NYE

It was a cold and rainy New Year's Eve. We stayed in the house most of the day. I took an amazing nap. We ate pizza and cake for dinner. It was sedate and perfect. 

It's been a strange and sad year. A lot of needless pain happened. A lot of needless suffering happened. A lot of needless violence happened. Many people are going to be in very different places this time next year, emotionally, physically, and in every other way.

I'm ending the year in gratitude. I have a home and a car. I am not ill and my household stayed intact. I am deeply grateful for that, for my friends, my family, and all the things that bring me joy. 

Happy New Year.

The Good Things

I started this post by thinking I only did two things this year that improve my life. Then I remembered another. Then another. Then more. Quite honestly, despite the hell of 2020. I did a lot of stuff that has made my life better.

I started folding my clothes. For most of my life, I just haphazardly folded my stuff, if at all. I'd say a lot of the time, my stuff just stated in the Clean basket. Now I fold my clothes and it makes things so much better. Admittedly, I'm not as prompt about folding them as I should be. They often sit in the hallway for a bit before being folded, but they do, eventually, get folded and then put in drawers. 

Folding my clothes led to a general reorganization of my room. I culled a lot of stuff I didn't need. I cleaned things. I situated the closet and moved things to where the stuff I need the most is closest to me. 

I bought a new mattress and replaced all my pillowcases. This has made my bed an enjoyable and comfortable sleeping experience.

I have made things around me more beautiful. I got new knobs for my dresser. I put up curtains. I placed pretty things on my bookshelf and situated the books in a way that pleases me. I bought cute baskets and bottles. I made pompoms and a pillow sham. 

I started doing videos. I've written a lot about that. I'm taking a bit of time off from it while I try to ride out the end of the year, but I've loved the process of learning how to edit and produce my own videos. 

I bought a lightbox to combat my SAD. I think it's working too. I'm sleeping better and the brainwasps aren't as horrible. 

I started a monthly subscription for sheetmasks. I get four a month. It gives me something to look forward to, it helps to heal my skin, and it's not something just piling up in the house. 

I now own car slippers.  THAT'S RIGHT, people. I have comfortable slippers I wear while I'm in the car. They made the trip to Tulsa so much easier. They make all trips where I'm riding shotgun easier. They're warm and comfortable and perfect. 

So, you know, I'm not going to leave this year thinking I did nothing for my life. I did quite a few things that have made things much better for me. Some of them were simple. Some of them were time-consuming. Some of them require me to up my dedication to them a bit more. But still. They are things I did. I'm glad I did them. I'm thankful to the people who helped me do them. 

One Year Later

This time last year my roommate and I were discussing if he should try to go to the clinic or the hospital. He was very sick and had to sleep on the couch. On 12/30/19, he went into the clinic and they sent him to the hospital. I spent the night alone in the house and waited. 

By the next day, he wanted out of there. We got him home and for weeks afterward, he recovered. 

Illness and stress about illness started in my household months before Covid became the main focus of things. Since then, we've been as careful as we could be to keep ourselves healthy. I'm hoping we can both get vaccinations as soon as they are available for people on our tier of receiving them. In the meantime, we'll just try our best to remain safe. 

I had a lot of plans for the end of the year. I wanted to do some videos and write some fun things here on the blog. I'm finding that I just really can't. I'm out of my Yearspoons. I just need to ride out the rest of this and hope I'm okay.

Hoping for a Quiet Year

 I made some progress on the blanket. Not much, but enough that I'm positive about the experience. I'll be doing my pen training now and probably for an hour or so. 

It's been a quiet weekend and I'm happy for that. I hope the week is quiet and the transition into the new year is as well. I think we ALL need that. 

Day After Christmas

I decided my knitted blanket is too small and decided I would add an extra line to it. Every side will have two more inches. I think this will give it what it needs to really be a viable blanket. If not, I'll add another two past that.

Aside from that, we ate leftovers and chilled for the day. I needed a quiet day and I got it. Yay. 

I also started working with my draw tablet. I'm going to commit to really training myself to use it well. I really like it, actually. I'm glad I asked for it for Christmas.

Post Christmas Exhaustion

 So Christmas Eve was hard. Being around other people was hard. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be and I was so tired. I'm still tired. I went to bed early last night and I probably will again tonight. It was just way too much for me.

Which is kinda sad because it was just a few people. But they were so loud and so much. It was just all way too much math. 

