New Year's Eve Eve

I've published 2555 blog posts. Cool. Anyway, it's New Year's Eve Eve and I'm clean and in a pretty good mood. I have some pain in my shoulders, but the meds are keeping it in check as long as I don't knit for too long at a time.

Tomorrow will be the one year mark of Millie living with us. She is certainly one of those cats who teaches you about unconditional love. By that, I mean I love her dearly but she's a pain in the ass most of the time. She knocks things over, she won't leave you alone in the bathroom, she scratches at my chair, and she's a piss to Tinkerbell. Despite her flaws, I still love her and I'm so happy she's part of my life.

I'm feeling really blessed tonight. My life is very full of conversation and laughter. I have animals that I love. I have people that I love. I get to live a strange little existence on my own terms. Tonight, I am thankful and happy.

Changes

Today my roommate set up the TV. The change was pretty intense, but the TV looks good in the space. It actually covers it better than the old TV did. We decided the old TV was judgy.

I also switched the tables and reorganized my part of the living room. It's nice. Overall, the whole situation feels better. I'm glad for the changes and hope they'll add peace to the house.

2018 Highlights

Hey, I'm not depressed today! The chemicals are working right! With that in mind, I felt I could write a Best of 2018 list!

Here we go!

• Camilla. After losing my beloved Rhiannon and Rowan, I just really felt a lot of grief. That didn't end when Millie ran into the house to become our kitty, but it certainly brought a new level of joy to my life. I am so thankful she is here and I love her.
• Tinkerbell. Tink has been with us for several years now, but this is the first year she decided we could be friends. One random day this summer, she hopped up on my lap and let me pet her. Since then, we have grown closer. She'll never be a clingy kitty with me, but at least she doesn't hiss when she sees me anymore.
• I advocated for my comfort. I got a wheelchair so I could handle distances better. It isn't a perfect situation and I'm not getting to access it as much as I would like, but it's still helped in certain situations. I'm glad I did it.
• I delivered a damn fine eulogy. The best part about this is that I kept basically the only promise my grandfather ever asked of me. I usually fail at that kind of thing, so keeping the promise and doing the eulogy well means a lot. 
• I learned a new technique in knitting. I was curious about something, researched it, and learned how to do it (reasonably well). It's given me confidence t really finish some stuff and deal with this massive stash of yarn I have.
• I got a new chair. Which, okay, this happened because my old chair broke and that was really humiliating. It shouldn't be. The chair was from the '80s. Anyway, getting the new chair has been so good for me. I did not realize the level of discomfort I was in before until that discomfort was gone. 
• I experienced a few weeks of feeling emotionally and mentally great. During Spring, I had this time when I was mellow. My thoughts were even. My chemicals were even. It was SO good. It was honestly the best I've felt in decades. I long to find that again.
• I survived. This year was A LOT. I lost my last grandparent. I had a Rubicon argument with someone. I fell and damaged a lot of things on my body. I screwed up my foot and almost couldn't walk on it for about a month. I got a horrible stomach virus that is still causing me issues. This year brought me to almost the pain levels of post-surgery days, but with no high-level pain meds to take the edge off. I also experienced some intense depression. Oh, and I lost my therapist. Despite all of that, I survived. I kept going, even when I didn't want to, even in the moments when only hate and spite were pushing me forward. I'm glad I did too because I found some neat stuff afterward and moved out of the hate and spite, back into my usual mode of whatever this is. Grateful snarkiness or something. 

The Best-Laid Plans

It's past Christmas and some of the things I'd wanted to do haven't happened yet. My dad gave me his old TV, but it didn't have a remote so we're going to need to buy a universal one before we can set the TV up.

I also asked for an organizer table and, while I did receive one, it isn't exactly the one I asked for. I'm not trying to be ungrateful here. This isn't about not getting the right pair of chacha heels. The one I wanted had canvas drawers that only needed to be unfolded. This one has drawers that have to be constructed. Five of them.

Needless to say, due to stupid winter light and general frustration, we only got one drawer completed. The rest will happen as strength allows. In the meantime, no new organization for me.

FYI

I had a former student tell me that I really helped to shape the direction of her life when I taught her. It felt good for all of three seconds, then my mind started flooding me with the countless other students that I taught. I could have been a light for them too, but I wasn't. My happiness and the pride I felt was gone, replaced with guilt, shame, and a sense of failure.

That, oh brothers and sisters, is the depression in action. I know this isn't true, but it's what the chemicals do to me. My body tries to sustain this hell and any positive chemicals I produce are basically seen as unwelcome. And no, it isn't always like this, but on the days when it is, it's nasty.

Holidaze

Both Christmas and birthday went well. I got the stuff I wanted plus a few surprises. Our Christmas day movie was good. Overall, great holiday.

Reflection

Tomorrow is my 45th. This has been a weird year. I lost family, gained a new cat, was enlightened to some things that shifted the way I saw a situation, and spent a good deal of time uncomfortable and in pain. Seriously, I didn't enjoy this year when I had to deal with the reality of my body or situation.

When I got to escape all that shit, it was pretty great. I found a wonderful yarn guru, watched some great shows, discovered some awesome bands, and proved a couple of interesting points to myself.

Oh. I also called the cops on a man beating his wife and was called a  fat ugly cunt. I laughed and laughed when he said that and delivered what I felt was a beautiful retort.

I'm not the same person I was at the beginning of this year. I'm not sure what to do with that yet and not super positive I'll figure it out. I mean, let's face it, I haven't fixed my life in 45 years. I probably won't do it in this one either.

What would l like out of this new rotation around the sun?

1. More Chinese food. I didn't eat enough of that this year.

2. Peace and quiet. In fact, I think the theme for my life from now on is a more peaceful, quiet existence. This is kind of difficult with a young cat.

3. I have some private personal goals that I will not state, but I hope to stick to them.

4. The accomplishment of more acts of creativity.

Yule

My best friend and I wrote two Hallmark holiday movies today, well, the basic plots of them anyway. It was so fun. Then we sang a bunch of songs and watched holiday specials. It was a good start to the holiday.

I finished the baby's hat. It sucks. But I tried it on her and know how to fix it. It's good to be more confident about this stuff. Not sure when I'll start it again. Maybe tomorrow.

The Edge

When I was younger, my mom would sometimes drive us up to Lover's Leap on Sugarloaf Mountain. She wouldn't talk a lot on the way up there, she'd just drive around the winding access road and smoke. Her energy was always twitchy, but on these trips, I would find myself being extra nervous. I always assumed it was because I had some PSTD connected with heights and winding roads, but maybe there was more to it than that.

When we'd reach our destination, she would park the car and get out. She would order me to be quiet. Then she'd walk to the edge and just stand there for a while. I would never go near it because it scared me, so I never saw her expression. I have no idea what she was thinking about.

Maybe she was just trying to find some solitude. It's possible the view calmed her down in a way nothing else would. Maybe she found it romantic because people had died there together, or so the story goes. She was never much of the romantic type, but everyone has their kicks.

Was she thinking about jumping? Maybe. In my darker moments, I've considered it. Actually one of my ways to get me OUT of being suicidal is to think about jumping and those last moments when everything is just peaceful because you know soon it will end and there is not one damned thing you can do anymore. That kind of chemical release is usually enough to flood out the despair that got me to feeling suicidal anyway.

I would have never blamed my mom for ending her life. I never hold that against anyone. I do, however, take issue with the idea of her driving her small child up there with here and possibly killing herself.

This is how twisted my relationship was with my mother. I can actually SEE her doing that as a kind of dark revenge against me. Go up there with this burden of a kid she hated, jump off the cliff, and leave the kid to panic and try to fend for herself. Who knows who long I would have been up there before someone even found me.

God. If Mom was suicidal at the time, the perverse joy of my fear and suffering was probably enough to wash the despair out of her and help her to go on. The concept of my terror-filled wailing and vulnerability probably saved her countless times in the early days. 

Birthday Cake

My roommate got me a cake for my birthday! It was an early cake, but I'm cool with that. My birthday gets caught in everything else too so having it early makes things easier.

We're going super simple with the Christmas meal this year. It was so rough on Thanksgiving because of the stomach hell. We ended up tossing stuff out because we just couldn't finish it. When you think about the fact that we really scale down what we eat anyway, that's kind of amazing. We just didn't have the appetite for it.

Honestly, the stomach virus really did a number on us. I'm still not the same. I never feel normal now. I either feel just a little queasy or seriously hellishly queasy. It's been the same with my roommate.

Anyway, yeah, simple meal plans for the holiday. Hopefully those won't be foiled by more puking.

A Winter Goal

I went looking for some yarn I THOUGHT I had and didn't find it. In the process, I found a lot of other odds and ends of tangled up yarn that need to be used. I have a plan.

I have three projects set for my next few weeks. One of them might be shelved because it's just sort of a whim thing anyway. Two of them need to happen, but past that, all effort will be going toward Operation: Deal with this Yarn.

A while back, I started a ten stitch blanket and didn't finish it. I know where it is and once I'm finished with the current projects, all effort will be toward getting that blanket finished with the odds and ends of yarn. I want things to be useful and functional, not just sitting around collecting dust for years and years. I mean, I have a whole other box of yarn I've not even looked at yet because I have so much in here I can't add it to the piles.

Decluttered

Ahhhhhh!! My desk organizer is now on my desk. There is a drawer for my random stuff, my art stuff, and my keys/glasses/phone. I have a clean space in front of it. Nothing is falling. It is SO glorious.

This area annoyed me every day. Things always fell. Things were always lost. It was always a mess, no matter how much I tried to straighten it up. It's like this almost purry happiness I have right now.

