End of the Second Month

 Okay.

So far, both months of this year have had major stressful events in them. So far, 2021 has felt like it's lasted ten thousand years. I think I speak for everyone when I say I'm tired of living in Interesting Times.

Calm Times, please? Boring Times? That would be very nice. 

I don't need more months of Possible Govenerment Takeover Hell or Snowhell. How about just, no more hells? Please?

Progress

I will receive my first Covid shot next Thursday. I am very relieved about this, even though my mobility issues are making me a tad nervous about how it will happen. I'll call on Monday and see what needs to be done to make this go as easy for me as possible.

I could honestly cry here. My roommate and I have tried to be so careful during this time. I've seen so very few people. I've not held my best friend's kid in over a year. And that kills me. 

Anyway, in a couple of months, maybe my life can be more normal. 

Random

I filled out the form today. I did all I could to make this happen. My stomach has been a mess all day. I probably need to get to bed earlier tonight.

I'm feeling a little random. My nerves are trying to fray. I'll be fine, but right now it's a bit much.

Mah First Silmarillion Fan Fic

Fingolfin: Fëanáro, you say you are such a good family man but do you even know the names of my children?

Fëanor: No.

Fingolfin:...........do you know the names of your own children?

Fëanor: Of course I do. Ginger Heir, Singy One, Stinky Loud One, Scowling One, Curufinwë, and Twins.

Fingolfin: That's only ONE name. The rest of those are vague descriptions.....

Fëanor: OH! Actually, I have those for your children as well. Gold Ribbons, No Ribbons, Loud Girl, and Youngest.

Fingolfin:............I suppose our brother's children only get vague descriptions as well?

Fëanor: Absolutely not! He has Artanis with the Good Hair and then some number of blonde boys. I'm not sure if they even have names or how many of them there are.

Fingolfin: To be fair, I think everyone is confused about that number.

Checkups

I had friends check on me the last few days and I really felt loved and happy about that. I received a form in the mail to fill out concerning my disability status. These things come more and more frequently now. I think I get them every year. 

It felt like Spring today, which is kind of insane considering it was so snowy last week that we didn't even have trash pickup. Everyone has tons of stuff out this week because of that.

OH! There was a groundhog or a woodchuck in the yard today. It was so cute! I really adored it and I'm happy I got to watch it wander around. 

Fully Melted

Hey! Not only is the snow all melted, but we actually opened the doors and windows today because it was warm enough to do so. This was nice. And also crazy, given that last week, the door had frost on it.

Anyway, hopefully, all the 'possible denial of services' issues are over with. Hopefully, things can just slide happily into a less evil weather experience. 

In the meantime, I will continue to knit.

First World Problems

I got out of the shower a new woman. I was clean and warm and grateful. I mean, seriously and utterly grateful.  There is nothing like the prospect of not knowing when you can take your next shower to really appreciate it when that shower happens. 

I know I live a life of deep and profound privilege, more so than most people in this world and certainly more than most generations of people who came before me. I understand this and I am thankful for what it has brought me. 

And yet, so much of what my life used to be has been stripped away or threatened over the last year. It's been emotionally difficult and I know it's been so much more so for other people. A lot of people have lost far more than I have. A lot of people have been required to risk so much more than I have. I'm not certain how much sanity any of us have left. 

I was seriously overcome with emotion when I got out of my shower. I felt saved. I felt scared. I felt whatever you call that emotion when you've been through a crisis and suddenly things snap back into being normal.  

For a little bit, I just sat naked and shivering on my bed and allowed myself to feel all the stuff. This probably sounds dramatic, but when you're living in a pandemic and a time of deep social unrest and confusion, even the little things feel like they're killing you.

Closer to Normal

More ice has melted. More streets are clear. Today we reached 50 and most of the day, we didn't have to run drips. The water tanks have refilled. 

All of this is good, but honestly I'm just so on edge because of the last year of pandemic and allll the rest of this, I'm just....I just feel like things can't get better at this point. I'm kind of out of spoons and out of hope. I'm exhausted. I think everyone else is as well. 

Melting

The water issue continues to be a Thing. This morning it sounded like things were okay, but also part of the line between our water source and our water tanks is broken so we're having trouble maintaining water levels. 

It's concerning tonight, but less concerning than it was last night. Even if we did run out of water, it would be closer to 5 AM and closer to being above freezing. We weren't above freezing today until around 1 PM. And honestly, that was the first time we were above freezing since last Saturday.

