Today was awesome! We had errands that went okay and then a trip to the city that also went okay. The food was good, we both laughed a lot, and the weather wasn't evil. It was still warm enough to have the AC on, but not so evil that the AC didn't matter. I'm actually comfortable now and anticipate good sleep.
I just wanted to document this day in summer when I wasn't being Complainy Bitch.
Monday, July 23, 2018
Sunday, July 22, 2018
Grr Grrs
It's only 76 and it only feels 81, but for some reason, my body just can't adjust. I should be happy right now. I should be cool. I'm not. I'm hot, sweaty, nasty, and as uncomfortable as hell. It's awful.
In an hour it's supposed to be 75 and only feel 75. Maybe I'll be happier then. I don't know. Maybe it's just the house holding heat. That's annoying. It doesn't hold heat in the winter. All the doors are open right now. All the windows are opened to the screens. I've killed at least ten bugs. This house does precious little to keep things out of it. Right now, I'm not all that impressed with the state of my shelter.
Also, I'm still pissed off about the doctor's appointment. I don't want to go back next month. They said I was on a yearly schedule last year. I've shown no signs of re-occurrence. I think I should still be on my yearly and I'm angry this was changed without even discussing it with me. It makes me feel really out of control of the situation.
It doesn't help that I've been having the occasional surgical trauma dream. Last night I dreamed about robots digging into my belly. I could hear the drills, smell the gore, feel as they ripped me open. I mean, in all actuality, I was knocked out for that part, but still.
I'm just adorably positive tonight, huh?
In an hour it's supposed to be 75 and only feel 75. Maybe I'll be happier then. I don't know. Maybe it's just the house holding heat. That's annoying. It doesn't hold heat in the winter. All the doors are open right now. All the windows are opened to the screens. I've killed at least ten bugs. This house does precious little to keep things out of it. Right now, I'm not all that impressed with the state of my shelter.
Also, I'm still pissed off about the doctor's appointment. I don't want to go back next month. They said I was on a yearly schedule last year. I've shown no signs of re-occurrence. I think I should still be on my yearly and I'm angry this was changed without even discussing it with me. It makes me feel really out of control of the situation.
It doesn't help that I've been having the occasional surgical trauma dream. Last night I dreamed about robots digging into my belly. I could hear the drills, smell the gore, feel as they ripped me open. I mean, in all actuality, I was knocked out for that part, but still.
I'm just adorably positive tonight, huh?
Bad Weekend
The person I usually spend my online weekends with was gone. With my usual distraction from the heat missing, I was pretty annoyed. This weather is doing me in. Even today, when it's cloudy and slightly cooler, the humidity is so high that it's torturous. I haven't been dry in days. I hate summer so much.
I'll be glad when it goes away.
I'll be glad when it goes away.
Friday, July 20, 2018
Hot
It's hot and I didn't sleep well last night. It's hot and I'm in a weird place emotionally. It's hot and I'm disturbed by some stuff happening in the world around me. It's hot and I feel kind of empty tonight. It's hot and I feel kind of anxious tonight.
It's hot.
It's hot.
Thursday, July 19, 2018
Own It
Today I had to deal with a situation in my guild. Two of my guild members have an arrangement for kills in one of the cross-server events. This is a very common practice and one people tend to ignore. However, my guild member is also very good at getting other kills and things, so he often ends up on the Leader Board.
This angered some of the old lions and today they started attacking him over and over again, claiming he was cheating for having a prior arrangement. He asked me about it, worried he would be kicked from the guild. I told him he'd done nothing wrong.
I see this kind of thing happen a lot in the game and in real life, of course, but I see it most often in the game. People will look for any excuse, any small infraction, even imaged ones, and use that to justify their actions.
"I see what you're doing as cheating so I'm going to target you."
"You killed someone who agreed to let you kill them and that makes me mad so I'm going to kill you without your agreement just to show you how right I am. Over and over again."
"Someone didn't properly thank me for helping them so now I'm going to be selfish."
Whatever, people.
Look, if you want to be selfish, if you want to kill other players, if you want to do whatever else in the game that makes you look like an asshole, do it. BUT OWN IT. Don't try to justify the behavior that is benefitting you by saying you're doing it to correct someone else. That isn't your place and you have no right to do so.
This is like people justifying raping someone based on that person's behavior beforehand. This is like terrorizing someone and then claiming you did so because of their actions. No matter what these people did, no matter how horrible it may have been, you are still doing things that would make you a rapist and a terrorist. There are no actions done by someone else that justify you doing that kind of thing.
This is part of human nature, of course. I'm just as guilty as anyone else. If someone starts targeting me in certain events, I'll target them back. I'll smile when they attack me and lose. I'll laugh with glee when their plans go awry. However, I always remind myself that I am in no way the better person for my actions.
I'm just as spiteful, selfish, and sneaky as anyone else.
This angered some of the old lions and today they started attacking him over and over again, claiming he was cheating for having a prior arrangement. He asked me about it, worried he would be kicked from the guild. I told him he'd done nothing wrong.
