I would give anything to move out of this house. I'm sad about that. I used to love it. This house was my safety and security as a teenager. Everything here was good and clean and better than my mother's home.
But it seems that I lack my grandparents' ability to maintain things. The house is a mess now. It's broken. More things go wrong every day. The floors have wonky spots I don't trust. Almost all of the windows are a struggle. Very few of the doors function properly. It's hot. It's muggy. Or it's cold. I never feel like everything is going to be alright here, not anymore. I just worry what will go wrong next.
I planned on being out of here in five years. I failed. One more thing in the long list of things (basically, everything) that I have failed to do. Now I don't even know how to manage to get out of here. I'm not even sure the steps I need to take to make the house the best it can be. It just overwhelms me.
Maybe I should just drag in a trash can and start tossing away stuff I've not even messed with in years. At least if the house was more empty, it would be less overwhelming. Or maybe it will help once it's less humid outside.
Saturday, September 7, 2019
Friday, September 6, 2019
The Update
Sims 4 updated with some free content. I was cool with most of it, but one thing just made me SO happy. We can now use made different types of STAIRS!
I mean, I'm a fat woman so, in my real life, I HATE stairs, but as a house designer, I love them. Before we could only do straight up and down stairs. But now look at what I can do! Look!
I mean, I'm a fat woman so, in my real life, I HATE stairs, but as a house designer, I love them. Before we could only do straight up and down stairs. But now look at what I can do! Look!
Thursday, September 5, 2019
The Lingering
I don't know why I always get excited about September. The heat never goes away. Sure, it cools down (somewhat) earlier in the evening, but it's still hot. We're still running the AC and it's still miserable when it's not on.
So yeah, this month is basically the lingering of summer. I feel sorry for the kids who had to start school already and endure this. I'm sure it isn't fun for them.
So yeah, this month is basically the lingering of summer. I feel sorry for the kids who had to start school already and endure this. I'm sure it isn't fun for them.
Wednesday, September 4, 2019
The Big Show
I was weirdly emotional for no reason last night and then someone posted this article. After that, I was at least emotional about something. In fact, I felt a lot of ways about this.
If you don't want to read the article (though it is good), it's a letter to a fellow fat woman the author saw while on vacation. The woman she's writing to was vibrant and amazing and having a very good time. Then the staff of the place did something to humiliate her in front of a whole crowd of people. It's devastating.
Okay, first of all, I guess on the positive side, I am happy the author wrote this and showed such empathy toward the woman. All too often, fat people are pressured to hate each other. My grandmother was really bad about this. She would talk about other fat people with such disgust and then encourage me to view them the same way. I guess the logic is that if you come to hate the fat on others, you'll not want it on yourself? Not exactly how that works.
Anyway, I'm glad the author was supportive and I'm glad she marveled at the beauty of this woman instead of being spiteful or shaming about it. That's refreshing and maybe a sign that in some ways, our ideas about bodies are changing.
On the other hand, we have the staff of the vacation place who pig partied this fat woman. Fuck them. Fat people are not your free entertainment. On one hand, I hope she sued. On the other, if she did, there would be a barrage of articles about how people are too sensitive and snowflakes and all that cliched crap. That is not the case here. If you are paying for an expensive vacation, part of that is the idea that you will be treated with common decency.
On a personal note, I was never this vibrant beautiful fat woman who shined with goddess glory. I know women like this, but it was never me. That's okay. On one hand, I blame the Grandmother stuff. On the other, it's just not my personality. I guess I ranged from "just don't look at me and let me go about my business in peace kthanx" to "yeah I'm fat so what fuck you!" I never did anything to be inspiring, but on the other hand, that's not my job.
I would say I hope this woman recovered and had a good vacation, but after living in this kind of body for most of my life, the truth is, this situation probably marred it for her. The staff of this place did the opposite of their job here. They should seriously be fired.
If you don't want to read the article (though it is good), it's a letter to a fellow fat woman the author saw while on vacation. The woman she's writing to was vibrant and amazing and having a very good time. Then the staff of the place did something to humiliate her in front of a whole crowd of people. It's devastating.
Okay, first of all, I guess on the positive side, I am happy the author wrote this and showed such empathy toward the woman. All too often, fat people are pressured to hate each other. My grandmother was really bad about this. She would talk about other fat people with such disgust and then encourage me to view them the same way. I guess the logic is that if you come to hate the fat on others, you'll not want it on yourself? Not exactly how that works.
Anyway, I'm glad the author was supportive and I'm glad she marveled at the beauty of this woman instead of being spiteful or shaming about it. That's refreshing and maybe a sign that in some ways, our ideas about bodies are changing.
On the other hand, we have the staff of the vacation place who pig partied this fat woman. Fuck them. Fat people are not your free entertainment. On one hand, I hope she sued. On the other, if she did, there would be a barrage of articles about how people are too sensitive and snowflakes and all that cliched crap. That is not the case here. If you are paying for an expensive vacation, part of that is the idea that you will be treated with common decency.
On a personal note, I was never this vibrant beautiful fat woman who shined with goddess glory. I know women like this, but it was never me. That's okay. On one hand, I blame the Grandmother stuff. On the other, it's just not my personality. I guess I ranged from "just don't look at me and let me go about my business in peace kthanx" to "yeah I'm fat so what fuck you!" I never did anything to be inspiring, but on the other hand, that's not my job.
