A year ago today, I basically stopped sleeping for a while. I knew about the cancer. I knew that the Very Bad Things were going to happen. I knew I could die. And, at night, when I would try to sleep, all the ways I could die would show up and scream at me. It wasn't fun.
The crazy thing is, just a few months before, I'd been pretty open the possibility of death. After all, I didn't have a plan for being old. I had no idea how that would play out for me. I really didn't have much to look forward to. Even the things that people talked about in terms of being the 'good things' to want in life didn't seem that great to me because I knew they would come with so much annoyance and hassle.
How do I feel now? Well, as you know, I've been more brave of late. I'm trying to explore more things and do more with my life. It's been a LOT of baby steps, but they've been good ones. I still don't have a plan for getting old, but at least I have more hope for right now. That's something. Oh, and I also sleep better.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
A Big Mistake
Last year, my roommate's telemedicine bus was taken out of commission with little to no warning. Then they fixed it. Now, it seems, it has happened again. Like last time, we really have no idea why. In our state, basic care can happen in rural areas, but for more serious things, you have to go to one of the (TWO) major cities to find someone who has the skills to help you. Last year when I was needing a total hysterectomy, the only way I could get someone to handle a patient of my size was to travel two hours to the city. This wasn't fun and it certainly wasn't fun when I was riding home with holes in my belly.
Now a bunch of sick people (who are more than likely also poor) are going to have to find a way to get to the city for their treatment. This is assuming they even can. A lot of sick people don't have great vehicles. Many of them don't have anyone to go with them and that is a long drive to make solo if you're ill. And in some cases, they don't have the strength to handle the trip. Telemedicine was vital to helping them.
And while the easy answer seems to be 'why not just move closer?' I think we all know it's never that simple. Things are more expensive in the city. Metropolitan areas are difficult to navigate and the higher populations mean more traffic. Not to mention, moving is never easy on anyone. It's basically hell on people who are ill.
I have a friend who is very active in keeping abreast of local politics. She posts a lot of stuff about how the state government is handling funding. Even though my state, in the past, has managed to stay in budget, we're not doing that now because our governor refused national funding for health care. It's really gutting the state and they're being too stubborn to accept the problem they've created. It's possible that the telemedicine program was one of the things they cut. I'm not sure on that, but it seems likely.
It that is true, it was a very poor decision on their part. They cut funding to a program that helps a LOT of people across our state. This program provided health monitoring for a lot of conditions and gave peace of mind to those who used it. After all, the idea of driving so far for someone to tell you that you're still the same as you ever were is very rough on the psyche.
Now a bunch of sick people (who are more than likely also poor) are going to have to find a way to get to the city for their treatment. This is assuming they even can. A lot of sick people don't have great vehicles. Many of them don't have anyone to go with them and that is a long drive to make solo if you're ill. And in some cases, they don't have the strength to handle the trip. Telemedicine was vital to helping them.
And while the easy answer seems to be 'why not just move closer?' I think we all know it's never that simple. Things are more expensive in the city. Metropolitan areas are difficult to navigate and the higher populations mean more traffic. Not to mention, moving is never easy on anyone. It's basically hell on people who are ill.
I have a friend who is very active in keeping abreast of local politics. She posts a lot of stuff about how the state government is handling funding. Even though my state, in the past, has managed to stay in budget, we're not doing that now because our governor refused national funding for health care. It's really gutting the state and they're being too stubborn to accept the problem they've created. It's possible that the telemedicine program was one of the things they cut. I'm not sure on that, but it seems likely.
It that is true, it was a very poor decision on their part. They cut funding to a program that helps a LOT of people across our state. This program provided health monitoring for a lot of conditions and gave peace of mind to those who used it. After all, the idea of driving so far for someone to tell you that you're still the same as you ever were is very rough on the psyche.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Duck Moment
I wanted to record this because it was a really neat moment and I wanted to remember it. And, honestly, if this blog is about anything, it is stuff like this. As I get older, I'm starting to realize that even the best of us lose memory, mostly just from prioritizing other things.
As I was driving home today, a family of wild ducks passed across the road. Two adults and about five fussy little ducklings. They were adorable. I saw them way ahead of time, darting along the edge of the road. I stopped the van so they could safely cross. The adults kept the babies in the middle and kept quacking at them to keep them moving.
