End of the Month

The end of the month is here. I spent the last day in my game, trying to get a gov kill and losing my cool as some jackwagon took them over and over again. He finally left like 30 minutes before the clock ran out and I was able to get what I needed. I wonder if these people realize how pathetic they come off when they do stuff like that. I mean, he wasn't even getting rewards off of it at that point. He was just doing it to be an ass.

Anyway, my male persona in this game is a bit mouthy. He told the guy what he thought of him. I'm sure I'll pay for that in virtual asskickings, but what was said needed to be said.

Neighborhood Shenanigans

There is a house diagonal from ours that basically looks like ours. No one has been in it for a few years and we assume it's pretty screwed up inside. I also assume the neighborhood cats stay in there when it gets really cold and eat whatever vermin happens to be lurking.

Today we saw people trying to break into it. We had our doubts about it being someone connected to the owners because we basically know their cars. These people just walked up from the street.

We called the owners and told them. The weird thing is that, while they confirmed no one was authorized to be in there, they never showed up to check it out.  As of now, I have no idea what's up with that.

Cold Monday Blues

When I walked outside this morning, I was hit by some very sharp and painful cold wind. It was the kind of wind that chills you instantly. I certainly did not want to be out in THAT any longer than I had to.

We ended up having to set the water drips early tonight. It's that time of year where our pipes could freeze and dealing with drips just becomes a fact of our lives. I try not to focus on it. I wish the house was updated enough to where this wasn't needed.

I'm in a pretty dark mood. I'm not even sure why.

Last Weekend of the Month

I have survived almost all of January. We have a few days left and then the month is over. It's been cold and neither of us has felt that well, but we survived without major illness or trips to the hospital. Yay.

The new game is still going well. I'm doing better than I did the first time around, mostly because everyone leaves me alone. Admittedly, it also helps that I have knowledge of what to avoid. Other than that, things are pretty smooth.

Cat Protest

Tinkerbell continues her objections to Camilla. Any time Millie tries to go near her, Tink invents new and increasingly horrible sounds of protest. Millie seems to think Old Lady Cat is fascinating and tries her best to go near her as much as possible . . . much to our amusement/irritation.

I never noticed how still Tink can get until we got the new cat. Now she can shape herself into this ball of discontent and stare at Millie for hours. She doesn't move. She doesn't even twitch her whiskers. She just stares hatefully at the kitten as she scampers along.

I'm not sure how long this will continue. One would think that Tink, as the most recent addition to the house, would have sympathy for a newer cat. NOPE. She acts like she's Fancy Always Been Indoors and the new cat is just some trash we'll get rid of as soon as we understand how annoyed she is.

Miss Tink is going to be very disappointed.

So Tired

The weather is fluctuating a lot. It's making it hard to get a good, solid night of sleep because when the humidity changes, I wake up and have to alter the humidity level on my CPAP. I really wish I had one that would self-adjust, but I do not. Honestly, I'm not even sure if they make those.

Anyway, that left me draggy all day. I'll probably be in bed early tonight. Hopefully it won't be a repeat of last night.

Orange Cats

My roommate and I have had an on-going discussion about how we never see female orange cats. I got curious as to why this was and did some research. This cute little article explains it pretty well.

Cat coloration is very complex. There are a lot of combinations that can happen, which makes sense when you consider there is not only color involved but also fur type, patterns, and density. Cat variations have always been something I loved to look at, one of the many things about those creatures that makes me adore them.

Anyway, the reason why it's more likely for you to find a male orange cat than a female one has to do with gene inheritance. For a cat to be orange, every X chromosome it has needs to have inherited the code for orange. In a male cat, this means it only needs one, as they only have one X. In a female cat, she needs to have two. Female cats who are orange, tortoiseshell, or calico can yield an orange gene, but only male orange cats can.

The article is, like I said, informative and pretty cute. If you're interested in cat genes, it's a fun little read. And, as always, the internet has educated me.

Far Less Warm

Our warm weather is gone. It started cooling down again this morning and by the afternoon it was pretty uncomfortable. It was nice to have on shorts while I could, but I'm happy those nasty storms are gone.

