Spoils of War Musings

Wow.

Game of Thrones Episode 4 is one of the best episodes I've seen. It concluded some things, set up other things, and had one of the best battle scenes ever filmed. It was so good I've watched it like three times now. It isn't getting old. One of the reasons it worked so well is because we really only had three dedicated locations. No Sam. No Band of Brothers. We just focused on Winterfell, Dragonstone, and the area between Kingslanding and the Reach. This made for more intense scenes and I think the episode needed that.

WINTERFELL

We start with Littlefinger giving Bran the dagger that was used in season one to try and kill him. Sam saw a drawing of this dagger in a book on the first episode, so it's clearly an important and historical Valyrian steel blade. LF tries to do his usual oily charm thing on Bran, but Bran not only doesn't care, he manages to creep LF out in the process. The older man leaves as Meera is walking in to tell Bran she was going home.

This scene hurt me. In the books, Bran is deeply in love with Meera but it's weird because she's quite a few years older than him. They're basically the same age on the show, so a relationship would be more plausible, especially as it's fairly clear she cares for him too. Unfortunately, being the 3 Eyed Raven has made Bran emotionless and almost inhuman now. The sweetness that was once between them is gone now and Meera knows the person Bran was is dead. She leaves in tears.

Arya comes home to Winterfell and it's amazing. Her first scene is her looking over a hill down on her home in something close to awe. When she gets there, no one recognizes her. She has to threaten guards and then sneak around to get into the crypts. Sansa joins her there and hugs her. Their conversation is awkward, but they never got along and things have been horrible for both of them over the last several years. They still love each other, that is certain. Moreover, there seems to be a respect now.

When Arya sees Bran in the Godswood, he gives her the dagger that LF gave him, knowing she'll get more use out of it. After this is one of the most heartwarming scenes in the series. The three remaining Stark children walk back into the main courtyard of the castle. Arya is pushing Bran's wheelchair, with Sansa walking beside them. There is only music for the first part of this scene, but we watch as people look at them, their faces full of emotion. Some clearly remember Ned and the other Starks. Others are happy the family has returned.

The most poignant of these is Brienne. She made an oath to Lady Stark that she would return her children safely to their home. Pod tells Brienne that she did this and she reminds him that she did next to nothing to make it actually happen, but still, here they are. Their mother would be happy.

Later Brienne agrees to train Arya and spars with her. This is such a good scene! It's beautifully done because each little sequence of it is a call back to the various people who have trained Arya along the way. Sansa and LF watch them. Sansa seems to finally understand the accomplishments of her little sister while LF seems to be thinking of ways to use that to his advantage. The scene ends with Sansa walking away and LF eyeing Arya like a new possibility.

DRAGONSTONE

Jon finds some cave art done by the Children of the Forrest and shows it to Dany. There are a lot of spirals and depictions of the White Walkers. She tells him she will defend the North but he still needs to swear to her. It's their usual impass. Some people don't buy the chemistry between them but in this scene, I certainly did.

When they leave the caves, Tyrion is there with Varys to inform them that Castlery Rock has been taken but it wasn't really a victory. Dany realizes that Tyrion's plans are backfiring and decides to take matters into her own hands. She does, however, ask Jon for his advice, clearly more as a note of a respected equal than anything else. His advice is only not to burn innocent people.

Davos seems to have realized there is a clear solution to the Dany/Jon problem. He isn't to the point of suggesting marriage yet, but he does talk to Jon about how he clearly likes her. Jon dismisses this, claiming he has no time for such things, but Davos knows it's there. They talk with Messandei about Dany and what she's really like. Messandei explains to Jon that those who follow Dany do so because they believe in her, not because of her bloodlines (which would not matter to people from the East anyway). He perhaps begins to realize she is far more like Mance in that regard than the usual queen/king.

All of this is interrupted by Theon and his ship of Iron Born arriving to ask Dany to help them save Yara. Jon is very angry with Theon and tells him that it's only because he saved Sansa that will keep Jon from killing him. Then again, Jon at this point has no idea what hell Theon has been through to get him to where he is.

That is, perhaps, the biggest problem with people reuniting after long epic journeys. Everyone has changed and while they understand why THEY personally have changed, it's harder to accept in other people. Sansa and Arya acknowledge this to each other the best, but even they have a difficult time accepting how much Bran has changed.

I think I'm going to save the battle section of this recap for tomorrow because I have tons to say about it.

FINAL MUSINGS

Okay, so Davos has a wife and as he followed Stannis, I'm assuming she lives somewhere near Dragonstone. Are we ever going to talk about that?

Speaking of Dragonstone, the location where it is filmed is stunningly beautiful.

Dany and Tyrion are starting to fight. That makes me sad, but it's understandable.

