Hands

I have my mother's hands. Well, no, that's not exactly correct. I have hands that are shaped like my mother's, when, of course, my hands are looking thin. As a child, I always loved this. Well, for a while anyway. Before I knew it was better to keep certain things to myself, even the good things, I went to my mom and remarked about how great it was that our hands were the same.  She laughed. She begged to differ, far more than just a little bit.

She told me our hands were nothing alike. She pointed out how her hands were rough and knobby. She noted the scars and off colored places, areas where her hands had been burned by oil or by pops of electricity from whatever factory job she was working at the time. She noted her many calloused areas and the deep dips between her fingers, like valleys, worn down from years of work.  I did not work, she reminded me, with a voice full of both pride and bitterness. My hands were soft, pampered, and unmarked.

Then my mother told me she hated my hands.

Which, okay, as an adult, I'm fully aware that she wasn't really talking about ME so much as being resentful and angry about her life. She resented the level of work she had to do, that no other adult seemed to be willing to stay around to help her. She resented that she had to start working this hard as a child and that the beauty she once had faded in the face of constant struggle. This was about her pain and her inability to properly express it.

However, while I can rationalize and understand why she said this, my mother still told me she hated my hands.

She hated my softness. She hated my laziness. She hated what she saw as vanity in terms of handling myself. Because while I was fat and lazy, I was also vain and too full of my own appearance. She would snap at me when I asked for a cuter outfit. This is all I can afford and you're fat anyway so it's even more expensive. When I got old enough to wear makeup, she mocked that. She rolled her eyes at it. She, a painter, could not understand the artistry of what I was trying to learn to do. It was just vanity and softness.

I'm in my 40s and for the most part, my hands are still soft. I never took her route of work. I never allowed myself to be run down the way she would allow. I lotion my hands and exfoliate them. My left hand is tattooed with a flower and even though I had this done years ago, I still love it and look at it with happiness.

I can read palms. One of the most uplifting moments in my life was when I realized the palm that reflects how I feel about myself was full of love. My mother never saw the worth of my hands, but I do. I know my hands are creative. I know my hands can spin string into toys and blankets. I know my hands can create illusions, emphasize my stories, make people laugh, and give comfort.

I sometimes wonder what my mother's palm would have said, though I'm sure I know. Short life, full of bitterness. It's sad, but as much as some of that was due to the decisions of others, much of it was her own doing.

So yes, my mother hated my hands. She hated that they were her hands, but ones set to other tasks and other futures. Ones linked to other choices and other company. She never saw their value, because it wasn't a value she respected. She didn't value their ability to link me to knowledge, to help with research, to entertain. She never acknowledged how they helped me through my own struggles. She never saw them covered in blood. She never saw them counting out change to see if I could afford food, she never saw them stained with ink. That isn't my loss, it's her loss. She never SAW her child. She never SAW the person she gave birth to, the person who made her a mother.

She never saw ME for me, being unapologetically me. She just saw that I represented things she never could and hated me for it because you cannot hate someone's hands without hating all of them.

When I was 9 and my mother was 28, she had to have surgery on her hands because she'd worn them down so badly she had nerve damage. From that time on, her weathered hands not only held all their other markings, but also those scars and some lingering pain because surgeries like that often don't go as well as hoped. I loved those scars. Because this is the irony of the whole matter. The flaws on my mother's flesh were beautiful to me. I loved her scars and her burn marks. I loved her wonky knuckles and brittle touch.

In fact, I remember her touch like I'm feeling it now. I remember the warmth of her and the rough texture of her skin. I loved her hands. I loved her. Despite her shit towards me, I loved her, because she was who she was. Even if I live to be 100, I will still remember the feel of my mother's hands and of course I will remember what they look like because of course they look like mine.

All of that is why I so very much love my own hands.

Oldness

This is one of those days where I looked really old. I'm not depressed about this. It's more of just a matter of fact and things I have to accept. The silver hair showing up on my head is a totally different kind of hair than my usual hair and they don't mix well. So there's kind of a chaotic party happening on my head right now.

My eyes also look really tired right now. Leaving on all the fans at night is making them irritated and dark. Oh. and I have a wrinkle on my forehead.  Not one of those fine line things. This is a deep thing that, like, a river carved out or something.

Like I said, I'm not really upset about it. I'm in my 40s and faces change. It just feels like a lot of stuff all at once.