It was this very perfect moment. It made me so deeply happy. It's like time slowed and it was just me and the duckies. I'm so thankful I got to see that.
As I was driving home today, a family of wild ducks passed across the road. Two adults and about five fussy little ducklings. They were adorable. I saw them way ahead of time, darting along the edge of the road. I stopped the van so they could safely cross. The adults kept the babies in the middle and kept quacking at them to keep them moving.
It was this very perfect moment. It made me so deeply happy. It's like time slowed and it was just me and the duckies. I'm so thankful I got to see that.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Plans and More Plans
Ya know how I talked about switch ups last night? Well, today, I had one I wasn't planning for and really did not want. Mind you, it was completely out of my control. A service that I depend on is moving out of town. I now have the option of driving like an hour to still be with this service or finding a new one.
My thought is to just make the trip. I won't have to make it all that often and it gives my roommate and I a chance to do a little trip. Not a fun one, but still, it's something to do. This is what happens when you get older. 'Fun events' become how you cope with appointments of a medical nature.
I tried to make arrangements for this to happen, but the whole thing isn't functioning yet. This was frustrating because I had a plan I was committed to and suddenly, it wasn't working. I had to alter my plans again and commit to the new plan. It's all I could do at this point. We'll see how it works out.
My thought is to just make the trip. I won't have to make it all that often and it gives my roommate and I a chance to do a little trip. Not a fun one, but still, it's something to do. This is what happens when you get older. 'Fun events' become how you cope with appointments of a medical nature.
I tried to make arrangements for this to happen, but the whole thing isn't functioning yet. This was frustrating because I had a plan I was committed to and suddenly, it wasn't working. I had to alter my plans again and commit to the new plan. It's all I could do at this point. We'll see how it works out.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Switch Ups
It's getting cold again. It was warm all day today, but the weather has shifted in preparation for a storm and it's making it cold. I'm happy about this. The nice thing about cool spring nights, especially ones this close to May, is that there is no chance of snow. We all know how I feel about snow.
I had a good weekend. I folded like six million towels, but that was okay. My roommate rearranged the living room and it's made it easier for me to fold stuff. It's also brought a lightness to the room that I'm enjoying. One of the things that I learned from my mother's frantic craziness was that sometimes just changing the position of a few pieces of furniture could switch up how the whole world felt. He only moved two things, but it made a significant difference.
I did my own switch up. The bag I was using for my purse wouldn't zip. I fussed with the zipper for quite a while, but I've finally had to accept that it's not going to work. I switch it for another bag. This one seems to zip better. If it stops, I might have another alternative. I tend to keep quite a few bags around, as my roommate picks them up when he sees them on the cheap. I liked the look of the last bag, but having a functional zipper is far more important.
Sometimes small changes can make life so much better.
I had a good weekend. I folded like six million towels, but that was okay. My roommate rearranged the living room and it's made it easier for me to fold stuff. It's also brought a lightness to the room that I'm enjoying. One of the things that I learned from my mother's frantic craziness was that sometimes just changing the position of a few pieces of furniture could switch up how the whole world felt. He only moved two things, but it made a significant difference.
I did my own switch up. The bag I was using for my purse wouldn't zip. I fussed with the zipper for quite a while, but I've finally had to accept that it's not going to work. I switch it for another bag. This one seems to zip better. If it stops, I might have another alternative. I tend to keep quite a few bags around, as my roommate picks them up when he sees them on the cheap. I liked the look of the last bag, but having a functional zipper is far more important.
Sometimes small changes can make life so much better.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Acts of Kindness
I'm going to leave this article here. It was written by Linda Thompson, the second wife of Bruce Jenner and mother to his sons Brandon and Brody. This is the first time she's spoken out about Bruce's sexual identity, though she's known about it for years.
I found this article fascinating for several reasons. First of all, I remember Linda from what I was a little girl and my grandparents would watch HeeHaw. I knew she married some famous athlete and lived in Hawaii, which to my little girl self sounded very glamorous. It wasn't the kind of life I wanted. She was blonde and to my child's mind, this seemed like a very 'Blonde Glamorous.' That would never be me.
