For some reason, the internet has been slow and difficult late at night. I'm guessing it has something to do with all the rain we've been getting, but I'm not sure. I'm hoping this posts given that what I wrote last night did not post.
A few days ago, I mentioned that I thought I'd found the reason why I was waking up around five. Motherfucker Man was flashing a bright red light in the direction of my window about that time. I assume it is when he's going to work, though it could just be him being evil. Anyway, I piled a blanket next to me, knowing that would block any light from the window. Happily, I didn't wake up at five. I woke up at seven, but that is far better than five. Maybe the five in the morning cure is over. I'd love it if it was.
Today was quiet for us. I think that for the next few weeks, we're going to try and keep things as low key and quiet as we can. My roommate isn't feeling well and I'm still in the process of healing. A lot of stuff will be happening mid-month and we're doing our best to rest up for that. The longer I can go without interrupted sleep, the better off I will be.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Back from the Trip
Surprisingly, I slept better last night than I thought I would. I went to be a couple of hours earlier than normal and perhaps that allowed me to break the pattern of my usual sleeplessness. I had a lot of strange dreams though, including one where I ended up naked in a crowded party of people and had to go searching for my clothes. Strangely enough, even after I found them, I still thought I was naked.
You know, for a long time now, I've been waking up around five in the morning and I really didn't know why. This morning, as I was trying to wake up and be more alert around that time, I noticed that my neighbor dries to work then, and shines a very bright red light right in my bedroom. Could this be the reason? I suspect it might. It's certainly worth trying to block and see if I sleep.
Anyway, my day was long and tiring. This won't be that big of a post. I'm happy for how things turned out and nothing broke or screwed up. Yay! I'm thankful for my roommate who kept my spirits light and has a keen understanding of directions (something I am lacking in abundance). That kept the day from being overly stressful and this is a very, very good thing.
You know, for a long time now, I've been waking up around five in the morning and I really didn't know why. This morning, as I was trying to wake up and be more alert around that time, I noticed that my neighbor dries to work then, and shines a very bright red light right in my bedroom. Could this be the reason? I suspect it might. It's certainly worth trying to block and see if I sleep.
Anyway, my day was long and tiring. This won't be that big of a post. I'm happy for how things turned out and nothing broke or screwed up. Yay! I'm thankful for my roommate who kept my spirits light and has a keen understanding of directions (something I am lacking in abundance). That kept the day from being overly stressful and this is a very, very good thing.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Sleepless Nights
I fully intended to blog last night, but just as I was getting around to it, the internet started acting wonky. I'm doing it early tonight as a way to avoid that. Well, I'm also doing it because I must needs be in bed early tonight. We have a long trip ahead of us in the morning, one happening due to my medical stuff. I'm hoping I get sleep, but I somehow doubt I will. I'm okay with that though because I'm assuming I'll sleep VERY WELL tomorrow night, if nothing else, just due to exhaustion.
It's funny how when your health is messing up how you learn to prioritize things. You accept that some things will just fall by the side until you have the strength to handle them again. There is a lot of letting go, mostly because you know that there is really no other way to get through the day/hour/moment. Maybe you can't summon up the emotional strength to care about something. Maybe you have to put off some phone calls. Maybe you have to wait until every towel in the house is used before you fold the clean towels. And when you do these things, you feel like you've accomplished the world.
I've found I have to be this way about my sleeping too. There have been nights when I've just been too addled or emotional to sleep. I tried to calm myself down, tried every technique I know, but sometimes it just wouldn't work. I finally just accepted that sometimes sleep isn't going to happen and stopped wasting even more energy worrying about the fact that I didn't sleep. Usually my sleepless nights tie in with the closer I get to the date of an appointment. Once the appointment happens, I can usually sleep better for a while. It isn't IDEAL, but it's what I can manage at the moment.
Mind you, I would LOVE to be able to sleep tonight. I would really like it if, when my head hit the pillow, I slept in deep, wonderful slumber until I had to wake up (way early) in the morning. Nothing would make me happier than if that could happen. I just know how my body and mind have been lately, which is, quite frankly, fairly sabotaging, and with that in mind, I'm quite certain sleep won't happen a lot for me tonight.
Tomorrow though, tomorrow could be wonderful.
It's funny how when your health is messing up how you learn to prioritize things. You accept that some things will just fall by the side until you have the strength to handle them again. There is a lot of letting go, mostly because you know that there is really no other way to get through the day/hour/moment. Maybe you can't summon up the emotional strength to care about something. Maybe you have to put off some phone calls. Maybe you have to wait until every towel in the house is used before you fold the clean towels. And when you do these things, you feel like you've accomplished the world.
I've found I have to be this way about my sleeping too. There have been nights when I've just been too addled or emotional to sleep. I tried to calm myself down, tried every technique I know, but sometimes it just wouldn't work. I finally just accepted that sometimes sleep isn't going to happen and stopped wasting even more energy worrying about the fact that I didn't sleep. Usually my sleepless nights tie in with the closer I get to the date of an appointment. Once the appointment happens, I can usually sleep better for a while. It isn't IDEAL, but it's what I can manage at the moment.
Mind you, I would LOVE to be able to sleep tonight. I would really like it if, when my head hit the pillow, I slept in deep, wonderful slumber until I had to wake up (way early) in the morning. Nothing would make me happier than if that could happen. I just know how my body and mind have been lately, which is, quite frankly, fairly sabotaging, and with that in mind, I'm quite certain sleep won't happen a lot for me tonight.
Tomorrow though, tomorrow could be wonderful.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Gender Fatigue
All weekend long, I've been in this steadily increasing place of emotional fatigue, basically to the point of just wanting to shut down. I know why, of course. The Elliot Rodgers shootings and his manifesto about how horrible women are has put the discussion about misogyny back in the public light, with women discussing the things that have happened to them and people reacting in predictable and usually horrible ways about it.
At the end of the day, I think I'm experiencing gender fatigue. I'm just tired of being female. I'm just tired of all the bullshit that comes along with it. I'm just tired of the fact that I'm a woman alters how people view my rights in terms of money, safety, and even control over my own body. It is exhausting to have to deal with and I'm tired of it.
That isn't to say that I want to be a man. I would never want to be a man. I just wish I was genderless. I wish that was an option for all of us. Or maybe, I wish we could hide our gender from people and just function as a neutral party, with no one ever knowing what we are unless we actually CHOSE to reveal it to them. Wouldn't that be divine? If the only reason someone found out you were a woman was because you actually trusted them enough to let them know?
Wouldn't it be nice to meet people without the expectation of you acting one way or the other? You could just be judged on your wit and charm and cleverness, without someone questioning why a person of your gender would act that way. Wouldn't it be nice to never have expectations of your physical abilities? You could play sports without someone wondering why a guy sucks so much at said sport or why a girl is so aggressive? Wouldn't it be nice to get to have friendships with people without them trying to turn it into something more? It would be so nice to just be 'a person.'
That isn't possible though. Instead we have to navigate the world with our gender on display, with people making their judgments and reacting to us accordingly. That really suck sometimes.
At the end of the day, I think I'm experiencing gender fatigue. I'm just tired of being female. I'm just tired of all the bullshit that comes along with it. I'm just tired of the fact that I'm a woman alters how people view my rights in terms of money, safety, and even control over my own body. It is exhausting to have to deal with and I'm tired of it.
That isn't to say that I want to be a man. I would never want to be a man. I just wish I was genderless. I wish that was an option for all of us. Or maybe, I wish we could hide our gender from people and just function as a neutral party, with no one ever knowing what we are unless we actually CHOSE to reveal it to them. Wouldn't that be divine? If the only reason someone found out you were a woman was because you actually trusted them enough to let them know?
Wouldn't it be nice to meet people without the expectation of you acting one way or the other? You could just be judged on your wit and charm and cleverness, without someone questioning why a person of your gender would act that way. Wouldn't it be nice to never have expectations of your physical abilities? You could play sports without someone wondering why a guy sucks so much at said sport or why a girl is so aggressive? Wouldn't it be nice to get to have friendships with people without them trying to turn it into something more? It would be so nice to just be 'a person.'