I read this theory that Varys is already betraying Dany. So far, he's done nothing to really help her. He's not getting any spy information to her, and yet Cersei's armies have consistently been very prepared for any of Dany's plans. Either the writers have forgotten how skilled this person is supposed to be or Varys is selling her out. Because in the same episode that Hot Pie knew Jon was King in the North, Varys didn't. If HOT PIE is running a better spy network than Varys, everyone is doomed.

After everything Meera Reed has gone through, I hope she not only survives the winter and the wars to come but has a happy, beautiful life.

Bran through LF's "Chaos is a Ladder" line back in his face. It scared the old scumbucket!

Battle tomorrow

End of the Weekend

This weekend wasn't bad. It wasn't anything all that exciting, but it wasn't bad. We didn't do a lot and that's a good thing. I needed the rest. My brain was a little fried and I ended up hitting one of those moments when I mourned my kitties hard. That was pretty rough. I'm not sure when I'm ever going to get past this.

Thankfully, it rained last night, so it cooled down somewhat. It was still humid and awful, but not as bad as it was. The weekend went by too quickly, in fact, I'm shocked that it's already August. This summer went by quicker than I thought it would, which, honestly, is nice.

I guess what I'm saying is that things aren't really bad, but I'm kind of not and annoyed, so nothing is really making me that happy. It's okay though. I don't always have to be happy.

Mutters about Shopping

I have a headache. I need to replace my mattress and it's going to be an involved process. I've been reading reviews for the last hour. It's making my brain bleed. I might as well just stay with the old broke-ass mattress and be done with it. It's the easiest and least expensive option.

See, most of this is because I just don't want to cause anyone trouble. Buying a new mattress means getting all of my pillows off of my bed, but still having room to move the old stuff out and the new one in. It means trying to find someone who will take the old one away and it will HAVE to be someone else because my roommate and I may have been able to do that last time around, but it's been quite a few years ago and our health is worse than it was.

Of course, there IS also the expense of it. That is always a factor. I can't afford to spend a lot on anything so I need to get the best thing I can for my money. I have some ideas, and just about decided on something, but out of the 1350 something reviews, 50 of them were one star. So I hesitated and decided to keep looking.

Hence the headache.

Day After

This was one of those days where the weather just set on the edge of being nice but never got there. It was muggy and slightly too warm. I wasn't that happy about it, but there were things to keep me occupied so I won't complain.

I'm still kind of reeling from the article last night. I just keep thinking about so many situations in my life that now make sense. There is a relief to that clarity, but it's still so strange. There are a lot of thoughts and emotions going on right now. It's all really fast paced. I'll blog more about it later.

Very Frank Post

I think I got enlightened to something tonight that has needed to be told to me my whole life, or at the very least since I became sexually aware. This article is very long and probably not something most people would be interested in reading, but if you are a woman who has always found penetration painful (or if you know a woman who has), it's certainly worth the read.

This has always been the case for me. Sometimes I would cry or panic when someone else was doing it. Sometimes I would just deal with it. It always hurt though, and not just a little bit. There was always a lot of pain and it would last for days. Tampons were never comfortable and could be painful going in, which made my life hellish while I was a bleeder. At least they were small. Penises, dildos, anything like that could cause a lot of pain. Even when I tried to do things on my own, this was the case. To be honest, eventually, I just gave up on it. Clits are more fun anyhow.

Turns out, a lot of women suffer from vestibulodynia and/or vulvodynia, possibly as much as 16% of the population. That's about 14 million women. This is the pain in the full vulva or specifically in the vestibule area of the labia.  There is very little research being done about this, very little treatment, and often women aren't taken seriously about it anyway (or told it's just in their heads). The researchers doing the work won't even agree on what causes it or what to do about it.

Some believe that it is hormonal, probably due to birth control pills. Their usual treatment is taking women off of the pill and giving them a low dose testosterone. For some patients, this seems to work, but not for everyone.  In other cases, they believe the issue is due to issues with the vestibule area of the woman's body. Often, the way they handle this is by removing the vestibule tissue completely. Women who have had this done WELL often do report they have comfortable and even pleasurable sex afterward. However, there are only a few doctors who do this kind of surgery and it's often not covered by insurance. The price is usually around $12,000.

One of the indicators for the problem being with your vestibule is to push your finger into your belly button. If this causes pain in your vagina, it means you have a vestibule issue. I don't have a naval anymore, but when I was a kid, I would sometimes poke my finger into my belly and I did feel that pain. It makes sense that this would be the case for me. I have whacky hormones, but testosterone was never an issue.

I have to say though, this is a lot of validation for me. I'm seriously in tears even writing about this because I honestly thought this aspect of life was just hellish. I assumed it was this horrible for all women and had no idea how they could stand it happening so often. How I felt during that act isn't normal and it isn't something I should be expected to do.

