So the plumbers didn't come today. I think this is part of the theme of "no one shows up or does anything on time no matter how much we need it" week. At least waiting for the plumber didn't involve me being naked from the waist down. Usually you're only naked and waiting for the plumber in porn.
I was in some pain today from the stuff I had to do yesterday. I know it will disappear, but it wasn't fun. We're edging out of September and I'm really hoping it will begin to cool down. The fact that I'm still running three fans in my room is rather annoying. I'm still wearing shorts too. This is also annoying. Get cold, dammit.
Ebola has some to the US and got more press than the Beatles coming to the US. My various medical professional friends made commentary about this. No one seems that worried about it. I'll refer back to this post if we have mass dying on the streets in a few months. No, seriously, I know they're right. Our health care system, as much as we complain about it, is quite well equipped to deal with this.
After being in several hospitals over the first part of the year, I'm really pretty impressed with how organized they are. I still think the most impressive bit of organization was when I had the pic line put in my arm. Those people were so amazingly efficient. Had I not been so panicky and in so much pain, I would have really been in awe of how well they worked.
Anyway, that was my day . . . hot, full of waiting, and lots of news over Ebola. May the plumber come, may it cool down, and may we all retain our health.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Monday, September 29, 2014
Doctor Disappointment
My doctor, who was gone from work without warning a couple of weeks back, is still trying to get all of her prescriptions refilled. Not mine. I had my oncologist do mine. It was one less thing I had to worry about today when I went to see her for my first vaginal swab. This was good, because I was just worried about the swab in general. I don't want more cancer. I also didn't want to take my clothes off in front of people. I hoped that my appointment would go smoothly and quickly, so I could go back to the safety of my home.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha!
What I failed to realize is that if you leave work unexpectedly for a week, you have a week's worth of appointments that you have to redo. It will take quite a while to do this and even when you're, say, several weeks past this absence, you will still have a hoard of people in your office, trying to get their stuff handled.
Due to this, I ended up waiting for quite a while to get in to see her. When I finally did, I was instructed to remove my lower clothing and cover up with the paper sheet. Her office was probably like 60 degrees or something, and I was on a table, covered in a sheet, for an hour. AN HOUR! I was freezing and angry and hungry.
I suppose the only good thing about all of this is that I was so exhausted and pissed off that I forgot to be nervous about what was going on. By the time she finally got to me, I told her the stuff I felt I needed to tell her and just let her do what she needed to do. Over all, that part of it didn't last very long. I do kind of wish I could have just done the swab myself. I would have been out so much earlier.
Anyway, we'll see how this goes. I really hope nothing is happening down there. I'm tired of doctors and cold rooms and naked.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha!
What I failed to realize is that if you leave work unexpectedly for a week, you have a week's worth of appointments that you have to redo. It will take quite a while to do this and even when you're, say, several weeks past this absence, you will still have a hoard of people in your office, trying to get their stuff handled.
Due to this, I ended up waiting for quite a while to get in to see her. When I finally did, I was instructed to remove my lower clothing and cover up with the paper sheet. Her office was probably like 60 degrees or something, and I was on a table, covered in a sheet, for an hour. AN HOUR! I was freezing and angry and hungry.
I suppose the only good thing about all of this is that I was so exhausted and pissed off that I forgot to be nervous about what was going on. By the time she finally got to me, I told her the stuff I felt I needed to tell her and just let her do what she needed to do. Over all, that part of it didn't last very long. I do kind of wish I could have just done the swab myself. I would have been out so much earlier.
Anyway, we'll see how this goes. I really hope nothing is happening down there. I'm tired of doctors and cold rooms and naked.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Nervous About Tomorrow
I've been nervous all day. Tomorrow I go in for my three month swab to see if any cancer is growing. That seemed so simple and so easy when I made the appointment. Now I'm on edge about it. What if they find more? What if there are questionable things going on? What if this isn't over?
I'm going to try not to think about it and just get as much rest as I can. Part of me wants to just assume nothing is happening, but how many times in the last year have I assumed that and been proven so very wrong. I don't want to be wrong again, but then again, I'd like to be in the place where I can just emotionally rest about this whole matter and not worry about it either. I'm not sure that will ever be the case.
Like with every other aspect of this process though, all I can do is try to calm my nerves and just show up to the appointments.
I'm going to try not to think about it and just get as much rest as I can. Part of me wants to just assume nothing is happening, but how many times in the last year have I assumed that and been proven so very wrong. I don't want to be wrong again, but then again, I'd like to be in the place where I can just emotionally rest about this whole matter and not worry about it either. I'm not sure that will ever be the case.
Like with every other aspect of this process though, all I can do is try to calm my nerves and just show up to the appointments.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Expressing Gratitude
I guess it was a couple of weeks ago when I was reading an article about how to compliment the people in your life. Instead of just saying "You're pretty," it is far better to be specific about your praise, especially if it can be framed in such a way that demonstrates something the other person actually did instead of something they just are. "I love what you did with your hair." "I really enjoy the way you match colors for your outfits." This way, the person accepts the compliment as sincere (which you should always mean anyway) because it isn't some vague platitude.
I think this can also be said when showing gratitude to someone. Mind you, saying 'thank you' is always good, but it can become rather habitual and lose meaning if you do it often. When you live with someone, work with someone, or have them in your life for an extended period of time, I believe it is important to make sure they know you don't take them for granted. People deserve to be appreciated, especially the ones who make your life easier.
For example, if someone cooks for you, thank them for the meal. Compliment what they did. "I really liked your choice of side veggies." "I think the way you spice this dish is wonderful." It lets them know that you are really paying attention to what they did. It also has the side benefit of letting them know what you like.
Oh, and before anyone gets suspicious about this, I'm not trying to hint about myself here. I feel valued. In fact, after I clean the litter box, one of the cats always comes and nuzzles on me. Only the one though. The other bitches could care less.
I think this can also be said when showing gratitude to someone. Mind you, saying 'thank you' is always good, but it can become rather habitual and lose meaning if you do it often. When you live with someone, work with someone, or have them in your life for an extended period of time, I believe it is important to make sure they know you don't take them for granted. People deserve to be appreciated, especially the ones who make your life easier.
For example, if someone cooks for you, thank them for the meal. Compliment what they did. "I really liked your choice of side veggies." "I think the way you spice this dish is wonderful." It lets them know that you are really paying attention to what they did. It also has the side benefit of letting them know what you like.
Oh, and before anyone gets suspicious about this, I'm not trying to hint about myself here. I feel valued. In fact, after I clean the litter box, one of the cats always comes and nuzzles on me. Only the one though. The other bitches could care less.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Never Date You
In retaliation to the #heforshe campaign, some men have started publicly stating that they would never date a feminist. One of the men even ended his statement with "Ladies, make your choices." I am sure you can imagine that the feminists around the world collectively chuckle every time one of these guys says this. As did I, honestly. However, I would like to take the time to turn this into a teachable moment.
First of all, I'm not insulted that people choose not to date feminists. Everyone has the right to make choices about what kind of people they wish to date. I accepted this many years ago, when I realized it was wrong for me to be annoyed when someone would say they didn't want to date a fat girl, but felt perfectly fine about my choice to never date a Republican. Everyone has the right to decide who will be a part of their romantic life.
When someone states flat out that they would never date _______, they are actually doing everyone a favor. There are so many people in the world, even so many people in our communities. We need as many filters for selecting potential mates as possible. People who have strong opinions about who they want make this easier for us. If they won't date anyone who is a feminist or fat or a folk singer, then all those people who fit into those groups can just nod and move on.
After all, this is far less insidious than the people who really don't WANT to date people like you, but instead of just saying that, they spend their time trying to change you. It's like the guy who doesn't want to date anyone above a size 2, but starts dating you when you're a size 16. He makes it quite clear that he isn't happy about the situation and then starts trying to change you. It saves everyone a lot of pain and anguish if he just ignores everyone out of his 'range' and goes of the girls who are in it.
And you might argue that when people just outright remove whole groups of people because they aspire to a philosophy or a religion or happen to look a certain way is limiting their potential happiness. And you know what? It completely is. However, that really isn't my problem. Any time we make a choice, we are walking away from all other options. It's just the nature of the process.
Most importantly, if someone tells you that they won't date you because of some aspect of who you are, don't feel ashamed about that. Don't feel threatened or defensive. And most certainly do not change for them. If they don't like that one aspect of who you are, they probably won't be comfortable with a whole myriad of other aspects as well. More importantly, if they don't like aspects about you, you probably won't like much about them either.
So gentlemen, more power to you. Thank you so much for being honest about your feelings. Let us all walk away, breath a sigh of relief, and be happy that we never have to share an awkward dinner conversation.
First of all, I'm not insulted that people choose not to date feminists. Everyone has the right to make choices about what kind of people they wish to date. I accepted this many years ago, when I realized it was wrong for me to be annoyed when someone would say they didn't want to date a fat girl, but felt perfectly fine about my choice to never date a Republican. Everyone has the right to decide who will be a part of their romantic life.
