New Year's Eve Eve

I've published 2555 blog posts. Cool. Anyway, it's New Year's Eve Eve and I'm clean and in a pretty good mood. I have some pain in my shoulders, but the meds are keeping it in check as long as I don't knit for too long at a time.

Tomorrow will be the one year mark of Millie living with us. She is certainly one of those cats who teaches you about unconditional love. By that, I mean I love her dearly but she's a pain in the ass most of the time. She knocks things over, she won't leave you alone in the bathroom, she scratches at my chair, and she's a piss to Tinkerbell. Despite her flaws, I still love her and I'm so happy she's part of my life.

I'm feeling really blessed tonight. My life is very full of conversation and laughter. I have animals that I love. I have people that I love. I get to live a strange little existence on my own terms. Tonight, I am thankful and happy.

Changes

Today my roommate set up the TV. The change was pretty intense, but the TV looks good in the space. It actually covers it better than the old TV did. We decided the old TV was judgy.

I also switched the tables and reorganized my part of the living room. It's nice. Overall, the whole situation feels better. I'm glad for the changes and hope they'll add peace to the house.

2018 Highlights

Hey, I'm not depressed today! The chemicals are working right! With that in mind, I felt I could write a Best of 2018 list!

Here we go!

• Camilla. After losing my beloved Rhiannon and Rowan, I just really felt a lot of grief. That didn't end when Millie ran into the house to become our kitty, but it certainly brought a new level of joy to my life. I am so thankful she is here and I love her.
• Tinkerbell. Tink has been with us for several years now, but this is the first year she decided we could be friends. One random day this summer, she hopped up on my lap and let me pet her. Since then, we have grown closer. She'll never be a clingy kitty with me, but at least she doesn't hiss when she sees me anymore.
• I advocated for my comfort. I got a wheelchair so I could handle distances better. It isn't a perfect situation and I'm not getting to access it as much as I would like, but it's still helped in certain situations. I'm glad I did it.
• I delivered a damn fine eulogy. The best part about this is that I kept basically the only promise my grandfather ever asked of me. I usually fail at that kind of thing, so keeping the promise and doing the eulogy well means a lot. 
• I learned a new technique in knitting. I was curious about something, researched it, and learned how to do it (reasonably well). It's given me confidence t really finish some stuff and deal with this massive stash of yarn I have.
• I got a new chair. Which, okay, this happened because my old chair broke and that was really humiliating. It shouldn't be. The chair was from the '80s. Anyway, getting the new chair has been so good for me. I did not realize the level of discomfort I was in before until that discomfort was gone. 
• I experienced a few weeks of feeling emotionally and mentally great. During Spring, I had this time when I was mellow. My thoughts were even. My chemicals were even. It was SO good. It was honestly the best I've felt in decades. I long to find that again.
• I survived. This year was A LOT. I lost my last grandparent. I had a Rubicon argument with someone. I fell and damaged a lot of things on my body. I screwed up my foot and almost couldn't walk on it for about a month. I got a horrible stomach virus that is still causing me issues. This year brought me to almost the pain levels of post-surgery days, but with no high-level pain meds to take the edge off. I also experienced some intense depression. Oh, and I lost my therapist. Despite all of that, I survived. I kept going, even when I didn't want to, even in the moments when only hate and spite were pushing me forward. I'm glad I did too because I found some neat stuff afterward and moved out of the hate and spite, back into my usual mode of whatever this is. Grateful snarkiness or something. 

The Best-Laid Plans

It's past Christmas and some of the things I'd wanted to do haven't happened yet. My dad gave me his old TV, but it didn't have a remote so we're going to need to buy a universal one before we can set the TV up.

I also asked for an organizer table and, while I did receive one, it isn't exactly the one I asked for. I'm not trying to be ungrateful here. This isn't about not getting the right pair of chacha heels. The one I wanted had canvas drawers that only needed to be unfolded. This one has drawers that have to be constructed. Five of them.

Needless to say, due to stupid winter light and general frustration, we only got one drawer completed. The rest will happen as strength allows. In the meantime, no new organization for me.

