The Lesson of Giftless

Giftless, being her usual self.

My little village is driving me crazy. Friendless, the girl who was 12 when I first started the game, grew up and got married. The problem is, she married someone in another village and moved away. I miss the poor thing. I stalk this person's village so I can see how she's doing. She always looks happy, but then again it's a Facebook game and I'm insane.

After all, it's not like I'm going to swing by this other village and find her chained to a tree while the rest of villagers take turns beating her with sticks. Of course, I might have done that to Giftless when she showed up, because she's so damned useless. However, her uselessness taught me an interesting and valuable life lesson. Yes, seriously.

See, every other adult villager I had possessed some skill that made them useful. Hopeless and her husband are very skilled in gathering things. Shiftless is great at mining. Friendless was really talented with farming. Poor old Giftless, however, was, as her name implies, without any talent . . . unless you count breaking things and being ten years older than her husband as talents. I did not.

So while everyone else was off being awesome at something, I would give Giftless all the mundane tasks. She would draw water from the wells, gather firewood, and fix minor tools. She would pick any berries that didn't take too long and make sure that all the stupid things we always have to have in stock, WERE in stock. All the while she did this stuff, I would be annoyed with her for not being able to give me any serious skills.

Then she got pregnant and couldn't work. Suddenly, I couldn't put my other people on their long term, difficult tasks because they were having to draw water, gather berries, get firewood, and fix all the little tools. No farming was happening, no lengthy-tasked gathering could happen, no mining, and certainly no building. Everyone else was having to handle the stuff that Giftless handled all on her own.

And, okay, I realize this is a silly Facebook game, but I was really profoundly humbled by this realization. Giftless, who I had gnashed my teeth at since she arrived in my village was not the most useless person there . . . she was really the most USEFUL person there, because her lack of skills allowed her to play a very vital role in the village. She made things run by doing all the little stuff. If freed up everyone else to do the big stuff. She was deeply important and fit quite well into the structure of the village. The old adage is true. There are no small parts.

I found this little lesson so lovely that I reworked it into a fable told by a wise man in a roleplay I was doing. I think I'm even making it part of my own personal wisdom and mission in life. I want to take the time to really admire the people who do the mundane things, the people who work behind the scenes of life, and who keep the whole damned thing running. These people are vital to the human tribe and they should be celebrated.

Giftless still breaks things all the time. She still flirts with a man who isn't her husband and drinks too much of the water supply. I've come to actually like that about her though. Her little bit of talentless chaos is now an important aspect in my village. I'm glad we have her and I appreciate her contributions. . . even if she did just break the ladder. Again.

No So Great Expectations

A friend of mine recently got a really great promotion at work, the kind of promotion that is almost rare for people these days. Not only did her pay increase, but she also received a lot of benefits and perks. As we were talking about it today, she remarked that even though she should be happy about all of this, she wasn't. She was terrified. Every time she noticed a new and better aspect of the promotion, the fear inside her grew bigger. She is convinced there is a catch. At some moment, the rug is going to be pulled out from under her and she'll realize this job is even worse than the last one she had.

Mind you, this isn't a case of the Peter Principle where she has been promoted to her level of incompetence. She is bright and a hard worker. She'll do wonderful things with this promotion. However, the general outlook she has is that things just really can NOT get better for her. There will always be a catch. There will always be something that stings. Nothing can get better.

Before you assume my friend just needs to get some therapy, I would like to point out that I'm seeing this thought pattern in more and more people. I talk to people, sane, rational, usually not all that depressed people, who tell me that they really have very little hope of things getting better . . . even when things ARE getting better for them.  We're just so used to things going wrong that we don't believe they can go right. We don't think we will win, or if we do win, it will only be at a cost that probably wasn't worth it.

And while some of this shows up in life outside of work, the majority of it seems to be happening with people at work. People don't trust their employers. They don't trust their bosses. They don't trust the contracts. They don't trust what they are being told. People have seen to many situations where workers were with a company for years and then got screwed out of pension funds or steady income or their lives.

A lot of statements have been made about why the economy is as bad as it is. Liberals blame conservative policies. Conservatives blame liberal policies. If you look through all of the data, you will see truth and lies in both. However, one of the main reasons why the economy is so bad is because the American Worker no longer feels safe. The American Worker no longer feels like they can work hard or educate themselves into a better place in life than what they have right now. A lot of people feel that their best efforts will bring them nothing. It scares the hell out of them.

I feel for my friend who just got the promotion. I wish she could be happy about it, but I understand why she isn't. In all of the years she has been working (and she's been working since she was 15), any rise in job status has always resulted in more stress and headaches for her. Even though she's worked very hard to get where she is, even though she has made a lot of practical decisions and actively done her best, she still feels, deep down, that none of it will matter. The worst part is, even if this job turns out to be really great and has no hidden evils, she still won't be able to relax.

After all, at any moment, it could be taken away.

Slight Technical Difficulties

I had stuff to write about but it's not happening because I screwed up one of my fingers. I have thin fingernails and when I was trying to move something, the nail flipped backwards, farther than it should have, and ripped way from my nail bed. It hurts horribly and as much as I would love to avoid using the finger completely, I find that I'm typing with it a lot. I've tried switching positions on it and holding i t other angles, but nothing is helping.

My guess is that it should be better by tomorrow. I may try to write the post then. For now, I think I just want to mouse things and try to do my best to keep this from getting infected.

Problems Revisited

Lately I've been reading a lot about problem solving. It's become almost an obsession of mine, as I'm starting to view life as less of a big ass hassle that is trying to keep me from enjoying it to a vast puzzle with many chances for me to find solutions. Our basic, and most fundamental survival skill is that we are creative problem-solvers.

Of course, sometimes our problems don't seem so basic and fundamental. Quite often, as society becomes more complex, our problems seem chaotic, intimidating, and even impossible. This is usually compounded by the fact that many problems have been growing for years. Most problems seem like Gordian Knots to us. We end up being Alexanders who cut through them instead of unwinding them. Some people believe this is the best way to handle the large problems. I'm not so sure though. I'm starting to think that most problems, even the big knotted up ones, have the core of being a basic problem. Basic problems can always be solved.

Now I'm not going to say I'm the total expert on this. However, after reading about  problem solving methods, I think there are some basic rules that can help you through it.

