The Squirtful Joys of 2012

Ahh, I was SO random this year. My tastes were everywhere and, while into stuff, I would be deeply into it. It was also as strange year in terms of HOW I found favorites. I spent a lot of time watching series in large doses, just letting my mind be consumed by them for a while. I'm not sure if this means I'm losing my attention span or just reshaping it. Possibly both.

Anyway . . .

Favorite Discovery of 2012.

Just for the hell of it one nice, I looked up my favorite author on Wikipedia and realized that she hadn't stopped writing. In fact, she had several books past the ones I read. Within hours, I was happily plotting my life with several more books by P.C Hodgell and soon had them. They were even better than I thought they would be and gave me hours and hours of joy.

Favorite Website

I would love to give this to Glitch, but alas, Glitch was taken from me. Due to that fact, I'll have to go with Crunchyroll. Crunchyroll is this blissful place that hosts a ton of anime movies and series. It's so addicting that I have to limit myself to how often I can go there, otherwise I shall become overwhelmed and lost in all my options. However, I'm quite happy I have found it, as it allowed me to watch two of the three best series I saw this year.

Speaking of which . . . favorite shows of 2012.

Without a doubt, the best series I saw all year was Puella Magi Madoka Magica. If you read the blog, you already know this. I wrote about the series for like days. I still go back and watch episode 10 from time to time and cry. I am amazed by what they were able to accomplish with this show. I not only loved watching it, but I loved analyzing it in the blog.

Crunchyroll also gave me a chance to watch the anime series called Another.  This series was such a head trip. It played games with my emotions in such wicked ways. I allowed myself to get lulled into the story line and made a bunch of assumptions about things that turned out to be misguided. It was a total mindfuck and I loved it for that.

Again though, my favorite series of the year was Game of Thrones. I don't think the season was quite as good as the first, but it did manage to deliver the best episode I watched all year. If you've not seen the episode "Blackwater," you need to. It was amazingly well done and hit every point it needed to. Drunken Cersie was a blast.

I think the best part of my life this year was my friends. I laughed so hard with them, continued my ongoing conversations with them, created with them, and ached with them. My friends listened to me babble about all the stuff that makes me happy, and I got to share in their stuff as well. That makes me deeply happy.

Family in Mourning

Things continue to be sad in my little home. Alice was such a force of nature. Every time I do anything, I'm reminded of her and it hurts all over again. I know it's even worse for my roommate. It's really hard for us to focus on anything else right now. I'm not sure we even know how at the moment.

After losing my mom and then my grandmother, Alice was the first new love in my life. I'm not saying she replaced them, but she was certainly a comfort. She added brightness and joy to my life and she was part of the home and family I've made for myself. Losing her feels out of order. It was like losing a child.

You know, one of the reasons I get very offended by groups who claim to be 'pro-family' is that they usually aren't. They don't care about family in terms of the love and bonds between people. They're just interested in people conforming and living in the simple, bland little roles they find to be comfortable.

My family . . . which consists of me (crabby and sardonic old spinster), a gay man, and some cats, offends them. They would deem it as not real or not acceptable. Yeah, fuck them. I'm very happy with what I have. I feel quite loved and love very deeply in return.  This is my home and my comfort. I'm very grateful to have it. I'm also very BLESSED to have it.

Painful Nights

Last night I dreamed my roommate shot me in the head. It didn't hurt. I just saw a bunch of flashing lights, thought 'oh, so this is the end of things,' and floated out of my body. I lingered around as a ghost for a while and found it to be rather peaceful. One of my cats kept trying to sit on my lap, but she would always sink through, you know, because of the ghost thing. I'm sure I'll have weird, morbid dreams for a while. After a month like this, how could I not?

December always takes from me, but this year it was even more painful. It took sweet things from me, beautiful things, potentially wonderful things. It robbed me of things I loved. It has left me and those closest to me in emotional shambles. I'm hurt and a bit broken and more than a bit scared. I'm not sure how much more I could handle and I really, really do not want to know.

I guess mostly right now, I just want to find something solid to hold onto as we all ride this wave of grief. Nothing is stable right now. No decisions are completely sound. There is too much hurt and too much raw fear. We don't know how to be ourselves right now, because part of how we defined ourselves is gone. We have to re-evaluate, but doing so seems like a betrayal of what has been taken.

So yeah, I guess that's what I'm looking for right now. Something solid. Something stable. Something I can depend on to be there as I fall apart and put myself back together. I probably won't find it because I'm not sure I ever have. Or maybe it's the blog.

It's probably the blog.

The Roughest of Days

Alice, during healthier times.

Today was not a good day for my home. Today we had to take Alice to the vet and have her put to sleep. She'd been feeling ill for a couple of days and acting confused. She's never been a truly healthy kitty. She was born with some issues and that just got worse as she grew older. Her first family abandoned her and she lived on the streets for several years until we adopted her.

It turns out that her kidneys were failing. The vet said there was nothing  he could really do to help her, short of just making sure her end wasn't painful. I couldn't bring myself to be inside his office when it happened. I held her during the drive over to his office. My roommate took her inside and stayed with her until the end. He said she was very peaceful and I'm thankful for that. I wanted her to have peace and comfort.

Putting a pet down is always horrible. No matter how much I know it's the right thing to do, I always feel like I've done something wrong. I know that, as a pet owner, part of my responsibilities include knowing when this needs to happen. That doesn't make it any easier. In fact, the only thing that does is knowing that she was in a lot of pain, but now she isn't.  Her time of suffering is over. I just wish that suffering had never happened in the first place.

Alice was an amazing cat. She was tiny and fierce, with a big personality and lots of opinions. She loved my roommate dearly and wanted to be in whatever room he was in. He was her special person and I'm so glad they had each other. I'm going to miss having her around. I'm going to miss her strange little walk and the way she would argue with people. I'm going to miss how happy she looked as she lounged in the sun and the intense way she would eat.

Alice was part of my family, part of my home, and part of my life. She enriched the life I had and added a lot of spice to it. She was beautiful and darling and so, so loved. Now she will be mourned and celebrated.

The Year of Gangnam Style

The internet, and the speed of people's talents, has created this kind of almost instantaneous ability to create social commentary. This commentary has the potential to be seen by millions of people within seconds of being uploaded. It's something we've never had before.

Now, of course, 2012 isn't the first year we've had this ability, but it was the first year of an election in a moment when the skill and technology to create this kind of culture was not only available but fully active. In the last election, we had political memes going around and people on SNL doing their impressions, but even that was no where near what it became with this election.

I think the best example of this is a music parody done by College Humor.  The parody takes the insanely popular song "Gangnam Style" lampoons Mitt Romney and his want to be president.  In less than three minutes, the song covers much of the negative side of the persona of Mitt Romney. "You should elect me because I got so much money." It addresses his arrogance, how out of touch he is with the reality of most Americans, homophobia, his bad choice for a vice-president, and how he is really only interested in the upper class.

Now, I don't think this parody caused anyone to NOT vote for Mitt Romney. What it does is illustrate the reasons why people were already NOT voting for him. When they watched this, they thought it was funny, but also realized that, though over the top, it really showed everything about him that made them uncomfortable with the thought of him being president.  The take away at the end where 'Mitt' is dancing with 'Paul' probably sent chills up people's spins.