That isn't possible though. Instead we have to navigate the world with our gender on display, with people making their judgments and reacting to us accordingly. That really suck sometimes.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Unwanted Filming
This time of year, we function with as much of the house open as possible. Windows and doors (properly screened, of course) are left as wide as possible to allow for as much cool air as we can manage. In some ways, I really love this. In a house as old as mine, having the windows open really levels out the pressure and humidity. It also keeps the air smelling fresh and clean. The cats love it, because it gives them access to smelling the outside world and getting a closer look at the birds and bugs who live out there.
In other ways, it can get really annoying. Every loud ass noise that pisses me off is even louder with the windows open. The Motherfucker Machine sounds like the Ultramegamotherfucker Machine and the trains sound like they're right in your house. The birds, who like to get into squawking wars, can sometimes be so loud they drown out the television. Absolutely no one in our neighborhood has a concept of not yelling at the top of their lungs when they're outside.
Today something really strange happened. It's one of those things that we were more keenly aware of because of the doors and windows being open. I think we felt a stronger sense of vulnerability because of this as well.
After dinner, my roommate noticed a car was very slowly driving down the street. That is always suspicious. He kept watching the car and realized that someone in it was filming as they drove. Just filming our street and our house. He remarked on it as being odd and I agreed. I don't want people filming us, especially when the door is open and I am sitting by said door.
A little while later, they drove by again, still filming. My roommate walked outside and asked them to stop. They waved in his direction, but didn't stop what they were doing. By the time they drove by a third time, he got their plate number and called the cops.
We saw the police drive by, a couple of cars in fact. We never saw the people who were filming drive by again. Either they got what they needed or the police stopped them and told them to quit being creepy. Either way, I'm glad the whole thing ended. It really wasn't a comfortable situation.
In other ways, it can get really annoying. Every loud ass noise that pisses me off is even louder with the windows open. The Motherfucker Machine sounds like the Ultramegamotherfucker Machine and the trains sound like they're right in your house. The birds, who like to get into squawking wars, can sometimes be so loud they drown out the television. Absolutely no one in our neighborhood has a concept of not yelling at the top of their lungs when they're outside.
Today something really strange happened. It's one of those things that we were more keenly aware of because of the doors and windows being open. I think we felt a stronger sense of vulnerability because of this as well.
After dinner, my roommate noticed a car was very slowly driving down the street. That is always suspicious. He kept watching the car and realized that someone in it was filming as they drove. Just filming our street and our house. He remarked on it as being odd and I agreed. I don't want people filming us, especially when the door is open and I am sitting by said door.
A little while later, they drove by again, still filming. My roommate walked outside and asked them to stop. They waved in his direction, but didn't stop what they were doing. By the time they drove by a third time, he got their plate number and called the cops.
We saw the police drive by, a couple of cars in fact. We never saw the people who were filming drive by again. Either they got what they needed or the police stopped them and told them to quit being creepy. Either way, I'm glad the whole thing ended. It really wasn't a comfortable situation.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Choosing your Path
So today, the country discussed Elliot Rodger and how his 22 years of rejection and suspected mental illness led to him deciding to kill people because he was still a virgin. It almost sounds like the plot to some kind of bad movie. Sadly, in this case, it's the truth. Six people are dead, more injured. The shooter himself is dead as well. Before all this began, he put out a video manifesto about why he wanted to kill people, specifically, why he wanted to kill women.
You see, he was frustrated by the fact that the beautiful girls on his campus wouldn't date him. He felt rejected and angry and blamed the women who didn't want him. He blamed women who had probably even noticed him. At one point, on his video, he said his plan was to go into the hottest sorority and kill all the beautiful blonde girls who wouldn't give him the time of day. He said he felt their rejection of him was a crime.
This reminds me of a Margaret Atwood quote. "Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them." The problem is, one of these things should not lead to the other. Someone laughing at you or rejecting you or ignoring you should not justify you ending their life. It certainly shouldn't justify you looking at the whole of a gender and deciding none of them deserve life just because you're not getting your way.
A lot of people will play up the mental health angle on this. They will dismiss his actions as the results of someone who needed treatment for whatever mental disorder was going on. I will agree that we do need to better address the mental issues happening with people in this country. There is no question that we're not doing everything we should to treat people for the things going on with them in a mental and emotional way.
But at the same time, we also need to address this idea that many people have about the nature of what they are owed in terms of life and happiness. Not everyone is going to get a lover. Not everyone is going to find someone to marry. Not everyone is going to lose their virginity. Not everyone is going to get kissed. And not one of us is entitled to those things. No one OWES us sex or relationships or even attention.
And I say this as someone who is in that boat. Past my 20s, I've not really been sexual with anyone. The person I wanted to marry ended up with someone else . . . and then later with another someone else. I made peace with it though, and in doing so, realized that the friendships I had around me were so much more stable than all of that. I realized that I had a roommate who was loyal and funny and very much worth spending my life with.
Some people will never have what is conventional. It just isn't going to happen for us. It may seem like we've been robbed of a choice. The truth is, instead, we've been offered a different choice. We can either continue to ache over never having what most everyone else seems to have, or we can look for alternative paths to happiness. Once we find these other paths, a lot of us realize that we were never really that suited for the normal stuff in the first place.
The alternative, of course, is bitterness, anger, and resentment. What follows that is a life of obsession where we blame everything else and find no contentment whatsoever. We drive people farther away from us. We stop seeing the friendships and companionship that is offered to us or just reject it because it isn't what we think we want. That is a very sad way to live. But as sad as it is, it still isn't an excuse for killing others.
My thoughts go out to the people affected by this.
You see, he was frustrated by the fact that the beautiful girls on his campus wouldn't date him. He felt rejected and angry and blamed the women who didn't want him. He blamed women who had probably even noticed him. At one point, on his video, he said his plan was to go into the hottest sorority and kill all the beautiful blonde girls who wouldn't give him the time of day. He said he felt their rejection of him was a crime.
This reminds me of a Margaret Atwood quote. "Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them." The problem is, one of these things should not lead to the other. Someone laughing at you or rejecting you or ignoring you should not justify you ending their life. It certainly shouldn't justify you looking at the whole of a gender and deciding none of them deserve life just because you're not getting your way.
A lot of people will play up the mental health angle on this. They will dismiss his actions as the results of someone who needed treatment for whatever mental disorder was going on. I will agree that we do need to better address the mental issues happening with people in this country. There is no question that we're not doing everything we should to treat people for the things going on with them in a mental and emotional way.
But at the same time, we also need to address this idea that many people have about the nature of what they are owed in terms of life and happiness. Not everyone is going to get a lover. Not everyone is going to find someone to marry. Not everyone is going to lose their virginity. Not everyone is going to get kissed. And not one of us is entitled to those things. No one OWES us sex or relationships or even attention.
And I say this as someone who is in that boat. Past my 20s, I've not really been sexual with anyone. The person I wanted to marry ended up with someone else . . . and then later with another someone else. I made peace with it though, and in doing so, realized that the friendships I had around me were so much more stable than all of that. I realized that I had a roommate who was loyal and funny and very much worth spending my life with.
Some people will never have what is conventional. It just isn't going to happen for us. It may seem like we've been robbed of a choice. The truth is, instead, we've been offered a different choice. We can either continue to ache over never having what most everyone else seems to have, or we can look for alternative paths to happiness. Once we find these other paths, a lot of us realize that we were never really that suited for the normal stuff in the first place.
The alternative, of course, is bitterness, anger, and resentment. What follows that is a life of obsession where we blame everything else and find no contentment whatsoever. We drive people farther away from us. We stop seeing the friendships and companionship that is offered to us or just reject it because it isn't what we think we want. That is a very sad way to live. But as sad as it is, it still isn't an excuse for killing others.
