Power

The power went out today. Because of course our power goes out rather often and mostly when it's hot. We left the house and drove around for a while. By the time we came back, it was on again. This always scares me though. I wasn't meant for off the grid.

Drifting

When my grandmother died, my uncle and my aunt were here to be with her during her last days. The three of us got very close, despite some rocky past history and many differences in our ideals. When they went back home, I felt very close to them and secure about that.

Over the years, their views have gotten more extreme. I tried to debate with them for a while, but eventually just had to block them because it was all so illogical and toxic. It's to the point now where their kids often are the ones arguing with them about things, but they never listen. The last couple of times I've seen my uncle, he seemed distant. When I've called him, I've felt less warmth.

My cousin often posts cute little things her toddler says to her. Tonight she did that and my aunt's comments back basically sucked all the life and joy out of it.

This had nothing to do with me. The comments were in no way directed at me and I'm sure I wasn't even in anyone's thoughts when they were made. And yet, reading them, I felt a kind of real sadness about the whole thing. It seems like they can't react to anything without judgment and political agenda.

And yes, I know everyone does this to an extent. People make a lot of personal decisions based on politics. I get that. At the same time, it hurts to watch people you love lose more and more of themselves to where they can only respond with rhetoric. It's sad and more than a little frightening to wonder what all they will sacrifice.

The Small Joys

Sometimes the world seems awful. Then I found out Cazwell has a podcast where he gives people advice. Hahaha. Life is grand.

4th

Today wasn't so bad. It had its moments of horrible heat, but for the most part, we were okay. We had a nice salad for our holiday dinner and tried to comfort cats as people shot off fireworks.

Post Trip

Today was long but overall, it was good. My roommate received good news from his doctor. Things are healing up and that is wonderful.

I'm hurting from the trip. Tomorrow is the 4th and we don't really have big plans. I'm okay with that. I mostly just want to sleep and be in cool air.

Positivity Failure

How am I doing on the Body Positivity scale today? -100.

I hate my body. I hate its needs. I hate its demands. I hate its complaints. Too cold. Too hot. Too much pain. Too tired. Too broken. To wet. Too dry. I hate that it's always hungry or sleepy or scared or depressed or hurting.

I hate how it labels me. My body causes people to judge me or decide things about me (or worse, decide things FOR me) for reasons I never asked for. I never asked to be a woman. I never asked to be this skin color, this ethnicity, this size, or this shape. All of these are things I get judged on every day and all of it was decided without my input. Best believe, these are not the circumstances I would have chosen.

I hate how trapped I feel. I hate how hopeless I feel. I hate the nausea. I hate the stress. I hate that moment when all of it just gets to be so much that I lose control and just whimper. I hate the panic attacks. I hate the vulnerability. I hate how supporting the body costs money, meaning I have to scramble to find ways to pay for it. Pay for a body and needs and demands I never asked for and do not want.

I love my mind. I love everything abstract about who I am. I wish I could just upload that onto a machine and exist without a body. I wish I could just free float around cyberspace with no physical needs and only type to people when I wished it. That would be perfect.

Start of July

It's actually not too awful tonight. That may change as the humidity rises, but I'm not wanting to kill anything at the moment. Well, not because of the heat anyway.

We have a lot to do this week. I'm not that nervous about it because basically all I have to do is just sit there. As for other obligations I have, mine are finished until Friday. That feels good.

I didn't sleep well last night. Hopefully the cooler weather will let me sleep some tonight.