"Gangnam Style' is a song that mocks the changing culture in Korea.  It's social commentary, but it does it in a very humorous way. Even though the song isn't in English, as we as Americans watched it, we found we understood the kind of ridiculousness being portrayed. The mockery in the video is quite clear, and people were able to use that as a vehicle to make their own political statements.

And no, this isn't the first time this has been done. People have been using humor to make political statements as long as we have had politics and humor. However, what is changing in our culture is the speed in which we can do these things. "Gangnam Style" went viral and within days of going viral, people were doing parodies. "Mitt Romney Style" was current not only in terms of the political figure it mocked, but also the source material for the parody. It was fresh in people's minds, and in many people's minds because the parody went viral as well. People laughed, considered the message, and, very soon after that, voted.

If anything, 2012 should tell politicians that the voting populous values wit. They listen to wit. They communicate with wit. Politicians should be aware of what they say in terms of how it can captivate and inspire. They should consider what they say in terms of how it will be taken seriously, and how it can be mocked. They can't control all of this, of course, but they can begin to find ways to use it to their advantage. It's going to be necessary to learn to do this as we move forward in this culture.

Winter Snow Reflections

When we woke up this morning, it wasn't snowing. Within a few hours, the snow was falling in thick, wet flakes. It was lovely to watch and even more lovely to watch knowing that I didn't have to go out in it. We stayed inside all day.  Several friends and family members called to wish us well. We ate a nice holiday meal and didn't give the cats any, though they did get their own treats later.

December is almost over, which means that 2012 is almost over. In some ways, it has been a wonderful year. I learned a lot about myself and my own strengths. I'm very happy for that lesson. I'm less happy about the other lesson of the year. This year, I learned in a much deeper level to remember how easily something fragile can be lost. It hurts to know this, though I suppose it is a fitting companion to learning more about my own strength.

I plan to take the lessons of this year into the remaining years I have. I want to continue to strengthen myself and those around me. I want to encourage strength, walk away from powerlessness, and grow. At the same time, I want to value the fragile and delicate. I want to acknowledge their importance.  I want to be a part of their existence for however long that is, even if it is just a few heartbreaking moments.

Anyway, back to the more physical side of the Christmas post.  Best moment of the holidays include decorating the tree with my bff, wrapping gifts with my roommate, listening to my nephew sing, talking to my aunt, and having Christmas lunch here in my home with my two and four legged family. I got my practical gift of skillets and kitchen stuff, my fun gifts (Sims stuff), and a couple of unexpected and wonderful addictions (Skullcandy earbuds and a really cool bag). Over all, it was a good Christmas.

Birthday and Eve

Overall, I had a good birthday. My roommate and I braved Walmart this morning. It was chaotic outside, but he said people were uncharacteristically nice inside the store. I got dizzy trying to find a parking place, but eventually got past it. I was still on the verge of panic attacks, but managed to keep them in check. I got some phone calls from people who wished me Happy Birthday and ate cupcakes with my roommate in celebration.

My sister-in-law and the kids picked me up at almost six and we drove to my grandfather's house. Traditional Christmas Eve dinner of deer and fried potatoes was a small affair this year. I don't think my grandfather and his wife are doing that well. Actually, I'm not sure anyone on my dad's side of the family is all that healthy, cept for maybe my dad and his wife.

Anyway, the gifting side of the holiday is over for me. I'm rather pleased with everything I got. I was also pleased with my level of participation, even despite being weakened by vicious illness and anxiety. I'm happy about that. Like I wrote on the post-Thanksgiving Day post, I want to have more participation in these holidays. I think it's important to do so.

I wanted to post more, but it's just not going to happen. The party and everything else has left me fairly drained. Holidays have been fun, but I think I'm ready for life to get back to normal. Having said that, I'm coming into the end of this year feeling very blessed and happy for what I have and who I am. It's a good place to be.

Eve Eve

My family and I did holiday stuff tonight. Despite the fact that I'm still not feeling 100%, I managed to get through the evening without too much trouble. I had to talk myself down from a panic attack twice, but I managed to do it. I find that I'm far more prone towards panic attacks when I'm sick. Probably because I know I don't really have the strength to handle much.

I also felt bad about leaving my roomie at home. He's sick right now and I hated to leave him by himself. If he's not feeling better tomorrow, I doubt I'll go to the other family event. He doesn't think he has the same sick that I did, but if it's anywhere near as bad, I want to hang around so he doesn't have to be alone during all that mess.

Everyone seemed to like the gifts I got them.  My sister-in-law was very pleased with the gifts I got the kids and even loved what I got my niece because she had one when she was a kid. I liked my gifts a lot as well. My step-mother is wonderful about getting whatever is on your list and then adding neat little touches to it. This year that included a fold up bag that is quite roomy once unfolded. I love it a lot. I think I'm going to use it to replace my yarn bag because it's about to die.

By far, the best gift is the Skullcandy earbuds my brother got me. OH HOLY HELL they are wonderful! It just puts a whole new spin on the music. Love them SO much.

Tomorrow I shall be 39 and I plan on doing a post about that . . . you know, assuming I am alive and not sick and nothing is ruining my ability to write said post. Here's hoping.

Crazy Sick Dreams

First of all, I'm doing better. I washed my sick clothes today and that's always a good sign. I ate what were actual meals and even had some brownie. So yeah, much better.  As much as I hate being sick, one of the things that always amuses me is the strange dreams I have during the process.

For instance, at one point during my illness, I dreamed that a zombie with a lion's head came to see me. It told me that during my illness, a lion mask would be attached to my face. It wouldn't allow me to breath anymore and, eventually, it would kill me. Then it told me that was totally fine because once I was dead, I would come back as a zombie lion-headed creature and we would conquer the planet.

At another point, I dreamed I was a spy. My mission was to infiltrate a food court at a local mall by a lake. I have no idea why that was my mission, but it was. I got a job there but somehow the manager of the place thought I wasn't who I said I was, so he decided to walk me home. On the way, I impressed him with my ability to seem like someone who would work at a food court in a mall by the lake, even talking about how nifty it was that real estate prices around the lake weren't that high. I remarked that my small condo next to the water only cost $150.00 a month and he thought that was great.

The strangest dream involved me being a mean girl. One of my mean girl friends was going to be honored at a banquet. In the first part of the dream, I was sitting with her and various other mean girls as we discussed how wonderful it was that she was being honored. She was being one smug bitch about it too. In the next part of the dream, one of the other mean girls and I switched the DVD that was supposed to be footage of all of her accomplishments to showing how she was cheating on her boyfriend. It ended up being devastating. I knew I should feel guilty . . . but she was just being SO smug.

Sick dreams are always very vivid for me. They stick with me for a long time, almost like I was in other places.  In fact, when I was a kid, I used to think I got sick because I HAD to be in these other places during that time.

Though, I really can not think of a reason why I would have to be a zombie with a lion's head.

Sick, again

My roommate says that getting sick around the holidays is "kind of my thing." Oh, how I wish he was wrong. I'm sick. I'm not as sick today as I was yesterday, but I'm still pretty ill. I did like three lines on the loom and mostly just felt pitiful and horrible all day. It sucked.

I'm really hoping I feel better by Sunday because I'm supposed to do gift exchange with the family. If I don't . . . oh well. There is no way I'm leaving this house until I have the squicks under control. And as of yet, that isn't happening.

I'll keep you posted.

