Goodbye January

January is gone and I'm pretty glad the month is over. The political situation is horrible and just about everyone I know has been really sick. The future of some people I love altered in a good but challenging way and I feel like I am being pulled at all ends.

Will the new month be better? Dude, I have no idea. Things are so uncertain right now. I'm not even sure if we'll have a government by the end of the month.

However, for better or worse, here we go into the new month. Yay?

Just Keep Swimming

The world is in chaos. There are protests everywhere. Children in handcuffs. Lawyers being physically prevented from seeing their clients. Illness. People wanting to put guarding on the front of their trucks to make it easier to mow down protestors. Anger. Confusion. The idea that all of this is just a smokescreen to cover something even more sinister in the works.

I finished another cat and felt kind of random for a while. I started to work on another one, but stopped. I looked over some of the doll dress patterns but I couldn't bring myself to work on any of them. I finally settled into a tiny little complex work with the remaining bit of bamboo yarn. It numbs my mind and I need that right now.

The Craft Part Two

As I am sure you could tell from the post yesterday, I was very passionate and more than a little frustrated about the state of the world. If you read the blog often, you know that isn't where I want to keep my mind. It isn't healthy. I'm not saying passion is bad, but when there isn't a lot you can do about it, it can slide into a dark place. That's the way it tends to be for me, at any rate.

Being able to work with yarn is such a magical part of my life. I can construct things to keep me warm, make things to give me comfort, and create things to alter my state of mind. Yesterday, I worked on trying to cheer myself up. I took some of my leftover pink yarn and made a cat.

The cat is cute. It's rather cartoonish looking, with a smirky little expression and a knowing look. It not only calmed me down but it serves a purpose now. It's to be our Valentine's Day decoration. I thought about sending it to my aunt, but once it was finished, I knew it needed to stay with me. I needed the reminder of how I felt about everything when I made it and how much it cheered me up. All day long when I've looked at it, it's made me happy and I needed that.

I think we all need more crafting in our lives. We all need to be making more art with our bodies. We need to stop believing that is something we only do when things are calm or when life is easy. We need to stop believing that art should only be made by those who have the talent or the training. Talent is nice, but training is better and you can always train yourself with books and the internet. Make things. Let them transform your life. What we craft alters us as much as we alter it.

The Craft

It amuses me how people keep going after the hats. They are so offended by the hats. They mock them and say they're just some 'vulgar thing' when the truth bothers them so much more. Women took, as we always do, something degrading ('grab her by the pussy!') and transformed it into a pun (the pink pussy hat, made it into a craft, and used that as a symbol of solidarity. They took the thing that was being used against them and transformed it into something amazing. Something now on the cover of Time Magazine.

 To me, the main message of the march, more than ANYTHING else, was "You WILL NOT demoralize us. We have too much humor and too much punk rock in our souls."

And weeks before the march, all the knitting sites got a link to where you could find the pattern to make the hats. You'd make a hat and then there would be a list of people who were signed up to march. You'd pick a person from the list and send them their hats. Those hats, in the majority, weren't made by some company. They were made by women. Knitters. MY PEOPLE.

I guess this also scares people because that demonstrates the kinds of solidarity and organization that was happening here.  They can all us fat, call us ugly, call us loud, call us vulgar. We'll just find a way to make that into some other subversive craft and use it as a way to keep us solid. Fuck them.

More Blah

I am so tired. Seriously tired. It seems like lately the tired never ends. Part of it is the general funk of being sick. The rest is soul fatigue. I'm just really disheartened by everything going on since the change in administration. People keep swearing that good things will come from this. Will it? Really? Is that even possible?

We'll see. In the meantime, I think I'm going to work on things.

Slacking

I sent the blanket off without taking pictures of it. Guess we'll have to wait until my cousin sends me some with the new baby. The baby is here, by the way! Born yesterday. Yay!

This is just another example of how the perpetual sinus ick I have is keeping my mind in a funk. I can't seem to focus on things, my eyes and ears are all nasty because of the pressure. I'm tired and still rather weakened from it all. I need a long stretch of days where I get good sleep.

I need to get back to projects. That will be easier when life has less snot.

Spring in Jan

I've been dealing with snot all day. It isn't fun. I've also had a unkind sinus headache. You know, normally this isn't the time of year when I would get sinus issues, but it was in the 70s today. It's supposed to cool down again and I honestly hope it does because this early Springlike weather is making everyone suffer. I do not like it.

