The Good Company

After another night of craptastic internet, it was a little annoying today to be over at my best friend's house and watch commercials for her internet company. Her company has, in the time she's had it, gone out once. Once, in like 12 years. It's faster than ours, cheaper than ours, and now it's going to upgrade itself to be even better.

Sigh. My town is one of the very few towns that doesn't have the good company. We have the awful company and because they have a contract with our town, we will probably continue to have the awful company. It's so frustrating because if we lived in literally any other town around us, we'd have the good company.

It really sucks to be a prisoner of location.

Bad Net

The internet is messing up. I'm not sure why. It's blipping on and off. I can't get FB to do much of anything and I'm worried Blogger might mess up too. So, with that in mind, I hope you have a good day.

Quick Post

This is just going to be a quick post. I have to be up early in the morning to go to the doctor. I'm oddly not that nervous about it. Mostly because I need meds. Once I'm finished with that, I may or may not have therapy. We'll see. I'm hoping I do. I'll write more tomorrow.

November Box: Hair and Contemplation

I was talking to my roommate about the Sephora box thing and it's possible that I may stop the deliveries after the first of the year. I'm not sure yet. It isn't that I don't enjoy them, but samples last longer than one might expect. I'm getting rather overwhelmed with makeup. Beyond that, I think the box experiment has served its purpose. I know more about modern makeup now. I was distracted for a while. I enjoyed it.

I know I'll certainly keep it through December and possible until February because I would like to see what you get in the month of love. By that point, I'll make the decision about keeping or letting go. Now on to the box.

I was very happy when I got the Amika Perk Up Dry Shampoo as one of my samples. I've tried other dry shampoos before and never really found one I liked that much. I wanted to see what something more high end could offer. Perk Up is 22$ for 5.3 oz. It's certainly more expensive than the ones I've used before.

Was I impressed? Oh yes. Perk Up used a natural rice starch for oil absorption. It's lighter than some of the starches used by other dry shampoos so it isn't adding a thick weighty look to your hair. Even better, it isn't leaving a white residue that you have to brush forever to get rid of. I felt like it had a lot of staying power. My hair looked good for quite a long while. The scent is subtle. Your hair smells clean and fresh, not overwhelming like it's trying to hide something.

A lot of people are icked out at the idea of dry shampoos and feel people should just wash their hair more often. I'm sure for some people that is perhaps the way to go, but for others, it just really isn't. Sometimes daily hair washing isn't practical or even possible. In my case, my hair gets oily only hours after washing it. Having a dry shampoo to help things out is beneficial to me.

Would I buy this product? Oh yes.  I would say this is one of the products I was hoping to get samples of and I'm quite pleased with what I received. I'm hoping to keep this sample for as long as possible because I really love this stuff.

Spoilers

Okay, so I have no problem with spoilers. I know some people do, but it's never been a problem for me. People get really weird about spoilers too. They'll freak out if an article states something they believe to be a spoiler, even if it's an already established and known fact.

Look, if a movie/book/episode of a show is out already and people very much know about it and want to discuss it, they are not going to start to do so just to keep your sweet little ears from hearing spoilers. Watch it in a timely manner like everyone else or accept that people are going to talk.

Drowning

Sometimes I have this dream that I have to swim through deep, deep water while holding my breath to get to something. I never make it. I either drown or freak out and come back up for air. In the dream last night, I came up for air. Even though I knew there was something I needed, I just couldn't bring myself to sink into that cold, black water.

I must have drowned in a past life because I can never shake this fear. Even if I'm just playing a video game, it stays with me. The sections of Mario where you have to be underwater would always terrify part of me. I hate thinking about them even now. It didn't keep me from playing the game, but I did find those sections to be just horrific.

Despite all this, I do love swimming.

Black Friday

We went shopping today, but not for Black Friday stuff. It was just for normal groceries. There really wasn't much of a crowd. I easily found a parking place and my roommate said he had an easy time in the store. It's possible, at least in our area, that the concept of Black Friday is fading.