When someone states flat out that they would never date _______, they are actually doing everyone a favor. There are so many people in the world, even so many people in our communities. We need as many filters for selecting potential mates as possible. People who have strong opinions about who they want make this easier for us. If they won't date anyone who is a feminist or fat or a folk singer, then all those people who fit into those groups can just nod and move on.
After all, this is far less insidious than the people who really don't WANT to date people like you, but instead of just saying that, they spend their time trying to change you. It's like the guy who doesn't want to date anyone above a size 2, but starts dating you when you're a size 16. He makes it quite clear that he isn't happy about the situation and then starts trying to change you. It saves everyone a lot of pain and anguish if he just ignores everyone out of his 'range' and goes of the girls who are in it.
And you might argue that when people just outright remove whole groups of people because they aspire to a philosophy or a religion or happen to look a certain way is limiting their potential happiness. And you know what? It completely is. However, that really isn't my problem. Any time we make a choice, we are walking away from all other options. It's just the nature of the process.
Most importantly, if someone tells you that they won't date you because of some aspect of who you are, don't feel ashamed about that. Don't feel threatened or defensive. And most certainly do not change for them. If they don't like that one aspect of who you are, they probably won't be comfortable with a whole myriad of other aspects as well. More importantly, if they don't like aspects about you, you probably won't like much about them either.
So gentlemen, more power to you. Thank you so much for being honest about your feelings. Let us all walk away, breath a sigh of relief, and be happy that we never have to share an awkward dinner conversation.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Surprise Proof of Progress
When you embark on losing weight, one of the things that happens is that you sometimes see progress in the most unexpected of ways. This can be a great experience, like when you put on a hat that used to be tight and it's not. This can also be painful, like when you misjudge the size of your butt, miss the chair, and fall. The best examples of this, however, are times when it mostly proves just to be convenient.
I have to admit that one of the main things that keeps me motivated about losing weight (as much as I am ever motivated about anything) is the fact that being fat is inconvenient. The world is not designed for you. You have to be careful about what chairs you buy, about what kind of bedframe you use. In some vehicles, you can't use the seatbelts. In some restaurants, you can't fit into the booths. Depending on what all you have to do in a day, you may have to make tons of adjustments, just to find a way to fit into the world around you. That is far more work than one needs.
Today's moment of unexpected progress was a matter of convenience. Well, actually, it's somewhat a matter of annoyance. We have stray dogs in the neighborhood as well as some dogs that just never seem to be confined to the yards where they live. This has become a problem for setting out trash, because the dogs always want to tear into it. Because of this, we decided to start carrying out the heavy trashcans (that have lids) to the curb.
See, this is one of the things about losing weight that I wish more people would emphasize. Don't tell heavy people they'll be happier if they're thin. They know thin people and those bastards are never happy. Don't talk to them about their health, because until something serious happens, that is abstract at best. And certainly don't keep talking about how much prettier they will be, because fuck you.
When you get them to think about all the ways that being fat causes them inconvenience though, and how losing the weight, even SOME of the weight, will make things easier on them, I believe a lot of people would see the benefit. As they lose weight and find life to be less malfunctioning, they'll certainly see the benefit.
I have to admit that one of the main things that keeps me motivated about losing weight (as much as I am ever motivated about anything) is the fact that being fat is inconvenient. The world is not designed for you. You have to be careful about what chairs you buy, about what kind of bedframe you use. In some vehicles, you can't use the seatbelts. In some restaurants, you can't fit into the booths. Depending on what all you have to do in a day, you may have to make tons of adjustments, just to find a way to fit into the world around you. That is far more work than one needs.
Today's moment of unexpected progress was a matter of convenience. Well, actually, it's somewhat a matter of annoyance. We have stray dogs in the neighborhood as well as some dogs that just never seem to be confined to the yards where they live. This has become a problem for setting out trash, because the dogs always want to tear into it. Because of this, we decided to start carrying out the heavy trashcans (that have lids) to the curb.
I'm fat and even if I wasn't fat, I'd still have big boobs. And, until recently, I had that lipoma on my arm. All three of these factors made it difficult, if not impossible to carry that big, round trash can. Anything that is wide, heavy, and awkward isn't going to be carried well by me. I've already got enough wide, heavy, and awkward going on.
I am pleased to report, however, that carrying the trashcan wasn't so bad. With the lipoma gone and several weeks of working out my arms, I was able to hold the trashcan up high and away from my legs. This kept my legs from constantly bumping it. It also allowed me to somewhat rest the can against my breasts, meaning they actually worked for me in the process instead of against me (like they usually do). Due to my walking, I have more confidence in my sense of balance and pacing, so the fact that I couldn't watch my feet didn't bother me as much as it used to.
I am pleased to report, however, that carrying the trashcan wasn't so bad. With the lipoma gone and several weeks of working out my arms, I was able to hold the trashcan up high and away from my legs. This kept my legs from constantly bumping it. It also allowed me to somewhat rest the can against my breasts, meaning they actually worked for me in the process instead of against me (like they usually do). Due to my walking, I have more confidence in my sense of balance and pacing, so the fact that I couldn't watch my feet didn't bother me as much as it used to.
See, this is one of the things about losing weight that I wish more people would emphasize. Don't tell heavy people they'll be happier if they're thin. They know thin people and those bastards are never happy. Don't talk to them about their health, because until something serious happens, that is abstract at best. And certainly don't keep talking about how much prettier they will be, because fuck you.
When you get them to think about all the ways that being fat causes them inconvenience though, and how losing the weight, even SOME of the weight, will make things easier on them, I believe a lot of people would see the benefit. As they lose weight and find life to be less malfunctioning, they'll certainly see the benefit.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Progress at the Drug Store
Well, I finally have meds back again. In a week or two, maybe they'll kick back in and things won't be so horrible. Things really haven't been horrible, but between menopause and meds withdraw, it felt that way. No matter how many times you try to tell yourself that, as the days go on and your nerves just keep grating down, after a while, you just forget. I'm quite ready for the nice happy solace of my medication. My chemical romance.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering, my meds DID come from my cancer doctor, not my regular one. My act of proactivity paid off. If I'd just relied on here, I might not get meds until next week, and only then because I saw her. Oh yes, next week is my first swabbing for possible cancer spread. I am pretending not to be nervous about that.
I was cleaning off my junk table and noticed I still owned some nail polish. Given that it's still in existence, I've decided to attempt to paint my nails again. However, instead of just doing it the way I always do (which is . . . badly), I've been reading up on hacks that supposedly make it easier. I'm going to try them tomorrow. We'll see if it works.
I should clarify that I'm not doubting the hack is capable of working. One of the problems when people do experiments like this is that they fail to consider all factors. If the nail polish hack doesn't work for me, it doesn't mean the hack is flawed. It probably means that the hack works, but you STILL need someone with more nailpainting skills than I possess. I doubt I'll ever be good at that.
That's okay though. I've accepted that there are many things I will never be good at, even though I like them and practice them often. I will never be able to crochet an even hat. Even though I count everything. Even though I double check my counting. I don't know. It's something I'm screwing up when I move from one row to the next and no amount of instructional videos seems to help me. Just when I think I have the problem solved, I screw it up in some other way. This results in a lot of bafflement and wonky hats. Though, I do like my wonky hats.
Anyway, that's where things stand right now. I have meds. I have a cleaner junk table. I can't paint my nails and I can't crochet an even hat. Progress!
Oh, and just in case you were wondering, my meds DID come from my cancer doctor, not my regular one. My act of proactivity paid off. If I'd just relied on here, I might not get meds until next week, and only then because I saw her. Oh yes, next week is my first swabbing for possible cancer spread. I am pretending not to be nervous about that.
I was cleaning off my junk table and noticed I still owned some nail polish. Given that it's still in existence, I've decided to attempt to paint my nails again. However, instead of just doing it the way I always do (which is . . . badly), I've been reading up on hacks that supposedly make it easier. I'm going to try them tomorrow. We'll see if it works.
I should clarify that I'm not doubting the hack is capable of working. One of the problems when people do experiments like this is that they fail to consider all factors. If the nail polish hack doesn't work for me, it doesn't mean the hack is flawed. It probably means that the hack works, but you STILL need someone with more nailpainting skills than I possess. I doubt I'll ever be good at that.
That's okay though. I've accepted that there are many things I will never be good at, even though I like them and practice them often. I will never be able to crochet an even hat. Even though I count everything. Even though I double check my counting. I don't know. It's something I'm screwing up when I move from one row to the next and no amount of instructional videos seems to help me. Just when I think I have the problem solved, I screw it up in some other way. This results in a lot of bafflement and wonky hats. Though, I do like my wonky hats.
Anyway, that's where things stand right now. I have meds. I have a cleaner junk table. I can't paint my nails and I can't crochet an even hat. Progress!
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Observations on the Escape
I read this article today. It's about a woman who escaped from the Quiverfull movement by finally accepting that her husband (and the teachings of their beliefs) were grounded in systematic oppression of women and children. The article is very good and I suggest you read it. She does a wonderful job of showing how the Quiverfull movement operates within the cycle of abuse, but justifies it with Biblical teachings. I don't want to just repeat everything she says, so I'm just going to make some general observations.
