventures, including Dollywood, a theme park that people adore.

Dolly was not naturally blonde. In her private life, she did not dress like a music star. The big blonde hair and the elaborate costumes were for her public appearances. She did this so she could keep her private life private and her loved ones safer. This says a great deal about her thoughtfulness and her sense of personal responsibility.

And that public persona carried a very specific energy. Dolly exuded joy. Dolly exuded acceptance. Dolly exuded a sense that you were welcome and that she saw the good in you.

Now we live in a world without her. That reality is profoundly sad. She leaves behind a legacy of actions that made the world better. That is amazing and rare. It is especially remarkable considering she was once an eighteen-year-old poor kid stepping off a Greyhound bus in Nashville with no idea how things would turn out but with a great deal of faith in her own abilities. We are all fortunate that the young woman who arrived in Nashville believed in herself.

Goodbye, Dolly. You will be missed. I will always love you.

Breaking the Cycle

 In my private women’s group on Facebook, someone posted about how proud they were that the younger generation of women are no longer tolerating the things that used to be considered normal. They are not tolerating violence, neglect, uselessness, or the lack of connection. It is genuinely wonderful to see. But in the comments, many women my age and older began blaming themselves for staying in bad situations as long as they did.

Since seeing that thread, I have thought a lot about the conversation. Not just about the original post, but about the comments from women asking themselves why they allowed certain things, why they stayed, and why they did not leave earlier. The truth is that leaving damage is incredibly difficult because most of us have a strong sense of hope and faith in people’s ability to change. And when it comes to men, the bar for what needs to change has historically been very low.

This is not a flaw in who we are. It is a flaw built into the system. It is the culture we were raised in, the examples we were given, and the messages sent to us both out loud and silently. Many of us are mothers and grandmothers who actively tell younger women not to repeat the patterns we lived through. We explain why. We talk about the actual damage done. But how many of us had mothers who did that for us. Some. How many had grandmothers who did that. Again, some, but not many.

In my own situation, my mother was essentially a cautionary tale. She moved from one disastrous relationship to another with such consistency that it almost became impressive. It takes effort to find men who do not just slip below the bar of tolerable but sink so far beneath it that they are practically buried in the dirt. I do not blame her for this. I know her history and the abuse she suffered. From my own experiences with mental illness, I understand hers. I know why she self soothed with substances and why she believed she was not worthy of decent partners. I know why she thought that if she could prove she was worth changing for, even to a terrible partner, then maybe she was worthy of love at all.

I have studied pictures of her at nineteen and realized that this is where I began. In this broken, damaged child. Understanding that does not erase or excuse the pain her children suffered, but it does allow me to heal through the situation.

My mother was part of a cycle. A cycle of untreated mental illness passed down through generations. A cycle of manipulation. Her father was, by all accounts, considered a good man. And in many ways he was. He met the basic bar for men and even went beyond it. He worked a steady job, provided for his family, was calm, did not drink or use drugs, and although he smoked, that was not considered an issue at the time. He was soft spoken, steady, and did not create a home full of nervous energy. He was a good Christian, a deacon of his church, helpful, humble, kind, caring, and would never have considered raising a violent hand to anyone. All of these things were true. None of it was fake.

But people are complicated, and another truth existed alongside all of that. He valued his birth family more than the family he created. He bought his parents a home before he built his own. When he finally built his own home, he placed it within a two minute walk of his parents so he could be there at any time. He paid their bills. As advancements happened, his parents received them first. They had indoor plumbing and electricity before his wife and children did. Only when he had additional funds did his own household receive those things. It is strange to think about now, but in rural areas during the 1950s and 60s, this was still common.

He bought cars for his parents and his sister whenever they needed one. Always. Without fail. And while that may still sound generous, it came at a cost. His wife and children were always last on the list, and it was not only that they were last. My grandmother had to cook for his parents, clean for them, run their errands, and take them places. She essentially ran two households and was not compensated for any of it.

When my uncle was eight or nine, he was sent to work at the general store his grandfather owned. The store was across the street, so he walked over after school and worked until eight every night, then worked full shifts on weekends. He was not paid. This continued for roughly eight years.

When my grandfather’s father died in the early 1960s, his mother asked for companionship. In response, my grandfather sent my mother to live with her. For some people, living with a grandmother would have been ideal. I wish it could have been that for my mother. It was not. It was servitude. My grandmother still did most of the domestic labor in her mother in law’s home, but my mother did the rest. Until she was around twelve, she was not required to cook, but she had to serve meals and wash everything afterward. She had to keep the house spotless. She once told me that her grandmother would walk through the house several times each evening, and if anything was out of order, my mother would be hit.

Her grandmother was verbally and physically violent. Often. Viciously. And my grandfather knew this. He allowed it. He created the situation that made it possible.

So was he a good man. Yes. No. It is true that his parents raised him to value them first, but at some point, when you see bruises on your child’s legs, something inside you should recognize that the situation must stop.

My point in telling this story is that my grandmother saw the patterns. She spoke up about how wrong the situation was. She did so often and loudly. For her efforts, she was labeled a nagging woman. And nothing changed.

When I was born, and the abusive grandmother died in the same year, my grandmother made decisions. She spoke to me about how things worked. She did not simply suggest that I choose differently. She insisted on it. I was fortunate to have someone who told me directly that the patterns could and should be broken. Not everyone gets that.

Modern girls walk away now. They do not allow certain behaviors to begin in the first place. They do not fear being alone because they understand that alone, for women, is often another word for peaceful and quiet. They understand that alone is misleading anyway, because people can have friends, family, roommates, and even their own children without involving a walking red flag in the matter.

They understand these things because they grew up with the message, spoken and unspoken, that they have personal value that does not depend on others. They learned that they have the right to safety, comfort, and peace. They learned that they are enough on their own.

You who raised the next generations deserve credit for telling them that the cycles should be broken. You showed them the beauty and value of independence and freedom. You worked hard to find your own healing, footing, and sense of self. I commend all of you for that.

TL;DR: We were shaped by the generations before us, but we are the ones who shape the future.

Sacrifice and Also Pie

 When I was a kid, I was taken to church every Sunday.

It was a very small church, so for a long time we only had services on Sunday morning.

I liked our preacher. In many ways, he was one of the better masc role models I had. But there were some places where he and I fundamentally did not agree.

He used to tell this story about pie. He actually told it pretty often.

In this story, the family is poor. The father does paid labor. The mother does all of the unpaid labor.

The preacher didn’t put it in those terms, of course. He said, “The dad works. The mother stays at home.”

But we all know that isn’t the reality of what was going on. He did labor that paid him. She did labor as well and received no compensation for it.

