Right now the house is confusing and stressful and there seems to be no end to what needs to happen. The excitement of "Oh this looks so much better" and "OH! I'll be able to function so well with things like this!" has been replaced by "there is no end to this fucking mess of a house and I will never know a moment's peace ever because this just can't get clean." You know the statement isn't true, but that's how you feel as you notice that ONE more thing that needs to be sorted and that ONE MORE BOX that has to be moved.
I think this is a good example of what it's like with most projects of improvement. It's not that we don't have good intentions and it's not that we get off to a bad start. Starting is fine. The first several days are great. But then it starts to wear on you.
It's like when you lose that first five pounds and feel this total surge of happiness and strength. You're pretty convinced you can lose all of that weight and there will be no problems at all. You wonder why you never lost it before and why this is so difficult for people.
A couple of weeks later, when the weight isn't coming off as fast and if you eat one more bit of healthy food you will puke, when you notice you have sores on your feet and you suspect your hair is falling, well, this is when it gets rough. It suddenly hits you that this isn't some diet you can wait out for a month or so. This is forever. This is your life now. The whole process becomes depressing and you just want to quit.
See, I don't really think it's the want for cheeseburgers and cake that knock people off diets. It's the spiritual exhaustion over the idea that this is how your life will be from now on. If the major fun you've had in your life has revolved around food, you suddenly suspect you may never know another moment of real happiness. Because of this, because of all of it, you quit.
I think from now on, whenever I am disheartened about the weight loss situation, I'm going to make myself think about the house in process of being organized. I'm going to tell myself that if I wouldn't just give up and leave the house in a total mess, I really can't give up and just leave my body in a total mess either. With house cleaning, it HAS to be done or things just get horrible, dangerous, and with a strong potential for death. I remind myself of Grey Gardens and talk about how that isn't how I would want to live . . . and it shouldn't be how I allow my body to live.
I'll also think about pacing. One of the reasons people get exhausted in the middle is because they start pushing harder than they should. My roommate and I promised ourselves we'd just work on things for ten minutes at a time. It's gotten way longer than that. Yes, some things have to happen very quickly so the process can move forward. But it doesn't all have to be done in a day.
The same can go for weight loss. Make changes as you can handle them being made. Make changes when you know you are ready for a new one. Pace yourself on the workouts. If you haven't moved your ass from the couch in ten years, don't expect to jump up and run a marathon next month. Certainly don't try and force yourself to do so. Bring movement back into your life at a steady pace.
The biggest reason I can push past the organization soul sucking is that whenever I get really discouraged about it, I take some time to look at what we've already accomplished. I stare at the space gained in my room. I smirk to myself about how easy it is to get my clothes out of the laundry basket. These moments of relived victory make it so much easier to face the daunting days and weeks that are to follow.
I want to do the same with weight loss. I need to remember to celebrate each clothing size I lose. I need to really think about how much easier it is to do certain tasks, how little pain I am in compared to when I was heavier. I need to enjoy the freedom I gain and appreciate the days I can go without stomach problems.
Any project that requires a lot of your time and effort is going to have its rough patches. In some cases, it may seem like an impossible task, especially the longer you are into it. Instead of focusing on all the things left to do, think about what you've accomplished already. Take joy in all of it, because that positive feeling of joy will keep you going forward. Most of all, keep telling yourself that you WILL accomplish your goals. It may require a lot of work. It may require some sacrifice and lead to a lot of exhaustion, but in the end, it will be worth it. Even if it takes you years to accomplish your goal.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Organizational Bliss of Maturity
One of the reoccurring themes when one is reading about frugality is that it is very important to be organized. House organized, paperwork organized, clothing organized, everything organized. For those who are not organized, this sounds like bullshit and effort. It also sounds like bullshit that isn't worth the effort.
When I was younger, I kind of prided myself on disorganization . . . mostly because I didn't believe I could live any other way. I didn't care if clothes were put up or dishes washed or floors were clean. I didn't see the point (unless things were getting to the point of unsanitary) and didn't want to go through the trouble. If anything has changed about my life for the better, it is that I now completely believe in living in an organized environment.
I don't always accomplish this, but it is what I want. I also believe, as the frugal experts state, that organization is one of the foundations to living a less expensive life.
For one thing, when you value tidiness, everything that you bring into your home needs a designated place of occupation. This should be a rule. Nothing comes into the house unless it has a place. When you have storage space, this rule is pretty easy. When your potential storage areas are full, this rule becomes a little more complex. You can't bring anything new in unless you get rid of something else. Every purchase is now weighed against what you already have. So instead of just analyzing if this is something you can afford, you also have to justify the space it will occupy.
Being organized also allows you to have a running inventory in your head of what you already own. When you're disorganized, you lose stuff. You misplace it and forget where you put it. Sometimes you forget you bought it in the first place. This is why I currently have to almost full bottles of nail polish remover. It also explains why we just bought strips of velcro when we had an unopened package in a storage box. When you have no idea what you own and where it is, you'll keep buying replacements for it. Needless money spent.
Most importantly, in a culture where time is money, being organized saves you time. You KNOW where the wrapping paper is. You KNOW where the tool to fix the whatever is. You know where the light bulbs are stashed. When things have designated spots, putting them away is easy. The soulsucking task of putting away my clean laundry has gone from over ten minutes to less than two. If I need to look at my bank statement from June of 2009, I know where it is. No rushing around, no frantics, no stress.
I'm pretty sure if 18 yr old me was reading this, she'd laugh her ass off. She'd be shocked at how practical and mature I've become in my thinking (if not always in my actions) where proper placement of all things is concerned. She'd see this as a total waste of time and think it really sad that I ended up so OCD.
Then again, she couldn't find her shoes. I win.
When I was younger, I kind of prided myself on disorganization . . . mostly because I didn't believe I could live any other way. I didn't care if clothes were put up or dishes washed or floors were clean. I didn't see the point (unless things were getting to the point of unsanitary) and didn't want to go through the trouble. If anything has changed about my life for the better, it is that I now completely believe in living in an organized environment.
I don't always accomplish this, but it is what I want. I also believe, as the frugal experts state, that organization is one of the foundations to living a less expensive life.
For one thing, when you value tidiness, everything that you bring into your home needs a designated place of occupation. This should be a rule. Nothing comes into the house unless it has a place. When you have storage space, this rule is pretty easy. When your potential storage areas are full, this rule becomes a little more complex. You can't bring anything new in unless you get rid of something else. Every purchase is now weighed against what you already have. So instead of just analyzing if this is something you can afford, you also have to justify the space it will occupy.
Being organized also allows you to have a running inventory in your head of what you already own. When you're disorganized, you lose stuff. You misplace it and forget where you put it. Sometimes you forget you bought it in the first place. This is why I currently have to almost full bottles of nail polish remover. It also explains why we just bought strips of velcro when we had an unopened package in a storage box. When you have no idea what you own and where it is, you'll keep buying replacements for it. Needless money spent.
Most importantly, in a culture where time is money, being organized saves you time. You KNOW where the wrapping paper is. You KNOW where the tool to fix the whatever is. You know where the light bulbs are stashed. When things have designated spots, putting them away is easy. The soulsucking task of putting away my clean laundry has gone from over ten minutes to less than two. If I need to look at my bank statement from June of 2009, I know where it is. No rushing around, no frantics, no stress.
I'm pretty sure if 18 yr old me was reading this, she'd laugh her ass off. She'd be shocked at how practical and mature I've become in my thinking (if not always in my actions) where proper placement of all things is concerned. She'd see this as a total waste of time and think it really sad that I ended up so OCD.
Then again, she couldn't find her shoes. I win.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Philosophy of Inner Drives: Preservation vs. Freedom
When I was a kid, one of my favorite stories in the Bible was the one about how God would give the Children of Israel manna to eat. Manna would rain from the sky and it would sustain them. The thing is, at the end of the day, if you tried to keep any of it in storage, it would rot. While one could argue this was creating a kind of dependence on God . . . the conventional theory is that it was trying to show people they could have faith.
The concept of something that appears in the morning but can't be kept goes so contrary to how we view life these days. Something so transient, based on just a long shot that it will show up again, has very little value in our culture. It's not enough for us to have something with us right now. We want to know it will be there tomorrow, when we wake up. We want to know it will last.
The problem is, as much as we want to believe having a nice store of things will keep us more secure (and in many cases, it will), it also burdens us. Instead of being free to move along with a light load, we're suddenly weighted down by all this stuff we're carrying just to make sure we have enough.
This plays out a lot on many beginning episodes of Survivor. The contestants are given a huge bunch of supplies and told they can take whatever they want . . . but only the group that gets to their camp first will be allowed to keep what they carried. Suddenly the groups have to make a value judgement on what items are worth their weight. Almost always, there is one team that will pick up a lot of stuff and start trudging along with it. Also almost always, this team loses.
Of all of the inner drives we possess, I have to say I dislike preservation the most. This is part because of my own inner preservation demons. I keep stuffing my face to make sure I don't starve. Any even small feeling of hunger begins this cycle of panic in me. I know it's insane. I know it's not helping me. It's also almost impossible to resist. My inner drive of preservation is out of whack. But really, I think most people have the same problem.
When you are standing on the beach with your tribe and looking at all the stuff you can take with you to camp, it's almost like this kind of madness takes hold. You can get so much stuff! It will last and help the tribe and you'll win and who cares how heavy it is! Every item you discard probably sparks some small inner panic that builds and builds until you're sure you'll all starve within hours.
But if we can curb our inner need, really, this inner fear that preservation can't be achieved, we will begin to look at the problem with clarity. Take the tools. Take what you can use to help find food. Take nets because they're light. Take the things that aren't so heavy.
And if this means you won't have any food when you get there? It's okay. They won't let you starve. This is a reality show. If a tribe starves, it's bad PR. Something will help you find food. You'll be okay.
As much as we want to hold on to all the stuff in our lives, there is such freedom in letting it go. This is where the faith comes in. If you have religion, it's faith in your deity. If you don't, it's faith in yourself. Which ever the case, having the security that it will be alright no matter how little you have is a very secure feeling.
I have some friends who once told me they have no problem with the idea of selling everything they own and just moving away. They know they'll be okay. They know they'll find work. They aren't so deeply driven by their sense of preservation that they have to keep a lot of things around them to feel secure. They know that even if times get hard, they can adjust.
To me, living like this sounds scary as hell. It also sounds blissfully free.
The concept of something that appears in the morning but can't be kept goes so contrary to how we view life these days. Something so transient, based on just a long shot that it will show up again, has very little value in our culture. It's not enough for us to have something with us right now. We want to know it will be there tomorrow, when we wake up. We want to know it will last.
The problem is, as much as we want to believe having a nice store of things will keep us more secure (and in many cases, it will), it also burdens us. Instead of being free to move along with a light load, we're suddenly weighted down by all this stuff we're carrying just to make sure we have enough.
This plays out a lot on many beginning episodes of Survivor. The contestants are given a huge bunch of supplies and told they can take whatever they want . . . but only the group that gets to their camp first will be allowed to keep what they carried. Suddenly the groups have to make a value judgement on what items are worth their weight. Almost always, there is one team that will pick up a lot of stuff and start trudging along with it. Also almost always, this team loses.
Of all of the inner drives we possess, I have to say I dislike preservation the most. This is part because of my own inner preservation demons. I keep stuffing my face to make sure I don't starve. Any even small feeling of hunger begins this cycle of panic in me. I know it's insane. I know it's not helping me. It's also almost impossible to resist. My inner drive of preservation is out of whack. But really, I think most people have the same problem.
When you are standing on the beach with your tribe and looking at all the stuff you can take with you to camp, it's almost like this kind of madness takes hold. You can get so much stuff! It will last and help the tribe and you'll win and who cares how heavy it is! Every item you discard probably sparks some small inner panic that builds and builds until you're sure you'll all starve within hours.
