And the Trees are Stripped Bare

So October is over and tonight is Halloween. It's sad. This used to be my favorite holiday and now I do nothing for it. Seriously, not one thing. That needs to change at some point. Though, not this year.

Anyway, October was a hard month. We had some nasty little stressors and the weather went in every direction it could. But hey, at least it's ended and I can now just move on toward the rest of the holidays.

Fin

Spoilers for Dragula
Season 3 has ended and what a season it was! I really enjoyed the romp of horror, filth, and glamour this year. I loved the floorshows and even loved the drama, most of it anyway.

I'm glad Landon won. Landon has been positive and consistent all season. Admittedly, I think I would have been happy with any of the three of them winning. Priscilla was charming as hell and Dollya's work was amazing. I think the flesh dress on this finale is one of the best looks I've ever seen. She really did House of Black justice with that.

At any rate, amazing season. Well worth the wait.

Some Calm

Okay for a minute here, I'm okay. The roof people came this morning and did stuff. I'm assuming that stuff fixed the problem. I guess we won't know until it rains again, but for the moment, I'm going to just assume it will work so I can sleep tonight. I need that.

So yay.

Quiet Weekend

Despite the stress waiting tomorrow of trying to get the roof fixed, the weekend wasn't that bad. It was mostly lowkey and quiet.

The cat's insistence of sitting on my shoulder and my solution to this of forcing her to at least sit on a towel to keep her claws out of my skin seems to be working. We're having fewer fights about the situation. I think, more than anything else, just fixing this one thing has helped matters.

Roof Update

So ol boy showed up to look at the leak. It seems it might be beyond his ability to fix. We have another person called to help, but they have 13 roofs to look at before getting to ours. Thankfully it stopped raining for now. Hopefully, this will be fixed before it rains again. This is a mess.

Predictable

Of course, the repairman didn't show up. Of course, the second repairman I called also didn't show up. Of course, the cat was annoying the whole time I was trying to make stuff happen here. Of course, I'm not doing much, other than making a couple of phone calls, because there isn't jack I can do beyond that. Of course, this is getting on my very very last little frayed nerve. Of course, my roommate is right there with me.

I mean, rationally I know this will happen. The roof will get repaired, eventually. I know people can't just jump right to help me because suddenly MY stuff needs repaired. I understand there is a line of people ahead of me who also need their roofs fixed and also have leaks and also have frayed nerves and also probably waited hours and hours to get this to happen.

Doesn't make it any easier though.

Broken

The house continues to be a bitch. Now the roof is leaking. And it's raining for days. Uggh.

I keep this list of all the stuff wrong with the house. It never really gets smaller. It just gets added to. I think about this list a lot, like quite a few times a day. I also know there is not one thing at all I can really do to afford to fix all of it.

Oh well. Here's hoping it doesn't fall around us.

Rested

I had such a good nap this afternoon. I mean, seriously, it was the best sleep I've had in months. I felt almost high when I woke up because I slept so well. And that's just kind of sad.

I mean, I guess it's not. I needed the sleep. I seriously need probably weeks of catch up sleep at this point. Maybe I'll start to get it.

Passing

Where did this month go? It's almost over and I think I just tranced out of most of it. Normally I like October but last month was so hot and annoying that I'm not sure I was even quite well enough to notice what was going on. I know that sounds concerning, but mostly it's due to me not getting enough sleep. Having said that, I read some good books this month.

What else? Oh yes. A friend sent me a link to joyn. It's a fat positive wellness app. You have to pay to join, but it's no more expensive than the box I was doing there for a while and you pay month by month so there really isn't any commitment. I'll think about it. You can do a seven day free trial in any case.

The cat is on my shoulder and growls when I try to move her. That is my life now.

Weirdness

The cat ripped up my leg in four places today. Only one of them bled badly, but all of them stung. Having the affection of a cat is a complicated thing. You want them around, but you run the risk of them harming you. Actually, I guess that applies to people as well.

