The Progress Continues

Today I started the border for my blanket. I am so happy! I'm even making rather good time with it. Depending on the weather, I might finish this thing in a week. YAY!

Today I also cleaned the surfaces in my bedroom and tried to make my trashcan look more pleasant. I put a scarf over it. Now it kind of looks like R2D2 as a drag queen. That is still better than looking like an ugly plastic trashcan. I'll count that as a win.

ZAR

ZAR: Zombie Asshole Rule.

If you are in a zombie/apocalyptic situation and someone is being an asshole, shoot them. They will end up causing you more problems than the zombies, etc.

I mean, I knew ZAR was true in films, but it's astounding to see it play out in real life. We aren't even having to transverse the country looking for shelter while zombies chase us. Basically, the only things people had to do was stay clean, stay six feet apart if they went outside, shelter in place as much as possible, and mind their own business. Easypeasy.

And yet . . . .

The amazing thing is that the assholery is so varied. We have Karens who are patrolling their neighborhoods in their SUVs, berating anyone they see outside, and then calling the police. We have people who are angry (ANGRY) they are being told simple medical advice like, wear a mask and stay away from others. These people are protesting. We have people who can't seem to handle staying in a house with the family they created 24/7 and are making everyone miserable. We have people trying to sell snakeoil cures. We have people claiming this is a hoax. We have people posting memes right and left about how this is really secret (insert confirmation bias).

Seriously. There are a LOT of assholes.

I mean, I'm not advocating we shoot all of these people. I am just saying I am astonished at the level of asshole out there. I suppose I shouldn't be, but I really am.

Storm Post

Posting now before the power gets knocked out. It's annoying that I know it will. I talked about that yesterday.

For a while now, we have suspected the lady across the street is being moved to a new home. Today they gathered almost all the rest of her stuff. This makes us the oldest people on our block and the longest people living in this neighborhood. It's a weird feeling. Not a bad one, really, but certainly weird.

The cat is clinging to my shoulder. She hates the storm. I'm hoping things are sorted before we have to go to bed. I really don't like sleeping without my CPAP.

Accepting the Badness

It is supposed to storm in a massive way tomorrow. A lot of wind, possibly hail, maybe tornados. I am already preparing myself for us losing power. This is just the kind of thing that happens in weather like this, no matter how many times they try to trim the trees. This is a very annoying thing, but probably unavoidable. So I'm just accepting that it will happen in order to not be so depressed about it. At least I have knitting to do.


My best friend's dog is ill and this grieves me. I love that dog. There have been a lot of days when he helped me get through the stuff I was doing. There have been times when I was very lonely and he was my companion. I still remember the first time I held him. I loved him instantly.

Anyway, best to just keep pushing forward.

Reflections on Folding

Folding changed my life. There. I said it. Folding clothes, folding towels, altering my perspective on why I do this and what it means has changed an aspect of my life.

I used to never fold my clothes. Seriously. If I put them away at all (which was rare), I just pushed them into drawers with no folding. I didn't see the point.

I did fold the household towels, but it was, as I was taught to view everything connected to the house, a CHORE. It's something you do, don't enjoy, and try to get over with as quickly as possible.

Over the years, as my health has gone through various phases, folding the towels also happened with greater or lesser difficulty. Sometimes it wasn't so bad. After my last couple of falls and the damage sustained to my shoulders, it's been very painful. I dreaded it.

But this year, I have altered my perspective on folding. I now see it as a way to create harmony and good math to my space. When I touch the fabric, I try to connect to it, to feel like this is part of my life, part of my home. I focus on making the best folds I can, creating the perfect shape. Smooth edges, smooth surface. This is more about building the SKILL of folding and getting better at it than just 'doing it and getting it over with.'

When I'm finished, I feel accomplished. I'm happy. I know I did something to make my life better.

And as far as the pain is concerned, yeah, it's still there. However, it isn't as bad because I go slower with the task. Because I'm not trying to just get it over with, I am okay with taking breaks and waiting until I feel like moving again. So the task takes longer, but that's fine. This is so much better than it used to be.