Loom and Gloom

The loom project I started with old yarn is being turned into a dog blanket for my cousin. It's not going to beautiful, but it will be comfortable and warm. It will be very, very warm. It's also going to be heavy and I'm going to have great arms if I keep working with the loom. There really isn't an 'if' about it. Sometimes during the day, I'll get this happy feeling about the wonderful thing I get to do. For a moment, I'll wonder what that is and then I'll remember it's working with the loom. I love that damned loom now.

The weather is being strange. It stormed earlier and might actually snow tomorrow. I doubt it will and really don't want it to. As much as I love the idea of a white holiday season, I dislike the idea of dealing with snow, ice, and falling on my butt. Remember the post from two winters ago when I was riding with my roommate on the ice? Yeah, the fear is still in me.

We're getting really close to the end of the Mayan calendar. I really don't think the world will end, but if it does, I'm totally fine about it. Why not be totally fine about it? There's nothing I can do to stop it.

However, if the world does end, there will be some things I'll miss. I'll miss the feeling of a cat's nose against my skin. I'll miss how it feels to crawl into bed for the night. I'll miss the beautiful on-going conversations I have with people. I'll miss music. I'll miss creating things.

Then again, who says the next version of reality won't have those things? It may even have better things!  Look at me, ending a gloomy post on a high note!

Unexpected Strengths

As a belated birthday present to him and an early birthday present to me, the roomie and I went to see The Hobbit today. Due to money and health issues, this is the first movie I've seen in over a year. It was very much worth it though.  It was a little bittersweet. There were some thing happening today that are very sad. Things I needed to be distracted from. It was also the first movie with hobbits in it that I'd not seen with my mother. She'd read Tolkien's work to me when I was little.

You know, one of the on-going themes of his work is the idea that great acts and world-altering events do not just happen because of powerful people and those of noble birth. Sometimes it is the most common, most humble of people who is the one who can change the course of events. The witchking is killed in part because of a hobbit. Little gardener Samwise basically carries Frodo to Mt. Doom. And, in the beginning of it all, there is Bilbo.

Bilbo starts out as a persnickety little fuss. He whines. He complains. He cowers. He stammers. He seems completely unlikely to be able to even survive the journey. Half the time, you don't even care if he does or not, due to all of his whining and complaining. Practically everyone questions Gandalf's sanity for even bringing him along.

Bilbo possesses a great foundation though. All of his griping is due to his want to be back home. He loves his home and considers it to be the best place in the world. For a long while, you're thinking this adoration of his home is hindering him from really being a part of the adventure. Yet, it turns out to be the one thing that fundamentally makes him understand why he SHOULD be on the adventure. He HAS a home. It's a good home. One he loves. The dwarfs don't have a home. It was taken from them.

Bilbo doesn't really want gold or glory. He doesn't want to prove how strong he is or how clever. Using these as reasons for him to continue the journey would never work. He would always continue to resist. However, once he realized he was fighting for someone else to be able to have a home, he was totally with them. He found the motivation he needed to continue his adventure. It sustained him as he did some very brave things.

This is a very good example of the idea that change has to be motivated by an internal concept. Bilbo's love for his home was not just something he would fight for when it was just him. He would fight for this for everyone. He didn't just decide to be brave and he was.  He shifted in his mind his reasons for being brave and fixed the idea of it around something he believed to be fundamentally important.

A Look at Goals

Now that I'm really into the wooden loom, I'm finding it to be quite comforting. I like the rocking motion of it, the sound made when the yarn hits the nails, and of course, the beautiful rows of knit that are produced. I love those most of all. When I wake up in the morning and do my work out, I enjoy the way it helps to liven up my body. I like the fact that it helps to take away the stiffness in my body, starts me breathing better, and gives me more energy.

I use these two things as examples because I want to talk about goals. Recently, The Simple Dollar posted this article about goal-setting. Goals should make us happy, not make us miserable. They should energize us, not drain us. Goals should add to our lives in a positive way, not impact it in a negative one. If the goal isn't making you better, then it isn't going to work for you, and it isn't worth pursuing.

Trent Hamm (the man behind The Simple Dollar) made a very good point about how goals should spring from internal motivations, not external ones. What motivates change in your life should be something that you care about. It should be something that is personally important to you. If it's not, you probably won't truly work towards the goal, or, if you do, you won't enjoy it and won't feel accomplished when you reach it.

Now, some people might argue that 'feeling good about it,' isn't really all that important. After all, if you accomplish the goal, shouldn't that be enough? Well, the thing is, it's not. We only have so many spoons in life. We only have so much time. So why waste your time trying to achieve something that won't make you happy? Why waste your time working on something that makes you miserable in the process?

For example, my best friend recently took a hiatus from her diet plan and has decided to return to it. Among other things, the hiatus afforded her some time to think about the diet and how it was working for her.  She realized there were many places where she could make changes. She decided she wouldn't eat food she didn't like. She didn't care how well it worked in the plan or how much of it she could have. Any food item that she found herself dreading was not worth expending calories on. She only had so many to work with each day, so she was going to use them on things she liked.

So if you find yourself in a place where you have no goals or, if you do have goals, you find that they make you very unhappy, then it's time to make some changes. The first step to this should be a long bit of self-analysis. Now keep in mind, this isn't the goal-setting process yet. This is just a way to try and understand what your goals really are.

1. What do you want?
   You know, this seems very simple, but on a fundamental level, I don't think a lot of us know this. What do we want out of life? And do not write down things you THINK you should want or things that society TELLS you that you want. Write down things you truly, honestly want. Any honest answer is valid. 
2. Begin to brainstorm.
   Allow yourself to write down things you feel are related to what you want.  Doing clusters really helps with this.
3. What can you do to get what you want?
   This is usually the hardest part of the analysis. Quite often, we tie our wants and desires to other people. It is THEIR actions that we want to change, not ours. The thing is, we can't change other people. We can only change ourselves. So what can YOU do to get what you want? What can YOU change? What could YOU alter? 

This analysis can be frustrating because you may reach a lot of dead ends.  You may find that you just can't do anything to get what you want. Don't let that get you down though, because if you find you're not seeing ways where YOU can change the situation, then you just need to dig deeper into it. Look at what you want and ask yourself what that truly means, what are you really trying to achieve.

I can't stress enough how vital it is that you find goals that YOU can achieve. When you base your happiness and sense of well-being around the actions of others, you are more than likely going to spend most of your time being angry and frustrated. Concentrate on you and how you handle the situation.  You'll feel more powerful and happier. 

A Long December

I know I've already written about how Decembers are always hard, but it seems this one just keeps getting worse and worse. I'm sitting here at one in the morning, thinking about all the families in Connecticut who had such a different reality 24 hours ago than what they have now. It's almost too much to think about. It seems hollow to say my heart goes out to them, but it does. It's a hard December and I wish it didn't have to be. But here we are.

On a personal level, 48 hours ago, my reality was very different as well. There was a certain bright, beautiful thing in my life that was going to happen. It wasn't happening directly to me, but to someone so very close to me that everything that happens to her is something I share in. Her joys are my joys. Her hurts are most certainly my hurts. Her reality shifted and will continue to shift in very painful ways over the next several days. I wish it didn't have to, but my wishes mean nothing in the matter.

So here we are, half way through this long December, with so many days left to hurt us, to shift us out of what we see as our lives, to break us apart and leave us searching for answers. I have to admit that right now, the prospect of another 16 days of this is scary. I know I can't dwell on that though. What the world needs most, what I need most, is more light, more warmth, and more love.

