Documenting the Depression

I slept well last night but my mind isn't in a good place today. All the chemicals are off and I'm really really depressed. I keep trying to reset things and work through my various tactics for handling the darkness, but it isn't easy.

People tend to think that Depression is about your emotions. There is that side of it and I won't deny it. The absolute worst days for me, however, are the ones where emotions are hard to come by, where everything is hard to come by. It's like the only thing in my mind is just this continuing cycle of all the mistakes I've made, the ones that seemed small at the time but built up and up into massive piles of failure. Failure that I will never be able to climb out from under.

And to the side is always this tiny, tiny voice of me trying to remind myself of all the good things and all the right decisions. The Big Voice always looks over and drowns that one out. Oh, and then adds 'ungrateful' to the list of failures. I hate that voice.

Cooler

Today and tomorrow are supposed to be cooler. I'm going to try my best to take full advantage of that and sleep. Maybe I'll feel more alive for a bit.

Been watching Unforgotten. One of the things about this show is how people's past always comes back to haunt them. Some people view this as justice and in some cases (for instance, you killed someone/raped them/otherwise ruined their life), it is. However, I think it's dangerous to judge people on how they felt as teenagers if they didn't harm anyone. I get why people bring that kind of thing up, but honestly, if it's always going to be used against you, what is the point of changing in the first place?

The Issue

This is First World Problems, but whatever. I'm miserable.

I think the biggest drawback to not having an HVAC system is the uncertainty. With a thermostat, you decide what level of air you're willing to deal with and the system does the rest.

With an air conditioner, it feels like I'm always begging or demanding for it to be on. And I get why. Because you have to wait for a while, the way to achieve and level of coolness in the house is to open all the awful, difficult, bitchy windows and doors. And there are a lot of them. The act of turning on the AC isn't a matter of just flipping a switch. It involves closing at least two windows in several rooms. It's a tiring process and when it cools down enough for the AC to go off, the whole thing has to be repeated. So I understand WHY we wait.

It's just there is this place where the heat and humidity get really bad for me. Not bad for everything in the house, but bad for me. I get nauseous and often have abrupt bathroom issues. My body aches and feels like it's full of wasps. My adrenaline kicks in (which seems counterproductive to staying cool) and I'm suddenly panicky and nervous. Agitated.

I'm not writing about this to try to get an HVAC system. I can't. I know I can't. I'm writing about it to try and be rational about the summer weather. Oh and to complain because complaining is why I have the blog.

Mush

My brain has mostly been mush today. I've just been drifting. It wasn't a bad day, I think I was just so tired that I had trouble with focus. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Better

The shorter hair really made a difference. I slept with some level of peace last night, even though the humidity was high. Today the weather is better all the way around. I may get more sleep again. Yay.

There have been some changes in my life recently. I'm starting to come to terms with the changes and focus on the bright side. I'm getting into a better routine and writing more, even if it is just example essay writing.

Amazing what a day of lower temp can do for me, huh?

Fantasies in your 40s

A friend of mine is moving. One of her stipulations for doing this move is that she and her husband got one of those giant dumpsters and purged 85% of the stuff out of their house.

Now, anything useful or reusable will be donated or sold, but all the useless stuff built up over their time as a married couple will be sent away. They have agreed that only the most important elements will travel with them. The things they use on the daily, things they cannot live without, things that are truly, truly important.

So ever since then, I've been wondering what it would be like to purge that much of what I own. I don't exactly want to. Not really. I'm no minimalist. However, it is an interesting concept. There is something to be said for just having the smallest amount of stuff you can, especially when it comes to moving. In fact, my friend said the deciding factor on any item is always "do I want to carry this in a box to the new house?" She said she is amazed at how very few things she truly wishes to move.

On a kind of related note, I got most of my hair cut off today. It's joyous.

Haircut Plans

Tomorrow I get my hair cut. I have a picture selected for what I want. It's super short. I don't care if it looks good on me. Honestly, I don't think anything does so I might as well at least be comfortable during the heat of summer. Uggh, and the wet of summer. The humidity is awful right now.

So right now my goal is to get enough sleep to feel up to getting my shower and going to get the haircut. I need this to happen. My hair is hot and driving me insane. It's also constantly blowing in my eyes because of the fans. No matter what I try, I can never secure all of the whispies into a clip to keep it away from my face.

Anyway, that's the plan for tomorrow. I really hope all goes well.