- Nothing pleases me more than knowing I am the exact opposite of what these men would view as a worthwhile wife. I'm loud. I'm lazy. I'm crass. I'm fat. I'm sarcastic. I hate authority and mistrust anyone who thinks they have better ideas that I do. And yes, I realize that also makes me arrogant. Good. If I can think of other ways I could be unattractive to these men, awesome. OH WAIT! I can't have babies. Even better.
- This movement functions under the idea that women are corrupt and Satan uses them to lead men astray. I really have no interest in Satan being a part of it, but if it is ever within my power to beguile, breakdown, and destroy a man who is part of this cult, I so totes will do that. I'll do it and grin. I'll dance in his tears.
- It's interesting how so many people on the Right accuse everyone else of having an agenda, all the while so publicly pushing their own. Part of the basic tenets of Quiverfullness is to have so many children that you out populate everyone else and can take over by sheer numbers. These people view their babymaking as a war on everyone else.
- There is a lot a find creepy about these people, but I think what disturbs me the most is that they view grown, adult women as incapable of rational thinking and adult decisions. They see them as inferior and mentally less than . . and yet, despite that belief, have no qualms with having sex with them and getting them pregnant. News flash, if you have sex with someone who is mentally on a lower level than you, you are doing something wrong. You have an unfair advantage over them due to your superior mental abilities. As far as I am concerned, either you accept that the women are your equals . . .or you're all agreeing to be rapists.
And finally, I hope that people keep leaving this movement. I hope that women keep wising up to how horrible this is. I hope men wise up to how horrible this is. I hope the children can fight the brainwashing, isolation, and damage and walk away from this when they're legal to do so. I hope in the end, this is no more than a bunch of lonely narcissists, crying out into the void, wondering why no one talks to them, why no one respects them, and why their quiver is empty.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Happiness as Defined by Apathy
I read an article today about why Gen Xers are the most happy generation. There were a lot of solid reasons for it, though I think a lot of it boils down to just two basic concepts. And no, I don't believe this only applies to my generation. However, these are things we've had in practice for a long time so maybe it's slightly easier for us.
To begin with, finding happiness helps when you're not aspiring for 'the best.' The is probably nothing more happiness-wrecking than wanting 'the best.' It's not enough that you are a mother, you suddenly feel pressure to be The Best mother. If you don't achieve that, then you've failed. You can't just have a car, you need to have The Best car, otherwise, you're not trying hard enough. You have a girlfriend? Awesome. But if she's not The Best looking girlfriend, then you should keep trying to find a new one.
People who feel they must be, or feel entitled to always have The Best will never be happy people. There will always be someone better than you. Someone will always have the newer computer, the better job, the hotter lover. If you're always looking for something new, you'll never see the value in what is around you. If you always feel you have to accomplish more, you'll never feel the satisfaction of what you've already accomplished.
One of the reasons it's important to focus on what you have at the moment is that it's going to go away. I think Gen X people were raised to be aware that nothing is forever. Marriages fall apart. Economies tank. People die. And, of course, we grew up thinking that we'd all be killed by nukes from Russia. Then one day, even communism began to fall apart.
Nothing lasts forever. Everything is temporary. Even the things that feel like they last forever (like chronic illness, for example), alter over time as we learn to adjust for them. Jobs disappear. People die. Homes fall into sinkholes. Nothing in our lives is going to last. Nothing.
And while this may seem like a reason to be UNhappy, it really isn't once you learn to cope with it. One of my best friends once said he could get through even the most horrible college class if he just focused on the fact that it would eventually end. I got through the fear of my surgery by thinking about how things would be after the fact. There is always a beyond. There is always a 'past this.'
Knowing that also helps you to remember to focus on the Now. I have a 13 yr old cat and I know she won't be with me for long. Sometimes I'll watch her sleeping and her cute little poses and savor that. It's a temporary joy I am blessed to have right now. There is so much peace in the time I spend with her. I know it's fleeting. I know I will always love her, but my actual time with her is limited. I can either focus on annoying things that make me unhappy, or live in these moments of joy with her.
So, what some more happiness in your life? Try these two things. Accept that everything in your life is temporary. Enjoy the hell out of the good stuff and remember the bad stuff will eventually go away. In the meantime, don't feel like you have to be the best to be deserving. More importantly, don't feel like if you don't have the best that you're not getting what you deserve. Enjoy what you have right now. It may make all the difference.
To begin with, finding happiness helps when you're not aspiring for 'the best.' The is probably nothing more happiness-wrecking than wanting 'the best.' It's not enough that you are a mother, you suddenly feel pressure to be The Best mother. If you don't achieve that, then you've failed. You can't just have a car, you need to have The Best car, otherwise, you're not trying hard enough. You have a girlfriend? Awesome. But if she's not The Best looking girlfriend, then you should keep trying to find a new one.
People who feel they must be, or feel entitled to always have The Best will never be happy people. There will always be someone better than you. Someone will always have the newer computer, the better job, the hotter lover. If you're always looking for something new, you'll never see the value in what is around you. If you always feel you have to accomplish more, you'll never feel the satisfaction of what you've already accomplished.
One of the reasons it's important to focus on what you have at the moment is that it's going to go away. I think Gen X people were raised to be aware that nothing is forever. Marriages fall apart. Economies tank. People die. And, of course, we grew up thinking that we'd all be killed by nukes from Russia. Then one day, even communism began to fall apart.
Nothing lasts forever. Everything is temporary. Even the things that feel like they last forever (like chronic illness, for example), alter over time as we learn to adjust for them. Jobs disappear. People die. Homes fall into sinkholes. Nothing in our lives is going to last. Nothing.
And while this may seem like a reason to be UNhappy, it really isn't once you learn to cope with it. One of my best friends once said he could get through even the most horrible college class if he just focused on the fact that it would eventually end. I got through the fear of my surgery by thinking about how things would be after the fact. There is always a beyond. There is always a 'past this.'
Knowing that also helps you to remember to focus on the Now. I have a 13 yr old cat and I know she won't be with me for long. Sometimes I'll watch her sleeping and her cute little poses and savor that. It's a temporary joy I am blessed to have right now. There is so much peace in the time I spend with her. I know it's fleeting. I know I will always love her, but my actual time with her is limited. I can either focus on annoying things that make me unhappy, or live in these moments of joy with her.
So, what some more happiness in your life? Try these two things. Accept that everything in your life is temporary. Enjoy the hell out of the good stuff and remember the bad stuff will eventually go away. In the meantime, don't feel like you have to be the best to be deserving. More importantly, don't feel like if you don't have the best that you're not getting what you deserve. Enjoy what you have right now. It may make all the difference.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Days of Rage and Disappointment
Since I found out my doctor wasn't in the office all last week, I did my best to be patient about getting my prescription refilled. As today was Friday, I really felt I'd waited long enough. I called. No script. I decided maybe she would get to it later in the day. I called then. No script.
Oh, before I forget, I'd like to also mention my internet was out today for like 8 hours. So on the one hand, I didn't have meds because my doctor was so far behind and on the other hand, I couldn't take my mind off of it and vapidly play games online because my internet company refuses to do its job. All of this left me rather ragey.
This ended with me trying my best to be proactive about the situation. I went to my doctor's office to see if I could get my script and just take it to the pharmacy myself. Nope. I was told she had over 500 prescriptions to fill and I would just have to wait. I.........what? Seriously,I'm shocked she even has 500 patients. I felt pretty defeated at this point, but I did have a backup plan.
I called the doctor out of Tulsa who did my surgery. I asked if they could fill my scripts for me. They said they could, though when I called the pharmacy later that afternoon, it still hadn't happened. Then again, this was last minute. He may have had surgeries all day and it might take him a while to get to my stuff. Still, I bet at the latest it will be Monday and that is probably days before Dr. 500 gets around to helping me.
Anyway, the day has passed. The internet came back (clearly) and that helped a lot. I'm exhausted from all of it though. I bet I sleep quite well tonight, after all this annoyance. That's good though. I need the rest.
Oh, before I forget, I'd like to also mention my internet was out today for like 8 hours. So on the one hand, I didn't have meds because my doctor was so far behind and on the other hand, I couldn't take my mind off of it and vapidly play games online because my internet company refuses to do its job. All of this left me rather ragey.
This ended with me trying my best to be proactive about the situation. I went to my doctor's office to see if I could get my script and just take it to the pharmacy myself. Nope. I was told she had over 500 prescriptions to fill and I would just have to wait. I.........what? Seriously,I'm shocked she even has 500 patients. I felt pretty defeated at this point, but I did have a backup plan.
I called the doctor out of Tulsa who did my surgery. I asked if they could fill my scripts for me. They said they could, though when I called the pharmacy later that afternoon, it still hadn't happened. Then again, this was last minute. He may have had surgeries all day and it might take him a while to get to my stuff. Still, I bet at the latest it will be Monday and that is probably days before Dr. 500 gets around to helping me.