FYI

I had a former student tell me that I really helped to shape the direction of her life when I taught her. It felt good for all of three seconds, then my mind started flooding me with the countless other students that I taught. I could have been a light for them too, but I wasn't. My happiness and the pride I felt was gone, replaced with guilt, shame, and a sense of failure.

That, oh brothers and sisters, is the depression in action. I know this isn't true, but it's what the chemicals do to me. My body tries to sustain this hell and any positive chemicals I produce are basically seen as unwelcome. And no, it isn't always like this, but on the days when it is, it's nasty.

Holidaze

Both Christmas and birthday went well. I got the stuff I wanted plus a few surprises. Our Christmas day movie was good. Overall, great holiday.

Reflection

Tomorrow is my 45th. This has been a weird year. I lost family, gained a new cat, was enlightened to some things that shifted the way I saw a situation, and spent a good deal of time uncomfortable and in pain. Seriously, I didn't enjoy this year when I had to deal with the reality of my body or situation.

When I got to escape all that shit, it was pretty great. I found a wonderful yarn guru, watched some great shows, discovered some awesome bands, and proved a couple of interesting points to myself.

Oh. I also called the cops on a man beating his wife and was called a  fat ugly cunt. I laughed and laughed when he said that and delivered what I felt was a beautiful retort.

I'm not the same person I was at the beginning of this year. I'm not sure what to do with that yet and not super positive I'll figure it out. I mean, let's face it, I haven't fixed my life in 45 years. I probably won't do it in this one either.

What would l like out of this new rotation around the sun?

1. More Chinese food. I didn't eat enough of that this year.

2. Peace and quiet. In fact, I think the theme for my life from now on is a more peaceful, quiet existence. This is kind of difficult with a young cat.

3. I have some private personal goals that I will not state, but I hope to stick to them.

4. The accomplishment of more acts of creativity.

Yule

My best friend and I wrote two Hallmark holiday movies today, well, the basic plots of them anyway. It was so fun. Then we sang a bunch of songs and watched holiday specials. It was a good start to the holiday.

I finished the baby's hat. It sucks. But I tried it on her and know how to fix it. It's good to be more confident about this stuff. Not sure when I'll start it again. Maybe tomorrow.

The Edge

When I was younger, my mom would sometimes drive us up to Lover's Leap on Sugarloaf Mountain. She wouldn't talk a lot on the way up there, she'd just drive around the winding access road and smoke. Her energy was always twitchy, but on these trips, I would find myself being extra nervous. I always assumed it was because I had some PSTD connected with heights and winding roads, but maybe there was more to it than that.

When we'd reach our destination, she would park the car and get out. She would order me to be quiet. Then she'd walk to the edge and just stand there for a while. I would never go near it because it scared me, so I never saw her expression. I have no idea what she was thinking about.

Maybe she was just trying to find some solitude. It's possible the view calmed her down in a way nothing else would. Maybe she found it romantic because people had died there together, or so the story goes. She was never much of the romantic type, but everyone has their kicks.

Was she thinking about jumping? Maybe. In my darker moments, I've considered it. Actually one of my ways to get me OUT of being suicidal is to think about jumping and those last moments when everything is just peaceful because you know soon it will end and there is not one damned thing you can do anymore. That kind of chemical release is usually enough to flood out the despair that got me to feeling suicidal anyway.

I would have never blamed my mom for ending her life. I never hold that against anyone. I do, however, take issue with the idea of her driving her small child up there with here and possibly killing herself.

This is how twisted my relationship was with my mother. I can actually SEE her doing that as a kind of dark revenge against me. Go up there with this burden of a kid she hated, jump off the cliff, and leave the kid to panic and try to fend for herself. Who knows who long I would have been up there before someone even found me.

God. If Mom was suicidal at the time, the perverse joy of my fear and suffering was probably enough to wash the despair out of her and help her to go on. The concept of my terror-filled wailing and vulnerability probably saved her countless times in the early days. 

Birthday Cake

My roommate got me a cake for my birthday! It was an early cake, but I'm cool with that. My birthday gets caught in everything else too so having it early makes things easier.

