Pain

I'm at that age where weather can put me in pain. We had storms all evening and now my back feels like it's one solid piece of brick. I'm in so much pain right now. I took meds for it but so far they're not doing me a lot of good.

We have to take the car into the mechanic's shop tomorrow. I'm hoping the problem with the AC is fixed quickly and that it works this time. We took it in last year for this exact reason and I don't know. I hope it's not something stupid making it be hotter than the other side.

I like our mechanic but I hate the packing lot of the shop. It's really narrow and there are always a lot of cars around. It scares me, honestly. I dread going there every time we have to go there and I'm trying not to panic about it.

Needless to say, I'm not having a great evening. 

Almost Over

We're coming to the end of the month. I'm pretty impressed with myself this month. I did a lot of stuff. I actually went inside places and socialized with people. It's been a long time since I did that and I'm happy that I did. 

There were costs. I've also spent quite a lot of this month being in pain. I didn't make the progress that I wish I would have in some ways and I didn't do any fictional writing. 

Still, I went places. I had more experiences in the last month than I have in the last four years. That's impressive.

The Scary Moments

When you live on the very edge of things and every bit of resources that you have are vital, any threat to those resources is scary. That happened this weekend. There was a situation that threatened our household. It was assumed it was due to a mistake on the part of others, but until this morning there was no way to prove that.

The situation is handled and we're okay, but those hours of not knowing have really done some damage. I don't think we'll be calm for days now. We're just not good at handling the scary moments anymore.  

Loss

Today my best friend and I drove around the area to enjoy her new car. It's pretty great. It's the newest car I've ever been in.

We went down a lot of backroads that we used to travel as kids. In some ways that was nice, but in others, it was hurtful. There are a lot of changes.

The biggest change is that I finally saw the vacant lot where my grandparents' house used to be. Like I told my best friend, that house was the first place I ever felt safe and now it was gone. That hurt a lot.

I'm still processing this loss. I mean, I thought I had. The house has been gone for years now. Still, it's the first time I've actually seen it. It's a lot.

Exposed

I have now lost enough weight that people outside of my small circle can tell. They can tell by how I move and by just the way I look. They're commenting on it. I know it's to be expected and I know they mean well, but it still makes me feel very exposed.

I'm not upset or offended by any means, but it makes me nervous because part of me still thinks this will stop, that it will go away. I think nothing scares me as much as trying this, it works, and then it completely fails and I end up like I was before. 

Having said that, I went into A Place tonight that, this exact time last year, I had to use my wheelchair to get through. This time, I was able to walk the whole way and not even get that overly winded. I'm very proud about that.

Revealing

I slept so poorly last night. I tried napping today and it just never really caught up with me. I wish it had. It's been so hard not sleeping. It's really the worst part about being on my meds. My sleep isn't as bad as it was before I got my CPAP but it almost is.

I'm doing a challenge on FB where I list the top ten albums that have influenced me. I'm doing it to where it's recent influences. I've done it before where I listed the influences of the past and I think I was too revealing about it. At the time it felt like a good writing assignment but now it feels like I gave too much of myself away. I just don't want to do that on social media anymore.

A Better Situation

I am in a better situation than I was with my meds. I am now on a different strength that is easier to find. This means that hopefully, I won't be going through the crisis every month trying to get my prescription filled. 

In other news, the kitten has learned to fetch. We now have to play fetch with him for a while every day, then he goes to sleep. It's a pretty good system.