The roommate and I ended up in the nearby small city today. We opted to eat at a place we'd never been before. It took us a while to find it because we were given vague directions, those directions were told to a directionally clueless person (me), it was dark, and the landmark we were supposed to find wasn't visible from the road.

Despite all of that, we still managed to get there. We managed to keep level(ish) heads in the process and weirdly I think I could find it again, despite all of the above-mentioned items.

I started playing my game again on a different server. I elected to present as a male player this time and it's so much easier. No one talks to me unless they need something. It's freaking great!

Warm

Today it warmed up, possibly more than it should have. It stormed and we were under a tornado watch for a while. It was muggy. Honestly, though, I did not care. I've been freezing for days and this was a break from it. I took advantage of this.

For one thing, I showered for a nice, long time. It's been so cold in my bathroom that showers have been quick and practical. I would just get myself as clean as possible and hope that in the meantime, I didn't damage my skin more than I already had. Today, I was able to take a longer shower, let my body relax, and do a hair mask. It was wonderful.

I'm also in shorts and have nothing on my feet. I'm a naked foot kind of person and having to wear socks and slippers for days and days was really getting to me. My toes are still rather battered from the chilblains, but at least they're healing. I lotioned them and let them just be free for a while.

This is the most human I've felt in weeks.

Mask from the Recent Past

I realized today that I never talked about a certain odd experience I had over the holidays. In my stocking, my step-mother had given me one of those face masks that are so popular right now. I was seriously excited about this because I'd heard good things. In fact, I think this mask was one of the things I was most excited about because I'd had no idea I'd get it.

Unfortunately, I think I screwed it up. Later on, I found out that people usually put these in the fridge for a while before they use them. There is a certain level of cool temp that helps the mask do what it's supposed to do.

I um....left mine on top of my computer......

By the time I opened it, its various slimes and juices were rather loose. I had trouble getting it to stay in one direction and ended up ripping part of it as it went onto my face. Oh, I also managed to get slime everywhere in the process.

Even if I'd left it in the fridge, I'm not sure if I would have liked it any better. I hated the way it felt on my face. For one thing, it was freezing cold and whatever various herbs and spices it started to sting me. I felt twitchy and uncomfortable the whole time. My head was at a weird angle and it smelled like I had some kind of slime-covered organic hippie salad on my face. I held on as long as I could, then peeled the thing off.

As near as I could tell, it did no good.

All in all, it was a pretty awful experience. I'm not saying I'd never do another mask though. After all, I didn't do this one properly and it wasn't one of my choosing. I'm not sure what this one was supposed to accomplish (besides stinging me) so I'm not sure if there were results or not. However, if the next mask I do is as awful as this one, that is certainly the end of it for me.

You

I was watching an interview with the queens from Rupaul's All Stars Season 3. One of the questions they were asked was advice they would give to younger people. They said various things, but it boiled down to a fundamental point. "Find your tribe, but depend on yourself the most when it comes to loving you."

I wish, as a society, this was taught more. Love you. Love who you are, the good, the bad, the flawed, the horrible. Work on improvement, yes, but don't deny yourself love because you're not where you need to be yet.

I read about so many people who seem to be lonely. They want lovers. They want friends. They want companionship. I just wish these people would realize that we can never truly rely on anyone else to fulfill us. It isn't that other people are awful or selfish (though, yeah, some of them are), it's that other people are PEOPLE, with their own pain and their own struggles and their own very finite energy.

You have to love you. You have to sooth you. You have to find ways to keep you interested. You have to find moments of joy.

The main problem with trying to find someone else to make you happy is that while you're searching for them, you're often not seeing everything else. You're not hearing the songs in your head. You're not thinking about the feel of your own skin. Stop. Focus on what is happening around you right now.

You're amazing, but you don't need me to tell you that. You need to tell you that. You need to believe that. You need to love who you are and find peace within yourself. Find contentment in your life.

Oh, and yes, I need to do this too. We all do.

Ache

Bah, this is one of those nights where all of it hurts. My sinuses are killing me. It's making my ear ache. My back is protesting, though honestly not as much as my shoulders. Stupid shoulder pain.