Seriously, if you can isolate an area of your life that constantly annoys you and you find a way to fix it, it does wonders to your mood. YAY!!

Finished

I mean, seriously, it did turn out really cute. I'm so pleased with the way the pattern worked. It's a delightfully adorable hat. YAY!

Cute Hat

I don't know why I didn't post last night. I started kind of over on my current knitting project and reworked it to where it made more sense. Now I'm almost to the point of finishing it. It's super cute but I'm not sure if it will fit right. You know, the usual stuff.

We're getting closer to my birthday. I'm thinking I should maybe try to mark that in the blog somehow. Not sure how though, not yet.

Reminders

After I wrote my post, I realized that one of the reasons I was so emotional yesterday was because it was my grandfather's birthday. It was also my great-grandmother's birthday, my cousin's birthday, and the birthday of one of my friends. Now only two of those people are left.

Getting older is weird. I don't feel like I've lost my looks or whatever. Can't lose what you never had! No, for me it's like I just feel this enormity of the years. So much change around me, so very little change in my own life. I just feel buried under all of it.

I've mentioned this before, but I really dislike December.

AND We're Back

Bah! My SAD (seasonal affect disorder) is so bad today. Yesterday was nice but today I've basically been on the verge of tears. And I hate my new hat.

Anyway, I'm trying my best to handle it. Hopefully it'll even out soon.

A Good Day

The depression wasn't so bad today! I think it helped that I spent most of the day knitting and focused on my count. Numbers save me, who would have thought?

I considered putting another color into the hat, but nothing I have really worked with my yarn. My roommate, who has a better eye for color than I do, pointed out that everything that didn't clash would blend in so much it wouldn't be worth the effort. Oh well.

The important thing is that I'm writing this and feeling good about it.

Plans and Corrections

Today I self-corrected the mistakes I was making on a knitting project. At least, I THINK I corrected them. The numbers were where they needed to be by the time I finished my row, so hopefully it's fixed. 

I also remeasured my noggin because, despite math, my hats have still been a bit loose. I think I fixed that we well, though we really won't know until I'm finished. We'll see.

Today we went shopping and into town for a couple of last minute holiday things. My sister-in-law also called to confirm the 24th as our night for celebrating. I'm not sure how that will go because my brother will be arriving in town that evening from like a ten hour drive. He may be grumpy and annoyed the whole time. We'll see.

Christmas Practicality

I found an organizer that sits under my monitor. It has three drawers and it's going to solve the most annoying thing about my day.

Even though I try my hardest to declutter the computer desk, I'm always pulling things back to it. This stuff gets jumbled and twisted up and falls. It drives me crazy.

By Christmastime, this won't be a problem anymore. I'll have three compartments to organize my stuff. I've even made a little chart about what will go where. I'm so excited. I'm not being sarcastic about that ever. This is awesome.

Not So Special

Normally I love most things RuPaul does, but I was disappointed with the holiday special. Instead of being something fun and campy, it was just a really scripted hour-long commercial for Ru's new holiday album. So annoying.

Look, I have nothing against Ru's level of promotion. It's taken the Queen this far and will continue to do so, but I wish they'd been more upfront about what this special was supposed to be. This was kind of like thinking you've gotten a card in the mail and when you open it, it's just some bait and switch of a company trying to sell you insurance.

I Fell on Black Days

Yeah the depression is hitting hard. I spent quite a lot of last night trying to justify existence and today I finished a project and could only see the flaws. The animosity my mental state causes over all of my creations is one of the many reasons I never had children. I was terrified I'd just hate them as an extension of the seething anger my depression causes in all things connected to me.

I really should have expected this. I basically drained my whole system of happy meds during the worst part of the virus. It will probably take me a month or so to build back my resistance.

Tactics

Tomorrow will make two weeks since I got the virus. I'm glad I'm better, though I'm by no means 100%. Things are still weird for both of us. It doesn't feel like December at all.

I have stuff to watch but my mind doesn't want to go there. This means my depression is trying to kick back in, which I suppose isn't all that shocking. I'll try to stave it off by thinking about historic conquest.

Battle Music

I'm really into folky/battle/various cultures metal right now. It's suiting my current mood and my growing obsession with another historic warrior. (As you know, I've already gone through this with Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar).

Anyway, I'm really enjoying the new playlist. I listen to it while I knit, which is some serious contrast I'm sure.

Reboots and the Princesses of Power

I learned my lesson about hostility over reboots with Star Wars: Rebels. I was angry about this show. Disney bought Star Wars, killed Clone Wars, and announced they would start their own show. I felt like they were some asshole male lion who took over a pride and killed all the lion cubs so the females would go back in heat. It pissed me off and for years, in fact, until the show had ended, I refused to watch it. Then I decided to trust my roommate about how good it was and now I rank it as one of the best shows I've ever seen.

After that, I vowed to keep an open mind about reboots. In some cases, there has been disappointment and annoyance (Teen Titans Go!), but in other cases, I've been very happy with the results. This was basically my feeling going into the whole She-Ra situation.

For a show that I don't know that many people watched or even thought that much about, people have been ANGRY about the She-Ra reboot. They hate the art. They hate the redesigns. They hate all of it. People vowed it was the worst show ever and questioned anyone who said anything positive about it. Articles ranted about. People scream that it's stripping all femininity out of cartoons. Anyone who likes it is lying and ONLY saying so because they're liberal and too blind to accept how bad this is.

Despite all of this, I tried to keep an open mind. Unlike a lot of people, I actually did watch She-Ra when I was younger. I was interested to see what a reboot would be like.

This wasn't like the most important thing on my mind. I've been sick and distracted and basically forgot the show had started. Then I read an article about Entrapta and got all excited about it.

I'd actually had an Entrapta action figure when I was younger. I liked the character's design, though they never did all that much with her on the show (that I remember, it's been a long time). The reboot of her sounded amazing. With that in mind, I started watching.

As much as I wanted to keep an open mind, the barrage of complaints about the show kept running through my thoughts. The show was an attack on any kind of gender. The show pushed agendas. The show was poorly written. The show tried to push political ideals over substance.

I really didn't find any of that to be the case. Now, keep in mind, I'm admittedly rather liberal myself about things, but at the same time, I'm also a consumer of media and get highly annoyed when I feel I'm being preached to. Trust me, I would have picked up on this. Actually, I found the opposite to be true.

Instead of pushing an agenda, the show structured certain aspects of the world to just be the culture of that world and then don't call attention to it. This is an alien world with other ideas about sexuality and gender roles. Do you see same-sex couples? Yes. But in this world, that is common. No one remarks on it. Netossa and Spinnerella may be in a relationship, but it is far less remarked on than the relationship between SeaHawk and Mermista because it isn't a plot point. An agenda is being pushed when characters are stepping outside of the plot to discuss how wonderful the idea being pushed is. That doesn't happen here. It's just part of their culture.

Speaking of Spinnerella, she is part of another major complaint about the show. She, along with Glimmer, Frosta, and Scorpia, all have larger than usual body shapes. People complained that the show was sacrificing the integrity of the original characters to promote an agenda of fat acceptance. Again, no one remarked on any of these people looking different. No agenda was being preached. In fact, what is remarkable about the cartoon is that you don't see any two people with the same body shape. Even background characters are shorter or taller, rounder, thinner, more square, or whatever, just as people really are in life. To me, the fact that we get characters with various body shapes added to the art. It didn't take away from it.

I also take issue with the idea that these characters are fat.  Okay, Glimmer is chunky and pear-shaped. However, there are a lot of teen girls who look just like this for a while. When we meet her aunt, we see the shape she'll probably have when she's fully grown.....thicker, but clearly healthy. To me, Spinnerella looks more like a softball player and as for Scorpia, I'm guessing that's just how her people are built to handle the tail.

Are body types mentioned? Yes. But in this case, they are mentioned as a plot point. When Catra is recruiting Entrapta, she comments that Adora and the others seem to be more comfortable with people who look more like what we would consider humans. It's actually a valid point and one I hope gets addressed in later seasons. On Etheria, it seems the more you stray into an animistic form, the less acceptance you have.

Catra was another anger point people had with the show because she is more of a catgirl than a woman in a mask like she was in the original. I got over this quickly because Catra is honestly the best character on the show. Her relationship with Adora is complex and nuanced. In many instances, she's in the right about the whole thing. Her reasons for doing what she does are clear and rational. Her motivations aren't just 'oh I do this because I'm evil.' I found myself cheering her successes as much as I did those of the other side because her plans are usually great. I don't want Catra punished or harmed. I want her and Adora to find common ground.

In fact, Catra is really the character that let me see where this shows biggest influences were coming from. Since the first She-Ra aired, we've had decades of anime. We've gone from the typical Magical Girl trope to people who wrote about it, rewrote the structure of it, and redefined what it means. We've also had a great deal of anime that played with gender roles, sexuality, ships, and the deeply delightful energy between foes. This kind of influence leads to NO scene between Adora and Catra being boring. In fact, their story just gets better as the season progresses.

Relationships are the fulcrum of this show. Adora struggles with guilt over doing the right thing by leaving the Hoard, while knowing that meant she left Catra and to a lesser extent Shadoweaver (there is a great deal of sadness in her voice when she talks about Shadoweaver being the only mom she ever knew). Adora, Bow, and Glimmer constantly learn about how to function as friends. Catra grows stronger due to the complete acceptance she gets from Scorpia and gives to Entrapta.