I'm going to try and let a lot of stuff go. I'm going to try and not stress over the little details, not hold on to my petty angers. I'm going to love activity. I'm going to remind people I care about them. I'm going to smile at them and laugh with them and tell them how grateful I am to have them in my life. I'm going to smile at Christmas lights and listen to holiday music. I'm going to be thankful for what I have and who I am. I'm going to be thankful for all of you as well.

Your Name is Tattooed on Every Boy's Skin

The amazing Amanda Palmer suggested this video on her blog. I watched it and cried. I watched it again and cried again. Then later tonight, after I'd been told some heartbreaking news, I cried again.

The video features an aging drag queen. I suppose that could be polarizing for some people, but I don't think it is in this case. The pathos of this video transcends anyone's moral standings. This video is about the love one feels for someone who is older and amazing, but has grown fragile over the years and will soon be out of our reach.

If there is anything universal, it is this concept. When we are kids, we have all these adults in our lives. Some of them are difficult, some are amazing, and some are just baffling to us. Yet all of them appear larger than life. The events they choose to make us a part of feel festivals. When you're a four year old, dancing around the table with your grandmother feels magical. When she blows you a kiss, you feel it hit your cheek.

But as we age and become stronger and bigger, they age too. They grow fragile and small. It seems like the moments when we find ourselves really being that person they inspired us to be, they are fading away.

There is this moment when you're standing there, being an adult, and watching as the person who was larger than life to you is dying. You never feel so powerless, so helpless, or so small. The person who could make the whole world seem okay is now going to be gone from it. You realize you're still a child inside. You still need them. And it's too late.

I have many amazing moments in my life. I've had times when I felt completely in control of things, times when I felt like the whole future was laid out in front of me so perfectly. I've spent hours laughing so hard I lost my voice. I am very grateful for all of this.  I am so grateful for every kiss blown to me, every dance around the table, and every moment when I nestled against the arm of the person reading to me. I hold those moments close to me heart. Forever.

Looming Progress

After a couple of false starts and a review of YouTube videos again, I started working with my wood and nail loom. The first project, which is going to get turned into a cat blanket, has some problem areas. The first couple of rows are wonky because I really didn't have a good grasp on what I was doing. That can be fixed though. Once I'm finished with it, I'll just do some reinforcement on that edge.

I think the key to why this is working for me now lies in the weight loss I've experienced over the last year. The loom requires a certain level of motion in order to function properly. It also has to be continuously held. I think the thing was just to tiring before. Too heavy for me to mess with long enough for me to understand. Now I have the strength to really learn the rhythm of it.

My first day impressions.

Cons:

• It is awkward. There isn't an intuitive way to hold it. You spend quite a long while just bumbling around with the thing until you find a series of ways to make it work for you. My leg went to sleep a couple of times, so I'm guessing I've yet to really discover the right way for me to hold it.
• This isn't mindless knitting.You have a lot of nails you have to wrap and it's easy to miss them. You really have to pay attention to what you're doing, or you'll find yourself redoing the same line a couple of times. With this many nails to wrap, it slows you down.
• Wrapping the nails is a time commitment. Mind you, not a long one. I'm sure I'll get faster with more practice. However, this isn't like knitting needles you can just sit down. Once you start wrapping the nails, you need to be committed to finishing the sequence. If you don't, you're running the risk of everything unraveling on you. 

Pros:

• The knit has a nice feel to it. It's thick without being bulky. It's firm without being stiff. 
• Once you get the knack of the rhythm, it produces fairly fast. 
• My roommate pointed this one out and I think it's a good observation. Looming involves a series of repeated steps, but not the same steps over and over. Your hands don't get tired or cramped from being stuck in the same position for hours on end.
• This one may not be important for all people, but it is for me. One of the reasons I love knitting is because it gives me a nice feeling of being connected to the past. Something made from wood, nails, and screws certainly gives one that feeling. I could be a Shaker with this loom.
• It's more sturdy than the plastic looms. My plastic looms have a problem with pegs pulling out. The wooden loom has nails hammered deep into it. Those nails aren't coming out any time soon.

When I get further into the project, I'll take some pictures to show you my work. It's probably not going to be that pretty because the cat blankets are being made with all the bits and pieces of yarn left over from other projects. I'm killing two birds with one stone here because not only am I getting to do some practice runs on the loom before I start on my serious project, I'm also putting the billions of stray balls of left over yarn to good use. And no, the cat blankets won't win me any awards, but I don't think the cats will care.

The Five Stages of Knitting

I've had a wood and nail knitting loom for several years now. It's a beautiful thing, all folksy and rustic. It's also rather large and a bit intimidating. When it was gifted to me, it came with an instructional video that I, in my deepest and clearly most sound logic, never watched all the way though. Because of that, I became somewhat fearful of using it.

This is somewhat silly as I am quite good at my plastic looms. I can do quite a lot with them and tend to like to use them in terms of just day to day knittery. For some reason though, the big wood monster just never clicked with me. I loved to look at it. I would move it from place to place in the living room, allowing it to have a nice level of display. Look at me. I am a folksy knitter! Eventually, practicality won out over my posing and I moved it into the hallway with the rest of my craft stuff.

I don't like having stuff just lying around though. If I have something in my house, I want it to serve a purpose.  In this case, it's not really the loom's fault it isn't serving a purpose. That's all on me. As to respect the honor of the loom, I've decided I shall learn to work with it, despite it's size and the fact that I almost always make things slip off of those nails.

Then again, I've noticed that when it comes to knitting, I usually go through this process. It's kind of like the five stages of grief, but with some variations.

BLACKHAIRED BARBIE'S FIVE STAGES OF KNITTING

1. Curiosity. In the first stage, I will have a certain level of admiration about a knitting style/process. It won't be enough for me to really do anything, but I will express an interest in it and adore it. I'll pay close attention to anything having to do with said aspect of knitting and it will make me happy.

2. Obsessive Desire. Curiosity gives way to a burning need to understand the knittery. I will buy things to accomplish it. I will watch instructional videos. I will watch hours of people on YouTube. I will plot out projects in my head, complete with the sounds of cheering whenever my masterful knit project has been accomplished.

3. Failure.  At some point, my obsessive need to do the knitting will result in my physical attempt to make it happen. I should take a moment here to say that I know some very talented knitters, people who can make beautiful things with yarn, people who are true artists at this craft. I'm . . . not one of them. I am, at best, an OKAY knitter. At best. Usually, I'm a 'wow, that hat is wonky but hey it keep my head warm' knitter. So pretty much any time I begin a new knitting skill, I usually screw it up a lot.

4. Frustration and hopelessness. Once I have made a complete mess of my project, I fall into a deep despair about it. I usually put it away for a while. I feel horrible. I wonder why I have such a deep love for something I fairly much suck at. I feel a lot of guilt and pressure every time I walk by the project. I consider giving it up completely.

5. Acceptance of my somewhat adequate skill. After I've wallowed in frustration for a few years months weeks, I remember the desire and happiness I felt about this knitting project, and I return to it. I watch more videos and practice with some ugly yarn, and eventually get to where I can do the project with reasonable levels of competence. I brave through the process, enjoying the work, and find that I am usually somewhat-ish happy with the results.

