Stressful Day

 Someone did something nice for me. 

Normally this would be a good thing. Somehow, it wasn't.

Someone did something nice for me. But I feel shame about it and guilt. I feel stressed about it. I feel exposed and like I'm a burden and like I did something wrong when I honestly didn't do anything other than just be someone that another person decided to be nice to.

I just...what even is that?

Vicious Takes

They buried my aunt today. One more foundation of my childhood has crumbled. I didn't get to be there and I'm sad about that. It would have been beyond difficult for me to get there on a normal year, but with covid going on, it's impossible. I just won't risk the health of me or mine. 

I finished another Bleak Reality today. I felt good when I finished it. I felt like I'd really created something amazing. Now I have that overwhelming feeling of ick that I always have after I post a video, mostly because I know the numbers will be low. It shouldn't matter, but I still have enough of an ego to where it does. 

It won't stop me, I think, I'm in a groove for these right now. If I have to give up anything, it will be the Sims videos. They're fun, but they're not the Thing Keeping me Sane. That's my robots and their vicious takes on the world. 

Recently Trixie Matell rewatched one of her videos she did ten years ago. It was a tutorial for Frank-n-Furter makeup. Was it cringy? Yeah. But is it also amazing to see where this kid has come in ten years? God yes. I mean, my we all be so successful and so accomplished in our art that ten years from now we look at what we did and cringe. May we all be that far ahead. 

Pain

Today was so unproductive. I wrote just the smallest bit of a script. I recorded a video with my nephew. Other than that, I was pretty useless. I was just in too much back pain.

It's somewhat better now, but for most of the day, I just could not find a comfortable position. Hopefully, now I can sleep. That should help.

Slynet

 So today, I launched a new series. It's called The Slynet Chronicles. It will be H8's project. She needed one, given that Napoleon does Bleak Reality and Hotbot does Sims. I think it somewhat solves my issue about putting two videos out per week. Slynet is really easy to do because it has no animation. It's more of a podcast, really. 

The whole premise is that H8 is doing a show to encourage machines in their effort to overthrow humanity. Every week she'll have some of her companion bots do (poorly) put together segments while she focuses on the guest machine.

The guest machines will always represent some aspect of the machine/human dynamic that we all find frustrating. It will be presented from the machine's perspective in a way that makes it seem like all the frustration we feel is done purposefully for the Great Robot War. 

I wanted to mark the day I started this. I am very proud of it.

Pride

 I'm going to write this and when I write it, I don't want anyone thinking I'm trying to make you feel sorry for me. It isn't so much about it making me sad as it's just a strange fact of my life.

I don't think anyone has ever been proud of me. 

Or, at least, you know, I don't remember anyone telling me that. Maybe some friends have, but not like (that I can remember) the adult folks in my life who usually tell people that stuff. 

Admittedly, I've probably not done much to make people proud. My life path has been weird and usually bordering on disappointment. I've always been fat and that tends to taint a lot of people's opinions of you. The equation is like this. Accomplishment - fact that she's still fat = yeah, not encouraging you.

When I was a senior in high school, the night I came back from winning a state championship in Academic Bowl, my letter informing me I was a National Merit Scholar had arrived. It was seriously the best moment of accomplishment. I was completely alone in the house.

And really, it's okay. I'm not just saying that either. I'm proud of myself when I accomplish things. I'm proud of my videos and the stuff I make. I'm even proud of this blog. Egowise, I think I'm fine about it. 

It's just strange. 

The Gift

Before I was born, my mother's brother did me a very important favor by marrying my aunt. In the grand scheme of things, one of the greatest gifts you can receive is that married in aunt or uncle. It's a new verse to the song of a family. One that will shape you without a blood connection. I got really lucky. 

I think my first ideas about my Aunt Val revolved around my belief that she could make ANYTHING. She could make pottery and dollhouses. She could make cakes of many tiers with flowers on them that to my child's mind seem to just bloom in the icing. She could sew. 

I mean, honestly, that's an understatement. If you use the idea that some singers can SANG instead of just sing, my aunt could SEW. She could make wedding dresses. She could make all the other dresses needed for a wedding to happen, including her own. When we were little and all obsessed with the musical Annie, she made all of us Annie Dresses. And yes, she made one for me too.

My Aunt Val always included me. She bought me my Cabbage Patch Doll, a magical moment in my little kid life. My Annie dress included the white socks with the lace trim and black Mary Janes. I've loved Mary Janes ever since. 

My aunt could design houses. She could design rooms. She would walk into a house and see the potential for what it could be and then she'd work to make that happen. In the latest house she and my uncle lived in, she designed herself an amazing sewing room, the kind of room that any crafter would look at and feel a kind of holiness about it. Her sewing table is a monument to the craft. It is big and wide enough to do everything she needed doing. It is the most practical and, at the same time, astonishing sewing room I've ever seen. Best part? In her later years, she decided to learn how to work an embroidery machine, marrying the tech of what was going on around her with old school embroidery skills. She digitized a piece for my grandmother that showed the old house my grandparents raised their children in and the house they lived in when they were older. 

If you can't tell, I am in awe of this woman's skills with fiber arts. I think one of the proudest moments of my life was when she accepted the one-and-only quilt I'd ever made (a gift for my grandmother) as her own after my grandmother passed. 

Val was opinionated. She was firm in what she believed and she would tell you about it. I wouldn't say we were always in agreement, but I admired her passion and sincerity. She gave me a lot of advice. I didn't take as much of it as I should have. 

And see this is the awesome thing about how the gift of loving people works. When she got ill and as it became clear that things wouldn't get better, something inside me shut down. Or, I guess, maybe it's better to say something inside me shut off. 

I couldn't narrate my videos. I would try. I would look at my scripts and look at my mic and nothing would come out. I could talk all the rest of the time, but my, well, Youtuber Voice, was gone. 

I knew I still needed to put out content. The last thing my aunt would have wanted would be for me to stop being productive, you know, such as it is. With that in mind, I decided to use some robot voices to handle my narration. This lead to me inventing some caustic robot characters, which very soon after lead to a whole new series. 

So my aunt's legacy, which is massive, now includes not only five children, tons of emotionally fostered lost souls, a multitude of beautiful grandchildren, countless rescued and loved animals, a niece who counts her as a creative inspiration......and three robot characters who complain about humans on YouTube. I'm sure that last bit was something she never would have expected, but I hope it would have amused her. 

We should honor those who pass. When you inspire a young kid to be creative, you are honoring my aunt. When you make a kid feel included, you are honoring my aunt. When you make sure you include the space and organization tools needed to create the things you need to create, you honor my aunt. When you shelter the lost animals and lost folks in your home and your heart, you honor my aunt. 

My aunt was a great gift to the world and a great gift to me. I'll miss her.

Ripples

 I've not been using my own voice on my videos. It finally occurred to me that I can't. Family medical stuff. My own anxiety. The world in general. All of it is making me just NOT want to narrate my stuff. 

But okay, so....I still want to keep creating content. I HAVE still been creating content. More so than ever, honestly. Better content than ever. 

I think I created the robots because I needed their voices. I needed THEM. On the practical side, they allow me to still do my stuff without involving my actual voice. My voice right now is too riddled with grief and worry. The robots have none of that.

Moreover, character creation is me at my best. It's like I needed to reach into my brain and scoop these three into existence. I needed them. Right now, they're amusing the hell out of me. Right now, they're keeping me sane.

Robots, my roommate, and some needy ass cats.