Aside from Adora and Catra, the best relationship on the show is between Glimmer and her mother Angella. One of the foundational events that happened before the show surrounds the death of Glimmer's father Micah. He was killed in an early battle against the Hoard and his death basically fractured any alliance between the various lands. Angella has been mourning him ever since and is overprotective of their only child because of it. Glimmer also mourns her father but does so by pushing the idea of fighting against the people who killed him and avenging his death. This causes a great deal of conflict between mother and daughter until they come to an understanding about it. It isn't an easily resolved situation. It requires both of them learning and growing.

The show does relationships right. It does character growth right. People fail. People make mistakes. People make mistakes that have consequences for episodes to come, perhaps for seasons to come. They recognize these mistakes and try to move on from them. No one is perfect and nothing is just black and white. The fact that I am just as concerned about what happens to the people Catra commands as I am to the princess alliance says a lot about how well they are developing these characters.

Look, I still get that this show won't be for everyone. Sometimes reboots just don't sit well with others. Even as open as I try to be about things, I STILL refuse to watch any version of The Grinch except for the cartoon. However, in this case, I am MORE than pleased that I let myself watch the reboot. I loved this and I'm looking forward to the next season.

Quick Post

Internet is being a little shaky so I'll make this quick. I'm feeling better. It's storming. I found Mongolian folk metal and it's wonderful.

There will be Spending

The agitator on the washer broke today and it was $75 to fix it. That's less expensive than a new washer, but it was still almost a hundred dollars we didn't need to be spending.

Last year my birthday/Christmas money was spent to fix my windshield. This year, it will be spent on a new mattress. I have to admit, this terrifies me. Have you ever read mattress reviews? It's basically horror stories about people spending money to receive back pain. I need a new mattress, but I'm not sure this is worth it. Ugggh.

On the bright side, no one puked today.

Progress Again

We managed to get the trash out today! My roommate handled it better than I did. I'm lumbering around here like gimpy Frankenstein in need of an electrical charge.

I think I mentioned a while back that I signed up for a newsletter from the woman who did the tutorial over my hat knitted from the upside down. I am so glad I did this because, honestly, this woman has taught me more about knitting than I've learned in all the years I've been doing this. I don't know what it is about her method of teaching, but it seriously works for me. So thankful for that.

A Day of Broth

Even though we managed to eat dinner and I actually had somewhat of an appetite as the evening wore on, we just had broth for our first two meals. It was honestly all we could handle.  I also managed to eat some trail mix and granola bars.

My only accomplishment today was situating my bed back on its frame. This took a lot of effort on my part, to be honest. Tomorrow I have to put out more. I need to shower, go out and run some errands, and prepare myself for going to Fort Smith on Thursday.

Baby Steps

Normally on Mondays we go grocery shopping. We both decided that would not be happening today due to illness/general weakness. We needed to pay a bill and check on the mail, so we inched our way out of the house to do that.

Even though all I did was drive, I was still exhausted by the time we got home. Planning on taking tomorrow to rest up as much as I can and hopefully by Wednesday, I'll be doing better.

Not Good

And now my roommate has the stomach virus. I seriously hope this isn't something that's going to hope between us until one of us dies. I'm doing my best to sanitize things, but I'm not really sure how much good it's doing. Hopefully we will survive this.

Artists

This morning has not been fun. My stomach decided it hated me, the world, and everything inside it. However, I choose not to focus on that.

What I am going to focus on is how amazing it is to be part of my FB knitting community right now. They are producing and posting some of the most beautiful stuff. The scarves, the shawls, even some of the basic things like the hats have blown my mind. It's stunning.

Today a woman posted a little Barbie dress she made for her grandkid. This sparked a discussion from other members about how when they were kids, their grandmas/mothers made clothes for their dolls. I read so much love and gratitude in that conversation. It just made me feel all fuzzy and happy inside.

Better

Whenever I'm sick, I always have this thought that if I could only just eat this way all the time, I'd be thin in a couple of years. Hah.

I do feel somewhat better. This morning I was still nauseated and really dizzy, so I had to skip shopping with my roommate. Later I managed to get through two meals and a snack. I've also kept up my liquids so I didn't have to deal with dehydration on top of everything else.

Tomorrow is a month from my birthday, a month and a day from Christmas, and a month and a week from New Year's Eve. The back half of this year has just flown by and a lot of things have changed for me.

I do believe I am more clear-headed for it. 

Bad Thanksgiving

I was sick all day. I kept thinking I was going to puke and my stomach has been a pit of nausea. Eventually I felt well enough to eat just a small meal and actually felt irrationally proud of the fact that I could.

I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Plans Fixedish

I scrambled and found alternative stuff to suggest to the step-mom. My roommate's order got here on time, although that was kind of iffy until the moment it actually happened.

It's been seriously dark the last few days and I've been experiencing very deep sleep. Hopefully this will restore some energy and peace to me.

Also, happy Thanksgiving.

Plans Awry

It seems like all the plans for this week (and going forward) are messed up. Not only are my Thanksgiving plans going to be different this year, but other plans we both made in the midst of it are messing with us as well.

For instance, my roommate ordered something (well in advance) so it would arrive tomorrow. Wednesday is about the last day he could get it before we're into holiday mess that would keep it arriving until probably Tuesday of next week. Even though he tried to make this work, he still had to spend most of the day on the phone dealing with people who seemed hellbent on messing it up.

I had a plan for my holiday gift from my stepmother, but when I told my dad about it, he said it seemed too complicated for her to arrange and suggested I look for other stuff. I wasn't MARRIED to the idea of this gift so that's fine, except now I'm having to scramble about what else to get. I'll find something, but right now I have no idea what.

Other than that, things seem to be fine.

New Hat Completed

The third attempt at this hat is finished. The first one was way too big. The second one is just a little too loose. This one is still by no means snug, but it fits the best of the three. I also did it in a lighter yarn, so it isn't heavy on my head. Warm but not heavy is important, especially when you're prone to hot flashes.

It isn't perfect. I still have some places where I had to mend things to make it look presentable, but for the most part, it is exactly what I need for the winter.

This journey began with me wondering if I could construct a knitted hat from the top down the way I would crochet one. The answer is not only yes but it's basically the same idea. In fact, because this made so much more sense to me, I was able to realize I could do it from the bottom up if I needed to because I understand decreasing now.

Overall, this was a good exploration for me.

Observations instead of Complaining

There is nothing quite like the look of desire in a cat's face when you're knitting with fascinating sticks and fascinating yarn and you just won't let the cat have any of it. I guess it's more of a combo of desire and trying to guilt the human into giving her things.

My holiday shopping is completed, much thanks to my roommate who did the footwork on it. I am very happy this is all finalized and ready. No last minute panic for me. Yay!

I talked to my sister-in-law tonight about holiday plans. She invited me to go along with them to her brother's house for Thanksgiving but said she wasn't sure if they would be visiting the Dunns anymore on Thanksgiving. My grandfather was really the glue that held that side of the family together. Neither my father nor my aunt really has a house big enough to handle all of us. My brother's house is big enough to host, as is my cousin's, but my cousin's husband and my sister-in-law basically hate each other so I don't know that either of those options will ever work for anyone. Holidays as a family group may be over.

That's weird to think about. I've been doing Christmas Eve with my Dad's family since I was a baby. I realize these things don't last forever. It's an odd thing to lose it. Maybe it will only be for this year, but somehow I doubt that.

Complaining

It was very cold this morning. I had to wait for the car to defrost before I could leave. I had a sinus headache most of the night and didn't sleep well. It's making my teeth hurt and it's making me dizzy. I just need to sit in the quiet for a while.

Not Wellish

I borrowed the title from my roommate because we're basically in the same boat. Neither of us has felt that well all week and we don't know why. Maybe it's the heaters being on now or maybe just the general nastiness of the weather. Actually, the truth is, I've not felt well in a few weeks, it's just that on top of all the sinus hell, there has also been this added nausea.

Blah. Maybe it will pass soon. I need to be able to function at least somewhat over the next few weeks.

Flipping the Flaw

The hat I'm working on now is variegated and I didn't really have anything I wanted to pair with it to break up the colors. with that in mind, I decided to add interest with design. I'm putting a couple of bands of purling to create some texture. It's something I'm seeing as a trend in hats this year.

The neat thing about this is the fact that it works because of a general design flaw. Most people purl at a different tension than they knit. Because of this, even keeping the same number of stitches per line looks like you added quite a few. I love this because it's a way to flip something that is often a struggle into an asset.

To me, this is an example of truly creative thinking. Is it a good idea to learn to work your tension the same for both? Of course it is. However, if there is an advantage to be found with the flaw, by all means, find it.

Best out of Three Maybe

I'm doing another hat. The last one worked, but it was still a bit too big. I measured it for the size I need and I THINK I have the math right this time. I think. I'm hoping? We'll see.

Other than that, it's cold as hell already. I have a feeling we're in for a rough winter. All the hats may be needed.

Faster

I can't believe it's already a week into this month. As fast as October passed by, this month seems to be flying. That's so annoying after summer dragged on forever and September seemed to dig hooks in me for years. We're two weeks away from Thanksgiving.

I believe things will be lowkey for me this year. Most of my Christmas shopping is finished and as for what I want, it's mostly just online things. I have plans, but they're hard to explain in terms of someone buying me a gift about it.

Mostly I just want to stay safe, warm, and sane.

First Holiday Meh Post of the Season

I am already sick of holiday commercials. Not the ones that talk about the holiday itself, but all the ones that are trying to get you to buy stuff. There seems to be this kind of expectation for people to buy, not a desperation, more like a kind of nagging entitlement that everyone should go out and spend all their money on gifts. If you don't, you're not showing your love. It's so annoying.