She talks a lot about her confusion and hurt. I think that's reasonable, especially given the time period. This wasn't a subject that was often discussed and if you don't sign up to marry a woman, the prospect of suddenly realizing you are married to one is probably very disjointing. There is also the fact that Bruce Jenner, at the time, was considered the greatest athlete alive. He was seen as the epitome of masculinity. And no, the traits we associate with 'masculine' don't exclusively belong to cis men, but that's the general thinking.
I find Linda impressive in many ways. Even though she didn't really know how to process what Bruce was going through, she felt a lot of sympathy for him. She never tried to exploit his situation and did all she could to protect him. Her last plead in the article was for people to be kind to him about this. Kindness is very important right now, for everyone involved.
I found this article fascinating for several reasons. First of all, I remember Linda from what I was a little girl and my grandparents would watch HeeHaw. I knew she married some famous athlete and lived in Hawaii, which to my little girl self sounded very glamorous. It wasn't the kind of life I wanted. She was blonde and to my child's mind, this seemed like a very 'Blonde Glamorous.' That would never be me.
She talks a lot about her confusion and hurt. I think that's reasonable, especially given the time period. This wasn't a subject that was often discussed and if you don't sign up to marry a woman, the prospect of suddenly realizing you are married to one is probably very disjointing. There is also the fact that Bruce Jenner, at the time, was considered the greatest athlete alive. He was seen as the epitome of masculinity. And no, the traits we associate with 'masculine' don't exclusively belong to cis men, but that's the general thinking.
I find Linda impressive in many ways. Even though she didn't really know how to process what Bruce was going through, she felt a lot of sympathy for him. She never tried to exploit his situation and did all she could to protect him. Her last plead in the article was for people to be kind to him about this. Kindness is very important right now, for everyone involved.
Friday, April 24, 2015
The Right Questions
I just read this post on Lifehacker and I found it to be quite important. The basic idea is that, too often in life, we tend to fail because we don't approach problems as challenges. He talked about how in video games, you succeed when you learn from your failures. Even if you have to redo a boss battle 200 times, as long as you continue to try and learn from your mistakes, you will eventually win. If, instead, you blame the game makers as 'unfair' or blame your controller or anything and everything else, you will probably never defeat the boss. It's difficult to succeed when you live in constant frustration.
Part of this has to do with not asking the right questions. Often when things are hard for us, we'll ask questions about the situation, but maybe not the right ones. He gave a simple formula for how to begin to explore a topic.
The first thing is to begin the question with 'what' or 'how,' instead of 'why,' 'when' or 'who.' The next step is to say "I" instead of someone else. The third step is to add a specific action.
So, for instance, if you're married and you're not happy, instead of asking questions like "When is my spouse going to do better?" "Why hasn't my spouse done anything to improve our lives?" or "Who is to blame for this situation?" you will ask "How can I make myself more happy?" "What can I do to improve my future?"
After all, you can't control other people or circumstances. The only piece you really have on the board is you. The only moves you can control are your own. If you want a situation to improve, you have to accept responsibility for that situation and think about what you can do to make it better.
I think maybe his video game theme can go even further here. For instance, I recently played a level of Super Mario 3 online. I sucked at it. I died within seconds because I couldn't quite make myself adjust to the arrow keys controlling everything. However, each time I did the level, I tended to make it a little bit farther. Okay, maybe not EVERY time. There were times when I would make the same mistake again and again and die in the exact same place. I guess, if anything, I learned to be super careful right there.
This is often what happens when you're tackling a huge, extended challenge. You're going to fail a lot. After all, if this was something you could accomplish with ease, you would have done it already. The important thing is that you keep trying and see what you can learn from those failures.
When I get finished with this small project I'm knitting, I'm going to tackle a pretty large crochet project. It involves a technique that I love, but am not good at. It also involves a buttload of counting and paying attention. Am I going to mess this up? Oh yeah. Probably a lot. However, if I keep working on it and try to analyze why I'm messing it up, eventually, I'll finish the project with hopefully decent results.
And if it looks awful, I won't blame the yarn or my hooks or the instructions. I won't even blame me. I'll just consider my mistakes and try to do better next time.
Part of this has to do with not asking the right questions. Often when things are hard for us, we'll ask questions about the situation, but maybe not the right ones. He gave a simple formula for how to begin to explore a topic.
The first thing is to begin the question with 'what' or 'how,' instead of 'why,' 'when' or 'who.' The next step is to say "I" instead of someone else. The third step is to add a specific action.