We're going super simple with the Christmas meal this year. It was so rough on Thanksgiving because of the stomach hell. We ended up tossing stuff out because we just couldn't finish it. When you think about the fact that we really scale down what we eat anyway, that's kind of amazing. We just didn't have the appetite for it.

Honestly, the stomach virus really did a number on us. I'm still not the same. I never feel normal now. I either feel just a little queasy or seriously hellishly queasy. It's been the same with my roommate.

Anyway, yeah, simple meal plans for the holiday. Hopefully those won't be foiled by more puking.

A Winter Goal

I went looking for some yarn I THOUGHT I had and didn't find it. In the process, I found a lot of other odds and ends of tangled up yarn that need to be used. I have a plan.

I have three projects set for my next few weeks. One of them might be shelved because it's just sort of a whim thing anyway. Two of them need to happen, but past that, all effort will be going toward Operation: Deal with this Yarn.

A while back, I started a ten stitch blanket and didn't finish it. I know where it is and once I'm finished with the current projects, all effort will be toward getting that blanket finished with the odds and ends of yarn. I want things to be useful and functional, not just sitting around collecting dust for years and years. I mean, I have a whole other box of yarn I've not even looked at yet because I have so much in here I can't add it to the piles.

Decluttered

Ahhhhhh!! My desk organizer is now on my desk. There is a drawer for my random stuff, my art stuff, and my keys/glasses/phone. I have a clean space in front of it. Nothing is falling. It is SO glorious.

This area annoyed me every day. Things always fell. Things were always lost. It was always a mess, no matter how much I tried to straighten it up. It's like this almost purry happiness I have right now.

Seriously, if you can isolate an area of your life that constantly annoys you and you find a way to fix it, it does wonders to your mood. YAY!!

Finished

I mean, seriously, it did turn out really cute. I'm so pleased with the way the pattern worked. It's a delightfully adorable hat. YAY!

Cute Hat

I don't know why I didn't post last night. I started kind of over on my current knitting project and reworked it to where it made more sense. Now I'm almost to the point of finishing it. It's super cute but I'm not sure if it will fit right. You know, the usual stuff.

We're getting closer to my birthday. I'm thinking I should maybe try to mark that in the blog somehow. Not sure how though, not yet.

Reminders

After I wrote my post, I realized that one of the reasons I was so emotional yesterday was because it was my grandfather's birthday. It was also my great-grandmother's birthday, my cousin's birthday, and the birthday of one of my friends. Now only two of those people are left.

Getting older is weird. I don't feel like I've lost my looks or whatever. Can't lose what you never had! No, for me it's like I just feel this enormity of the years. So much change around me, so very little change in my own life. I just feel buried under all of it.

I've mentioned this before, but I really dislike December.

AND We're Back

Bah! My SAD (seasonal affect disorder) is so bad today. Yesterday was nice but today I've basically been on the verge of tears. And I hate my new hat.

Anyway, I'm trying my best to handle it. Hopefully it'll even out soon.

A Good Day

The depression wasn't so bad today! I think it helped that I spent most of the day knitting and focused on my count. Numbers save me, who would have thought?

I considered putting another color into the hat, but nothing I have really worked with my yarn. My roommate, who has a better eye for color than I do, pointed out that everything that didn't clash would blend in so much it wouldn't be worth the effort. Oh well.

The important thing is that I'm writing this and feeling good about it.

Plans and Corrections

Today I self-corrected the mistakes I was making on a knitting project. At least, I THINK I corrected them. The numbers were where they needed to be by the time I finished my row, so hopefully it's fixed. 

I also remeasured my noggin because, despite math, my hats have still been a bit loose. I think I fixed that we well, though we really won't know until I'm finished. We'll see.

Today we went shopping and into town for a couple of last minute holiday things. My sister-in-law also called to confirm the 24th as our night for celebrating. I'm not sure how that will go because my brother will be arriving in town that evening from like a ten hour drive. He may be grumpy and annoyed the whole time. We'll see.

Christmas Practicality

I found an organizer that sits under my monitor. It has three drawers and it's going to solve the most annoying thing about my day.