My thoughts go out to the people affected by this.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Visits
Today's accomplishment was having lunch with one of my favorite people. It's been the first time I've gone out to do this in a long while. She's been ill and of course, I've been a right mess. The place we went isn't the most comfortable for me. It used to be, back when they had a couch, but they got rid of it for some reason. Some bad reason, if you ask me. Of course, in any given situation, I always want a couch.
The chairs weren't AS uncomfortable as they used to be. I guess it's another way in which the lipoma was causing my posture to distort and shift. After a while, the chair did begin to hurt, but it took a lot longer than it has in the past. I was happy about that, though I'm still feeling the pain even now. Still, it really isn't as bad as it used to be.
I am very tired though. It's weird to think that something as simple as sitting with a friend and laughing and talking to them could cause exhaustion, but when you're not used to it anymore, it really can. After a few hours, I knew my energy was starting to wane. By the time I got home, I was very worn out. It's frustrating because that didn't used to be the case. Illness and physical issues can make even the most simple of tasks very difficult.
Despite the pain and the tiredness, I'm glad I went. I had a wonderful time and got a lot of encouragement about the next phase of what is to come for me. I was told some things I needed to hear, because I was feeling pretty down about the situation and needed a different perspective. I'm very grateful for that. Researchers talk about how socialization is good for the healing process, but you never realize how much until you're going through it. Seeing your roommate waiting for you in a hospital room as they wheel you in does so much to improve your sense of security. Being told you've made a difference in someone's life helps you to keep perspective about the meaning of accomplishment.
The chairs weren't AS uncomfortable as they used to be. I guess it's another way in which the lipoma was causing my posture to distort and shift. After a while, the chair did begin to hurt, but it took a lot longer than it has in the past. I was happy about that, though I'm still feeling the pain even now. Still, it really isn't as bad as it used to be.
I am very tired though. It's weird to think that something as simple as sitting with a friend and laughing and talking to them could cause exhaustion, but when you're not used to it anymore, it really can. After a few hours, I knew my energy was starting to wane. By the time I got home, I was very worn out. It's frustrating because that didn't used to be the case. Illness and physical issues can make even the most simple of tasks very difficult.
Despite the pain and the tiredness, I'm glad I went. I had a wonderful time and got a lot of encouragement about the next phase of what is to come for me. I was told some things I needed to hear, because I was feeling pretty down about the situation and needed a different perspective. I'm very grateful for that. Researchers talk about how socialization is good for the healing process, but you never realize how much until you're going through it. Seeing your roommate waiting for you in a hospital room as they wheel you in does so much to improve your sense of security. Being told you've made a difference in someone's life helps you to keep perspective about the meaning of accomplishment.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Bahhh
I am having to go to Tulsa to talk to a more experienced specialist about one of my medical issues. I'm not happy about this. I DO NOT want to go to Tulsa to talk to anyone, as this involves a trip to Tulsa (expensive and long) and meeting new people and speaking to them about personal topics that I do not wish to discuss. Actually, even if I was talking to them about NONpersonal topics, I still wouldn't want to do it. I've reached my quota of meeting/talking to new people already for the year.
I thought I had managed to construct a bit of a safety net for myself. My SIL said she would take me, but her time is always busy and she couldn't do it for another three weeks. As far as I was concerned, this was great! It gave me some downtime to not have to deal with appointments or travel or meeting new people. For a bit, I could just go on with my life without the worry of all this medical hell. When I handed my time schedule to my doctor, I felt a sense of relief because I would have a cushion.
OR SO I THOUGHT! I got a call today and was told that the specialist will be seeing new patients next week on Thursday and I need to be there by 11. No respecting my timeline. No asking if I can get a ride, just "this is when you can come so you best be showing up Thanks."
I just........what the hell?
Sigh. So I don't get what I want. I don't get my nice, safe weeks where I can just be me and maybe sleep and maybe get some sense of normalcy brought back into my life. No, I get another week where I have to go see a doctor. I get another week of questions and judgments. I get another trip to a place I've never been, another frantic hope that we read Google maps correctly, another morning of nervously hoping the van doesn't screw up and I miss a crucial appointment. I get the hell of being stressed out over things I can't control, as money is spent, bills are incurred, and perhaps, when it is all said and done, nothing will change.
I know I'll probably make peace with this in a couple of days. Realistically, it's probably best to have the appointment sooner rather than later, because it things don't go the way I need them to, I need to make alternative plans as soon as possible. This IS for the best, even if it isn't what feels best to me emotionally.
I think the biggest problem is that I hate having so little control about all of this. The problem with dealing with doctors and illness and all of that is that you, as the patient, are mostly in their hands. You can choose to show up to appointments or not. You can choose to allow them to work on you or not. Past that, all the needles and knives and people seeing you naked and answering a million questions....it is just something you have to endure, with very little say in the matter. I fucking hate that.
But there is not one thing I can do about it, except show up to my appointment and hope for the best.
I thought I had managed to construct a bit of a safety net for myself. My SIL said she would take me, but her time is always busy and she couldn't do it for another three weeks. As far as I was concerned, this was great! It gave me some downtime to not have to deal with appointments or travel or meeting new people. For a bit, I could just go on with my life without the worry of all this medical hell. When I handed my time schedule to my doctor, I felt a sense of relief because I would have a cushion.
OR SO I THOUGHT! I got a call today and was told that the specialist will be seeing new patients next week on Thursday and I need to be there by 11. No respecting my timeline. No asking if I can get a ride, just "this is when you can come so you best be showing up Thanks."
I just........what the hell?
Sigh. So I don't get what I want. I don't get my nice, safe weeks where I can just be me and maybe sleep and maybe get some sense of normalcy brought back into my life. No, I get another week where I have to go see a doctor. I get another week of questions and judgments. I get another trip to a place I've never been, another frantic hope that we read Google maps correctly, another morning of nervously hoping the van doesn't screw up and I miss a crucial appointment. I get the hell of being stressed out over things I can't control, as money is spent, bills are incurred, and perhaps, when it is all said and done, nothing will change.
I know I'll probably make peace with this in a couple of days. Realistically, it's probably best to have the appointment sooner rather than later, because it things don't go the way I need them to, I need to make alternative plans as soon as possible. This IS for the best, even if it isn't what feels best to me emotionally.
I think the biggest problem is that I hate having so little control about all of this. The problem with dealing with doctors and illness and all of that is that you, as the patient, are mostly in their hands. You can choose to show up to appointments or not. You can choose to allow them to work on you or not. Past that, all the needles and knives and people seeing you naked and answering a million questions....it is just something you have to endure, with very little say in the matter. I fucking hate that.
But there is not one thing I can do about it, except show up to my appointment and hope for the best.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Third Grade Reading Test
So today in Oklahoma, Congress passed a law that altered, or rather, eased up, the conditions for kids passing the third grade. As it stood, a reading test needed to be passed and said reading test was causing a lot of problems for kids with learning disabilities, test-taking skills, and their ability to speak English. The governor vetoed the bill, but then congress overrode the veto, letting the bill pass anyway.
Now. do I believe that kids should be reading by third grade? Of course I do. I also believe that by that point, they should be able to read well in English and have mastery over a lot of skills. But do I believe that a test should be the factor that dictates if this is actually the case? No, I do not. Now, the original law had stated that SOME kids who met certain requirements could be passed on, but only if they had been retained once before and were in programs to help they catch up. However, beyond that, if a student pass the test, retention to the third grade was automatic.
The new law allows for a committee, composed of the school principle, the third grade reading teacher, a higher-grade teacher, a certified reading specialist, AND the child's parent(s) to decide if a child who doesn't pass the test can still move on to the fourth grade. This will, in some cases, be only probationary and the child will have to take a lot of extra remedial course work in order to help them catch up. I think that is only fair. I think the idea of just passing the kid to the next grade without addressing the problems would be detrimental to the child.