Who knows, maybe in a couple of years, I'll view all chores this way. That would be good.

Restrictions

Recently my body has informed me that I need to cut out some stuff. I've gotten a bit slack on certain things and that can't be happening. My body doesn't like it anymore and I certainly don't like it when my body decides to give opinions.

I'm not upset about though. I'm not resentful that I need to curb some stuff. It's just how things need to be. I also wish this would have been my perspective like, 30 years ago. We'd be in a much different place now.

Well........maybe not RIGHT now. I'd still be in quarantine RIGHT now, but you get the idea.

Besides, I can't accomplish anything by obsessing about my past mistakes and mindsets. Let's just move forward and make better decisions. It's a more healthy approach.

The Distance

A friend came by yesterday. She stayed on my porch and I stayed inside. Staying the required distance apart, we talked through the screen door. It meant a lot, actually. Seeing someone new for the first time in a while had a weird effect on my body. I didn't sleep until almost four AM.

The weird thing is, I wasn't tired today. I was wound up, honestly. I recorded three videos. I even did my own editing. Some anyway, I need to do more.

I know that we need to keep away from each other right now, but there is a toll it's taking on us. Hopefully, the cure will be found quickly and we can all find each other again.

Allergy Blah

Allergies are killing me right now. My whole body feels like a twisty, twitchy mess. I don't want to do ANYTHING creative. Blah.

I did work some more on the blanket. I am doing some research for another project. Other than that, I'm just going to try and not be queasy.

Early Posting

I've missed the last two nights of posting because I was messing with the mic. Tonight I'm posting ahead of time so that I won't keep to that pattern.

Today was interesting. It stormed in the middle of the afternoon. We drove around to look at the damage. A lot of houses around us had flooded out yards, in some cases with small temporary streams connecting them from one side of the street to the other.

Later one of the cats was sitting on my lap and the other one jumped on the chair arm. They started clawing at each other and both managed to claw me. I was less than happy about this. Aside from that, it was a good day.

The First Time

There is always a first time. Your first run. Your first video. Your first child. Your first love. The first one alters you from someone who did not do this to someone who does. It may stick, it may not, but the experience is now part of you.

Most of us do not do well with our first times. If it is a documented bit of art, we often cringe at it. That's understandable, but we should be easier on those first attempts. They help us down the path to making better things.

We Got Audio

I now have a microphone. It was an ordeal to get the one I wanted. Why do I have it? Many reasons. Mostly to bond with my nephew, to be honest.

Anyway, it's a skill to work on and I need that right now. I mean, I have my other skills that I mess with, to greater or lesser degrees, but I needed the distraction of a new one. Pandemics are rough on mental health.

Speaking of my mental health, I set found a place for my collage piece in my room and it looks SO GOOD. Ahh, I'm so pleased with it. And honestly, this is a thing you need to remember about art. Sometimes while you may not like it that much by itself, when you put it in the proper context of other shapes and colors, it can blow your mind.

Blue Sunday

I was depressed all day and I have a heavy weight on my chest. That last part isn't poetic. The cat is sitting on my chest like some kind of chest ripped monster. She keeps growing when I move my arms too close together. Joy.

Anyway, I did my best to fight the darkness, but it wasn't easy. Everything felt wrong and bad today. I know it wasn't, but my brain kept telling me it was and trying to argue with myself was exhausting.

Saturday Night Woes

My stomach was a mess today. I spent several hours in basic discomfort. I'm not sure if it's something I ate or emotional nastiness or what. I just wish it would stop.

It's still cold so I can work on my blanket. I'm happy about that. Doing short rows pleases me so much. It's almost sad.

Changes in Policy

The beaches in Florida opened tonight. Other states will start to open over the next several weeks. The squeaky wheels are getting their way. We'll see how it goes.

I think Oklahoma is doing the right thing. They are opening things back up, but very, very slowly. They have said that if you don't feel comfortable going back to work, inform your employers and something can be worked out. They said they would put a stop to this at the first sign of infections on the rise. Hopefully, it won't be too late by then. We'll see.

As for my household, we're opting to continue to self-isolate. It's kinda close to what we do anyway and it's the safest option for us.

