Hey! Welcome to June! As we are headed into the hell months, I thought I would share the hostage situation I happen to be in with my air conditioning.
The Gospel of the Ancient Window Unit AC
1. “It shall not awaken until the land reaches 90 degrees.”
This is not a temperature threshold.This is a summoning requirement.
At 89 degrees, you suffer.
At 90, the fridges begin to mutter ancient curses, and only then does the AC stir in its cave.
If it's 88 and the humidity is over 60, your life is basically hell.
2. “Its mercy is not for you.”
You are but a mortal.Human suffering is a natural state.
The AC serves only the Cold Boxes, the sacred guardians of milk and leftovers.
Machine suffering is not a good idea.
You are collateral.
Your suffering does not alter the House.
3. “You will feel the lack of mercy.”
This is the part of the scripture written in sweat.
And you do. You know, when it comes to the AC, you're just a dog getting crumbs.
The summer heat is there to humble you.
4. “It is old and may perish at any moment.”
This AC is a war veteran.It has seen things.
It has fought summers that would break lesser machines.
Every time it turns on, it’s rolling a D20 for survival.
And you know this.
5. “The Cycle: 45 minutes on, 45 minutes off.”
This is not a schedule.This is a breathing pattern.
When the AC draws in its silent breath, you will suffer.
When the AC exhales, you will find relief.
But only then. And there will be no compromises.
If it runs longer, it screams.
If it rests longer, you scream.
But your screaming doesn't matter.
6. “At 10 PM, the AC sleeps.”
And so begins the Night of Suffering.The air becomes thick.
The fans become your only allies.
You lie in bed like a Tennessee Williams tragic heroine, praying for a breeze.
You listen to the whining of the fans and pray they don't go out.