1. Summarize your problem in a single sentence.
   Yes, I know. I KNOW. Most of today's problems are bigger than a mere sentence. Our lives are complex and very full. Things have layers and additions and details. At least, this is how we like to view it. Really, mos problems CAN be reduced to one sentence. It's just that in a way, it's kind of scary to see it that way. "I can't get the kids to wake up on time." "I can't pay my rent." "I can't make myself work out." "I can't keep the house clean." "I can't find love."
   
2. Think about whether or not you really, truly WANT to solve this problem.
   You may be thinking, 'well of course I do,' but even as you think that, you know part of you really doesn't. Too often in life, we waste our time trying to fix things that we really don't want to fix. Why do we do this? Usually social pressure. "People say I should get married, so I guess I should fix the problem of being single." "People say I should stop smoking, so I guess I should stop smoking."
   
   Look, and this is probably the most important part of this post, if YOU do not truly wish to solve a problem, it will not be solved. It can't be solved for other people. It can't be solved because you think it's the right thing. Unless you really, really want to solve it, you will always sabotage yourself. It's not what you want and part of you is always going to rage against you trying to go against your own will.
   
3. Make a declaration of your goal. Write your goal down. Blog about it. Tell others about it. Put a note on your mirror. Make it the thing your phone says to you. Keep this goal around you as much as possible. The physical statement of it should always be near you. "I will lose 30 lbs." "I will balance my check book." "I will get an A in French." When you wake up in the morning, say your goal to yourself. When you go to bed at night, say it again. Make it a part of your life, not some vague dream. Live with the desire of your goal. Make it a real fact inside you.
   
4. Collect data. Write down ways you have tried to accomplish your goal before. Keep a journal of any activity connected to the goal. Do spread sheets of time you work on the goal and what happens. This step is important because you can't really discern why you aren't accomplishing your goal unless you know what activities are going on with it in the moment.
   
   For instance, let's say your goal is to save $400.00 a month. The first month you try to do this, you save about ten dollars. You're confused because you knew you set a goal and you have no idea why it didn't happen (this sounds simplistic, but face it, a lot of us have done this). The next month, make a note of everything you purchase. Note the time, the location, the day. EVERYTHING. Now, don't try to change anything yet. Don't try to make it better than it really is. Just go about life the way you normally do. The key is that you write down everything that has to do with money.
   
5. Analyze your data. Keeping with our example from 4, let's say you have a spread sheet of your money spending. You now know where all of your cash went. You also know when you would spend it and what on. As you examine your data, you will begin to see patterns.  "Oh, every time I go to the book store, I buy no books, but spend at least twenty bucks on coffee and a sandwich." "If I skip dinner before going to the movie, I spend more money on snacks than I would just grabbing something before I left."
   
6.  Experiment with changes. I say experiment here because not all changes will work for you, or at least, not all changes will work at first. It may take several different tactics before you find a change that really works for you.
   
   For instance, my roommate and I always set a goal to keep the electricity average from increasing. For us, the biggest obstacle to this is always the AC usage during the summer. The first couple of years in the new house, we tried closing off everything except for the living room. The bill still went up. As we started analyzing why, we realized that the hotter it was, the more power the kitchen appliances would use in order to stay cool. After all, summers in my area could result in a kitchen that was 100 degrees.
   
   This year, instead of closing off the kitchen, we left it open. This meant the AC didn't cool down the living room as much as before, because it had a larger area to handle. However, it also meant that the kitchen didn't get so horribly hot. The appliances weren't struggling to stay cool and didn't run nearly as much.
   
   This alteration in the plan paid off. Our average was reduced by ten dollars. 

In Altered States, Edward Jessup spends a night as a primitive human. He tells his wife that his only drives were to eat, drink, sleep, and survive. He then tells her that having accomplished that, he'd never felt so satisfied in his life. Our basic blueprints as humans are to solve problems. Solving them gives us satisfaction and makes us feel accomplished. Our problems can be daunting and often, they are ongoing and complex. However, if we can find ways to simplify them and work on then every day, we can and will find solutions. We are a creative group. There is very little we can't solve, once we truly set our minds to it. 

It Takes a Virtual Village

I started playing a new game on Facebook. Basically you start out in a small screwed up village and you slowly watch it grow. I do mean slow. People age one year per 24 hour period. The game allows you to grow families and hopefully expand into new generations. I love stuff like this so of course I'm playing.  The best part, besides the having babies part, is that you get to name your characters.

You start out with a pregnant woman and her husband who are wandering around rubble during a storm. I named the woman Hopeless and her husband is Useless. After some complaining on her part, they get things settled enough for her to deliver. She had twins. I named the boy Pointless. The girl is called Luckless. Game babies just crawl around and get out of the shelter, but serve no other purpose.

Soon they were joined by two other villagers. The first was an 18 yr old male that I named Shiftless. The other was a girl of 12. I named her Friendless. I'm not sure if Friendless and Shiftless are related or if he perved on a 12 yr old or what. I don't think he was perving on her, because the first thing he starts whining about is finding a girlfriend. I made arrangements for him to start dating a girl from a neighboring village and did my best to start building their camp.

The next night, I got to see everyone age up for the first time. The adults didn't change much, but Friendless, upon turning 13, was forced into laboring for the village like the adults. The twins, now one, could walk, run, and play. Play was the most important of all of these, because that was how I gained experience points. If your villager has more than two things they want, they won't play.

Past this, village life became a series of demands.  Hopeless is the worst. She's always wanting crap. Once I would go through the tasks to build her the stuff she wanted, she would instantly start whining for something else. Most of the time I would just make her work, because she never took any breaks from her wants to really just play for a while. Her husband Useless likes to have fun, too much, in fact. Every time I try to assign a task to him, it takes him forever to do it because he's too busy dancing or playing the flute. Idiot.

Friendless is my best villager. She likes to have fun when not working, and can farm faster than anyone. I would say Shiftless is my second best villager, but he now has baggage. I married him off to a woman from another village. They decided to come live with me, which at first I thought was a good thing. However, his wife is less than desirable. She has no real skills, she complains almost as much as Hopeless, and she showed up to my village at 28 years of age. 28.  She is nine years older than Shiftless and only has a few good breeding years. Normally in life I wouldn't care, but this is a game about breeding villagers. I kind of need her to be young considering babies take 48 hours to be born, which is basically two years in game time. By the way, I renamed this woman Giftless, because she brought nothing to the party.