Anyway, the day has passed. The internet came back (clearly) and that helped a lot. I'm exhausted from all of it though. I bet I sleep quite well tonight, after all this annoyance. That's good though. I need the rest.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
The Motherload
They posted an article on Jezebel about women who regret the fact that they became mothers. These women tried to love their kids, but no love was really there. They did their best to take care of the children and to meet their needs, but there was never any pleasure in it. In fact, they felt like it stripped them of who they were while bringing nothing to them in return.
In the comments, a lot of people were outraged about this. Many of them were people who had their own mothers who regretted having them. They wrote about how they always felt they couldn't be good enough. Their mothers made them feel guilty because they had ruined their lives. They talked about how this wasn't fair to the children, and it's not. A child does not ask to be born. She is not responsible for what happens to the lives of her parents due to the fact of her birth.
At the same time, I think it IS very important that we, as a culture, talk about the fact that motherhood isn't for everyone. It's almost like most women feel that if they admit that being a parent isn't something they enjoy, someone will shoot them. Sadly, in some cases, that isn't so far from the truth. Even a lot of Mommy bloggers who discuss how hard being a parent can be get flack from people who claim they are just trying to be martyrs or get attention.
[Okay, side rant here. And I'm sure I have talked about this before. People need to back the fuck off the whole 'they're just trying to get attention' thing. So what if people are trying to get attention? Since when was it BAD to want attention? We all deserve attention, dammit. Perhaps the person seeking attention is not doing it in the most constructive way. Fine. Discuss their methods, not the mere fact that they want attention. If someone bitches at you for wanting attention, tell them to fuck off. If they suggest that perhaps you could find attention in a more constructive manner than bothering shoppers at Walmart, then perhaps you should consider another method. Methods can change, but wanting attention is perfectly fine.]
My grandmother hated being a mother. She could never come out and just admit she hated it though, so it manifested in other ways. It showed in her outright resentment towards my mother and her belief that my uncle was only useful if he was helping her with things. My mother hated being a mother. She told me as much, quite often. In her list of priorities, we were waaaay down at the bottom. And yet, she never tried to get rid of us when we were younger, because she would have been demonized by those around her.
I wonder how different things could have been if our society was open and understanding enough for Grandma or Mom to just be able to publicly say, "I hate this and I'm not good at it. Can someone who likes kids come take these from me?" How different could my mother and uncle's lives have been had they been raised by people who chose to care for them and love them? How different would the lives of my brother and me be if we could have been raised by people who really wanted us, people who put parenthood as their priority?
There is also the fact that for some women, there honestly just is no bond between them and their children. They feel nothing. They may try. They may even regret that they don't, but in the end, it just isn't there. I think this might have been the case for me. I'm not good at love. There are a very, very select few people that I love in this world. And while I can be quite nurturing to my cats, they don't talk all the time or scream or bitch because I bought them the wrong kind of shoes. A level of quiet communication goes a long way.
I think it's also important that women talk about how they regret becoming mothers because it is a good message for women 'on the fence' about having kids to hear. So often, we hear the gushy, bubblegum statements of 'Oh you will love your own child so much' or 'once you have a baby, all of this just makes so much more sense.' It's nice that it's that way for some people, maybe even a lot of people. It isn't that way for everyone though, and I would much rather regret NOT having a kid than regret having one.
People who regret their children are just as entitled to express that regret as anyone else is about any other topic. They need safe places to do that. They need havens where they can be honest about their experiences and not feel like someone is going to jump down their throat about it. Being able to acknowledge that this experience sucks for you may be the first step in finding ways to where perhaps it doesn't suck so much. How can you get there, however, if you never feel safe to discuss the truth?
I will say this, if you're someone who regrets your decision to become a parent, you can talk to me. I won't judge you. I won't try to talk you out of how you feel. I certainly won't love you less. I will listen. I am willing to be your haven about this. And if you don't feel comfortable talking to me, I hope you find someone. I really do.
In the comments, a lot of people were outraged about this. Many of them were people who had their own mothers who regretted having them. They wrote about how they always felt they couldn't be good enough. Their mothers made them feel guilty because they had ruined their lives. They talked about how this wasn't fair to the children, and it's not. A child does not ask to be born. She is not responsible for what happens to the lives of her parents due to the fact of her birth.
At the same time, I think it IS very important that we, as a culture, talk about the fact that motherhood isn't for everyone. It's almost like most women feel that if they admit that being a parent isn't something they enjoy, someone will shoot them. Sadly, in some cases, that isn't so far from the truth. Even a lot of Mommy bloggers who discuss how hard being a parent can be get flack from people who claim they are just trying to be martyrs or get attention.
[Okay, side rant here. And I'm sure I have talked about this before. People need to back the fuck off the whole 'they're just trying to get attention' thing. So what if people are trying to get attention? Since when was it BAD to want attention? We all deserve attention, dammit. Perhaps the person seeking attention is not doing it in the most constructive way. Fine. Discuss their methods, not the mere fact that they want attention. If someone bitches at you for wanting attention, tell them to fuck off. If they suggest that perhaps you could find attention in a more constructive manner than bothering shoppers at Walmart, then perhaps you should consider another method. Methods can change, but wanting attention is perfectly fine.]
My grandmother hated being a mother. She could never come out and just admit she hated it though, so it manifested in other ways. It showed in her outright resentment towards my mother and her belief that my uncle was only useful if he was helping her with things. My mother hated being a mother. She told me as much, quite often. In her list of priorities, we were waaaay down at the bottom. And yet, she never tried to get rid of us when we were younger, because she would have been demonized by those around her.
I wonder how different things could have been if our society was open and understanding enough for Grandma or Mom to just be able to publicly say, "I hate this and I'm not good at it. Can someone who likes kids come take these from me?" How different could my mother and uncle's lives have been had they been raised by people who chose to care for them and love them? How different would the lives of my brother and me be if we could have been raised by people who really wanted us, people who put parenthood as their priority?
There is also the fact that for some women, there honestly just is no bond between them and their children. They feel nothing. They may try. They may even regret that they don't, but in the end, it just isn't there. I think this might have been the case for me. I'm not good at love. There are a very, very select few people that I love in this world. And while I can be quite nurturing to my cats, they don't talk all the time or scream or bitch because I bought them the wrong kind of shoes. A level of quiet communication goes a long way.
I think it's also important that women talk about how they regret becoming mothers because it is a good message for women 'on the fence' about having kids to hear. So often, we hear the gushy, bubblegum statements of 'Oh you will love your own child so much' or 'once you have a baby, all of this just makes so much more sense.' It's nice that it's that way for some people, maybe even a lot of people. It isn't that way for everyone though, and I would much rather regret NOT having a kid than regret having one.
People who regret their children are just as entitled to express that regret as anyone else is about any other topic. They need safe places to do that. They need havens where they can be honest about their experiences and not feel like someone is going to jump down their throat about it. Being able to acknowledge that this experience sucks for you may be the first step in finding ways to where perhaps it doesn't suck so much. How can you get there, however, if you never feel safe to discuss the truth?
I will say this, if you're someone who regrets your decision to become a parent, you can talk to me. I won't judge you. I won't try to talk you out of how you feel. I certainly won't love you less. I will listen. I am willing to be your haven about this. And if you don't feel comfortable talking to me, I hope you find someone. I really do.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
90 Days Post Surgery
It is 90 days since my radical hysterectomy. I celebrated by actually doing some yard work. I'm not going to claim I did the majority of it, because my roommate already had the front and side yards cleared before I joined in, but I did my best out in the back yard. I raked, I pulled, I lifted stuff onto the tarp. I didn't have to walk any of it to the curb, he did all of that, but I think I certainly made the burden of the clearing a slight bit easier on him.
There were a couple of downsides. I fell once. There is this place in the back yard that is really just a series of little sabotagey sinkholes. Next year, I will hopefully remember that going around the trees in that direction is a VERY bad idea and not to do it. There was also a problem with fire ants. They bit me, all over one leg and on my hands. They also covered the tarp, forcing us to move the last several loads by hand.
However, despite those downsides, I moved faster than I have in the past. I was more balanced when I was walking around. I realize I fell once, but my roommate (who possesses far more grace then I do) said he often has trouble in that spot in the yard as well. I was also able to lift heavier things onto the tarps, which I am assuming is due to my lipoma being gone.
Best of all, I didn't have to take the massively long rest breaks between everything. I was tired and I did have to rest some, but I recovered energy faster. This meant the whole process went faster and we were able to finish in only one morning instead of two sessions over several days. I'm glad we were able to do this, because it started storming later in the evening and moving all of that stuff out of the wet, muddy, slick yard would have been impossible. We would have had to wait for everything to dry out, meaning all of the brush would have gotten even more infested with critters.
I was in pain for the rest of the day, but still able to function. I'll probably take some painkiller to insure I can sleep well, but I'm certain I'll be in good shape tomorrow. In the past, it would take me days to recover from this yard clean up. This was far easier.