I would say I hope this woman recovered and had a good vacation, but after living in this kind of body for most of my life, the truth is, this situation probably marred it for her. The staff of this place did the opposite of their job here. They should seriously be fired.
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
The Quality
My roommate and I went out today for his birthday dinner. We'd both been to the chain before, but not this specific restaurant. I don't think either of us was expecting the best meal of our lives here, but certainly better than what we got.
On the way home, we discussed how it's possible both of us have our tastes set at a certain level of quality for certain foods and the local places seem to not be delivering that quality. And look, I'm not even saying it's HIGH quality we're expecting, just....something reasonably decent that's been properly seasoned. I don't think that is too much to ask.
On the way home, we discussed how it's possible both of us have our tastes set at a certain level of quality for certain foods and the local places seem to not be delivering that quality. And look, I'm not even saying it's HIGH quality we're expecting, just....something reasonably decent that's been properly seasoned. I don't think that is too much to ask.
Monday, September 2, 2019
The Disconnect
I think one of the primary problems with suicide prevention is that the people trying to do the professional side of the preventing don't really grasp the issue. Psychologists, therapists, doctors, and the like are all, by the very nature of being in their profession, successful people capable of changing their circumstances. Even if they have some mental or emotional issues going on, even if they've personally suffered from addiction, they have, at least enough to achieve their degree, managed their obstacles.
But for a lot of suicidal people, that isn't the case. We tend to treat the suicidal like they're having a moment of emotional crisis. If you look at the majority of suicide prevention websites, they will emphasize that the want to kill yourself is only temporary. And yes, the crisis level of wanting it may be temporary, but the desire to end your life is very rarely just about emotions.
Because the people who try to prevent suicide are successful, they don't grasp the fundamental hell of being a failure. They don't understand the constant gnawing tension of poverty. They don't feel the day to day dread of wondering when the next thing will go wrong.
One of the most unhelpful pieces of suicide prevention advice I ever read was 'think about things to look forward to.' A lot of people who want to kill themselves do not 'look forward' to anything in a positive way. They just exist from moment to moment, praying nothing will screw up or break. Even when they have to go to an event where most people would 'look forward to it,' they are too consumed with worry to enjoy themselves. And while sometimes this may just be paranoia, other times it's PTSD after bad stuff has happened to them at events like this.
When you are successful and you try to get people who are not successful to be positive, you don't grasp their darkness. I used to wonder why people past 40 were still screwing up in the same ways they did when they were younger. In some cases, yeah, it's patterns. In other cases, hell, maybe they just feel like they've failed for too many years to justify the supreme effort it would take to make their lives better when it will only be better for maybe a decade at the most before old age starts ripping it all away again?
Oh and it's so much worse if you've consistently failed in life and you're also smart. Now you not only have the dread of when something goes wrong and the sense of failure, but you're also ashamed. You probably had the tools to fix things, but you didn't. Now everything sucks and you're old and in pain and have nothing to look forward to and it's embarrassing. And no, that isn't a temporary feeling that will go away. That is the circumstances of your life.
Okay, my point being, I think people who are trying to keep the suicidal from becoming the dead need to reevaluate their tactics. If you really want them to live, you need to look beyond the temporary chemical issues and tackle the real hell they face.
But for a lot of suicidal people, that isn't the case. We tend to treat the suicidal like they're having a moment of emotional crisis. If you look at the majority of suicide prevention websites, they will emphasize that the want to kill yourself is only temporary. And yes, the crisis level of wanting it may be temporary, but the desire to end your life is very rarely just about emotions.
Because the people who try to prevent suicide are successful, they don't grasp the fundamental hell of being a failure. They don't understand the constant gnawing tension of poverty. They don't feel the day to day dread of wondering when the next thing will go wrong.
One of the most unhelpful pieces of suicide prevention advice I ever read was 'think about things to look forward to.' A lot of people who want to kill themselves do not 'look forward' to anything in a positive way. They just exist from moment to moment, praying nothing will screw up or break. Even when they have to go to an event where most people would 'look forward to it,' they are too consumed with worry to enjoy themselves. And while sometimes this may just be paranoia, other times it's PTSD after bad stuff has happened to them at events like this.
When you are successful and you try to get people who are not successful to be positive, you don't grasp their darkness. I used to wonder why people past 40 were still screwing up in the same ways they did when they were younger. In some cases, yeah, it's patterns. In other cases, hell, maybe they just feel like they've failed for too many years to justify the supreme effort it would take to make their lives better when it will only be better for maybe a decade at the most before old age starts ripping it all away again?
Oh and it's so much worse if you've consistently failed in life and you're also smart. Now you not only have the dread of when something goes wrong and the sense of failure, but you're also ashamed. You probably had the tools to fix things, but you didn't. Now everything sucks and you're old and in pain and have nothing to look forward to and it's embarrassing. And no, that isn't a temporary feeling that will go away. That is the circumstances of your life.
Okay, my point being, I think people who are trying to keep the suicidal from becoming the dead need to reevaluate their tactics. If you really want them to live, you need to look beyond the temporary chemical issues and tackle the real hell they face.
Sunday, September 1, 2019
Quick Post
Happy birthday to my roommate. I hope his year is full of joy and peace.
As for me, I'm not comfortable tonight and really don't feel like blogging. Sleep well.
As for me, I'm not comfortable tonight and really don't feel like blogging. Sleep well.
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