Anyway, in this story, the family has a pie for an after‑dinner treat. And the preacher would always say, “There were six people in the family. There were only five slices of pie. But… the mother said she really wasn’t that hungry anyway.”

This story was used to demonstrate the value of domestic sacrifice. It was used to praise the kind of woman he felt women should be. In his mind, her declining the pie was noble.

In my mind? Her declining the pie was bullshit.

First of all, she baked this pie. Meaning she knew how many people were in the family and what level of pie distribution needed to be happening. She would have also been the one to cut the pie. And you know what? It’s a lot easier to slice a pie into six pieces evenly than it is to slice it into five.

I guess it’s possible she did slice it into six pieces and someone else ate one of the slices already, but that still does not justify her not eating any pie. Logically, the person who ate the slice beforehand should have been the person denied pie. And if said person was her husband, who thinks that because he is a man he should get two slices of pie when everyone else gets one, then the moral of the story is “wow, so that guy’s a jerk,” not “ohhh mama’s sacrifice.”

Maybe she already ate the slice of pie, and now she’s acting like she’s sacrificing something to be dramatic and make everyone feel weird. Odd, but honestly kind of iconic in a way. Though I certainly doubt that’s what he meant.

Clearly, his point was that it’s noble when women sacrifice for their children. And I’m saying women because I don’t remember him ever telling a story where there were five bites of steak left and Daddy said he wasn’t that hungry. Some level of equity would have been nice.

Do people who opt to give birth and keep those children have an obligation to them? Yes. Those kids didn’t ask to be alive, and you’re the one who tossed them into that situation. So until they’re grown, you have a responsibility to them.

HOWEVER, that responsibility does not include erasing yourself. It does not include denying yourself. It does not include losing every moment of pleasure you might experience at the expense of others.

Do these responsibilities include resource delegation? Yes. Are there times when that is a very, very dire thing? Having read many a book about people in dire circumstances, I know it certainly can be.

Does that apply to pie? Given that if we can have pie, we’re probably not quite at the level of dire yet?

Nope. No it does not.

Eat your damned slice of pie. Everyone deserves moments of pure happiness.

Scent of the Day

 I do not wear scent in a neutral way.

There is nothing wrong with doing so, of course, but for me, scent should be another level of communication. Scent is a statement, an introduction, perhaps a couple of questions.

For this reason, I rarely wear just one scent at a time. I prefer to stack scents to create something new, something else.

This is my basic formula:

Mysterious: I want something that wakes up the imagination, something that opens a memory or perhaps makes you consider something that you cannot quite put your finger on.

Genderless: I want something neutral, almost masc leaning, something rich and textured with liquors and the scent of rain on stones, pepper or cedar or fun spices.

Femme: My flower layer, my sweeter citrus layer. Traditional, yes, but given everything else, it is tradition with a massive bend to it.

Provocative: This is the layer for all the scents that are there to excite. The scents that make you smirk for just a second. The scents that intrigue.

So what does that mean for today?

Mysterious: Korres Kyma spray

Top Notes: Lime, mandarin, and orange Heart Notes: Marine notes, watery accords, and pepper Base Notes: Cedar, vetiver, and nutmeg

Kyma has been my find of the summer. It is honestly my favorite scent at the moment. Somehow the citrus top notes and those watery middles combine to become something that evokes watermelon on a summer day. It makes me think of dragonflies and butterflies. I truly love it.

Genderless: Heretic Nosferatu spray

Top Notes: Lilac, Ambrette Heart Notes: Petrichor, Violet Absolute, Orris Concrete, Cypriol Base Notes: Vegan Ambergris, Oud, Labdanum

Normally I do my genderless layer with a rollerball, but I only have this in a spray. It works out just as well, though I am sure this would be an amazing rollerball scent. This is a rich mix of very beautiful things, but what stands out on my skin is the petrichor and the vegan ambergris. Petrichor, for me, is sunlight on wet stones after a storm. Vegan ambergris is an ethical chemical compound that to me is the basis of everything I love about gender neutral scent. Like the first layer, this layer is wet and sunny and fun.

Femme: Dolce and Gabbana Light Blue spray

Top Notes: Sicilian Lemon, Crisp Apple, Cedar, Bellflower Heart Notes: Bamboo, Jasmine, White Rose Base Notes: Cedarwood, Musk, Amber

If I am honest, I will admit this is a layer with more practical intentions and less aesthetic intention. I have a small sample of the D and G that I have promised myself I would get through this month. It is one of three very small samples that I have. They need to be used, enjoyed, and moved on.

Having said that, I am not upset about how this layers with everything else. I have a running citrus theme with a lot of the rest of this, and other elements like the cedar, musk, and amber also layer well. The bellflower adds a sense of dewiness that works with the other water layers I have going on, and the apple adds a fun, crisp contrast. I think I liked that the most.

Provocative: Skylar Lime Sands rollerball

Top Notes: Lime, Sea Salt, Verbena Heart Notes: Lily of the Valley, Coconut Water, Orange Flower Base Notes: Driftwood, Vanilla, Musk

In this case, my provocation layer is about lime and salt. Add the vanilla, coconut water, verbena, which is lemony, and the orange flower, and you get something heady and sour-sweet in all the best ways. Driftwood adds a layer of sun-bleached wood and earthiness, plus extra salt to support the sea salt. Lily of the Valley is sweet but still lemon-leaning, giving this whole layer a very cohesive theme.

In the end, what do I get?

A watermelon margarita by the lake on a sunny day after a rainstorm. A relaxed, happy, lazy day where the sun casts pretty highlights in your hair and makes your skin feel glowy and good. It is a lovely, rich stack and I am deeply pleased with it.

Beauty Lessons in Reflection

 Today I am canceling my IPSY subscription. I have enough product to last for quite a while, and continuing would only mean giving in to FOMO. I shall not do that. I shall use down the products I have and then perhaps consider subscribing again.

As this was, at its core, a quest to learn more about cosmetics and skincare, I think it’s a good idea to reflect on what I actually learned and discovered. Let’s discuss.

1. Blush is my best friend
Because I always valued a goth pallor and loathed the natural red in my cheeks, I avoided blush when I was younger. In my 50s, I find that if I stick with the old routine, I look rather dead. I mean, goth-dead, yes, but not in the way I’m going for. Blush helps a lot with that, giving me actual liveliness while still emphasizing the pallor I want.

2. Bronzer
Along the same lines, I stayed away from anything that would darken my face, even at the edges. But I’ve found that the right bronzer (in my case, very light ones) can make you look stunning and beautifully glowy. In fact, if my skincare is doing what it’s supposed to do, some days I just add a small touch of bronzer and go out like that. It works surprisingly well.