So I guess with the wooden loom, I've found my way back to Stage Five. I'm ready to try and learn how to make it work. I'm prepared to find a way to balance it on the pile of blankets in front of me and not get frustrated when my carefully wrapped yarn all pulls off because I couldn't remove it from the nailheads in any kind of graceful manner. Over all, I'm feeling marginally optimistic about it. I'll report my progress . . . assuming there is any.

Realities, Harsh and Otherwise

Well, Glitch is over, it's really, truly over. I'm trying to process that reality and actually accept it. Even up until the very last second, I didn't think it would actually happen. Despite the peace my Glitchen found in the story I did for the last three days, I personally, have found no peace. Her world ended, but mine continues on, now without the game that I adored. And yes, I realize I've been harping on this for weeks now. It's just such a huge waste of potential. It baffles me that something so beautiful could be taken away.

Then again, I find that I quite often have trouble with the reality of situations. I went to the doctor today. She has a scale now that even weighs people my size. I got on there, expecting to get the same reading I got last week when I weighed at the hospital. Instead, it read a few pounds lighter than that. I was very shocked by the number because it's less than I have weighed in a long, long time. Not by very much, mind you, but still, less. It's actual, tangible proof that things are going even farther than they ever have before. It speaks that I may actually be winning this war.

And you know what? Part of my mind refuses to believe it!  My brain is making up excuses. Her equipment was faulty.  Her nurse read it wrong. These are the examples of the things my brain is telling me that make the most sense. The rest of it doesn't make any sense at all. It's just all whispers of how it has to be untrue. It can't be real.  There is even a little bit of panic at the idea of it.

This isn't going to stop by me, by any means. It's just a strange little insight into my weird mind.  I think this is a lot of the stumbling blocks that people face when they are making significant changes in their lives. The reality of it just trips them so badly they don't know how to function. They start finding ways to sabotage it, just so it all makes sense to them again.

I'll probably find ways to sabotage this as well. I'll probably have days where I just fall away from everything I am doing because on those days, that will make the most sense to me. I'm going to allow this . . . on very rare occasions. I will allow it because I want to keep reminding myself that just because you turn around and walk away from the mountain for a while, you still have the ability to turn towards it again and continue your journey.

All of my brain may not accept this yet, but walking toward the mountain (the mountain being a healthy weight) is my reality now. It is my puzzle, my project, my continual challenge. I will find a way up that mountain, even if it is slow, slow steps all the way. Even if it takes me the next ten years.

How's that reality for you?

The Last Day of Glitch: Part Three

 (Note: This is the third installment of the End of Glitch story. I will miss this place so much.)

The thing about the world ending is that you really aren't prepared for it. You have  no idea how to react, what to do. You have no one to ask for advice, because no one else has been through it either.

 I found my world in a state of madness. People wandered aimlessly, abandoning their possessions. Streets were littered with discarded items, toys, valuables.

 Some people took to forming cults. Some would pick one Giant or the other to worship, trying their best to perform miracles and acts that defied reality. Others would cry out that the Rooks had won and declare all the Giants impotent.  People were angry, scared, hurting.

 

As for me, like any good Lemmite, I began to travel to the far reaches of Ur, trying to find a way to save my world. I felt this was the best thing I could do. I thought it was what Lem would want me to do. Travel. Learn. Explore. 

I traveled to the Underworld to seek the wisdom of the Frowning Stone Face. He wasn't any help though. He just chided me for being there and told me to go smash grapes with all the other clumsy idiots.

I went to the Scion of Purple. Normally nothing he said made any sense at all, but today, well . . . today his words just filled me with despair. Maybe what he was saying was true, but it wasn't what I wanted to hear. He couldn't help me save the world.

From most creatures, I just got looks of vague annoyance. I guess maybe they didn't want to think about the world ending. After all, they had lived here all of their existence. If the world ended, so would they.

I'd just about given up hope when the happy Cheese Moon rose beside me as I stopped to rest.

"Whatcha doing?" asked the Cheese Moon.

"I'm trying to save the world. It's ending, you know."

"Yeah, I know," the Moon replied. "It's ending. Got a question for you though, if it's ending and you know it is, why are you wasting your time trying to stop it? You only have a few hours left, little Glitchen. Go look at your world one last time and love it."

The Cheese Moon was right.

I abandoned my quest to save the world and decided, instead, to celebrate it. The first thing I did was jump through the cloud rings that dotted part of the sky.

 Then I walked along the beaches of all the beautiful coves.

I went to the tallest tree in Ur and climbed it until I hit the top . . . which just turned out to be the bottom of some other reality.

I traveled to Noddis and stood in the Heart Curve. Magically, as always, it began to glow and fill me full of love and warmth.

Finally, I traveled to Mullangi Meda, my favorite place in all of Ur, and stood beside the shrine of Lem. I thanked him for blessing me with my powers of travel. I thanked him for inspiring me, a once solitary and isolated Glitchen,  to explore the beautiful world around me. I stayed by the shrine and talked with Lem, watching butterflies fly and chickens jump, as we waited out the end of the world.

In the end, at that very last End, there really isn't much of anything. Darkness, some stars, and a small tiny corner of space where you stand for the very last seconds of everything. Those seconds mean everything though. You feel humbled. You feel holy. You feel like you understand everything but hurt because you don't. And in the very, very, absolute teeny tiny last second, you remember you can do one last thing.

 Jump into the light . . . .

The Last Day of Glitch: Part Two

(Note: This is the second part of a three day Farewell to Glitch. I do not own Glitch or its images. I'm only using them to say goodbye to one of the games I have loved the most in my life.)

As much as I loved the serene and dark   lake area, I knew I couldn't stay. Lem had sent me on a quest to find answers. That is what I would do. Besides, just because the Forehorseman said the world was ending, didn't me it would. Things like that don't happen. The world can be saved. The world can always be saved. People would find a way.

The first thing I needed to do was to find out what was happening. I needed perspective and the observatory in Ix was my best bet. I used my Lem granted powers of travel to move from my lake to the spice lands of Ix.
This place had always troubled me. Or, to be exact, I had always been troubled by the crack in the sky.  If the world was falling apart, it was probably best to start by looking at all the obvious cracks.
The streets were eerily empty as I traveled through the land of spice. No one seemed to be home.
 Even with all my skills, it took some time to make it all the way up to the telescope.  I waited my turn and then, with a deep breath, I began analyze the world around me for problems. As I suspected, it seemed the cracks were getting larger. I stepped back, seized by fear at the idea of this. I had to be imagining bad things.


I jumped 3 stairs at a time, sometimes more, until I could get as close to the crack in reality as I could. Once there, I studied it, trying to remember how it looked last time I was here.
Of course, that had been a long while. Once the Giants opened up the possibility for people to grow their own spice trees, the land of Ix was not a place I often traveled. For a moment, I felt a lot of guilt over that. Lem had always encouraged travel and I'd stopped. How much of this beautiful land had I missed by staying close to home? How many warning signs of this impending doom had gone unnoticed?

 I had delayed long enough. It was time to go to the authorities and explain the problem. Everything seemed peaceful when I arrived at the Bureau of Administrative Affairs Ministry of Departments. Glitchens lived in a state of peaceful anarchy, but everyone needs some bureaucratic help from time to time. Well, okay. I wouldn't really call them HELPFUL.
I walked inside to the usual sound of muzak and smell of burnt coffee and floor cleaner. The ministry lizards were all busy at their . . . well, whatever it is that they do. I was told to wait and wait I did, for at least 45 minutes. After a while, I walked back over to them.
"We're sorry, Miss. But you will have to continue to wait."
"But there is no one else even in here."