Camilla is obsessed with Tinkerbell. She's lounging in my clean clothes at the moment, positioned to where she can watch Tink but kind of out of Tink's line of sight. When Tink sees her, she yowls in protest. No idea how long that is going to continue. I'm hoping they'll soon both forget there was every a BEFORE they lived together and just be sisters.

I still really miss Rowan and Rhiannon. Millie plays with some of the toys they played with as kittens and it gets to me every time I see her with them. When Rowan was little, there was this one toy she would drag around, rather unsuccessfully. Millie likes to play with it too. And now I'm teary.

That could be from the sinus ick though.

Catharsis

I've always been very mesmerized by the ability of musicians to capture the painful, desperate, and exhausting moments of life in such a beautiful way. I think I find songs about drugs and suicide fascinating because they have this way to capture those moments of pure relief that someone would feel in those moments when the drug kicks in or when it's too late to stop death from coming. In this case, with this song, the last verse does this. It gives you this rush of peace and relief when you know the jumper is beyond the capacity to stop. No more decisions can be made and that, in its own way, is a relief.

My falling shape will draw a line
Between the blue of sea and sky
I'm not a bird, I'm not a plane

I took a taxi to the Gate
I will not go to school again
Four seconds was the longest wait

Some people think songs like this encourage the behaviors they describe. I tend to disagree. Art is catharsis. You can experience the rush of emotions without having to really go through the act. Someone in the comments talked about how this band has, at points, saved their lives. We all have bands like that. Often it's their most painful songs that pull us through our darkest moments. It's how we process and move forward.

Cold

Brah, it was 12 degrees this morning and I had to be out in it. Madness! It's not a lot warmer now, but at least it's some better. Dang though, that was bad.  At least Blair heats up well. By the time I got to where I was going, I wasn't frozen. I thought a lot about how bad things could have gotten if I blew I tire or something though. Kinda not liking that winter decided to take itself seriously.

I'm leaving the game I've been playing for a while. Things are falling apart in the Guild and in private messages, things got weird with some people. It's the third time this has happened in this game. I'm sure given the constant comments I hear from everyone, the fact that I'm removing myself from the situation will make them all shit-happy, but on a personal note, it pisses me off that I'm walking because things got weird and not because I felt it was really time to go. Oh well.

I also found out that GRRM wrote another short story set in the ASOIAF world and I . . .  just kind of don't care. That's actually several shorts he's written while not writing the last books and I'm finding I'm rather over it.

I may or may not go outside tomorrow. It is seriously that cold.

Reaching Out

In honor of a day that is set aside to celebrate people who have tried to make a difference in improving the human condition, I'd like to talk about Mark Ashton. Mark was a gay activist during the early '80s who realized that human rights can't just be fought for one group by one group. Everyone has to use what energy they have, when they have it, to stand up for everyone who is being oppressed.

During the very cruel miner's strikes of Thatcher's time in office, there were communities where the miners had nothing. No food, barely any heat. They were dependent on donations to stay alive. Ashton started a movement within the gay and lesbian activist community to take up donations for the miners.

Their donations were not met with a complete welcome by the mining community, and yet they persisted. They helped to make a difference and in turn, when the next Pride parade happened, the miners came to march with them.

Ashton has been honored in a lot of ways. There is a movie about his support with the miners, called Pride. The Mark Ashton Trust, created in his memory, is part of a larger HIV trust in England to help support people living with HIV. The Communards wrote a song for him called "For a Friend." The film Jean Genet is Dead is dedicated to his memory.

I see so much anger these days. People scream at each other, ban each other, shame each other, and constantly argue about things. They demand. They cajole. They whine. They think they are making a difference but the truth is, any difference you make with negativity is always going to be a shitty difference.

Mark Ashton started out his legacy by holding up a bucket and asking people to drop their spare change into it. He knew that one person's meaningly pocket change, when combined with that of a lot of others, could make a world of difference in the lives of people who had nothing.