3. Minimum coverage foundation
It’s ironic that when I was younger and had stunning skin, I could apply a thick layer of Pale as Possible foundation and look fine. I probably didn’t even need it. These days, foundations that do the smallest amount of blurring are best for me. Once you reach a certain age, you want to look like a living person, and you definitely don’t want foundation caking in your wrinkles. Very light foundations help with that. Bonus: many of them are moisturizers with SPF.

4. Setting spray
Ah, the varnish level of makeup. It’s not actually that thick, but it does help things stay in place longer (which for me is still not that long) and helps the whole look make more sense.

I started with a cheap setting spray, which was serviceable. Eventually I received a higher-end one from IPSY, and that made a noticeable difference.

5. Primer
I cannot express this strongly enough: if you are a person of a certain age and your makeup just isn’t working, invest in a good primer. Skin prep is key. And this isn’t just about putting it on. It’s about putting it on and waiting while it sinks in. Give it time. Yes, this means budgeting a little more time for your routine, but letting your primer set will save you time later because you won’t be fretting over how weird everything else looks.

6. Toner
Toner was a step I wasn’t sure about before I started using it. Clean your skin, sure, but do we need toner too? Yes. Yes, we do.

Toner not only removes leftover impurities, it also restores pH balance and readies your skin for the next steps. It gives you a level playing field, and that is extremely helpful.

7. Serums and moisturizers
My roommate occasionally comments on how I slather things on my face. And I do. I slather proudly, because my skin has never been happier. Serums serve different purposes depending on your needs. I have many skin needs and use various serums accordingly. I do not do this not all at once, but as I feel drawn to one or another. There is one I use every day because it makes my skin feel and look amazing.

Moisturizing happens during the usual rituals, but also outside of them. My skin can get dry and unhappy pretty often. Adding a little moisturizer helps a lot. It restores bounce, and it’s also a small moment of mood reset and grounding.

8. Toppers
Speaking of mood resets, I’ve come to value eyeshadow toppers. Just a small pop of color on the eyelid brings cheer to the overall look. Some might argue that this is too young for me or unprofessional. I would argue back that it’s not their eyelid, so shut up. Toppers bring me joy and add to the aesthetic I’m going for.

And really? Joy is the key. Whatever you’re doing with these products should make you feel better. Not because you’re complying with beauty standards. Not because you’re performing femme like it’s a duty. But because your senses found something delightful.

If you’re not getting that, explore other products that might.

9. Scent
Speaking of joy, scent has become one of the truest pleasures I discovered in this process.

Between perfumes and scented oils, altering my scent experience can shape my day. A bit of hair mist, a touch on the wrists, or a scented moisturizer on my legs can shift my mood from “why am I continuing?” to “actually, I’m okay.” This has become important to me.

10. Layering scents
I don’t have a signature scent. I have scent moods, scent themes, scent agendas. These are usually achieved by layering something mysterious with something genderless, something femme, and then something a little provocative. Within this, I get what I’m going for. It sets the tone until the scents fade. After that, they’re replaced, perhaps with the same grouping, perhaps with something entirely different.

Further Thoughts

1. Beautiful packaging makes me happy. Moments of happiness matter, and pretty things please me.

2. Just because it’s expensive doesn’t mean it’s better. Do your research.

3. At the same time, just because it’s expensive doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. Again, do your research.

4. Cosmetics are an investment. Handle them with the same level of research, time, and energy as any investment.

5. Beauty routines are about you. This is your skin, your face, your hair, your joy. If it works for you, do it. If it doesn’t, don’t keep doing it just because.

Closing Reflection
The value I received wasn’t just blog fodder. I learned a lot about myself, my skin, my features, and the way they’re changing with time. That will continue. My skin in my fifties will not be my skin in my sixties. My skin right now may not be my skin in a year, especially after having my thyroid removed.

I will always maintain that skincare and makeup routines are not obligations. They are expressions of art. This is about the tending to and decoration of a canvas that moves, changes temperature, alters with environment, and is subject to internal shifts. It is a challenging canvas, and the challenge is always different. Like any art, the artist should create because it pleases the artist.

Pleasure, after all, is far more important than we often allow ourselves to admit.

A Thousand Enemies

 Someone I love has started college.

I am very proud of this person.

Today was this person's first day.

It should have just been a nice celebration of 'first day of school' pictures.

But then someone in the comments had to post a list of

THINGS TO TELL YOUR DAUGHTER FOR THEIR SAFETY

And I'm just.....ughh.

Look.

I know they meant well. I know they want this person to be safe and they want this person to have a happy college experience.

I certainly want that too.

But two things kind of hit me at once about the situation.

The first was that it sucks that we can't go ONE DAY without reminding someone that just because they exist in a certain body, they have to carry an extra burden around when it concerns their own safety.

As I have said before and will continue to say, no one ASKS to be born into the bodies we're born into. The fact that suddenly ALL THE SPECIAL RULES hit is just so frustrating.

But beyond that?

Look. It's roughly one in 1:3. As a person in a femme-presenting body, you have a 1:3 chance of being attacked.
So basically?

Yeah. You can opt not to get into people's cars and you can guard your drinks and bring extra cutlery and keep your keys between your fingers and not take that class because it lets out too late and not take that shift because no one will walk you to your car or not jog or not wear this or not wear that or not do anything or do everything or any of it.

But at the end of the day? It doesn't matter.

People are assaulted because they are within the proximity of a person who CHOOSES to assault them. This act that could alter so much about how you view yourself and view the world boils down to the fact that someone else decided. And you can fight them, bite them, scream at them, do anything you can to stop it, but they still made that choice. And you still have to deal with it.

I wish this person I love wisdom. I wish her speed and agility. I wish her strength and cunning, sharpness and ferocity.

But mostly? I wish that the people around her who have the option to choose harm or not choose harm, opt to do nothing at all, as doing nothing is easy and often the best path when it comes to others.

“All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a Thousand Enemies, and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you, digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be destroyed.”

The Self in Parts

 When people talk about dissociation, we often assume they just mean a separation between mind and body. I think for a lot of people, it's deeper than that. It certainly is for me.

I tend to view myself in four parts.

1. There is ME. The mind, the humor, the creativity. The weird stories, the love for my friends and obsessions. The favorites and the opinions and the theories. That's who I really am.

2. There is The Factory-Damaged Interactive Interfacing Unit.....my body. The thing I use to interface with the world that doesn't function the way it should. It often hurts. It grows weird stuff. It gets sick and snotty and it needs so much maintaining. It constantly makes demands for sleep or food or relief of some kind, and it annoys me because it keeps me from doing the stuff I actually want to do.

Now, understand, in my mind, these two aspects do not really connect. They're not the same thing. They're just unfortunately tied together.