The most important factor in this new standard is that real humans who can interact with the child will be the ones making the decision. Parents who know what the child is capable (and not capable) of doing and professionals who know how to assess progress and potential challenges. Educational assessment can never be a 'one size fits all' because every child learns at a different rate. And yes, some kids may still need to be retained, but for others, it wouldn't help at all. And the last thing we need is a situation where tests are the only thing to decide people's futures.
Now. do I believe that kids should be reading by third grade? Of course I do. I also believe that by that point, they should be able to read well in English and have mastery over a lot of skills. But do I believe that a test should be the factor that dictates if this is actually the case? No, I do not. Now, the original law had stated that SOME kids who met certain requirements could be passed on, but only if they had been retained once before and were in programs to help they catch up. However, beyond that, if a student pass the test, retention to the third grade was automatic.
The new law allows for a committee, composed of the school principle, the third grade reading teacher, a higher-grade teacher, a certified reading specialist, AND the child's parent(s) to decide if a child who doesn't pass the test can still move on to the fourth grade. This will, in some cases, be only probationary and the child will have to take a lot of extra remedial course work in order to help them catch up. I think that is only fair. I think the idea of just passing the kid to the next grade without addressing the problems would be detrimental to the child.
The most important factor in this new standard is that real humans who can interact with the child will be the ones making the decision. Parents who know what the child is capable (and not capable) of doing and professionals who know how to assess progress and potential challenges. Educational assessment can never be a 'one size fits all' because every child learns at a different rate. And yes, some kids may still need to be retained, but for others, it wouldn't help at all. And the last thing we need is a situation where tests are the only thing to decide people's futures.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
No More Staples
I have no more staples! The staples are gone! My arm is free of staples! And it was not a fun experience, let me tell you. See, it's not so bad when they pull out the ones that are loose and ready to go anyway, but some of the staples are basically trying to let the skin grow over them and those hurt like a bitch when they get pulled. I hissed quite a few times during the process. Still, despite all the little blood marks from where they were pulled out, I am happy they are gone. One more step towards having a normal arm.
Mind you, it isn't normal yet. I have little tape bindings over it right now. I was told those would fall off in a few days. Yeah, I have a feeling some of them will fall off by tomorrow. My skin didn't take too well to the glue and you move your are way more than you even think you do. Until they fall off, I've gone from being Frankenstein's monster to being a mummy. I guess I'll circulate through several more monsters before this is all said and done.
For anyone who is wondering when I'll stop blogging about the progress on the state of my health and go back to that other stuff I used to blog about, I have to say that I'm honestly not sure when that will happen. I'm not sure it can happen until my health stuff gets sorted out better. This is kind of Maslow's, you know. I've fallen down to the lower levels of the Hierarchy of Needs, where safety issues are pretty much the major thing occupying my thoughts.
There is a chance that within a month or so, things could be better. I could be on the mend by then, hopefully. Maybe. It could be that enough hoops will have been jumped through by that point to make all of this worth it. If that is the case, maybe I can just recover and feel safe and not worry about the big scary stuff because it will be gone. That would be really nice because I need some full nights of sleep. I miss those.
Mind you, it isn't normal yet. I have little tape bindings over it right now. I was told those would fall off in a few days. Yeah, I have a feeling some of them will fall off by tomorrow. My skin didn't take too well to the glue and you move your are way more than you even think you do. Until they fall off, I've gone from being Frankenstein's monster to being a mummy. I guess I'll circulate through several more monsters before this is all said and done.
For anyone who is wondering when I'll stop blogging about the progress on the state of my health and go back to that other stuff I used to blog about, I have to say that I'm honestly not sure when that will happen. I'm not sure it can happen until my health stuff gets sorted out better. This is kind of Maslow's, you know. I've fallen down to the lower levels of the Hierarchy of Needs, where safety issues are pretty much the major thing occupying my thoughts.
There is a chance that within a month or so, things could be better. I could be on the mend by then, hopefully. Maybe. It could be that enough hoops will have been jumped through by that point to make all of this worth it. If that is the case, maybe I can just recover and feel safe and not worry about the big scary stuff because it will be gone. That would be really nice because I need some full nights of sleep. I miss those.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Driving Again
So for the first time in over two weeks, I drove the van. I was supposed to drive on Friday, but my roommate had time to get the shopping done on Thursday, so that didn't happen. In a way I was glad about that. It gave me the weekend to do some more healing.That was probably a good idea because the constant motion of steering caused part of my scab to fall off. I'm not sure the rest of the stapled up area was all that happy about it either.
Still, driving was interesting. Without the lipoma in the way, steering was a whole other animal. I think I overcompensated a couple of times because I wasn't really used to having this kind of freedom. I felt like my arms were ten feet longer than they had been. It's one of those things that will take some getting used to. In some ways, this is almost like growing a couple of inches overnight and suddenly having to rethink the world.
I was also able to keep the seat higher than before. This has been an ongoing change for me for quite some time. For a while, I was so thick I couldn't even use the seat belt, which risked things by legally and in terms of safety. I've lost enough weight to use it though, and now, with the lipoma gone, I can use it with even more ease. I was a bit confused as to why this was at first. It wasn't like the lipoma was in the way of the belt. Then my roommate reminded me about how differences it caused in my posture and I realized it was one of those things that was affecting my over all body structure, not just the arm itself.
I felt very useful after the whole thing. I was able to drive for shopping and able to help bring things in. Neither of these tasks are large or complicated, but if I'm doing them, then it is some less my roommate (who is suffering from a lingering cold) has to content with on his own. Mind you, I was very tired by the time everything was put away, but strength and endurance can be rebuilt.
I have two appointments tomorrow. One should involve the next steps of the process I've get to discuss here and the other should be me getting staples out of my arm. I'm hoping the staple removal happens, though after the protests my arm did during the driving, I'm not so sure. If it needs to be another week, I can make peace with that. I'm trying to make peace with a lot of stuff right now.
Still, driving was interesting. Without the lipoma in the way, steering was a whole other animal. I think I overcompensated a couple of times because I wasn't really used to having this kind of freedom. I felt like my arms were ten feet longer than they had been. It's one of those things that will take some getting used to. In some ways, this is almost like growing a couple of inches overnight and suddenly having to rethink the world.
I was also able to keep the seat higher than before. This has been an ongoing change for me for quite some time. For a while, I was so thick I couldn't even use the seat belt, which risked things by legally and in terms of safety. I've lost enough weight to use it though, and now, with the lipoma gone, I can use it with even more ease. I was a bit confused as to why this was at first. It wasn't like the lipoma was in the way of the belt. Then my roommate reminded me about how differences it caused in my posture and I realized it was one of those things that was affecting my over all body structure, not just the arm itself.
I felt very useful after the whole thing. I was able to drive for shopping and able to help bring things in. Neither of these tasks are large or complicated, but if I'm doing them, then it is some less my roommate (who is suffering from a lingering cold) has to content with on his own. Mind you, I was very tired by the time everything was put away, but strength and endurance can be rebuilt.
I have two appointments tomorrow. One should involve the next steps of the process I've get to discuss here and the other should be me getting staples out of my arm. I'm hoping the staple removal happens, though after the protests my arm did during the driving, I'm not so sure. If it needs to be another week, I can make peace with that. I'm trying to make peace with a lot of stuff right now.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Another Easier Thing
My arm is achy tonight, but I'm not surprised by this. I folded a large amount of towels and sorted through some other laundry this morning. I'd seriously not folded any towels in almost three weeks and we were down to the last rung of them. If we didn't have the towels of three blended households to work with, we'd probably been forced to drip dry by now.
Even though I still have the staples in my arm and it hasn't quite completely healed, even though it still has some swelling going on, that was still the easiest time I've had folding towels in years. Without the lipoma to cause its problems and be in my way, the whole process just sped by. I was even able to get stuff out of the dryer with far more ease. It just makes a ton of difference when you have both arms functioning at the same level.