But if we can curb our inner need, really, this inner fear that preservation can't be achieved, we will begin to look at the problem with clarity. Take the tools. Take what you can use to help find food. Take nets because they're light. Take the things that aren't so heavy.
And if this means you won't have any food when you get there? It's okay. They won't let you starve. This is a reality show. If a tribe starves, it's bad PR. Something will help you find food. You'll be okay.
As much as we want to hold on to all the stuff in our lives, there is such freedom in letting it go. This is where the faith comes in. If you have religion, it's faith in your deity. If you don't, it's faith in yourself. Which ever the case, having the security that it will be alright no matter how little you have is a very secure feeling.
I have some friends who once told me they have no problem with the idea of selling everything they own and just moving away. They know they'll be okay. They know they'll find work. They aren't so deeply driven by their sense of preservation that they have to keep a lot of things around them to feel secure. They know that even if times get hard, they can adjust.
To me, living like this sounds scary as hell. It also sounds blissfully free.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Change for the Bad
Grrrrrr!! They just upgraded Blogger to this fuckery that I don't like. It's this horrible thing that wants to link Google+ with my blog. I do not want this! I like keeping this separated. I know I'll get used to it, but how I loathe these things.
I like my blog being my private space where I talk about things that involve me and only those I choose to see it, not to everyone in the whole world (okay, the fifteen people in Google+). This is my blog and if it goes more public than it is, I'm really pretty sure I'll have to find another blogging format. I hate this because it means my ten or so followers will have to switch as well and I'll loose all the ties to my older blog.
This annoys me because it totally wasn't what I planned on blogging about tonight. I had happy, positive sunshine things to talk about. Not this. Grrr again!
I like my blog being my private space where I talk about things that involve me and only those I choose to see it, not to everyone in the whole world (okay, the fifteen people in Google+). This is my blog and if it goes more public than it is, I'm really pretty sure I'll have to find another blogging format. I hate this because it means my ten or so followers will have to switch as well and I'll loose all the ties to my older blog.
This annoys me because it totally wasn't what I planned on blogging about tonight. I had happy, positive sunshine things to talk about. Not this. Grrr again!
Monday, March 26, 2012
Dust Monsters
This isn't going to be a long or profound post. I'm achy and tired and the day has been full of dust and stress. The house is progressing to a cleaner, better working version of itself and we have many plans to make it even more so. However, at this moment, I still feel very choked by the dust around me and I need to give my brain a break.
I can safely say I'll sleep in a cleaner, less dusty room tonight. That makes me very happy.
I can safely say I'll sleep in a cleaner, less dusty room tonight. That makes me very happy.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Rearranging the Rooms
As a child, I spent many years living with my grandparents. I like to blame this fact on anything a perceive as a hoarder tendency. It's not exactly their fault they were that way. There was this kind of generational PTSD for people who were children during the Depression. Save everything because you never know when you might need it again. In moderation, this isn't so bad. No need to be wasteful. Out of moderation . . . well, you get my grandmother having over 200 pair of shoes.
Like many people, I have several sizes of clothing. I have the ones I wear now and the ones I don't fit into anymore. Actually, I have ones I never fit into because Gran would always buy clothes that didn't fit me as some kind of twisted inspiration to lose weight. What was up with that?
Along with the Can't-Fit-Ass-Into-It clothing, I have professional clothing I just don't need right now because, well, you know. No professional activities. Anyway, all of this clothing has been occupying my dressers and never being worn or even seen. Because of this, all the clothes I do wear ended up living in some laundry baskets and a set of plastic office drawers. It was organized, but tacky and on the floor.
My roommate and I are going through a Spring clean/reorganize the house kind of thing. We do this every three years or so, as a way to cull crap out of the house we're not using and try to solve problems in item placement. You know how it goes. There are always things in the house that never go where they should. You keep telling yourself they'll get put up, but they don't. Instead of finding fault in yourself and laziness, just accept that the placement isn't working for you and find a new one. Trust me. It really does help.
We decided we were tired of so many uneven, rickety bookshelves dominating the living room. We talked about alternative placement for them, but just couldn't find anything viable. All the possible spaces were otherwise occupied. It was frustrating because we are both to the point where we'd really like to have a cleaner, less cluttered living area. As much as we brainstormed, we just couldn't find a solution.
Until, that is, I realized I could move the bookshelf into my room if I got rid of the clean clothes baskets. The best way to do this was to put the clothes I wasn't wearing into real storage.
Writing it now, I'm shocked I didn't realize this before. The baskets have always been a headache. I had to line them with garbage bags to keep the cats out of them so that fleas and cat puke couldn't come into contact with my clothes. Because this was annoying, it was like pulling teeth to get me to actually put them away. So my dirty clothes baskets ended up holding my clean clothes instead of the baskets they were supposed to be in. Yeah, this is sounding more insane by the word.
Anyway, I cleared out the unused clothing and repopulated my dressers with things I actually wear. I took the office storage tower that held my underthings and am now using it as storage for my hairdryer and stuff. Everything in my room is going to be so much more accessible.
I know I've mentioned this before, but if you're feeling cramped in a room, if you can find a way to even gain a line of space an inch wide, the room will feel huge to you. Every little bit of space you can reclaim makes it larger, easier, happier. Minor changes can make you feel so much better about the whole thing.
I think the point is that if you find yourself in constant conflict with a part of your life and solutions seem impossible, step back and examine the problem from a wider angle. Maybe you can't fix it because of the parameters you have. . . . but can you change one of those in a way that can make it fixable? We couldn't think of a place to move the bookshelf because I didn't allow myself to consider the place where my clothes lived as a possibility. Once I was able to see how I could change it, the possibilities opened up for us, and now the whole house has the potential to get a lot easier to handle.
The next time you find yourself needing to problem solve and see no options, begin to examine the barriers keeping you from your options. Do any of those have potential for change? If not, do any of the barriers surrounding those have it? Once you can find the places for alterations, who knows what you can accomplish!
Along with the Can't-Fit-Ass-Into-It clothing, I have professional clothing I just don't need right now because, well, you know. No professional activities. Anyway, all of this clothing has been occupying my dressers and never being worn or even seen. Because of this, all the clothes I do wear ended up living in some laundry baskets and a set of plastic office drawers. It was organized, but tacky and on the floor.
My roommate and I are going through a Spring clean/reorganize the house kind of thing. We do this every three years or so, as a way to cull crap out of the house we're not using and try to solve problems in item placement. You know how it goes. There are always things in the house that never go where they should. You keep telling yourself they'll get put up, but they don't. Instead of finding fault in yourself and laziness, just accept that the placement isn't working for you and find a new one. Trust me. It really does help.
We decided we were tired of so many uneven, rickety bookshelves dominating the living room. We talked about alternative placement for them, but just couldn't find anything viable. All the possible spaces were otherwise occupied. It was frustrating because we are both to the point where we'd really like to have a cleaner, less cluttered living area. As much as we brainstormed, we just couldn't find a solution.
Until, that is, I realized I could move the bookshelf into my room if I got rid of the clean clothes baskets. The best way to do this was to put the clothes I wasn't wearing into real storage.
Writing it now, I'm shocked I didn't realize this before. The baskets have always been a headache. I had to line them with garbage bags to keep the cats out of them so that fleas and cat puke couldn't come into contact with my clothes. Because this was annoying, it was like pulling teeth to get me to actually put them away. So my dirty clothes baskets ended up holding my clean clothes instead of the baskets they were supposed to be in. Yeah, this is sounding more insane by the word.
Anyway, I cleared out the unused clothing and repopulated my dressers with things I actually wear. I took the office storage tower that held my underthings and am now using it as storage for my hairdryer and stuff. Everything in my room is going to be so much more accessible.
I know I've mentioned this before, but if you're feeling cramped in a room, if you can find a way to even gain a line of space an inch wide, the room will feel huge to you. Every little bit of space you can reclaim makes it larger, easier, happier. Minor changes can make you feel so much better about the whole thing.
I think the point is that if you find yourself in constant conflict with a part of your life and solutions seem impossible, step back and examine the problem from a wider angle. Maybe you can't fix it because of the parameters you have. . . . but can you change one of those in a way that can make it fixable? We couldn't think of a place to move the bookshelf because I didn't allow myself to consider the place where my clothes lived as a possibility. Once I was able to see how I could change it, the possibilities opened up for us, and now the whole house has the potential to get a lot easier to handle.
The next time you find yourself needing to problem solve and see no options, begin to examine the barriers keeping you from your options. Do any of those have potential for change? If not, do any of the barriers surrounding those have it? Once you can find the places for alterations, who knows what you can accomplish!
Friday, March 23, 2012
The Public Discussion of my Cooter
However, the impression that I'm getting, indeed, the impression many are getting, is that when it comes down to it, these politicians and religious leaders and other various sorts mostly want the bodies of women to be considered a public domain. They want to be able to decide what happens to a woman, what steps are taken, and what paths are opened during what are deeply emotional, personal, and private moments. They want the public to be able to dictate if a woman can prevent pregnancy, terminate pregnancy, and decide how her life and the potential lives of those she would be responsible for will happen.
I'm not going to argue abortion here because I really do not believe this is about abortion. If these law makers and others wished to stop abortion they could . . . and all without ever making it illegal. They could make pregnancy safer. They could make access to birth control easier. They could educate people about how pregnancy happens (believe me, some people have some deeply stupid ideas about this) and how it could be prevented. They could alter the adoption laws to make adoption more affordable and easy. They could promote OBGYN research to make pregnancy safer, make childbirth safer, and make it all more affordable. If they truly, truly care about the babies, they would do these things and the rate of abortions would drop.
Instead, it seems like our law makers are trying to do the opposite of all of this. The laws they propose will not stop abortions. They actually promote them.
They want to make women have ultrasounds before being allowed abortions. This will not stop abortion. In fact, if someone has to go through the humiliation and invasive hell of the ultrasound, they'll probably be even more determined to abort the baby. Why go through all that crap just to back out?
Some states want to ban birth control pills. They believe this whawha about how birth control pills kill babies. If this happens, it is very rare. What the pill mostly does prevent pregnancy. No pregnancy, no abortion. In other states, they want to allow religious employers from having to pay for their workers' birth control pills. Oh, yes, that is just awesome. Pass laws that allow religious employers to make decisions about people's health based on their beliefs. This is going to be so lovely when religious people who don't believe in medicine at all refuse to cover their employees or when they refuse to cover their employees' children because they believe medicine of any kind corrupts children.
Other states wish to pass laws that would force women to carry babies to term even if they are already dead. Yes, that's right. They want you to keep a dead, rotting thing inside you until it passes on its own....assuming it will. While this law may not promote abortion, I can certainly see where it will promote women being horrified over this they refuse to ever get pregnant at all. It certainly freaks me out to no end.
The truth is though, none of these laws are about preventing abortion. These laws are designed to control women, control their bodies, and keep them from being seen as rational, reasonable people who are able to make decisions about their own lives. In the same way that a lot of heterosexual porn is built on the concept of the woman granting (or the man simply taking) more and more access to her body, these laws seek to remove personal autonomy and replace it with public policy. Your vagina is not your own. Your vagina is controlled by the Will of the state.
Now I ask you this . . . even if you are against abortion, are you truly willing to allow the State that much power? Are you really willing to let go of your own rights to control your body and allow public opinion to decide this for you? To me, when the government decides it can have a say about your choice to have a child or not, it is getting very close to having the power to decide if you can have a child AT ALL.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
TMNTWTF?
You know, just the other day I complained about Michael Bay and his need to destroy things beloved by others. As if he heard me, he decided to do it again. He's taking TNMT and turning it into some horrible Michael Bay fuckery that he thinks will be awesome but will just end up sucking the caked up pus off the festering sores of a filthy giant's balls.
How does this stuff even happen? Do movie execs get together, knock themselves in the head with cast iron skillets and then say things like, "Well, everyone hated his last movies, so why not let him destroy new things?" Did he sell his soul to the Devil? If so, does this mean the Devil is deeply lame or incredibly cruel? Both?