I Get It

Okay, I was judgy on people in yesterday's post. I still think holding demonstrations is a bad idea that just makes things worse on everyone, but I DO get how people feel. This is scary and it feels like if things could just go back to normal, everything would be okay. We have all been disconnected from so much in our lives. A lot of people are losing money. A lot of people are missing their loved ones. A lot of people are terrified. It seems that if we could just have the comfort of routine, things would be better.

I think people don't understand that we ALL want that. We all want this to end. We all want things to be OKAY again. But wanting that and it actually happening are two different things. We can't just protest our way out of this one. We can't just hold signs and carry guns and think things will get better. They won't. And if people do go back to work and the lockdowns do end, how would we all feel if people DID suddenly start getting sick in mass numbers?

We as a nation are used to handling conflict with action. It's what we've always done. The thing is, this time, it looks like the actions we need to take involve doing LESS instead of more. We're having to wait for things, pause in life, and wait in lines. It's scary and disquieting for us. And right now, they keep extending how long we'll have to do this. So yeah, people are angry.

This isn't a good time to be emotional. Acknowledge that anger and accept your frustration, but don't allow it to rule you. Don't allow it to be the driving force of your actions.

Fear Itself

So in the middle of social distancing, people are having protests and demonstrations. I doubt they're standing six feet apart. I'm guessing they don't believe that is a real thing that needs to happen. Sigh.

I know they're scared. I keep trying to remind myself that everyone is handling this stuff in different and often annoying ways because everyone is scared. This isn't like anything we've ever experienced before. I get that in times of crisis, all of your other paranoia and issues amplify and feel bigger and more horrible than they really are. I realize that rationality goes out there door.

Even still, the bare minimum you needed to do was just hang out for a while until this was handled. Folks can't even do that.

Give It a Rest

So the world is still crazy. The politicians are crazy. People who have strong political leanings are crazy. Everyone has lots of information they want to spread and they SWEAR it is the truth. Most of the time it's not. Meanwhile, almost every commercial on TV is some sappy comment on Covid. It's like they're trying to force us to think about nothing else. I want to think about literally anything else. And yet, here I am writing about it.

I also cut some fabric and turned it into no-sew curtains for my room. I cleaned the floor and mirror, then had my roommate put up the mirror for me.

The blanket is coming along. I'm on the last 5 stitch band before I start on the 15 stitch band that will be its final band. I may finish it in a week or so. We'll see.

Album Retrospective 1.5

Duran Duran (1981 album) Side B

Okay so even though this album only has nine songs on the original recording, I had to divide it up because the two sides are so different. I think this first album explored a lot of potential places where these men could have gone as a band and the majority of what that opted for were more songs like you find on the first side and less like what you find on the second side. That isn't to say you never get weirdy, more experimental songs from them past this. You certainly do. It's just not what they're mostly known for. And actually, I say that in ignorance because I don't know their full catalog. I will though before I am finished with this. So maybe I should revisit that statement later.

Night Boat:

Okay I can't really talk about this song without talking about the video. It starts with Simon being all spacey and quoting Mercutio from Romeo and Juliet. Then it builds into an all-out mini horror film with zombies! The video also has some of the earmarks of what the band will later be known for when it comes to videos, namely, islands, boats, and plotlines that don't quite make sense. The song itself opens up the second side of the album into a nice bit of creepiness. The keyboards are all-out horror movie, as is the bass. The guitar is often plucked in a nervous repeat and Simon is clearly having some kind of meltdown in the lyrics. To me, this song has hints of what could have happened if the band had gone goth instead of pop. I think it could have been a nice place.

The Sound of Thunder:
This is probably the weakest song on the second side, but I still like it. It has the same kind of dread of the song it follows, but the tempo is faster. The keyboards are more wistful than scary. The bassline has a nice bob to it. The guitar is more jaunty. All of this seems to spin around the lyrics. Simon has said the song is about what it would be like if you're the last person left alive after the next war. Personally, I think it works well as a song about someone having a pretty bad drug trip.