So what did I learn today?
There were a couple of downsides. I fell once. There is this place in the back yard that is really just a series of little sabotagey sinkholes. Next year, I will hopefully remember that going around the trees in that direction is a VERY bad idea and not to do it. There was also a problem with fire ants. They bit me, all over one leg and on my hands. They also covered the tarp, forcing us to move the last several loads by hand.
However, despite those downsides, I moved faster than I have in the past. I was more balanced when I was walking around. I realize I fell once, but my roommate (who possesses far more grace then I do) said he often has trouble in that spot in the yard as well. I was also able to lift heavier things onto the tarps, which I am assuming is due to my lipoma being gone.
Best of all, I didn't have to take the massively long rest breaks between everything. I was tired and I did have to rest some, but I recovered energy faster. This meant the whole process went faster and we were able to finish in only one morning instead of two sessions over several days. I'm glad we were able to do this, because it started storming later in the evening and moving all of that stuff out of the wet, muddy, slick yard would have been impossible. We would have had to wait for everything to dry out, meaning all of the brush would have gotten even more infested with critters.
I was in pain for the rest of the day, but still able to function. I'll probably take some painkiller to insure I can sleep well, but I'm certain I'll be in good shape tomorrow. In the past, it would take me days to recover from this yard clean up. This was far easier.
So what did I learn today?
- It is far easier to use a rake if you don't have a 13 lb lipoma on your arm.
- Fire ants won't just sting you once. They will sting and sting until you kill them.
- I can walk end of back yard all the way to the front yard and then back to the house and not die. I will consider death in this process, but I won't actually die.
- Vinegar takes out the pain of fire ant bites very quickly.
- It feels very good not to have to dread finishing the yard work.
- I am continuing to get stronger.
I think for 90 days post surgery, that is a pretty good list.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Facepalming at the Talkingheads
We're coming closer and closer to the presidential election. Something I am dreading, by the way, and it would seem like the GOP would be doing their best not to alienate people. By people, I mean, actual people . . .not just the people they find acceptable. However, for some reason that just escapes me, that doesn't seem to be what they're doing.
For instance, Arizona Republican Russell Pearce recently decided to go after both "Them Poors" and "Them Womens." On his radio show, he made the statement that if he were in charge of things, women on Medicaid wouldn't be allowed to have babies. If they wanted babies, they could get a job. Now, I'm not quite sure how this would happen, exactly. After all, there are a lot of women who are both employed AND on Medicaid, due to the fact that the places where they work pay them so little, they still qualify for government assistance.
That may have been a bit complex for Pearce though. He probably would have backed down when he realized that The Walmart would be upset at the idea of him destroying their future workforce. Then again, he probably isn't aware of the fact that people can still work, but also receive assistance. Instead of reading things with actual facts, he probably only read pamphlets that tell him that if Them Poors gets a job, they will explode. Hmm. I suppose that is another good way to get rid of them.
Pearce stepped down when his comments received a lot of backlash, though I'm pretty sure he still doesn't exactly understand what he said that was so awful. He's probably off somewhere muttering about his first amendment rights.
Personally, while I understand why a lot of people were upset with his statements, if he had been allowed to make that happen, I can see how people could have used it to their advantage. I know a lot of women who wished to be sterilized and were denied this by doctors who felt they would change their minds. If Pearce's plan had gone through, all these women would have to do would be to become one of Them Poors for a while, get their tubs tied, and then go on their merry way. Is that working the system? Perhaps. However, if it is the only way you can get the birth control choice you wish, it might be worth the trouble.
And while Pearce's statement was offensive, at least it makes more sense than the usual Circle of Fuckery that you hear from these people. "We hates them poors. We wants less of them poors. OH BUT LET'S BAN ALLLL THE BIRTH CONTROL!" Mind you, I know that not everyone in the GOP is in support of banning birth control altogether, but they never shut up the ones who talk about it either.
Anyway, it is impressive, Mr. Pearce, how you were able to alienate both women and the poor people in one statement. Bravo. You actually did better than Rush did this week. He only offended Them Womens when he said that sometimes men know that when a woman says no, she really means yes. I was very annoyed that he said that, until I really started thinking about it.
I mean, let's face it, Rush has probably never had a woman very happily say yes to sex with him. If anything, it was a look of resignation as she sighed heavily and said, "I.....guess so."
For instance, Arizona Republican Russell Pearce recently decided to go after both "Them Poors" and "Them Womens." On his radio show, he made the statement that if he were in charge of things, women on Medicaid wouldn't be allowed to have babies. If they wanted babies, they could get a job. Now, I'm not quite sure how this would happen, exactly. After all, there are a lot of women who are both employed AND on Medicaid, due to the fact that the places where they work pay them so little, they still qualify for government assistance.
That may have been a bit complex for Pearce though. He probably would have backed down when he realized that The Walmart would be upset at the idea of him destroying their future workforce. Then again, he probably isn't aware of the fact that people can still work, but also receive assistance. Instead of reading things with actual facts, he probably only read pamphlets that tell him that if Them Poors gets a job, they will explode. Hmm. I suppose that is another good way to get rid of them.
Pearce stepped down when his comments received a lot of backlash, though I'm pretty sure he still doesn't exactly understand what he said that was so awful. He's probably off somewhere muttering about his first amendment rights.
Personally, while I understand why a lot of people were upset with his statements, if he had been allowed to make that happen, I can see how people could have used it to their advantage. I know a lot of women who wished to be sterilized and were denied this by doctors who felt they would change their minds. If Pearce's plan had gone through, all these women would have to do would be to become one of Them Poors for a while, get their tubs tied, and then go on their merry way. Is that working the system? Perhaps. However, if it is the only way you can get the birth control choice you wish, it might be worth the trouble.
And while Pearce's statement was offensive, at least it makes more sense than the usual Circle of Fuckery that you hear from these people. "We hates them poors. We wants less of them poors. OH BUT LET'S BAN ALLLL THE BIRTH CONTROL!" Mind you, I know that not everyone in the GOP is in support of banning birth control altogether, but they never shut up the ones who talk about it either.
Anyway, it is impressive, Mr. Pearce, how you were able to alienate both women and the poor people in one statement. Bravo. You actually did better than Rush did this week. He only offended Them Womens when he said that sometimes men know that when a woman says no, she really means yes. I was very annoyed that he said that, until I really started thinking about it.
I mean, let's face it, Rush has probably never had a woman very happily say yes to sex with him. If anything, it was a look of resignation as she sighed heavily and said, "I.....guess so."
Monday, September 15, 2014
Autumn Tasks
My roommate started the annual pruning of the trees/bushes today. Normally, this activity is met with a lot of trepidation on my part, because I know I have to help clear the branches and brambles that have been cut away. It's hard work. It's hot, messy, tiring work. Interestingly enough, this year, I'm not really all that anxious about it. Yes, I know it will be hard. Yes, I know I will get tired and frustrated and exhausted from it.
However, I just can't get upset about it. For one thing, I'm in far better shape than I have been in years. Part of me is wondering if I'm overestimating my own abilities right now, but I honestly think I can handle the work far better than I could in the past. I think every aspect of this (bending, lifting, walking, dragging) are all far more within my grasp than they have been in years past.
And I've noticed when you aren't so anxious about the physical difficulty of something, your mind begins to be rational about the actual task at hand. Clearing the cast offs takes us a few days, but not weeks on end. It isn't a never ending task that will consume the rest of my life. At most, we spend a few hours doing it in the morning and a few in the evening for like three or four days. That's all.
Most of all, after everything I've been through this year, I'm mostly just damned happy and grateful to be alive to GET to do this task. There were times when that wasn't really a certainty. I'm here though. I lived through All The Things. I get to help with the yard and see another autumn. This is a great blessing.
We'll review this post when I'm actually in the process of doing this work.
However, I just can't get upset about it. For one thing, I'm in far better shape than I have been in years. Part of me is wondering if I'm overestimating my own abilities right now, but I honestly think I can handle the work far better than I could in the past. I think every aspect of this (bending, lifting, walking, dragging) are all far more within my grasp than they have been in years past.
And I've noticed when you aren't so anxious about the physical difficulty of something, your mind begins to be rational about the actual task at hand. Clearing the cast offs takes us a few days, but not weeks on end. It isn't a never ending task that will consume the rest of my life. At most, we spend a few hours doing it in the morning and a few in the evening for like three or four days. That's all.
Most of all, after everything I've been through this year, I'm mostly just damned happy and grateful to be alive to GET to do this task. There were times when that wasn't really a certainty. I'm here though. I lived through All The Things. I get to help with the yard and see another autumn. This is a great blessing.
We'll review this post when I'm actually in the process of doing this work.
Friday, September 12, 2014
Weepy Weekends
It was dark all day today. It's continued a slow, steady rain since yesterday. This type of rain begins to weigh on the plants in the yard and after many hours of it, they all begin to droop like they need some kind of anti-depressant or something. Maybe they know they'll soon be in hibernation again. Or worse, maybe they know we'll soon be out there pruning them. Perhaps they do need some meds.