Clueless

This time last year I was so clueless. I talked about things that didn't matter. I thought there was no way Trump would be president. I had my Ro and Rhi still. Now all of that is gone and it's hard. Yes, I realize I'm talking a lot about this, but it's been very difficult on me. The grief isn't leaving and I'm not sure when it will.

Other than that, today was pretty good. It never got overly hot and we ran the errands we needed to run.

False Alarm

The storms never came last night. That seems to be a theme around here. We have a lot of almost weather that never materializes. I have no idea why that is. We get the awful humidity, sure, but then none of the actual rain. I don't want the downed utilities, but I'd like my rain, please. It cooled down a little and that's nice, but we still need the rain.

My roommate and I were going over the schedule for paying bills for June and realized we'd have to pay the gas bill early. Normally we would have realized this a while back, but the bill came in about the same time that Rowan Cat passed and things just disappeared for both of us on a mental level. It's a slow climb back. I'm still spending my evening watching drag queens and shutting out the world.

I'll be happy for May to go. May has been a painful month for me. Painful and humid. Bad combo.

Just in Case

It's possible that it may storm tonight and if you read the blog, you know this means I may have power outages, internet outages, and scared cats. Just in case any of that happens, I'm writing this post early. I hope the storms do happen. It's been hot and awful all day. Humidity launched it all the way up to 99 degrees today. There may be a time during the summer when that won't seem so bad but right now that kept me in a pretty foul mood all day.

Speaking of foul moods, Nina Bonina Brown went home off of Drag Race this week. She started out strong but her negativity and paranoia got in her way. I'm not trying to say her depression wasn't a real issue. It certainly was. However, reality shows are not the place to get therapy. You go on a reality show to win and to showcase your talents. Nina is a very talented queen, but unfortunately, that isn't the impression she's going to leave with most people.

I know I'll never be on a reality show, but I also know, from years of watching them, that there are certain things you should do to prepare if you DO plan to audition. Before you ever submit an audition tape, take some classes. If you want to go on Survivor, know how to swim, know how to climb, know how to build fires, know how to fish, know how to cook rice, know how to untie different kinds of knots, and know how to solve puzzles. If you're going on Amazing Race, you need to know how to drive a stick shift, how to read a map, how to swim, how to dive deep and stay underwater for a bit, and how to eat gross food. That one helps on Survivor too.

If you go on Drag Race, you need to know how to sew. End of story on that one. You need to know how to read people. You should take some dancing classes, an improv class, an acting class or two, and you have to know how to walk a runway. Beyond that, will all of these, if you have mental issues that you know get in your way on a daily basis, you should probably tend to those as best you can before you try and do the reality show. That isn't to punish you. It's to give you the best chance possible to make this work in your favor.

I know I'm armchair quarterbacking on all of this, but honestly, I just don't get why people don't do these things. If you're gonna play, play to win, or, at the very least, play to the best that you are.

Sympathy

When we got back from shopping and picking up the mail today, my roommate was hedging about something. Normally when we get the mail, he tells me what it is and even looks at the majority of it before we leave the mailbox place. After that, he'll put it in the deep pockets of my purse. Today he just got in the car and put it on the dash. When we got home, he brought the mail in with him and didn't mention it again until after lunch.

See, our vet's office always sends out a sympathy card when a pet passes away.  Rowan's came today and he wasn't sure I wanted to see it. When he finally brought it to me, unopened, and told me what it was, I went ahead and looked at the card. I was really emotional at the moment so I can't tell you exactly what it said or even what it looked like. I held it, read it over, and handed it to my roommate.

I wasn't sure how I would react, but to be honest, I was thankful for their kindness. It meant a lot that they thought about Rowan and honored her memory with the card. That felt important and it felt needed. I'm glad we got the card and I'm glad that people remembered what happened to my baby cat.

I'll admit that despite my comfort, this does feed into my depression. It's like the older I get, my life is just measured in sympathy cards. I'm still grateful to get them, though. At least it's something.

A Week

I couldn't bring myself to blog last night. It had been a week since Rowan's death and I just didn't have the heart to talk about it. This has hit me so hard, harder than the deaths of any of the other cats. No matter how much I try to distract myself, her absence from my life is there and so very painful.

