Sabotaged

I was so excited to see my best friend today, only to have the whole thing go wrong. My body decided it had to be queasy beyond reason and I had to go home. I felt so bad about this. I felt like a failure. I couldn't just handle a simple visit with a friend. 

I really hate it when my body betrays me like this. I just wanted to have some good conversation and be somewhere that wasn't my house for a while. But no. Not allowed. 

Next time, I'm taking my anti-nausea meds with me.

2 Months

My dad died two months ago today. I managed to get through without crying, but I was on the verge of it quite a few times. A month ago today we had his memorial. It doesn't seem like it's been that long since all this happened.

I think I'm still in shock about the whole thing. I dream about him pretty often and I still feel like he's still alive. It just doesn't seem like this could have happened. 

I feel lonely without him. I miss my dad so much.  

Beautiful Day

Even though my back was giving me issues, today was wonderful. The weather was mild and our errands went quickly. 

I spent most of the day under just my quietest of fans. Not having to listen to the roar of the stronger fan was so nice. The big fan really gets on my nerves after a while. It was peaceful today.

At the end of the day, I just feel good about things. I know this is because I didn't have to deal with much noise and my body stayed cool. That's so awesome, especially in the middle of July.

More Writing

After a few days of just doing 250 words at a time, I was able to really write a lot tonight. I think I wrote close to 1000 words. I was finally inspired for the first time in quite a while. 

Mind you, I'm not sure that anything I wrote was all that good. I may end up trashing the whole lot of it. Still, it felt nice to be in a place where the words were flowing again. It's like I felt like myself again for a while.

Writing

I've been working on a story for an event and it's been difficult for me. With my dad passing away, my creativity is pretty zapped. I've been making myself work on it for a small bit every night and hopefully this will get me to the deadline. I mean, I know it will. I'm mostly there anyway, but it's still a rough emotional process. 

I'm working on the project with a friend and I think if I wasn't with a friend, I probably would have bowed out by now. I'm just not in the place to do this on my own. Having someone else there to support me helps quite a lot. I'm glad I have that. 

Still Sad

I called a relative that I was supposed to call on Saturday and told him I didn't call because I'm sad. It's true. I'm so sad right now. I'm not really handling this situation with my dad well. I'm not sure, at the moment, that I ever will.

Things have been a blur. July 4th happened and we did nothing. We didn't even eat anything special or anything. The most we did was look at fireworks out the window. It was just another blank day for me, I guess. 

Most days just feel awful. I lost my father and I'm just not really doing well. I hate this so much.

Missing Him

I really miss my dad. The grief for him hasn't settled in any way. It's still very raw and catches me in moments and breaks my heart all over again. 

This hurts so much. I would have rather it had been me. I don't like living in a world without him. It's too hard sometimes.