I don't think they could get them from my doctor though! I called to have scripts refilled on Monday and by today, they still weren't in. I stopped by her office to see if she was in and maybe my message got lost or something. However, all the lights were off and it was clear no one was there. My roommate got out to check and the home health care worker next door told us that my doctor was out because of things going on in her personal life.
Which, yeah, okay, that's fine. I realize sometimes things go wrong and that is more important than work. However, I think that it would be best if she offered some kind of warning or had someone else around who was qualified to at least fills prescriptions when needed. My meds aren't life or death, but some people's are. If you're going to be out more than a couple of days, it's probably best to keep people informed.
So I'm out of anti-depressants for the weekend. Hopefully I still have enough in my system to keep me from going wonky. I probably do. Honestly, I wouldn't even be so concerned about it except I'm still having menopausal weepies. Last night I teared up because one of my friends was doing well with her life. I was so happy for her! I also teared up at one of those dish washing liquid commercials where they clean the ducks! Those poor ducks!
I don't think they could get them from my doctor though! I called to have scripts refilled on Monday and by today, they still weren't in. I stopped by her office to see if she was in and maybe my message got lost or something. However, all the lights were off and it was clear no one was there. My roommate got out to check and the home health care worker next door told us that my doctor was out because of things going on in her personal life.
Which, yeah, okay, that's fine. I realize sometimes things go wrong and that is more important than work. However, I think that it would be best if she offered some kind of warning or had someone else around who was qualified to at least fills prescriptions when needed. My meds aren't life or death, but some people's are. If you're going to be out more than a couple of days, it's probably best to keep people informed.
So I'm out of anti-depressants for the weekend. Hopefully I still have enough in my system to keep me from going wonky. I probably do. Honestly, I wouldn't even be so concerned about it except I'm still having menopausal weepies. Last night I teared up because one of my friends was doing well with her life. I was so happy for her! I also teared up at one of those dish washing liquid commercials where they clean the ducks! Those poor ducks!
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Hoping for Fall
The weather was rather glorious today . . . at least as how I define glorious. It was wet and overcast and cold. This made me happy. I couldn't go walking, but that was okay. I wasn't hot either which is far better in the long run. It's time for a change.
The first part of this year has been really rough on a lot of people I know. Deaths, surgeries, health scares, more deaths, more health scares, and some rather crappy, stressful stuff have been the theme for most of 2014 so far. It's time to find something new, something comforting and easy for a while. I think everyone has reached their stress and pain threshold. Let's try to enjoy the Fall.
I'm really ready for that. I'm ready for the sound of rustling leafs and pumpkins and chai. I'm ready to wear my hats and my hoodies. I'm ready to feel safe again. It's been so long since I felt safe. I need Fall to bring comfort. I really, really need that. I think everyone else does too.
My skin is cool to the touch right now. I have a cat laying next to me. I'm comfortable and content. I think it would be very nice if this could be a trend.
The first part of this year has been really rough on a lot of people I know. Deaths, surgeries, health scares, more deaths, more health scares, and some rather crappy, stressful stuff have been the theme for most of 2014 so far. It's time to find something new, something comforting and easy for a while. I think everyone has reached their stress and pain threshold. Let's try to enjoy the Fall.
I'm really ready for that. I'm ready for the sound of rustling leafs and pumpkins and chai. I'm ready to wear my hats and my hoodies. I'm ready to feel safe again. It's been so long since I felt safe. I need Fall to bring comfort. I really, really need that. I think everyone else does too.
My skin is cool to the touch right now. I have a cat laying next to me. I'm comfortable and content. I think it would be very nice if this could be a trend.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Weaving Around the Obstacles
As you know, I've been in recovery for a while now. I've read a lot of places that when one is recovering from any type of major surgery or if one is living with an illness, it is very good to establish a set routine. I agree with this. And my roommate, I believe, would also agree with this. However, we both only agree to this up to a point. Sometimes, sticking too religiously to a routine can do more harm than good.
With illness, or any kind of physical recovery, you also need to be very flexible about your schedule. Sometimes, your body just isn't going to allow you to do things. And I do mean 'allow.' One of the things you begin to realize about illness is that there are times when you have little to no control over what your body is doing. All you can do is try to work with the situation.
Eating is a good example of this. There have been times when the idea of eating was appalling to me. This usually involved me being both hot and nauseous. Even if I knew I needed to eat, the very thought of it was abhorrent. I knew that if I ate anything, I was going to get sick. So even though my routine wanted me to eat at a certain time, often that just wasn't possible.
Sometimes, I could wait this out and perhaps eat an hour or two later if I was less ill by then. Other times, the meal was just skipped. I knew I couldn't do that too often, but once in a while, I really had no choice.
I learned to work around it as best I could. I would try to eat a larger meal earlier in the day, that way even if I didn't feel like eating dinner, I would still have a decent amount of nourishment. Other times, I would just eat whatever protein I thought I could handle. Some tuna or maybe just yogurt. It wasn't a full meal, but enough protein to keep me going. Other times, I found that if I ate something with a lot of sourness to it, it would help.
It seems like we often have this stubborn misconception that if we decide to do something, we had best do it or we'll look weak. I don't know why this is. Maybe it's about control. I don't even think that is such an awful thing. When you're ill, there is so much about your life that seems out of your hands. To lose things like the ability to decide when you can eat is pretty scary. It's such a fundamental thing to have taken away from you. So I get why people would want to cling to their routines.
The thing is, even if it doesn't seem like finding a way around the problem is taking control of it, it really is. You're not surrendering to the situation. You're working with what you have. It may not be what you planned. It may not fit into your schedule, but sometimes illness is going to take those carefully laid plans away from you. Bounce back as best you can and remember that it won't always be this way.
With illness, or any kind of physical recovery, you also need to be very flexible about your schedule. Sometimes, your body just isn't going to allow you to do things. And I do mean 'allow.' One of the things you begin to realize about illness is that there are times when you have little to no control over what your body is doing. All you can do is try to work with the situation.
Eating is a good example of this. There have been times when the idea of eating was appalling to me. This usually involved me being both hot and nauseous. Even if I knew I needed to eat, the very thought of it was abhorrent. I knew that if I ate anything, I was going to get sick. So even though my routine wanted me to eat at a certain time, often that just wasn't possible.
Sometimes, I could wait this out and perhaps eat an hour or two later if I was less ill by then. Other times, the meal was just skipped. I knew I couldn't do that too often, but once in a while, I really had no choice.
I learned to work around it as best I could. I would try to eat a larger meal earlier in the day, that way even if I didn't feel like eating dinner, I would still have a decent amount of nourishment. Other times, I would just eat whatever protein I thought I could handle. Some tuna or maybe just yogurt. It wasn't a full meal, but enough protein to keep me going. Other times, I found that if I ate something with a lot of sourness to it, it would help.
It seems like we often have this stubborn misconception that if we decide to do something, we had best do it or we'll look weak. I don't know why this is. Maybe it's about control. I don't even think that is such an awful thing. When you're ill, there is so much about your life that seems out of your hands. To lose things like the ability to decide when you can eat is pretty scary. It's such a fundamental thing to have taken away from you. So I get why people would want to cling to their routines.
The thing is, even if it doesn't seem like finding a way around the problem is taking control of it, it really is. You're not surrendering to the situation. You're working with what you have. It may not be what you planned. It may not fit into your schedule, but sometimes illness is going to take those carefully laid plans away from you. Bounce back as best you can and remember that it won't always be this way.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Physical Milestone
I did 30 minutes of exercise today. I'm not even counting my rest time between either. I actually did a full 30 minutes. That is the first time in quite a long while. I'm quite proud of that. Sometimes I feel like I'm not getting any stronger, but then things like this happen and I realize I am. I may not always be able to feel it, but I really am.
This will probably cause me some pain by the morning, but it's okay. I have learned to accept that kind of pain. I know it goes away. It's just part of the process of my body changing. I'm not sure I'm even really burning away any fat yet. It may just all be water retention. As I've mentioned in the past, however, I would rather have 5 lbs of fat than one lb of water. Fat is mushy and easy to deal with. Water is solid and painful. Losing more water is a wonderful thing.
It was still hot today. We turned on the AC, though we'd not had to in a few days. It's supposed to cool down after today, but September can be kind of odd about that. We'll see. It's starting to feel like Fall though, and this makes me happy. And because I'm in better shape than I usually am, I'm not dreading the annual tree trimming. I know it won't be easy, but it will be easier than it was last year.
This will probably cause me some pain by the morning, but it's okay. I have learned to accept that kind of pain. I know it goes away. It's just part of the process of my body changing. I'm not sure I'm even really burning away any fat yet. It may just all be water retention. As I've mentioned in the past, however, I would rather have 5 lbs of fat than one lb of water. Fat is mushy and easy to deal with. Water is solid and painful. Losing more water is a wonderful thing.