Trying my best to ignore Trump and ignore all the shitty comments about the Women's March. Someone named Christy decided she had to write a rant about how she didn't need feminism or the march. Oh well damn. Now that Christy with the Good Priv doesn't need it, I guess everyone else should shut down their efforts. It was all about her, of course.

As you can see, some of it is still filtering into my brain. I need to stop drinking this poison because I think it's half the reason I have this headache.

That Feeling

Last night I finished the baby blanket. YAY! As always when I finish a larger project, I felt a wonderful feeling of elation about it. It's a nice feeling to have. It's like this mix of pride and relief all at once. It's kind of beautiful.

If I were ever to raise a child, I think I would teach them skills and set tasks for them to where they felt this quite often. I would want this sense of completing a project to be something they were familiar with, something they craved. I truly believe this makes for healthier, happier people.

Anyway, once the blanket is washed and the ends are woven in, I'll take some pictures of it. My roommate said it was the prettiest thing I've ever made. I am inclined to agree.

Snarknation

As I really not sure anyone can be convinced of anything anymore, I've decided to just be outright snarky. A lot of people are asking questions about the Women's March, as if they're just frankly baffled why women would be upset with anything going on in this country. I see no reason to give them legit answers. They already know the truth. They're just trying to be dismissive and shitty because the idea of organized women scares them. So these are my basic answers. Feel free to use any of them.

SNARKY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS

Question One: What rights to women fear that Trump will take away from them?

Answer: Oh this is just like the Tea Party protests. I'm worried he'll take away my guns and raise my taxes.

Question Two: You have plenty of rights in America. Why are you not protesting for the rights of women in other countries?

Answer: Look, I get how the concept of focusing on ethnocentrism as opposed to my own issues is tempting, but for years you guys have been telling me to Put America First so I'm gonna do that.

Question Three: Why do you feel the need to bash men?

Answer: Listen, you're totes right on this bullying issue. For a long time, you've been saying that people need to toughen up. And who better to be tough than men? My theory is the meaner I am to them, the more manly they will be, right? And you want them to be so manly because that's just awesome.

Question Four: Why didn't the women clean up after themselves after the protest?

Answer: That was a problem,  but then the women decided to incorporate and become a money making operation. See? Problem solved as I know you have no issues with companies fucking up the environment.

Question Five: Is this all about you just wanting to kill babies?

Answer: This is back to the bullying thing. Fetuses need to toughen up and survive. If they can't handle a little rejection and all that stuff you show in your propaganda videos about abortion, how will they be able to deal with the foster care system or prison?

Question Six: Why can't you just accept Trump is our president?

Answer: I totes do! Don't you remember how you posted that thing on Facebook where he said on Twitter that after the election we should take to the streets? Be consistent here!

Now are those my real answers to those questions? Nope, but fuck it. Just fuck it all.

Hear Me Roar

The women's march was today. I wasn't there in body, but I was there in spirit. I know it will help a lot of people ease through this transition, though I'm pretty sure it won't make that much of a difference to the people in charge. They really don't care about anyone outside of their own circles and have chosen different groups to pacify. Those other groups, whether they will admit it or not, hate women. They certainly hate women with freedom.

I know it's easy for me to come to grips with this. I'm at less risk than most people. I'm white and past the point of reproduction. I mostly just want to have enough to survive on and be left to myself. The sad thing is, even those meager desires could be taken away.

Other people have more at risk. Their power to plan their reproductive future. Their power to put their kids in safe, free schools. Some people's livelihood is on the line. When the government starts restricting Medicaid and medicare, jobs in home nursing services, mental health services, and retirement homes begin to disappear. Those jobs are more often held by women. When schools lose funding, teachers and teachers' aids lose jobs. Again, these jobs are often held by women. As paychecks shrink, domestic services, such as house cleaners or nannies, are often let go.

People are angry and scared. They have reason to be.

Good Thursday

Today was a good day! I felt marginally better and we had a few hours of sunlight. Mostly, I think the mental chemicals were just all firing at the right times. On the rare occasion that it happens, that is very nice.

It also helps that I feel somewhat accomplished today. I fixed the thing on my best friend's computer and finished my last major line on the blanket. now to just do the border. Assuming we still have a postal service by Monday, I should be mailing it out.

I really do think the chemicals are firing properly because other things are going on that are concerning. For one thing, Trump becomes president tomorrow. I have a lot of misgivings about that, but as there is nothing I can do about it, I don't see any reason to let it upset me. On a more personal note, it is becoming increasingly clear that one of our older cats is going to be put down soon. Her quality of life is going downhill. It breaks my heart, but at the same time, I'd rather her not have to live with fear and pain. This is just part of life.

I hope everyone has a good and productive weekend.