I know the whole baby cycle time length because two days ago, Hopeless started demanding to have a baby. I clicked to allow it and 24 hours later, I was informed she was pregnant. This also meant she couldn't be used as a laborer until the baby was born. Twenty-four hours past that, she gave birth to a new little girl. I named her Tactless.

I have no idea how long this game will hold my interest before it either explodes or just disappears, but so far I'm having fun with it. Both Hopeless and Giftless wanted more babies today, so I clicked on the option to try and make it happen. I'll know by tomorrow if it worked. I suspect that Friendless will want to be married soon and there is a large chance she'll end up moving away. I'll miss her because she really is a good villager.

It's always the best ones who leave you.

List of Holiday Rules

We spent Black Friday in a quiet, calm kind of way. We didn't go out or shop or anything, even though, during most weeks, Friday is our shopping day. We talked about my time with my family, ate leftovers, and watched the cats. I folded some laundry and shivered a bit as it got increasingly colder throughout the day. Now I've got a cat sleeping on me as I type. She's buried under a blanket and purring. Life is good.

As we get even closer to December, I want to keep life in a good place. I know this time of year can be very stressful and annoying, but I want to do everything I can to make sure it's not. Hence, I've decided to make some rules for myself this holiday season, especially where Facebook is concerned. I want to have a happy holiday and I know there are some ways I can accomplish that.

1. I will not judge other people and their taste levels. Okay, there are things I may think are tacky and overdone about people's holiday pics, but that's really none of my business. They're not posting the pics for my critique. They're posting them to document their own joy.

2. I will not read people's killjoy posts. I don't want to be made to feel guilty about the holiday. Yes, I know there are people who are suffering in the world, but if you want to do something about it, actually DO something about it. Don't just post crap on Facebook to make people feel guilty. That doesn't help the people who are having problems, that just makes people feel guilty.

3. I will ignore all posts about what the holidays should be called/what they mean/why we have them. Old argument is old. If you want to call it Christmas because Baby Jesus came down on December 24th and told you to, that is awesome. Call it Christmas. But don't show you ass by screaming at people who don't. By the same token, if someone else calls the holiday Christmas and you don't, don't scream at them for CALLING it Christmas. Christmas is what they happen to be celebrating. Let's just all try not to be dildos about it.

4. I will be In The Moment with my loved ones. I will not dwell on the past. I will not worry about the future. I will just enjoy the moments with the people and animals I love.

5. I will sing. I love holiday music and I'm going to sing it as often as I can.  Even if it's just in the car by myself . . .

I'm going to try and remind myself of this list every morning and do my best to live by it. I want a happy, peaceful holiday season. I can't control every aspect of it, but I can control these five things. Just that alone should make it pretty great.

Holiday Participation: Level . . .Somewhat Improved

For many years, my participation at family gatherings was minimal. I would come in, hug people, and then sit down as quickly as possible so I could catch my breath. I would sit in the living room on the farthest edge of the couch. I did this so that I wasn't in anyone's way. Of course, this meant I was isolated from the conversation in the kitchen. I would really only speak to people when they walked through the living room. Someone had to get my plate of food for me.

I was never okay with this. I wanted to be a part of the conversation. I wanted to interact with people. I wanted to be able to depend on myself for my own food and my own stuff. I just couldn't. I didn't have the strength or the mental calmness to handle it.

This year . . . well, you know the changes I've been working on this year. I wanted to actually try and change up how this gathering would go for me. So instead of just going to the farthest point on the couch, I took a seat in the kitchen. I talked to people. I interacted with them. I teased them. I held my niece. I helped to set the table.

Mind you, this didn't last for the whole time I was over there. After a while, I found myself back in the living room. It took a while though. For the first several hours I was there, I was participating. I was laughing and talking. I was making memories about the holidays being something besides sitting on a couch. And for that I am very thankful.

Thanksgiving Post

I think one of the fundamental things that has changed about my life as I have gotten older is that I basically function in a state of gratitude. This isn't to say I don't have my moments of anger, selfishness, and some horrid pity parties, because I totally do. However, on my good days, in my thoughts, and in my outlook, I am thankful for what I have.

Being thankful has changed a lot about my level of happiness. When I was younger and functioned in a state of "me me me want want want," I was rarely happy. I rarely savored the moments. I just obsessed about the past and fretted about the future. In other words, I concentrated on shit I couldn't do a damned thing about.

These days, I have a lot to be thankful for. Actually, I find I have more to be thankfulness every day. I've done posts like this before, so I thought I'd focus on the things that have changed this year that I am grateful for.

• I am very thankful that I know what I want out of life. I understand that, above all things, I want to be stable and strong in all aspects of my life. I want to be secure in my ability to handle the challenges that rear their ugly little heads. I want to be able to walk as far as I need to and learn what I have to in order to make my life calm, peaceful, and good.
• I am thankful that I am learning to forgive.  There are a lot of hurts and slights that have happened to me. I'm getting to the point where I know that carrying them around with me is just useless. I'm letting them go and moving forward. The debts are erased and my life is mine now, unchained by the past.
• I am thankful that I'm taking the state of my health into my own hands. Every day, I do something to get closer to my weight goal. And yes, that goal is so far off it's basically in another state, but that's okay. Every step I take towards the goal is significant. 
• I am thankful that my roommate and I have began to view problems in a different way.  The new motto is, "If Plan A isn't working, we move to Plan B. If Plan B doesn't work, we move to Plan C." There have been a lot of things in our lives that have been difficult in the way we were trying to handle them. Instead of just growing more and more frustrated about the fact that the plan wasn't working, we now opt to abandon the plan and try a new one. So far, this is making a lot more sense and saving us quite a bit of stress.

Lastly, and this isn't a new thing for this year, but it does need to be mentioned, I am so deeply grateful for all the love I'm given. I am thankful for my friends, for the family members who love me, for the animals who love me, and for my small following of blog readers. I feel very loved every day by all of you. There is nothing better in the world than that.

Just to Clarify

Today, again, for like the billionth time, I had someone tell me that the aim of feminism is to make women feel bad about wanting to stay home and be mothers. And again, for the billionth time, I wondered what the fuck planet they were on. Don't get me wrong; I know there are plenty of people out there who decry housewives. They are plenty of television shows that make housewifery seem like drudgery and pain. But this thing about feminists trying to make you feel bad for being a housewife? Okay, I have two things to say about that.