3. There is Non-consensual Issued Labeling of The Factory-Damaged Interactive Interfacing Unit.....all the crap I have to deal with that I never asked for that is associated with bodies. Perceived gender, race, ethnic group, culture, where we're born, who we're born to, how much money we're born with, etc.

If I had my way, we could opt out of all of this because no one asked for any of it. It's all just dice rolls, and whatever you get, you suddenly have to deal with through no fault of your own. It's stupid.

It's also frustrating and rather exhausting that I have been harmed by others and almost killed by my body due to these arbitrary factors rather than anything I actually did.

4. Finally, there is the microbiome.....who can be difficult, but I like those guys. As much as my body annoys me in general, I do adore the other creatures that inhabit it. I do not see them as part of me either, but more like billions of neighbors.

IPSY Ultimate August 2026

 Weirdly, my package showed up on Sunday. That's kind of unusual, but here we are. This is my very last IPSY Ultimate until I run out of products.....and that's going to be a while.

Let's get into the haul.

MERIT

Shade Slick Gelée Tinted Lip Oil in Jeté (sheer natural)

Currently, this is sitting comfortably and smugly on my lips. It has a nice warm, soothing feel to it. It does everything a good lip oil should do....which is mostly just make your lips feel really decent. It's doing its job. It's sheer. I am content.

MAKEUP BY MARIO

Master Mascara® in Super Black

Currently unopened and will remain unopened and will be someone's gift more than likely because I just can't with another mascara. Even a good one. No offense to you, Mario, but I just can't do it. You will find a home. It will not be mine.

BEAUTY BIO

Swipe & Glow Peel Pads

After I tried on my actual makeup products, I took everything off and used these. They're pretty great. I'm currently in a situation where I'm at the dregs of a bottle of toner, so using these once a day (recommended not to use them more than that) should help the toner to last longer.

Be careful when you pull them out. I pulled out two by mistake. They're really thin.

ILIA BEAUTY

Skin Rewind Complexion Stick in Aspen 6N

The color works really well. I think it will layer nicely with whatever else I happened to have going on as far as complexion is concerned. It's probably too hot to try and use this right now, but it could be really great this fall.

MUTHA

Up All Night Eye Cream

It looks good, and it does what it's supposed to do. Having said that, be very careful when you pump some out. A very, very tiny amount goes a long way. I had this stupid line of it that I was having to try and use.

NARS COSMETICS

Afterglow Sensual Shine Lipstick in High Gear (Burnished Coral)

Basically? It's your lips but slightly brighter. That's never a bad thing. I'm always very happy with NARS packaging too because it feels very luxe and looks very luxe. Does that matter in the end? You know, usually I say no, but recently I've decided that we all need more beauty in our lives, so, yeah, yeah it matters.

KORRES

Kyma Eau de Toilette

Yeah okay. WOW. It's even better than I expected. It's heavenly really. I knew I was going to like this for the top notes of citrus, especially the lime. What I didn't expect was this stunning back kick of what almost feels like melon. Heart notes on this include marine and watery notes so my guess is that is where the melon suggestion is coming from. I have no idea. I just know I really love this.

INDIE LEE

Stem Cell Serum

This is one of those, well, we'll have to wait and see kind of products, so I'll just give you what first impressions I have. It is...surprisingly snot-like, which is rather unpleasant to rub onto the skin. It's also very difficult to get it into the pipette. You really have to work to make that happen. I'm not fond of this. However, if this does as it claims it does, I may change my mind and consider the process worth it.

So yeah, overall, this isn't a bad month to end on. I only refused one product, and everything else is very good. My favorite is the Kyma. I knew it would be, but I did not realize how MUCH it would be. It's stunning, though. I am a very happy person at the moment.

Lighting my Blunt off the Flames They Use To Burn My Witchy-Self

[Probably Spoilers in this. So yeah, avoid if you don't like them.]

As far back as I can remember, when it comes to femme characters, I always enjoyed the villains more. They had style and flair and a joie de vivre most often absent from other characters. If said production involved singing, they often had the funnest song. They usually had the most iconic costume. Were their motivations stupid? Often. But that was beside the point. Did they get punished? Oh. Almost always, but as Kiki Rockwell said in “Same Old Energy,” 'No matter what the good you did, you'll wind up at the stake.'

As I got older, this enjoyment expanded. Phyllis Dietrichson. Norma Desmond. Martha from “Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” pausing mid-stagger to announce herself a goddess. Amy Dunne.Villanelle. All those soap opera antagonists who married like 15 times. Maeve singing “20 Men from Dublin Town” as they lead her away in handcuffs. Cersei Lannister avenging herself on an entire religion by blowing up their holy temple.

As far as I am concerned, the rest of GoT doesn't exist. The show ended right then. Done. Won.

What the characters I love have in common, more than anything else, is audacity. They have the damned nerve to dress how they want, say what they want, do what they want, love (or not) who they want, do the damage they wish to do, and live as they wish . . . or fight as hard as they can to make that happen. Do they get punished for this? OH. Almost always. But for a while there, it was fun as hell.

Why is this the case for me? I mean, I'm Gen X. These are closer to the perspectives of the women I grew up around. This is Joan Jett singing “Bad Reputation,” Romeo Void singing “Never Say Never,” and the women who would smirk as they tilted their left legs just a little bit more to the left as the street preacher leaned on the fence and yelled at them for sunbathing in their own backyards.

Which is to say, I am so frustrated with the writing of House of the Dragon, specifically with the writing of Rhaenyra Targaryen. Not with the actor who plays the character, but with the writing.

Rhaenyra Targaryen is the only child of the king. That alone should have fused with her spine in such a way that anything she did, she did with confidence and zero apologies. She is also Blood of the Dragon, in a very real way, as she has a connection to a literal massive killy fire creature that can do massive damage. Her family keeps to their old traditions, clearly, meaning she should not be all that affected by the social-shame-conformity cycles that are inflicted on the general population. I mean, even with the characters who did grow up in that, we're seeing more audacity from some of them than we are from her.

Beyond that, this is not a child. This is a woman in her 30s. There is no reason for her to be this unsure about things, this incapable. In this time, as she knew she would have to fight to become queen, she would have established her own spy network, recruited her own propaganda expert, gotten three or four GOOD assassins who knew how to make things happen in such a way that no one even knew it as an assassination, had either alliances and/or blackmail on every lord in the realm, had someone train her to fight, educated herself about how to rule, and lived her life in such a way that showed she was above being questioned.

As for those questions.

Random lord: Who fathered that kid?

Rhaenyra Targaryen: Doesn't matter.

Random lord: Fathers--

Rhaenyra Targaryen: Yeah, okay, Lord Rando, you point out the family that has more status than mine.