Michael Bay has already stated the ninja turtles will be aliens. So I'm guessing this makes them Teenage Mutant Ninja Aliens? Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles? Though, my guess is that they won't be teenagers and probably won't be ninja. So really, it's just Aliens. Probably who explode. Or cause explosions.
Wait, I'm not being logical about this. Okay. This is my prediction for the Michael Bay Teenage Alien Mutant Ninja Alien movie.
So the movie will really be about some hapless geek boy who is in love with a girl who has a really great body. We see the body and possibly the girl's face. The girl will be very cliched and typical pretty, with this one quirk that just happens to be something that she either has in common with Hapless Geek Boy or something that will draw them together once the aliens land.
Somehow the government will be involved. Some scientist will say stuff and no one in the government will believe them. The scientist will either already be friends with Hapless Geek Boy or they will become so. The scientist will also either be an attractive woman who is thinly masked as bookish OR it will be male with an assistant who is an attractive woman thinly masked as bookish.
Hapless Geek Boy will meet one or all of the Turtle Aliens. He'll be the only person they trust and there will be shenanigans where he tries to hide them from others. Somehow the Hot Girl will get involved in his Alien Turtle secret.
At this point, things will stop making any sense at all, but this will be covered up by a lot of battles, fast music, and explosions. The Hot Girl will bounce around and somehow decide she loves Hapless Geek Boy. In an unrelated note, the government will show up. More explosions will happen. Hapless Geek Boy will do . . . something . . . that saves the day. You will know when he is doing this because he will run and look very serious while explosions happen around him.
When the explosions stop, everyone will be in a circle around Hapless Geek Boy. The Aliens will smile at him, as will the government works and the scientist. They won't smile in groups either. It will be one smiling at him, then the next. Once all the smiling is over, the Hot Chick will kiss him again. Soon after this, the credits will begin to roll.
And . . . the movie will make a lot of money because everyone will go to see it and tell themselves that Michael Bay couldn't screw it up so badly, not again. Surely, not again. After all, there are only so many times you can do that kind of thing to a movie before they just drag you away and throw you in a dungeon, right? Right?
*sighs*
How does this stuff even happen? Do movie execs get together, knock themselves in the head with cast iron skillets and then say things like, "Well, everyone hated his last movies, so why not let him destroy new things?" Did he sell his soul to the Devil? If so, does this mean the Devil is deeply lame or incredibly cruel? Both?
Michael Bay has already stated the ninja turtles will be aliens. So I'm guessing this makes them Teenage Mutant Ninja Aliens? Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles? Though, my guess is that they won't be teenagers and probably won't be ninja. So really, it's just Aliens. Probably who explode. Or cause explosions.
Wait, I'm not being logical about this. Okay. This is my prediction for the Michael Bay Teenage Alien Mutant Ninja Alien movie.
So the movie will really be about some hapless geek boy who is in love with a girl who has a really great body. We see the body and possibly the girl's face. The girl will be very cliched and typical pretty, with this one quirk that just happens to be something that she either has in common with Hapless Geek Boy or something that will draw them together once the aliens land.
Somehow the government will be involved. Some scientist will say stuff and no one in the government will believe them. The scientist will either already be friends with Hapless Geek Boy or they will become so. The scientist will also either be an attractive woman who is thinly masked as bookish OR it will be male with an assistant who is an attractive woman thinly masked as bookish.
Hapless Geek Boy will meet one or all of the Turtle Aliens. He'll be the only person they trust and there will be shenanigans where he tries to hide them from others. Somehow the Hot Girl will get involved in his Alien Turtle secret.
At this point, things will stop making any sense at all, but this will be covered up by a lot of battles, fast music, and explosions. The Hot Girl will bounce around and somehow decide she loves Hapless Geek Boy. In an unrelated note, the government will show up. More explosions will happen. Hapless Geek Boy will do . . . something . . . that saves the day. You will know when he is doing this because he will run and look very serious while explosions happen around him.
When the explosions stop, everyone will be in a circle around Hapless Geek Boy. The Aliens will smile at him, as will the government works and the scientist. They won't smile in groups either. It will be one smiling at him, then the next. Once all the smiling is over, the Hot Chick will kiss him again. Soon after this, the credits will begin to roll.
And . . . the movie will make a lot of money because everyone will go to see it and tell themselves that Michael Bay couldn't screw it up so badly, not again. Surely, not again. After all, there are only so many times you can do that kind of thing to a movie before they just drag you away and throw you in a dungeon, right? Right?
*sighs*
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Cat Wars
I have no idea what has gotten into the cats of late, but they have been, collectively, total assholes. As usual, when they sleep, they're not so bad. It's those 3 hours of awake time that are making them difficult.
Mind you, I type this with a cat draped over my arm and sitting on my keyboard tray. I keep moving her and she keeps coming back. I tried using the flea comb on her as a deterrent . . . she stayed. I tried spraying her . . . she went away, but came back. Every time I try to move my mouse, she digs her claws into my hand.
Digging in claws seems to be a theme lately. The boy cat has lodged a claw into my leg at least five times in the last two days. Earlier this week, he sunk all ten front claws into my foot when he missed a jump. Clumsy bastard. He's also been sleeping on one of my tables and knocking everything off of it. I'm still missing a couple of things that have fallen into the Dark Zone under my chair.
Last night my roommate was woken up by one of the cats knocking everything off of the kitchen counters, including the water bowl of Alice. And no, it wasn't Alice doing these things. We know this for a fact because when Alice falls asleep, she power sleeps for hours on end. Everything that cat does is deeply serious. Serious sleep. Serious eating. Serious sips of water.
As for the other three indoor kots and koshkas, there seems to be some bizarre contest to see who can erupt with the most bodily functions in inappropriate places. When they're not hairballing, they're flicking fleas on us, meowing at the top of their lungs, or licking plastic. Seriously, little bastards, stop!
Oh and lovely. The one on my hand just decided my typing was disturbing her and jumped down, taking my keyboard with her . . .
Mind you, I type this with a cat draped over my arm and sitting on my keyboard tray. I keep moving her and she keeps coming back. I tried using the flea comb on her as a deterrent . . . she stayed. I tried spraying her . . . she went away, but came back. Every time I try to move my mouse, she digs her claws into my hand.
Digging in claws seems to be a theme lately. The boy cat has lodged a claw into my leg at least five times in the last two days. Earlier this week, he sunk all ten front claws into my foot when he missed a jump. Clumsy bastard. He's also been sleeping on one of my tables and knocking everything off of it. I'm still missing a couple of things that have fallen into the Dark Zone under my chair.
Last night my roommate was woken up by one of the cats knocking everything off of the kitchen counters, including the water bowl of Alice. And no, it wasn't Alice doing these things. We know this for a fact because when Alice falls asleep, she power sleeps for hours on end. Everything that cat does is deeply serious. Serious sleep. Serious eating. Serious sips of water.
As for the other three indoor kots and koshkas, there seems to be some bizarre contest to see who can erupt with the most bodily functions in inappropriate places. When they're not hairballing, they're flicking fleas on us, meowing at the top of their lungs, or licking plastic. Seriously, little bastards, stop!
Oh and lovely. The one on my hand just decided my typing was disturbing her and jumped down, taking my keyboard with her . . .
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Philosophy of Inner Drives: The Problem with Creation out of Control
There is this old episode of Dexter's Lab where he somehow wanders into the very depths of the lab and comes across some of his old inventions. We go into this flash back of him holding up each of the items around him and proclaiming, "This is my greatest invention EVER!" After this exclamation of awe, he cast each item aside and move on to the next invention, which would be his best, ever. Needless to say, the discarded inventions are pissed.
Like with any motivating drive, the need to create, while very important, can be taken to extremes. When we allow our drive to create to run unchecked, we can cause a lot of messes, hurt others, ourselves, and end up finding ourselves functioning, instead, as a force of destruction.
Creation comes at a cost. It takes resources. We cannot (most of us, anyway) create something from nothing. Any time we are creating, we are using up resources from one place or another. Every dress takes material, thread, time, energy. Every baby takes time and the physical resources of the mother. Each piece of art takes mental preparation, materials, time, space, and energy.
This isn't really a bad thing so long as we keep it in mind. We cannot hold ourselves above the reality of creation. It takes from us and from the world around us. If our creation will be an improvement on things, then it is, of course, perfectly well and good to create. If our creation will not contribute in some manner that justifies the resources it used, then we should think about limiting our creation.
Of course, much of this is based on our own judgement. The benefit received from creation is very subjective. Some people may view wasting paper to shape it into folded origami to be a waste of time. Others find origami to be a wonderful form of both art and relaxation.
Even with ample resources, our creative drive should still be tempered. When we create, it should be for a purpose. Again, this is very subjective. I guess I would say it doesn't matter so much what your purpose is, so long as you have one. It's also important that you give this consideration to each act of creation.
As I have mentioned before, I knit. I tend to knit a lot of hats, of which I wear about . . . well, two or three. The rest of them sit around, waiting to be worn or to be unwound and knitted into something else. Honestly, I shouldn't have that waiting pile. If I'm not wearing the hat, I should unravel it and use the yarn resource for something else. Even if the yarn is busted, I can use it for practicing techniques I've yet to master. However, like with Dexter's "greatest inventions ever," to simply knit and knit and knit with no real purpose is an abuse of creation.
It isn't just the wasting of resources that makes this important. Creation comes at a cost, but it also comes with responsibilities. When we create or facilitate creation, we are assuming an obligation for what we create. It is in the world because of us, our actions, our desires, our use of resources. Because of this, we have a certain responsibility to this creation and to what becomes of it, what it becomes.
As I've been really into using animation as examples of this, I'll reference My Dog Tulip. We spend a great deal of the movie dealing with our narrator trying to get his dog bred. Several attempts are made to find her a mate, almost all of which end in disaster. However, the narrator continues, over and over again, to make this happen. He calls people, meets with them, has the dog over to their house. He meets other people. He travels to stay with his sister, all because he wants his dog to have puppies. A great deal of time and effort, gas, money, and other resources go towards his drive for creation.
When the puppies are born, he freaks out and realizes he can't handle them. He actually considers drowning them. Even though he doesn't go through with that, he still admits that he "didn't do right" in finding good lives for them. He just gives them away to whomever and never gives them another thought. All of that effort put into creation, and then so little responsibility given to what he ends up creating.
If you create something, you are responsible for it. If it is something like a meal or a hat, that responsibility isn't so huge. If that creation is another person, then your commitments are long term and very serious. We should never create another life unless we are fully prepared to take on the obligations this entails. Creation is primary and it is fundamental to who and what we are, but it is also very, very serious.
We're powerful beings. We can use the most minute of things, the most unassuming materials, and create things that can inspire generations so far removed from ours we can't even fathom them. We can clothe ourselves to keep warm, we can make meals that people crave for years past when they consumed the meal, and we can create new little humans who have our eyes or our smile.
The point of being powerful, however, is that you learn to use your power in a responsible manner. You make decisions about what you will create. You decide if it is worst the cost. You decide if it is needed. Most importantly, you decide if you are prepared to handle what having this creation in existence will mean for you and for the creation. Use your power wisely.
Like with any motivating drive, the need to create, while very important, can be taken to extremes. When we allow our drive to create to run unchecked, we can cause a lot of messes, hurt others, ourselves, and end up finding ourselves functioning, instead, as a force of destruction.
Creation comes at a cost. It takes resources. We cannot (most of us, anyway) create something from nothing. Any time we are creating, we are using up resources from one place or another. Every dress takes material, thread, time, energy. Every baby takes time and the physical resources of the mother. Each piece of art takes mental preparation, materials, time, space, and energy.
This isn't really a bad thing so long as we keep it in mind. We cannot hold ourselves above the reality of creation. It takes from us and from the world around us. If our creation will be an improvement on things, then it is, of course, perfectly well and good to create. If our creation will not contribute in some manner that justifies the resources it used, then we should think about limiting our creation.