People like Martin Luther King Jr and Mark Ashton didn't scream at others. They didn't snarl or send out angry internet mobs. They reached out. They stood firm on their ideas, but they also embraced the concept that we are human, all worthy of dignity, all worthy of safety, all worthy of life. If you really want to make a difference in this world, then try for something positive. Reach out to people who need you. Be a friend. Talk to someone. Look for understanding. Have some faith in the good. See where it takes you.

End of the Weekend

It's supposed to get super cold over the next few days. I finished up a wrap I've had in the 'almost finished' stage for quite a while. I'll wear it around for tomorrow and Tuesday in hope of staying warm. With weather like this, you do what you have to.

It's looking less likely that my Guild will survive for long. I'm seeing fewer people every day. It doesn't surprise me, but it does make me a little sad. I really had fun with this game and these people, but after a while, all FB games start to get boring.

The little carrier I have for my phone is starting to look shabby. Think I'll make a new one.

The Transition Period

This is the first day Millie didn't leave the house. Last night she slept on my roommate's bed and today she wandered around, got into things, and caused some chaos. It's something we have to be patient about. She's still a kitten. This means she will probably adapt to us easier than the grumpy old adult cats did, but at the same time, she's going to run around and get into things.

One of the things Millie likes the most is the older cat. Tinkerbell is still not happy about it. In fact, I suspect Tink is sad. I think she's worried she'll get overlooked for the new cat and that is not the case. I would reassure her if I could, but she doesn't like me. My roommate is doing all he can, but she's also pretty pissed off right now and can get growly at him when she remembers he's the one who let Millie into the house.

Assuming Millie decides to really stay, this could mean my household is going through a new transition. Instead of being two middle-aged people and one old cat we will be two middle-aged people, one old cat, and one very much younger cat. It's like we'd only somewhat accepted the idea of being just two people and one cat after losing my babies, Rhiannon and Rowan, last year. Now we have this possible new kitty in our lives. We'll see how it goes.

Winter Decisions

I want to start out by saying that I'm NOT bragging about how clever and wonderful I am here. Was I clever and wonderful, I would have been prepping for cold weather months ago. I did not do this. This was all last minute stuff that happened because I was already cold. So this isn't about me being great, this is about the stuff I got to help bring great.

Anyway, I was cold. Freezing, in fact. I decided I needed to get some items to help me through the winter because my house is over 100 yrs old, drafty, and built over the soul of a frost giant. The floors get so cold that I get chilblains on my toes. Sometimes I get them on my fingers as well, but that takes actually being out in the freezing ice.

To handle the floor issue, I asked my roommate to pick me up some slippers. I have some already but they weren't warm enough. I wanted something big and thick and capable of keeping my feet protected from these awful floors. With this in mind, he didn't even bother with women's slippers. He got me these thick, warm, amazingly cozy houseshoes that look like they would be worn by Elmer Fudd. In fact, I call them my 'fudds' and I adore them. For the first time all winter, my feet are warm.

I also ordered a set of longjohns to wear under my clothes. This is certainly helpful when I'm having to leave the house or wait outside for a while. Keeping my legs warm goes quite a long way towards keeping the rest of me warm.

Finally, it can get really cold to work on a computer in weather like this. I tried to just cover my torso with a blanket, but that was cumbersome. Then I remembered I had a cloak I could wrap around me. Now I have a warm torso, but better movement of my arms. When my hands aren't busy with the keyboard or mouse, they can just be resting warmly under the cloak.

And, as always, I have one of my wonkily made hats.

Kitty Evolution

Camilla isn't completely a housecat yet and I have to accept the fact that she may never be. However, things are evolving quickly with her. She will use the litter box and seems interested in affection from the roommate and me. She'll sit on my ottoman for a while and allow me to pet her. I think she wants to nap there, but the noise in the room and the number of people keep her from it. Kittydozing is about as good as it gets for now.

In an amusing side note, Tinkerbelle is acting odd. She still wants nothing to do with me, but she does find a sudden interest in any place (besides by me) where Millie sits or any toy she plays with. That is actually rather cute to watch.

First 2018 Appointments

I went to the doctor this morning. We discussed the fact that the new happy med was NOT so happy. It was making me feel drunk and nauseated. I don't care how much it took away my pain, that wasn't worth it. I opted to go back on the old happy med because at least I know what it does.

