Death and Thoughts of Death

 My mother died quickly. She died in her sleep one morning while she was waiting to go to work. She was 54. I envy her death.

I don't mean I wish I was dead, I just mean I envy the way she died. She was alone and it was sudden. There was no prolonged process of her slowly down to nothing and knowing everyone was watching her do it. The bandaid was ripped off, for her and for everyone else.

I once told my dad that I wanted my death to be a random shooting. I wanted it to be sudden and impersonal. Meaningless. I loved the idea of this because it meant no one could blame me for my death. No "oh she should have seen to her health and we wouldn't be here." Random shooting would be difficult for the people who love me, but not as difficult as watching me waste away and lose all of who I am. 

Quick death. Is there anything more we can wish for?

Am I being morbid? Yes. Probably. My aunt is dying. It's sudden but slow. It's rough. She's confused and in pain and nothing will get better until things are just finished. I hate that for her. I hate that for anyone. As much as I don't want her to die, and believe me, I do NOT want her to die, I just fucking hate this process of her getting worse and worse every day. I hate that she can't move. I hate that she can't make sense. I hate that she can't tell her family what she wants to tell them before she goes. I hate that the last memories they will have of her is all of this. It's an agonizing, prolonged nightmare. 

I don't want her to die. But beyond that, I don't want her to have to go through the hell of dying.

Not Paying your Rent

There is a saying that no matter how good you think you are, you are the villain in someone else's story. I'm realistic enough to know this is true. Sometimes I wonder how close the people are to me where I'm their villain. It's sad, but that's just the way it is.

I think it's safe to assume that for a lot of us, we're also the butt of some people's jokes. This one I've always been more aware of. When I was a Freshman in high school, some people made up a song about me being fat. I was so mortified by this, I switched schools. Guess what? The people at the second school made up a song about me too. It was a really, really dark time.

Most days, I'm cool with this. I just let it wash over me. As Ms. Charles often says, "Unless they payin your rent, pay them bitches no mind." Other days, when the mental walls are a little shaky, it's not as easy. 

What I always try to keep in mind is that I have been cruel to other people as well. That isn't a balancing point. It's to keep me humble. I am deeply ashamed of being cruel to others. It's honestly one of the things I have the most trouble with when it comes to self-forgiveness. 

I Guess Today was Monday

 Actually, I know it was. We paid rent and then did the usual shopping stuff. I have to get my driver's license renewed soon because of course, I have to get that done on the year when we have a pandemic. Ugh.

I finished Blean Reality Episode 2. It's an analysis of October from the robot's perspective. There are a couple of places where I could have tweaked it better, but I'm letting them slide this time.

So I have two major improvements for this video. One is that I actually did a folder playlist of the songs I was using. This made it so much easier when I was doing credits. I also created a solid black .png that I can slide in for bumps and traditions. That will save me so much time. 

Tomorrow I plan to rest and read. I won't start working on anything else until after Wednesday. The only thing that will change that is if my nephew wants to do something, but really, all I have to do then is just talk. 

Now I'm off to bed.

The Rules

There are a lot of whing conspiracy theories floating around about why Trump got Covid 19. I think every one of them that I hear sounds crazier than the last. The thing is, the reasons why Trump has this are pretty simple.

Trump believes in magical thinking. He believes if he denies something hard enough, then it becomes the reality.

Trump thinks rules do not apply to him. 

Trump wanted to deny the danger of Covid, but that danger is very real. He wanted to deny that Covid was contagious, but it it is contagious. 

He wanted to disobey and deny and mock the commonsense measures put in place by the medical establishment. 

Wash your hands. Wear a mask. Stay indoors. Stay away from people. Don't touch your face.

He jaunted around ignoring all of this advice and basically implied that to support him, his people should ignore it as well. 

But reality IS reality.
The rules DO apply to Trump.

Now he's sick, as any of us are bound to get sick if we ignore the safety measures. 

I just really hope this is a wakeup call for folks and they start masking up and paying attention. Maybe then more of us will live through this.

Actual Weekend

We had to run errands today, which ate into the sense of it being the weekend. However, I think I'm managing to restore that as I'm allowing myself a couple of days off before I work on another video. I have some ideas brewing, but for now, they can just brew. I need the time off to just read and be quiet.

I managed to get the Sims video finished this morning. It posted around noon. I'm pretty happy with the editing and humor. It's nice to see yourself improving a skill. 

I think I'll try to go to bed earlier tonight. I could use the sleep. 

Late Post

 This post is seriously late. I'm basically writing it the next morning. I meant to blog last night, it just didn't happen.

I managed to finish my video. It'll go out today around noon. I'm pleased with the results, though I do think I'm going to have to work in some more variety to what I do with Sims. In this video, I broke things up by adding a tutorial of sorts in the middle of it. I think it helped the flow of the video overall.

My niece will be virtual schooling for the next two weeks because so many kids at her campus are ill. I think the two week thing is stupid. I know they believe they can just clean everything and then it will be safe, but they thought it was safe when school started and that is proving not to be the case. Distance learning is the safest option at this point. Not for two weeks. We need to do this until we have this virus under control. 

Halloween is Here

 As far as I am concerned, all of October is Halloween. Every second of it. Spooktastic time, everyone. 

I'm in a bit of a bind. Doing the Banned Book week video ate into the time I had to work on my sims video. I've got about two minutes of it finished and I wanted it out by tomorrow. That is NOT going to happen. Looks like I'll have to push it back to Saturday, which means I'll probably push Bleak Reality to Monday. Ugh. This isn't ideal, but then again, I wanted to do that Banned Book Week video and I'm really glad I did.

I need to work out how my hours will devote to Sims and to Bleak Reality. I may have to accept I can only do one a week. We'll see.