It was a very freeing experience for me. It makes me wonder how many other tasks are going to be equally less cumbersome now that I have mobility. My guess is all of them. Or, at least, any task that will involve my arms (which when it comes to housework, is basically all of them) will certainly be easier.
I'm not really one of those people who believes in folding All the Things, but I do like to fold towels and other bathroom things. Keeping them organized goes a long way in terms of everything in the bathroom not looking like pure chaos. I'm happy that I can do that with less problems now. After all, towels are constantly in need of being washed. Even as I was folding the ones this morning, a new load of them was being put in the washer.
So even though my arm is protesting all of this, I'm glad it happened. We have organized towels again and I had a far less difficult time in making that happen. This is a good thing.
Even though I still have the staples in my arm and it hasn't quite completely healed, even though it still has some swelling going on, that was still the easiest time I've had folding towels in years. Without the lipoma to cause its problems and be in my way, the whole process just sped by. I was even able to get stuff out of the dryer with far more ease. It just makes a ton of difference when you have both arms functioning at the same level.
It was a very freeing experience for me. It makes me wonder how many other tasks are going to be equally less cumbersome now that I have mobility. My guess is all of them. Or, at least, any task that will involve my arms (which when it comes to housework, is basically all of them) will certainly be easier.
I'm not really one of those people who believes in folding All the Things, but I do like to fold towels and other bathroom things. Keeping them organized goes a long way in terms of everything in the bathroom not looking like pure chaos. I'm happy that I can do that with less problems now. After all, towels are constantly in need of being washed. Even as I was folding the ones this morning, a new load of them was being put in the washer.
So even though my arm is protesting all of this, I'm glad it happened. We have organized towels again and I had a far less difficult time in making that happen. This is a good thing.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Walking Tall
One of the things about having almost 14 lbs of extra weight on your arm is that it begins to affect your posture. I slumped. This meant that how I sat, how I stood, and how I walked was altered on a daily basis. You know all that stuff you hear about how important posture is? That just wasn't possible for me. Not, of course, that I realized how much it was altering things at the time. Now that I have the lipoma off of me, it's like walking around in a whole other world.
Seriously. When I stand up, my body still thinks it has to slump, but then I remember it isn't needed anymore. I straighten up those extra inches and when I do, my back is set differently, the way my legs feel is different, even the way I carry my weight is different. I'm finding I'm in less pain when I walk. I have a touch more endurance. Yes, I realize that part of that is merely getting the extra weight off, but being able to walk with my shoulders back and my spine in a more proper position helps a lot.
In a way, it really frustrates me because I've been trying to get this lipoma removed for quite a while now. I tried to have it removed two years ago. Hell, I tried to have it removed five years ago. Had it been done then, who knows how much progress I could have made by now. I just kept getting stonewalled by people who feared the process or felt like tests (that no one could make happen due to equipment limitations) needed to be ran first. Had this happened back then, the other issues I'm facing now might not even be issues at all.
I'm not going to let myself dwell too much on that. What's done is done and the thing is gone now. It may have come later than I would have wanted it to, but it did come and there is a lot of benefit from it. Even if nothing else works out in my favor as far as this health journey goes, at least I have this. And assuming my arm doesn't decide to rot off, so far this has been glorious.
Seriously. When I stand up, my body still thinks it has to slump, but then I remember it isn't needed anymore. I straighten up those extra inches and when I do, my back is set differently, the way my legs feel is different, even the way I carry my weight is different. I'm finding I'm in less pain when I walk. I have a touch more endurance. Yes, I realize that part of that is merely getting the extra weight off, but being able to walk with my shoulders back and my spine in a more proper position helps a lot.
In a way, it really frustrates me because I've been trying to get this lipoma removed for quite a while now. I tried to have it removed two years ago. Hell, I tried to have it removed five years ago. Had it been done then, who knows how much progress I could have made by now. I just kept getting stonewalled by people who feared the process or felt like tests (that no one could make happen due to equipment limitations) needed to be ran first. Had this happened back then, the other issues I'm facing now might not even be issues at all.
I'm not going to let myself dwell too much on that. What's done is done and the thing is gone now. It may have come later than I would have wanted it to, but it did come and there is a lot of benefit from it. Even if nothing else works out in my favor as far as this health journey goes, at least I have this. And assuming my arm doesn't decide to rot off, so far this has been glorious.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
First Fun Outing
I went to see my best friend today. It's the first time I've really been out of the house (other than to go to doctor's appointments) since the surgery. It's only the second time I've been in the car since coming home from the hospital. The first time, of course, was to go to the doctor on Tuesday. I'm not one for being in the car every day, but even for me, this is a reduction in outside time. It has certainly been strange.
Over all, I think it was good for both of us that I went to see her. The last time she was around me was the day I was in the hospital. That's never a good time to see another human. They always look kind of bad. I think she needed to see that I was recovering and actually seeing benefit from what happened. Honestly, I think I needed to see this as well.
I think when you have surgery, it's important to try and get back into a normal routine as soon as possible. Even if this means you start things with a bit more pain than you might be comfortable with. Don't be too risky about it. I didn't really try to do much until the evil drainage tube was removed, but once it was gone, I did my best to really try and make life be what it was before hand.
Over all, I think it was good for both of us that I went to see her. The last time she was around me was the day I was in the hospital. That's never a good time to see another human. They always look kind of bad. I think she needed to see that I was recovering and actually seeing benefit from what happened. Honestly, I think I needed to see this as well.
I think when you have surgery, it's important to try and get back into a normal routine as soon as possible. Even if this means you start things with a bit more pain than you might be comfortable with. Don't be too risky about it. I didn't really try to do much until the evil drainage tube was removed, but once it was gone, I did my best to really try and make life be what it was before hand.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Letting It Happen
Somehow, despite my instincts, I'm managing to basically ignore my staples. I'll clean them and make sure everything looks okay, but other than that, I'm doing my best not to mess with them. When it comes to healing, it's really best to just leave the cut alone and let your body do what it's going to do. Don't pick at it. Don't prod at it. Don't bother it. Just allow the wound to heal.
I'm not good at this. I spent quite a lot of my adult life just ignoring things to the point where they got really out of hand. Past that, I started trying to actively fix stuff, doing my best to be active in the process of making things happen. It feels like the responsible thing to do. Whenever the issue with the taxes happened, I got on it. I pay my bills the same day I get money. I try my best to be on top of any and all things that are happening.
That just isn't an option when you're healing. You have some basic options about what you can do, but very little past that. Everything that happens in the way of progress is a natural part of your body. You just have to step back and let it do its thing. It's a hard lesson to learn, especially when you've worked really hard to not be passive about what's going on in your life. However, it's the quickest way to get healing to happen.
Is there an analogy in there somewhere? I think so. When it comes to therapy, I'm certainly more of the 'focus on the positive changes' instead of the 'keep rehashing the old emotional wounds." When I first started getting help, a lot of the stuff that had happened to me was discussed in detail. It was good to talk about it, but after a while, I started understanding that just talking about the past wouldn't make things better if nothing else happened.
So I'm doing my best to keep my surgical wound clean. I'm keeping it as guarded as I feel it needs to be, though I'm trying to do that less and less each day. I don't want the arm to get babied past the point of it not functioning properly. I'm changing the bandages on my wound from my drain tube,because it's still leaking fluid, but hopefully in a day or so, that will stop as well. Beyond that, I'm just letting it heal.
I have to trust my body knows what to do here.
I'm not good at this. I spent quite a lot of my adult life just ignoring things to the point where they got really out of hand. Past that, I started trying to actively fix stuff, doing my best to be active in the process of making things happen. It feels like the responsible thing to do. Whenever the issue with the taxes happened, I got on it. I pay my bills the same day I get money. I try my best to be on top of any and all things that are happening.