Here's the thing though, while it's nice to know WHY penetration was always awful for me, I don't see a point in doing anything about it at this moment. It's illogical for me to travel that far and spend more money than some people make in a year to get something fixed when the problem can just be avoided. It's easy for me to live without penetration. If I somehow stumble into a relationship, they'll be told that act isn't on the table and have the option of walking away if they choose.

Survival from the Underground Part II

I've been thinking about the post from last night and how important those tips were. This was shared on one of my private FB groups and a lot of people responded to it. With that in mind, I thought I would give some of my personal tactics for surviving the dark days.

PREPARE AS YOU CAN MANAGE

If you know you have no choice but to leave the house, prepare for it in as many small steps as you can. Set aside clean clothes a day or so before. Don't think too much about them. Just make sure they're clean and serviceable. Put items like shoes and bags by the door, that way you're not having to carry them through the house and add to tiring yourself out. If you're probably going to be in pain, take pain meds before you travel.

ACCEPT YOUR EMOTIONAL LIMITS

When you're upset, your limits may be small. If you can't make it through the stress of a sitcom, don't try. If you can't handle shows about death or other triggery issues, don't watch them. I don't care what people say, it's FINE to stay away from this stuff when you can't handle it. If someone mocks you about that, it's a good indication that this person shouldn't be in your life. Until they understand what it's like to have these kinds of limits, they can just shut up.


ACCEPT YOUR PHYSICAL LIMITS

If you are someone who normally does things for/with people and you find that you can't, inform them that you can't do whatever it is at this time. Don't try to force yourself to do things beyond your limits. If you normally make meals and don't feel like making them, tell the other people in the house. Arrangements can be made.

ACCEPT THAT SOME THINGS WILL BE NEGLECTED

If you get ill in some way, you may no longer be able to do maintenance on your home. Mowing lawns, cleaning things, vacuuming the floors, all of this may be beyond your limits now. If you can afford to have someone else to do this, hire it done. If not, then you have to prioritize what can be hired out and what you can just let go for a while. This seems extreme, but it's something you sometimes have to face.

IF YOU FIND SOMETHING THAT DOES MAKE YOU HAPPY OR DISTRACTS YOU, DO IT.

As I've written about in the blog, when my cats died recently, I just watched stuff about drag queens and makeup for hours at a time. It was a place where I could let my mind go and I wouldn't have to think or feel. When I was younger, I would spend hours pouring over books full of house plans, dreaming about the house I would have one day. Okay, that one doesn't work as well anymore because it just depresses me because I know I'll never have the house I want, but when I was a kid, it got me through a lot of stuff. If music helps you, listen to music. If mindlessly playing games helps you, mindlessly play games.

Now, there is a danger in this that you need to avoid. Do not rely on people or addictive substances for your distractions and happiness. This always ends badly.

BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF

You can't move like you can when you're well. You can't think like you can when you're well. You may not feel like yourself. You may not BE yourself. It's okay. Sometimes it takes a while, sometimes, a long while, to get better or at least to get less-awful. While you wait for that to happen, be kind to yourself. You are doing the best that you can. In some cases, you may be doing more than the best that you can. It's okay. Just try to get through the moments.

Survival from the Underground

If you hit the Dark Place, this is a good little reminder for how to semi-function. The comment about neurotypicals was harsh, but I do get the frustration. When you're depressed or otherwise non-functioning, people's chipper ideas can really grate on the nerves.

I understand for people who have never been at rock bottom, it's difficult to understand some of this. "I can't get out of bed." "I can't prepare a meal." "I can't bathe." For someone who hasn't been there, this seems lazy or just impossible. It isn't. There are places one can reach, of mental, emotional, or physical exhaustion, where even moving one foot in front of the other is almost impossible.

When I was in bloodhell a few years back, showering was this completely dreaded experience for me. for one thing, I was terrified I was going to bleed all over everything and not have the strength to clean it up but still HAVE to clean it up and still HAVE to continue the shower. I was also scared that I would slip or fall because I was so dizzy and so weak. Thankfully, neither of these things happen (that I remember. I'm still sketchy on a lot of the details of that time), however, I still didn't shower well. Several times I left quite a lot of shampoo in my hair.

Another issue I have when I'm depressed is convincing myself it's OKAY to put on clean clothes. I'll wander around in the same clothes for days because I know if I put on clean ones, it means the ones I was in have to go in the hamper and have to be washed and that seems like such a burden. So yes, when I'm depressed, I literally have to convince myself that I deserve clean clothes just like everyone else.

Anyway, if you're having trouble, the link I posted may help. I especially liked one of the bonus suggestions, about stocking up on supplies on your better days. That way you're prepared on the days when things are horrible.