Almost Over

The year is almost over. We have plans for New Year's Eve, which is unusual and may not actually happen. Hopefully it does though. When this year began, I was starting a project that will take me many years to complete, but this year's part of it went well. 

Also when this year began, we only had Millie. We were still reeling from Tink's death. I don't think we're really over her death yet, but we have a new kitten now, and that's a pretty neat thing. 

Growing Pains

It's been a long time since I've dealt with a kitten. I think in my 20s I was more emotionally and physically active and I could handle the stress that a kitten brings to a situation better than I do now. 

I love him a lot, but I'm older and his constant need to climb on curtains and on the highest shelves and on everything else is on my last nerve. It's a lot. I know he'll grow out of a good deal of this, but right now it's a lot to handle. 

Perhaps I'm stressed because I've not done anything creative in a while. I don't even FEEL creative right now. Sigh. 

Over

My birthday is over. Christmas is over. 

I suppose for what I expected out of them, they were good. There were high points. I talked to my cousin for quite a bit last night and that was good. Our meal today was excellent. 

My roommate and I have carved out rituals for ourselves throughout the month. Things we watch. Things we consume. Places we go. So much of the holiday season is sensory. We both know we can be overwhelmed by that, so small bits at a time are the best.

We'll keep our decorations up until New Year's and then they'll be packed away until next December. I'm going to enjoy our lights for another week and feel happy about them. 

I won't say my holiday was perfect, but it was good enough.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I am turning 50. This seems unreal to me. It's so many years. It's so strange that I've lived this long. I don't feel old. I just feel odd. I mean, odder than usual.

My birthday will happen with no fanfare. We're going to the store. We're having leftovers. It's supposed to storm. I suppose having a low-key day is for the best. 

It just seems so unreal. 

Not Easy

I went to my family's holiday gathering. Overall, it was alright. Yet, whenever I come home, I always feel like crying. I feel unsafe, even though I know I was safe. I'm not sure why I feel this way but I do. I'm glad I'm home. Maybe I just spend too much time at home. I'm glad I'm safe. Even though I wasn't in any danger. I'm glad I'm not panicking now. 

Trying

My roommate and I had a talk about failure the other day, in terms of things we fail to do as adults but find ways around. Neither of us do the holiday season in a traditional way. We have our small rituals and our own small decorations and they make us happy, but sometimes we wonder if we're failing at being adults because we don't do all the things the adults did when we were little.

I wonder about this as well as I paint my nails. I never do a good job with them. They always look bad. The thing is, I kind of let them look bad because it suits my goblin kind of style. It doesn't change the fact that they are messy though. It just means I'm tailoring my style to suit my limited skills. Is that better or worse?

The thing is, I'm just not sure one way or the other.

Soon

This time next week, I'll be one day away from my birthday. I'll be turning 50. This seems unreal to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm that old but I never feel like I'm that wise. It seems like people who are that age should have things more together than I do. I'm just a dumpster fire of a person most of the time. 

I guess it's something I'll have to come to terms with. I'm just not sure how.