Little Mercies

I feel like I keep repeating myself. I'm tired. I hurt. I'm stressed. I'm sick. I'm working on a baby blanket. And yet, those first things are basically my reality right now. The last thing is the reason I manage to hold on. Well, that and the fact that the Sims is putting out vampires.

Then again, I suppose that is how we keep from going insane, isn't it? We cling to whatever keeps us going. This isn't a popular opinion, but I believe that's why we have so many addicts in the world. People find things to keep them moving forward, even if those things may stop them in their tracks one day. It's the little mercies that sustain us.

Tense

We're still sick. We're not sleeping well. The internet isn't working well. It isn't surprising that things are tense in my home. All of the plans I had (aside from working on the baby blanket) have been put on hold for the moment due to lack of mental and emotional resources. The lovely thing about craft work is that it is meditative and repetitive. It doesn't require the same parts of my brain as writing. I can still do it even when I can't access my brain for anything else.

We're doing the best we can though. Probably more than we should do. Certainly more than we want to. This is just a very hard time for us. I'd like for the sickness and stress to pass, but I know that requires my patience.

Working Again

The new computer is working. I'm not trying to do blog posts on a tablet. I will say that I am unbelievably happy to have the tablet. It made this whole ordeal a lot easier. I'm also thankful that I had help setting the computer up because it's a massively frustrating thing to do.

I feel like we lost a whole weekend though. I had plans to work on my baby blanket and plans for another project that I'm not yet ready to discuss. Neither really saw much headway. I've been trying to work on the blanket. We'll see how the other thing goes.

Dude

So I have a Del now. It was the best one we could find in our meager price range. It made it into the living room, but we're both too tired to mess with it today. We're still sick and fairly weaken from that sickness. The spoons for today have been spent.

This means another night of the tablet. It isn't the funnest thing to message on, but I am so happy I at least have the option.

Dead Computer

Well, my computer is dead. My roommate tried to fix it, but it was beyond fixing. Doing a blog post on my tablet may be something I have to get used to. How was your day?

Issues

Today started out so good. Shopping was okay. I felt mostly fine (ish) and I wrote some. Past that, everything kind of went to hell.

My computer had the Blue Screen of Death. This one has never done that before and it was a little shocking. Once we got it restarted, I got this really great joyous news. Sims had developed a toddler pack and would be giving it to everyone for free! I was so happy!

Until, of course, my computer decided to continue to screw up. No more BSoD, but it did freeze twice, to the point where we had to do a hard restart, unplugging it from the power and everything. I have no idea what is going on with it.

We had a Win 10 update yesterday and sometimes those screw with computers. It could be that. It could also be something to do with Sims or Origin, which sucks because basically the ONLY reason I keep a computer as potent as the one I have is to play Sims.

It's also possible my computer is dying.  This really isn't out of the realm of possibility. It's several years old. I really hope that isn't it because I'm rather attached to this computer and another one would be expensive.

Oh! And add a suck-cherry on top of the suck-cake, our internet is going really, really slow. Bah! Today just . . . it needs to sort itself OUT.

Joy

SIMS IS PUTTING OUT A VAMPIRE PACK!

There are no words for how happy this makes me. It's glorious.

I'm still pretty weak from the sickness, but I think I'm doing better. My eyes are really jacked up, but I just think that's the time of year. The wind is stupid strong right now and that is making my eyes even worse.

VAMPIRE PACK!

Seriously, I'm going to be obsessing about this for the next two weeks.

Ish

I'm somewhat better. My roommate is also somewhat better. Things are still a struggle. Neither of us is all that strong right now. It takes us forever to get things done. We're having to prioritize what happens because anything that can way, will wait.

Even though I've been trying to walk my part of the trash to the curb, tomorrow it will probably be driven there. I just really don't want to go through the massive coughing fit/grasping for air fit that walking the trash will cause.

Being sick sucks.

Oops

I should have blogged last night, but it didn't happen. I was pretty uncomfortable and just needed to drag myself to bed. That's why I'm blogging early today.

The baby blanket is slowly coming along. Once I realized the variegated I was using is called Camo, I started calling this project The Booyah! Baby Blanket.  It is pretty, but still, camo. Still, that's one of the beautiful things about using yarn given to you and not looking at the labels beforehand.

Hopefully I'll not be a snot factory today.

Sick

Everyone is sick and everything is awful. That's all for now.

Another Cold Day

It was hellishly cold last night. Like . . . 5 degrees or something. The house was basically in the low 50s, even with the stoves on. As you can guess, this lead to bad sleep and will probably lead to more bad sleep tonight. This is some unpleasant weather.