Random lord: Uhhh.

Rhaenyra Targaryen: Exactly. My status. My last name. My bloodline. The baby came from my body. Legitimacy comes through me. Now shut up.

Other lord: Who is that man over there?

Rhaenyra Targaryen: My husband.

Other lord: No, that man there is your husband.

Rhaenyra Targaryen: I'm a Targaryen. If I want more than one husband, I have more than one husband. Now shut up, or I'll take your daddy as my third husband. Then I'll be your nightmare stepmama. And from my experience, that means I plot against you and have children to try and take your inheritance.

Eventually, they would have shut up. People can't use something against you if you own it.

Sigh.

Instead, we get an indecisive, whinging, more or less frozen, cringing, shamed, and more or less useless version of her. It's unworthy of the character. It's unworthy of the actor who plays her. And it's very annoying for the audience.

Okay, look, I'm going to talk about her death now, but if you watched GoT, you already heard how she dies, so this is not a spoiler.

My guess is that when they execute Rheanyra, she will be simpering and blubbering and broken. She may beg. She may try to make peace. Or, you know, maybe she will be defeated and just, as usual, do nothing. It will feel hollow and meaningless.

And that sucks.

Because Rhaenyra Targaryen's death should be epic, she should march to the dragon with an arm full of minitarts, popping them in her mouth as quickly as she can. As she eats, she should be singing a song in High Valyrian and dancing. Her hair should be down. She should wear her most iconic outfit. As Aegon makes whatever speech we know he's gonna make, she should just stare him down and continue to pop sweets into her mouth, then give him whatever gesture passes for flipping someone off in Valyrian, give last-minute instructions to her son, and start singing again.

This isn't just satisfying for the character, it's also satisfying for the audience. It isn't rocks falling on your head when you could have moved a foot to the left and not been hit by rocks..........wait, that didn't happen. That season of GoT doesn't exist to me.

Lately there seems to be this tendency to make characters relatable and more like real people. But what are we saying is relatable here? Crying? Disorganization? Failure to plan? Insecurity?

I mean, okay, probably sure that's most people, but is that entertaining?

Characters should be entertaining, distracting, and iconic. I want people who know the rules enough to break the rules. I want people who dig their fingers as deeply into whatever advantages they have and use them as much as they possibly can. I want characters who refuse to be shamed, who create spectacle, who dance as they set the world on fire because they know it's only going to burn them.

I don't know. Maybe the showrunners felt that if they made Rhaenyra Targaryen like this, she'd be less hated by the audience. They should have realized that any femme character is always going to have a level of haters. That's the nature of it. There is, however, a deep and profound freedom in that. When you walk in with disapproval, you're not having to maintain anything. People will change their minds when they see your qualities... or they never would have accepted you in the first place. With the first group, it's a matter of their own personal growth. With the second group? They honestly don't matter. You might as well just find their pearl-clutching amusing as you tilt your left leg farther to the left.

Ideals and Reveals

 Every so often, a piece of internet images reveals more about its creator than its subject. The conservative “Ideal Woman” meme — the one that lists traits like “Only has female friends” “Has No Social Media” and “Hates Communists” — is one of those artifacts. It presents itself as a declaration of values, a bold statement of what a “real man” supposedly wants. But beneath the surface, the meme isn’t a manifesto. It’s a confession.

What struck me when I first saw it wasn’t the usual reaction these prescriptive gender memes provoke...or, you know, try to provoke. I didn’t feel annoyance or 'owned' (typed with an eyeroll), or shame...which I assume is the reaction they wanted, or the reflexive “wow, please announce yourself so I can avoid you.” I certainly didn’t feel the faint sting of comparison — that little internal audit of “am I like this?” or “should I be like this?” Instead, I felt something quieter and more revealing.

I felt the fragility.

Because the meme isn’t about women at all. It’s about fear.

The list reads like a set of constraints rather than qualities. “Only has female friends” isn’t a value; it’s a boundary. “Hates Communists” isn’t a personality trait; it’s ideological insulation. “Modest,” “traditional,” “avoids nightlife,” “loyal,” “predictable” — these aren’t descriptors of a partner. They’re descriptors of a world where the meme maker never has to feel insecure.

The “ideal woman” in this meme is less a person and more a controlled environment. She has no mixed gender friendships, no independent social networks, no exposure to ideas he finds threatening. She is a closed system. A terrarium.

This isn’t strength. It’s hypervigilance.

The meme frames its demands as moral clarity, but psychologically they’re avoidance strategies. A partner with her own life, her own friends, her own political opinions, her own unpredictable human complexity — that’s terrifying to someone who feels fundamentally unsafe in relationships.

So the meme-maker imagines a woman who cannot contradict him, outgrow him, outshine him, or leave him. A woman whose world is small enough that he never has to confront his own inadequacy.

This shows absolutely nothing outside of self-doubt.

The meme is saying: “I need a partner who cannot threaten me.”

That’s not an ideal. That’s a fear response.

What makes the meme fascinating is how confidently it presents itself. The tone is assertive, almost triumphant — as if listing these constraints is an act of masculine authority. But the bravado is paper-thin. Every line reveals a vulnerability the creator is trying desperately to hide.

He believes he’s signaling strength. He’s actually signaling fragility.

He believes he’s describing a woman. He’s actually describing his fears.

He believes he’s setting standards. He’s actually setting limits on what he can emotionally tolerate.

The meme is a fortress built by someone who cannot bear the weather.

If you zoom out, the meme fits into a much older archetype: the Sanctified Woman, the woman who exists not as a person but as a symbol of order. She is pure, loyal, unchanging, untouched by the world. She is a vessel for male anxieties about chaos, change, and vulnerability.

But mythic women like this are always made of glass. They shatter the moment they encounter reality.

Real women — real people — have complexity, contradiction, growth, autonomy, and unpredictability. They have opinions that don’t align perfectly with yours. They have friendships you don’t control. They have histories you didn’t author. They have futures you don’t get to script.

The meme-maker isn’t ready for that. So he imagines a woman who never forces him to grow.

The “Ideal Woman” meme isn’t a portrait of desire. It’s a portrait of fear.

It’s the emotional blueprint of someone who feels endangered by normal human behavior — someone who cannot tolerate disagreement, independence, or unpredictability. Someone who mistakes control for safety and rigidity for strength.

And once you see that, the meme stops being prescriptive or offensive or even annoying. It becomes transparent. You’re not looking at an ideal. You’re looking at a coping mechanism.

The meme-maker thinks he’s announcing what he wants. He’s actually announcing what he fears.

And that’s the most remarkable part of all.

