Saturday of Distraction

I was so out of it today. Other than folding clothes, I couldn't even tell you what I did. Leap Day is always strange. It feels odd, like a holiday, yet not. Maybe it SHOULD be a holiday?

I think I'm going to have to just go back to glancing slightly at Facebook and then moving to something else. The politics and ignorance there is worse than usual. It probably will be until after the election. Sigh.

Improved Function

I reorganized some storage containers to make room for some other things. I also reorganized my top 'catch all' drawer next to me. I'm still rethinking the stuff on my shelves. It may have to change again. I'm not sure yet.

There are more things working now than there were before. I have several things around me that are functioning in an organized and easy manner. This is progress. I mean, sure other things are still sliding and falling and being a bitch, but we're getting there.

Oh! I also talked to my SIL today and made arrangements to get rid of some family pictures and clothes hangers. This will clear out even more room in the house.

One experiment that didn't work was hanging that extra basket on my shelf. It just never really functioned like I needed it to. I removed it tonight. It's strange. That basket functioned so well in our last house but just doesn't seem to have a place here. I guess that happens sometimes.

Not Enough

Today my roommate and I talked about the guilt people often have about their own existence. I know for people with good self-esteem and parents who raised you with love, that may sound odd. However, for a lot of the rest of us, this is something we feel every single day. You feel guilty about wanting better for yourself. You feel shame for having dirty clothes or a period. You feel shame for, well, like I said, existing.

It means you won't do certain things for yourself, like seek medical treatment or take care of yourself or ask for help when you really need it. It means you will stay in bad relationships, bad jobs, and bad situations because you feel you don't deserve better.

People always ask those who have been abused why they stayed so long. I don't think they take into consideration that abusers target people who have mentally broken already, or, at least, on the verge of breaking.

I sometimes wonder how many things in my life have slipped through my fingers just because I assumed I didn't deserve them. And the crazy thing is, I probably have better self-esteem than a lot of people. I fought for what little I have, you know. I had to, given that my mother and her husbands did everything they could to make sure I never had any.

Hahahah. Grammarly is trying to get me to correct 'husbands.' Sorry, app. You need to accept that some people are married more than once.

Small Changes

I added a cheap, task light strip to the top of my shelf today. My roommate installed it for me. It is already improving my living situation. The Shoulder Cat was DEEPLY ANGRY when the light was being installed. She's so spoiled.

One of my favorite comments that Marie Kondo made was that if things frustrate you while you're working on something, do a small thing to change the energy. She suggested lighting a candle or ringing a bell, putting on music or something like that. I think this is true in a more general way with your life. If something is frustrating you, stop doing it. Walk away, change your energy, consider it from another perspective, then tackle it again.

I'm kind of in the middle of that with this little shelf I tried to add to my larger shelf. In theory, it's a good idea and it would help things a lot. In practice, it's a pain and it isn't working at all. I'm thinking it may have to go, but I'm not sure yet.

Things are getting kind of unbearable around my chair. It's kind of been the holding ground for various projects, my bags, and some stuff I don't know what to do with as of yet. I think tomorrow I'm going to change that, as much as I can. I bet I find like three or four knitting needles on the floor.

I'll keep you posted.

A Quiet Tuesday

I did the second coat on the project tonight. I also added some watercolor paint and a few extra scraps of paper. I like the middle portion of it, but not the outer bits. I'll have to see tomorrow if my changes made a difference. If not, I may have to add some more paper.

Tomorrow a lot of stuff will leave the house. The more I hone my world to just the things I want in it, the better off I'll be. There is no need for so much excess. I have too much. I'm a dragon, hoarding junk and broken things.

The cat is upset with me because I keep moving her. Looks like she's going to stay on my shoulder from now on. That's fine. I need the love and attention. I don't need the scratches and growling, but the love is nice.

Art Experiment

Today I did my test run of the art project. I'm glad I did this before I started working on the project I really want to do because I learned quite a lot of stuff. I also made quite a few mistakes, though some of them turned out to work in my favor.

One of the main things I'll need to do is test my pieces before I work on them. I used an ink drawing I did when I was a teen on this test project and it ran quite a lot. In the end, I liked the effect, however, I do not want that happening with my other pieces. I need to test and make sure that won't be a problem. If it is, I'm sure someone else has had the problem before and I can research ways around it.