The gifts they're pushing seem to be more expensive this year too. Dyson put out a kit for hair. It's called the Dyson Airwrap and it does a lot of stuff. It dries your hair, straightens it, gives it amazing curls, and makes it look amazing, all with air instead of heat. It's supposed to be great. It's also like eight hundred dollars. New hair gadgets are a staple of holiday shopping but that is a LOT of money to spend on something to keep your hair looking cute when you can get a blowdryer and a flat iron for 40$.

This is nothing compared to the Brava Smart Oven. I saw a commercial for it and got curious about what it could do. I'm all for the concept of unconventional kitchens and it seemed to check a lot of boxes. From what I've read, it really does. The Brava uses light tech to cook food and is supposed to do it in a very perfected way to where the meals turn out amazing and you don't have to keep checking on them. The oven knows what to do.

It costs around a thousand for the oven and then another 250$ or so for the equipment to put in it. BUT that isn't even the kicker with this machine. While you can put anything you buy grocery-wise into it, it's recommended that you use their food delivery service. They'll send you products cut and curated especially for the oven at about 15-30$ per serving. In other words, you get the machine and then start a subscription to a food service. It's kind of like when VCRs first came out and all the tapes for them were really expensive.

Who has the money for this? Who has the money for this who isn't already employing someone to cook for them or is so into their own cooking that they have a great kitchen/food setup and would never do this kind of thing anyway? Who would buy this?

Uhhh. Anyway, I actually did the adult thing I talked about doing and bought dental insurance. It isn't horribly expensive but I'll need to make sure I keep some extra money back every month to pay for it. Darn,  that means I won't be getting those two servings of a Brava meal.

Overdue

So I'm going to get dental insurance. I've found a plan that is marginally affordable and might allow me to swing whatever hell they're going to have to do. I've not had dental insurance since I was probably 20. I know that sounds crazy, but it's just never been something I could easily manage.

Anyway, I need to be an adult about this and tend to my teeth. I'm terrified of dentists, but whatever. I'll just go on autopilot and disassociate while I'm there.

Fall Back

For the most part, my celebratory naps on the first day of Fall Back were just awesome. Glorious in fact.

I know the change isn't great for everyone. The darkness isn't easy and I know a lot of people are affected in bad ways by it. There are times when even I am. I guess the deal is that it makes me feel safe for a while. No idea why. I usually don't feel that way so I want to savor it for just a little while.

Hopefully the coming months will be peaceful and easy.

Monkey Bars

In Sims 4, one of the aspirations for your child sim is Motor Skills. It's the foundation for all of their adult physical abilities. The hardest level of it involves completing the motor skill itself, beating a difficult typing game on the computer, and making it across the monkey bars 3 times. When I read that last requirement, I always feel a little internal twinge.

When I was in early elementary school, our social scene revolved around the monkey bars. In order to talk to people and be viewed as socially worthy, you stood in line at the bars, took your turn, and then repeated this process until the bell rang.

I entered kindergarten as a fat kid so there was never this instance where I was a normal size to my peers. I would stand in line with the others and watch as kids would sail across those bars, their hands confidently grasping each rung with a solid thunk. As my place in line crept closer to the ladder, I would feel my heart begin to race. My mouth would go dry and I'd pause in conversations as the dread began to take over. By the time I was climbing the ladder, I would hope, in a kind of frantic way, that this time might be different.

It was never different. I would grasp the first bar and hang there, trying to will my arm to reach for the second one and knowing in a growing panic that it wouldn't. I would freeze in place until either the pain was too much or my hands were so sweaty they would let go.

People would sigh. People would roll their eyes or shake their heads. I would feel this complete shame and then for some stupid reason take my place at the end of the line to repeat the whole process.

I would have failed my Motor Skill Aspiration as a sim child.

I failed it as a real child too. When it came to physical things, I was always The Worst. I was the worst tetherball player. I was the worst volleyball player. They aimed for me in dodgeball and I couldn't shoot a basket to save my life. I couldn't climb the rope in middle school. Hell, I had to be pulled off the field when I tried to run a lap in middle school because I almost fainted.

When I quit band the summer before my junior year, I told my mom about it when I saw her at Pizza Hut one day. She told me that was for the best considering everyone just made fun of me when I was on the field anyway. It's the kind of statement from your mother that sinks into your soul and never really leaves you.

And so here I am as an adult. I'm very fat. It hurts to stand up. It hurts to stand in place. Walking in a combination of pain and fright that I might fall and do more damage to myself. I'm a let down to my friends because I'm a hassle any time they want to do something. I'm frustrated and frustrating to others.

Is there a point to this? Actually, yes. The thing about the monkey bars is that it's something accomplished during playtime, but that doesn't mean adults can't contribute to the situation. Maybe if someone would have worked with me, helped me, encouraged me, taught me how to tackle the problem as something I could overcome (instead of just believing I was doomed to fail), then perhaps the results in my adult life would be different. I'm not blaming the totality of my current situation on what adults did or did not do. I made decisions here along the way.

HOWEVER, if you are an adult with influence on a child, think about what you can teach them and HOW you can teach them that might make an impact on their views about their shortcomings. Take time to work with them to overcome the obstacle. Maybe set up a system that IS achievable to them at their current level as a way to help them build strength toward the thing they can't do at the moment. Don't coddle them, but don't berate them either. Teach them that life is harsh, but we're stronger.

As for me, well.....I guess I'll have to find my own way to see if I can get across all the metaphorical monkey bars.

2500

I've written over 2500 posts on this blog. I've covered several years of my life here, recording boring details, intense thoughts, insanity, disappointment, anger, discovery, joy, fear, cancer, recovery, and death. Well, not my death, clearly, but death.

Sometimes I think about quitting, but never for very long. Doing the blog is part of my nightly ritual now. It's now I wind down my day. It's also how I vaguely keep track of what's happening in my life. If for no other reason, I'll keep going for that.

Rooms of Color

I'm not even sure how old I was when I first saw this series of rooms of color on tv. I just remembered seeing them, being mystified by them and perhaps a little scared.

When I was somewhat older, I realize it was from Vincent Price's version of The Masque of the Red Death. There were my rooms of color and a very clear understanding of why I found this sinister.

I kind of forgot about all of this until last night when I saw the movie again. AMC was showing a whole marathon of Vincent Price movies and Masque was one of them. Those rooms are so fascinating, as is the ending when all the various colored versions of death show up.

Halloween Eve

Tomorrow is Halloween. I have plans to spend the night with my best friend. We're going to scare children as we give them candy. It's going to be so fun.

It's also supposed to rain, so it's possible we won't have any kids at all. If they don't, hey, more candy for us. YAY.

Past that, my favorite holiday is this weekend. Fall Back when I get my hour returned to me! This is also a very good thing.

I am in a good mood right now.

Rough Week

There was a lot of evil this week. People were shot for being something the shooters hated. Bombs were sent to people who the bombers disagreed with. Other people who agree with these terrorists laughed about it online. If they weren't laughing, they were denying or accusing or trying to derail things.

I think the thing that hurt me the most was that one of the women killed in the synagogue shooting was a Holocaust survivor. How horrible is that? You survive this nightmare of the darkest, lowest crap you think people can do to you only to end your life decades later because people still hate you, just because of your religion?

I don't even know how to process that.

Cat Love

Millie slept with me last night. She didn't sleep ON me, but she slept near. It was nice to have a cat with me again. I've missed that.

This time last year, I felt catless. I'd lost Salem, Rhiannon, and Rowan. Tink, the last cat in the house, didn't like me. She'd hiss at me when I walked in the room.

Now Tink will let me pet her and she'll purr. She'll sit with me for a while and look at me like she enjoys my existence. And of course, Millie has joined us. She's young and her energy can get on everyone's nerves, but at times she's sweet and loving.

I feel so very blessed to have them both.

Drained

I have no idea what's up with me but I have been super tired for days now. Like worse than usual. My roommate thinks we may have lowkey caught some bug and I think he may be right.

I'm just draggy and ick feeling. I wish I could get past this because I have stuff I need to do.

On a positive note, Christmas gifts are being bought and planned. I should be on top of that this year. Yay.

Metaphors

I was watching a documentary over horror movies yesterday and when they talked about Nightmare on Elm Street, an interesting point was brought up. A lot of people who are fans of that series saw the dynamic of Nancy/Freddy as a metaphor for what was happening in their own lives. 

Freddy attacked in dreams, using people desires, fears, even what made them feel safe against them. He was violent, but always with an edge of cruel humor, as if nothing in the world amused him more than what he was doing. Nancy's survival was more about a matter of will than of physical strength. She had to be emotionally and mentally better than he was. She couldn't let him overcome her spirit.

People began to talk about how a lot of fans who had been bullied or existed as outsiders used this dynamic as inspiration to handle their own oppression. In Nancy, they saw the spirit of someone willing to overcome even the nastiest and most evil of foes. It gave them strength to resist the people who were trying to destroy them.

The filmmakers talked about how this was unexpected. The idea of the Final Girl wasn't new by the time these movies started, but something about the way Freddy tried to grind down the spirit and Nancy's unwillingness to let him really spoke to people. How cool is that?

Damage

Today someone (or some group) terrorized two former presidents and a news media outlet. Everything was defused, but it's scary and it makes me angry. Though no one is for sure, more than likely this was domestic terrorism, caused by someone who disagreed with the politics of those sent the packages.

It's sad and more than a little disturbing that people who claim to love this country would do something so fundamentally against the nature of what the USA is supposed to stand for. We are not a nation where people should be settling things with violence and threats. We're a nation where reason, voting, and rationality are supposed to guide us. I realize I'm being idealistic about that, but still.

I'm tired, you know? I was hoping people who settle down and be less awful after they got their Donald elected, but they actually seem worse now.