Even though I know it will ease with time, on some level I hate that. I hate that I'll just go on with my life and probably spend days when I don't think about her or talk about her. It seems offensive that would happen, but I know it will. When Kitty Julian died, we talked about him every day for a long while. Then it stopped being every day. I still think about him a lot, but not as much as I used to. The idea of Rowan and Rhiannon, my babies, being only just passing memories  . . . no, that just seems so wrong.

I've lived a week without her and a little over a month without both of them. I hate this.

The Tinkerbell Plot

With Rowan gone, our only cat in the house is Tinkerbell. Tink came from the outside and has never warmed up to me. She's completely my roommate's cat. I get this. It's fine. Being an outside cat, she probably had bad experiences with women and associates me with that.

I'm not offended, but it does cause some potential issues for her. If my roommate passed away before her, she would have me as her only human. If she doesn't like or trust me, that would be a difficult situation.

To this end, my roommate has started the Tinkerbell Plot. Every day, he brings her over to me and has me pet on her while he holds her. If she calms down, he'll put her on the ottoman to let me continue to pet her. This usually doesn't last for very long, but it's the most receptive she's been to me.

I somewhat wonder if she's aware that Rowan's death has made me very sad and she's trying to give me what comfort she can. She knows I loved the other cats and maybe she realizes she could have that from me too.

And now I'm about to cry. I really meant this to be a cute little post about the plot, but it's making me really emotional.

May Box: Final Items

The last three items in the box were the best. I know I said I only got five items because that's all one is really paying for. The last item, a bonus perfume sample, is, well, a bonus. More on that later.

The last two purchased items were by far my favorites. The first is SUNDAY RILEY Ceramic Slip Clay Cleanser and it retails for 45$. This cleanser is designed to help skin that has problems with acne and issues with oiliness. The two clays (a green French one and a Moroccan rhassoul) clean out the pores and then tighten them. When I first got this product, I thought it was going to be a thick clay mask kind of thing, but it wasn't. It rubs into the skin like a lotion. It smells really, well, organic. It isn't unpleasant . . . okay, it kind of is. It smells like dirt. The smell is something you can live with though because this stuff is great!

My skin feels so good after using this. In fact, even after the first application, I was basically dazzled by the level of result. I know it's probably just the change of pace from what I usually do, but seriously, wow. If I had the money, I would totally buy this product.

The next time was the Christophe Robin Cleansing Purifying Scrub with Sea Salt. It retails for 53$. This whole thing started a funny conversation between my roommate and me. I got the name wrong at first and told him it was made by Christopher Robin. He asked me if it was ground up Winnie the Pooh. I pretended to be reading the back of it and told him it was. I should have actually read it because I didn't realize this was a shampoo. I thought it was a scrub to put on after you shampooed with something else. This caused things to sud up in a pretty massive way.

Unlike the mask, this product smells amazing. It smells really clean and fresh. The crystals in it are large and I had to make sure I really scrubbed to get them to all dissolve. My hair felt really good afterward. Hair products are always tricky on me because I have really, really oily hair and things tend to look awful after only a little while. My hope is that I can get some of that handled with this product while it lasts.

Like the lip plumper, I think this is one that will take repeated applications to really give me some results.  However, from what I've experienced so far, I like it. Would I pay this much for it? I'm not sure. If it does wonderful things to my hair, in the long run, I just might.

The bonus scent was MAISON MARGIELA ’REPLICA’ Beach Walk and if you want to purchase this, it will cost you 126$. I am sure you can guess that I have never put anything this fancy or expensive on my skin. I'm not really a perfume person. My body chemistry amplifies scents and projects them. Honestly, some people don't put on too much scent as much as their body just makes it seem that way.

The perfume aspect of the monthly box is another thing that really appealed to me. Scent is probably the aspect of cosmetics that I know the least about. I know what smells good on other people, but I've never really had the experience of being able to test to see what smells good on me. I wouldn't even know where to start.

Replica was a good place. It isn't anything like what I would have bought for myself. For one thing, it's beachy. Even though I like the beach scents, it's not really my scene. I wouldn't see this as something to use. I liked it, though. The beach scent was deepened by a sense of freshness and an undercurrent of watermelon. Of course, there was no actual watermelon in it. It's Bergamot, Pink Pepper, Lemon, Ylang Ylang, Coconut Milk, Heliotrope, Musk, Cedarwood, Benzoin. All of that added up to something quite nice.

Now, would I spend that much money on this? You know, if I had it to spare, I think I would. I love the scent and the actual bottle it comes in looks like an old an apothecary jar. I'm kind of a sucker for things like that.