The first thing is this . . . people are supercritical of women in our society. No matter what you do or don't do, no matter what path you take, people are going to be judging you on it. They are going to bitch. They are going to complain. If you choose to work and have no kids, people say you are cold and heartless. If you choose to be a working mom, people say you're not devoting enough time to either one or the other. If you stay at home and raise your kids, people will say you're wasting your potential. If you choose to have no kids, people say you are selfish. It's not just feminists. It's not just people who follow a traditional path. It's damn near almost everyone, because damn near almost everyone thinks they have the RIGHT to make comment about what we womenfolk do with our lives and time.

The second thing . . . do what makes you happy and ignore the naysayers. If you truly want to be a housewife and a stay at home mom, awesome. If you want to work and take care of your family too, awesome. If you want to be a single parent, awesome. If you want to not have any kids at all, awesome. Choose whatever of these makes you happy. Or hell, choose them all in some random order. Okay, not that random. It's kind of hard to have kids and then NOT have them later on without some kind of felony involved, but you know what I mean.

The point is, it doesn't matter what some other philosophy says. This is your life. Consider the options, think about what is best for you, look at your goals, and make the choices that best suit YOU. For some of us, that will mean having kids. And for those who were meant to be parents, I truly do believe that your kids bring you joy and meaning and fulfillment. That is awesome and lovely and ignore anyone who tries to question it. For the rest of us who opt NOT to make that a part of our lives, don't think we're dissing you for your choices. We're just following the path we knew was best for us.

I have known for the majority of my adult life that I didn't want children. I don't relate to them, I get bored with them, and I really enjoy life on my terms. I also know that I am very, very blessed in this mindset, as I have some complications with my body that would make having kids next to impossible. I was spared a lot of emotional pain and I am grateful for that. But when I say that having children and being in the house with them all day sounds worse than having someone shove needles in my eyes during a Nickelback concert, THAT DOES NOT MEAN I am thinking bad thoughts about you because you don't see it that way.

And you know what? We have feminism to thank for the fact that you can choose your path and I can choose mine. You're not forced to marry some dude who didn't want kids and I'm not forced to marry some dude who did. Before women had rights, we would have been stuck doing whatever it was that our husbands wanted . . . and we certainly would have had very little choice about having husbands at all. You stay at home mamas may have been forced to work anyway (because women have always worked) if your husband wasn't making enough money or died or just walked off and left you. And trust me, your job options would have been very limited and crappy.

So let's just be joyful we have more options these days and respect each other's choices. The choices are a blessing. Let's not muddy that blessing by criticizing each other about what everyone chose.

The Purgatory of Mourning

The Strange and Beautiful Location of Uutiil in Glitch

Today I went to Uutiil, a location in Glitch.  The gravity is thick and you can float for quite a while before falling.  The colors are twilights leading into darkness and the music is sad and wistful. It seems that all the portal doors come through here. It is, at this point, the newest location discovered in Ur. In all likelihood, it will also be the last new location.

The white squares under my glitch's feet are notes people are leaving.  I have found many of them in different places, but Uutiil is full of them. The notes read like eulogies. People talk about how much they love the game, how much they are going to miss it. People reach out to the unknown souls who also play, thanking them for making the game fun, wishing them well. It's hard to be in Uutiil, with all of it's loveliness and sorrow. But I suspect I will go back there every day . . . until the end.

When I went back to Facebook, I read that my brother and his family have made arrangements to have their dog put to sleep tomorrow. This crushed me because I dearly love that dog.  His name is Whiskers and he's been in the family since he was a puppy some 16 or so years ago. I will miss him so much, though I know this will be easier for him.  He's constantly in pain now. As I've written before, one of the major responsibilities of being a pet owner is knowing when you have to do the right thing for your pet, even if it breaks your heart.

I don't know how my SIL and my brother are managing this. Having an animal put down is hard enough when you go to the vet and have it done right then. To make an appointment and know you have to look at this pet and talk to them and hold them, all the while understanding that in the morning you will be putting them down . . . no, I couldn't do it. I would back out. I would scream over the phone that a mistake had been made.

It's not that I think they are doing the wrong thing. They're not. It's just the hours that would drive me crazy.  The hours and hours of mourning before the fact of it happening. Those hours of knowing you're heading into a horrible, painful reality and there is nothing you can do to stop it. This kind of situation, this purgatory of mourning . . . it is one of the worst things in the world. Even when you know it is the right thing, even when you know there is nothing you can do to stop it . . . it is still rough, so painfully rough.

I guess for me it will always be the illustrated in the different ways my mother and my grandmother died. As I have written before, my mother's death was sudden, shocking, and without warning. No grief happened until after the death. In that way, it is a clean memory of pain. It is pure.  When my grandmother was diagnosed with a cancer that couldn't be cured, we had a year left with her. In some ways, that year was a blessing.

In other ways, in how she got increasingly worst and more disabled, how she lost so much in terms of her mind and body control and dignity, in how each morning I had to wake up and know we were closer and closer and closer . . . it was so much worse. We mourned for her even before she died, because we knew her death was near. The memory of the pain is complicated and dark and almost maddening.

Tonight my thoughts will remain with my brother's family and with Whiskers.  I will think about how he would do a happy little dance when I would come over and loved sitting on my lap. I will think about how soft his fur is, how lovely it's color, and about how he is a good dog and had a good life with my family. I hope when he passes, he will know he is a good dog, that he is loved, and that he enriched so many lives by just being his sweet little self. Goodbye, Whiskers. Safe  journey.

Soul Suckages

Okay, I have no idea how much time I have. Last night the internet cut out at 8: 20 and didn't come on for hours. When it did come back, it wasn't great. Today has been only marginally better. My internet is so wonky right now.  It keeps dying every half hour or so and it's sucking my soul.

You know what sucks my soul even more? Calling the internet company. Any call to the internet company lasts at least half an hour and that is only if you are lucky. While you're waiting, they plague you with advertisements for their other products. As I've said before, the time to get someone to buy your shit is not when they're calling to complain about your shit not working.

Of course, for me the worst part about this is how it cut out time from my last days playing Glitch. I missed a whole night and I hate that. When I finally got on this morning, I noticed that a lot of people have started placing random notes around the world, talking about how much they love the game. Every time I read one of them, it breaks my heart.

I bought a bunch of party packs and randomly passed them out to people on the game. I figured it was my way of trying to spread some End of Days cheer.

And while I have been working on this post, my net has cut out twice. I guess I should play it safe and just post. Maybe things will get better during the week and I can write things of substance.