They looked at me like I'd said something that clearly did not matter and went back to their work. Or, what served for work. One was playing solitaire on the computer and I think two of them were making paper airplanes.
"Look!" I said. "I think we're in trouble. It seems that the world is about to end."
"Yes."

"I know you won't believe me, but . . . wait, did you just agree with me."

"We did, Miss. We are fully aware the world is about to end. However, we have also decided we can do nothing about it so . . . go on about your business. Enjoy the End of Days. Come back if you need a building permit."

"But--"

"That will be all. Your number is up."

My number was up. My time was up. And very, very soon, my world's time would be up as well. I realized the ministers couldn't help me. I left them, in hope of finding answers in other places.

The Last Day of Glitch

Even when I woke up, I knew something was different. Like most Glitchen, morning usually filled me with a sense of happiness and purpose. But not today. Today I woke up and everything felt different. Off. My body convulsed with chills and nothing could warm me. Even standing near my fireplace couldn't keep me warm. I knew the best thing I could do go to my shrine area and seek wisdom from the Giants.

I didn't know if I would get any help here. The Giants were loving and generous, but quite often interested in people solving the riddles for themselves. This was most true of my favorite Giant, Lem. Lem knew that the best path to wisdom was, well, a path. He was a Giant of Travel and wanted us to explore the world around us. At least, that was how it usually was.
"Pssst! Hey, you! Glicthen who likes me!"

I looked up at the shrine and smiled. "Lem? Did you want something?"

"I want a lot of things, kid." His voice sounded so sad when he spoke. "But I don't think what I want matters much anymore. However, even if things are gonna happen the way I think they will, I still believe there is stuff you should see."

"I'm not sure I understand."

The shrine blessed me with some happiness and love. "I want you to put on your Lem outfit, travel in the vestments of one who is devoted to me. Then go to the lands of your ancestors. When you get there, follow the jujus back to their camp. That is the best place for you to start."

The lands of my ancestors is a hot and dry place . . . which somewhat made me question Lem's desire for me to wear his vestments. They were really hot and the helmet always made my head sweat. I wasn't sure that having a sweaty head was the best way to go on Lem's quest, but I wasn't about to disobey.

I traveled the old dirt pathways, unlocking small treasures left by the ancient Glicthen. I knew this was the best way to attract one of the little bandits called jujus. I started playing cat and mouse with one, dodging him as he attempted to steal my things, laughing at him as he grumbled at me. After a while, he lost sight of the fact that he was chasing me and realized I was chasing him. In a panic, he teleported back to his home base. Lem allowed me to follow.

The camp was simple and sparse, but retained the loveliness that one finds in all of Ur. At the far end of the camp, in the most shaded location, sat Grandmother Juju, matriarch of the tribe. 

Her rocking chair gave a low rhythmic creak as she rocked in it. Creak. Creak. Creak. It set a baseline for the faster clicking of her knitting needles. I found myself transfixed by the sound. I couldn't move and time paused for me. In the distance, I realized I could hear drums. No, not drums. Thunder. Since when did it rain in Ur?

"I see you found your way here, Child of Lem." At first, I didn't realize the old juju had spoken. I jumped out of my stupor.

"Yes, I see you there. Come closer, child. I won't harm you. Or steal from you." Grandmother Juju chuckled and I forced myself to go to her.

"Lem did send me," I began.

"Yes.  It isn't surprising he would be the first to realize. He was always a clever child. Things are changing and not changing for the better."

I shook my head. "This is Ur, Grandmother. Things always change for the better. The Giants always improve the world and dream up new lands. Ur is always better than it was the day before."

"No more, little one. No more. Go to the mounds not far from here. You will behold the first of the Ones Who have Come."

The happiness and comfort Lem had given me suddenly drained from my body. Grandmother Juju clicked her knitting needles in an odd way and I was no longer in her camp. I was back in the lands of my ancestors, walking towards one of the mounded hills that had served them as shelter from the elements. 

Bells. I could hear bells. Never in all my life as a Glitch had I heard the sound of bells in the ancestral lands. The sound was tinny and discordant. Each ring of them caused my blood to chill just a little more. I realized I'd traded sweaty for cold and clammy.  Midway up the hill, I saw a strange creature, one I'd never seen in all my travels through Ur.

"DOOOOOM!" the creature howled. "DOOM TO YOU! DOOOM TO ALL! THE GIANTS WILL BE FORCED FROM THEIR LAND OF DREAMS AND LOW THE WORLD SHALL ClOSE! THE END IS NEIGH! THE END IS NOW!"

 I didn't speak to the creature, which, with some odd insight, suddenly knew to be called a Forehorseman.  I backed away from him and teleported myself to one of my favorite places in Ur. And by this tranquil lake surrounded in shadows, I considered the Forehorseman's words. Doom to Ur. The Giants were coming.

My world was ending.

Small Post

I am so happy this week is over. We had tons of things to do, errands, medical appointments, shopping, blah blah. We were busy with something every day and for disabled people, that's not so easy. In the midst of it, the weather did some strange shifts. My body did some strange shifts. Yes, that's about the whole week . . . busy and shifty.

As much as I wanted to enjoy the coming of the weekend, I dread it as well. This is the last weekend of Glitch and I'm still not ready to give it up. I'll play as much as I am able to. I just don't know how much that will be. I plan to be there when everything ends though. There is one last quest. I hope I get to see it through.

Sacred Traditions

We were discussing holiday decorating tonight and my cousin talked about how for years their family had a rather sad looking angel at the top of their Christmas tree. From the impression I get, it wasn't the greatest tree topper on the world. Probably something purchased back in the early days of the marriage when my aunt and uncle didn't have a lot of money. After my cousins grew into adulthood, my aunt bought a new angel for the tree. This one was nice and expensive, lovely, hand crafted, and the kind of tree topper that could really be the star of a well decorated tree.

My cousins hated it. They all protested to my aunt about how they disliked the new angel and missed the old screwed up one. They wanted their inexpensive, broken old angel to top the tree. Not because she was the most beautiful thing and not because she was expensive. The old angel was the tradition. She was a large part of how they viewed Christmas. Without the old angel, Christmas just wasn't the same.

In the last year, I've really been embracing the idea of transformation. I'm trying to find new paths to having a better life. There are a lot of reasons, health and sanity being the main ones. However, as I make changes, I always keep in mind that change should come for a very well considered purpose. You should never change things just because you can.

My family's tree topper is a good example of this. My aunt had the means to replace the angel. She knew the old one wasn't all that great and really believed a new angel would be better. However, "new and more expensive" don't always equal better. Sometimes, we need to remember that what we have in the moment may hold more value than anything we could purchase as a replacement. What we have at the moment may serve as a touchstone with our past, a connection  to how we define ourselves or an event.

While this is true all year long, I think it holds a special significance during the holiday season. Winter holidays are about many things, but regardless of the philosophy behind why we may be celebrating, one thing that holds true for almost everyone is that winter holidays are an observance of traditions. Songs in connection with the holiday begin to be heard, and this is the only time of year that happens. Television specials are played year after year, and people, no matter what age, will skip other programming to watch these specials, even though they may have seen them many times before.

For many of us, the things we love about the holidays are the very simple things. The ornaments that are used year after year, even the old broken ones. The campy songs, many of which we make up our own lyrics. Stories told about bad gifts and fruitcakes. Discussions about people who've left us and what they added to the holiday.