Anyway, that's the review of my first Sephora box. Overall, I'm pleased.

May Box Items Two and Three

The second item in my Sephora box was the Grande CosmeticsGrandeLIPS Hydrating Lip Plumper. I received this lip gloss/plumper in clear, though it has quite a few colors. At its full size, it retails for 27$. Now, this is an interesting product for me because I'm not someone who usually purchases cosmetics for long term effects. I don't buy wrinkle creams or the like. It's not that I'm against them. It's more that I'm poor.  So the idea of something having long-term results is kind of new to me.*

Basically, the lip gloss/plumper is supposed to improve the volume of your lips using a specialized hydrating formula. There are the short-term effects, which show up usually 3-5 minutes after an application, and then more lasting results that are supposed to happen if you use the plumper twice a day for a month. Now I'm not sure about what will happen a month from now, but this product certainly has results on a quick basis. I noticed it most on my lower lip. It got nice and poochy after I used the gloss.

I was pretty hesitant about this product because several years ago, I had a really bad experience with a lip plumper. It burned my lip so badly that it hurt for hours. The Grande is certainly tingly when it's applied, but, at least for me, not to a painful level. It also has a nice scent and taste to it. I certainly wouldn't kiss anyone after I put it on, not without warning them first.

Overall, I'm pleased with this product. Given my past experience with plumpers and the fact that I don't spend money on long-term cosmetics, it's certainly not something I would have purchased for myself. Then again, that's one of the nice things about getting a box like this.

The next product was the NUDESTIX Magnetic Matte Lip Color. It normally costs 24$. This is a three-in-one lip color. It works as a liner, a stain, or a lipstick. It's supposed to stay in place all day. The color I received was the Greystone. I wasn't that happy with this one. I think maybe the color was part of the problem. The Greystone, as a lipstick, was way too dark for me. Even when I blotted it down to a stain, I wasn't that pleased. It was better, but still not great. It worked okay as a liner, but only under certain circumstances would a wear a liner that dark.

I checked the color swatches included on the page and feel like, honestly, any of the other colors would have suited me better. If I were buying this for myself, I would have gotten the Rose. It's closer to the kind of colors I usually wear. If I were feeling my gothy roots, I would have gone for the Vino or the Burgundy.

If I'm being honest here, and this will probably apply to any lipstick I receive, I have to keep in mind that I'm usually not that pleased with this kind of cosmetic because I think, with my skin tone, the natural shade of my lips is always the best match. I may highlight them and shade them, but the majority of the lip will just be covered in a clear gloss.

In this case, another problem is the fact that it's matte. I'm just not a fan of how matte lipsticks look on me. There are people who rock the hell out of matte, but I am not one of them. Matte lipsticks dull out too much of what is great about my lips and then I have to spend way too much effort to rebuild that with other products. It's more effort than its worth for me.

So, one lip product, I love. The other one just doesn't work for me. I did enjoy messing with both of them and will certainly keep working with the plumper, just to see what it does. As for the 3-in-1, I'll keep it around for shading.

* That reminds me, I never reported back on the Castor Oil eyebrow experiment. I believe it worked-ish. My eyebrow hairs look better and they did grow a little longer. However, they've thinned and grayed out so much that it may take quite a long time before I see major changes . . . if ever.

May Box: Item One

So in the midst of all the pain and grief of Rowan leaving us, I got my first Sephora Play! box. It's a ten dollar box and you get five things out of it. Two bucks per item is cheap even for the cheapest of makeup and these samples are by no means cheap makeup. In most cases, it's enough to hold you for a while and it's the only way most people would ever be able to see how they like these things. I would rather fork over 2$ for a product and find out I didn't like it than spend 120$ and hate it.

The first item out of my box was trèStiQueHighlight & Perfect Multipurpose Stick. This highlighter stick usually retails for about 34$.  It's a stick highlighter for brightening up those places that need to shine. I'm not super happy with most stick highlighters because my skin does not receive them well. My face likes powders more. This isn't the fault of the product. This is my skin.

I did think it went on more smoothly than the other highlighter sticks I've used before and I like that it doesn't shine too much. I also think it worked really well on my lips. What impressed me the most about the sample was the packaging. For one thing, it rotates up like a lipstick would. A lot of other stick highlighters don't do that. It's also a good size. Overall, other than my skin being bratty, it was a good product.