We had leftovers for lunch and will do so again tomorrow. I think we did a fairly good job of only making enough for a few meals. Good on us for that.

It's nice to know we still have a whole weekend ahead of us. I have two doctor's appointments in the next two weeks and need to space out my time so I don't get exhausted. I really hope I can manage that.

Thanksgiving 2017

I've had a nasty sinus headache for hours now. It didn't put much of a damper on the holiday, but it did on my ability to focus and concentrate. The holiday itself was good. I mainly say that because my roommate and I spent it cooking. Making Thanksgiving dinner in my grandmother's kitchen always makes me think about her and my mom. They didn't get alone and Thanksgiving dinner was always a mess because they would snipe at each other, but it somehow all worked out. It's odd, the things you miss about people.

Anyway, I guess this Thanksgiving is about me being thankful for the brief lives that touched mine. My grandparents, my mother, my cats and dogs I've lost over the years. They're gone, but they're still with me. My roommate and I talk fondly about our ghost cats. I love that because it keeps the spirit of them alive.

I'm also thankful that I didn't have to go anywhere today because I am tired and in pain. Sometimes staying still is the best.

Don't Tell me It's Raining

Again, I've been gone for a couple of days. This was due to the internet screwing up. Suddenlink has been a thorn in our side ever since it started and it never gets any better. And really, the worst part of it is that it takes them so long to admit it's something screwing up on their end. Really, honestly truly, that makes me the angriest.

Seriously. As much as it annoys me that the internet goes off all the time, that is nowhere as irritating as the fact that they make you go through the song and dance of unplugging everything several times before just admitting what is going on. Please people! When someone calls, just say 'yeah, we know we knocked out your area. We'll fix it as soon as we can. Sorry.'

Is that really so hard?

Definition of Home

One of the most remarkable things I've been given the chance to experience in my adult life is the way my roommate brings cats into our home. He has such a sweet ability to foster trust in cats and the patience to let that evolve at the pace it needs to evolve.

The relationship begins with just him talking to the cat, usually from a distance. After a while, he starts leaving them food and water. They become infrequent porch cats, who come and go as they please, but know they can find food and shelter on the porch when they need it. Sometimes things never get past this point, but quite often, the cat soon finds comfort in getting petted and played with.

Twice past this point, the cats have joined our household. In the case of both Alice and Tinkerbell, I watched a very beautiful transformation. With both of them, there was a long period of adjustment where they would only stay in one room. They would be frightened of the idea of the 'whole house' and felt uncomfortable about joining us in the living room. However, over time, this changed. Soon they went from being IN the house to being part of the home. In both cases,  they learned to hang out with us, interact with us, and be part of the family.

It is a very beautiful thing to see a little outdoor cat go from being all on its own to being part of your family. You watch the very way this cat defines itself alter. The world is no longer this massive place full of challenges so immense that no consideration can be given to who the cat wishes to be. Once safe inside the house, and secure in the idea of the home, both of these cats began to shine. As I said before, this has been one of the great joys of my life. I am grateful to have experienced it.

A While

I skipped writing for a few days. I had to be up early on one day so I went to bed early the night before. The next day, I was just too tired. It seems I skipped another one too and I'm not sure why. Or perhaps I'm miscounting. In any case, I'm back. I have holiday dinner with the family tomorrow. I'm not exactly thrilled about it, but I'm sure it will be okay.

In a way, I want the holidays to be over. In another way, I'm just fine with the new year not starting yet. New years are always kind of scary for me. Who knows, though? Maybe I'll be more positive about it by then.

SAD

I think the Seasonal Affective Disorder is really getting to me this year. The lack of light in the evenings is usually something I enjoy, but this year the setting sun is making me just full of sadness. I'm having a lot of thoughts about my childhood and replaying things from my past that have gone wrong. I'm doing things to break these mental cycles, but sometimes they catch me unaware. Once I realize what is going on, I try to backtrack from it.