I enjoyed the holidays but I'm glad they're overwith. I just want things to be okay. No sickness or hospitals or injuries. Just please for once a pleasant and stress-free winter. 

My Birthday

 My birthday is tomorrow. I will be 47. 

What do I want for my birthday? I am, honestly, very sincere about this. 

I want my home to be safe and secure. I want us to be healthy and stable. I want us to have a happy year. I want this, not just for my home, but all homes. I want things to get back to normal and just be OKAY again. 

Everything else just seems kinda trivial. 

Scatterbrained

I returned a book early today because I knew my focus was slipping so badly I'd never be able to finish it. I'll check it out again when the holidays are finished. Maybe I can focus then. Hopefully.

I need to make a checklist for my gifts tomorrow. I'm wrapping all the rest of the stuff and I need to make sure everything gets handled. Some gifts have more than one part to them. 

Thursday will be the responsible gift exchange. Then holiday stuff is just lowkey fun with my roommate. I'm ready for 2020 to be over, but I'm also a little scared. The first of the year can often go stressful/scary/bad for me. Maybe not 2021 though. I really hope everything is okay.

Longest Night

The longest night hosted a Grand Conjunction. We opted to not do some things today, though we did eat ice cream and that was also grand. 

Tomorrow I plan on kind of not doing much. Wednesday I have to wrap gifts and get myself ready for the gift exchange (responsibly) with my family. This is a weird holiday with weird distance rules. We'll do what we can, but everyone needs to stay safe. I do not want people getting sick this Christmas.

Past that, we'll probably have a lowkey Christmas and a lowkey New Year. That's also fine. I think everyone is tired from this year and just needs to do the festive minimum. 

I am, however, eating my blackeyed peas. 

Even Easier Sunday

I kinda did nothing today. I folded some clothes but that hardly counts as I did it really late in the evening. I talked to my friends. I avoided a phonecall. Honestly, that was about it.

So let's start the year in review.

Favorite Book

We Sold Our Souls -Grady Hendrix

I read a lot this year and I'll do a top books list later (maybe) but I have to say this was my favorite book. It's the one I just can't shake out of my brain. I think about it a lot. 

The book is from the perspective of a grown-up, and that helps tremendously. It's not that I'm against young protagonists, it's just that I'm kinda bored with youthful povs. The secondary pov is that of a younger woman, but she's still at least a grown person. Our main protagonist is a woman who has been through hell and back again. And then some. She's complex. When we meet her, she's at a very low point in her life, but a very relatable point for anyone who has ever basically failed at things. 

I don't want to say her journey from that point on is magical (even though it is) because gives it the perception of softness. Nothing about this book is soft. It's a very well done horror novel in that it weaves the horror elements into places where it's easy to doubt their existence. They could just be tricks of the light or the product of someone's deranged mind. 

This book is also a great ode to music. Former bandmates have a code they developed from (my favorite) a Runaways song. When our main characters meet, they have a long debate about what music they have in common and can finally only conclude it's Dolly Parton. Moreover, the book rests on the backbone of the 'musician seeks revenge on former evil bandmate who stole all her work.' It rests there, but it doesn't stay there. 

One of the things I always loved about Metalocalypse was how the metal would alter the reality around it. The band could basically use their music to change the world. This book is kind of the opposite. The music made by our band here is a way to unravel the lies and reveal the nasty reality of what the world really is. It can't change it so much as reveal ways to survive it. 

I seriously loved this book. It's one of the things that really got me through 2020. If you have a chance, check it out. 

Easy Saturday

I finished my video. I worked on my scarf. I screwed up my scarf, but I'mma keep the screw-up and just call it a happy accident. It's for me. The yard needs to be used. Whatever. Happy accident.

Anyway, today was pretty decent. I should have folded my clothes, but I didn't. Maybe tomorrow. 

Two Weeks

It is a week from Christmas.
It is two weeks from Jan. 1, 2021.

I do not think anyone is going to forget 2020. How could we? Almost everyone I know has lost someone this year. A lot of people's lives have forever changed for other reasons as well. It's been, for many, the weirdest and hardest year of their lives.

It hasn't been the hardest year of my life, though it certainly has been strange. I mean, I've not set foot in another person's house since February. I've seen very few people in person, and even then usually only for less than an hour and with barriers between us. I'm a lowkey hermit so I'm not that bad with all of this, but I DO feel for the extroverts. 

I guess I should try to end the year on a positive note. Off and on for the next couple of weeks, I'll talk about the good stuff I've seen/listened to/read. I'll reflect on what changes I've personally made. We'll see how it goes. 