I also had bloodwork done. Ol Boy who does the blood work was dressed like Santa Claus even though, ya know, it's well past Christmas. Just for the hell of it, I opted NOT to address this fact, because that actually made it funnier. Santa Claus stickin needles in me!

Later I went to therapy. We've not settled on any 2018 goals for me yet. Instead, we discussed my holiday, the med situation, and some other odd things that are going on. I'm tired, but I'm glad all of this is out of the way.

How They Win

On one of my private FB groups, there was a post and a man not in the group somehow found out about it and started harassing the two women who spoke about him. Now, this is a private group, so clearly there was a leak. People got angry about this, but I really don't think any of the women in the group told him.

More than likely, this man got on one of those women's computers or phones and started reading their FB details. It was probably a woman he'd decided to target next and what better way to do it than to make all the women around her believe she'd betrayed them?

It's a common tactic with abusers. If you meet someone and they start criticizing the people around you, your friends and family, or setting up tension between you and those people, this is someone who is trying to isolate and abuse you. If this person manipulates situations to where mistrust forms between you and others, this person is trying to isolate and abuse you.

IF someone truly wants the best for you, they want you to have friends. They want you to have activities. They want you to be around the people you love. They want you to have a full and happy life outside of them. If they don't, well, again, they're trying to isolate and abuse you.

Don't fall for it.

Moving Forward

When I switched into the Guild I'm in now, one of the people who impressed me the most was a person I assumed was a woman because they were playing a girl character. This person was very smart and funny, savvy with the game, and quite ambitious about winning. I thought all of this was neat and because I assumed it was a girl behind the toon, I trusted this person.

One should never make assumptions, of course. Turns out the person behind the toon was a guy about my age. Despite my usual hesitation, I kept on with the friendship because we gelled pretty well. We even became FB friends. In the game, we were the closest of allies.

With an ally, there are things you tolerate or even kind of ignore. I ignored the high level of competitiveness in the same way he chose to ignore my lackadaisical approach to things. I'm sure we both had any number of traits that annoyed the other because it didn't matter. We played a game as allies, that was the goal.

A couple of days ago, out of nowhere, he announced that he would be leaving the game. He was sick of it. I told him I understood. I get sick of games and basically everything else after a while too. He was our strongest player and his second character was probably our 5th strongest player. Losing him means we'll be losing Guild Battle more often.

The thing is, I've been playing for two days since then and instead of feeling this sense of loss, I just feel less pressure. Big ambitious players can be helpful, but they also tend to want everyone else to be that way too (though, again, he never said that to me), but at the same time, want all the goodies to go to them first. It's easier to get resources now, for instance. I gained three vital things it would have taken me longer to get with someone that competitive around.

We lost guild battle tonight, but just kind of laughed it off. There were only three of us playing at the moment and it was funny how the Basket kept spending coupons to revive their characters. It's like they didn't notice we weren't actually going to win.

When I was younger, it upset me that people kept leaving me. I toughened up about though. You just move on. In games, in life, in any situation, when someone leaves, even if they were someone pretty vital to the situation, you just move forward. There are always going to be benefits to them being gone if you look for them. Even if it was someone you liked, there are still benefits. Moving forward is an important skill and I'm glad I have it.

First Friday

We made it through the first work week of the new year. My roommate had an issue with a company that is supposed to do a service but somehow seems incapable of doing so. Speaking of companies that seem incapable of doing their jobs, I'd like to document that the cable has blipped out almost every day this week. That's something no one needs. I like a steady flow of my sweet, sweet internet.

Anyway, I did a Random 30 on Facebook. Thought I'd post it here too.