Even though I try my hardest to declutter the computer desk, I'm always pulling things back to it. This stuff gets jumbled and twisted up and falls. It drives me crazy.

By Christmastime, this won't be a problem anymore. I'll have three compartments to organize my stuff. I've even made a little chart about what will go where. I'm so excited. I'm not being sarcastic about that ever. This is awesome.

Not So Special

Normally I love most things RuPaul does, but I was disappointed with the holiday special. Instead of being something fun and campy, it was just a really scripted hour-long commercial for Ru's new holiday album. So annoying.

Look, I have nothing against Ru's level of promotion. It's taken the Queen this far and will continue to do so, but I wish they'd been more upfront about what this special was supposed to be. This was kind of like thinking you've gotten a card in the mail and when you open it, it's just some bait and switch of a company trying to sell you insurance.

I Fell on Black Days

Yeah the depression is hitting hard. I spent quite a lot of last night trying to justify existence and today I finished a project and could only see the flaws. The animosity my mental state causes over all of my creations is one of the many reasons I never had children. I was terrified I'd just hate them as an extension of the seething anger my depression causes in all things connected to me.

I really should have expected this. I basically drained my whole system of happy meds during the worst part of the virus. It will probably take me a month or so to build back my resistance.

Tactics

Tomorrow will make two weeks since I got the virus. I'm glad I'm better, though I'm by no means 100%. Things are still weird for both of us. It doesn't feel like December at all.

I have stuff to watch but my mind doesn't want to go there. This means my depression is trying to kick back in, which I suppose isn't all that shocking. I'll try to stave it off by thinking about historic conquest.

Battle Music

I'm really into folky/battle/various cultures metal right now. It's suiting my current mood and my growing obsession with another historic warrior. (As you know, I've already gone through this with Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar).

Anyway, I'm really enjoying the new playlist. I listen to it while I knit, which is some serious contrast I'm sure.

Reboots and the Princesses of Power

I learned my lesson about hostility over reboots with Star Wars: Rebels. I was angry about this show. Disney bought Star Wars, killed Clone Wars, and announced they would start their own show. I felt like they were some asshole male lion who took over a pride and killed all the lion cubs so the females would go back in heat. It pissed me off and for years, in fact, until the show had ended, I refused to watch it. Then I decided to trust my roommate about how good it was and now I rank it as one of the best shows I've ever seen.

After that, I vowed to keep an open mind about reboots. In some cases, there has been disappointment and annoyance (Teen Titans Go!), but in other cases, I've been very happy with the results. This was basically my feeling going into the whole She-Ra situation.

For a show that I don't know that many people watched or even thought that much about, people have been ANGRY about the She-Ra reboot. They hate the art. They hate the redesigns. They hate all of it. People vowed it was the worst show ever and questioned anyone who said anything positive about it. Articles ranted about. People scream that it's stripping all femininity out of cartoons. Anyone who likes it is lying and ONLY saying so because they're liberal and too blind to accept how bad this is.

Despite all of this, I tried to keep an open mind. Unlike a lot of people, I actually did watch She-Ra when I was younger. I was interested to see what a reboot would be like.

This wasn't like the most important thing on my mind. I've been sick and distracted and basically forgot the show had started. Then I read an article about Entrapta and got all excited about it.

I'd actually had an Entrapta action figure when I was younger. I liked the character's design, though they never did all that much with her on the show (that I remember, it's been a long time). The reboot of her sounded amazing. With that in mind, I started watching.

As much as I wanted to keep an open mind, the barrage of complaints about the show kept running through my thoughts. The show was an attack on any kind of gender. The show pushed agendas. The show was poorly written. The show tried to push political ideals over substance.

I really didn't find any of that to be the case. Now, keep in mind, I'm admittedly rather liberal myself about things, but at the same time, I'm also a consumer of media and get highly annoyed when I feel I'm being preached to. Trust me, I would have picked up on this. Actually, I found the opposite to be true.