That just isn't an option when you're healing. You have some basic options about what you can do, but very little past that. Everything that happens in the way of progress is a natural part of your body. You just have to step back and let it do its thing. It's a hard lesson to learn, especially when you've worked really hard to not be passive about what's going on in your life. However, it's the quickest way to get healing to happen.
Is there an analogy in there somewhere? I think so. When it comes to therapy, I'm certainly more of the 'focus on the positive changes' instead of the 'keep rehashing the old emotional wounds." When I first started getting help, a lot of the stuff that had happened to me was discussed in detail. It was good to talk about it, but after a while, I started understanding that just talking about the past wouldn't make things better if nothing else happened.
So I'm doing my best to keep my surgical wound clean. I'm keeping it as guarded as I feel it needs to be, though I'm trying to do that less and less each day. I don't want the arm to get babied past the point of it not functioning properly. I'm changing the bandages on my wound from my drain tube,because it's still leaking fluid, but hopefully in a day or so, that will stop as well. Beyond that, I'm just letting it heal.
I have to trust my body knows what to do here.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
A Positive Day
I had my first post-op appointment today. I was pretty nervous about it because my drainage tube has been acting up and causing me problems. He felt it was no more than what normally happens at this point with those (very evil) things and had it taken out. The staples stay in for another week. He said he was pleased with the progress of my healing and actually thought things looked better than he expected them to.
I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to have that damned drain taken out of my arm. That thing has been plaguing me for a week. It would always get hooked on something and pull. The stitch that connected it to my arm hurt constantly, I had to baby it and shield it, which meant that when I was trying to sleep, I'd have to wake up enough to insure it wasn't put in any kind of damaging position.
Because of where it was located, my roommate had to drain it for me. He was cool about this, which was very sweet of him, but it is kind of awkward to have someone else basically removing waste product from your body, even if it is from a tube. I am very grateful for his help with this. We had to keep track of the amount that was drained off and during the days when I was still taking my pain meds, I didn't have many 'keeping track' skills.
When we got home, I took a nap and slept better than I have in days, possibly weeks. It was a deep,hard sleep and it was delicious. I've needed to sleep like that for so long and it's just been in possible. Hopefully, I'll get some more sleep between now and next week when the next round of appointments start back up.
I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to have that damned drain taken out of my arm. That thing has been plaguing me for a week. It would always get hooked on something and pull. The stitch that connected it to my arm hurt constantly, I had to baby it and shield it, which meant that when I was trying to sleep, I'd have to wake up enough to insure it wasn't put in any kind of damaging position.
Because of where it was located, my roommate had to drain it for me. He was cool about this, which was very sweet of him, but it is kind of awkward to have someone else basically removing waste product from your body, even if it is from a tube. I am very grateful for his help with this. We had to keep track of the amount that was drained off and during the days when I was still taking my pain meds, I didn't have many 'keeping track' skills.
When we got home, I took a nap and slept better than I have in days, possibly weeks. It was a deep,hard sleep and it was delicious. I've needed to sleep like that for so long and it's just been in possible. Hopefully, I'll get some more sleep between now and next week when the next round of appointments start back up.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Hospital Dream Trauma
When you're dealing with medical issues, they tend to dominate your thoughts. I go to sleep trying not to think about what all is happening (usually failing at this) and wake up somewhere around six, my mind again occupied with the situation. The worst part is that it also begins to invade your dreams. Sometimes this happens in small ways, just dreams about you hooked to machines or in hospital beds. Other times, it's far more disturbing.
This afternoon, I dreamed I was in the hospital again and kept being sexually violated by people. A lot of people. At one point, I was being held down on a table while at least ten people did various unwanted things to my body. When I begged them to stop, I was told they were simply doing what was needed to help me get better.
I never had clothes in this dream. Sometimes I would have a hospital gown or maybe a sheet, but nothing else. Quite often, people would come up to me and remove these. I would try to get them back, but it was always a struggle, as I was still in a lot of pain. During part of the dream, after having been stripped yet again of my gown, I found myself hiding in a supply closet. I found a box of bandages and kept trying to wind them around me so I could be covered up. It didn't work.
Later in the dream, after I'd found a gown again, I was told to wait in a room for my next round of treatment. There were three men in the room with me, also waiting to be helped. I tried to stay still and unnoticed but it didn't work. Even though a nurse was in the room with us, the men began to sexually assault me, just like the people had before. The nurse even told me I should be grateful because one of the men had decided he loved me. How fucked up is that?
I understand the dream. Being in the hospital is a very violating thing. People are constantly poking you with things and touching you. You're basically naked and there to be accessed for anything they need. It's not sexual, of course, but there are very similar patterns. Hell, when I was having my pic line put in, I even had my arm restrained. When you leave the hospital, in a lot of ways, you feel like something very bad has just happened to you, even if it was something that could potentially help you.
This afternoon, I dreamed I was in the hospital again and kept being sexually violated by people. A lot of people. At one point, I was being held down on a table while at least ten people did various unwanted things to my body. When I begged them to stop, I was told they were simply doing what was needed to help me get better.
I never had clothes in this dream. Sometimes I would have a hospital gown or maybe a sheet, but nothing else. Quite often, people would come up to me and remove these. I would try to get them back, but it was always a struggle, as I was still in a lot of pain. During part of the dream, after having been stripped yet again of my gown, I found myself hiding in a supply closet. I found a box of bandages and kept trying to wind them around me so I could be covered up. It didn't work.
Later in the dream, after I'd found a gown again, I was told to wait in a room for my next round of treatment. There were three men in the room with me, also waiting to be helped. I tried to stay still and unnoticed but it didn't work. Even though a nurse was in the room with us, the men began to sexually assault me, just like the people had before. The nurse even told me I should be grateful because one of the men had decided he loved me. How fucked up is that?
I understand the dream. Being in the hospital is a very violating thing. People are constantly poking you with things and touching you. You're basically naked and there to be accessed for anything they need. It's not sexual, of course, but there are very similar patterns. Hell, when I was having my pic line put in, I even had my arm restrained. When you leave the hospital, in a lot of ways, you feel like something very bad has just happened to you, even if it was something that could potentially help you.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Last Week's Surgery
For several years now. I've had an ever growing lipoma on my right arm. While many lipomas reach a certain size and are content to just stay there, mine felt the need to continue to grow until it ended up weighing almost 14 lbs. It's difficult to manage with something that large on your upper arm, especially when it's your dominant hand. I've had to alter a lot of my behaviors. There were some things I just couldn't do, like eat in public (the lipoma would make my shirt ride up so high you could see my bra). There were other things that were simply just more difficult, like typing or trying to brush my hair.
Last Monday, this lipoma was removed. I've been trying to get it removed for a while now, but no one was ever really comfortable with doing it. I finally found a doctor who was, and, honestly, I'm glad it was him because the whole thing ended up being more complicated that we thought it would. We believed the lipoma was just under my skin, but it turns out it was in between two large muscle groups on my arm. The surgeon had to move between them to cut the damned thing out. What was supposed to only take a couple of hours ended up taking over four. What was supposed to be an outpatient situation ended up being me staying in the hospital overnight for observation.
Now I have over 40 staples in my arm. My skin HATES the staples in much the same way it used to hate me wearing earrings. I also have a drainage tube and my skin hates it too. I'm hoping the tube comes out on Tuesday because I'm very tired of dealing with it. I mistrust it and somewhat hopes it just falls out on its own.
Despite the pain and the skin protests, so far things seem better than they did before the lipoma was removed. Even now, I have better range of motion that I did and my shirts fit so much better. I feel like less of a freak. It didn't take as long to get used to as I thought it would, even though I've had some balance issues from time to time.
Healing is never an easy process, especially when you have a pretty large wound. The worst part for me is that I have a sinus infection going on, so I keep coughing and sneezing all the time. Thank heaven for antibacterial stuff. I'm also staying really tired. Healing zaps a lot of your strength. While I am not as fatigued as I was after the bloodhell in January, I am staying as tired as I used to before I got my CPAP. It's been a rough week and probably next week won't be a lot better.