Preparing for the End

Yes, this is another post about Glitch. Yes, I know this is the third one. I don't care. I've not been this emotional about anything in a long while. I keep trying to be calm and rational about it, but I can't. The fact that this game is closing just destroys my heart. In a lot of ways, it really is like the end of the world. Yes, I know Hostess is closing as well, but my guess is that Hostess will get picked up by some other company that wants to make snackcakes. It looks like no one is going to pick up Glitch.

I keep thinking they will though. Every time I go back to the site, I keep wanting to see this message that there is good news and someone bought it and everything is going to be okay. So far it hasn't happened. It's just so sad.

I'll probably get past this in a day or two. Well, not past it, but at least maybe I'll be able to focus on other things. It's kind of all I'm thinking about right now. I'm actually mourning this game. Not just the game, actually, I'm also mourning the loss  of the interaction, the players, the cute people people, and even the idea of how this game worked. It really encouraged people to explore and use their creativity. So few games really do that anymore.

Everything about the world is strange now. Because the game is shutting down, a lot of the rules are being suspended. People have less limits on their abilities and everyone was given a lot of credits to go buy stuff. I bought every outfit I ever coveted . . . and then felt so hallow about it because I remembered how I was able to do this . . .

For a while, I thought about just stopping my gameplay. Glitch will still be functioning until Dec. 9th, but there really is no reason to continue to play. The thing is, there never was any reason to play in the first place . . . other than the fact that I loved the game. With that in mind, I will keep playing until then and my little Glitch will just fight her fight to help save the world, even though, in the end, I know it will all come crashing down on her.

The Shrine at the End of Imagination

Mullangi Meda, the Shrine at the End of Imagination.

When I first started playing Glitch, one of the things I liked about it was the vast mythology behind it. The world of Glitch, call Ur, was said to have been created by 11 giants. In game, the Giant/Glitch relationship is one of basic primal worship. Each street has a shrine to one of the 11. The shrines serve as places to offer donation, meet up with other Glitches, and as a way to protect the world from the Rooks, big evil birds that destroy imagination and creation. The Giants also help with quests and skills, as each Giant is over certain realms of influence.

As soon as I started the game, I found myself drawn to the Giant called Lem. This didn't surprise me for several reasons. First of all, Lem's symbol was two arrows facing in different directions. Ever since reading Michael Moorecock, I've had a thing for mythological beings that use arrows in their symbolism. Second of all, Lem is a god of practical jokes . . . in other words, he was the Trickster of the bunch. I love Tricksters.

Lem was also the Giant who resided over exploration, travel, and navigation. Fundamentally, in my mind, this made him the most important Giant, as Glitch was a game about traveling and exploring. From Lem stemmed two of the most important powers in the game, teleportation (the ability to teleport from one location to anywhere else on the maps) and eyeballery (the ability to hold still and look at the totality of a location all at once).

So my little Glitch became a Lemmite. When the old housing system was in place, I had her purchase a house that connected to a street with a Lem shrine. Every day, she would gather up things in a travel bag and place it out by that shrine. It could be picked up by anyone. I never even saw who got them. The bag would have things for traveling in it. Food, drinks, usually an expensive item or two. It would also have teleportation scripts to various places.

I would change up what places I would link to, except in one case. I always included a script that would take you to Mullangi Meda. In the little story I wove about my Glitch and her travels, this street was the most holy of all Lem shrines. It was located as far North as the glitches had explored in the region of Aranna. On the map at that time, everything past Aranna was called "the end of imagination."  It was said that Rooks lived in the mountains past Aranna. The shrines there were the first line of defense.

I always found Mullangi Meda to be the most beautiful of streets. The way it was constructed, you could just imagine the pure, crisp air. You could almost feel the chill in the air that mingled with the heat of the sun, as one tried to melt the snow and the other tried to preserve it. If you went on foot to this shrine, there was a lot of climbing and jumping involved. It was both very much North and very high in the mountains. It was always worth the climb though, as there was a bit of extra favor from the Giants located on the street.

So in every bag I donated, I always had a script to there. The note I would leave with the script would read, "Travel to Mullangi Meda, a bastion against those who seek to destroy our world, a holy place to Lem and to all Giants.  A place of beauty, secured by brave little glitches who wanted to keep us all safe. The Shrine at the End of Imagination."

Mullangi Meda, in the region of Aranna, in the land called Ur, isn't physically a real place. Soon, because Glitch is closing, it won't even be an accessible place online. But in my mind, in my imagination, it is real and it will always be real. Until I have lost all memory and all thought, I will be able to imagine what is like to stand there, to listen to the birds call out and hoping none of them are too dangerous. I will smell the snow around me and hear the drip of icicles as the bright sun melts them.

Because in the end, what Tiny Speck was able to do with Glitch was to truly create a world so vivid and so visceral that it will never leave the people who played there, the people who loved it. Mullagni Meda may be an imaginary place, but it is also, truly, a place of pure imagination, a place that has inspired much inside of me.

We Were About to Win the Game

Sigh. I was having a pretty good day until logged onto Glitch and found out it was closing. It seems that what is truly the best game on the internet failed to grow as quickly as it needed to or make as much money as it needed to in order to survive. This is really, truly, deeply sad. I loved Glitch and I loved the way they structured the game. I loved the interaction with other players and the way it truly did stimulate a very fun part of my imagination. I'm going to miss it so much.

That's actually putting it mildly. I'm just heartbroken about this.  There are so many screwed up, crappy games out there that survive and here was this one, that had a great story line, never got boring, hired wonderful support staff, did fun things, always improved itself, and did everything RIGHT  . . . and now it's going to be gone.

But now it's all going to be gone. They said they have tried everything they could to make it continue, but they just can't make it work. I feel really heartsick over this. The people who worked for Tiny Speck have a lot of talent and maybe they'll find a way to start another type of game soon. Goodbye, Glitch. I really loved you.

600 Posts In

As I was finishing up my posts last night, I noticed I was on post 600. It blew my mind a little, because I don't think I've ever done 600 of anything except maybe eating 600 sunflower seeds in one setting. The idea that I've stuck with this blog long enough to do 600 posts is astounding. And yes, I know I say that every time I reach some blog milestone. Seriously, I'm always shocked when I hit one. I've really stuck with it for this long. Wow.