So, for instance, if you're married and you're not happy, instead of asking questions like "When is my spouse going to do better?" "Why hasn't my spouse done anything to improve our lives?" or "Who is to blame for this situation?" you will ask "How can I make myself more happy?" "What can I do to improve my future?"
After all, you can't control other people or circumstances. The only piece you really have on the board is you. The only moves you can control are your own. If you want a situation to improve, you have to accept responsibility for that situation and think about what you can do to make it better.
I think maybe his video game theme can go even further here. For instance, I recently played a level of Super Mario 3 online. I sucked at it. I died within seconds because I couldn't quite make myself adjust to the arrow keys controlling everything. However, each time I did the level, I tended to make it a little bit farther. Okay, maybe not EVERY time. There were times when I would make the same mistake again and again and die in the exact same place. I guess, if anything, I learned to be super careful right there.
This is often what happens when you're tackling a huge, extended challenge. You're going to fail a lot. After all, if this was something you could accomplish with ease, you would have done it already. The important thing is that you keep trying and see what you can learn from those failures.
When I get finished with this small project I'm knitting, I'm going to tackle a pretty large crochet project. It involves a technique that I love, but am not good at. It also involves a buttload of counting and paying attention. Am I going to mess this up? Oh yeah. Probably a lot. However, if I keep working on it and try to analyze why I'm messing it up, eventually, I'll finish the project with hopefully decent results.
And if it looks awful, I won't blame the yarn or my hooks or the instructions. I won't even blame me. I'll just consider my mistakes and try to do better next time.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Woes of the Lazy Cat Lady
I am probably like the world's worst person at folding and putting up my clothes. They tend to live in the 'clean clothes' basket and I pull them out as needed. Yes, I know what level of slacker that makes me. Today, however, I was thwarted by the cat.
The cat likes to climb into my clothes and hide there. During non-flea times of the year, that is just fine (other than a bit of cat hair), but this IS flea season and I really don't want that ickiness in my clothing. At first, I thought maybe I could just pull her out a couple of times and she'd get the hint. What the hell was I thinking? This is the cat who still doesn't understand why I don't want her sitting on my hand as I try to type.
So all the clothes were put away and some of them even properly folded. The winter things were put into storage (storage=some plastic containers in my room) all the stuff is sorted. I feel almost like a responsible adult, except not really because I know I'm totally not.
I did get a bit of revenge though. The cat jumped into that empty laundry basket and was quite angry that nothing soft cushioned her. Hah! Take that, kitty! Yes, I understand the level of Cat Lady I'm perpetuating here.
The cat likes to climb into my clothes and hide there. During non-flea times of the year, that is just fine (other than a bit of cat hair), but this IS flea season and I really don't want that ickiness in my clothing. At first, I thought maybe I could just pull her out a couple of times and she'd get the hint. What the hell was I thinking? This is the cat who still doesn't understand why I don't want her sitting on my hand as I try to type.
So all the clothes were put away and some of them even properly folded. The winter things were put into storage (storage=some plastic containers in my room) all the stuff is sorted. I feel almost like a responsible adult, except not really because I know I'm totally not.
I did get a bit of revenge though. The cat jumped into that empty laundry basket and was quite angry that nothing soft cushioned her. Hah! Take that, kitty! Yes, I understand the level of Cat Lady I'm perpetuating here.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Update
This won't be a long post. I just wanted to say that I went to see the cancer doctor and have, again, tested cancer free. I have been upgraded to appointments every six months instead of four. I am making progress and I am happy about this, so deeply happy.
In fact, I kind of spent the rest of the day in a state of exhausted bliss. Any kind of progress out of the cancer quagmire is so wonderful.
Special thanks to my best friend for taking me and keeping me calm. Love her.
In fact, I kind of spent the rest of the day in a state of exhausted bliss. Any kind of progress out of the cancer quagmire is so wonderful.
Special thanks to my best friend for taking me and keeping me calm. Love her.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
The Fine Line
I'm not a parent, but then again, I'm a human of this society, so I do often think about parenting. One thing that always strikes me about the difficulty of parenting is how fine a line one must often walk when it comes to teaching children. A child needs to know that it is valued, loved, and cherished. At the same time, the child needs to understand that it isn't the center of the universe. This seems simple, in concept, but we're dealing with another human being here.