Friends of Mine:
I'm not sure what this song is supposed to be about and I'm not going to look it up. I know that Georgie Davis was a criminal who had a pretty big "free him" campaign. To me, this song always felt loosely influenced by Bowie's "Bewlay Brothers" though I can't quite put my finger on why. Simon sings it very accented. There seems to be a sense of the general angst and anxiety a lot of young Brits were feeling mixed into this song. In the video, they all wear black rather uniformish outfits with white and red accents. The video is probably boring for most people, as it's just concert footage plus  the band sitting around a table playing cards, but I loved it because it's a slightly rare find PLUS Simon looks so hot.

Tel Aviv:

Did your childhood favorite band have a sophisticated instrumental song on THEIR debut album? To be fair, this song didn't start out as an instrumental. Simon wrote "On my Way to Tel Aviv" as a poem and said poem started out as the lyrics for the song. But over time, the song evolved into something without the lyrics and including strings. The song always fascinated me because little tween me felt like it was the sign of how deep and amazing Simon was. Plus! STRINGS!!

Album Retrospective 1

Duran Duran (1981) Side A

This isn't the first Duran Duran album I bought, but it's their debut. I hope. It gets confusing because they released this album twice. Anyway, it's what I'm starting with.

Girls on Film:

So the album begins with the flashing of cameras. As a debut, that's pretty iconic. This album sets the brand pretty well. Models. We're talking about models. We mostly dated and married models. Oh and this video had nipples in it. Very scandalous. Actually, maybe it was more about porn than modeling? Love the drums.

Planet Earth:

This is one of my favorite transitions. We leave the song about models and go into this Simon Writing Odd Things song. Again, we're setting so much of what really makes this band THIS BAND. John's bouncing bassline. Nick's keyboards. Nick could do astounding things with keyboards. We would often have the echo of guitar, followed by keyboards, creating a kind of swishy back and forth. Steady drums. God bless Roger Taylor and those drums. The video had them on this weird little platform. All the puffy romantic shirts. Floppy hair in people's eyes. Oh yes. And Roger's beautiful throat. Glorious. I think the bassline holds the song together. There is a nice echo effect on Simon's voice too, which really connects back to what the keyboards and guitar are doing.

Anyone Out There:

On this one we have bass and guitar doing that back and forth echoing to each other. The keyboards are holding things together. They're very space-y. In a lot of albums from the early 80s, you find a lot of songs that have hits of nuclear war and social isolation. Like maybe you're the last person left. Scary how fitting this still is. One of the impressions I had during that time is that a lot of people felt like the world could end at any moment so you might as well drink the champagne. Yes, the keyboards are so steady here. Oh also, I love Simon's vocals on this. He really conveys a sense of loneliness. Great bass to close the song out.

To the Shore
That same kind of circling spiraling keyboarding to start the song out. Simon sings in his lower register on this one.  There is also an overlay of whispers. He goes back to the higher register later, but I always like his lower one. It always feels more serious. This song feels mournful. I don't think the rhyme scheme is as strong. It was left off of the later reprint of the album and I understand why. Having said that, it's one of those songs that makes you feel really drunk.

Careless Memories:
My god. I love this song. Angry Simon is angry at his lover. Ahh. He's so bitchy. So soon, just after your gone, my senses sharpen. Damn. This video is TECHNICALLY awful. Everything is too dramatic, to the point of being silly, but I still love it. The keyboards are holding things down again, but they have the drums and bass with them. The guitar is rocky. I bet Andy liked this one more. The keyboards also respond to Simon's singing, moving from said to angry. Ahh, it's just so deeply, beautifully angry. "Where are you now? Because I don't want to meet you." Hee. This song is also really fun live. He puts a lot of drama into the whole thing. Ohhh. And in the video, she's cheating on him with John. I mean, not that I would blame her.

END OF SIDE ONE.

Side two will happen tomorrow because it is a whole other animal.

Frozen

I've been in a bad place the last couple of days. I'm knitting and making progress. This is good. My mind is a nasty jumble of darkness and fear. It's ugly in there. I'm doing my best to just let it ride. Maybe the meds will knock it out. The problem is, I'm taking the meds on the reg. How bad would this be if I wasn't on the meds?