In the long list of Things I Wish I'd Finished, I really wish I'd finished my knitted blanket. I think when I finish this baby blanket, I'm going to go back to that one, finish off the line it's on, and call it a throw. As I have more time, I'll add more to it. I am starting to need the warmth.

Speaking of the baby blanket, I'm on the first border of ten stitch and it looks really good. I'm about half way through the third side of this round. It's an unusual blanket, but I like it. I'm doing my best to pour lots of love into it.

My roommate is still ill. This is the third night in a row he's gone to bed really early. I'm hoping he feels better in the coming days. I know this is hard on him.

Things should warm up after today.

Bah Snow

When I went to bed around one, it wasn't snowing. I thought I was safe.I was wrong. When I woke up, we had two inches of snow on the ground. I had to get out in it and that sucked. I didn't fall, but still. I loathe driving in the snow. It makes me nervous and bitchy.

My roommate was the real hero in the situation. He cleared the car of snow, went into the store, handled my bitchiness, and even got us sweets . . . all the while, he was sick. I'm really impressed with how well he handles this kind of weather.

My shoes and socks got wet. I'm pretty sure I'll get chilblains from this. It was so cold outside, we never really managed to get the house warm on the inside. We got it to a level of tolerable, but not really cozy. Thankfully, it should be warmer tomorrow.

Snot Snow Surprises

I am a factory of snot. Seriously, my body should not produce this much snot. I'm just snot, discomfort, and pain. No wonder I disassociate so much. It's something we continuously work on in therapy and something I always come back to having reasons for. My body doesn't offer me a lot in the way of good things so I ignore it. If it wants my attention, it should be less of a hating ass bitch.

So far, 2017 is proving to be full of surprises. One small one, though still odd, was the fact that my grandfather called me yesterday. It wasn't to see how I was doing or anything (he didn't even ask) it was just to find out some information about skin cream. Still, weird that he called.

It's possible that we may wake up to snow. I really hope not, but I'm not thinking I'll get my way. The sky had that Snow! look to it all day and it is frighteningly cold. The cats won't be happy. No one will. I certainly won't be happy.

Maybe it will be the cause of less snot.

First Change of the Year

Well, there is a new development with therapy. The office where I go is going to close down. This isn't surprising. Our state is giving less and less money to mental health every day. It's only going to get worse.

My therapist is going to have to find a new place. In the meantime, we'll have to find other places to meet. It's going to be weird. Maybe this will be a good thing. We'll see.

Post Holiday Blues

The year is over. The holidays are over. Everything is starting to go back to the usual grind. I should find that comforting, I suppose, but I don't. I think maybe the outside of my head cold is a dive down into depression again. I'm really in the blues right now, just trying to push myself to move forward. All in all, I really don't want to.

Despite the depression trying to happen, I did start on a baby blanket that I need to have finished my next month. It's looking pretty good so far. I screwed up a small bit of it, but it's an easy fix. I don't hate it so far.

Speaking of hating my own work, I made a hat last week and thought the concept was good. When I was finished, I really didn't like it. As days went by, I liked it even less. However, while I was out earlier, I decided that it looks better on me than it does just laying there on the table.

I did a small bit of organizing around me. I need to do more. That may have to wait until the weekend.

The First Day of 2017

So far, so good.

We went to my best friend's house for lunch. We had black-eyed peas and other really good things.  We listened to music, had good conversation, and laughed a lot. After that, I got yarn!

Once we got home, we had a good evening. Our dinner was great (leftovers from yesterday). TV was fun and I listened to some more great music.

Now, as you know, I tend to see the first day of the year as kind of a predictor of how the year will go. There are some things I try to do to ensure good outcomes, but a lot of it is out of my control.

With that in mind:

Bad Signs were as follows . . .

I was in some pain today. I was also snotty. My roommate didn't feel that well either.

We only found half of the things we went shopping for.

We almost got hit by another car (although this is kind of neutral. We ALMOST got hit, but we managed to avoid it).

One of the cats threw up (although cat puke is always an aspect of life with cats, even on a good year).

I struggled with reaching some stuff. I also forgot a few things.

Good Signs were as follows . . .

I finished a project! Finishing a project is always a good sign on the First Day.

I reached out to some people to ensure communication with them and they responded back.

I was shown a lot of love and affection.

I learned a new concept.

I saw a new color and fell in love with it.

Other than pain, my body functioned pretty well.

But you know, sometimes this predictor stuff goes exactly the opposite of how you might think. In any event, it's a new year. Ready or not.