Another milestone happened for me today as well. I had my first day of actually feeling fear over the idea of my clothes sliding off of me. They're not totally lose yet, but they are so, so getting there. Hah!

You know, for the first time in a long while, I'm actually excitedly curious about how my life will be at 1200 posts in.  How much weight loss will there be? How much alteration in my life? Will I be more successful? Will there be zombies? Will I maybe have enough weight gone to run from the zombies?

I guess the point is that I actually feel like I'm finally starting to pull myself out of the hole my life had fallen into. I'm starting to really feel changes in my outlook and see changes in my body. I'm starting to walk better and stronger and have routines that I somewhat really stick to. Of course, it took me almost 40 years to get to this point, but hey! At least I'm here.

More than anything, I feel very grateful. I feel so grateful that I have the blog, that I have therapy, that I have friends who truly support me, and that I have had the courage to really invest in my well-being and future.

I'm also thankful for spell check because I have really screwed up so many words in this post. You don't even want to know how my brain kept trying to spell 'courage.' I think it was even cougar a couple of times . . . which is fitting, I suppose.

I'm Sure the House Will Sink at Any Moment

I have turned into an Edgar Allen Poe character. Okay, I've turned into more than what I already was of one. I already wore mournful colors all the time, possess an unnatural fear of minor shit, and write down my thoughts on a constant basis.  However, now I'm developing a sensitivity to sound.

This is actually a lot more horrible than I thought it would be. I'm having to keep the volume of things down to almost nothing. Anything that vibrates or buzzes is just setting my teeth on edge. Random sounds from the cats or outside sound so much louder than usual. In real life, people's voices aren't bothering me, but they do on TV.

I know this is just a sinus thing. Once my sinuses decide to stop being in whatever tizzy they're in, I'm sure I'll be fine. In the meantime, I'm having to try to do my best  to have moments where I can shut out as much sound as possible, even if this means just laying in my room with a pillow over my face.

Speaking of which, I think I need to go do that for a while. It's been a long, strange day and I just need some sleep . .  . and some silence.

The Power of your Written Word

Today my roommate asked me if anyone else besides him had noticed the changes in my weight. I mentioned my therapist and a couple of other people, but then told him I was really okay with no one seeing it yet. I meant it too. This got me to thinking about why I was okay with it and how different that was from the past.

I think it comes down to two things for me. The first one is that, oddly enough, I am actually doing this for me this time. I'm not trying to get healthy so I can be approved of by a society that likes healthy people. I'm not doing it to impress a family member or god forbid, impress a boy. I'm doing it because I know it's best for me and it's making me feel good. All in all, this seems quite healthy.

The other reason I'm not too stressed about people noticing is because of the blog. I've been doing a lot of documentation about my walk towards a healthier life. Writing about it helps me to really think about what I'm doing, why, and look at the progress I've made over the months. It keeps me sane about the process and helps me to keep my mind on my goals.

I really, honestly do think that even if you aren't someone who blogs or keeps a journal or diary on a regular basis, if you decide to make a large change in your life, it is a good idea to start one. Writing about your transition can be invaluable for you. Just on the very most basic level, it gives you a document of the process from Point A to Point B. It also allows you to sort your thoughts, clear your head, and really work through the various aspects of your change. It keeps you grounded.

I know a lot of people don't think they have a talent for writing. If you've read this blog for a while, you know I believe everyone who has the ability to write can develop their writing voice. I believe writing, keeping a journal, reflecting on your life and thoughts, all of this is a skill anyone can cultivate.

I also believe it is a skill everyone SHOULD cultivate. You have this brain that is recording stuff and sensing stuff and allowing you to feel stuff all the time.  You should keep a record of that. You should think about how to feel and write it down. You would honestly be amazed at how evocative it is to read your own thoughts, especially if you allow yourself to write the things you would never say out loud to anyone . .  . or to yourself.

The Stroll in the Dark

I've been doing a lot of indoor exercise, usually somewhere between 25-40 minutes a day once I add it all together.  I did this because I knew I wasn't doing enough upper body stuff.  This newly discovered love for creating strong legs had pushed me in the direction of neglecting the rest of what was going on. I was already doing some stuff on my exercise ball, but I added some time with a resistance band to work out my arms.

Because I've been getting my physical activity inside, I haven't been walking as much.  I knew I needed to get back to it though, because walking is fundamental and wonderful for relaxing my body.  An evening walk seemed like my best option. I would be finished with my other activities for the day and could use it to help ease me into the night. After making the decision and feeling happy about it, I pulled on my shoes and took my first stroll in the dark.

To be fair, it wasn't completely dark yet. I could still see well enough and none of the street lights were on. Nevertheless, it was kind of thrilling. It's been a long time since I was outside and on my feet as the sun was past setting. I loved that part of it.

What I loved even more was how easy it was. My body has started to change just enough to where walking isn't as draining as it used to be. I actually felt more benefit out of it than damage, which as nice considering I haven't really been that active with it. In a way, I almost felt like a kid, because it's probably been that long since I was out walking the driveway and not being in desperate pain in the process.

When you're regaining your physical strength, it's always a good idea to vary your routine. It keeps your body from growing too used to just one type of exercise and it insures that you work more than just the same set of muscles over and over again. For me, I've found the best aspect of this is how much going back to an old activity can show you all the progress you're making. Walking is easier than it was four weeks ago. You have no idea how happy that makes me.

An Unexpected Recap

I fully well intended to post last night. In fact, I thought I HAD posted last night, but it didn't show up and I didn't see it listed. Then again, my internet/Chrome/Blogger/all of the above has been wonky of late, so I'm not really all that surprised it didn't happen.  It's not even listed as a draft anywhere, so I guess the autosave wasn't working at all. Hmm.

Oh well, you weren't missing much. Just more of me being annoyed by people having a difficult time separating reality from propaganda. You know, the usual.  As much as I was looking forward to this election being over, it seems that people want to keep beating the drama of it, like it's some kind of zombie. Ugh. Just let it go. You failed to inspire people to vote for your dude. He failed to inspire them. End of story.

Given that I am not beyond annoyed by the whole thing, I am not going to post anything about politics again until past the beginning of the year. It's holiday season now. My posts will be about my sardonic observations over that mess, fat girl work outs, and that other stuff I talk about. Actually, I didn't even want to talk about politics as much as I did. It's just that communication theory always fascinates me and politics is always ripe with examples.