Mind you, anyone who sets down a list of their ideals is revealing a great deal about themselves. It’s unavoidable. Ideals are autobiographical. They tell us what a person fears, what they crave, what they believe they lack, and what they think will finally make them feel safe.

Most people who genuinely desire relationships want things that are beautifully ordinary: stability, safety, harmony, comfort. There is nothing wrong with any of that. These are human desires, not political ones.

But harmony isn’t a constant. Stability isn’t a guarantee. Comfort isn’t a personality trait. These things are moments — goals to be worked toward, appreciated when they appear, and valued precisely because they are not permanent. They are weather patterns, not laws of nature.

And when we speak of ideals, we’re always speaking of something fundamentally unreal. Ideals are smooth. Humans are not. We are flawed, complicated creatures who get sick, get tired, get scared, get hurt, sneeze too loudly, breathe weirdly at night, and fail in ways both small and spectacular. We are not ideals. We are organisms.

The deepest, most meaningful relationships I’ve ever seen — the ones that actually endure — are built on a foundation of choosing someone after you’ve seen their flaws. Not in spite of them, not pretending they aren’t there, but with full awareness of the messy, human reality of who they are.

It’s looking at the person next to you, seeing the cracks, the contradictions, the vulnerabilities, the habits that drive you up the wall, the fears they don’t admit, the ways they fall short — and in that moment, choosing them anyway.

That’s strength. That’s intimacy. That’s adulthood.

And it’s the exact opposite of what the “Ideal Woman” meme is trying to do.

The meme-maker wants a partner who never forces him to confront the unpredictable, uncomfortable, deeply human truth of real relationships. He wants an ideal because he is afraid of a person. He wants purity because he is afraid of complexity. He wants control because he is afraid of choice.

But relationships aren’t built on control. They’re built on choosing someone who is real.

And real people are never ideal. They’re better.

So Rough

July is ending in a very rough way. 

It's really hot and very humid and I'm in a bad place. I went to bed early last night, but it didn't matter. I kept waking up sweaty, usually every two hours. I would give anything if we had an HVAC. Being able to sleep cool during the night would make such a difference.

I'd honestly just be happy with an AC that was programmable.  That would help more than what we have going on right now.

The next few weeks are going to be very intense. Labs and appointments and surgery and then more appointments. I'm not looking forward to it, but here we are.

I need to work on stuff. I don't feel like it. My horrible headache is back, and I'm nauseous. I suspect that an actual night's sleep would help me a lot, but that's kind of impossible right now. In the meantime, I endure.

Let's Talk about the Population

 Let's talk about a decreasing population, shall we?

Currently, we have like 8.3 billion people on the planet.

Honestly, how many more people do you want here? That's an insane amount of people. 

If all these people were having a decent, lovely, self-fulfilling life, that would be one thing. But that isn't the case. Most people's lives are scary and miserable. The rich and powerful are trying even harder to make everyone's life more scary and more miserable. 

Beyond that, most people who whine about people not having enough babies never seem to look at the benefits of what a smaller population can do for you.

Environmental Relief

Lower emissions. Fewer people mean reduced greenhouse‑gas production and a smaller overall carbon footprint. We even saw a version of this during COVID lockdowns, when reduced activity led to measurable drops in emissions.

Resource recovery. Pressure eases on vital resources like fresh water, arable land, and forests. Given how strained these are in many regions, this relief is significant.

Biodiversity growth. Reduced urban sprawl allows natural habitats to expand and wildlife populations to recover. This is not a small benefit — it’s foundational to ecological stability.

Less pollution. Waste generation, plastic use, and chemical runoff all decrease when fewer people are consuming and discarding materials.

As far as the planet itself goes, a lower human population has no environmental downside.

Economic and Workplace Gains

Higher wages. Labor shortages historically increase worker leverage, pushing employers to raise compensation. Whether today’s wealthy class would respond the same way is debatable, but in theory — and historically — this pattern holds.

Automation acceleration. Companies invest more in technology and innovation to compensate for labor gaps. This can counteract some wage gains, but it also drives efficiency and new industries.

Affordable housing. Lower demand reduces real‑estate prices and overall living costs. Again, historically, this is what we’ve seen.

Wealth inheritance. With fewer heirs, generational wealth becomes more concentrated. It’s basic math: my sibling and I split an inheritance 50/50; add more siblings and each person receives less.

Infrastructure and Quality of Life

Reduced congestion. Less traffic means shorter commute times and fewer daily bottlenecks.

Public service relief. Lower population density reduces crowding in public transit, parks, and recreational spaces. It also shortens hospital wait times and improves emergency response speed.

Smaller class sizes. Schools can offer more individualized attention. This is crucial — and it also means fewer students competing for placement in strong programs and for scholarships.

Lower crime potential. Statistically, a smaller youth demographic correlates with lower overall crime rates. And now let me ask you? What are the benefits to higher populations? .............I'll wait.

Finally Happening

 The heat is finally really getting to me. I had a really bad night last night, waking up soaked in sweat and not really able to find much relief from my fans. 

I'm not happy about this. 

I'm also nervous about it because I am having surgery in a few weeks and you're supposed to be very clean before surgery. I can't help the level of sweat I'm going to have going on.  

Overall, it's just exhausting. I'm at that point where the heat is making it difficult to focus on anything. 

Aloneness

 The discussion of the 'unmarried women will end up alone' threat has been going on again.

Ughh. This is so old. 

Anyway, let's get into it.

1. Women tend to outlive men. So it's quite possible that even if you get married, you would not end your life with that person.
2. Roommates exist. Friends exist. Extended family exists.
3. Being alone is actually very peaceful. 


Actually, I think that last one is the one that most people just really do not process. Being alone is peaceful. Your house isn't silent. Your house is full of your thoughts. Your house is full of your wishes. Your house is full of your projects, accomplishments, and favorite things. 

Does this mean you're going to have to figure out who takes you to the doctor? Yes. It does.

But let me ask you to consider this. How many people who have families still end up having to figure out who will take them to the doctor because everyone is busy or not around or is so used to that person being the one who provides that they never consider what it is that person may need?

And then, let me ask you to consider this. What exactly are you asking people to give up in order to live a life to where they might not end up alone? Is that cost really worth it?

A Week of Frustrations

 This honestly should have been one of the better weeks of my life. It was not. I was discussed by people who do not know me and assumed things that were not true.

Then, in a separate situation, I was lied to and made to look like an idiot.

I am, quite honestly, just ready for this week to be over. 

Outside of just trying to work on stuff, I have no weekend plans. Maybe catch up on a couple of shows. 

There is honestly some stuff I wanted to blog about tonight, but I'm just so soul-weary from the day that I can't.

I Swear this Always Happens

 So I entered a contest and ended up as one of the Honorable Mentions.