Though a few weeks from now, things could be much better.
Last Monday, this lipoma was removed. I've been trying to get it removed for a while now, but no one was ever really comfortable with doing it. I finally found a doctor who was, and, honestly, I'm glad it was him because the whole thing ended up being more complicated that we thought it would. We believed the lipoma was just under my skin, but it turns out it was in between two large muscle groups on my arm. The surgeon had to move between them to cut the damned thing out. What was supposed to only take a couple of hours ended up taking over four. What was supposed to be an outpatient situation ended up being me staying in the hospital overnight for observation.
Now I have over 40 staples in my arm. My skin HATES the staples in much the same way it used to hate me wearing earrings. I also have a drainage tube and my skin hates it too. I'm hoping the tube comes out on Tuesday because I'm very tired of dealing with it. I mistrust it and somewhat hopes it just falls out on its own.
Despite the pain and the skin protests, so far things seem better than they did before the lipoma was removed. Even now, I have better range of motion that I did and my shirts fit so much better. I feel like less of a freak. It didn't take as long to get used to as I thought it would, even though I've had some balance issues from time to time.
Healing is never an easy process, especially when you have a pretty large wound. The worst part for me is that I have a sinus infection going on, so I keep coughing and sneezing all the time. Thank heaven for antibacterial stuff. I'm also staying really tired. Healing zaps a lot of your strength. While I am not as fatigued as I was after the bloodhell in January, I am staying as tired as I used to before I got my CPAP. It's been a rough week and probably next week won't be a lot better.
Though a few weeks from now, things could be much better.
Friday, May 9, 2014
Mother's Day
It's Mother's Day Weekend, which means I'll be seeing my uncle! This isn't a tradition we planned, it just happens that his school reunion (which is an every year thing) is on the same weekend as Mother's Day. I don't have a mother any more and neither does he. My SIL's mom is usually out of the state. As it stands, we've found that we end up spending the holiday together.
In a lot of ways, I find this comforting. It's easier, actually, then spending the holiday with my mom or my grandmother. They were both always high strung and nervous on Mother's Day and that didn't make things easy for anyone. I'd rather things be nice and low key, easy to handle and easy to deal with. It's better when there aren't the high stakes expectations those two women used to put on each other.
I guess if I wished anything for them, it would have been that they didn't do that to themselves. I wish they could have relaxed and just enjoyed the day. Hell, I wish they could have just relaxed. Neither of them were ever very good at relaxing. They were both always so ON. They were both always so nervous and jumpy. Sometimes I think they felt like that was how life had to be. If that is the case, it makes me deeply sad that they felt that way.
My uncle isn't a nervous person. He tends to be more laid back and relaxing to be around. Clearly whatever memo my mother and grandmother got about behavior was not sent to him. It wasn't sent to me either. Or rather, it was, but I choose to ignore it. I can have my moments of nervousness, but I try not to let it be my constant state of being. That gets tiresome and boring. I'd rather relax.
Cats help a lot.
In a lot of ways, I find this comforting. It's easier, actually, then spending the holiday with my mom or my grandmother. They were both always high strung and nervous on Mother's Day and that didn't make things easy for anyone. I'd rather things be nice and low key, easy to handle and easy to deal with. It's better when there aren't the high stakes expectations those two women used to put on each other.
I guess if I wished anything for them, it would have been that they didn't do that to themselves. I wish they could have relaxed and just enjoyed the day. Hell, I wish they could have just relaxed. Neither of them were ever very good at relaxing. They were both always so ON. They were both always so nervous and jumpy. Sometimes I think they felt like that was how life had to be. If that is the case, it makes me deeply sad that they felt that way.
My uncle isn't a nervous person. He tends to be more laid back and relaxing to be around. Clearly whatever memo my mother and grandmother got about behavior was not sent to him. It wasn't sent to me either. Or rather, it was, but I choose to ignore it. I can have my moments of nervousness, but I try not to let it be my constant state of being. That gets tiresome and boring. I'd rather relax.
Cats help a lot.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Small Mercies
Today was made of roughness. My roommate and I both feel bad and this more or less dominated everything going on. I've been tired and in pain. He was visibly ill and looked like he was in a lot of pain as well. He mentioned that it doesn't bode well when we're both ill and he's right. It just makes everything harder.
The only pleasant thing about the day was the fact that it rained. This meant that it stated mostly dark and cool. That helped me out a lot. I needed some dark and cool. Maybe it will make a difference. The last several days have been unforgiving and bright. Darkness was my friend.
When you feel bad, it's the small mercies that make all the difference for you. A bit of darkness. Some cool weather. A nice little respite from the normal stuff going on. It helps a lot. I hope next time you need those, you get some.
The only pleasant thing about the day was the fact that it rained. This meant that it stated mostly dark and cool. That helped me out a lot. I needed some dark and cool. Maybe it will make a difference. The last several days have been unforgiving and bright. Darkness was my friend.
When you feel bad, it's the small mercies that make all the difference for you. A bit of darkness. Some cool weather. A nice little respite from the normal stuff going on. It helps a lot. I hope next time you need those, you get some.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Spring Days
It's starting to get warm again. Normally I'd be upset about that, but it was cold so long that I've kind of decided to embrace the warmth and be happy about it. I probably won't do that for long, but for now, it's pretty nice. The cats are happy about it too. The cats are slumbering by open windows, enjoying the scents from outside and the sunlight. Aside from the fleas, cats totally love spring.
Well, aside from fleas and storms. A lot of cats don't like the storms very much. Our current grouping isn't too bad about the, but Miss Alice was terrified of storms. She would make the saddest noises whenever we would have nasty weather. Poor kitty. I miss her so much. Even now we talk about her a lot. That's the thing about cats you lose. They stay with you in spirit. As cheesy as that sounds, it's true.
We mostly had a quiet day. We watched the cats and just tried to recover from recent drama. I think the more quiet things can be over the next several days, the better off we'll all be.
Well, aside from fleas and storms. A lot of cats don't like the storms very much. Our current grouping isn't too bad about the, but Miss Alice was terrified of storms. She would make the saddest noises whenever we would have nasty weather. Poor kitty. I miss her so much. Even now we talk about her a lot. That's the thing about cats you lose. They stay with you in spirit. As cheesy as that sounds, it's true.
We mostly had a quiet day. We watched the cats and just tried to recover from recent drama. I think the more quiet things can be over the next several days, the better off we'll all be.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Small Update
Uhggh, three days since I last blogged? Really? Oh well, there are reasons for it. I'm having some medical issues, though I'm not really ready to discuss them in detail quite yet. The last couple of weeks of my life have been rough and I'm in a state of exhaustion. I need sleep. I need real rest. And I need a lot of it.
I do have some things in abundance though. I have friends and family who support me and are doing their best to help me through this. It's not fun to be the person with the medical stuff happening, but it's also not fun to be someone who loves said person and is watching them go through it. My roommate spent 12 hours of yesterday in a very uncomfortable and boring place so he could be there to support me during all of this madness. My best friend spent the night with me so I wouldn't be alone in a strange place. These things mean the world to me.
Now I just need to try and heal for a while. Hopefully I can find a lot of healing during this process. I really need it.
I do have some things in abundance though. I have friends and family who support me and are doing their best to help me through this. It's not fun to be the person with the medical stuff happening, but it's also not fun to be someone who loves said person and is watching them go through it. My roommate spent 12 hours of yesterday in a very uncomfortable and boring place so he could be there to support me during all of this madness. My best friend spent the night with me so I wouldn't be alone in a strange place. These things mean the world to me.
Now I just need to try and heal for a while. Hopefully I can find a lot of healing during this process. I really need it.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Cats, Vets, and the Fall of Soap Operas
The other day I was in a waiting room, a soap opera I used to watch was on the TV. I was curious about it, because honestly you can go years without seeing a soap opera and still have a pretty good idea of what was happening. This one was mostly no exception.