Oh. Also. I'll be 47 in less than a week. 

Functioning

My car seems to be functioning again. Yay. This is one less stressful thing. This year does not need to be bring more stress to people. Did a Covid-safe covid visit with my best friend today. Her mask is cooler than mine. It has a little breathing filter thing on it. Kinda looks steampunk.

Now I'm home, in my happy warm house with a cat sleeping on my lap. In other words, today has been the first really good day of the week. I am very thankful for it.

Today would have been my aunt's 75th birthday. I miss her. I know my cousins and my uncle are still grieving. I wish they could spend more time together, but the rest of the stuff going on this year is making that pretty impossible. 

Two notes. 

Checklists for Christmas work really well.

Lightboxes do not work very well when it's already dark outside. 

Lookit 2020 Finally Catching up to Me

 So..........

The Car Thing was only supposed to be, at most, an hour and a half of labor. We opted to just run errands instead of going home. Seemed practical. 

The car's appointment was at 1 PM. We got home, finally, about ten til five. While at the shop, even though this was just the replacement of a door handle, the car's battery had to be jumped three times. They didn't tell us about that until this morning.

More on that further down.

Also when we picked up the car a the shop:

1. The Low Tire was on. While there (and while I had a panic attack because I knew this was going to keep going bad), my roommate (the hero of this story) had them check the tires and air them. They were a little low.

2. None of my dash information was showing up. I couldn't tell how much gas I had or the temp or anything like that. My roommate (still the hero) knows this trick to make that stuff start working again involving magnets. He did that and everything seemed fine.

It was not fine.

This morning he goes to start the car for me and the battery is dead. So I call the mechanic and they kind of casually let it drop that they had to jump the car three times yesterday. So they come and pick it up. It's still there. 

You know, the other night, I was a little panicky about the appointment. I kept trying to tell myself it was FINE and everything was going to be FINE and I was being emotional about nothing. Current Me would like to apologize to Past Panic Me on behalf of Past Everything is Fine Me who clearly knows nothing.

Sigh. 

I had plans today. I have plans tomorrow. This is bullshit. My roommate is the best.

Car Trouble

My roommate went out this morning, because he is a responsible and kind person, to start my car so it wouldn't be angry when we left a few hours later for the store. My door handle wouldn't open from the outside. 

He also kindly called and made an appointment with the mechanic. Tomorrow I will be $150 poorer, but hopefully, a functioning door handle richer. Kinda nervous about this, but mostly because last time we went in for something simple, it ended up costing us a lot of money due to a huge bunch of repairs. Uggh.

Anyway, we're edging closer to my birthday and closer to the new year. And closer to a new president. Yay to all of that.

Take care.

Snow 2020

It was supposed to snow this evening, so I took an early shower to avoid being in my cold bathroom when it was cold enough to snow. I'm glad I did. The snow started less than an hour after I got out of the shower.

The snow fell in fat, wet flakes and it was very pretty to watch. I'm deeply happy I did not have to go out in it. Hopefully, it will melt away before I DO have to go outside. The last thing I need right now is a fall. 

To cheerfully keep with the winter theme, we watched both the Charlie Brown and Grinch cartoons tonight. Ahh, how I love them! My holiday just isn't complete with them. I'm glad I saw them. Now my heart can be cheerful. 

Speaking of Peanuts, Tinkerbell has joined ranks with Linus in that she now has a favorite blanket. It's an old red throw we've had for a long time. It's her comfort blanket now. Half the time, I'm holding her like one would hold a human baby in it. She just purrs away. You know, until she decides to growl. That cat growls at me a lot. 

Anyway, overall, it was a lovely weekend. Now on to the week before Christmas. 

Quiet Saturday

I'm in a weird mood today. I should be reading and I'm not. I should be working on a video and I'm not. I might later on tomorrow, but I'm really not sure. We'll see. 

It could possibly snow tomorrow and I kind of believe that could happen. It's seriously more chilly than it has been. It was really dark today and I'm very glad I have the lightbox. It made things better.

Self Care Working

I've managed to do the light therapy for several days now. I even got in my half hour on the day we went to Tulsa. Is it working? I think so. I don't feel the annoyed waspy noises in the back of my brain right now and I've managed to stick to my exercise goals, as minute as they are. I remain hopeful?