I see this kind of thing happen a lot in the game and in real life, of course, but I see it most often in the game. People will look for any excuse, any small infraction, even imaged ones, and use that to justify their actions.
"I see what you're doing as cheating so I'm going to target you."
"You killed someone who agreed to let you kill them and that makes me mad so I'm going to kill you without your agreement just to show you how right I am. Over and over again."
"Someone didn't properly thank me for helping them so now I'm going to be selfish."
Whatever, people.
Look, if you want to be selfish, if you want to kill other players, if you want to do whatever else in the game that makes you look like an asshole, do it. BUT OWN IT. Don't try to justify the behavior that is benefitting you by saying you're doing it to correct someone else. That isn't your place and you have no right to do so.
This is like people justifying raping someone based on that person's behavior beforehand. This is like terrorizing someone and then claiming you did so because of their actions. No matter what these people did, no matter how horrible it may have been, you are still doing things that would make you a rapist and a terrorist. There are no actions done by someone else that justify you doing that kind of thing.
This is part of human nature, of course. I'm just as guilty as anyone else. If someone starts targeting me in certain events, I'll target them back. I'll smile when they attack me and lose. I'll laugh with glee when their plans go awry. However, I always remind myself that I am in no way the better person for my actions.
I'm just as spiteful, selfish, and sneaky as anyone else.
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
Appointment Hell
I got a letter from the cancer doctor saying they'd been trying to contact me and I needed to schedule an appointment. I secured the times when my best friend could drive me up there and started trying to make this happen. For about a week, we played phone tag.
Finally, they called me and no, my appointment will NOT be in December as it has been for the last several years, it will be next month. August 20th, I'm headed back to Tulsa. I'm pretty sure this is NOT what my doctor wanted and I'm thinking someone got confused along the way. Whatever the case, my appointment is months ahead of when it should be and now I'm trying not to lowkey tizzy about it.
My roommate decided to go with me. This is close to his birthday so we can do his birthday dinner up there after the appointment. Past that, I have no idea if they'll want to see me in a year or six months or what.
Honestly, all I know is that this is annoying and I have to drive to Tulsa in August heat. Dammit.
Finally, they called me and no, my appointment will NOT be in December as it has been for the last several years, it will be next month. August 20th, I'm headed back to Tulsa. I'm pretty sure this is NOT what my doctor wanted and I'm thinking someone got confused along the way. Whatever the case, my appointment is months ahead of when it should be and now I'm trying not to lowkey tizzy about it.
My roommate decided to go with me. This is close to his birthday so we can do his birthday dinner up there after the appointment. Past that, I have no idea if they'll want to see me in a year or six months or what.
Honestly, all I know is that this is annoying and I have to drive to Tulsa in August heat. Dammit.
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
Shelter
Hey Qween interviewed Mayhem Miller this week. She was talking about coming out to her religious parents and as is the case with a lot of religious kids, they didn't accept it.
When she was 18, she got into a huge fight with her dad and knew she could never go back. She talked about going out to the club and just dancing and dancing, trying not to think about what would happen when the club closed. When it did, she headed out into the street, thinking she'd just try to find someplace to lay down and figure out what to do.
Fortunately, a friend of hers drove by and found out what was happening. He took her to the store and bought the basic items needed for someone to get by and told her to stay with him for the time being. Mayhem could name every single item he bought and did so with a voice full of grateful wonder.
I cried at this point. Shelter and acceptance are so vital to our existence as people. Shelter isn't just about the roof over your head. It's also about the sense of safety, of belonging, that everyone needs. A tube of toothpaste is common and to most of us, just some mundane item that we pick up to perform a function of basic hygiene. But the tube of toothpaste her friend bought for Mayhem was, at that moment, everything. It was part of her safety items, part of her acceptance into his home. It was part of what kept her going.
Again, again, and always, I will say, kindness is the greatest form of anarchy. Selfishness is our default. Violence is common. But kindness, even the smallest act of it, is transformative, beautiful, and imprints on people in ways beyond what we ever intended.
When she was 18, she got into a huge fight with her dad and knew she could never go back. She talked about going out to the club and just dancing and dancing, trying not to think about what would happen when the club closed. When it did, she headed out into the street, thinking she'd just try to find someplace to lay down and figure out what to do.
Fortunately, a friend of hers drove by and found out what was happening. He took her to the store and bought the basic items needed for someone to get by and told her to stay with him for the time being. Mayhem could name every single item he bought and did so with a voice full of grateful wonder.
I cried at this point. Shelter and acceptance are so vital to our existence as people. Shelter isn't just about the roof over your head. It's also about the sense of safety, of belonging, that everyone needs. A tube of toothpaste is common and to most of us, just some mundane item that we pick up to perform a function of basic hygiene. But the tube of toothpaste her friend bought for Mayhem was, at that moment, everything. It was part of her safety items, part of her acceptance into his home. It was part of what kept her going.
Again, again, and always, I will say, kindness is the greatest form of anarchy. Selfishness is our default. Violence is common. But kindness, even the smallest act of it, is transformative, beautiful, and imprints on people in ways beyond what we ever intended.
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