If you're a frequent reader of the blog, you know I've not been the happiest of campers anyway. This is honestly making things worse. I think over the next few days I'm going to try and think of ways to get myself past this. If I can rehab my shoulders, I can rehab my mind.

Winter Prep

One of the ways that my roommate and I connect is in that we were both raised with the principles of Depression Babies.  I don't mean people who depressed. I mean our grandparents, who lived through the Great Depression. Some of their ways of living really impacted us and as people who live on a very limited budget, it's helpful.

Today we got to really channel those ideas. My roommate is a genius when it comes to finding food sales. He found a lot of stuff for a very good price. When we got home, we portioned it out and put it in the freezer. It sets us for quite a while and helped to decide the menu for holidays.

It felt good to get the winter food stock in order. It felt good to bag things up and put it away. I know that one of the reasons it feels that way is because of how my grandparents would have reacted to the situation. My roommate did well today.

Tink

Tinkerbell, the cat who remains, still doesn't like me very much. I like her. I think she's very beautiful and funny. I like how she interacts with my roommate. I like that she has finally accepted our home as her home, even if she hasn't accepted me as her person. She's a good cat and I'm glad we are able to provide her with a comfortable life.

Tink is one of those cats with a body that changes with the seasons. During the summer, she is thin and her undercoat is very smooth. As it gets colder, she puts on some weight and her fur gets a lot thicker. Right now, she has a certain gravity about her. It doesn't always work with the rest of the gravity, but it's all hers anyway.

I've decided that Tink will be my comfort this winter. Even if she doesn't sit by me or let me pet her or even like me, I am going to find comfort in her adorable bushiness. I'm glad she's with us and I am happy she is part of my life.

Unwanted Awareness

I have a busy week ahead of me. I have to go to therapy, a doctor's appointment, shopping, Fort Smith for most of a day, and then do Thanksgiving on Saturday. I am not looking forward to any of it. Maybe I will when it gets closer to time, but right now it just all seems overwhelming and painful. A lot of physical effort and pain. I've been in so much pain lately.

I've been rehabbing my arms, but they still hurt. It's going to take time and maybe they're hurting a little less than they were before. I am still aware of them, though, and that is the biggest annoyance. I suppose the main reason I will never completely be able to honestly believe in body positivity is that I know I hate my body.

I don't think it's ugly and unworthy. It isn't like that. Those issues are meaningless. I hate my body because it is the major source of my pain, discomfort, and embarrassment. Seriously, most of the mortifying moments of my life have been caused by my physical form. Because of the size of my body, I am almost always in situations where I have to manage discomfort. I don't fit into things. Nothing can hold me. Things aren't wide enough.

The pain drama is always the worst part though. Aching here. Hurting there. Pain so intense I can't sleep. Pain so profound and prolonged I can't think. Shoulders today. Hips tomorrow. Feet. Hands, Butt. Sinus hell. It's like my body is just in this constant state of agitation and anger. It can't just be quiet, be stable, and be nice. If I could have a week where this or that wasn't hurting, where I didn't have sinus issues, where no stomach issues occurred, where everything just functioned without drama, there is no telling how much I could accomplish.

Rules of Life

You know, clearly, a lot of people need to be told some basic stuff that we took for granted that everyone knew. So here goes.

1. Unless someone says the words "I would like to see your penis (or some slang word for penis)" then you need to assume they do NOT want to see your penis.* Keep it in your pants.
2. If someone says they want a job at your company, that is not their precious subtle way of saying they want to see your penis. It is their way if saying they want a job. Do not show them your penis.
3. If someone does not say the words "I would like you to touch me," then do not touch them. And do not show them your penis.
4. If someone looks busy (eating, in a hurry, listening to music, reading a book), then they do not want to talk to you. Do not talk to them. Do not show them your penis.
5. If someone writes a review online, do not send them pictures of your penis.
6. If someone is a member of your church, assume they are there to worship God, not to have sex with you. Do not have sex with them. Do not show them your penis. 
7. If someone is in public doing the things that people do in public like walking, jogging, eating, rollerblading, etc, they are not there looking for sex. They really are there just to enjoy the public space.** Do not show them your penis.
8. If someone is nice to you, it is probably just because they are nice. Unless they indicate otherwise, do not assume they want to have sex with you. Do not show them your penis.
9. No one wants to see your penis.
10. No one wants to see your penis.