I also figured out I need more clean space. I was working on a tray table, but my access to my desk was limited because of things I had piled on there. I need to make sure I don't pile stuff on there when I do this again because I need room for my equipment. I probably need a plastic bag or something to rest my brushes on. It might even be easier if I find an old plate or messed up piece of Tupperware to pour some of the glue on so that I'm not constantly dipping from the bottle and running the risk of dropping it.

I think I also need some back support. I have an old reading pillow I can probably use to prop behind me. By the end, I was getting tired and the other piece I'll be doing is far larger.

However, this was a lot of fun. I enjoyed it and I look forward to seeing what I can do next.

Lower Closet

The lower part of the closet is completed. There is a lot less stuff in there now. Most of what was in there was broken or beyond repair. Everything else is sorted and nice. I have a few things in there that will leave the house soon.

Once the closet is finished, I guess I'll try to take apart the desk, save what I can, and get the rest of it out of the house. The desk and the upper closet are the last parts that need to be fixed. Past that, the room will basically be functional.

Because a lot of stuff needs to leave the house, I'm not going to be working on any kind of organizing or cleaning until after Wednesday. I'll try to do some art between then and now. Hopefully, my mood will let that happen.

The Unexpected Trip

So today we got the rest of the stuff out of the closet. I had even MORE hair curlers from the 80s in there. All of that is getting tossed. Seriously, two boxes of hair stuff. And none of it ever made my hair curl properly. None of it. I wonder how much time, energy, and HOPE I wasted trying to get my hair to curl.

Anyway.....

Once everything was out of the closet, my roommate noticed there was a large gap between the closet wall and the actual wall, thus solving the mysteries of why my room was so cold and how mice were getting inside the house. So even though we did not plan on leaving the house today, we found we had to so that supplies to fix the gap could be purchased. We also bought some art stuff for me. More on that later.

Once the closet was properly fixed, my roommate installed a curtain. I was against the curtain idea at first. I always hated them as a kid. My roommate pointed out that I needed to access the closet though because part of the problem with the closet was that the stuff I had over it before was basically keeping me from using the space. There was logic to this, so I agreed to the curtain.

I'm not mad about how it turned out, actually. I asked him to get a black curtain because I knew that would contrast nicely with all of the white lines. I also knew he would get one that was plain and straight, which would keep it looking streamlined.

He did that stuff for me and I cleaned the shelving unit that lives in the closet. It was deeply nasty. I also vacuumed in there and around the area.

The top of the closet will hold blankets and whatever else we can put up there that is needed but not often. The bottom of the closet will hold things I really DO need to keep in storage, plus my little vacuum and some other cleaning things I wanted to keep in the front of the house.

It's really going to function more as like a hall closet or a utility closet than a bedroom one, but I really didn't need closet space for my clothing as I don't really wear things that need to be hangers. At my size, hangers don't really work with my clothes anyway. 

So yeah, more stuff was purchased, but it was stuff that we really had no way around.

Also, I have to admit that my vision for how the bedroom would eventually look is having to change. The curtain, removing some furniture, finding some unexpected elements for art, and other changes are guiding it in a new direction. I'm completely okay with that. It's actually neat that it's evolving in ways I didn't know would happen. In the end, I think I'll be more satisfied with it because of that.

The Car Thing

The car thing turned out just to be a tire issue. The tires are all still under warranty so that was fine. I'm still worn out from the stress though. I managed to get nothing accomplished today. Tomorrow we're shopping so I'm not sure what will happen there either. I'm hoping to work stuff in this weekend. We'll see.

Other than that, the day was fine. I talked to my brother about a book for a while. I'm making up a box for him of pictures of our mom. I considered keeping them but I just don't do the whole 'hang up pictures of people' thing. . . . unless it's me.

It's supposed to get really cold tonight and I suspect I will have a snuggle buddy in the form of a grumpy old cat. Stay warm, everyone.

So MORE Car Stuff

WHY?

Why can it never just be ONE THING with my car? WHY does it always have to be many trips to the mechanic at once, day after day, me thinking it's fixed and then somehow SOMEHOW it's just not?