Of course, much of this is based on our own judgement. The benefit received from creation is very subjective. Some people may view wasting paper to shape it into folded origami to be a waste of time. Others find origami to be a wonderful form of both art and relaxation.
Even with ample resources, our creative drive should still be tempered. When we create, it should be for a purpose. Again, this is very subjective. I guess I would say it doesn't matter so much what your purpose is, so long as you have one. It's also important that you give this consideration to each act of creation.
As I have mentioned before, I knit. I tend to knit a lot of hats, of which I wear about . . . well, two or three. The rest of them sit around, waiting to be worn or to be unwound and knitted into something else. Honestly, I shouldn't have that waiting pile. If I'm not wearing the hat, I should unravel it and use the yarn resource for something else. Even if the yarn is busted, I can use it for practicing techniques I've yet to master. However, like with Dexter's "greatest inventions ever," to simply knit and knit and knit with no real purpose is an abuse of creation.
It isn't just the wasting of resources that makes this important. Creation comes at a cost, but it also comes with responsibilities. When we create or facilitate creation, we are assuming an obligation for what we create. It is in the world because of us, our actions, our desires, our use of resources. Because of this, we have a certain responsibility to this creation and to what becomes of it, what it becomes.
As I've been really into using animation as examples of this, I'll reference My Dog Tulip. We spend a great deal of the movie dealing with our narrator trying to get his dog bred. Several attempts are made to find her a mate, almost all of which end in disaster. However, the narrator continues, over and over again, to make this happen. He calls people, meets with them, has the dog over to their house. He meets other people. He travels to stay with his sister, all because he wants his dog to have puppies. A great deal of time and effort, gas, money, and other resources go towards his drive for creation.
When the puppies are born, he freaks out and realizes he can't handle them. He actually considers drowning them. Even though he doesn't go through with that, he still admits that he "didn't do right" in finding good lives for them. He just gives them away to whomever and never gives them another thought. All of that effort put into creation, and then so little responsibility given to what he ends up creating.
If you create something, you are responsible for it. If it is something like a meal or a hat, that responsibility isn't so huge. If that creation is another person, then your commitments are long term and very serious. We should never create another life unless we are fully prepared to take on the obligations this entails. Creation is primary and it is fundamental to who and what we are, but it is also very, very serious.
We're powerful beings. We can use the most minute of things, the most unassuming materials, and create things that can inspire generations so far removed from ours we can't even fathom them. We can clothe ourselves to keep warm, we can make meals that people crave for years past when they consumed the meal, and we can create new little humans who have our eyes or our smile.
The point of being powerful, however, is that you learn to use your power in a responsible manner. You make decisions about what you will create. You decide if it is worst the cost. You decide if it is needed. Most importantly, you decide if you are prepared to handle what having this creation in existence will mean for you and for the creation. Use your power wisely.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Topic Control: Character Assassinations
Well lookit that! It's Monday and someone else got to choose my topic! Tonight we will be talking about the current need of the powers that be to totally destroy beloved characters in order to make the more current. It's a horrible trend that needs to be beaten with a stick.
My roommate and I are huge Scooby Doo fans and were pretty thrilled that new ones were going to be made. However, some of the directions they've taken the characters (to make them more "appealing") are just wrong. Of all of them, Velma is the one they've screwed over the most. They took a character that was composed and sure of herself and made her into a whiny, insecure brat who is is jealous of a dog. It's insulting to the character.
I noticed it again in a Winnie the Poo movie we watched. The characters were all just.... caricatures of themselves. The makers of the production took the most obvious and shallow aspects of the characters and tried to make that all they were. Poo was JUST driven by hunger. Tigger was JUST spastic. Piglet was JUST twitchy. It was like watching a bunch of junkies just into rehab.
I think the most offending example of this is Michael Bay's movies about the Transformers. Transformers is a cartoon that my brother's generation grew up watching. The characters are complex, dealing with an eons' old war, being lost from their homeland, and struggling with what it means to be a soul in a machine. Over the years, Transformers has tackled a lot of topics and built a pretty complex history and mythology.
Did Michael Bay look at all of that before making his movie? My guess is no. At least, that is how it seems from what he did with his movies. Basically, he kept the names of the characters and what side of the war they were on. Then he did his usual formula of 1 part cliched story to 2 parts T&A to 3 parts fuckery that makes no sense to 5 parts explosions. Add all of that together and you get one Michael Bay movie.
It's basically gotten to where whenever I hear that someone is "reviving" an old childhood favorite, I cringe. Yes, cringe. I take the basic theory that whatever it is, it will suck so horribly that people will want to take to the streets and riot. If it's better than that, then I get to be pleasantly surprised.
Most of the time, however, I end up just gnashing my teeth at the idea of the Lorax being used to sell cars. Fuckers.
My roommate and I are huge Scooby Doo fans and were pretty thrilled that new ones were going to be made. However, some of the directions they've taken the characters (to make them more "appealing") are just wrong. Of all of them, Velma is the one they've screwed over the most. They took a character that was composed and sure of herself and made her into a whiny, insecure brat who is is jealous of a dog. It's insulting to the character.
I noticed it again in a Winnie the Poo movie we watched. The characters were all just.... caricatures of themselves. The makers of the production took the most obvious and shallow aspects of the characters and tried to make that all they were. Poo was JUST driven by hunger. Tigger was JUST spastic. Piglet was JUST twitchy. It was like watching a bunch of junkies just into rehab.
I think the most offending example of this is Michael Bay's movies about the Transformers. Transformers is a cartoon that my brother's generation grew up watching. The characters are complex, dealing with an eons' old war, being lost from their homeland, and struggling with what it means to be a soul in a machine. Over the years, Transformers has tackled a lot of topics and built a pretty complex history and mythology.
Did Michael Bay look at all of that before making his movie? My guess is no. At least, that is how it seems from what he did with his movies. Basically, he kept the names of the characters and what side of the war they were on. Then he did his usual formula of 1 part cliched story to 2 parts T&A to 3 parts fuckery that makes no sense to 5 parts explosions. Add all of that together and you get one Michael Bay movie.
It's basically gotten to where whenever I hear that someone is "reviving" an old childhood favorite, I cringe. Yes, cringe. I take the basic theory that whatever it is, it will suck so horribly that people will want to take to the streets and riot. If it's better than that, then I get to be pleasantly surprised.
Most of the time, however, I end up just gnashing my teeth at the idea of the Lorax being used to sell cars. Fuckers.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Sad News and Rogue Petunias
Despite what any calendar or groundhog had said, it is certainly Spring where I am. I wake up every morning to festive bird parties outside. My allergies are going haywire. It's getting muggy to the point of being hot and the fleebeejeebies have returned.
Of course, it also means mowing of the lawn must happen. This happened yesterday and while I am glad it did, some other things were brought up in the process. The irises were mowed down because, while they have grown, they never bloomed. My roommate believes they spent all their effort in just growing back, with no thought to reproduction.
While we were on the subject, we concluded that, despite all efforts made, the Juanita Rose more than likely would not be blooming this year. It may surprise us, but . . . again, the summer was horrible. We're lucky any of us survived.
Even though I accepted this rationally, emotionally I was a wreck. I have a relationship to these plants because they are my grandmother's plants. She loved them and tended to them. She would watch for them to bloom and make comments about it like they were her friends. They brought her joy.
Because of this, I would assume, last night I dreamed there was this bright light in the back yard and it woke me up. I knew there wasn't supposed to be a light out there, so I looked outside and saw Gramma walking in the back yard in that sunhat of hers. She looked at me and shook her head at where we had to mow down the irises.
You know, I don't think she was angry at me. Her look was far more analytic. It was like she was processing the weather and the damage and making up her mind about the fate of her plants. Maybe her ghost can tend to them. I hope it tends to the Juanita Rose as well.
In many some form of nature comforting me over all of this, we have some rogue petunias growing by the cellar. Gran used to have a hanging basket of them and I guess over time, some of the seeds fell and finally worked their way to the surface. It's kind of nice, you know, to know that even if some of her flowers can't make it, others find a way to give color to the yard.
Of course, it also means mowing of the lawn must happen. This happened yesterday and while I am glad it did, some other things were brought up in the process. The irises were mowed down because, while they have grown, they never bloomed. My roommate believes they spent all their effort in just growing back, with no thought to reproduction.
While we were on the subject, we concluded that, despite all efforts made, the Juanita Rose more than likely would not be blooming this year. It may surprise us, but . . . again, the summer was horrible. We're lucky any of us survived.
Even though I accepted this rationally, emotionally I was a wreck. I have a relationship to these plants because they are my grandmother's plants. She loved them and tended to them. She would watch for them to bloom and make comments about it like they were her friends. They brought her joy.
Because of this, I would assume, last night I dreamed there was this bright light in the back yard and it woke me up. I knew there wasn't supposed to be a light out there, so I looked outside and saw Gramma walking in the back yard in that sunhat of hers. She looked at me and shook her head at where we had to mow down the irises.
You know, I don't think she was angry at me. Her look was far more analytic. It was like she was processing the weather and the damage and making up her mind about the fate of her plants. Maybe her ghost can tend to them. I hope it tends to the Juanita Rose as well.
In many some form of nature comforting me over all of this, we have some rogue petunias growing by the cellar. Gran used to have a hanging basket of them and I guess over time, some of the seeds fell and finally worked their way to the surface. It's kind of nice, you know, to know that even if some of her flowers can't make it, others find a way to give color to the yard.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Death Bunnies
In the great Dust Bunny Empire, most citizens are benign. They are content to lurk in corners and under tables, living their little dust bunny lives in peace and harmony . . . and the occasional show of floating madness. I like to think they sing songs and create great works of art to further the glory and culture of the Empire. Truly they wish for nothing more than for their children to grow up in a safe and clutterful place.
However, when the Dust Bunny Empire is attacked, all realize their way of life will soon be destroyed. Their enemies, The Long Towel, the Fluffy Duster of Doom, or The Great Loud Suck, will not accept any terms for mutual cohabitation. They seek only the utter devastation of the Empire. They function with a scorched earth policy and will not be stopped.
Dust Bunnies KNOW that if their enemies attack, they will face death and ruin. This makes them very sad. It also makes them feel powerless. They can't stop what is to come . . . however, whenever we have nothing left to lose, we often find new and even richer powers. They cannot stop their enemies, so, instead, they found a way to exact great vengeance.
When they die, Dust Bunnies become Death Bunnies, floating creatures of black and gray, with minute projectiles of sharp, painful little knives full of poisons and sting. Death Bunnies fill the lungs of their enemies, causing them to cough and wheeze. They attack their eyes, making them turn red and swell and run freely with tears that begin to attack skin like subtle acid. They cause sneezes and blurry vision.
And . . . as the enemies and destroyers of the Dust Bunny Empire hack and suffer, they bring to their faces tissue to wipe eyes and deal with snot. If one looks closely, one will see that when the next tissue is pulled from the box, a small, quiet little bit of it breaks free from the rest. It glides on the air, floating and weaving, basking in the new life Fate has granted to it.
When it lands, tucked away safely under a couch or behind a chair, it finds six stray cat hairs and nestles against them. As it does this, it catches the attention of a bit of dust. Full of excitement and daring to hope for restoration, the dust dances to the tissue and cat hair. It snuggles against them and feels content. It's not much, but it knows more and more tissue will be used. More bits will fly off.
Over time, the Empire will be reborn.
However, when the Dust Bunny Empire is attacked, all realize their way of life will soon be destroyed. Their enemies, The Long Towel, the Fluffy Duster of Doom, or The Great Loud Suck, will not accept any terms for mutual cohabitation. They seek only the utter devastation of the Empire. They function with a scorched earth policy and will not be stopped.