As for my breathing, my roommate reminded me last night that I'm having to deal with a lot more darkness and humidity at the moment. Maybe the extra time with my oxygen shouldn't be as big a deal as I thought it was. 

Self-care at the moment involves holding a purring cat. It's a very cozy feeling. 

Rough Day

I'm feeling the Tulsa Trip today. My breathing is bad and everything hurts. Seriously. EVERYTHING. I'm also pretty exhausted. 

I think my breathing is going to continue to suck this winter. It's been a while. I've gotten to where I can go until past ten before I need oxygen, but lately, it's crept into me needing it soon after dark. This used to be the case, no matter what the time of year. I hate that I'm back here, but I suppose it could be worse. 

I hope I sleep better tonight.

Home Again

The day went well. We had a good time and my roommate's appointment went well. Tulsa was weird though. A lot of emptiness I've never seen there. Open parking spaces. Lots of open slots at the gas station. So strange.

I'm tired. This will be a short post. But we're home and I'm grateful. 

Tulsa Bound

 I still can't make the top of my hat work. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that. We'll see if I can find a solution. I may not. It may go back to just being ear warmers. Honestly, that's fine.

Tomorrow we're headed to Tulsa. My roommate has an appointment. I'm a little wary of going, but we're taking serious precautions to make sure we don't get sick. Still, it worries me. 

I need to start on my next video. I may do a little of that tonight. I'm not sure yet. I think I'll be in a better headspace about it when we get back.

Focus

My focus is so bad right now. I hate paying attention to anything. My brain rebels so badly against it. It's really frustrating. 

Last night I was trying to plot out the end of my hat in my head. It took me two hours to work through it. Not because it was complicated, but because 

Me: Okay, so I have 32 stitches
Brain: LET'S REVIEW EVERYTHING WE LIKED ABOUT BIG MOUTH SEASON FOUR RIGHT NOW!
Me: Shut up. So 32 means 8--
Brain: Hey! HEY! HEY!HEY! You know what you liked in 4th grade! HawkMistress! LET'S REMEMBER EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT BOOK RIGHT NOW!

That was basically those two hours. And honestly, I've had to force myself to even finish this post. Now I'm going to try and work on that hat.

Seeing the Light

I have Seasonal Affect Disorder. This year, I'm trying my best to combat it. I bought a Light Box in hopes that I could use it daily to help counteract the darkness. Oddly that isn't some goth metaphor here. It's literally to help me deal with being in the darker time of the year. 

I sat with the box shining on me for about half an hour. The instructions said not to do it for longer than that. It was pretty neat. I think I've been in a better mood since then, but as it's the first day, that could just be a placebo. 

I'll keep you informed on my progress. 

Ruining it for Everyone

So three monoliths have appeared randomly in different places around the world. Two of them mysteriously disappeared. The third was vandalized because people are complete assholes.

That's right. Whatever person or people were responsible for adding a little mystery and fun into the world during a rather bleak time had their plan derailed by some alt-right Qanon jerks. It seems these bastards decided to drive for five hours to find the latest monolith, rip it down, and replace it with a cross. Because Christ is King. And no one else gets to have something erected it seems. Pun intended. 

These assholes videoed the whole thing and chanted 'America first' and 'Christ is King' as they vandalized the art installation. I guess it's too much to ask that other people have a little mystery and fun in their lives. 

This is so annoying.

First of the Month Bills

We started our bill paying for the last time in 2020. What a freaky, twisted year this has been. It wasn't all bad, but it had a lot of scary moments. I don't know anyone who will be the same after this year. 

Right now I'm working on a hat. I decided I didn't like the design and started part of it over. Aside from that and cat placation, I've not done much today. Then again, I didn't feel that great. Allergies are still messing with me. 

More Death

A Facebook friend who lives in my area lost her aunt and uncle within 24 hours of each other. Both died of Covid. Now another family will be facing loss over the holidays. Another family will have to come up with the funds to bury two people. Another family will face life without the people they loved.

I've read this same post several times now. People are losing a lot in this. People are losing whole definitions of what made them a family. This is horrible. It needs to stop. 

December Again

I uploaded a holiday video. It will be out tomorrow around noon. I tried to do a sheet mask today and it was so very, very cold. Not fun at all. Later I masked my hair. That worked better. 

I'm holding a cat wrapped in a blanket right now. The cat is insisting on being held like a human baby. I'm okay with this. 

We've had fewer Covid cases in the last few days. Maybe people are finally starting to get the hint that you need to wear masks, social distance, etc. Maybe. We'll see.