There were four overall winners for various categories, and then ten Honorable Mentions. I was pleased — there were a massive number of entries.

However, the very first thing I saw, even before noticing that I had won, was my name mentioned in a comment thread.

Curious, I opened it. And… it was someone complaining that I won my little Honorable Mention spot. Not just me — most of the winners, actually.

Here’s the deal.

The contest was for a body of work that told a story highlighting an emotion. The rules stated that you could not submit just one image; you had to submit a series that created a narrative.

You had two choices:

Option One: Submit your work as a collection. Option Two: Submit your work as a video. Video uploads were limited to 90 seconds.

Those were literally the options provided.

My interpretation was simple: I could create a single video that told one story — a story that fits within 90 seconds. To me, the point was to tell a complete narrative within that timeframe.

So that’s what I did.

What other people understood this to mean was: You could create multiple videos that together told a very long story.

And that’s what they did.

Neither approach was explicitly right or wrong. The rules didn’t forbid either method. No one on the judging panel, and no one monitoring the contest, sent out emails saying, “This isn’t what the rules meant — please change your submission.”

As a result, the people who submitted multiple videos are now complaining that those of us who submitted one video broke the rules because we only submitted one clip.

But the rules never said “not just one clip.” They said “not just one image.” There is a difference.

And while I absolutely understand their frustration — the rules should have been clearer about what was required, what wasn’t, and what might be overkill — it doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t do anything wrong.

I also empathize with the pain of submitting (in some cases) bodies of work with 100+ pieces and feeling like it was overlooked.

However:

My win is legit. My win was earned. My work was good.

I’m not going to say anything in that comment thread. I’m not going to defend my work, because I do not defend or justify what I make. I don’t believe any creator should.

I do, however, want to acknowledge how frustrating it is that a win I should have been thrilled about is now tinged by the fact that I found out about it through someone questioning its validity.

IPSY Ultimate Sneak Peek Three for August 2026

While not disappointing like Sneak Peek Two, the third round of Ultimate reveals was still kind of a dud.

They technically “revealed” only one new item: NARS Afterglow Sensual Shine Lipstick. Everything else was already shown in previous rounds. Were those items now featured? Yes. Was it an actual reveal? Not really.

So let’s talk about the NARS. It’s a good formula. If it ends up in my box, I won’t be upset the way I would be with certain other things. Am I yearning for it? No. And with lip products, there’s always the question of shade roulette. There’s also the repeat factor — IPSY is already forcing one lip product on everyone this month. Why send two?

It’s highly unlikely IPSY will do a fourth reveal round, so this is probably it. Based strictly on what has been shown, here’s my list.

PART ONE: WHAT I KNOW I WILL GET

• MERIT Shade Slick Gelée Tinted Lip Oil

• Makeup By Mario Master Mascara

PART TWO: WHAT I HOPE I GET

• Korres Kyma Eau de Toilette

• Patrick Ta Major Headlines Double‑Take Blush Duo

• Indie Lee Stem Cell Serum

• ILIA Skin Rewind Complexion Stick

• MUTHA Up All Night Eye Cream

• Skin&Co Summer on the Riviera

PART THREE: WHAT I WON’T BE MAD AT RECEIVING BUT HOPE I DON’T

• NARS Afterglow Sensual Shine Lipstick

PART FOUR: WHAT I DO NOT WANT

• SACHAJUAN Hair Repair Treatment

• ILIA The Base Face Milk

• REL BEAUTY The Essentials Brush Set

• AREY Goodnight Grey Serum

CONCLUSION

Given that this will be my last month with IPSY, I’m not unhappy with how Ultimate looks. Am I deeply pleased? No. But I’m not unhappy either. I’m at peace with how our relationship will end.

Spirals

 I've been in a weird creative space lately. 

Sometimes I work on my larger projects. 

Other times, I spiral and just work obsessively on other things for hours at a time.

This is literally what my brain does, of course, especially when there are other stressors.

And let's face it, that is a constant these days.

My surgery is about 4 weeks away.

You know what's odd? I don't remember a lot from my last surgery. 

I remember sitting in the pre-op area with my roommate and then the next thing I remember is waking up in post-op. 

No idea what happened between those times. 

Meanwhile, a contest I entered was supposed to announce winners yesterday and did not. I don't think I won, but I would still like to know. It's frustrating. 

IPSY's third spoiler reveal comes out tomorrow. We shall have thoughts.

Motherline: A History in Reclamation

You learn a lot about yourself when you look at your ancestors. You learn a lot about them as well, but given that you are the result of what they lived through, that their DNA shaped who you are, well, yeah. You learn a lot about you. 

You also learn a lot about what people want you to give up, return to, and lose.

I can trace my motherline back ten generations. This is what we get.

10. She actually married at 23 — unusually late for her time — and to a man three years younger. She had two children. I imagine she had a spark, a bit of spunk, a sense of her own mind.

9.  Married at 16 to a husband eight years older. She had at least thirteen children. Thirteen. A life of constant labor, constant pregnancy, constant survival.

8. Married at 16, husband six years older, at least nine children. Another girl turned mother before she was grown.

7. Married at 20, husband five years older, at least seven children. A life spent raising and burying, loving and losing.

6. Married at 16, husband four years older, at least five children. A childhood traded for domestic duty.

5. Married at 16, husband eight years older, at least three children. He remarried after her, had more children, and died at 42. She died young. Her story feels like a whisper.

4. Married at 16, eight children. Her husband was sixteen years older — and the son of her employer. She was a housemaid. Her life was shaped by power she didn’t have. She had a nervous breakdown when my grandmother was 16. When they put her in the rest home, she was deeply grateful because she no longer had to sweep for herself.

3. Married at 20, two children. A small shift toward choice, toward breathing room. However, I knew this woman. I know for a fact that she never wanted to marry and did not love her husband. She did not want to have children. She just had very little choice given that it was the time period and location of where she was.

2. Married at 19, two children. A generation beginning to loosen the grip of expectation. Mind you, Mom was a very broken person. She married like 5 times to progressively worse men. 

Me. Child-free. Husband free. Free.

Now understand, I am not dismissing these women. I honor these women for their struggles and sacrifices, but dammit! I should not HAVE TO honor them for struggles and sacrifices. Their lives should have been more than struggle and sacrifice. What could they have done? What could they have achieved? What could they have accomplished if left to their own devices? 

And maybe the answer to that is 'not a goddamned thing,' but even that is valid because we do not HAVE TO accomplish anything. That's not the purpose of living.

I will never accept anyone's argument that men shaped society and should be treated somehow better for that. You can't argue that your gender shaped society when the other gender was being offered no to very few actual paths outside of having 13 children. 