Dust Bunnies KNOW that if their enemies attack, they will face death and ruin. This makes them very sad. It also makes them feel powerless. They can't stop what is to come . . . however, whenever we have nothing left to lose, we often find new and even richer powers. They cannot stop their enemies, so, instead, they found a way to exact great vengeance.
When they die, Dust Bunnies become Death Bunnies, floating creatures of black and gray, with minute projectiles of sharp, painful little knives full of poisons and sting. Death Bunnies fill the lungs of their enemies, causing them to cough and wheeze. They attack their eyes, making them turn red and swell and run freely with tears that begin to attack skin like subtle acid. They cause sneezes and blurry vision.
And . . . as the enemies and destroyers of the Dust Bunny Empire hack and suffer, they bring to their faces tissue to wipe eyes and deal with snot. If one looks closely, one will see that when the next tissue is pulled from the box, a small, quiet little bit of it breaks free from the rest. It glides on the air, floating and weaving, basking in the new life Fate has granted to it.
When it lands, tucked away safely under a couch or behind a chair, it finds six stray cat hairs and nestles against them. As it does this, it catches the attention of a bit of dust. Full of excitement and daring to hope for restoration, the dust dances to the tissue and cat hair. It snuggles against them and feels content. It's not much, but it knows more and more tissue will be used. More bits will fly off.
Over time, the Empire will be reborn.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Philosophy of Inner Drives: Will, Red, and Round
I cropped the canvas to hold only one circle, but with others playing into it. As the crop was a square, we now change the concept of the picture completely. Circle within a square, giving straight lines the final say in what the shape would be. You'll notice it's the first truly straight lines. Even the four sided shapes created by the circles still have some curve to them.
Then, just to be fair to the other colors out there, I started to add them. Yellow first, then orange, then purple . . . it went on from there until my reds were only slashes and hint here and there. In one place it just peeks out from the background. In the end, it's the least color in the picture.
Now, some people would see this as the problem with what happens when you begin to stray away from your original desire. My red canvas and happy circles have been changed and altered until only hints of them remain. Some people would see this as the problem with taking in too much influence, allowing other things to define the boarders, and giving all the other colors a chance.
The thing is, when I look at the picture, the things that pop to me the most are the reds and the overall sense of the picture is a circle in motion. The square exists, but really only functions to highlight the circle. This is the strength of knowing yourself. Even if you have to play a lot of roles in life. Even if you have to define your boundaries by other standards, be viewed in ways you don't anticipate, or find yourself at times sharing the spotlight with others, it's okay so long as you know who you are and what makes you . . . you.
I think a lot of us fear being lost to ourselves. It happens. We all know it happens. It doesn't have to though. The trick is, no matter what is going on, you stay focused on YOU. Remember who you are and what you love about yourself. If you do that, it doesn't matter what is going on in the picture, you will STILL mostly focus on your reds and circles.
There are a lot of people out there who want to push all the different ways and ideas down. In the Middle East, kids who dress emo are being stoned. Here in the US, people say that gay marriage will destroy our culture. Seriously? Are you really that weak that you think outside influences can ruin what you hold dear? Wait, let me rephrase . . . do you fear the influences because you know what you hold dear isn't strong enough to withstand them? Because if it isn't, find ways to make it more attractive. Don't just try and send it away.
I could have put a million colors in that picture and a million different shape distortions. It wouldn't have mattered because the red and the hint of circle still would have been the first thing to catch my eye. It always will be because these are the things I love the most.
So what are your loves? What are your priorities? And I don't mean the bullshit ones you tell everyone because you think you should. What are the real ones? Because whatever they are, that's what you'll see in the big picture.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Philosophy of Inner Drives: Creative Inspiration
Inspiration is a curious thing. For some people, it's very straightforward. All of the typical things that come to mind as inspirations are what these people will list as their inspirations and . . . they actually mean it. Family, religious figures, sunsets, clear spring water, all of that? Yeah, these people like it.
Other people have told me they have no inspiration. They want to. They've tried. They even struggle with the concept . . . but nothing comes to them. Sometimes this leads to frustration because they feel like they're missing out on something (that they somewhat believe doesn't exist). Other times, they have a lot of guilt over the issue, because they feel bad that the family/religion/sunset stuff just isn't doing it for them.
While I understand their frustration, I think it's a bit misplaced. As much as we're told that "if you work hard, you can get whatever you want," when it comes to inspiration, it's not that simple. As far as not being inspired by your kids, don't feel guilty. Who besides Jackson Pollock could really find those little spew factories inspiring?
Other people have told me they have no inspiration. They want to. They've tried. They even struggle with the concept . . . but nothing comes to them. Sometimes this leads to frustration because they feel like they're missing out on something (that they somewhat believe doesn't exist). Other times, they have a lot of guilt over the issue, because they feel bad that the family/religion/sunset stuff just isn't doing it for them.
While I understand their frustration, I think it's a bit misplaced. As much as we're told that "if you work hard, you can get whatever you want," when it comes to inspiration, it's not that simple. As far as not being inspired by your kids, don't feel guilty. Who besides Jackson Pollock could really find those little spew factories inspiring?
- Like love, inspiration is both emotional and mysterious. We know it exists and we know it's capable of producing tremendous changes in the world around us . . . however, we're not exactly sure what causes it. Why do we become emotional over certain things and not others? Why is it that one story mildly entertains us and the next story inspires us to devote our lives to curing cancer? With something this profound, you can't really quantify it.
- And even though you can't measure of quantify it, don't think people haven't tried. As they have done with what makes a good pop song and what makes a blockbuster, researchers have studied ways to create situations to inspire us. They add music that they believe causes people to respond. They manipulate colors and the way stories are worded, all towards the goal of manipulating our emotions. Does it work? Of course. However, as it is contrived, it doesn't work well.
- One of the pesky little problems with trying to mass produce inspiration is that everyone has their own individual tastes when it comes to what will move them.
- True inspiration comes when it does. You can't force it. It's kind of a mystery as to why certain things inspire us and other don't. Because of that, you just can't force something to inspire you. That would be like forcing something to make you feel sad when everything in the room is lollipops and rubber duckies. If nothing is making you sad, you can't genuinely experience the emotion.
- However, there are ways to stimulate inspiration. A lot of people talk about finding inspiration for things after they've slept. Sleeping is good! It's not the dreams and deep thoughts so much as the relaxation and clearing of the mind part of it. Don't like sleeping? Try an activity that busies the body and the mind, but not in a way that deals with your inspirational subject. Knit, golf, fish, work out, clean the house, take a walk, take a shower. All of these activities allow you to busy mind and body with other activities while your artistic drive seeks its inspiration.
What are some of my inspirations?
I always tell people I'm inspired by a large collection of depressed people with questionable morals, social habits, drug addictions, and desire to live. I love Anne Sexton. I love Arthur Rimbaud. I love Oscar Wilde, Hemingway, Faulkner, and Virginia Wolfe. I love Sylvia Plath, Carson McCullers, and Flannery O'Connor. Frida Kahlo's work makes me shiver. I love Pele, Odin, Fraya, and Coyote.
I love drag queens and brilliant junkies. I love people who can write good horror stories and people who can spin worlds that exist for thousands and thousands of years. I love it when things fall apart. I love the people who can function at times like that. I love the emperors of Rome and their families, especially Agrippina.
And for better or worse, I am inspired by my mother. I'm inspired by her good points, her manic brilliance. I'm also inspired and horrified by her personal choices and hope to avoid them and freak the hell out when I think I haven't.
Ahh, inspiration. As I said, it's a curious thing. It's also very wonderful to have. Here's to enjoying your own inspirations. May they be plentiful.
I always tell people I'm inspired by a large collection of depressed people with questionable morals, social habits, drug addictions, and desire to live. I love Anne Sexton. I love Arthur Rimbaud. I love Oscar Wilde, Hemingway, Faulkner, and Virginia Wolfe. I love Sylvia Plath, Carson McCullers, and Flannery O'Connor. Frida Kahlo's work makes me shiver. I love Pele, Odin, Fraya, and Coyote.
I love drag queens and brilliant junkies. I love people who can write good horror stories and people who can spin worlds that exist for thousands and thousands of years. I love it when things fall apart. I love the people who can function at times like that. I love the emperors of Rome and their families, especially Agrippina.
And for better or worse, I am inspired by my mother. I'm inspired by her good points, her manic brilliance. I'm also inspired and horrified by her personal choices and hope to avoid them and freak the hell out when I think I haven't.
Ahh, inspiration. As I said, it's a curious thing. It's also very wonderful to have. Here's to enjoying your own inspirations. May they be plentiful.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Philosophy of Inner Drives: The Creative Right
I remember being a little grade school child and being taken to the lunch room every Friday afternoon. We, as an elementary, would all sing. All of us. We all had art class. We all wrote stories. We were all equally read to and given construction paper and other materials for crafts.
At some point, this equality of creative expression ended. After a while, only certain children sang, drew, or wrote creatively. Only certain children played instruments, acted, or, in some schools, danced. Our perception of our right to creative expression became warped. Suddenly, creativity had value judgement placed on it. Only the children who sang WELL were allowed to sing. Only the children who created art that was viewed as acceptable were allowed in art classes. Everyone else was just 'wasting their time.'
By the time we are adults, most people consider their creative drive in very limited ways. Even people who are viewed as "creative" people tend to not trust their own creativity. Why would they? All of their lives, they have been told it's not practical. It won't make them much money. Only a very select few people can succeed if they choose a creative path.
This makes me so deeply angry. I love almost everything about living in the modern age, but one of the things that frustrates me is how we treat creativity and the drive to be creative like some offhand and eccentric frivolity. We kill almost everyone's creative drive by telling them they're not good at it and then cripple the rest of the people by telling them their creativity means nothing.
Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit!
It is our creative drive that, sense the beginning, has allowed us to survive.
Oh, let me repeat that.
IT IS OUR CREATIVE DRIVE THAT KEPT US ALIVE.
The hell, you say? Well, consider that before the industrial revolution, almost all people, aside from the very rich, were responsible for producing and creating the resources that kept them alive. Aside from very specific skills, though a great many people possessed at least the basics of said skills, people had to take care of stuff for themselves. Your creative drive had to be active.
There was no "oh I can't garden." You had to garden. If you didn't, you had no veggies. There was no "I can't sew." You had to sew. You sewed clothing, dish rags, quilts, curtains, sheets. You cooked. You repaired wagons. You fixed your furniture. You found ways to survive the winter. You found ways to build what you needed. You did all of this, because you had to.
The truth is, even if our society acts like it doesn't need creativity and that most people don't have any, that is completely false. You are creative and you need to be creative. No matter what you do for a living, no matter how rough or comfortable your life may be, you need creativity to survive. It is HOW you survive.
It is important to begin to flex your creative muscles. Want a way to start? I did an example for you. Think of someone from your past who tried to fuck you over and kill your creative drive. Draw a picture of them. Make it expressive, more emotionally representative of them that physically accurate. Mine is of my kindergarten teacher!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Topic Control: Why I Blog
As you know by now, every Monday I allow the topic of the blog to be decided by someone else. Oh and if there is something you want me to discuss, I will. Just leave me a note someplace. There are links and besides, we all know we've lost most of our ability to really have privacy these days. Anyway, on to tonight's topic. Why do I blog?
Several years ago, I went to this weekend conference where a children's writer talked about his writing, writing in general, and what he believed to be the key to his success. He held up a journal. Then he pointed to a large stack of journals on the table beside him. Ever since he could write, he kept a journal. He would write in them until they were full and then start on a new one. He drew his source material from his journals and felt they were the most important thing about his writing.
I didn't feel inspired to start doing my own journal because of this, but that weekend did stick with me. Over the years, I've come back to it time and again, kind of in awe of someone having that much documented material over their own life. In my more depressed states, this sounded pretty horrible, because the concept of documenting all the crap that was happening seemed liked a very bad thing to do. When I wasn't so depressed . . . well, let's face it, for a long time, my two states were depressed or apathetic. Neither of which were very conducive to journal writing.