The brain weasels are keeping me up at night. I'm having trouble sleeping and when I DO sleep, I'm having horrible dreams. Decent sleep means I can have a decent and productive day. Without one, I don't have the other. So other than knitting, I accomplish nothing.

Just keep knitting. It's my version of 'just keep swimming.'

The Floor

The carpet in my bedroom is probably 30 years old. It's light blue. It's awful. It's sitting on top of an even uglier, older, worse carpet. The floor underneath that probably needs to be shored up because it makes a lot of creaking noises. I can't afford to fix any of it.

This is what I could do though. I've been vacuuming the carpet on the reg. It's getting better. I mean, I still pick up a ton of stuff from it, but that's to be expected. Today, I tackled the stains.

Like I said, it's very old. It's had a lot of foot traffic AND I have cats. Cats can get anything stained up. I've been in such a hopeless place about the house for so long that I didn't bother trying to make the carpet better. I just looked at it and sighed.

Today, my roommate and I worked on those stains. It wasn't easy. In fact, it was exhausting. We certainly did not remove all of them. We got some of them, however, and maybe a couple of repeated treatments will deal with the rest of them.

This process kind of wrecked me. I thought I could just sit on my chair and bend down to do the cleaning, but I ended up having to kind of squat over my chair and lower myself even more to reach them. It hurt. It was exhausting. My body is probably going to make me pay for that tomorrow.

It's fine though. This needs to be done and it will make the harmony in my room even better.

I'm sure some people are horrified by this post. How could you let your room get all stained up like that? How come you didn't clean that already? Why are you acting like such a simple act of maintaining your living space is an accomplishment?

If you feel that way, I'm glad you have the physical and emotional health to clean regularly. I haven't had that. I'm slowly trying to find my own way toward that. And there are a lot of people who aren't doing that kind of cleaning either, for a host of reasons.

Every removed stain, even if it's just one at a time, even if it takes you months, is progress. Just keep moving toward the mountain. Eventually, we'll all get there. 

Another Week

Is it weird that I felt a sense of guilt in the fact that I didn't purge anything from the house this week? I reminded myself that I'm focusing on the next phase of organization, which involves making things with all this yarn I've collected, but it didn't really sink in. I am making progress, but it's less tangible. Bah.

Aside from that, I spent the day in physical discomfort. My left ankle is killing me and it was hot. The heat is supposed to go away soon and maybe the ankle will get better with some decent sleep.

Better Day and Plans

It was hot today so I couldn't knit very much. The blanket is big and it's hard to work on it without it being on me. It's supposed to cool down though and that will give me some more time to try and finish it. I would love to be out from under this project.

The thing is, I don't hate the blanket. I rather love it. I just hate that it's taken me so long to finish it. Once it's completed, I need to work on covers for some decorative pillows in the same style so I can get rid of the rest of this yarn and also, have pillows to toss on the bed with the blanket. I have a vision, you know. It's changed over the months but it's there. It's gained more colors and more textures and I am fine with that. It suits me better.

The room also now has a tower fan. My awful, battered old box fan tended to fall and tries to fall apart and never really did that much. This will be better. I made sure to get one with a filter. In this house, trust me, you need them.

I still walk into my room and feel joy. This is the right direction.

Uggh Panic

I had a panic attack this morning. It woke me up and basically ruined my day. I've felt off and exhausted since 7 this morning. It's like I didn't sleep at all.

It was panic about everything, honestly. People might die. Things might be cut off. Things could get worse. People are stupid. People are seriously stupid. They're probably going to get us all killed.

Anyway.....the panic is over. I wish it wouldn't happen again but I know it will. This is the second panic attack I've had since this whole mess began. I'm not bragging and I'm not trying to get attention. This is just A LOT.

Serendipity

So this is my thinking process as I work on the afghan. Most everything in this isn't yarn I purchased. Almost everything comes from stashes people gave me overtime. The yarn came into my life due to the generosity of others. Or, you know, because they needed to make space in their houses and know I'm a yarnslut. I didn't pick it out, and yet, I am transforming it into something I find beautiful, something that will keep me and mine warm and cozy for years to come. I know this to be true because I still have the first afghan I ever made and it's like almost 30 years old.