Hat Results

The second hat worked! I'm very happy with it. It has some issues (because I made it) but they're not BAD issues and I can live with them.

My next project is going to be a toy. I'm a little nervous about this because my last toy turned out HORRIBLE. Like, it was so bad I haven't made one since. So....we'll see.

Hat Experiment 2

I'm very close to finishing the second attempt at the hat. I'm hoping this one works because I don't think I have the patience to do another one. Or the time. I have another project to complete after this.

Whatever the turnout, it's been good for me. The moments when I can just knitzone have been golden. I needed this. Plus, more yarn now has a purpose.

Movie Thoughts

We saw Halloween 2018 today. These are some of my thoughts.

• If you don't plan on putting a decent amount of money into your stairs and railings, it's probably best not to have stairs and railings as cheaply built ones are scary af.
  
• People should not antagonize monsters. If they do, they will probably die.
• I liked this version of Laurie Strode a lot. She wasn't some successful whatever. She was a paranoid recluse who drove everyone out of her life because of PTSD. That seems realistic. 
• Laurie also reminded me a lot of my mom. Mom never survived a serial killer, but she had the same kind of manic energy.
• Most people in this movie die and aside from the babysitter, I really don't feel bad about it. 
• I bet Laurie makes money writing articles for survivalist mags. 
• Michael probably isn't dead, but it was a very good try. If they ended it with this, I'd feel fine about it. Besides, Michael is getting really old. Any more movies and he'll be chasing people while pushing a walker.

Hot Flashes

The new hat is finished. Well, I need to weave in tails but beyond that, it's finished. I wish it would have turned out how I wanted but I'm not too upset about it.

I've been having hot flashes the last few days. A few of them have been severe. It's throwing my emotions, body, and energy out of whack. Hot flashes are really draining.

I really hope this settles down soon.

Kind of Victory

My calculations weren't quite right. The hat ended up being bigger than it needed to be. I'm happy with the process and confident the next hat will be decent. This one will be used for sleeping, plus it does give purpose to some yarn I've been keeping around for a long while now.

It didn't turn out to be what I'd hoped it would be, but it's a good start. I have to keep in mind that while I enjoy yarn arts, I'm seriously not that good. My creations are often rather awkward. Maybe with practice, I can produce a hat decent enough to wear out of the house without looking like a crazy person.

Knit Distraction

I was supposed to finish a scarf last week and didn't. This week I'm distracted from that by working on a hat project. I think it's going well but I really won't be able to tell until I finally pull it off the needles.

Beyond that, I'm just in a truly grumptastic mood and wish the world would just be quiet and still and let me knit.

Sim Fame Update

Looks like the rep thing WILL be part of it. Then again, we already have social media as a profession, so maybe it will work more like that.

I'm curious about the fact that you can get stalkers. I wonder if 'death by stalker' will be a new sims death. I seriously hope so because that's just deeply awful. It's better than dying because you got too embarrassed (a harder to achieve death than one might think). So excited for this.

Everything else about November is up in the air. No idea when/where/if Thanksgiving is happening with my family. Honestly, I think it's maybe better if we just chill for the year and let everyone heal.

That could be me talking selfish because I'd rather be letting fandom kill off sims on that day.

Sims News

Weirdly, the new Sims Pack is going to be one about getting famous. No one was expecting this. All predictions leaned toward either university or farming. I was good with either of those, but I'm actually looking forward to the fame pack. I always like Fame packs.

I do hope it doesn't include a reputation mod in it. Those are usually awful. In Sims 3, I spent half my time suing people for libel after the rep mod was added. Plus,you get knocks on your rep for things like having kids without being married, and my sims almost always do that because I dislike managing a bunch of people at once.

In any case, the pack comes out next month. Yay!! We should also be getting some free content at some point before that as well.

The Chair Leaves

The old chair has been removed from the porch. My brother took it away this afternoon. I feel sad about it. As I said before, that chair has been part of my life for many years now. It comforted me and held me while I needed to heal. It meant a lot to me and I feel like I betrayed the chair somehow. I get way too attached to objects. I really hope someone finds that chair, decides it has potential and gives it a new life. I seriously feel awful about this.

Anyway, it cooled down a lot. The cats seem happier about that and I most certainly am. I spent a day dry and that is a wonderful thing.  Hopefully this weekend will be good.

Adjustments

As I write this, my mouse is sitting on the table, far away from me, while my keyboard bounces slightly while I type. It's perched on a lap desk on top of a pillow resting on my leg that is propped up on the ottoman. This is my best and still really awful solution to being able to write in a comfortable manner now that I have the new chair. It's awkward, but I know I'll eventually figure out something that works for me.

I talked to my dad today and again he sounded exhausted. He told me he's basically had to deal with several aspects of my grandfather's death every day since the man's death. "It just keeps coming," he said. "I dread the mail. There's always some new THING I have to handle."

I told him about the chair and about how I'm having to rethink my whole little work area. We get used to life being a certain way, but when things get added or subtracted from it, we suddenly find ourselves making adjustment after adjustment, trying to find some way to reorder things, re-achieve stability, sort out the situation.

I told him not to get discouraged. Adjustment periods are just that . . . periods. It's just this flux time where you have to eek out a new way. It can feel like it takes forever, but eventually, it's over and you find you have found the new way for things to work.

In the meantime, I've had to come back to this post three times because my mouse keeps killing the page.

Fury Road Analysis

I stumbled on this 8 part Youtube series over women in action films and how Fury Road moves beyond the tropes to create something new. The first part discusses how we meet the main characters of the film and how empathy is built (or not built) for them. Then it goes into the various types of roles for women one usually finds in action films. Finally, it discusses the over-reaching message that Fury Road gives.

To my mind, the conclusion is the most thought-provoking part.  It's a simple idea, but for some sad reason, radical at the same time. The idea is that humans should be treated like humans. All of us possess the aspects usually doled out by society as 'masculine' or 'feminine' when, in truth, we are ALL capable of violence, healing, caring, hating, defending, destroying, loving, manipulating, and everything else that runs the gambit of human action and emotion.

If you have some time, the series is certainly worth the watch.

Goodbye Chair

I'm one of those people who emotionally invests in objects. I don't know why. Things have meaning to me. This whole process of changing chairs was stressful. It cost money and it had to be handled by my roommate. I'm thankful he did it, but I also feel bad that he had to. I feel like a burden, though I guess that is something to unpack another time.

I've had this chair as my primary sitting chair since I moved into Gran's house. This chair has been with me through a lot of things. This chair held me when I was recovering from surgeries. This chair was my shelter when I would feel frightened. It witnessed my anger. It was part of my dancing (possibly helped lead to the chair's end).  This is where I ate my meals, laughed with friends, created things.

Now the chair is broken and will go away. Part of me feels horrible about that, like I'm betraying the chair. I could honestly cry about it, though I know there's no choice here. It's broken. It can't be kept.

So, goodbye chair. You held me faithfully for many years. Thank you for seeing me through so much. Thank you for all you gave to me. Thank you for helping me. You will be missed and remembered.

Rough Morning

The chair that my roommate fixed has broken again. It's broken in a place that will require extensive repair, assuming that even works.

The best option would be to get a new chair, but that will be expensive.

I feel very fat and very poor.

October So Far

Pros

• Plans have been made to celebrate Fall.
• I'm knitting.
• The Halloween decorations are up.

Cons

• It's hot and muggy.
• My allergies are a nightmare.
• When it isn't hot, it's pouring rain.
• We still have to have the yard mowed.

So far, cons are winning. Blah.

So Awful of a Night

Last night was really one for the books. We had this update that lasted almost three hours. Seriously, it was past 3 AM before I was in bed. My computer ran it faster than my roommate's did, but he started earlier so we ended about the same time.

Oh but even better? My chair broke. Normally I would feel internalized fat shame for this, but I won't. This chair is like from the 1980s. The fact that it's held together this long is astounding. Plus, my roommate, who is rather handy, managed to fix it. This meant we had hammering and drilling happening at past 1 in the morning but again I'm not feeling bad about it as our neighbors burn their leaves and try to kill us.

Just to be on the safe side I started looking for a new chair. I didn't find one but I found a purple loveseat I want to buy to replace the couch! That doesn't help my situation at the moment, but it made me happy. I needed that.

Self Correction

I'm not a super great knitter. People keep telling me it isn't a matter of talent, just a matter of practice and I know they're right. I think it's also a matter of me trying to jump ahead and do more complicated stuff than I should before I really master the basics of the craft.

So I'm trying to fix that. I'm going back to the basics because, honestly, I don't even do those right. There is a primary knit stitch and I do it wrong. I'm trying my best to correct this, but my hands are already trained to do it the other way. We'll see if I can make this work.

It's true of crochet as well. I do everything exactly backward of how I should. I'm not sure if I can correct that because I've been doing that wrong since I was like 20.

There may be hope for fixing the knitting though!

Disappointing October

I was hoping October would be nice, but it's supposed to be hot all week and then start raining. This means that it will be hot and humid. I like my Falls to be crisp and chill. Not this mess.

Because of this, both my roommate and I are having issues with our feet. Swelling, cramps, pain. His gout is threatening to act up and my.....whatever the hell is wrong with my foot is causing it problems. They're nowhere near as bad as they were, but still. Bad.

I sound like some old woman complaining. Probably because I am. Hah!

Frat Joke

I'm pretty sure that in college I made some joke about how one day all the awful frat rapists would be running things. "Yeah, we think they suck now, just wait til Frat Boy Brett is in charge of shit." People laughed. And now it's come back to haunt us.