The woman who has been fighting with all the other women for alpha control is still fighting with other women. She's older now and it seems her main rival is a woman who used to be on another soap. It was interesting to see her on there. I like to imagine she's playing the same character from her old show. She just got exiled onto this one because she caused so many problems. I really hope that's true. It could be this threat. "You'd best behave or you get sent to the REALLY bad soap opera."
And, honestly, this one IS the really bad one. It's probably the worst. I'm also convinced that the people who produce it don't think anyone is watching. They're just making up random shit and letting it play because nothing else really wants this time slot. In fact, I know this is true because half of the episode of was dedicated to two characters taking a cat to a vet.
Yes, you read that right. Taking a cat to the vet. And keep in mind, there was no dialogue to this scene. They had no meaningful discussion and offered no insights into their lives. It was just some sappy love song over a montage of them taking the cat to the vet. That is all. Clearly the writing staff has emotionally checked out of this.
It makes me kind of sad, actually. Not that this show as every like epic level writing or anything, but at least it used to have plots and intrigue and exotic locations. Now it just as sap, rehashed rivalries, and mopey cat goes to vet videos. I get that soap operas are on their way out, but it's sad that they're not leaving with a bang. Make the most dramatic, unrealistic, wicked, and eventful plot you can make! Not just........cat goes to vet. That's just really depressing.
The woman who has been fighting with all the other women for alpha control is still fighting with other women. She's older now and it seems her main rival is a woman who used to be on another soap. It was interesting to see her on there. I like to imagine she's playing the same character from her old show. She just got exiled onto this one because she caused so many problems. I really hope that's true. It could be this threat. "You'd best behave or you get sent to the REALLY bad soap opera."
And, honestly, this one IS the really bad one. It's probably the worst. I'm also convinced that the people who produce it don't think anyone is watching. They're just making up random shit and letting it play because nothing else really wants this time slot. In fact, I know this is true because half of the episode of was dedicated to two characters taking a cat to a vet.
Yes, you read that right. Taking a cat to the vet. And keep in mind, there was no dialogue to this scene. They had no meaningful discussion and offered no insights into their lives. It was just some sappy love song over a montage of them taking the cat to the vet. That is all. Clearly the writing staff has emotionally checked out of this.
It makes me kind of sad, actually. Not that this show as every like epic level writing or anything, but at least it used to have plots and intrigue and exotic locations. Now it just as sap, rehashed rivalries, and mopey cat goes to vet videos. I get that soap operas are on their way out, but it's sad that they're not leaving with a bang. Make the most dramatic, unrealistic, wicked, and eventful plot you can make! Not just........cat goes to vet. That's just really depressing.
Friday, May 2, 2014
The Other Shoe Drops
I got the first part of my bill from the ER visit that happened in January. My insurance covered most of it, though I could still be billed some of secondary insurance doesn't cover it. My roommate reminded me that while my bill covered the ER stuff, it didn't cover the ER physician, who will probably be sending his own bills of fuckery. Which just . . . yay. Hopefully the insurance will cover him as well. This showed up at a bad time because I'm currently in the process of running up even more medical expenses. It didn't set well with me because I know that ER visit is just the first in a series of things I'm going to potentially have to pay for. I really loath being in debt, but I don't really have a choice this time.
People talk a lot about how much debt our country is in and quite often, when it comes to personal debt, we blame the debtor. I know that sometimes that is the case, but certainly not always. A great deal of people in this country are trying to pay off their medical expenses. A lot of people in this country never get treated because they know there is no way they can pay off their medical expenses. They just let their problems get worse and worse and hope for the best.
I can understand both sides of that. Sometimes the emotional and psychological burden of being in debt is more than people can handle. They will do anything to avoid it, even if it means they may die in the process. For other people, they hope to find a way to put the prospect of the debt out of their minds. They hope for ways to work with the medical community and maybe try to just pay things off a little at a time. They get their health, hopefully, but at the cost of knowing this burden is now hanging over them.
I think this is one of the reasons why health care is such s huge topic in our country. Many people don't want to pay extra cost of covering everyone who lacks the funds to cover themselves. Other people hate the idea of someone having to choose between life and debt. The people who are having to make these choices often do their best to ignore the debate completely, because they grow tired of being cast as the villains in the matter. Besides, they quite often have other things to worry about.
People talk a lot about how much debt our country is in and quite often, when it comes to personal debt, we blame the debtor. I know that sometimes that is the case, but certainly not always. A great deal of people in this country are trying to pay off their medical expenses. A lot of people in this country never get treated because they know there is no way they can pay off their medical expenses. They just let their problems get worse and worse and hope for the best.
I can understand both sides of that. Sometimes the emotional and psychological burden of being in debt is more than people can handle. They will do anything to avoid it, even if it means they may die in the process. For other people, they hope to find a way to put the prospect of the debt out of their minds. They hope for ways to work with the medical community and maybe try to just pay things off a little at a time. They get their health, hopefully, but at the cost of knowing this burden is now hanging over them.
I think this is one of the reasons why health care is such s huge topic in our country. Many people don't want to pay extra cost of covering everyone who lacks the funds to cover themselves. Other people hate the idea of someone having to choose between life and debt. The people who are having to make these choices often do their best to ignore the debate completely, because they grow tired of being cast as the villains in the matter. Besides, they quite often have other things to worry about.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Responsible Until You're Not
Things are off this week due to some stuff that has to do with me. This wouldn't be so bad, except it's also the first of the month. This means that on top of shopping needing to happen, bills have to be paid in a timely fashion. Sometimes it feels like everything piles up at once. It's frustrating and tiring. Still, there is nothing that can be done about it. As much as we try, quite often life gets in the way of our schedules. I don't like this. If you read the blog often, you know I don't like this.
Lately, a lot of stuff as been a big lesson in WHAT I CAN CONTROL versus WHAT IS BEYOND MY CONTROL. There are new things I'm having to be responsible for. I'm having to remember discussions, terms, rules, and procedures, all the while knowing that while it is important that I do the checklist of things regulated to me, past that, nothing is really in my hands. I'm just a passive part of what is happening.
It's like the renewal forms for benefits. There are several things you have to make sure you have. You have to fill out the forms and turn in all the paperwork. You must make sure everything is copied and turned in on time. You have to keep the stuff with you, almost constantly, to make sure if something IS NOT there, you can make another copy and submit that one. Past all of this, there is NO ONE THING you can do to control the situation. It is completely in someone else's hands.
I think this is maybe one of the most difficult things to accept as an adult. When you're a kid, and you have basically no control over anything, you believe that adulthood will change all of that. It doesn't. Not at all. As an adult, you have some basic things you can make decisions about, and past that, almost everything else is out of your hands. It's a hard lesson to learn. Most of the time you're just doing your best to hope you didn't screw anything up or forget anything or offend anyone. Past that, there is little you can do.
Lately, a lot of stuff as been a big lesson in WHAT I CAN CONTROL versus WHAT IS BEYOND MY CONTROL. There are new things I'm having to be responsible for. I'm having to remember discussions, terms, rules, and procedures, all the while knowing that while it is important that I do the checklist of things regulated to me, past that, nothing is really in my hands. I'm just a passive part of what is happening.
It's like the renewal forms for benefits. There are several things you have to make sure you have. You have to fill out the forms and turn in all the paperwork. You must make sure everything is copied and turned in on time. You have to keep the stuff with you, almost constantly, to make sure if something IS NOT there, you can make another copy and submit that one. Past all of this, there is NO ONE THING you can do to control the situation. It is completely in someone else's hands.
I think this is maybe one of the most difficult things to accept as an adult. When you're a kid, and you have basically no control over anything, you believe that adulthood will change all of that. It doesn't. Not at all. As an adult, you have some basic things you can make decisions about, and past that, almost everything else is out of your hands. It's a hard lesson to learn. Most of the time you're just doing your best to hope you didn't screw anything up or forget anything or offend anyone. Past that, there is little you can do.
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