My cats are the same way. I didn't pick them out. They came into my life because they were abandoned and needed a home. I was able to provide that home. And yet now, these cats bring love and joy to my life every day.

The best parts of my life, the pets, the friends, the loved ones, have all been gifts given to me by whatever serendipity makes such things happen. I am very blessed and very loved. This is a good night for remembering such things.

Back in the Saddle

I'm working on my knitted blanket again. It took me a bit to really remember what I was doing with it, but now I've gotten the hang of it and I'm making some progress. It will be cold for the next week and maybe I can actually finish it by then. We'll see.

Finishing this project would be a very good thing. This blanket sat all during winter and most of last year. It needs to be completed so I can move to something else with a clean slate.

Virus vs The World

I had probably my first moment of weirded out 'this is getting bad' today. One door at Walmart was closed and there were barriers by the other entrance. Later we found out they were going to start limiting the number of people who can be in there at a time.

This isn't going to be easy on anyone. I know why they're doing it, but, again, it is an ableist solution to a bigger problem. A lot of people can NOT wait out in a line in order to get into the store. The store is exhausting enough as it is. Waiting outside, in the rain, in the heat, in possible storms? I'm sorry, that's just going to be impossible for a good number of people.

This is also another example of how the normal aspects of people's lives are being stripped away. There is only so much of that you can do before people seriously begin to panic. Panic is just going to cause more problems.

Habits III

I won't say I accomplished as much today as I did the last two days. Mostly I accomplished in terms of NOT doing some stuff. That was about it.

I did shower and I did do my nightly workout. I'm also blogging, which is part of the nightly routine I've promised myself I would keep doing.
Right now it's easy to just zone out and I can't let myself do that.

I had some bad moments today. I was on the verge of crying quite a few times and my stomach has been in knots (allergies and tension) I'm hoping I find some calm tonight. I'm going to try and just let my mind relax after I do some stuff.

Tomorrow we have to go out and run some errands. We'll be careful and clean everything (and ourselves) as much as possible. Hopefully this will be over soon. 

Habits II

I said I was going to fold my clothes today.............and I did. Everything was folded and put into drawers. The hallway laundry basket was put into the hallway. It wasn't easy-peasy, but it was manageable. The beauty of that is that I MADE IT be manageable. I'm still a little floored by that.

I was watching an interview with a woman who considers herself a minimalist today. She said that her definition of it is more expansive than most people's. She believes that you should live with only the things that make you happy and are useful to your life. Everything else should be removed.

Her example was how she only used a certain number of plates and bowls over and over again, and yet she had 20 or more plates than that. She just let those set on her shelf as she washed the ones she liked again and again. After a while, she realized she could remove all the other plates (keeping just one or two extra for guests or emergencies) and gain a great deal of space. She did this with everything in her kitchen. She only liked ONE of her frying pans, so she removed the rest. She only cooked soup in ONE soup pan, so she removed the rest. By eliminating all of the stuff she never used, she was able to clean her kitchen easier because there was just so much less to clean.

I feel like this is what I've accomplished in my room. Admittedly, I could probably still get rid of quite a few things, but for the most part, my room is function and amazing now. I feel good when I go in there. I feel accomplished when I go in there. Beyond just weekly maintenance, all I need to finish now is just some artwork. That's it.

This took me a long time. It also took a great deal of help, support, very good suggestions, and patience from my roommate. There are still issues, but ones I can live with.

OH, actually, that's another thing about doing this kind of home improvement. When you're limited by money, skill, and ability, you may start to feel like a difficult house is an impossible house. A lot of problems pile up and it feels like you can't get out from under them. There are things about my room I can't fix by myself. I can't change the flooring. I can't fix my broken windows. HOWEVER, because I fixed the other problems in that room, the carpet and windows feel less annoying. They aren't two items on a list of 10 things I hate about my room. They are the two remaining items, and when you just have two problems, it feels so much easier. It really does.

Yay!!