* Yes, I realized I gendered this. Assume the same for whatever bits you happen to have.
** Might not be true in cruising spaces of parks/bathrooms....best to know the local culture and read the tone of the area. 

Drear

I feel like it's been a while since I wrote, even though it's only been a couple of days. Things haven't gotten a lot better. My arms still hurt. It's cold, murky, and dark. I've been really emotional all day to the point that I cried during an episode of a show.  I really can't reconcile what's making me be so emotional right now. It's like I'm in some kind of rain cloud situation. I'm just sad.

Anyway, that's been my day. I really hope I can pull out of this funk soon.

Arm Issues

So I've lost some weight in my chest and it's making my life hell. You'd think it would make things easier . . . and in some ways, it does. I noticed it was easier to type on smaller devices today because of how my arms are sitting. However, the arm thing is also one of the problems.

Besides just the pain from the couple of falls I've had recently, my arms are hurting in other areas too. I realized today it's because their position on my body has changed. My arms used to sit about an inch higher and at a different angle. It isn't something people without significant weight really have to deal with. Your arms are just to the sides as they should be. My arms are still to the side, but lifted up and distorted in a different angle due to how my fat is distributed. That's changed now and because it means the general angle and position of my arms have changed, the adjustment is painful. Seriously painful.

Along with the shoulder rehab I'm doing, I'll do some for the rest of my arms as well. Just to see if I can help them to calm down about this. It may take a while, but hopefully, in a month or so, the pain will be gone.

I just want to remind anyone who is in the process of losing a lot of weight that it isn't always fun and games. There is pain involved, sometimes a lot of pain. Don't let it discourage you. Yes, it's rough. Sometimes it can keep you up at night. Just do what you can go get through those moments and remember you have goals.

The Glorious Darkness

Ahh yes. Daylight Saving Time has ended. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay!  I mean, it is dark by 5:30, but it's worth it if I get to sleep in later in the morning. And I do love that. I wish the rest of the day had been more Fallish. Instead, it was hot and muggy. We had shorts and fans on.

My pain levels were less today. I think the rehab stuff is working. This is a positive thing. I think it took me almost until sundown before I was really aching. This is progress!

Pain

Both shoulders are killing me right now. I've been tending to them as much as possible and trying to do some rehab, but that isn't keeping the pain down at night. I read quite a few articles about shoulder pain today and got some good ideas.

In fact, one of the most encouraging things I read talked about how simple movements repeated several times a day were best for releasing a lot of the pain. I'm hoping that a few weeks of this (and no more falling) can help me to get back to just the usual levels of pain I'm in. This new level sucks.

Better Mood

A three year old painted one hand of my fingernails the other day and it honestly didn't look that much worse than the hand I painted. No matter how old I get, I will never master that skill. It just isn't in the cards. It was fun though. She really gets a kick out of nail polish and I get a kick out of her being happy, even if the color does look really bad on me.

On the 18th, it is likely that I will meet my third-cousin Ayden. My family tends to keep five generations going at once, this time is no exception. It's a good thing they didn't have to rely on me for that. Hah!

November Blues

October is over and the holiday season is upon us. What to know where my mind is? In 8 days I have a doctor's appointment. In 18 days, I have to deal with my family. It's all just divided up into the length of time between various hassles. It makes my teeth ache. This is Depression.

I'm in pain today, but I'm functioning. Maybe all the fatness cushioned the fall. Whatever the case, nothing was broken and I am grateful for that. Pain, I can handle. Most of the time. This paragraph is a bit more positive than the last one. I mean, as much as one can be positive about not breaking anything after a painful fall. Hah.