Even though the days keep passing, things feel like they're in some kind of limbo haze. I don't quite understand why, but then again, I think maybe I believe that Higgs-Boson theory.....

Heat Therapy

Either back in July or August, we'd forgotten to put the sungaurd in the window. When I got in, the seats were very hot, but against my back and shoulders, the heat felt really good.

So it's taken me all this time to actually start using the heating pad, even though I knew we had one. Anyway, I started earlier this week. For a couple of hours every night, I'm trying to do my best to keep the heat against my back and my evil shoulder blades. Relaxing that whole Pit of Chaos has possibly made it easier to sleep. I've certainly been sleeping deeper and having all kinds of weird dreams.

Anyway, I'm going to keep this up for a while and see if it makes a real difference. Well, one difference is that it's moved the cat more onto my boobs than on my shoulder. Then again, she was making my shoulder ache, so this is probably a good thing.

Beyond My Control

As I wrote about last night, things got difficult. I was having some issues with my body, the van needed fixing, I got some news about my insurance that I did not like, oh AND then later that night, the internet went out and there were some surprise issues with that as well.

Today involved phone calls and trips to the mechanic and in one case, my roommate going to actually talk with the pharmacy. In the wake of all of it, this is what I realized.

So . . . the internet issue was with billing. They stopped accepting automated payment but failed to inform their customers. Turns out that basically everyone owes them two months' worth of payment right now and everyone is freaking out. They did not say anything. They are at fault. I did what I could about the situation. Nothing else I can do.

The van's issue was just one of those things that happen with older vehicles. I did what I could. Nothing else I can do.

The pharmacy thing was muddled. When I called my insurance company, they told me the pharmacy was shutting down. I was NOT happy about this. Later when we talked to them, they said they were NOT shutting down and that the insurance company was giving them issues and to wait for a bit and see if it could be resolved. So, okay. Cool. I did what I could. Nothing else I can do, but wait.

As for my stomach issues....there were some things I ate and drank that could have contributed to that, things that I normally do not have. I think it's best to take that into consideration and avoid those items or at least avoid them during the time when I had them. We shall see if that will make a difference. So, in this case, I CAN do more and will.

Overall, I somewhat feel better about the situaton.

Stress

I've been trying to write this blog post for five minutes. My fingers keep slipping keys or the Caps Lock will get switched on. I'm almost to the point of just giving up.

It doesn't help that the cat is on me. I tried to move her earlier and received a whole new set of cuts for my effort. I know she just wants comfort but sometimes it's just too much. Pro Tip: Even though everyone says pets help with your mental state, that is only if your mental state is good at the time. When you're depressed, pets can feel very oppressive. Because your chemistry is off, you don't feel the happy chemicals they usually give you. You just feel trapped and hot. You focus on the mess they're causing. You get impatient. Try to keep in mind that it's the depression making you feel this way. That's not always so easy.

Some new stressors entered my life today. All of it is manageable (I hope), but I could have done without them. One will end up costing money and time. The other will alter something I've been doing for the majority of my life.

Oh and also, my stomach decided to be evil. So there's that.

Serenity

We did the shopping thing today. Normally I call people but I didn't this morning. I just wanted to be left alone with my thoughts. It was a nice place to be.

My roommate got me some new lotion and my skin seems to really like it. We talked about how the older lotions don't get promoted as much because they tend to be cheaper, even if they do still work.

I also watched this weird long video on Barbie doll hacks. Some of them were really, really tacky. The others looked very involved. About three of them were reasonable enough to really be a viable hack.

Yeah, that was basically my day.

Satisfied

I was kind of in a fugue all weekend. I was riding that delicious high of having read a very good book and still having a lot of it to process. Is there any joy out there like reading a book that truly is a delight to read?

Anyway, it continues to be cooler. This is that weird time of year when I have a fan on in my room but I still turn flick the switch to the bathroom heater when I'm in there. It won't last. Soon the fans will be cleaned for the season and put away. Thankfully I have a white noise machine to help me sleep.