When I started therapy, I was encouraged to journal . . . and I didn't. In those early, dark years of therapy, I still couldn't bring myself to write about what was happening in my life. I felt like I would either be faking it to feel better or just complaining bitterly about what was going on. You'll note that when I finally did start blogging, I do sometimes write about my darkness, my crazies, and my bitters. However, that's all part of the process. And in the end, I think it's beneficial.
What actually started this blog was that a friend of mine began to blog and didn't want to do it alone. Okay, he didn't say that exactly, but he did encourage me to blog as well, so my assumption was that if he was blogging, it would help to have someone else doing it as well. Kind of like how people don't like to talk walks by themselves. Actually, it's a lot like that.
What kept me blogging, in those first months, was the fact that I stop almost everything I begin, and I didn't want to stop doing this. It was fairly easy for me, after all. It involved sitting and staring at the computer, two things I tend to be quite good at doing. I tried to give the blog direction at first. I thought I was going to blog about weird crafts and the like. However, if you're starting to blog, I'm not sure having a specific subject matter for your blog is the BEST way to go. I know it works for a lot of people, but it also limits your options. For some people that's fine, but I realized it wasn't going to work for me.
As I continued to blog, what I found I was really doing was rediscovering my writing voice. I'd lost that along the way somewhere. And even when I did have it, it was far from refined. When I look at my old writing, I find a lot of my influences in it and very little of me. After a while, I realized this was what I needed to do with the blog. I needed to find my Voice again.
I also realized there were a lot of things I wanted and needed to process. Part of it was the crazies, some of it was the grief, and part of it was the general annoyance at the fuckery going on around me. At the same time, I needed to talk about the beauty of my life, about the love I have, the blessings, and the amazing moments that I find myself being part of. I needed to see and write about both, document all of what was happening to me, so I could understand that the darkness is never bigger than the happy bright red funball that is the rest of the time.
Now I blog for all of these reasons, and also because it has become a large part of what is beautiful for me. I love this time I spend writing. It makes me happy and brings a nice sense of accomplishment to the end of my days. It helps me to feel I am being heard. It helps me to vent out my pain and rage out my angry. It helps me to poke fun at myself and the rest of the world.
I blog because I'm a better person for it, because I feel more complete for it. I blog because I know it's progress. I'm not sure towards what yet, but it's progress nevertheless. Finally, I blog because I love it. I really do love it. I think that's the best reason of all.
Several years ago, I went to this weekend conference where a children's writer talked about his writing, writing in general, and what he believed to be the key to his success. He held up a journal. Then he pointed to a large stack of journals on the table beside him. Ever since he could write, he kept a journal. He would write in them until they were full and then start on a new one. He drew his source material from his journals and felt they were the most important thing about his writing.
I didn't feel inspired to start doing my own journal because of this, but that weekend did stick with me. Over the years, I've come back to it time and again, kind of in awe of someone having that much documented material over their own life. In my more depressed states, this sounded pretty horrible, because the concept of documenting all the crap that was happening seemed liked a very bad thing to do. When I wasn't so depressed . . . well, let's face it, for a long time, my two states were depressed or apathetic. Neither of which were very conducive to journal writing.
When I started therapy, I was encouraged to journal . . . and I didn't. In those early, dark years of therapy, I still couldn't bring myself to write about what was happening in my life. I felt like I would either be faking it to feel better or just complaining bitterly about what was going on. You'll note that when I finally did start blogging, I do sometimes write about my darkness, my crazies, and my bitters. However, that's all part of the process. And in the end, I think it's beneficial.
What actually started this blog was that a friend of mine began to blog and didn't want to do it alone. Okay, he didn't say that exactly, but he did encourage me to blog as well, so my assumption was that if he was blogging, it would help to have someone else doing it as well. Kind of like how people don't like to talk walks by themselves. Actually, it's a lot like that.
What kept me blogging, in those first months, was the fact that I stop almost everything I begin, and I didn't want to stop doing this. It was fairly easy for me, after all. It involved sitting and staring at the computer, two things I tend to be quite good at doing. I tried to give the blog direction at first. I thought I was going to blog about weird crafts and the like. However, if you're starting to blog, I'm not sure having a specific subject matter for your blog is the BEST way to go. I know it works for a lot of people, but it also limits your options. For some people that's fine, but I realized it wasn't going to work for me.
As I continued to blog, what I found I was really doing was rediscovering my writing voice. I'd lost that along the way somewhere. And even when I did have it, it was far from refined. When I look at my old writing, I find a lot of my influences in it and very little of me. After a while, I realized this was what I needed to do with the blog. I needed to find my Voice again.
I also realized there were a lot of things I wanted and needed to process. Part of it was the crazies, some of it was the grief, and part of it was the general annoyance at the fuckery going on around me. At the same time, I needed to talk about the beauty of my life, about the love I have, the blessings, and the amazing moments that I find myself being part of. I needed to see and write about both, document all of what was happening to me, so I could understand that the darkness is never bigger than the happy bright red funball that is the rest of the time.
Now I blog for all of these reasons, and also because it has become a large part of what is beautiful for me. I love this time I spend writing. It makes me happy and brings a nice sense of accomplishment to the end of my days. It helps me to feel I am being heard. It helps me to vent out my pain and rage out my angry. It helps me to poke fun at myself and the rest of the world.
I blog because I'm a better person for it, because I feel more complete for it. I blog because I know it's progress. I'm not sure towards what yet, but it's progress nevertheless. Finally, I blog because I love it. I really do love it. I think that's the best reason of all.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Weekend in Review
I had a really good weekend. It was a nice blending of productive, leisure, and sweetness. Honestly, I think this is the best things can be.
The roommate and I took a somewhat break from cleaning on Saturday, but picked things back up today. He's found this new cleaning spray that is two parts magic to one part evil, and manages to even get through all the nasty that a kitchen with no vent can create. Things are looking more lovely by the day. I also decided what my nephew would be getting for his birthday. I did this planning a full month in advance!
We watched our cartoons and some movies. We had a long conversation about a game we play and how we're both kind of annoyed with it. I finished a book and felt deep and abiding happiness in the ending of it. It's so good to find authors who live up to what they should be writing.
The best part of the weekend had to do with weather and cats. It's been cold and rainy, making the days overcast and dark. As you all know, I love this to pieces. The return of the cold has made the cats all friendly and cuddly as well. Alice spent most of the last two nights on my roomie, either sleeping or looking up adoringly at him. I still think it's cool how much that can loves him. As for me, At any given time, I had at least one of the other three cats on me. Ahh, bliss.
The only downside to the weekend was that we lost a member of the family. My oxygen machine started screeching at me and flashing red lights. These are warning signs of soon death. I called the company and they sent over a replacement. I thanked the machine for three years of loyal service and felt sad when it left the house. The new one is smaller and very quiet. As of yet, it is unnamed.
Oh yes . . . this weekend also brought the return of the dreaded Daylight Savings Time, a cursed created due to the deep evil done by all creatures. It plagues us. It burns!
Aside from that, it was a great weekend.
The roommate and I took a somewhat break from cleaning on Saturday, but picked things back up today. He's found this new cleaning spray that is two parts magic to one part evil, and manages to even get through all the nasty that a kitchen with no vent can create. Things are looking more lovely by the day. I also decided what my nephew would be getting for his birthday. I did this planning a full month in advance!
We watched our cartoons and some movies. We had a long conversation about a game we play and how we're both kind of annoyed with it. I finished a book and felt deep and abiding happiness in the ending of it. It's so good to find authors who live up to what they should be writing.
The best part of the weekend had to do with weather and cats. It's been cold and rainy, making the days overcast and dark. As you all know, I love this to pieces. The return of the cold has made the cats all friendly and cuddly as well. Alice spent most of the last two nights on my roomie, either sleeping or looking up adoringly at him. I still think it's cool how much that can loves him. As for me, At any given time, I had at least one of the other three cats on me. Ahh, bliss.
The only downside to the weekend was that we lost a member of the family. My oxygen machine started screeching at me and flashing red lights. These are warning signs of soon death. I called the company and they sent over a replacement. I thanked the machine for three years of loyal service and felt sad when it left the house. The new one is smaller and very quiet. As of yet, it is unnamed.
Oh yes . . . this weekend also brought the return of the dreaded Daylight Savings Time, a cursed created due to the deep evil done by all creatures. It plagues us. It burns!
Aside from that, it was a great weekend.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Philosophy of Inner Drives: The Myth of the Strong Will
I mentioned Naruto before and talked about how the "way of the ninja" can aid in helping one to achieve goals, build power, and get up after a bad fight. The story also gives some examples of people who have allowed their "way of the ninja" to take over their lives to the point where it becomes more of a cancer eating away at them than anything helpful.
One character based his "way of the ninja" on the idea that he was the last of his clan. In and of itself, this isn't so bad, but his focus is in the wrong place. Instead of becoming stronger and attracting lovers and allies so he can rebuild what was lost, he spends his life trying to kill the people who destroyed his clan. His Will is strong, but, as it is unchecked, it will probably lead to his demise.
As I have mentioned before, being driven by a strong Will can be quite beneficial. Your strong Will can help you move past all barriers. It can heal you. It can aid in your altering the way you think. It can make you get up, over and over again, no matter what kind of pain or horror you are facing. In that way, a strong Will is an amazing thing.
A strong Will can also cause you lots of problems. I think the major example I see of this is on skill based reality shows. Quite often we watch as people lose the contest because they "won't compromise who they are and want to just be themselves and won't change for anyone." Okay. That's awesome for you.
However . . . you knew going in this was a contest where you would be asked to compete under certain conditions, many of which would come off as stupid in the grand context of things. But at the end of the game, you still had a very large prize waiting for you. So . . . either you could play along and possibly win or . . . well, lose. It's all well and good to just "be yourself," but never assume that's going to get you very far when judges are involved. As much as you dream of a world where all the rules alter just for you . . . . yeah, they're not going to.
A strong Will, when not tempered with reason, focus, and self-reflection, will prove to be your undoing. An unchecked Will is like driving a car at full speed. Sure, you may think are in control. Yes, there is a lot of power at your command . . . however, you may not be able to react in time to handle whatever going a such speeds is going to throw in your path.
I have a real life example that furthers the metaphor. I have a Mazda 323 that is being held together with wire, duct tape, dirt, and prayers. It's name is Rabbit Killer . . . for obvious reasons. Anyway, one time the battery died. Okay, many many times the battery has died, but this one time, I was alone at the house and needed to move the car so my brother could get close enough to jump it.
I put the car in neutral and started to push it. It moved quite easily . . . and soon, because I was on a slight downward incline, it was almost across the street in the ditch. I had to run, throw open the door, and try to stop it. I almost didn't.
If you consider me as the force of Will and the car as my life, you will see two things. One, Will is astounding it its abilities to be used to help us meet our goals. Two, if you only apply Will and nothing else . . . well, you end up in the ditch.
Now, do not think for a moment I am implying, other than in the situations I described in the last post, that you should live a life of weak Will. I think you should flex you Will and make it as strong as possible. At the same time, you should attach things to it to make sure it goes in the direction and speed you wish. Reason, focus, self-reflection, logic, a strong dose of reality, and moments of clarity will get you very far.
And not into a ditch.
One character based his "way of the ninja" on the idea that he was the last of his clan. In and of itself, this isn't so bad, but his focus is in the wrong place. Instead of becoming stronger and attracting lovers and allies so he can rebuild what was lost, he spends his life trying to kill the people who destroyed his clan. His Will is strong, but, as it is unchecked, it will probably lead to his demise.
As I have mentioned before, being driven by a strong Will can be quite beneficial. Your strong Will can help you move past all barriers. It can heal you. It can aid in your altering the way you think. It can make you get up, over and over again, no matter what kind of pain or horror you are facing. In that way, a strong Will is an amazing thing.