You can't oppress people and then brag about what you achieved while you stood on their backs. 

So yeah. 

Two.
Thirteen.
Nine.
Seven.
Five
Three
Eight
Two
Two.
It ends. 

And when I had cancer, they cut out all of my internal reproductive bits, so there is absolutely no way it will ever start again. 

IT. ENDS.

And that is a beautiful thing.

More Thoughts on Creation

 If the world/humans actually do have a creator, I am certainly more convinced than ever that we could not be the only creation. 

I'm not going to make an argument for a creator one way or the other, only to point out that the nature of creativity is very often copious. Most creative minds do not make The Thing. Most creative minds make the many, many things. Most creative minds get an idea that sparks another idea that sparks another idea. 

They add variations and layers and new color palettes and different shading and alter the level of contrast and then jot down a bunch of notes because their minds are working so fast that they can't keep up with it all.

Creatives are usually only limited by their own physical capacity for creation and by resources. One would assume that a divinity would have neither of those limitations. 

Given that? Oh yeah. If we were created, there is not only life on other planets but life in other realities and life in other dimensions and life in ways in which we can't conceptualize at this point. That is the only thing that really makes sense given the way creativity flows. 

Surgery Again

I have to have surgery again.

I did not think I would have to.

I assumed this was over.

It's not. 

I have to go through all the pain and fear and healing again.

I am tired. 

I do not wish to do this/

YET.......here we are.

IPSY JULY 2026: Lazy Face Summer: A Haul Blessed by Fortune and Vitamin C

 Lazy Face Summer: A Haul Blessed by Fortune and Vitamin C

Every once in a while, the universe looks at me, sighs, and says, “Fine. You may have nice things.”

This month’s beauty haul is exactly that — a collection of products that practically beg me to stop fussing, stop layering, stop melting, and embrace the swipe, drip, blend, spritz, done philosophy of summer.

And honestly? I’m delighted.

Let’s walk through the lineup.

Purlisse Beauty Sheer Glow Strawberry Vitamin C Tinted Moisturizer (Fair)

People adore this thing. They speak of it like it’s a tiny miracle in a tube — the kind of product that blends seamlessly even on complicated skin tones. Mine is a whole situation: pale, neutral, and reddish, like a Victorian spinster who occasionally goes outside. Which is....basically what I am.

No one reported burning, stinging, or sudden regret. The biggest complaint was that it keeps going out of stock, which is the beauty world’s version of a standing ovation.

I’m expecting a soft, bright, “I drink water and have hobbies” kind of finish.

bareMinerals Original Mineral Veil® 24HR Natural Matte Setting Spray

This arrives just in time, because my current toner is on its last heroic wheeze.

Let’s be honest: nothing lasts 24 hours. If I get three solid hours in Oklahoma summer, I will consider it a personal victory. It’s matte, which would normally be a concern for me, but I am currently drowning in glow products. A little matte is practically a public service.

This is the seatbelt for the convertible.

Huda Beauty Easy Blur Natural Airbrush Foundation (Milkshake)

I'll pause as we all sing “Milkshake” We good? Okay. Moving right along then.

Ah yes, the commitment product. The one that could either match me perfectly or betray me utterly.

Milkshake sounds right on paper — pale, neutral, not too yellow, not too pink. Reviewers swear the shade matching is excellent, and the before and afters look like someone applied a soft focus filter in real life.

Will it blur me properly?
Will it make me look like a smooth little dumpling?
We shall see.

E.L.F. No Budge Matte Shadow Sticks (Vintage Suede & Cool Beans)

Of course E.L.F. is here. It’s not a haul without at least one E.L.F. item sneaking in like a raccoon at a picnic.

Shadow sticks are the ultimate lazy face tool. Swipe, smudge, done. No palette, no fallout, no thinking. Vintage Suede might barely show up on me, but that’s fine — subtle is perfect for summer. Cool Beans will give me just enough shimmer to look awake without trying.

Honestly though? I'm not mad about this. We all own E.L.F. We shouldn't pretend we don't.

Drunk Elephant O Bloos™ Rosi Drops
Two Drunk Elephant products in one month?
Is this my birthday?
Should I move my birthday to summer permanently?

O Bloos is universally flattering, and the formula is one of those “a few drops does the work of three products” situations. Blush, glow, warmth, dimension — all in one tiny bottle.

My expectations are sky high.
Drunk Elephant usually delivers.

Also: It should be noted that in context of cosmetics the only time when experiencing two drunk elephants in a month WOULD be a good thing.

Elemis Superfood Matcha Eye Dew

I love Elemis. I trust Elemis. I have no idea where this will fit into my routine, but I’m intrigued.

This is supposed to perk up tired eyes — and my eyes get tired. I have a face cream that makes my skin feel awake and alive, and the idea of something doing that specifically for my eyes? That might be exactly what I didn’t know I needed.

This may become a desk side staple.

Conclusion:

This entire haul is a summer blessing.
It’s effortless.
It’s melt resistant.
It’s fast.
It’s practical.
It’s pretty.

This is a lazy face routine in the best possible way — the kind of lineup that lets me look polished without spending more time in front of a mirror than the weather allows. In July, the goal is simple: look good before the heat decides otherwise.

And fortune, for once, seems to be assisting me.

IPSY Ultimate Spoilers Round Two for Fall 2026

 Yeah. They posted the second tier of spoilers. 

It was less than great. 

This is the letter I sent to IPSY:

Hello, IPSY.

Let me start with kindness: my July Extra was fantastic. Truly. And your first round of Ultimate spoilers had me hopeful.

Then… the second round arrived.

MAKEUP BY MARIO – Master Mascara® in Super Black Apparently this is non‑negotiable. IPSY has decided I need Mascara #6. I can only assume you’re trying to help me open a small mascara museum.

SACHAJUAN – Hair Repair Treatment My hair is fine. My hair is thriving. My hair is practically smug. Please do not send me more hair repair.

ILIA BEAUTY – The Base Face Milk Beautiful product. But I already have enough primers, essences, and hybrid concoctions to run a small skincare speakeasy. I do not need this.

REL BEAUTY – The Essentials Brush Set Again, no. You gave everyone a brush last time with zero choice. Now you want to give us a whole set? IPSY, be serious. No one asked for a sequel to the Forced Brush Saga. I do not need more brushes. No one I know needs more brushes. These would sit in a drawer and contemplate their existence.

AREY – Goodnight Grey Serum I see what you’re doing. “She’s over a certain age—surely she’s panicking about aging!” Incorrect. I am not in crisis, despite your apparent confidence that I must be. I do not want this. Please do not send it.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to the day when spoilers feel exciting again. Will it do any good? At all? Probably not. I am emotionally resigned to those brushes being in my future.