Needless to say, the car goes back to the mechanic tomorrow. I'm so not happy about this.

Cars, Boxes, and Teeth Metaphors

The car was making a scary sound so we took her to the mechanics today. About $150.00 and I have new back brakes. The scary sound seems to be gone. Yay.

I got through all the boxes of stuff in the upper section of my closet. I'm going to have to spend some money because while I don't really want rid of all of the things up there, I don't want them displayed either. I'm opting for under bed storage to hold pictures/frames/papers I want to keep. I'll get them as organized as possible in those and then figure out what to do with them later.

I also found the majority of the stuff I need to make my collage art. There was a lot of old and damaged paper for me to work with. I even found some cool mats for smaller pieces.

The walls are difficult in my house, but I still think there needs to be more art in it. Empty walls just make the place feel temporary and it looks like it isn't going to be. It's weird that we were better decorated in the trailer that we knew was only for a while than we are here. Then again, a lot has happened since then. I mean, I want this to happen, but I am also not going to push things too fast because there is only so much either of us can do at any given time. The house has limitations, though I think there are solutions. I just need to suss them out.

Some people would argue that I'm wasting my time because the majority of what I'm doing is cosmetic. I think they underestimate how much cosmetic changes can make in a home. I mean, yes, we need the structural stuff fixed too, but we don't have the money or skill for that. And just because we can't fix the structural doesn't mean it's pointless to fix the cosmetics.

It's like teeth. A lot of people have tooth issues and have to opt for veneers. Veneers do not fix your teeth. In fact, you have to do more damage to the teeth you have in order to prep them for veneer placement. It does not alter the fact that your teeth are bad.

However, it does give you the appearance of healthy teeth. This means you get treated better. This means you can get a better job. This means you have more confidence when you smile. Is it a costly coating over a bigger problem? Yes. Can it still make your life better? Also yes.

Mind you, I don't believe that is the case in all things. The people down the street put a veneer of stone over their rotty old house walls and it fell off within a couple of months. You have to pick and choose what you decide to put effort into. However, doing NOTHING certainly means things won't get better. Also removing stuff from the house means less chances of it catching on fire.

Recognition

One of my Youtube obsessions is Living Big in a Tiny House. For one thing, I think Bryce Langston is adorable. For another, while I do not wish to live in a tiny house myself, I really admire what people can do with them. As much as I love the show just for architecture porn, sometimes it has these moments of so much more. This happened twice today.

In one episode, Bryce pointed out to the woman he was interviewing how it must be a joy to wake up in a home that was a product of her own hard work and creativity. She paused for a second and then got this joyous look on her face as she realized how true this was. It was beautiful.

In another episode, Bryce went to this woman's house and asked her what inspired her to build it. She told him that he had a lot to do with it because she's been watching his show for quite a while. Bryce is always fairly upbeat and gracious in his interviews, but in that moment, he really looked humbled by the idea that he could inspire someone so much. In its own way, it was the product of HIS hard work and dedication that had sparked this woman's new life. Given the level of passion he puts into the Tiny House Movement, this was neat to witness.

There is a LOT of ugliness out there in the world, but I will always always ALWAYS maintain that the true key to making that ugliness less ugly is with creativity. Art inspires. Art uplifts. Art offers freedom. It always will.

Paper

So in Marie Kondo's organizing style, Paper is its own category. Like everything else, she gives people a full week to go through their papers. I didn't quite grasp why this had to happen until I started going through my own.

Ugggh. Paper really does take forever. You have to look at every piece of it to see if it's still important. You may have paper from 30 years ago sitting around in your house. There will be pictures and cards and notes and so much paper. It's a mess.

I'm having to force myself to keep any pictures of me. I hate them. Not because I think I look ugly in them. It's more that I just kind of loathe who I was at that time. It's hard to focus on the good points about me when the hell I was going through or the stupid crushes or the cringy behavior was just so massive. I tossed out memory books and stuff like that too. I just don't want that in my life.

Hopefully the paper will be finished in LESS than a week. We'll see. I think there will be massive purging here.

The Bed

The Bed is here. It is in its place and made. It ended up being a lot of drama and hassle to make that happen. Everything that could have gone wrong, did. It was a deeply stressful day. However, for the first time in about 12 years, I have a new bed.