My roommate and I are having sinus issues from hell. I spent the whole day wondering if I was getting addicted to the vapor inhaler and hoping the tissue is soft enough to keep from rubbing my nose raw. It's far warmer than I would like it to be this time of year and I'm starting to get resentful about that. I saw some guy mowing his lawn the other day. Mowing. IN NOVEMBER. That should totally not be happening. Stupid climate change.

Anyway, so short post tonight. I'm not really sticking to that grateful and inspiring stuff . . . but it's difficult to do that with snot and angry villagers involved. Maybe those will clear up in the coming weeks.

The Problem with Sore Losers

As soon as the election results started going in favor of Obama, people who dislike him began to react. Some of them responded like mature adults. The rest of them behaved like a collection of spoiled children and crazy people. Donald Trump tweeted craziness. Known pundits cried. People on Facebook bemoaned the Death of America. At a college in Mississippi, they had a protest of about 400 people who shouted racist things and chanted political slogans.

When you lose a political campaign, the proper response is to behave like a mature adult. Any other response, no matter how much you want to do it, is only hurting your cause. The thing is, in politics, or in any other realm where you are trying to influence others, every action to take is going to be assessed. You will not only be considered on how you win, but also how you handle losing.

As I have written before, the vital key to any political philosophy is the ability to communicate your ideas to others. You are always communicating something. However, if you react in emotional ways, this most often will not be your intended communication.

Our society values people who lose with dignity. We value people who fail in their objective, but gain insight from their loss. In many ways, this is the definition of the 'try hard' spirit of Americans. When we lose, this is when we show our truest colors and strength. If, in these moments, we are able to respond with poise and consideration for the situation, we will communicate that we are confident, strong, and wise.

If we blame others, if we insult our opponent, if we demand things be changed so that the odds are in our favor, or if we throw cry fits in public, we communicate that we are spoiled children who are too irrational to really be making decisions for others. We're not showing passion. We're not displaying righteousness . . . we just look like brats.

This kind of behavior isn't just detrimental on a communication level. It is also detrimental to our own ability to properly assess our mistakes. Failure is still a step towards our goals IF we analyze the failure for where we could change things next time. This requires a lot of honesty on our part and a lot of willingness to change. It creates a situation where we have to decide what is most important to us.

However, when we CAN admit to our mistakes and take responsibility for our failures, it shifts the power back into our hands. For example, if the mentality is 'Obama won because colleges educate people to be liberals,' then the Republicans become victims who can do nothing to alter the situation. Instead, they should turn the process around and look at it from another angle. 'The college educated people are liberals. How can we communicate our ideas to them in a way that will inspire them to vote for us? What can we change about our platform that will bring more people in?'

In the first line of though, 'the system is stacked against us,' there is very little the party can do besides be bitter angry victims. In the second line of thought, creative thinking can happen that will open up new ideas and bring in new voters. They can't change the fact that many people are liberals or independents. What they can change is how the communicate their ideas and find ways to appeal to these groups.

Admittedly, it's never easy to deal with rejection. When someone (or a lot of someones) take a stand that is against your ideas and wants, it is very, very difficult NOT to respond in an emotional way. However, rejection, even defeat, should not alter our quest for our goals. We have to move forward, no matter what. We cannot allow setbacks to give way to more setbacks, which is quite often the case when we react emotionally to our defeats. When things don't go our way, even in something as large as an election, we should handle the loss with grace, analyze where things went wrong, and alter our course to try again.

Purging

My BFF is pregnant and in the process of rearranging her house in order to make room for the new baby. Part of this process has included her purging the house of things she isn't using anymore. You know, the stuff that sits around and takes up space and clutters your life, but serves no real purpose anymore. In some cases, the stuff she has gotten rid of has been hard on her for emotional reasons. Those VHS tapes of stuff from the 90s hold a lot of memories for us. However, times change, space becomes scarce, and we realize that memories are in our heads, not in the objects.

As she was telling me about her house purging, I found myself getting a bit of an emotional rush off of it. I was grinning from ear to ear and encouraging her. I love purging the house. I love getting rid of crap and organizing the left over crap. I like seeing the house shed clutter to reach a finer and leaner potential. It's really, really awesome.

When I was younger, I used to hold onto things forever. I had like this death grip on them. I've been told this is quite common in people from troubled backgrounds. Our things become part of our identity, and, even more so, a part of our security. So when I would move, I would pack up the boxes of crap that I thought defined me . . . the candle holders, the toys, the various bits of decor that I felt I needed in my life no matter what.

There are still some things I don't want to be rid of. I know I keep these things for emotional reasons, not for practical ones. However, for most of the stuff lounging around in the house, I want it to serve a purpose beyond just being a place for cat hair and dust to gather.

My roommate and I tend to do a Spring Purge. We go through the house and eliminate the things that are no longer needed. As we do this, we reorganize the stuff we plan to keep. We repurpose space and we make our lives more comfortable.

As good as it feels to do this to the house, I know it is just as good to do this to myself. I want to shed the things that serve no purpose, both physical and emotional. I want to transform my body and mind into places of order, stability, and productivity. I want to look at my life, all aspects of my life, and see it as clean, healthy, and strong.

Given that, I think one of my goals is to find a way to make this happy emotional high I have at the thought of house purging and make it something I feel when I burn calories or remove emotional dead weight from my mind. I want to feel that kind of satisfaction, that sense of structure and order. Oh yes, I want that very much.

Election Night Eve

Tomorrow the election will be over. Well, hopefully tomorrow the election will be over. We could always end up in some mess like we did during the Bush/Gore election where things go on and on for weeks. That sucked. Let's not let that happen again. This really does need to be over.

I think right now, it's too close to call as far as who will win. Honestly, it could go either way. There have been elections where it was very clear one side or the other won, but I'm just not feeling that with this election. In many ways, I'm not sure either of the candidates really want to win. Seriously, who would? This country is a mess and fixing it will be a total headache.  You don't really get paid that much being president.

However, I think some things are fairly clear. For instance, if Romney wins, it's because the Obama camp really didn't put up a big fight. Compared to Obama's first campaign, this one has been lackluster and quiet. The inspirational speeches seem to be missing, the fervor is gone. Everyone seems to be tired and despondent, and, quite frankly, coasting. If Obama loses, it's going to be because he never really inspired people the way he did four years ago.