As for the job it's supposed to do, I think it worked well in that department. Highlighters need to have a balance to them. If they shimmer too much, you look overly done. If they don't have enough to them, it's really not worth the effort. This highlighter covers well and gives good results.

Would I spend over thirty dollars on it? Not personally, no, but again, that is because of how my skin deals with sticks. For someone else, who doesn't have that kind of problem, I think this would be a great highlighter.The packaging is well designed and easy to use. I realize that seems like a small detail, but we've all used makeup before that came in difficult packaging. Now if I had unlimited and funds and could spend that kind of money to just use it on my lips, I would certainly buy it. It made my lips look like honey.

Quick Update

It's storming and I'll probably lose power soon. Things aren't much better with me. I'm still numb and questioning the reason for my existence. I did, however, paint myself a beautiful eyebrow tonight. Just the one.

It Continues

I'm still not in a good place after yesterday. Everything is really gray. I feel very alone. This cat was my baby and I loved her. Normally I have time to prepare for these things. Normally when one of the cats gets sick, there are signs for weeks that something isn't right. This came out of nowhere.

Maybe that's for the best. She didn't suffer and I'm glad she didn't suffer. Even though her mouth was bleeding, she didn't act like she was in pain or confused about anything. I'm sure as the day would have gone on and she would have lost more blood, that would have changed. I'm glad she didn't get to that point.

This is really my nightmare. I had no idea what I would do when my cats passed and now that it has, I still have no idea. This is just . . . violent and bad. I don't know how to process.

In Shock

Yesterday my roommate noticed our kitty Rowan had some blood on her fur. He looked her over to see if she'd been biting on herself. He couldn't find any bite marks or scratched open sores, so he assumed she bit her tongue. When he looked it over, there was a little blood in her mouth but her tongue looked fine. We decided it would be best to keep an eye on her and get her to the vet today if need be.

By the time we saw her today, her whole side was red. It looked like she'd painted her fur. We called the vet and got a work in appointment, which meant we would be down there for hours.  I assumed at this point that she'd lost a tooth or two and was bleeding from that. I really had no even inkling of an idea that it would end up being worse.

By the time my roommate got her into the vet's examination room, the bleeding from her mouth wouldn't stop. He was having to keep towels against her and was soaking them. The vet came in and had to given her anesthesia so could look in her mouth.   She had a tumor that had developed under her tongue. It was open and bleeding. It was the first visible sign of what was probably very aggressive cancer. Given the rate of the blood loss, it was unlikely she would survive anything he tried to do.

We came home with an empty cat carrier. I'm still in complete shock over this. It was so sudden. Until just yesterday, she didn't look unhealthy. There were no signs of this. I don't know how to process it. Right now, it just feels so unreal.

Acknowledgement of the Obvious

It seems there is a certain subset of men who are annoyed to angry when women agree with them. This seems like insanity, but not when you understand the subject. See, men get angry when they compliment women and the women agree with them.

"You have great hair."

"I know, thanks."

And suddenly, the guy isn't happy anymore. Somehow, once it's made clear that his observation isn't unique or unknown, he's sullen about the matter.

I realize a lot of this is because people want women to be beautiful but also want them to be unaware they are. It's this implication that vain people are difficult to handle, but really, there is a darker element to it. Someone who doesn't know their own worth can be manipulated. Someone who isn't grateful and grasping for any acknowledgment is less likely to fall for bullshit.

That's just completely illogical. It's a fantasy and it's stupid. How could someone NOT know how good they look? If someone spends months working on their body, they should be aware it is sculpted. If someone spends hours learning to paint their face, they are very aware of how good their skills are. If someone spent lots of money and time having a professional make their hair look amazing, they know it looks amazing. Conforming to the beauty ideal is a form of artistry. It isn't an insult to talk about how well someone can make art and it's certainly not wrong when they point out that they know they're good at what they do.

I'm not talking about being cocky here. Yes, people can be really arrogant when someone compliments them, but I don't think showing an awareness of the truth is enough to qualify as cockiness. Some men get angry if a woman just replies with 'Thanks.' Yes, that isn't gushing gratitude that someone noticed them, but it's also not someone growling at you. Besides, we all know that quite often there is more at play here.