I watched Babadook the other night. This movie illustrates what can happen when a child is not taught that demanding constant attention is offputting. The protagonist's son was one of those kids who would not leave her alone. If she was in his sight, he was either trying to get her to look at him, talk to him, or he was literally on her lap, clinging to her. Driving was a nightmare for her, because he would often have fits and kick the seats. She couldn't even get a full night's sleep without him barging into her room for one reason or another.
And yes, I realize the character is a child. I realize she was his only parent and he was lonely. However, at some point, he should have been taught to play by himself, entertain himself, and occupy himself. Yes, it seems a bit cruel to do this to a child that wants to be around you, and I am by no means advocating ignoring your children. But if you don't teach them to be alone, they will, sadly, end UP alone because no one will be able to stand them.
I watched Babadook the other night. This movie illustrates what can happen when a child is not taught that demanding constant attention is offputting. The protagonist's son was one of those kids who would not leave her alone. If she was in his sight, he was either trying to get her to look at him, talk to him, or he was literally on her lap, clinging to her. Driving was a nightmare for her, because he would often have fits and kick the seats. She couldn't even get a full night's sleep without him barging into her room for one reason or another.
And yes, I realize the character is a child. I realize she was his only parent and he was lonely. However, at some point, he should have been taught to play by himself, entertain himself, and occupy himself. Yes, it seems a bit cruel to do this to a child that wants to be around you, and I am by no means advocating ignoring your children. But if you don't teach them to be alone, they will, sadly, end UP alone because no one will be able to stand them.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Off Pattern
I made a new carrier for my phone and music player. Yes, I am still so technologically behind that I have both. The one I've been using for a while now is starting to fall apart. Plus, it was made when I had a different phone and everything fits a bit wonky.
The new one holds everything fine, but it's a bit bulky. I'm not sure what to do to change that. The yarn I used, well, I thought it would work out well, but it turned out to be way too think to really make the carrier cute. It's okay, but it isn't ideal.
I'll keep it for a while though. As I am sure you know, I have this THING about parting with items. So the new carrier is in my life until it falls to pieces. In the meantime, I have some ideas about how to make it better next time.
The new one holds everything fine, but it's a bit bulky. I'm not sure what to do to change that. The yarn I used, well, I thought it would work out well, but it turned out to be way too think to really make the carrier cute. It's okay, but it isn't ideal.
I'll keep it for a while though. As I am sure you know, I have this THING about parting with items. So the new carrier is in my life until it falls to pieces. In the meantime, I have some ideas about how to make it better next time.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Taking a Stand
I was reading a blog post by a white man who was talking about how he would not condemn or dismiss the words of another white man, even though said other white man was saying just about the most vile things imaginable. His reasons were, of course, 'freedom of speech.' And, as usual, he seems to misunderstand what that means. I think a lot of the problems we're having right now is because people want to keep speech as open as possible, to the point that even when it gets dangerous, ridiculous, or insane, we still don't step in.
Freedom of Speech.
Okay, so people should be allowed to say things about the government without fear of the government arresting them for it. Of course, even with that, there needs to be limits. Actively planning to kill a government official is still an act of trying to kill someone. Saying things that cause riots or cause mass amounts of damage should also be kept in check.
I also think there is a level of responsibility we need to have when we know people listen to us. If you have a blog with a large following, your words are having a pretty large impact. If you know that someone else has a blog with a large following and you know that they are saying horrible things, I think you have a responsibility to speak about this, especially if your followers overlap. I don't think you are messing with someone's freedom of speech if you say they're an idiot. They can still say what they want, but you're certainly within your rights to tell your followers that they're completely wrong.
Often, however, you'll find that when people have overlapping followers, they won't do this. In part, I believe it's because they don't want to stir the pot. They don't want to get everyone fighting and taking sides. This can be a problem especially when your followers have a marked level of rabid loyalty and instability.I think there is also some hesitation when you and the other person tend to agree on at least some issues, especially if you feel those issues mark you as out of the mainstream thinking.
This, however, is the reason why extremist voices are always the ones that are the loudest. There may be ten million of your group who are reasonable and moderate, but because you don't shut those extremists with the radical ideas up, that is how you are defined. The radicals make the most noise, get the most press, and before you know it, they have the most power. The moment when you could have shut the down has passed. Before you know it, your message is lost in hate, violence, and insanity. Everyone else sees no merit in your stance. We've seen this happen over and over.