That bed leaves with my deepest gratitude. It saw me through some of the scariest nights of my life. It certainly saw me through the most painful nights of my life. That bed held me as I recovered from surgery and kept me alive as I almost bled to death.

It needed to go. It was broken and wires were jutting out of it. Still, it was a companion in dark times. I am truly thankful for it.

As is the case with any major purchase and the end of any phase of a project, my feelings are mixed. The elation I felt two days ago has faded. Now I just kind of feel raw and scared. I wonder if anything I'm doing is really worth doing. I'm sure that will abate. I just feel down right now. Tomorrow is another day.

Purchased

Today the bed was purchased. Tomorrow the bed will be delivered. My brain is trying to make me worry about a million things at once, but I am choosing to ignore the worries and just be happy with the accomplishment.

I also organized a couple of drawers around my work station and re-organized my makeup case. I culled out a lot of broken stuff and put things in zones. It makes a lot more sense now. I also think I'll be able to keep things zoned in the case and therefore keep my makeup situation from getting messy again.

All of my lip balms are now in ONE place, which will make it easier for me to get through them. Did I mention I got new ones for Christmas? Sigh.

Anyway, BED IS BOUGHT! This is a good day.

Victory

Assuming we find something suitable, tomorrow we will be buying my new mattress. This is the goal I've been working on for a while. I've been trying to get my room in a good enough state to where getting the old mattress off and moving a new one in wouldn't be a massive hassle.

I am very proud of myself for reaching this goal. I am very thankful to my roommate who helped me a lot to make this happen. I am deeply happy about this

An Actual Purchase

I got a little 3 in 1 light vac today. I mean, it's basically a glorified dustbuster, but still. It gathers up a lot of stuff and has decentish power. I'm going to keep it in my room and try to impress a quick vacuuming routine into my life.

It doesn't hold a lot, but enough to really gather up the nasties in the room. The best part is, it's very light. The oldass one we have is heavy and difficult for me to handle.

So tomorrow will be Floor Day. I also need to re-locate some stuff. Once I do that, things should start looking a lot better in the room.

I know I said I wasn't going to buy stuff for this project, but I see a vacuum as more of a general purchase. The bed, too, of course, will be purchased, but that is a NEED TO HAPPEN thing. It's been over ten years.

Rough Round of Sorting

I went through the tubs today. I didn't purge much out of them, but things got resorted and resituated. It's possible that may happen again before this is all over. I'm not sure.

What I am sure of is that this part was really hard. Sitting in the chair was painful and the whole process was taxing and rough. I panicked a couple of times because I couldn't reach things and I was basically stuck in place. With my roommate's help, I finally finished, but it was  A LOT.

This week I need to get the floor cleaned. After that, I need to get my pillow situation handled. A lot of them are really old and rather dysfunctional at this point. Anything that isn't working needs to be removed. There is no point in me keeping things that just cause annoyance.

Once the pillows are handled, I will be ready for the new bed. Realistically, I could possibly have a new bed before March. Given that this prospect seemed a little hopeless when I started, it's neat to be this close.

The Chair Issue

Today I finally got all of the clothing and dresser stuff situated. Everything has a place. I know where all of it is. All of it is folded. Nothing is bunched up in drawers that won't open. I am very happy about this.

Well, but also my chair broke. The task chair I've been using for about the last seven or eight years popped a wheel off. The chair was pretty inexpensive when we bought it, so the fact that it's lasted this long is kind of amazing.

Still, the fact that it broke put a damper on my day of Dresser Victory. Oh well, I accomplished a task and I'm happy. Maybe not as happy as I would have been, but still happy.

Keys

When I first heard about Marie Kondo, it was all second-hand information from people who were pretty resistant to what she was doing. In fact, the main thing most people talked about was how she wanted you to get rid of all your books (this is in no way true) and how she was very exacting and strict. She was presented as some kind of Tiger Mom of tidying. Once I watched the show, I realized how far from the truth this was.