What amazes me about this whole frat boy rapist situation is how blind the Right is to all of it. I'm not talking about his sexual misconduct because it's doubtful they would give a damn about that anyway. I'm talking about how almost everyone I knew in college hated all the elitist little spoiled frat bastards, especially the guys who came from blue-collar families. They saw how twisted, distorted, and awful these people viewed the world . . . and now they're supporting this one?

Frat Boy isn't going to help the working class. He isn't going to make things easier for Middle America. He doesn't care about them. He'll help support the elite class he's entrenched himself into and no, giving the elite tax cuts will NOT bring in more jobs to the rest of us. That never works.

I hate it when my jokes turn out this way.

Fall Blues

My roommate and I have been discussing Seasonal Affect Disorder for a few months now. His can be extreme and to help combat it, he's going to try and use a timer on his light to help him in the mornings. I'm very interested to see how this works.

Last year I made my own change where winter and my senses connected. I started using a noise machine to help me sleep at night. Before this, I used a fan. Even though I turned it away from me, I still ended up freezing. The noise machine was a lot better.

We'll also be burning a lot of candles and doing our best to keep as much outside light as possible. We did away with our curtains a few years ago and that helped. He may have to try spending some time outside on days when it isn't too cold. I just wish we had a better set up on the porch so that kind of thing was more comfortable.

Maybe we can work on that next year.

Friend Request

This morning I got a bit of an emotional jolt. My grandfather friend requested me on Facebook. Yes, the one who passed away recently. Come to find out, he was hacked. Apparently, there was a huge hack and his old account that he abandoned was part of it.

I've been dreaming about my dead family members a lot. It's strange how they react. My mother's dad is always really annoyed in my dreams, totally over everyone and wants to be away from us. My mom is demanding and disappointed in me. I have no idea why my brain is doing this.

Feet Fear

My foot is trying to start hurting again. I did my best to massage it and keep blood flow to it today. No idea if that even matters. I have no idea why it's hurting.

However, it is possible this has to do with my shoes. I'd not been wearing my mesh shoes since my foot started hurting the first time. Yesterday, while out with my roommate, I wore them. So, maybe those shoes need to be set aside for the time being. It's getting colder anyway.

Maybe that will help.

Blues

I tried to rest today but it didn't work that well. I've still been depressed and that's keeping me from really resting, even when I can sleep.

Tomorrow my roommate has an appointment in Fort Smith. Hopefully, it won't be raining while we're up there.

Bake Off

The BFF and I started watching the latest season of the Brit Bake Off today. I wasn't sure that I would, given all the changes they made to it. And yet, I found myself happily watching along. I can't help but love that show.

It's just so....pleasant. Everyone on it is so happy, even when they're crying. They just love baking so much. It's awesome to see that kind of joy in a craft. It makes me feel all fuzzy inside.

Blah

I'm crazy emotional right now. I can't seem to focus on anything that can help me crawl out of this funk. I wish I could.  Right now I can't even get music to cheer me up. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Batty

My roommate woke up at 5 this morning and knew something about his room was weird. He heard a noise that sounded like a bird or some kind of bug. Then he saw a dark shape fly overhead and realized we had a bat in the house.

He thinks he got it to fly outside. But it was early and the light wasn't that great, so he's not sure. The cats aren't acting like we have any kind of flying rodent so I'm guessing/hoping the thing is gone.

We don't need bats.

Summer Ending

Today was awesome. It felt like real Fall for the first time. I was napping around 5:30 and it just had that wonderful, protective feeling that Fall gives me. And thank all the gods because this summer was stressful.

I still have no idea what caused my foot pain but it's subsided for now and I'm grateful about that. It still hurts a lot to put shoes on, but perhaps that's just the angle of my foot during the process. Whatever the case, I'm walking better now and that's a good thing.

This summer changed a lot for me. Things were lost that will never be replaced or mended. I'm okay with that. In the case of my grandfather, he was in pain and having to live in a way that wasn't easy or happy for him. He's at peace now and I'm glad for that.

I'm drifting right now and I'm okay with that as well. I have new music to listen to and new games to play. That will bring me into this Autumn and hopefully sustain me for the rest of the year.

LSD

No, not the drug. Well, almost. It's a band comprised of Labrinth, Sia, and Diplo. This isn't the music I normally listen to, but I really love what they're doing.

I think a lot of it is because I'm finding a big Kate Bush influence in their work. Some of her more dreamy, beautiful moments feel represented here.

I also love how Sia doesn't put herself in videos. It's like she possesses someone else or something else (balloons, dolls) and they become the expression of her in the video. That's fascinating.

I think this exploration is something I'm doing while I'm processing losing my grandfather. That's okay. It's what I need right now.

Will of Tomorrow

My aunt told me tonight that the step-people are trying to cause problems. The will is being read tomorrow and they plan to make as much of a fuss about things as they can.

I'm glad I'm removed from this part of it and really have to claims on anything. My grandfather's stuff was his stuff. Whatever he wanted to be done with it is his business. Hopefully all of this can get resolved in a civil manner.

Out of It

My uncle called today and I realized I'd not told him about my grandfather. It's not his dad, but he was still concerned. It's just another instance of how out of it I've been.

My foot is better now, though my walking is still odd. In fact, it's odder than it has been in a while. I guess my gait is changing again.

I've also been really tired, but I think that's a side effect of the weather. Things are supposed to cool down about ten degrees next week. I'm excited about that.

Eulogies

I'm still kind of in a funk. I wish I could write more, but I'm just not in that place yet. I finished watching the season of BoJack and it was very good. It wasn't as stellar as last season, but that would be hard to do.

The best episode was the one about his mother's funeral. It was kind of perfect and moving to me given that I've also recently lost someone. One of the things he said, in one of the less harsh moments was that the truest hurt of losing someone you never really connected with was that now there was no chance to ever make it better. It's kind of how I felt when my mom died as well. Things would never get better than they were. It's kind of an awful realization, but a needed one.

Weird Place

I think the energy that kept me sustained during the funeral has left completely. I'm kind of in a fugue state right now. It's strange. I guess this is my odd way of grieving.

Not sure how long this will last.

Funeral

I made some preparations so that the funeral wasn't seriously difficult for me on a physical level. They worked out well, mostly because my brother helped me. On an emotional level, I'm more exhausted than I've been in a while. I had to talk to/be touched by a lot of people. I know they meant well, but it still took a lot out of me.

The Eulogy went well. I was complimented on it and on my hair. The rest of the ceremony was interesting because my grandfather was a Mason and they have a death ritual they do when one of their own passes. I'd never really seen anything like it before.

One of the Masons told me I was eligible to join Eastern Star, but I don't really see that being something that happens in my future.

It was a rough day. I'm thankful I made it through with as little damage as possible.

Endings

I have been playing a FB game for almost a year now. I quit last night, said goodbye to everyone, and left it forever. It was time.

I started this game in my grief process after losing the cats. I'd been playing another game and this one was a promo for stuff for that one. I liked this one a lot better and it did what I needed a game to do; it helped me to focus on something besides the grief.

Now my mind is drifting towards other things. I'm not going to pretend to understand why grief manifests the way it does. It's a new set of losses. September has changed several things for me this year. Now my mind is elsewhere and the game will no longer comfort me.

My grandfather's funeral is tomorrow. I'm going to try and put myself on autopilot and just get through it. More on that later.

Holes in Your Face II

I'm not sure if my mother really hated me or if there was just some darkness in her that caused her to constantly be poisoning well. It seems like when I was vulnerable or happy or just in any place where I was trying to be proud about something, she would come along and do whatever she could to ruin it.  It was never just some small snide comment that I could brush away. Mom's comment bore deep into me. They have barbs and to this day, I can't pull them out.

While on the phone with me today, my brother commented that my grandfather was probably the best of the Dunns, the most successful and accomplished. He went on to say more stuff, but part of me wasn't even listening. Part of me linked that comment to a conversation I had with my mom when I was very young.

I don't remember where we were, but I want to say we were outside somewhere. Perhaps sitting in the backyard. I was excited because I was going to spend the night with my dad's father and my step-grandmother. I loved them a lot and loved being at their house.

"She's not really your grandmother, you know." This was Mom's first comment about my excited state. I told her I knew this. I knew my dad's mom died before I was born, but my step-grandmother loved me.

My positive spin on Mom's poison never made her happy. She pulled me down and began to brush my hair, complaining about all the tangles.

"They're awful people. Not your step-grandmother, but your grandparents. She was a bitch. Not like my mother. A smarter bitch who got her way."

I didn't like this. I idolized my mom's mom at this point and didn't like it when she said bad things about her. I tried to pull away, but Mom held me in place and pulled on my hair with the brush.

"A few years before she died, your grandpa left your grandma. He had a new girlfriend and she was going to have a baby."

I remember getting really flushed. My face burned as Mom talked about this. I didn't want to hear all the bad stuff, even though she loved to tell me. At that time, I didn't really know how to express how much I didn't want to be part of the conversation, so I just said, "No."

"Yes. Oh yes. He left her. And she told him he would come back to her and he would NOT embarrass her like this. Guess what? He did, because she was a meaner bitch than he was."

"That's good?" I honestly didn't know how to respond.

"No, it's not." I knew she was leading up to the darkest part. Mom seethed a kind of joy when she was getting to the darkest part the way some people start laughing right before telling a punchline. "The girl he got pregnant killed herself. Do you know what that means?"

I did. I don't know how I knew but I did. In my mind, I imagined her using a rope to hang herself or maybe a knife in the bathtub. Even as a little kid, I knew people didn't do this unless they were really hurt. I also knew this meant the baby died too.

Mom turned me around and looked into my eyes. "And that's who you come from. Never forget. That's what you are."

I started crying and nodded.