So if you find yourself in that position where you need to tell someone with extreme versions of your ideas to shut the hell up, tell them. It's sometimes scary to do this, but far less awful than what could happen otherwise.
Freedom of Speech.
Okay, so people should be allowed to say things about the government without fear of the government arresting them for it. Of course, even with that, there needs to be limits. Actively planning to kill a government official is still an act of trying to kill someone. Saying things that cause riots or cause mass amounts of damage should also be kept in check.
I also think there is a level of responsibility we need to have when we know people listen to us. If you have a blog with a large following, your words are having a pretty large impact. If you know that someone else has a blog with a large following and you know that they are saying horrible things, I think you have a responsibility to speak about this, especially if your followers overlap. I don't think you are messing with someone's freedom of speech if you say they're an idiot. They can still say what they want, but you're certainly within your rights to tell your followers that they're completely wrong.
Often, however, you'll find that when people have overlapping followers, they won't do this. In part, I believe it's because they don't want to stir the pot. They don't want to get everyone fighting and taking sides. This can be a problem especially when your followers have a marked level of rabid loyalty and instability.I think there is also some hesitation when you and the other person tend to agree on at least some issues, especially if you feel those issues mark you as out of the mainstream thinking.
This, however, is the reason why extremist voices are always the ones that are the loudest. There may be ten million of your group who are reasonable and moderate, but because you don't shut those extremists with the radical ideas up, that is how you are defined. The radicals make the most noise, get the most press, and before you know it, they have the most power. The moment when you could have shut the down has passed. Before you know it, your message is lost in hate, violence, and insanity. Everyone else sees no merit in your stance. We've seen this happen over and over.
So if you find yourself in that position where you need to tell someone with extreme versions of your ideas to shut the hell up, tell them. It's sometimes scary to do this, but far less awful than what could happen otherwise.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
On the Verge
A year ago this week, I was still blissfully unaware I had cancer. It was Easter weekend (which came later last year) and my roommate had plans for dinner and candy. I'd been to the gynecologist (and hated it), but I'd not yet had the results from my tests. The chain of events that changed my life was just about to start, but it had not started.
That's a weird concept. It's one thing when you know you're on the verge of your life changing. It's quite another when you're just ignorantly going along with things, completely out of the loop in terms of how different everything will soon be. I would soon be terrified and in pain. I would soon be considering my own death. And yes, I know that all sounds dramatic, but it's how it was.
This is the crazy thing though. Even though I didn't know how bad things were about to be, I was still a nervous wreck. I was worried that at any moment the massive hellbleeding would start again. I was worried that my ER trip would cost a lot of money that I didn't have. With all of this fear, I never imagined it would soon pale in comparison. It did though. It was like the universe just breathed a cold, menacing breath over me and whispered, "Oh girl, you think you understand fear NOW. Just wait."
What makes me a bit anxious is that even now, after all I went through, I still don't know fear in the way that many people do. I've been told I'm strong to have handled what I did, but am I? Would I be strong enough to handle more? Could I face some of the things that others face? Honestly, I really do not want to know the answer to that.
That's a weird concept. It's one thing when you know you're on the verge of your life changing. It's quite another when you're just ignorantly going along with things, completely out of the loop in terms of how different everything will soon be. I would soon be terrified and in pain. I would soon be considering my own death. And yes, I know that all sounds dramatic, but it's how it was.
This is the crazy thing though. Even though I didn't know how bad things were about to be, I was still a nervous wreck. I was worried that at any moment the massive hellbleeding would start again. I was worried that my ER trip would cost a lot of money that I didn't have. With all of this fear, I never imagined it would soon pale in comparison. It did though. It was like the universe just breathed a cold, menacing breath over me and whispered, "Oh girl, you think you understand fear NOW. Just wait."
What makes me a bit anxious is that even now, after all I went through, I still don't know fear in the way that many people do. I've been told I'm strong to have handled what I did, but am I? Would I be strong enough to handle more? Could I face some of the things that others face? Honestly, I really do not want to know the answer to that.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Days of LJ Past
One of the weird side effects of this whole Puppygate thing is that it's made me miss something. Well, honestly, the Sad Puppies didn't do that part. George Martin did, because he still posts everything on LiveJournal. It's been years since I've been around LJ and I'd forgotten how comforting the format is. The whole thing almost makes me want to open a new account.