Things are improving. When I woke up this morning, I still couldn't see the street beside our house, but by evening, it was clear. The street in front of the house still has snow, but maybe by tomorrow or Sunday, that will be gone as well. 

We went shopping today. I penguin-walked to the car and mostly did okay driving my roommate to the stores. It was difficult to find stuff, but he managed. I'm a complete snow-weenus, so I was mostly scared the whole time. I have to admit though, it felt good to get out. It felt a little normal. Honestly, any bit of normal routine that we can get right now should be savored. Things are just such chaos.  

Briefly

I have a lot of important and fun stuff to post about, but I can't focus on it because my town will be running out of water in a few hours and it's making me seriously nervous. 

I'm hoping we can keep the house warm enough to keep the pipes from going, otherwise, there will be even more trouble. This is insane and stupid. People are stupid. 

State of the Winterscape

The internet died last night and did not return until around six this evening. There are rolling blackouts. The gas company keeps ending emails and telling people to conserve gas. This is bad. And there will be more snow.

My mother's side of the family suffered a shocking and terrible loss this weekend. I'm still not processing it well. All I can say now is that I hope everyone tends to their emotional and mental health. You deserve that. You need that. It should be a priority.  

Of Course

Of course, it started snowing early.
Of course, our plans to go shopping before the snow started were thwarted.  
Of course, I had to walk in snow and drive in snow and freeze in the car during snow. 

Uggh.

However.

I am safely back in my house. We did not wreck. My roommate continues to be my hero because he made that trip so much better. I do not have to leave the house for a while. Hopefully.

Disquiet

I'm terrified of falling. I've had some nasty falls that resulted in injuries that were difficult to heal. In some cases, I'm not sure they healed properly. Every fall just makes things worse.

With that in mind, I'm also rather terrified of the snow. I'll do my best if I have to go out in it, but the optimum situation is not to go out in it at all. I'm really hoping the snow doesn't start until after we come back from the store tomorrow. I just really don't want to risk things.

This hasn't been an easy day in other ways either. Trump wasn't convicted. This wasn't shocking, but it's still annoying. They let this evil, horrible person get away with everything. They keep thinking he'll change, but he doesn't. He just gets worse. Unless some other court convicts him and locks him away, he will continue to get worse. 

I'm so sick of having to worry about what horrible things the insane conservative portion of this country will do. Mind you, I don't want extremism from either side, but the conservatives can do so much more damage to me and mine. 

Right now I just want to endure through the trip to the store tomorrow and make it safely back in the house. I don't think I'll really be calm until that happens. 

Possible Snow Dump

It's possible that it will start snowing this weekend and not stop snowing until sometime next week. Just....ugh. I do not want this. It's colder than is reasonable already and I'm having trouble keeping my hands warm. 

We had to keep the stoves on most of the day, which I did not enjoy. The stoves dry everything out and make it difficult to function.

And yes, I know. I bitch bitterly about summer. I don't like extremes, Brenda. That's all it is.

No Seriously

Precious readers, it is cold. It is bone-chilling levels of stupid cold here. The cat keeps randomly jumping on me to try and get warm. I don't think it's working for her. I don't mind though because while she's on me, I can pet her and I think that's the only thing keeping my fingers warm. 

Tomorrow is supposed to be worse. This weekend is supposed to just launch that level of worst into the stratosphere. I do not want snow or ice or bitter air ripping at my soul. 

But here it is. 

Gray Day

I woke up to windows so covered in condensation that I couldn't see out of them. Everything was gray. Even when I could manage to look out, everything was still gray. We were only above freezing for a few hours.

I did my best to stay warm and happy. I read and knitted. That seems to be most of what I do these days. I also re-organized some stuff around me to try and make it function better. At least in a couple of ways, I think I succeeded.

Tomorrow we take out the trash. It's still going to be wet and gray. But winter will subside with time. Hopefully.

Very Cold Day

Okay. It was shockingly cold today. I stayed bundled up and holding a cat most of it. I'm not sure I had a choice on the cat part. The cat made that decision.

It was a good day though. I read a lot and knitted. I also used my lightbox and did a few other things to keep my spirits up. I think the plan to combat SAD is working. Mind you, it does not work on all days, but it did on this one.

Snow Saturday

For a few hours today, it snowed. None of it stuck to the ground, but we certainly had snow falling from the sky. The cats picked a human and extorted said human for warmth.

It was rather lovely. Knowing that the snow would melt and I didn't have to go out in it might I could just watch the beauty of it. Okay, to be honest, I should have been able to watch the beauty of it anyway, but we all know how sour my mind can be. 