Marie Kondo, at least as she is presented on the show, is a deeply spiritual sweetheart goofball with a delightful sense of humor and a beautiful way of looking at the world. I don't completely hold with all of her beliefs, but I see the validity in them. I certainly wish I had been raised to view my home/things as organic and spiritual aspects of my life that I should strive to live in harmony with. I love her idea of not 'doing chores' but of keeping a house tidy because it is the best way to find happiness.

And, okay, DO I believe that a tidy house is a key element to happiness? Right now, I'm not sure. A great deal of my being wants to scream "NO THAT DOES NOT MATTER" because that part of me is still in a mental war with my grandmother. I mean, honestly, a tidy house was not my grandmother's key to happiness. She saw cleaning as a burden and a path to martyrdom.

But the other part of me kind of wants to note that I do like the way things look when the room isn't messy. I do enjoy folding my clothes. I do find that I am delighted when I can actually get one of my giant tent-like pieces of clothing to really fold in a perfect way. So maybe, if I keep this up, tidying can become a key to happiness for me.

In either case, I certainly will be even more hesitant than usual when it comes to people's opinions about what women are doing.

Careless Memory

I've been on a nostalgia kick lately. I've been listening to music I've not messed with since I was in my early teens and reading stuff on LiveJournal.

I seriously miss LiveJournal. I know I've said that before. I'm almost to the point of opening an account there because most of my favorite authors still use it. It's also a good place to find a lot of fanfic that hasn't been moved to one of the archived fanfic sites.

Anyway, I think it's important to do this. I've been deep in the SAD lately and I need to do whatever I can to keep my mind calm and focused, especially as I have goals and tasks right now.

Plus, sometimes it's just a lot of fun to revisit the things that make you happy.

Rainy Yick

I've been designing a lot of stuff in my head, none of which has yet to be translated into reality. We'll see if maybe I can get some of that accomplished this week. It would certainly be nice.

It's raining today and could be snowing before Friday. Look, just as long as I can get my trash to the curb without slipping, I'm happy. Just let me accomplish my goals, mkay?

I ate a lot of veggies today. My friend had a tray of them that she keeps replenishing when it gets low. The raw broc, cauliflower, and peppers were really good.

I'm hurting pretty badly tonight and my mind is very unfocused. Earlier today I was on the verge of a panic attack, but I think that was just the SAD. Hopefully. At least the cat is keeping my warm and comforted now.

Hot Monday

I slept in this morning, which is annoying because I was having a stress dream. By the time I was up, we had to leave for shopping. I didn't take my pain meds and suffered for it later in the day.

Aside from one task, I didn't accomplish much today. The pain was a lot and it was almost 80. In the summer that would be a luxury, but in the middle of winter it's an uncomfortable shock to the system.

I think I'll just pet the cat and read until bedtime.

A Weekend of Highs and Lows

After not doing much on Friday, I made up for it on Saturday. I finished off the last storage box of my winter clothes, did a macro-sorting on all of the yarn (meaning, I know where it all is, all of it is contained, and basically that's about it), and folded some laundry.

IN FACT, when I saw my basket of laundry, instead of feeling overwhelmed and annoyed, I felt an itch in my fingers to make it all folded and even. This is a good start. If only the folded clothes looked as good in reality as they do in my mind. I mean, they will (hopefully) with practice, but now they just look, well.....okay, listen, at least I folded them.

Anyway, despite doing all of that, I still had kind of a down night on Saturday. I was sore, for one thing, and kind of sniffly after all the yarn-touching. I felt like I wasn't making progress. I felt like I was just shifting junk from one container to the next.

Then I realized no matter what, I'm still doing a purge on my room and on some other things and it's STILL getting better. My room feels much nicer and even though this will take a long while and things are still rather filthy, at least it's better than it was a month ago. Progress, even the slowest of progress, is happening.

In my head, I know how I want my room to eventually look.

Wood tones: Dark
Surfaces of furniture: Dark to black, copper overlays, distressed.
Metal: Copper, antiqued
Colors: the tones of old paper, a lighter and then deeper green, burgundy.
Color for Contrast: Muted blues.

I think I can do this. Actually, I think I can do this without even spending much money if I just accept I have to do it slowly and with my own stuff. I may have to barter for a couple of things.

Anyway, clearly, I'm in a better mood. The weekend ended on a high.