It was still hot today. We turned on the AC, though we'd not had to in a few days. It's supposed to cool down after today, but September can be kind of odd about that. We'll see. It's starting to feel like Fall though, and this makes me happy. And because I'm in better shape than I usually am, I'm not dreading the annual tree trimming. I know it won't be easy, but it will be easier than it was last year.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Giving a Store the Side Eye
Today we went shopping and one of the items I depend on was out of stock. We assumed this was no big deal and drove into town to get it there. Like I said, it's an important item. While in town, we went to three stores within this same chain and every one of them was missing the item. I can't tell you how annoying this is.
Though, honestly, it's even more annoying when I know that said company has a system that should insure it never runs out of stock. When an item is scanned, the fact that said item was sold is supposed to go into the order list so that more can be sent, thus insuring that no customer goes without said item. This should certainly be true for popular items. And this certain item is purchased by a lot of people.
When the workerbees of said store were asked about the item, they hedged and mumbled things. This is usually done when the company in question is trying to strong arm more pennies out of the manufacturer of the product. It's frustrating and more than a little upsetting. There are a lot of things that help us get through the day and when the Powers that Be start fucking with that, it makes one nervous.
I am hoping that next time we go to the store, my product will be in stock again. We found a substitute, but you know how that goes. When you like a product, you want to stay with it. Any subs are usually annoying. Until then, I'm giving that store some serious side eye. I know they do not care, but it makes me feel better.
Though, honestly, it's even more annoying when I know that said company has a system that should insure it never runs out of stock. When an item is scanned, the fact that said item was sold is supposed to go into the order list so that more can be sent, thus insuring that no customer goes without said item. This should certainly be true for popular items. And this certain item is purchased by a lot of people.
When the workerbees of said store were asked about the item, they hedged and mumbled things. This is usually done when the company in question is trying to strong arm more pennies out of the manufacturer of the product. It's frustrating and more than a little upsetting. There are a lot of things that help us get through the day and when the Powers that Be start fucking with that, it makes one nervous.
I am hoping that next time we go to the store, my product will be in stock again. We found a substitute, but you know how that goes. When you like a product, you want to stay with it. Any subs are usually annoying. Until then, I'm giving that store some serious side eye. I know they do not care, but it makes me feel better.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Quick Sunday Post
I started crocheting today. It's honestly been months since I did anything with yarn. I'm rusty and out of practice, but I'll catch up to it. You know, as much as I ever do. My skills aren't that wonderful, but they suit my purposes so I am content. It helped that it felt like a good day to start again. When I walked this morning, it felt like autumn. I was happy about that. And even though we had to have fans on today, it was far less hot than it has been. Yay.
I haven't been in a good spot emotionally today. My brain was doing spirals. I tried to do my best to just work around it, but I never quite succeeded. It's taken me hours just to watch a 140 minute movie. Oh, and my stomach was flipflopping. Yeah. One of those days.
Anyway, maybe things will be less disjointed tomorrow.
I haven't been in a good spot emotionally today. My brain was doing spirals. I tried to do my best to just work around it, but I never quite succeeded. It's taken me hours just to watch a 140 minute movie. Oh, and my stomach was flipflopping. Yeah. One of those days.
Anyway, maybe things will be less disjointed tomorrow.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
A Quiet Day
I need to figure out a way to start focusing again. I fully well intended to blog last night but it just didn't happen. Why? No idea. My brain just didn't allow it. Yesterday was weird though. The heat rose ten degrees and fell that ten degrees in a matter of a few hours. It was pretty rough on me. It was rough on my roommate as well. We spent the rest of the evening feeling rather awful.
Today has been better though. It cooled down a lot and actually had the sense to stay there. We spent most of the day without the roar of the bigger fan. As much as I can get used to the fans, as they begin to be turned off, it's always a comfort. The less noise, the better. That is one of the best things about Fall. Things get more quiet. By this time, you need that. Especially like the summer that I had.
I'm really emotional tonight. I have been for a couple of days now. I did my exercise today and hope that it will help with the pain caused by the exercise the day before. I was aching in places I'd never ached before. Places I didn't even know could ache. That is, of course, all part of the process. I understand the process, but it doesn't make it any easier. Aching hips are still aching hips.
By the way, I would like to invite all of you to do something. If you see someone enjoying something, so long as whatever that something is doesn't harm anyone else, leave them alone about it. If they like music you think is lame or enjoy books you think are stupid, what does it matter? If it brings them happiness, let them have their happiness. As much pain as we all have to feel, why do we insist on mocking others when they find a way to escape that?
Today has been better though. It cooled down a lot and actually had the sense to stay there. We spent most of the day without the roar of the bigger fan. As much as I can get used to the fans, as they begin to be turned off, it's always a comfort. The less noise, the better. That is one of the best things about Fall. Things get more quiet. By this time, you need that. Especially like the summer that I had.
I'm really emotional tonight. I have been for a couple of days now. I did my exercise today and hope that it will help with the pain caused by the exercise the day before. I was aching in places I'd never ached before. Places I didn't even know could ache. That is, of course, all part of the process. I understand the process, but it doesn't make it any easier. Aching hips are still aching hips.
By the way, I would like to invite all of you to do something. If you see someone enjoying something, so long as whatever that something is doesn't harm anyone else, leave them alone about it. If they like music you think is lame or enjoy books you think are stupid, what does it matter? If it brings them happiness, let them have their happiness. As much pain as we all have to feel, why do we insist on mocking others when they find a way to escape that?
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Me . . . I Think
I've changed how I do my pedaling. I used to do one five minute session twice a day. I tried to increase that to a seven and then a ten minute session, but I just couldn't hold out that long. But I find that if I rest two or three minutes after I do the first five, I can do another five without much problem. It's not building the endurance the way I want it to, but it's an extra five minutes of calorie burning. It also means that between the morning session and the afternoon session, I have 20 minutes of pedaling. That, with whatever walking and upper body stuff I'm doing is getting me close to 30 minutes a day. I'm not quite there yet, but it will happen.
I'm feeling good about this. We all know I've started exercising before and it always falls apart as the weather cools down. But if I'm already conditioned to having a routine with pedaling, I can just add what time I need on days when it's too nasty to go outside. That way I get my time in without having to risk falling (or having to deal with hellish wind). It's oddly very important to me that I stick with this.
After all of the surgeries, I just really don't feel like me sometimes. I don't look like me. I don't smell like me. I don't feel the same inside my body. I know I've talked about this on the blog before and I've talked about it a lot in therapy. The thing is, I feel it way more often than I even discuss it. I know I'm me, but the me I am feels very unfamiliar to the person I thought I was.
The way I'm trying to cope with that is just to embrace it. Okay, I'm not the same now. There were things about the person I was before that weren't all that helpful to my life being happy and whole . . . so let's change them. Maybe you wouldn't have done this before. Maybe you didn't think you even COULD do this before, but that's fine. You can now. This is part of your life now. Just walk through the new door.
I'm feeling good about this. We all know I've started exercising before and it always falls apart as the weather cools down. But if I'm already conditioned to having a routine with pedaling, I can just add what time I need on days when it's too nasty to go outside. That way I get my time in without having to risk falling (or having to deal with hellish wind). It's oddly very important to me that I stick with this.
After all of the surgeries, I just really don't feel like me sometimes. I don't look like me. I don't smell like me. I don't feel the same inside my body. I know I've talked about this on the blog before and I've talked about it a lot in therapy. The thing is, I feel it way more often than I even discuss it. I know I'm me, but the me I am feels very unfamiliar to the person I thought I was.
The way I'm trying to cope with that is just to embrace it. Okay, I'm not the same now. There were things about the person I was before that weren't all that helpful to my life being happy and whole . . . so let's change them. Maybe you wouldn't have done this before. Maybe you didn't think you even COULD do this before, but that's fine. You can now. This is part of your life now. Just walk through the new door.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
The Angry and the Sick
I've been hearing a lot about situations where people who are menopausal or sick or otherwise not themselves have started being abusive to those around them. The abuse can be in any form, mental, physical, what have you. Many times, people will try to write off the behavior with the excuse that said person is not themselves at the moment. I'll address that in a moment, I want to talk about the people being abused first.
If someone is hurting you, get away from them. I don't care if they are sick. I don't care if they are not themselves. I don't care if they depend on you. There is no excuse in the world for putting yourself in a dangerous position. You deserve better than that. Whatever excuse they may have, no matter how much you love or feel sorry for them, it does not excuse them being abusive to you. Get away from them. I realize that isn't always easy, but this is your safety we're talking about here. You deserve to be safe.
One of my mom's childhood friends had a husband who became ill during their marriage. He had always been very physically strong and the disease was slowly and very painfully destroying that. She stood by him and tended to him . . . until the day he knocked the hell out of her with his cane. On that day, she packed her bags and left. A lot of people called her a lot of horrible things for not standing by this man who was ill. I, however, believe she did the right thing. She should not have had to tolerate being abused.