Trying

I'm trying. 

I'm trying to stay OKAY. I'm trying to keep my brain chemicals in a good place. I'm trying to function as a normal and well-adjusted human. 

I'm trying to ignore things that I can't control and will only depress me. I'm trying to focus on things that fill me with wonder and joy. I'm trying to organize, pet my cats, knit. Reach out.

I will get through this winter.

FanGirl Moments

There should be a word for what it means to fall in love with a /ship. In my mind, it's actually more intense and real than falling in love with another person. I will acknowledge that I am strange, however. 

This happened last night. I was reading this Melkor/Sauron fanfic about the hours after the War of Wrath. Melkor is in chains in the middle of the encampment, waiting to be sent away forever. He knows it's over. Sauron knows it's over. He wants nothing more than to try and free Melkor but he's been told not to. Melkor wants him to live, to escape, to run away and cause later havoc. 

Sauron is despairing about this. Eonwe is keeping him captive and watching him closely. Sauron doesn't even care. He's close to just making a bid to free Melkor and die by his side.

Then when Eonwe is being challenged about Sauron even being kept around, the person talking makes a comment about Sauron's beautiful lips. Sauron picks up this stray thought from Eonwe about all the things he wishes those lips would be doing. 

Melkor, who still has an established mental link with Sauron, picks this thought up as well and is really amused by it. Even despite his chains and defeat, he laughs.....which basically shakes the whole camp and freaks people out. 

It's that moment of finding joy in defeat and being moved by it that makes Sauron realizes he has to continue on and live and get revenges and all of that. Not the commands of his lord and lover, but realizing that he's all that Melkor has left to find delight in. 

And that, oh my brothers and sisters, is a beautiful moment of fanfiction. It was, to my mind, deeply dramatic and romantic and I loved it so much. 

The thing is, you may read this and think it's frivolous. That's fine. I've been drained and sad and scared and just BEYOND being able to function that I needed that moment and I think it replenished a spoon. 

The Frustration Continues.

Today was frustrating. Lots of little things just kept messing with both of us. Nothing on its own was all that big of a deal, but altogether it was annoying. I'm just going to listen to music tonight and knit. Maybe regenerate a spoon or two. Maybe. 

You know what I wish existed? Cheap printers that were still capable of printing page size things while at, the same time, being small. I would love that. Just to have a small little printer beside me so I could print out things and not have it be an ordeal. Printers are always an ordeal. They shouldn't be. Ughh. 

Frustrated

Today was a day of minor frustrations. My nerves were shot. The cats kept being jerks. Everything wanted too much of my focus. I just needed to zone, hard, and for basically hours. 

Of course, I couldn't. I was supposed to tutor today and while I'd prepped most of it over the weekend, I still needed to write some questions for the assignment portion of it. And then, as always, tutoring didn't even happen. 

The thing is, I know I'm not alone. A lot of people are writing about how they're just kind of BEYOND all of it. Like I said in a few posts ago, I suspect everyone's overall number of spoons has been reduced. We just don't have a lot of anything left anymore. 2020 took too much. 

I keep hoping it will be different in the Spring, but after Spring that evil bastard Summer shows back up and then I'm hot. Ugh. 

Scheduling Panic

On Friday I tried to schedule a virtual appointment with my medical provider. They asked me the reason for the visit and I mentioned we needed to talk about my CPAP. Next thing I know, they're trying to get me to come in. On Tuesday the 2nd. So I tell them I don't think that is needed but they insist and say they'll call my CPAP provider to find out. So I wait all day and they don't call.

This means, of course, that I spent all weekend trying NOT to think about this. I tried my best to just work on my techniques to hold back panic and worry. It was no big deal. The problem is, it was a big deal. Emotionally I need a couple of weeks to really build up the spoons to face a doctor's visit. This was just too much too fast. 

And yes, I know that makes no sense. My brain gets so messed up about this stuff. Like I started having THE DARK THOUGHTS. No need to go to a doctor's appointment if you just die. No need to face anyone or have to deal with the chair or the walker of any of that or getting infected if maybe you justhaveaheartattackorabombkillsyoudeadpeoplearesolucky!!!

Yeah. That.

Anyway, today was a lot of frustrating phone tag. I fought my brain through the panic enough to remember I could just call the CPAP people (which I did) and speak directly with my case person (because I have her extension memorized) so I could explain to her what the issue was. 

The whole thing was soon handled and I don't have to deal with my doctor until March and even then it's just an evisit!!

So the panic is slowing. My brain is my best asset and sometimes my greatest foe.