I thought about all of that as my brother was talking. I didn't want to tell him about it. I didn't want to poison his well about Mom or about my grandfather. I kept my mouth shut, but the memory stayed with me for the rest of the day. Mom did her work well.

What drives me crazy is I don't even know if this is true. It isn't the kind of thing you casually ask a family member. Maybe it isn't. I hope it isn't.

Not that it matters. Mom planted her seeds so well. Even if that never happened, when I was a little kid, my mom told me my grandparents messed with someone's life so horribly that she killed herself. Then she told me that was who I was. The damage is there.

Sad Day

My grandfather died today. I will miss him. I really don't think I can write more today.

Fan Joy

You'd think by my title I'd be talking about my joy at having fans ON, which, honestly, is a joy, but more than that, this is about the joy one can get from fandom.

And yes, you can also get hell from fandom. A lot of fandoms are toxic or have toxic elements. If one can avoid that and just focus on 'this makes me happy oh look it makes other people happy too' part of it, it can be so great.

Recently I've experienced this by listening to the podcast Race Chasers. Alaska and Willam are analyzing every episode of Drag Race, with commentary, background explanations, and even guests.

Last night I listened to their latest episode and Cazwell was the guest. I've liked his brand of in-your-face comedy gay rap for quite a while, but found him even more charming on the podcast. It was just so adorable to get to hear someone gush about their favorite show. It made me happy because, honestly, there is something so wonderful about listening to someone talk about what makes THEM happy.

Seriously, if you like a something, go see if someone is doing a happy podcast about it. It will do you good.

For my Grandfather

I spent today writing my grandfather's eulogy. I thought I would put it here.

I'm often quiet at family gatherings. This is unusual because most of the time when I'm around lots of people, I'm the one keeping things lively. With family, however, I find that listening to the people around you is far more important than talking. You learn a lot about people by the conversations they have with others. As this family, you also learn a lot about yourself.

I've always loved listening to my grandfather talk. Jimmie Gus Dunn could hold a conversation with anyone. He was lively, charming, and had a way of inviting the other person to be part of the topic. He often talked to people about things that I didn't really have an interest in, but that was fine with me. In fact, one of the best things you can do is listen to people talk about stuff you're not into. That way, you focus on the people and not the topic. You gain a deeper understanding of who they are.

And who was my grandfather? He appreciated craftsmanship. When he would talk to my dad or my brother about a gun or a knife, he would know everything about it. He would know the history of the maker, be able to assess the quality of the make. Most of the time, he also had a couple of funny stories related to it. If he didn't know much about a subject, he was strong enough to ask questions of someone who did. He saw people's value and let them know he did.

These qualities are why he was successful in the arenas of business, hunting, and community. He knew how to engage others. He knew how to inspire others to assist him in getting things accomplished. He knew how to work toward goals. When my grandfather would talk to other people, I always understood exactly why he'd realized his objectives in life.

This isn't to say we didn't have our own conversations.  In fact, interestingly enough, we often talked about love. My grandfather was never shy about his emotions. He wasn't shy about his regrets. He told me about lost loves, mistakes he had made, the things he wished he had done differently. I think often people aren't sure about the realities of things like love, but my grandfather knew. Love is real.

He talked to me about his mother's mother, and how he would watch her knead bread when he was little. She would speak to him in Italian and he would answer back in English. Both understood the other's language but felt most comfortable in the one they were taught as children. When he talked about her, I could see this was someone who adored him completely and he carried that love with him always.

He talked to me about my grandmother, though that topic tended to be more difficult. She died before I was born and all I have of her are the stories given to me by other people. He mostly told me about her expectations of him. She was clear about the man she wanted him to be, the father she wanted him to be, and the human she wanted him to be. Even though she has been gone for a long time, I always had the impression that he still weighed her opinions in the decisions he made.

My grandfather is gone and the people who knew him will now honor his memory. While you do that, as you do that, listen to the people around you. Really listen to them and learn who they are by what they say, how they say it. Learn who they loved. Learn who loved them the most when they were children. Learn what they value. Learn who they hold in high regard. These are the things I will carry with me as memories of my grandfather and I am a richer person for it.

Update on Me

My foot continues to be painful and awful. It's slightly better than yesterday. It's like, if the pain yesterday was an 8, today, it's a 7.7 I'm saying 8 on the pain overall because I've heard people describe gout and I know my foot isn't at 10.

A little progress is better than no progress.

There has been no bruising. My foot is slightly swollen, but honestly, no more than it usually is. It hurts most when I lift my foot, move my leg backward, or put weight on it. It's not a fallen arch issue, because that would be lower and my arch looks fine. I can wiggle all my toes, though the littlest one isn't happy about it.

Other than that, I'm mostly just exhausted. The extra energy I have to put into just going to the bathroom is a lot. I'm trying to stretch out the foot as much as I can while sitting to keep it from stiffening up. I can also use the massager on it today, though some spots do not like it. That should help.

Emotions

I hate emotions.

The thing is, maybe I hate them because they're honest. They are, as I have been discussing lately, a place where reality, at that moment, slams you into the wall and shows you who you are.

I was emotional yesterday. Loudly, explosively, uncontrollably emotional. I could make excuses. I was in pain. I felt misjudged. I felt accused. I felt frustrated because my perception is that I'm always treated like the bad guy in situations. I felt railroaded because I thought I'd done things already to satisfy someone and thought I'd made myself clear about other situations, when, from their perspective, I clearly had not.

I'm mortified by my outburst. It was ridiculous and excessively ineloquent. However, perhaps it's best things came into the light. Now I have a better understanding of the situation, from everyone's perspective.

Sunday

Still in pain. Did what sciatica exercises I could manage last night. I'll do more later. Hopefully, it will work, assuming that is what this is. Whatever the case, I would really like to be out of pain soon.

Random Thoughts on Realness

I watched American Psycho yesterday. It's been a few years since I've seen it, and one of the things that really stood out this time was Patrick Bateman's struggle with his own sense of being real. I realize he's a fictional character, but as it's a subject I've hit on and thought about often, I considered it worth noting. Patrick was based on the idea of a lot of people around that time.

I sometimes wonder if I suffer from Narcissism, but the fact that Narcissists tend to not accept reality or even their place in it makes me think I'm not. I'm quite grounded in my idea of being real, even if it's more of an internal thing with me than external. Honestly, the external just seems to be a source of annoyance. Right now my brain is happy. My body is hot, in pain, needs to pee, and trying its best to get a headache.

If there was any way we could separate out of reality, I would love that. I hate my body. I don't hate it because it's not conventionally beautiful. I actually enjoy the curves, stretch marks, hair, and distortions. I hate my body's constant pain. I hate its constant needs. I hate its constant discomfort, how quickly it gets dirty, how there is always a need for adjustments and small struggles just to make it through the day. I hate THAT part of it . . . you know, the reality of it.

I'm also bored with it. I'm bored with all of its needs and complaints. My brain has better things to do. I have better things to do.

I realize I just spent the last part of this post talking about my body as something separate from me . . . which means my detachment and disassociation continues.

Reality is a bitch.

Oh Good More Pain

Somehow I managed to step down wrong and now my foot is killing me. It's the foot on my good leg, which makes it even more frustrating. Now I'm kind of gimping along in two directions. Walking is even more hellish than it was before.

This is so frustrating. What's worse is that I'd been told (and let myself believe) that I would have my wheelchair by now. That wouldn't help me in the house, but it would help when I had to go out and do things. Now I have this horrible foot pain and no idea when I'll get relief from it. I could just cry.

Comfort

For some reason, today my mind sent me into a memory tizzy about my many embarrassing and failing moments in middle school.

One of those happened when I was at a band contest. We had to dress formally for the performance and this meant my fat self would be standing around in shoes with high heels. I did my best to handle this. It was cold outside, so I borrowed my grandmother's black dress boots. It would give me a thicker heel and more ankle support. It was a good idea, but it wasn't enough. The strain on my feet was murder and I ended up removing the shoes as we were still in line to play. I felt like an utter fat little loser.

Later today, I read this article about how women's clothing takes a physical and emotional toll on the women who opt to participate in the conventional feminine way of dressing. As I read it, I thought about how I have no memories of what music we played or how well we did. I don't know what happened before or after that performance. But I can vividly recall the pain my feet were in and the pain my mind was in as I struggled to take them off or not.

The thing is, I now realize this situation, while embarrassing, was not really a failure on my part. I could have dressed comfortably but still looked formal enough. The problem wasn't me or society or shoes or anything besides just me not understanding how to advocate for my own comfort.

I wish as a kid I would have known how to communicate with those around me 'this doesn't work for me so let's look for other solutions.' I wish I could have pointed out that hose left my inner thighs bloody, that flats would leave blisters, that shirts needed to be longer so they wouldn't ride up due to my boobs, that pants needed to be bigger because they were digging into my belly so much it would leave cuts.

All of this stuff was embarrassing because almost all of it was due to the fact that I was fat. The thing is, they KNEW I was fat. It wasn't like me reminding them of it would suddenly place the idea in their heads. I had different clothing needs than other people.

When it comes to your own comfort, as it is with your own safety, you need to communicate with the people around you about what works for you. You can't assume they will know, especially if you come in a category they're not used to. Speak up. Say what you need. Say what doesn't work. You have a right to go through life with the tools that work for you.

Life Piling Up

I'm building a collection of papers on my desk again. Tomorrow, I will deal with them. I don't even think they're of any importance. They're just piling up.

I've been in considerable pain since the trip. Well, before the trip, really. I've been rehabbing as much as I can, but it isn't helping. I'm sure summer has a lot to do with this. I'll do what I can. It's never enough.