On the other hand, if Romney loses, I think it is going to be completely and totally because his supporters annoyed so many independent voters that they all decided to vote for Obama out of spite. Where the president's campaign feels lukewarm, Romney's campaign seems to be some kind of crazyfire. These people have been swarming Facebook with pro-life crap and 'free the middle class' crap and protect the religious crap. Like, constantly, every day, they have been bothering others with their political blablah.

As I have written before, this was a mistake. Constantly annoying people with your political beliefs is not only bad manners, but it's bad politics. People become resentful. They start seeking revenge. The best way to get said revenge is just to make sure you are disappointed on election day. It's not that they even care about the other candidate. They just want you to be unhappy.

So yeah, I think that is what it will come down to on our election day. . . . did Obama's lack of giving a shit ruin his campaign more than Romney's crazytown supporters ruined his? One way or the other, half the country is going to be pissed off tomorrow night and the other half will be smug.

And two months after the new president takes office, this will switch up because said president won't really do anything and stuff will continue to suck around here. At least we won't have to deal with elections for a while.

Blissful Sleep

Today was wonderful. And by that, I mean it was a normal day where the usual stuff happened, but because I got to sleep better, it felt wonderful. In fact, we had to worm four cats today and I got scratched and there was protesting, but I did not care, because I was well rested.

It truly is amazing how much of a difference there can be when you've gotten enough sleep.  I felt positive and happy and calm.  My exercise didn't feel rushed. No one got on my nerves. Even the Facebook crazies didn't bother me. I just hide whatever crap they put up and went on with my life. I think one of my goals in life should be finding a way to feel like this all the time. "Sure, there are things that annoy me, but it's okay, because I'm well-rested and happy."

We have a lot of stuff planned for tomorrow. It's the usual 'first of the month' stuff, but I will be glad when it's over. Past that, things should be smooth until Thanksgiving, and hopefully even past that.  I'm kind of shocked it's November already. That seems to have happened way too quickly. Though I guess it's just part of that thing where time passes faster (or feels like it does) as you age. And I certainly am aging.

I will be 39 this year. Wow. I actually have nothing more to say about that. Just . . . wow.

You know what? I don't even feel bad about that because I'm well rested. I could be turning Hellaoldforevers this year and it wouldn't matter because I slept so great last night. Hah!

Getting my Hour Back

Yay! The clocks are finally being set back and I get my extra hour! I get my sleeping in an hour later!  I get my going to bed an hour later. This is, truly, the best time of year! I love autumn. I love winter! I love the darkness! Yay!!

Anyway, short post tonight. I'm going to go bask in the fact that it's still rather early  . . . even though it's not. Yay!!

Sims Serendipity

Monty and his beloved daughter Mimsy

When the first version of The Sims came out, I didn't pay that much attention to it.  I had other games to play and other things to do with my computer. I didn't see the point in involving myself in it. After all, the game play was limited. There wasn't a lot that could be accomplished. It didn't really inspire me that much.

However, when The Sims 2 was released, Something Awful did a review of it that completely changed my mind about the game, and, in a lot of ways, ended up changing how I structure my playtime. In typical Something Awful fashion, they made the character as ugly as possible and gave him a life of debauchery and neglect.  The article was funny as hell, but more importantly, it displayed several things that had such unlimited potential for me.

1. You could build houses. Had I been less fearful of math, I would have gone into architecture. I love house structure and keep tons of house plan books around so I can look at them and fantasize about having said house. It's kind of like porn for me. Anyway, with TS2, I could build any kind of house I wanted. I wasn't very good at this, not at first, but after a while, I could build my Victorian dream houses with the best of them. I could also build really junky trailers.
   
2. It is a great storytelling tool. As I have said before, I should get paid to play with dolls. That would be the best job in the world. The next best thing to that is being able to let my creativity flow with Sims. I have put my sims through every level of strangeness you can imagine. Murder, revenge, jealousy, crazy mad scientist ambitions, and complete tragedy. Or, you know, sometimes I just let them garden.
    
3. Even despite my best efforts to play god, the game can always throw random crap at me. You'd think I would hate this, but I don't. I love that no matter how hard I try to control things and give him a good life, my sim might get struck by lightening or fall in love with the wrong person. I love that I might answer a chance card wrong and they get fired from the job they always wanted. It means I constantly have to work around things and handle challenges I didn't consider.
   
4. Sims can have children with their genetic traits. This means, assuming the game isn't glitching and my computer isn't screwing up, that I can watch many, many generations of the same family. I can see how the family grows and changes through the years. I can watch as traits from Generation 4 show up in Generation 9.  It's neat to see a nose show up again or a unique eye color stay generation after generation. In fact, creating families is probably my favorite thing about Sims.

I've been playing Sims for years now. During my darkest days of depression, it kept my mind occupied. During deaths of people in real life, it gave me a place to escape and feel like I had some marginal level of control. It gives me something to ask for during the holidays and it gives me something to look forward to. In short, it makes me happy and keeps my brain stimulated. And all of this is due to reading one very funny, very sarcastic article years and years ago.

November Synergy

I think one of the greatest mysteries in life is synergy. The fact that there are people, places, concepts, and even things to which we are instantly and unexplained connected is, to me, perhaps the greatest thing about being alive. These connections, actually, probably give us our moments of being most truly alive. They take us to our times of awe, of pure joy, and of epiphany. They change us and how we look at the world. They never stop changing us, really.

One of the people with whom I feel a deep connection is Frida Kahlo.  I have a minor in Humanities, so I took a lot of art classes in college. There were artists I found fascinating and ones who produced work that I loved dearly. I have a huge place in my heart for Vincent van Gogh and his life of suffering. I adore Vermeer and his work with lighting and color.

But when I first saw the work of Frida Kahlo, my whole body, my whole being knew that this one was mine. This was the artist I was going to love the most. This was the artist who was going to inspire me, going to give me hours of contemplation on her work. This was the artist I would spend days thinking about, the one who's life would be studied by me on an almost obsessive basis.

I love Frida's bravery. I love how she did not apologize for her looks or her beliefs. I love how she handled her cancer, painting her feelings about it, imagining how the disease looked inside her. I think if I ever get cancer, Frida will be one of my ways of coping. In fact, I know she will.

During November, a lot of people talk about things for which they are grateful.  I think I'm going to do that as well, but in a slightly more narrow way. I want to talk about the influences in my life, the epiphanies, the connections. It probably won't be every day, but many of them. I want to discuss the people, places, and concepts that helped to shape me.  After all, that is what I am most grateful for.