For me, there are three things that mean the most to me during the holidays. I have a tradition with my bff of decorating her tree while we listen to seasonal music. I watch holiday specials with my roommate. We usually sing all the songs. I also love going over to my grandfather's house with my brother and his family. Gifts and meals aside, these three events are always my favorite part of the holiday. No matter what else happens, as long as these three things happen for me, I always feel like I've had a complete Christmas.

So tell me, oh readers of mine, what is important to you about this season? What events and rituals really create the true feeling of Holiday to you? Whatever they are, I hope you enjoy them this year and every year.

The Second Stage

You know how you go through the various stages of grief when you're losing something? I think, as of tonight, I truly hit anger over the Glitch thing. Well, somewhere between anger and bafflement. I'm angry to the point of almost crying about it and I'm just completely confused about the facts being presented to me. They make me question some things and I'm not liking the answers that spring to mind.

See, I went to the Glitch forums to see if there were any updates. One of the staff members had posted that they were going to raise money on Indiegogo to pay for the production of an art book about Glitch. Out of curiosity, I clicked the link to see how they were doing. Their goal was $17,000.  They had already raised $20, 000. IN TWO HOURS.

Two hours. They had 45 days allotted to raise the money for this. In two hours, they not only met their goal, but exceeded it.

So I have to wonder, how can this game be closing, how can they claim it is not worth continuing, if they can raise that kind of money in under two hours? Do they not think their audience would be willing to support it? Do they not believe they have people who would be willing to help make it stay alive? People would put up with ads. People would put up with crap they have to click. Those who are able would probably willing to even pay for it if that is what it took to keep it alive. And clearly people would do that, as in two hours, they can get people to give them $20, 000.

So yeah, I'm rather frustrated and angry about this right now. It's like they don't even understand how much people love this game or what they are willing to do to save it. They're trading away loyalty for the chance at future profit.  Worse of all, they are destroying something beautiful.

Pleasure in Risk

For a second, I want you to think about that precise moment when you realized you had a crush on someone. It's a simple thing, but in so many ways, it alters your perceptions. You're suddenly more hopeful about life, maybe more fearful. The object of your crush takes a closer to place to being the center of your stage. You see potential for this to go in so many directions. It's the possible start of something. It's a moment when you really know you're alive.

Realizing you have a crush doesn't always turn out to be a Big Life Altering Event. Sometimes it leads to heartache. Sometimes it leads to nothing. Sometimes it leads to little stabs of pain every time this person talks about someone else. Sometimes it just leads to wistful thoughts that lull you to sleep at night.  No matter the final destination of the crush, they all originate in the same place. They all start out in that blissful shiny sparkly moment when you know you like this person. LIKE like.

Crush moments are touchstones. They take us out of our insulated minds and create some kind of psychic contact with another person. We find ourselves watching them, smiling when they speak, hanging on their every word, and being quite interested in what is happening to them. For a while, we're outside our bubble. It's a risky place to be. After all, we will more than likely face pain at the end of this.

Crushes aren't practical, but I think they are primal. In fact, I think part of our biological makeup involves savoring a certain level of pleasure when we take risks. We only advanced because of the risk takers, the trail blazers, the brave ones. At some point, some girl decided she should eat a mushroom to see if it was good. Or, you know, she conned one of her friends into eating it. Either way, a risk was taken.

If the thought of finding pleasure in risk taking seems foreign or unacceptable to you, you're not alone. In fact, most of my life, I was the same way. Most of the time I still am. I don't even like to carry the eggs into the house because I might break them.

On reflection though, I'm not sure I want to be that way. I would like to find the path back to being someone who finds pleasure in risk. I would like to be happy when I enter a contest or venture to talk to someone new. I don't want to just be rooted in place by fears and doubt and anxiety. I want to be someone who views attempt and knowledge as far more valuable than immobility until assurance of success.

To be honest, I'm not sure how to achieve this. It's going to involve years undoing the habits and thought patterns that lead to minimizing risks. It's also going to involve me . . . being brave . . . acting before analyzing . . . trusting myself . . . having faith in my instincts. I'm kind of not practiced at any of that.

Then again, I've been altering a lot of my patterns of behavior. Perhaps the best way to learn to be the brave person is just to do it the same way I have learned to be the physically active person. Start out slow and small, build on that. Savor my victories, learn what I can from my defeats, and keep my goals in mind.

This topic will be revisited from time to time.

Betrayals in Branding

In the wake of the Papa John statements about Obamacare, the company has seen a huge decrease in customer perception. This should come as a surprise to no one. Any time a company or the face of a company gets involved in political statements,   there is almost always going to be fallout. As was seen earlier this year by Chick-Fill-A, taking a stand about a political or social issue can become a PR nightmare.  However, a lot of people are bemoaning this reaction, claiming that the 'retribution' against such companies as Papa John's, Denny's, and Applebee's is akin to bullying. People should be allowed to say whatever they want.

Sigh.

There used to be a point of politeness where people did not discuss their politics, money, religion, or sex lives in general company. It was considered rude. And yes, this was waaaaaay back before political correctness. This was in the days when people sent Thank You notes after having lunch and never put their elbows on the table. I'm not claiming to be the most mannered person in the world, but I do understand the value of it. There is something to be said about keeping your mouth shut so that everyone in the group can be comfortable. Seriously, what you may see as a spirited and lively debate about politics or religion is just annoying as shit to everyone else.

This is even more true when you are trying to promote your company. Effective promotion is designed to reach as many people as possible, transcending race, religion, creed, or belief systems. If you're selling Purple Elephant Plushies, you want to sell one to everyone, not just to the people who think the way you do. You want to present your product in the best light. You can't do that if everyone is focusing on some jackass thing YOU said.

It's also important to keep in mind that quite often, you're trying to sell people things they don't need. No one HAS to have pizza. No one HAS to have fried chicken.  These are luxury items that you are trying to sell in a shaky economy. People are going to be less likely to splurge for your product if the stuff you say is pissing them off.  They will either buy something from the place that said nothing or just do without. You're making their decision to NOT choose you so much easier than it would have been if you'd just kept your mouth shut.

Interestingly, of the above listed companies, Papa John's is the one whose reputation is suffering the most. People are annoyed with Denny's and Applebee's (and Applebee's related stores), but not as much as they are the pizza chain.

That's because Papa John's suffering from more than just a bad PR issue. Unlike the other chains, Papa John's betrayed the perception of the brand. Papa John's branding is pretty straightforward. There is this guy, Papa John himself, who owns a bunch of pizza places. They make good pizza and he's very down to earth and good to people. On the commercials, he is personable, likable, and charming. The consumer likes him. They see him as friendly and kind. Just some nice guy who owns the pizza place up the street. Until the Obamacare statements, this branding campaign was highly successful. People identified with Papa John. They felt like they knew him.

Suddenly, good old Papa John isn't the guy we thought he was.  He's some very rich bastard who lives in a castle.  He pays is workers the minimum he can and isn't willing to fork over the money to cover their healthcare costs, money that would equivocate to about 15 cents per pizza, a price increase that most people wouldn't even sweat.  People started sending him letters with a dime and a nickle taped in them, with suggestions that he stop being a dick. A huge media storm surrounded the issue.