My nephew asked me to play a game with him online. I decided I would because he's never really asked me to do anything before and it seems like a fun little game. It's like playing pool, only you hit people in the process.

Tomorrow, we pay a bill. I hope September is an easy month.

Relationship Rules

I heard several stories this weekend that really upset me. It seems that people will tolerate things in romantic relationships that they really should not tolerate. There are certain rules that should apply to any romantic relationship, no matter what the gender (or lack thereof) of the people involved.

1. You are respected. You are treated with kindness and spoken to in a respectful manner. There is no constant criticism. There is no namecalling. Even when this person is angry at you, if you are intimate with them, they should treat you respectfully.

2. You do not allow anyone to hit you. Violence is not a part of a healthy relationship. Lashing out isn't the sign of a healthy person. They are not violent to you, any children you may have, or any pets. Violence is not a sign of strength, it is a sign of a weak person who cannot control their emotions. Remove yourself from this person as soon as possible.

3. The relationship is equal. Problems are solved together. Decisions are made together. There is a balance of responsibilities in terms of who does what. No one should be my mother who would work a full-time job, then come home and clean while her husband sat on his ass and contributed no money or help at all. You might say that this isn't always the case because one person may be too unhealthy to do a lot of chores. You might even point out that this person is me. My comment back to that is that I'm not in a romantic relationship with anyone, nor should I be until I am a healthy person.

4. All of this should be communicated before the relationship ever starts. If you find yourself at the potential beginning of a relationship, a conversation needs to be held about everyone's needs and expectations.

I will respect you and you will respect me.

There will be no violence on the part of either of us.

Rights and responsibilities will be shared equally. 

If the other person isn't interested in this, then do not be in a relationship with them. You can't change their minds. You won't make them better. If they can't treat you well, then they are not worth being with. It will only cost you time and effort with no payout.

Post Visit

Yesterday was a LOT. It was good to see my uncle, but I'm really not used to dealing with people in my house for that long. I'm quiet by nature and talking that much just really isn't my gig. There are only a select few people I can do that with.

Then my brother and his family came over. They were only here for 15 minutes, but it still exhausted me. Just too many people in one room, too many people in MY room. Uggh.

This is the last week of August and I'm happy about that. August has been a very busy month and everything that happened has required days of recovery. I need a quiet Fall so I can deal with all that holiday stuff at the end of the year.

Blanked

I have no idea why I haven't blogged in two days. I guess I just blanked. I'm not sure. I was on a lot of medication for the infection caused by the gyno visit. Perhaps it was that. It's not been the most comfortable of weeks for me.

Any week I have to go to Tulsa never is. Well, okay, to be fair, I was mostly okay (other than being tired) when I would go up with my roommate, however, when it comes to these trips to the gyno, it's never comfortable. With few exceptions, every one of these trips stands out in my mind for rather bad reasons. I had panic attacks. I got hives. I had major leakage. I felt violated. It's never been easy.

Fortunately, after next year, I won't have to go there. I'll be discharged from their care and I can see whatever medical professional I wish for gyno exams. That's awesome.

Tired

I'm seriously tired. It's been a long day and I need a lot of sleep. Weeks of sleep. Years of sleep. Sleep sleep sleep.

The trip to the gyno just really threw me for a loop. I thought I'd be past it by now, but honestly that isn't happening. Emotionally I'm still deeply fragile. I cried on the way home today and I'm not even sure why.

Uggh. No more surprise gyno visiting.

Modest Mice

In public, I dress modestly. Loose black shirt, loose black pants. Everything is covered, you know, unless there is wind or something rides up. This is given the addition of a hoodie and a hat in the winter. Occasionally, if it is too hot, I'll put on shorts (again, loose, usually down to my knee). The way I dress makes me comfortable, although it is hot during the summer. It's what I want to wear.

Now, I don't do this for modesty reasons. I do this because I want to be comfortable and not be pulling on my clothes to adjust them all the time. How other people react to them is never an issue for me. My clothes are about my comfort level and I believe that is how it should be for everyone.

You should dress at your own comfort level. If that is wandering around in a speedo, fine. If that is waltzing through life in a burqa, fine. If this is wearing insulting t-shirts, fine. If this is wearing a tailored suit, fine.

People will judge you based on how you dress. In some cases, it is just a passing thought. "Businessman." "Mall chick." In other cases, they get a whole range of emotions. Whatever these people think about how you dress, ignore them. Their opinions about your comfort level are not important. That is their issue to deal with. Don't give them any power in making it yours.

The same is true for us as well, of course. If someone wears something that offends us, for whatever reason, it isn't our place to try and edit them. If you don't like it, just ignore them. Let them live their lives. It's not harming you.

We have better things to do with our time than police other people's clothing.

Over

The evil appointment is over. The trip is over. We had a very good meal. The rest of it was pretty universally awful. They said my stuff looked fine. I have to come back in six months.

My body finally relaxed a little today. It's kind of shocking the level of PTSD this whole situation throws me into. I don't know that cancer/surgery/loss of organs was the worst thing in my life, but it's the most recent hell, so it's the fresh one.

I'm tired and my body is protesting the whole ordeal. I'm itchy. Hopefully, by the weekend, I'll be somewhat recovered.

Good News

I found out Friday that I've been approved to get my wheelchair. It should be here in about two weeks. I'm cautiously happy about this. There are still things that could go wrong. They could have ordered the wrong size or it may not work for whatever reason.....but those aspects are fixable. The process has started.

I'm still not happy about things coming to this point, but here we are. At least this way I can sit comfortably in more places and go to more places without having to spend two days' past it trying to recover. I had to skip seeing my best friend last week because everything unavoidable was going to tire me out too much. Hopefully, that won't be a problem anymore.

I am very grateful for this.

The Realness

On a lot of personality-based reality shows (ANTM, RPDR) there is this constant thing the judges always ask for. They want people to let go of the persona they're presenting and let who they really are shine through. They often refer to this as 'vulnerability' though I believe that isn't exactly the proper term. It's close, but being vulnerable means exposing weakness. I don't think that showing the genuine side of who you are is the same as that.

However, I believe the reason Shane Dawson has been able to sustain his YouTube career is that he is, naturally, so good at letting who he really shines through. Mind you, most of the time he's in character. He's playing the persona of Shane Dawson, a constructed YouTube personality based on his funnier side, his more whacky side. He's very entertaining when he does that.

However, there are also moments when he drops the character and is just himself. These moments aren't planned. There is no script of 'now I'm going to be me.' He just lets himself be open enough to the moment to allow himself to do this.

The latest example of this happened on the third installment of his day of pretending to be Jeffery Star.  Dressed as Star, Shane followed the fashion icon around, seeing what it was like to live his life. Shane was overwhelmed by the expense of his Gucci clothes (well over 3000$) and price of the bag he was carrying (36,000$). He marveled at Star's cars, all custom and expensive and on brand Star Pink. He expected that stuff though, so while he knew it would be expensive, he was still able to roll with it, cracking jokes, playfully mocking things, being the clown.

Then Star took him to his warehouses, the place where his empire is really founded. Suddenly faced with the fact that Star had truly created an empire requiring a block of business buildings, organization, and true business savvy, Shane was left speechless. He stared at things in quiet awe, trying his best to ask questions, to process what he was seeing. You could watch as it dawned on him that Star wasn't just this amazingly queeny internet personality, he was a true businessman, with employees (over 100), and someone who had built his brand into a viable business.

Seeing Shane react to this is the true genius of who Dawson is. He didn't try to control or produce the moment. He let it happen as it happened. He let himself stammer, asked questions off the top of his head, repeated himself. He let himself be a real person, as it was dawning on him that Star was, also, truly a real person, a deeper and more complex person than he allowed himself to be shown in public. And as he did this, he allowed everyone watching with him to realize this same thing, all without hitting them over the head with it.

As I've mentioned before, Shane Dawson is someone I've followed for years. He's talented, but even more than that, he has a very beautiful charisma that radiates when he is open with what is happening in his moments. Even though he has admitted to a lot of insecurity about who he is, I think that the inner core of openness, of being so real,  is what draws people to him.

Mixed News

Today was a mixed bag for me. On one hand, I found out the request I made of the Tulsa clinic would not be honored. They don't have what I need and TOO BAD! they also won't be getting it to help me. The thing is, I may be fatter than most people, but I'm not THE only person of my size around. It would do people of my size a lot of good to have equipment and items that work for them, but far be it from the medical establishment to help anyone. The stupid thing is, even people who weren't this big could still use the equipment. It would be fine for everyone.

This was frustrating and disheartening. However, about an hour after that, Sims did a major update and tossed a lot of free content at us. I get why they're doing it. Most of the free stuff they send out is multicultural. It's to help people of other backgrounds and cultures to feel the Sims experience represents them as well. I love the pack, honestly. It's nice and tropical.

If you're wondering how one actually made up for the other, I guess all I can tell you is that this is my usual coping mechanism. The serious real-life thing didn't happen, so I'm soothing my brain with the toy/make-believe thing. It doesn't alter the reality, but it keeps me from dwelling on it. Right now, any little bit of that sort of thing helps.

Wet

This is a strange August. It's raining, even flooding in some areas near me. Normally this is the hottest month of the year. It seems that this year decided to switch things up.

In between the bouts of rain, we got my oil changed and the tires looked at. I also called the doc's office to find out about the progress on getting my chair. So far, nothing. The hell of medical drama is that it stays medical drama until it's solved.

Tomorrow I plan to get as much rest as possible. I'm trying not to stress about the trip to Tulsa on Monday, but to be honest I kind of hope it floods out to where I can't go and then I'll just not make another appointment until December. Yes, this is how my demented brain works.