One woman said a man complimented her body, but when she agreed it looked good, he retracted the compliment and insisted she needed to go to the gym. Now, as much as people say this kind of opening is all about being nice to someone, it's clearly not. In this case, the compliment was meant to catch the person off-guard and make them uncomfortable. When that didn't work, well, the next page in the 'how to picks up them ladies' is clearly about negging.  If complimenting her doesn't make her feel vulnerable, insult her instead.

That's works less and less these days. After all, when one knows one's own worth, it's difficult to break that down.

Meh

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I've been sick. It's been nasty. I honestly still don't feel that great, but I'm doing the best I can. I know I'm not alone. Basically everyone I know is sick. My roommate said Walmart looked like a ghost town today because so many employees were missing. I have to admit, I'm a bit happy about that. I don't want sick Walmatians  showing up and helping to continue to spread the sickness.

Hopefully this will clear up in a few days.

Thoughts on Mother's Day

I think I'm going to start carrying my tablet in the backpack I rediscovered. It's in better shape than the bag I'm using now and it's less awkward. I'm not going to put the current bag away yet because this might not work out the way I want it to, but it's worth a trial run. I've missed this backpack. And no, I still have no idea where it came from.

I switched up my pics on Facebook to connect to Mommy Dearest. I respect Mother's Day and respect a lot of mothers, but I still have my own weird feelings about it. It was never an easy holiday for me. My mom and my grandmother weren't the most joyful of companions and certainly not when they were together. Once they died, my connection to Mother's Day was gone. Given that I would literally have to be handed someone's child to raise as my own before I could be a mother, I'm guessing my connection to the holiday is over for good.

You know something else I always hated about Mother's Day? I hated how in church, the preacher would read those verses about being a good woman. It annoyed me because being a mother and being a religiously virtuous woman really have nothing to do with each other. Being a mother involves giving birth at the very least and at the very most being decent and wise to the product of that birthing. This is not some religious holiday. It's just another example of religion trying to co-opt the concept of 'family' when that concept existed completely outside the realms of religion.

Anyway, so I won't be doing anything tomorrow for the holiday. There are no special candy dregs for us to get and nothing fun to do. We have to go shopping, but other than that, it will just be another normal Sunday. I'm okay with that.

Forgotten stuff

 When I move from one home to another, I always try to throw away as much junk as possible. I am always convinced I do a great job of this, but I never really do.  Today I found a backpack l have honestly not seen since the last place I lived.  Inside, just randomly, it contained two unopened bottles of foundation, several, packs of hair barrettes, a broken mouse pad, a small purse, and a collection of earrings.

I have no idea where those earrings came from. They are clearly not mine. Maybe my mom? Perhaps my grandmother? No clue. One set is orange. A couple sets are kind of Bohemianish. They're all cheap. They are also a complete mystery.

I tried some of the foundation. It was still in the package so maybe it was alright. No. No. That crap burned my skin. It has been tossed.

Anyway, I'm really annoyed with myself because I really should have kept better track of things. Then again, my grandmother had just passed away when all this moving and packing was going on. I'm still foggy about all of that.

A Poem

May

Trees are budding
My eyes are running and blurry
It's too hot too humid stormy
All the bugs begin to show back up
Just to be irritating
May is irritating

Maybe all the agita
This is our sacrifice
For new plants and new cattle
I would rather sacrifice
One of the screamy, random children
That stalk the streets freely
School is out

I hate May.

Fun While it Lasted

Despite the good flea killer we can put on the cats, we're still having a lot of trouble controlling the flea population. We have plates out tonight to try and deal with them. My roommate has been spraying and vacuuming. It's always hard this time of year. Things are easier when it gets super hot. Honestly, that is one of the good things about it getting super hot.

My brain chemistry is starting to go wonky again. The happiness I felt is leaving me. It's always weird how this happens. It's like my good healthy mental state is a little island that gets swallowed when the tide comes in. It sucks.

Perhaps we can get back there soon.

The Good Place

I've been going to the new therapy place for a while now and I'm still pretty amazed by how calm and wonder it is compared to the last building. When I go in there, I relax and I'm ready for counseling. The place downtown always made me tense and put me on guard. I'm not sure much ever got accomplished there.

I think I'm getting a lot more accomplished. I find that I'm being far more open and connective with my therapist than I have in quite a while. We talked about all kinds of stuff today than we've never even addressed. It's just a very freeing place. I feel very safe and really the most important quality in being able to have effective therapy is being safe.