John Schnatter, CEO of the chain, tried to do some damage control by saying that the statements were taken out of context. He talked about how most Papa John's are ran as franchises and what people do with them really isn't something he controls. He stated that his company was still looking into how the new healthcare laws were going to affect things and that he had no real answers at this time.

The problem is, he really didn't undo the damage done to the brand. In fact, he may have made it worse. By talking about how the chain is franchised and how he isn't really the one in control, he emphasized the fact that the Papa John image presented in the commercials wasn't real.

I'm not saying that people are so gullible that they believe completely in what a brand tells them. Deep down, yes, we all know it isn't true. At the same time, we have to acknowledge that branding is a very powerful tool. If it wasn't, we wouldn't use it so much. If it wasn't, it wouldn't be so effective.  Once you tarnish the brand, it is possible to get it back, but it isn't easy.

We live in a society where emotional perception is very powerful. We can use this as a tool to promote ourselves or what we want to sell. It's kind of like spinning plates in the air though. You always have to keep an eye on what is going on. At any moment, if you're not careful, one of those plates can spin out of control, crash, and then the show is over. If you're going to create a brand, you need to think long and hard about the consequences of that brand. Don't spin something into the air that is so far away from what you really are that there is no way you can keep it going. You'll just end up making people feel like you lied to them. You would have been better off not to show them anything at all.

December Reflections

I think I've mentioned before that October is my favorite month. The weather is starting to cool down, the leaves get beautiful, there is Halloween, and over all, always a nice positive atmosphere. Hey! We survived summer! Good for us! Have some candy!  Every time I think about October, I get warm, happy feelings. It's the best month to celebrate.  People are usually in good moods. Pumpkin lattes fit in here somewhere.

You'd think I'd be really happy and positive about December as well, but I'm usually not. There are plenty of reasons for me to.  During my many years as a student, December always signaled the end of a semester and time off. It is the month where I get gifts. And, it's the only month where I get gifts, because December is my birth month. I'm fairly egotistical, so it makes sense that I would hold the month in high regard.

Somehow, it never works out that way. In the least shitty years, December comes off as unreal. It's rushed and busy. I have to go places and wrap gifts. I have to pay money to deal with special tasks, like renewing my Driver's License. I have to deal with people. The traffic is always shitty. And then at the end, my birthday happens and it's just basically nothing because everyone else is focused on Christmas.

Those are the simple years. There have been plenty of years when Christmas contained its own special levels of Hell. For instance, one year all of my holiday money was stolen. I'm not talking "Oh gee, now I can't buy stuff!" holiday money. I'm talking about "Oh fuck! That is all the money I had to live on until Financial Aid checks come in" money. One year there was an ice storm and I was stranded at a friend's house for days. The year I turned 30, I did not receive one of those Over the Hill parties. I was so viciously ill that I did nothing that Christmas except be ill. I didn't even eat for several days.

I don't know what this December will bring me, but I'm pretty sure it's going to suck a dry monkey. My roommate and I both have doctor's appointments and other unfun tasks that will eat up the days. It's unseasonably hot, which is making us both feel like crap. The winter coat covered cats aren't happy about it either. Glitch is closing on the 9th, and I'm dreading that with every fiber of my being. Actually, I think I'm dreading that most of all.

It's not that I don't have a sense of holiday spirit. I do. I love my holiday specials and I love the music of the season. I love all of that a lot. It's just the rest of the month that usually messes with me.

I don't know. Maybe this year December will surprise me. Maybe things will go smoothly and the stress levels won't be any worse than usual. Maybe I can really enjoy the holidays and have nothing overtly crappy happen. Most of all, I just hope it cools down again. I really need the cold weather. I need to shiver in my bed under blankets and continue my romance with my current favorite knitted hat. I want hot tea and cuddly cats. All of that would make me very happy.

Pain Again

Of late, I've been going through a lot of pain and injuries. Normally I would just assume this was due to my clumsiness, but in this case, it just seems to be a lot of probabilities not falling in my favor. There are things I could have done in some cases that could have prevented the injury, but for the most part, it was just a situation where the odds just finally ran out. That doesn't stop the pain, of course. Even now as I type, I'm in a lot of pain from various directions because of injuries.

Night before last, the smoke alarm decided to die. It decided to do this at six in the morning while my roommate and I were asleep. Once it started beeping and he got it to stop, I never really managed to fall back into sleep. I was a mess as I struggled through our morning. I managed to drive for shopping, but when we came home,  the back of the kitchen chair decided to fall off, while I was leaning against it, which caused me to go crashing backwards to the floor.

I handled this better than I would have a year ago at this time. Actually, even with all the pain I'm in, I'm still walking better than I did a year ago this time. I know I will heal from this, it's just not a lot of fun right now. I kind of feel like someone beat me . . . well, with the back of a chair.

It's also a little bit frustrating because I have some plans for what I want to do with the December blogs. If I am in less pain tomorrow night, I'll explain more about it. If not, well, you'll get another rambling post like this one. But at least you'll get a post.

The Lesson of Giftless

Giftless, being her usual self.

My little village is driving me crazy. Friendless, the girl who was 12 when I first started the game, grew up and got married. The problem is, she married someone in another village and moved away. I miss the poor thing. I stalk this person's village so I can see how she's doing. She always looks happy, but then again it's a Facebook game and I'm insane.

After all, it's not like I'm going to swing by this other village and find her chained to a tree while the rest of villagers take turns beating her with sticks. Of course, I might have done that to Giftless when she showed up, because she's so damned useless. However, her uselessness taught me an interesting and valuable life lesson. Yes, seriously.

See, every other adult villager I had possessed some skill that made them useful. Hopeless and her husband are very skilled in gathering things. Shiftless is great at mining. Friendless was really talented with farming. Poor old Giftless, however, was, as her name implies, without any talent . . . unless you count breaking things and being ten years older than her husband as talents. I did not.

So while everyone else was off being awesome at something, I would give Giftless all the mundane tasks. She would draw water from the wells, gather firewood, and fix minor tools. She would pick any berries that didn't take too long and make sure that all the stupid things we always have to have in stock, WERE in stock. All the while she did this stuff, I would be annoyed with her for not being able to give me any serious skills.

Then she got pregnant and couldn't work. Suddenly, I couldn't put my other people on their long term, difficult tasks because they were having to draw water, gather berries, get firewood, and fix all the little tools. No farming was happening, no lengthy-tasked gathering could happen, no mining, and certainly no building. Everyone else was having to handle the stuff that Giftless handled all on her own.

And, okay, I realize this is a silly Facebook game, but I was really profoundly humbled by this realization. Giftless, who I had gnashed my teeth at since she arrived in my village was not the most useless person there . . . she was really the most USEFUL person there, because her lack of skills allowed her to play a very vital role in the village. She made things run by doing all the little stuff. If freed up everyone else to do the big stuff. She was deeply important and fit quite well into the structure of the village. The old adage is true. There are no small parts.

I found this little lesson so lovely that I reworked it into a fable told by a wise man in a roleplay I was doing. I think I'm even making it part of my own personal wisdom and mission in life. I want to take the time to really admire the people who do the mundane things, the people who work behind the scenes of life, and who keep the whole damned thing running. These people are vital to the human tribe and they should be celebrated.

Giftless still breaks things all the time. She still flirts with a man who isn't her husband and drinks too much of the water supply. I've come to actually like that about her though. Her little bit of talentless chaos is now an important aspect in my village. I'm glad we have her and I appreciate her contributions. . . even if she did just break the ladder. Again.