A strong Will can also cause you lots of problems. I think the major example I see of this is on skill based reality shows. Quite often we watch as people lose the contest because they "won't compromise who they are and want to just be themselves and won't change for anyone." Okay. That's awesome for you.
However . . . you knew going in this was a contest where you would be asked to compete under certain conditions, many of which would come off as stupid in the grand context of things. But at the end of the game, you still had a very large prize waiting for you. So . . . either you could play along and possibly win or . . . well, lose. It's all well and good to just "be yourself," but never assume that's going to get you very far when judges are involved. As much as you dream of a world where all the rules alter just for you . . . . yeah, they're not going to.
A strong Will, when not tempered with reason, focus, and self-reflection, will prove to be your undoing. An unchecked Will is like driving a car at full speed. Sure, you may think are in control. Yes, there is a lot of power at your command . . . however, you may not be able to react in time to handle whatever going a such speeds is going to throw in your path.
I have a real life example that furthers the metaphor. I have a Mazda 323 that is being held together with wire, duct tape, dirt, and prayers. It's name is Rabbit Killer . . . for obvious reasons. Anyway, one time the battery died. Okay, many many times the battery has died, but this one time, I was alone at the house and needed to move the car so my brother could get close enough to jump it.
I put the car in neutral and started to push it. It moved quite easily . . . and soon, because I was on a slight downward incline, it was almost across the street in the ditch. I had to run, throw open the door, and try to stop it. I almost didn't.
If you consider me as the force of Will and the car as my life, you will see two things. One, Will is astounding it its abilities to be used to help us meet our goals. Two, if you only apply Will and nothing else . . . well, you end up in the ditch.
Now, do not think for a moment I am implying, other than in the situations I described in the last post, that you should live a life of weak Will. I think you should flex you Will and make it as strong as possible. At the same time, you should attach things to it to make sure it goes in the direction and speed you wish. Reason, focus, self-reflection, logic, a strong dose of reality, and moments of clarity will get you very far.
And not into a ditch.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Philosophy of Inner Drives: The Myth of the Weak Will
I love the anime and manga series Naruto, specifically because the characters is principled on the power of will. Each ninja has their own "Ninja way" which is basically a phrase that keeps them going. When things get rough, when they've been knocked down a million times, when it looks like they are just about to die, they find the force of will to get back up and continue to fight. Quite often, the battle isn't decided by who has the better skills, but by who has the stronger will.
Our Will, our soul strength, is perhaps the most misunderstood aspect of our inner drives. The drive can be completely broken, sometimes as the only means to keep us alive. It can be trained to the point where we can teach ourselves not to feel pain or cold. Will pushes us towards our goals, keeps out the negative, promotes focus. Will helps us conquer fear and run into burning buildings to save people. It steadies our nerves as we perform surgeries. It keeps our heads held high in the face of public humiliation.
There are times when the safest thing we can do is surrender our Will and sense of Self. For instance, I do this whenever I go to see a doctor. Going to the doctor freaks me out. I become quite nervous at the idea and my mind fills with potential hurts and slights my person could suffer. The only way I can usually get past this is to let to of my Will. I tell myself that in the situation of going to the doctor, I am not viewed as ME. I am viewed as a patient, seen as many are seen by this doctor. Whatever happens, I will react as a patient should.
Our society despises those we perceive to be "weak willed." The overweight, the poor, those who stay in abusive relationships, drug addicts, people who give in too easily to the commands of others are all seed as examples of a weak will. However . . . . you will note in almost all of these cases, many of the people in these situations have very strong Wills. Obese people cling to their habits despite what amounts to ostracism. Abused people find the strength to get up the next morning, despite their pain.
In truth, it would be closer to say that people such as those described above learned to strengthen their Will in ways that discordant with being centered and healthy. Imagine, for instance, that you break your foot. Instead of getting it set and cast in a way that would allow it to heal properly, you just find a place that is causing you the least pain when you walk and start walking that way. Your muscles will adjust to this new way, driven by the need for less pain. The muscles strengthen and eventually your foot heals. It just doesn't heal properly. Now you walk with a limp that still causes you a certain amount of pain.
In this example, you had the Will to continue on, despite the pain and the break. You had the Will to adjust your walking and force your body to comply with the new state of things. And, despite the continuing pain, you had the Will to keep going. So are you weak? No. Are your newly adjusted muscles weak? No. They're just not working in a way to be healthy for you.
I think it's important to understand this distinction. It's not that our Will is weak, it's just that it's been trained to function in a counterproductive manner. This isn't some PC white washing of the situation. Telling people they're weak willed doesn't help them. There is the implied idea of failure, the implied idea of this being an unchanging thing, and the implied idea that being strong willed is some horribly complicated process that some people grasp magically but seems to allude you.
Look at the difference. Your Will has been trained in a counterproductive manner. This implies your Will can be taught and trained, therefore altered by you. It implies that you have the capacity to train your will, but lacked the skills to train it as needed for it to function in a healthy way. You can change. You are not a failure.
Whenever you find yourself in destructive patterns, don't fall into the trap of believing it's because you're not a strong willed person. Think about all the lying, all the scheming, all the plotting, and all the recovery you've accomplished for the sake of keeping your destructive behavior going. This takes a lot of Will. The key to altering these behaviors has little to do with your Will and more to do with other drives. You'll see as we continue on.
Our Will, our soul strength, is perhaps the most misunderstood aspect of our inner drives. The drive can be completely broken, sometimes as the only means to keep us alive. It can be trained to the point where we can teach ourselves not to feel pain or cold. Will pushes us towards our goals, keeps out the negative, promotes focus. Will helps us conquer fear and run into burning buildings to save people. It steadies our nerves as we perform surgeries. It keeps our heads held high in the face of public humiliation.
There are times when the safest thing we can do is surrender our Will and sense of Self. For instance, I do this whenever I go to see a doctor. Going to the doctor freaks me out. I become quite nervous at the idea and my mind fills with potential hurts and slights my person could suffer. The only way I can usually get past this is to let to of my Will. I tell myself that in the situation of going to the doctor, I am not viewed as ME. I am viewed as a patient, seen as many are seen by this doctor. Whatever happens, I will react as a patient should.
Our society despises those we perceive to be "weak willed." The overweight, the poor, those who stay in abusive relationships, drug addicts, people who give in too easily to the commands of others are all seed as examples of a weak will. However . . . . you will note in almost all of these cases, many of the people in these situations have very strong Wills. Obese people cling to their habits despite what amounts to ostracism. Abused people find the strength to get up the next morning, despite their pain.
In truth, it would be closer to say that people such as those described above learned to strengthen their Will in ways that discordant with being centered and healthy. Imagine, for instance, that you break your foot. Instead of getting it set and cast in a way that would allow it to heal properly, you just find a place that is causing you the least pain when you walk and start walking that way. Your muscles will adjust to this new way, driven by the need for less pain. The muscles strengthen and eventually your foot heals. It just doesn't heal properly. Now you walk with a limp that still causes you a certain amount of pain.
In this example, you had the Will to continue on, despite the pain and the break. You had the Will to adjust your walking and force your body to comply with the new state of things. And, despite the continuing pain, you had the Will to keep going. So are you weak? No. Are your newly adjusted muscles weak? No. They're just not working in a way to be healthy for you.
I think it's important to understand this distinction. It's not that our Will is weak, it's just that it's been trained to function in a counterproductive manner. This isn't some PC white washing of the situation. Telling people they're weak willed doesn't help them. There is the implied idea of failure, the implied idea of this being an unchanging thing, and the implied idea that being strong willed is some horribly complicated process that some people grasp magically but seems to allude you.
Look at the difference. Your Will has been trained in a counterproductive manner. This implies your Will can be taught and trained, therefore altered by you. It implies that you have the capacity to train your will, but lacked the skills to train it as needed for it to function in a healthy way. You can change. You are not a failure.
Whenever you find yourself in destructive patterns, don't fall into the trap of believing it's because you're not a strong willed person. Think about all the lying, all the scheming, all the plotting, and all the recovery you've accomplished for the sake of keeping your destructive behavior going. This takes a lot of Will. The key to altering these behaviors has little to do with your Will and more to do with other drives. You'll see as we continue on.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
The Philosophy of Inner Drives
Of course, very few of us allow all four to work within us at all times. Most of the time, we have one dominant drive that dictates our motives and actions. If anything, we use the other three to further the directives of the first.
During the next several blogs, I will be exploring these various drives and the benefits and detriments of each. I'll talk about the characteristics of each as a dominant trait. I'll also explore what happens when the drive is lacking.
It is very important to keep these drives in harmony. That isn't to say to strive for a perfect balance. Some might see that as important, but I think the goal of perfect balance is, at its core, faulty, as it becomes a matter of preservation. Given that, preservation will always be stronger when you work on perfect balance, meaning, of course, it is never possible. Instead, I believe that we, as adaptive and intelligent creatures, should strive for, as I stated above, a harmony of forces, one where we can shift from drive to drive when the need calls for it.
However, even if you cannot harmonize your own drives, it's still helpful to understand them, as to be able to communicate better with those around you. If you are predominantly a creatively driven person, your motivations may not make a lot of sense to someone who is mostly driven by a need for preservation. If you have a strong will and a strong drive for destruction, your reasons for ending things (like marriages and jobs) may not be as understood by people who want to create solutions or avoid changes. If you can understand their motivations though, you can find ways to communicate with them.
As I said, this is going to be a several day event. Enjoy.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Super Bluesday.
I was actually productive today! I went to therapy and paid rent, stopped by the mailbox place and then thought about having my hair cut. I decided against the hair cuttage, because I'm somewhat in pain and wanted to just veg out and watch Drag Race. After that, the rest of the bills were paid, I cleaned the dishwasher and folded every towel in the universe.*
I tried my best to ignore the political stuff going on today. Politics in this country have started to really annoy me, and with good reason. I think we're electing the wrong people and even letting the wrong people run. It seems like everyone is far more concerned about their agenda than they are the big picture. I find that disheartening.
I would love to say I wish better people would run, and, really, I do. However, the political machine and it's various parasites have made that a very unrewarding prospect. Politicians get put through a grinder and transformed into something experts believe to be electable. I'm not even sure how much of them is left at the end of that. I'm not sure what the message is, but what most of them present is something of a caricature of some archetype of their specific party.
In other words, it's been a personally productive and successful day, tainted only by the apathy of politics. I'll be really happy when the election is over and the level of crazy in the air can die down.
*Possible exaggeration.
I tried my best to ignore the political stuff going on today. Politics in this country have started to really annoy me, and with good reason. I think we're electing the wrong people and even letting the wrong people run. It seems like everyone is far more concerned about their agenda than they are the big picture. I find that disheartening.
I would love to say I wish better people would run, and, really, I do. However, the political machine and it's various parasites have made that a very unrewarding prospect. Politicians get put through a grinder and transformed into something experts believe to be electable. I'm not even sure how much of them is left at the end of that. I'm not sure what the message is, but what most of them present is something of a caricature of some archetype of their specific party.
In other words, it's been a personally productive and successful day, tainted only by the apathy of politics. I'll be really happy when the election is over and the level of crazy in the air can die down.
*Possible exaggeration.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Top Control: Reading Foundations
One of the things I adore about my closest friends, the ones who are parents anyway, is how they bring texture and depth to their children's lives through books. They read to their kids, make sure their kids get library time, listen to the children read to them, and promote reading and books as being a very important part of their children's lives.
My best friend is currently deciding on a reading list for her son, and we've been batting books back and forth to what should be included. There are a lot of lists out there and recommendations, but it can get overwhelming. I think the best thing to do instead of starting with specific books is to consider what you want out of a list and what you do not want from a list. Now, I don't have children, but if I did have one, I think I'd try to formulate a reading list from the following.
My best friend is currently deciding on a reading list for her son, and we've been batting books back and forth to what should be included. There are a lot of lists out there and recommendations, but it can get overwhelming. I think the best thing to do instead of starting with specific books is to consider what you want out of a list and what you do not want from a list. Now, I don't have children, but if I did have one, I think I'd try to formulate a reading list from the following.