This week is going to be busy for me. I have to do Things. Maybe that's for the best. Otherwise, I'd just pine for the book. I can read it soon, but I need a bit of a break before I try.

Also, for now, I'm in a rather okay mood. YAY.

Selfish

My nephew told me a story about my brother tonight that I did not know. It happened during the time when I was living with my grandparents and he was living with my mother. It hurt my heart to hear it and it made me feel very guilty. It made me feel selfish for abandoning him to the safety of my grandparents. It's hard to wash away that guilt.

The thing is, rationally, I know it's not my guilt to bear. My mother set up this situation and poisoned my brother against his own grandparents so he didn't even know when to call them for rescue. It is her fault, but I doubt she ever felt a moment's remorse for her actions.

She's dead now. My brother tries very hard to be a good father to his kids. I didn't have children I could harm. The cycle will be broken.

Ship

So I just finished a very good book and find myself loving some of the relationship/potential relationships in it. They filled me with the happies.

On the other side of the coin, I just do not GET why people in real life are in relationships. I'm not judging people who are. If that works for you, great. I know people seem to enjoy being in couples, but the enjoyment factor escapes me. It seems like too much of a timesuck drama.

Also, I can't fathom someone out there being for me. Or to be apt, I can't imagine ME being for someone else. Not that I think I'm a bad person. I guess I just think I'm for me. I like my headspace and resent anyone who tries to invade it. But, you know, I dislike most people.

Skin

Recently I reactivated my skincare routine. It's something I tend to neglect when my mental state is bad, but I'm trying my best to pull out of the bad side of things. Deciding on a skincare ritual was part of that.

The interesting thing about taking care of your skin is that most products don't want you to just slather the stuff on and be done with it. They want you to massage the product into your skin, which creates a whole other level to the ritual, especially for people who aren't routinely touched by others. I now spend several minutes touching my own face, running my fingers over the planes of it, feeling where the bones alter its shape. I'm trying my best to be present during this so that I really experience what it is like to touch me and what it is like to be touched. And no, I'm not trying to be porny about that.

Anyway, maybe the routine will keep my skin from getting so dry this winter and the massage/meditative aspect of it will help boost my happy chemicals. We'll see.

Short

I did not blog yesterday.
Power was out for seven hours.
It was deeply frustrating.
At least it has cooled down.
My breathing is wrecked because of candle smoke.
Fall is off to a rocky start.

Stuff

Sorry about not posting for a few days. I watched the first episode of RuPaul UK. That was kind of trippy. I've been watching the latest season of Dragula as well. I think I'm enjoying it more than last season, although it has had a LOT of drama.

Yesterday was cool and nice. Today was hot and awful again, but hopefully, it's the last day of that for a while. If things would just stay cooler for a while, maybe everything could be better. I need that.

The Vicious Cycle

The dryer is fixed. It cost over 100$, but at least it was fixable. This means less drama about the whole situation. It was just one of a billion things that need to be fixed in this house. I literally fantasize about the house being fixed. The problem is, no money and no energy are available for these fixes so things just continue to decay until they break. That is the hell of being poor and disabled.

I mean, you basically just hope you die before anything major happens. It's kind of like how a lot of poor people hope they die before they reach an age where they're too messed up to work anymore. People want to know why we have an opioid crisis? This. People are despairing. The drugs make them forget the pain. A lot of people also hope the drugs kill them before anything else awful happens. It's a nasty cycle of despair.

Wow, I'm depressing tonight. I shouldn't be. The dryer is working. I had the money to pay the bill for it. I can have dry clothes again. I'm thankful for all of that.

NOPE

AND......the dryer broke. Yes, folks, that is our first day of October. It's still hot. It's still ragweedy. It's still muggy and nasty and all that, but on top of it all, the dryer broke. SIGH.

Oh and the cat ripped the hell out of my arm last night.