Instead of pushing an agenda, the show structured certain aspects of the world to just be the culture of that world and then don't call attention to it. This is an alien world with other ideas about sexuality and gender roles. Do you see same-sex couples? Yes. But in this world, that is common. No one remarks on it. Netossa and Spinnerella may be in a relationship, but it is far less remarked on than the relationship between SeaHawk and Mermista because it isn't a plot point. An agenda is being pushed when characters are stepping outside of the plot to discuss how wonderful the idea being pushed is. That doesn't happen here. It's just part of their culture.

Speaking of Spinnerella, she is part of another major complaint about the show. She, along with Glimmer, Frosta, and Scorpia, all have larger than usual body shapes. People complained that the show was sacrificing the integrity of the original characters to promote an agenda of fat acceptance. Again, no one remarked on any of these people looking different. No agenda was being preached. In fact, what is remarkable about the cartoon is that you don't see any two people with the same body shape. Even background characters are shorter or taller, rounder, thinner, more square, or whatever, just as people really are in life. To me, the fact that we get characters with various body shapes added to the art. It didn't take away from it.

I also take issue with the idea that these characters are fat.  Okay, Glimmer is chunky and pear-shaped. However, there are a lot of teen girls who look just like this for a while. When we meet her aunt, we see the shape she'll probably have when she's fully grown.....thicker, but clearly healthy. To me, Spinnerella looks more like a softball player and as for Scorpia, I'm guessing that's just how her people are built to handle the tail.

Are body types mentioned? Yes. But in this case, they are mentioned as a plot point. When Catra is recruiting Entrapta, she comments that Adora and the others seem to be more comfortable with people who look more like what we would consider humans. It's actually a valid point and one I hope gets addressed in later seasons. On Etheria, it seems the more you stray into an animistic form, the less acceptance you have.

Catra was another anger point people had with the show because she is more of a catgirl than a woman in a mask like she was in the original. I got over this quickly because Catra is honestly the best character on the show. Her relationship with Adora is complex and nuanced. In many instances, she's in the right about the whole thing. Her reasons for doing what she does are clear and rational. Her motivations aren't just 'oh I do this because I'm evil.' I found myself cheering her successes as much as I did those of the other side because her plans are usually great. I don't want Catra punished or harmed. I want her and Adora to find common ground.

In fact, Catra is really the character that let me see where this shows biggest influences were coming from. Since the first She-Ra aired, we've had decades of anime. We've gone from the typical Magical Girl trope to people who wrote about it, rewrote the structure of it, and redefined what it means. We've also had a great deal of anime that played with gender roles, sexuality, ships, and the deeply delightful energy between foes. This kind of influence leads to NO scene between Adora and Catra being boring. In fact, their story just gets better as the season progresses.

Relationships are the fulcrum of this show. Adora struggles with guilt over doing the right thing by leaving the Hoard, while knowing that meant she left Catra and to a lesser extent Shadoweaver (there is a great deal of sadness in her voice when she talks about Shadoweaver being the only mom she ever knew). Adora, Bow, and Glimmer constantly learn about how to function as friends. Catra grows stronger due to the complete acceptance she gets from Scorpia and gives to Entrapta.

Aside from Adora and Catra, the best relationship on the show is between Glimmer and her mother Angella. One of the foundational events that happened before the show surrounds the death of Glimmer's father Micah. He was killed in an early battle against the Hoard and his death basically fractured any alliance between the various lands. Angella has been mourning him ever since and is overprotective of their only child because of it. Glimmer also mourns her father but does so by pushing the idea of fighting against the people who killed him and avenging his death. This causes a great deal of conflict between mother and daughter until they come to an understanding about it. It isn't an easily resolved situation. It requires both of them learning and growing.

The show does relationships right. It does character growth right. People fail. People make mistakes. People make mistakes that have consequences for episodes to come, perhaps for seasons to come. They recognize these mistakes and try to move on from them. No one is perfect and nothing is just black and white. The fact that I am just as concerned about what happens to the people Catra commands as I am to the princess alliance says a lot about how well they are developing these characters.

Look, I still get that this show won't be for everyone. Sometimes reboots just don't sit well with others. Even as open as I try to be about things, I STILL refuse to watch any version of The Grinch except for the cartoon. However, in this case, I am MORE than pleased that I let myself watch the reboot. I loved this and I'm looking forward to the next season.