- The books should have variation. Don't pick ten books that have the same level of substance to them. If the books are all fluffy, the kid will breeze through them. If all the books are dense and difficult, the child may be discouraged. Select some more challenging texts, some that are nice and middle of the road, and some that are fun and easy.
- Do NOT just choose books within your child's reading level. If your child reads at a 3rd grade level, choose 40% of the books at that level. Choose 10% that are just below it, and make the rest climb past the level. I'm not saying go from Dick and Jane to Faulkner, but you can certainly build past Dick and Jane into more serious texts.
- Engage your child in the process. Ask them what they'd like to learn about. If they like dinosaurs, choose some books about dinosaurs. If they like nature, choose some nature books. However, do not let the child decide all of the topics. Give them about 25% of the choices, but make the rest yourself. However, given that you asked your child about their interests, you may very well be able to see places where you can take that interest and branch off from it. If the kid likes adventure books because s/he likes traveling, maybe the next book you choose can be about the history of trains.
- Some book selections should be made as to enhance the child's frame of reference. Make sure your child reads the books that shape our collective culture. Have them read the books that are famous children's books. Let them experience Wilbur and Pooh Bear and Encyclopedia Brown. If the book is common knowledge and will come up again and again, make sure the child reads it.
- Some of the books should be the books you love. Most children truly want to form connections with their parents. Our loves, our music, our books, our comics.....they shape who we are and how we think. If we share what we love with our kids, they will have a better understanding of us. Trust me, this one is important. Of all the things I regret about my mom dying when she did, I am very happy to know I what she loved to read.
Other suggestions:
- If you work up a reading list for your kid, you will more than likely do this in advance of the reading time. So, until it begins, read the books yourself. If you have read them already, refresh yourself on the details. That way you can talk to the kid about the books. And I don't mean quiz them, I mean talk to them about it, have them apply the knowledge in a way that they can discuss it with others.
- Have the kid write down unfamiliar words and look them up. Don't tell them the meaning of the word, actually have the child look it up, read the definition, and then discuss the word with them. Ask them how the word is used in the story and why. Look, I get this was more difficult back in the day. Dictionaries are clunky and heavy. However, we have this thing now call the internet, and looking up the meaning of a word is easy.
- When the child is finished with the book, discuss it as a complete work. Have the child share his/her feelings and thoughts, and then talk about your own. Have the child do a project related to the book, geared to their own interests. If the child is artistic, have them do something with their art about the book. If the child likes to organize things, have them write out a timeline of the book's events. It would probably help if you did a project over the book as well, something you gift to the child as a memory of the shared experience.
I realize all of this sounds like a lot of work . . . and it is. Then again, you had the kid, so you might as well take some time to really shape its influences. What better reason to have a child than to groom it to take on the world?
Blahdeblah
I finished the third book of the Kencyrath series and was very, very happy about it. It was everything I had wanted it to be. Here's hoping the next books are just as good. I spent time reading the trope lists of everything, happy to see that while it follows many of the typical, the author does it in a way that feels fresh and new. I love that.
This won't be a long post because it's been a really really long day. At midnight my roommate realized the toilet was screwed up. However, because he's a BAMF, he was able to obtain the parts from Walmart and fix it. Hopefully. I'd rather things be US fixed than "wow look how the plumber just took all our money" fixed. I need sleep now though. Seriously need sleep.
I'll write a real post tomorrow.
This won't be a long post because it's been a really really long day. At midnight my roommate realized the toilet was screwed up. However, because he's a BAMF, he was able to obtain the parts from Walmart and fix it. Hopefully. I'd rather things be US fixed than "wow look how the plumber just took all our money" fixed. I need sleep now though. Seriously need sleep.
I'll write a real post tomorrow.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Heal Heal Revolution
This is a really good article about the history of blood typing and some of the odd things that have happened to it over the years. Is it odd that I'm rather fascinated by the concept of blood types but can't remember what mine is? Actually, I think that's less "odd" than just "irresponsible." Okay, it's odd too.
Anyway, yes, I'm strangely fascinated by blood types. I think it's really cool that in some cases you can donate to everyone, but can only take blood from your own kind (O-), but if you're AB+, you can take blood from anyone . . . but only donate to other AB+ people. It creates its own drama, doesn't it? The generous O- people who must give to everyone, but so little can be given back. The lucky, gifted AB+ who give so little to everyone else. I'm sure this doesn't work out to be the personality type, but I can see why people view it that way.
What is filling me with weird joy about the article though, is that recently, a girl's body did something that broke all the rules about blood types. Blood typing is in our DNA. Like having blue eyes or black hair, it's something we're coded to have and we're stuck with it.
However, this girl, who had to have a liver transplant, managed to change all of this. Her body was having a difficult time accepting the new organ. They feared she would reject it and, at best, she was facing a lifetime of medications that would lessen the chances of rejection. The problem is, how these meds work is by suppressing the immune system . . . meaning you're more vulnerable to any other type of illness.
This girl's body has changed all of that for her. Well, actually, the new liver did. It seems that stem cells from the liver got into her blood marrow and rewrote her blood type so that her body could accept the liver without a problem. Now, she has health and no anti-rejection meds. Her body won't reject the liver because it altered the system in order to accept it.
I'm overjoyed for this girl, and very interested in the implications of this. For instance, instead of suppressing the immune system (which makes the body weaker), is there a way we can encourage the system to actively seek ways to adapt to the new organ? This would be a strengthening of the system and a path towards independence.
I've always had a fundamental issue with medical treatments that weaken the body or push it into a deeper state of crisis than it already is. I get that in some cases we have no choice. However, if anything, this case is proving their might be choices out there. People should play to their strengths, and as a species, we should collectively play to our strengths.
As far as I am concerned, the greatest strength that humans have is our ability to adapt to circumstances and solve the problems and puzzles to make the situation work for us. To me, this girl's altered state is proof of how amazing this strength is.
Anyway, yes, I'm strangely fascinated by blood types. I think it's really cool that in some cases you can donate to everyone, but can only take blood from your own kind (O-), but if you're AB+, you can take blood from anyone . . . but only donate to other AB+ people. It creates its own drama, doesn't it? The generous O- people who must give to everyone, but so little can be given back. The lucky, gifted AB+ who give so little to everyone else. I'm sure this doesn't work out to be the personality type, but I can see why people view it that way.
What is filling me with weird joy about the article though, is that recently, a girl's body did something that broke all the rules about blood types. Blood typing is in our DNA. Like having blue eyes or black hair, it's something we're coded to have and we're stuck with it.
However, this girl, who had to have a liver transplant, managed to change all of this. Her body was having a difficult time accepting the new organ. They feared she would reject it and, at best, she was facing a lifetime of medications that would lessen the chances of rejection. The problem is, how these meds work is by suppressing the immune system . . . meaning you're more vulnerable to any other type of illness.
This girl's body has changed all of that for her. Well, actually, the new liver did. It seems that stem cells from the liver got into her blood marrow and rewrote her blood type so that her body could accept the liver without a problem. Now, she has health and no anti-rejection meds. Her body won't reject the liver because it altered the system in order to accept it.
I'm overjoyed for this girl, and very interested in the implications of this. For instance, instead of suppressing the immune system (which makes the body weaker), is there a way we can encourage the system to actively seek ways to adapt to the new organ? This would be a strengthening of the system and a path towards independence.
I've always had a fundamental issue with medical treatments that weaken the body or push it into a deeper state of crisis than it already is. I get that in some cases we have no choice. However, if anything, this case is proving their might be choices out there. People should play to their strengths, and as a species, we should collectively play to our strengths.
As far as I am concerned, the greatest strength that humans have is our ability to adapt to circumstances and solve the problems and puzzles to make the situation work for us. To me, this girl's altered state is proof of how amazing this strength is.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
To Rush, with Love
Dear Mr. Limbaugh,
I try my best, as any rational person does, to ignore you. However, on hearing of your recent request to have videos of all the womens who will receive assistance with their birth control bills having sex, I thought I should ask some questions.
I don't currently get birth control pills because of other health issues. When those issues are handled, I should get on the pill because I have PCOS. Birth control pills are used to help in managing the various issues caused by PCOS and are a standard treatment for it. Like many women who suffer with this condition, it will probably improve my life a lot.
Of course, this means I will fall into your little group of the many women out there you are now paying to have sex, as you see it. And you'll be wanting a video. This is a completely reasonable and logical request, with no sexism or proof that you are a horrible bitter old sack of rat guts at all. In fact, like the millions of other women out there who are now to send you videos, I'm quite happy to do so.
The problem is, I don't have sex with other people. I don't care what others do, but it's not something I want to happen in my life. It's not for religious reasons. I'm not waiting until marriage, because I certainly don't want to get married. I guess I'm selfish and don't like to share my toy.
I'm sure you see my dilemma. You requested a video I just could, in no way, provide for you. So here is my question. Do you still want a video? I can send one. I even thought of some possible topics for it.
I try my best, as any rational person does, to ignore you. However, on hearing of your recent request to have videos of all the womens who will receive assistance with their birth control bills having sex, I thought I should ask some questions.
I don't currently get birth control pills because of other health issues. When those issues are handled, I should get on the pill because I have PCOS. Birth control pills are used to help in managing the various issues caused by PCOS and are a standard treatment for it. Like many women who suffer with this condition, it will probably improve my life a lot.
Of course, this means I will fall into your little group of the many women out there you are now paying to have sex, as you see it. And you'll be wanting a video. This is a completely reasonable and logical request, with no sexism or proof that you are a horrible bitter old sack of rat guts at all. In fact, like the millions of other women out there who are now to send you videos, I'm quite happy to do so.
The problem is, I don't have sex with other people. I don't care what others do, but it's not something I want to happen in my life. It's not for religious reasons. I'm not waiting until marriage, because I certainly don't want to get married. I guess I'm selfish and don't like to share my toy.
I'm sure you see my dilemma. You requested a video I just could, in no way, provide for you. So here is my question. Do you still want a video? I can send one. I even thought of some possible topics for it.
- I could send you a video of me brushing my teeth. I don't think that's very sexy, but it is a personal act that isn't anyone else's business, so maybe it would meet your requirement.
- I could send you a video of me doing something I enjoy, as I assume some people actually enjoy sex, and, as you imply, we slutty women enjoy it a lot. So, maybe a video of me eating or drinking coffee? I could send you a video of me playing Sims or listening to music. I could even sing along, which probably sounds as awkward and bad as most people do when they're having sex.
- I could send you a video of me reading to you about PCOS. It's not sexy at all, but, as it IS the reason I'd be taking the pills.
- I could make sock puppets of me and some imaginary man who doesn't annoy me but I still happen to find attractive and I could have the puppets have sex.
See, I just don't know what you want here. For so many of us, birth control pills just aren't about sex. I know this sounds whacky, but the female reproductive system affects all kinds of aspects of our lives, from our skin to our pain levels to whether of not we can manage to make it through the day without horrible cramps. I know all of that is a little bit more complex than just the idea of us being demandy things with hungry vaginae, but that is kind of the way things are.
I hope you respond soon so that we can get this handled. I know you, like Sally Brown, just want what is coming to you and your fair share of things. It's not like you're trying to punish women for wanting to have better access to birth control.
Of course not, because then you'd be sending us video of YOU having sex . . . and we'd all be forced to gouge out our eyes and set ourselves on fire to get the horror of that out of our minds.
Sincerely,
Blackhaired Barbie.
I hope you respond soon so that we can get this handled. I know you, like Sally Brown, just want what is coming to you and your fair share of things. It's not like you're trying to punish women for wanting to have better access to birth control.
Of course not, because then you'd be sending us video of YOU having sex . . . and we'd all be forced to gouge out our eyes and set ourselves on fire to get the horror of that out of our minds.
Sincerely,
Blackhaired Barbie.
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