Now many of us, at one time or another, have gone through things that are very horrible on us. They can be frightening or humiliating. They can destroy our hope. They can destroy our sense of who we are as people. It could be something that makes our body waste away or something that leaves us tired after the smallest effort. Sometimes it's a mental breakdown. Sometimes, like in my case, it is due to hormonal changes. When you go through stuff like this, you can feel like you are losing everything. You can feel lost. You can get very, very angry.
However, while you still have control over your own self, you have the responsibility not to lash out at others. Don't emotionally hurt someone just because you are emotionally broken. Don't mentally rip someone apart because your mind feels like jagged chaos. Do not physically abuse someone just because you feel anger or fear or rage. Being ill or being in pain does not excuse you hurting other people. And if you do hurt them, you deserve to be left to fend for yourself.
As a caregiver, it is important to help the person you have committed to help, but always keep in mind that doesn't mean you surrender all personal rights. Your primary responsibility is still to you. Keep yourself safe. Make sure you are protected. Make sure you are treated with respect. As someone who is going through a rough time, remember that this doesn't give you the right to be an asshole. Things are hard for you, but the people around you who are trying to help you are not the enemy. Respect them for what they are doing to make your life easier.
If someone is hurting you, get away from them. I don't care if they are sick. I don't care if they are not themselves. I don't care if they depend on you. There is no excuse in the world for putting yourself in a dangerous position. You deserve better than that. Whatever excuse they may have, no matter how much you love or feel sorry for them, it does not excuse them being abusive to you. Get away from them. I realize that isn't always easy, but this is your safety we're talking about here. You deserve to be safe.
One of my mom's childhood friends had a husband who became ill during their marriage. He had always been very physically strong and the disease was slowly and very painfully destroying that. She stood by him and tended to him . . . until the day he knocked the hell out of her with his cane. On that day, she packed her bags and left. A lot of people called her a lot of horrible things for not standing by this man who was ill. I, however, believe she did the right thing. She should not have had to tolerate being abused.
Now many of us, at one time or another, have gone through things that are very horrible on us. They can be frightening or humiliating. They can destroy our hope. They can destroy our sense of who we are as people. It could be something that makes our body waste away or something that leaves us tired after the smallest effort. Sometimes it's a mental breakdown. Sometimes, like in my case, it is due to hormonal changes. When you go through stuff like this, you can feel like you are losing everything. You can feel lost. You can get very, very angry.
However, while you still have control over your own self, you have the responsibility not to lash out at others. Don't emotionally hurt someone just because you are emotionally broken. Don't mentally rip someone apart because your mind feels like jagged chaos. Do not physically abuse someone just because you feel anger or fear or rage. Being ill or being in pain does not excuse you hurting other people. And if you do hurt them, you deserve to be left to fend for yourself.
As a caregiver, it is important to help the person you have committed to help, but always keep in mind that doesn't mean you surrender all personal rights. Your primary responsibility is still to you. Keep yourself safe. Make sure you are protected. Make sure you are treated with respect. As someone who is going through a rough time, remember that this doesn't give you the right to be an asshole. Things are hard for you, but the people around you who are trying to help you are not the enemy. Respect them for what they are doing to make your life easier.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Come Dancing
A lot of people complain about the brooding vampire trope. They say it's been overdone, misused, overused, and rehashed so many times that it really means nothing anymore. I'm guessing that a lot of people who say this are younger. I think when I was younger, I tended to have less patience for the brooding vampire as well. After all, who wouldn't want to be young and beautiful forever? Who wouldn't want to be strong and fast and able to have nothing but years ahead of them? How could this bring you down?
As I age, however, I am beginning to understand why sadness would be more the state of the immortal. Oh, perhaps not for someone born to immortality. Creatures who were born to live forever probably have a deeply different outlook on the process. For us born with the perspective of a mortal, however, we tend to to grieve our losses and mourn what has left us. It is a fundamental part of who we are. If a person born with a mortal's sense of finality was to suddenly face an endless lifetime, what would they have except a constant state of mourning?
I find that as I age, I grieve more. I don't just mourn for those who have died, though I do that as well. This is less tangible in some ways, though so completely consuming in others. I mourn for the loss of what we once had. Do you remember what it was like to go into a video game arcade? All the noise? All the flickering lights? The pulse of excitement as you exchanged your money for tokens? How grown up did you feel, as a 11 or 12 year old, when you were dropped off there while your parents shopped? How exciting was it to purchase your own drinks and your own snacks? To be surrounded by people who were closer to your age?
Or maybe you were one of those kids who hung out at the skating rink. There was something so romantic and thrilling about the rink. Perhaps it was the round and round of the skaters, the feeling of being graceful as you glided past someone. Maybe it was the way the lights would lower and spotlights flash around as the music played. Now personally, I was never one for skating. I never really got the hang of it. That didn't stop me from going to the rink though. It was a great place to get snacks and to hang with friends. And of course, it was the only place in my town where a gumball machine existed that spit out neon Duran Duran stickers! Ahh, even thinking about that thrills me.
See, that's the thing. Nothing thrills me like that anymore. Sure, I get excited. I can be happy for the release of a book or the idea of an upcoming event. I am happy when people have parties or babies or movie nights. But none of it is as thrilling as those flashing lights or those stickers. Nothing quickens my pulse like that. Even being in love never did that. Is it something that perhaps only a tween can experience?
Every day, more things from my life fade away. Trends change. Businesses go out. Places once full of life fall into empty modern ruins. As you age, you often find yourself craving a candy that hasn't existed for 20 years. You long for the feel of a jacket that hasn't been made since you were in 8th grade. You feel a loss for the music show on the radio that only came on during Saturday evening and lasted until the wee hours of the night. Now it's all gone and more often than not, you're left with replacements that feel hallow and artificial.
We age as these things pass and at some point, we realize that we're like them, vessels once filled with excitement and flashing lights and thrilling surprises....that are now becoming more empty and more ruined with each year. Death stops becoming so scary and seems more like a welcome comfort, a way to run from all of this change. Some people might say that it's the change we fear, and sometimes it is. More often than not though, it's not the change so much as just the fact that the changes offer us nothing good. We feel no excitement about them. We can offer them no love.
An endless lifetime with nothing left that thrills you would be horrible. It would truly be a fate worse than death. What could be more horrible than spending day after day longing for the sounds of arcade machines and knowing that you will never again find a treasure trove of neon stickers?
As I age, however, I am beginning to understand why sadness would be more the state of the immortal. Oh, perhaps not for someone born to immortality. Creatures who were born to live forever probably have a deeply different outlook on the process. For us born with the perspective of a mortal, however, we tend to to grieve our losses and mourn what has left us. It is a fundamental part of who we are. If a person born with a mortal's sense of finality was to suddenly face an endless lifetime, what would they have except a constant state of mourning?
I find that as I age, I grieve more. I don't just mourn for those who have died, though I do that as well. This is less tangible in some ways, though so completely consuming in others. I mourn for the loss of what we once had. Do you remember what it was like to go into a video game arcade? All the noise? All the flickering lights? The pulse of excitement as you exchanged your money for tokens? How grown up did you feel, as a 11 or 12 year old, when you were dropped off there while your parents shopped? How exciting was it to purchase your own drinks and your own snacks? To be surrounded by people who were closer to your age?
Or maybe you were one of those kids who hung out at the skating rink. There was something so romantic and thrilling about the rink. Perhaps it was the round and round of the skaters, the feeling of being graceful as you glided past someone. Maybe it was the way the lights would lower and spotlights flash around as the music played. Now personally, I was never one for skating. I never really got the hang of it. That didn't stop me from going to the rink though. It was a great place to get snacks and to hang with friends. And of course, it was the only place in my town where a gumball machine existed that spit out neon Duran Duran stickers! Ahh, even thinking about that thrills me.
See, that's the thing. Nothing thrills me like that anymore. Sure, I get excited. I can be happy for the release of a book or the idea of an upcoming event. I am happy when people have parties or babies or movie nights. But none of it is as thrilling as those flashing lights or those stickers. Nothing quickens my pulse like that. Even being in love never did that. Is it something that perhaps only a tween can experience?
Every day, more things from my life fade away. Trends change. Businesses go out. Places once full of life fall into empty modern ruins. As you age, you often find yourself craving a candy that hasn't existed for 20 years. You long for the feel of a jacket that hasn't been made since you were in 8th grade. You feel a loss for the music show on the radio that only came on during Saturday evening and lasted until the wee hours of the night. Now it's all gone and more often than not, you're left with replacements that feel hallow and artificial.
We age as these things pass and at some point, we realize that we're like them, vessels once filled with excitement and flashing lights and thrilling surprises....that are now becoming more empty and more ruined with each year. Death stops becoming so scary and seems more like a welcome comfort, a way to run from all of this change. Some people might say that it's the change we fear, and sometimes it is. More often than not though, it's not the change so much as just the fact that the changes offer us nothing good. We feel no excitement about them. We can offer them no love.
An endless lifetime with nothing left that thrills you would be horrible. It would truly be a fate worse than death. What could be more horrible than spending day after day longing for the sounds of arcade machines and knowing that you will never again find a treasure trove of neon stickers?
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