My point here? Location location location. If you want people to open up to you, finding the right place to do it is pretty vital.

The Good Moments of Fandom

The internet can be an awful and scary place, but it's also got some great things about it. The same can be said for fandoms. Some fandoms have these horrible, dark, twisty elements to them that make things miserable for everyone. Other aspects of fandom are just a joy.

I started watching this recap of RuPaul on Youtube. It's just these two friends who sit around, drink wine, and talk about the show as they get progressively drunker. They talk about the show and Untucked. It's not professional, by any means. They're really funny and just talk about it like normal people do. I've really been enjoying watching them.

Between this, and several other reviews I'm basically watching something about Drag Race all week. The show never lasts a whole season, so having that kind of immersion is so great. This kind of thing makes the internet great again.

The Good

One of the things I've learned in therapy is to recognize the days when the depression is deep and nasty. It's important to acknowledge when my brain chemistry is off because it helps me to put the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors of that day into perspective. For instance, when the depression is really bad, I have trouble even getting through a 30-minute episode of something if I know there is going to be conflict. When I'm depressed, even fake conflict is too much.

At the same time, I believe it's equally important to note how things go on the days when the chemicals work well. It's good to remember this happens and healthy to notice how different things can be. For instance, the normal little things that stress me out or make me anxious on days when things are chemically bad just slid off of me. I have some misgivings about something, but then quickly realized there was a solution. I enjoyed the sun and laughed and felt like engaging in conversations.

Moreover, there were moments when I wasn't just content, I was happy. This was so nice.

See, one of the problems with the depression/anxiety cycle is that it's pretty exhausting. When you're not getting help for it, it's exhausting because of all the hell your brain is putting you through. When you are getting help for it, it's exhausting because you're constantly having to fight back all the negative stuff your brain is trying to make you believe. On days like this, while my body may be tired, my brain is happy and calm. I feel creative and funny and loving.

I know that if the depression was gone, I wouldn't feel as good as I did today ALL the time. I have to say though, it would be nice to feel that way more often. See, the problem is, I know it won't last. It may not even last into tomorrow, and that sucks because it would be so nice to have a nice long break from the bullshit.

I'll take what I can get though. Today was a damned good day. I'm grateful for that.

Let Them Eat Cake

Republicans have been bitching about ACA for years now. You'd think, in all that time, they would have been researching, planning, compromising, and creating a plan that was better and not evil. Instead, well, they passed their stupid evil thing today. It helps rich people, sucks for basically everyone else. Even people who think they'll be okay probably won't be because pre-existing conditions can be used to charge people more again. This includes things like pregnancy. Hell, it even includes pregnancy if you're a man who GOT someone pregnant.

The Medicaid expansion is gone. This is going to put lots of poor, working Americans back in the no-insurance boat. Everyone else who was on Medicaid is going to have a more difficult time because the money is going to be cut. In states like mine, where plans are being cut and cut and cut all the time anyway are going to basically have nothing.

When people point this out to them, or anything out to them, they blame it on the poor or the sick or the old or whomever. They also suggest people get better jobs. Hmm. Why didn't they wait until after all these new jobs and better prosperity had kicked in before they did this? Oh yeah. Because that's never going to happen. It is never going to happen.

But hey, rich people will get more money. Yay for them. They really needed that.

Odd Changes

As I've mentioned before, I've never been that close to my grandfather. We never really had much common ground and we have very little in common. Lately, however, I find myself talking to him far more often that I used to. It's strange, but given that he's my only living grandparent, I'm happy about it.

Perhaps it's one of those things that happens when people get older. He's in that place where he's close to the end of his life and I think he's looking for meaning. I'm in that place where I feel a little bit orphaned by all the death and loss. Whatever the case, I think I'm going to do my best to enjoy this until it ends.

It's nice when I get chances like this.

Stupid Internet

Ugghghh, the stupid internet was out for 8 hours today.  I really hate that company. I'll blog more tomorrow.

A Good Day

The big storm mess we were supposed to have seems to have settled down. My location didn't get as bad as we thought it might and the roads seemed to have returned to normal. Despite this, there were a couple of seconds of massive wind gusts that shook the house and the windows. It was rough enough to remind me of how horrible this time of year can get.

I'd like to note I was in a really good mood all day.  I wasn't in too much pain and my mental state was decent. That's kind of a rare combo for me and it was honestly nice. Yay