30 Random Facts

1. Do you make your bed every day? Ffffff. Hahahaha. NOPE.
2. What's your favorite number? 4 and it always has been. I like 8 too because she is four's double and closest ally.
3. What is your favorite color? Red. And yes, I love red fours the most.
4. If you could, would you go back to school? Oh always.
5. Can you parallel park? They invented technology so people don't have to do that anymore.
6. Name a job you had which people would be shocked to know you have had: child tender.
7. Do you think aliens exist? I do. I also assume they want nothing to do with us.
8. Can you drive a stick shift? Again, they have tech so people don't have to do this.
9. Guilty pleasure? A show called Hot T where drag queens laugh about celebrity gossip.
10. Favorite childhood game? Monopoly.
11. Do you talk to yourself? Best company.
12. Do you like doing puzzles? Love them.
13. Favorite music? Usually something that's at least 30 years old . . . however, I do find good newer bands all the time. However again, most of them sound like they're 30 yr old bands.
14. Coffee or tea? Both, really.
15. The first thing you remember you wanted to be when you grew up? Playwright
16. Favorite Season? Fall. We're past the evils of summer heat and not to the evils of bitter winter cold.
17. Truck or Car? Car
18. Steak or salad? Both
19. Cat or dog? Both
20. The most influential person from your childhood? A writer and I later found out said writer was a pedophile. This really messes with me.
21. Crafty or all thumbs? Crafty
22. Biggest fear? Drowning. I have trouble even doing underwater levels in video games. It's strange because I love swimming.
23. Pessimist or optimist? Neither.
24. Favorite Holiday? Halloween
25. Mountains or ocean? Ocean
26. People person? It's not that I hate people, I just hate their emotions, opinions, thoughts, actions, and drama.
27. White milk or Dark chocolate? Milk. I'm kind of over dark chocolate.
28. Do you like to cook? I do but I'm not the primary cook in my home. I like discussing recipes though.
29. Night owl or morning person? Night owl 100%
30. Flannel sheets in the winter? No. How did we come back to a question about beds?

The Uncracked View

Blair's windshield is fixed! This only took me over a year to do!

Honestly, I have no idea why I was so scared about getting the windshield replaced. It cost me my Christmas/birthday money, but that's fine. The windshield was starting to make some seriously scary noises. It was less horrifically cold today than it has been. It still isn't pleasant, but that violent edge to the cold was gone. This is a very good thing.

Anyway, that's all that went down the last two days.

Damage

I'm not mistaken, I think the weatherman said we'd been under freezing for about 80 hours now. It's pretty awful. I'm cold. The roommate is cold. The cat is cold. Stray cat spent the night inside again.

Actually, she isn't even a stray. She belongs to Old Drunk Neighbor who had to move in with his even older parents for who knows why. They wouldn't let him keep her inside so she wandered the neighborhood. He's gone for weeks at a time so she never has any support from him. Her name is Millie, but if she becomes our cat full time, I've decided her name is really Camilla.

Right now I'm hoping she'll forget about him and about being an outside cat and just stay in with us. I tried not to get attached to her, but I have. I wish addicts, flakes, and people with anger management issues would stop trying to have pets . . . or children  . . . or lovers . . . or friends, really. People with those issues should just concentrate on either feeding their monsters or getting rid of them and leave everyone else alone. No one deserves your damage.

Speaking of damage, and of the cold, I'm trying to loom up some footwarmers. They wouldn't really be socks because socks are more complex than when I'm doing here. This is just an added layer of protection to maybe help me from getting more chilblains. Right now my toes look pretty bad.

It's supposed to be slightly warmer tomorrow. A big ol' 30 or so!! I'm looking forward to that.

2018

It was super cold last night, so cold that one of the stray cats decided it was better to stay inside with us and sleep on my roommate's clothes. She left again this morning, but was back by the time we got home. She might become an indoor cat but we're not sure yet. There is an old Irish proverb, "It is in the shelter of others that people live." My roommate extends this to not just people, but all living things. One of his wishes for the new year was that people take care of the strays, and not just the animal ones. I hope that we all do.

Do I have goals for this year? Dude, just survival, I swear! My 40s have been kind of like falling down a hill and hitting every bump along the way. I'm kind of running on nothing right now and hoping just to survive the year with no more deaths of me or mine. I am literally terrified at the start of the new year because so many bad things have happened during this time for so many years in a row. I just need some good stuff to happen so I can feel secure enough to do stuff like setting goals.

Goals are a privilege. One I hope to have again at some point, yes, but not one I have right now. Let's just hope 2018 is an okay year where my luck runs more good than bad.