That's one of the really strange things about the internet. There was a time, when I went to LJ everyday. And yes, I know I've posted about this before. Still though, it makes me realize how easy it is to abandon internet things that, truthfully, once made you deeply happy.
I was never as good at LJ as I am with FB and my blog here. I would post stuff, but never frequently. With FB, I post at least a link every day. And here, well, of course, I blog almost everyday. I guess in a way, this is closer to that experience, though it certainly doesn't feel as teenagerish. Yes, I realize I was FAR from a teenager when I was using LJ.
Still, I was never able to really commit to keeping my LJ current the way I do the blog. Maybe it's because a lot of the circumstances have changed for me. I am more healthy than I was back then, in several ways. I'm also more aware of how valuable it is to document what's going on in my life. Being able to look up what was happening a few years ago, or even last year, is very worthwhile. Given that as I age, my memory is getting more and more sketchy, this keeps me in line.
I never would have done that with LJ. I really admire GRRM's commitment to it.
That's one of the really strange things about the internet. There was a time, when I went to LJ everyday. And yes, I know I've posted about this before. Still though, it makes me realize how easy it is to abandon internet things that, truthfully, once made you deeply happy.
I was never as good at LJ as I am with FB and my blog here. I would post stuff, but never frequently. With FB, I post at least a link every day. And here, well, of course, I blog almost everyday. I guess in a way, this is closer to that experience, though it certainly doesn't feel as teenagerish. Yes, I realize I was FAR from a teenager when I was using LJ.
Still, I was never able to really commit to keeping my LJ current the way I do the blog. Maybe it's because a lot of the circumstances have changed for me. I am more healthy than I was back then, in several ways. I'm also more aware of how valuable it is to document what's going on in my life. Being able to look up what was happening a few years ago, or even last year, is very worthwhile. Given that as I age, my memory is getting more and more sketchy, this keeps me in line.
I never would have done that with LJ. I really admire GRRM's commitment to it.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
More Bravery
Last night I went to dinner with my brother's family (and my dad and step-mother) to celebrate my nephew's tenth birthday. My brother's family does the dinner thing every year for all of their birthdays but this is the first time I've been. It means that I got to see my father twice in less than two weeks, which is amazing for me, honestly.
It was a place I'd never been before. It was very nice and I got to have a dining experience I'd never had. There were a lot of people though and I have to admit my nerves were pretty frayed. They still are. I may be doing more stuff, but it does have a toll on me. I have no idea how people do stuff with others every day. I'm just not someone who is used to having a full social life.
Then again, for many years, I was fairly much a hermit. I would go see my grandmother once a week. I would see my best friend every other week. Aside from that, I would sit in my house and only talk to my roommate. The idea of spending time around people filled me with so much anxiety that I'd panic just a little even thinking about it.
There is a movie coming out next month. I really can't organize anyone else to see it with me, so I am going to try to see it by myself. I do not think I have ever seen a movie in the theater by myself before. It has a lot of panic-inducing 'what ifs' about it. What if I can't get a close parking place? What if there are assholes in the theater? What if I can't get a decent seat? Part of me just wants to bow out and wait until the DVD comes out. That, of course, is the main reason why I really SHOULD go see it though. It's a simple thing. It's a small thing. People go see movies by themselves all the time. I need to be brave.
We'll see if that pans out.
It was a place I'd never been before. It was very nice and I got to have a dining experience I'd never had. There were a lot of people though and I have to admit my nerves were pretty frayed. They still are. I may be doing more stuff, but it does have a toll on me. I have no idea how people do stuff with others every day. I'm just not someone who is used to having a full social life.
Then again, for many years, I was fairly much a hermit. I would go see my grandmother once a week. I would see my best friend every other week. Aside from that, I would sit in my house and only talk to my roommate. The idea of spending time around people filled me with so much anxiety that I'd panic just a little even thinking about it.
There is a movie coming out next month. I really can't organize anyone else to see it with me, so I am going to try to see it by myself. I do not think I have ever seen a movie in the theater by myself before. It has a lot of panic-inducing 'what ifs' about it. What if I can't get a close parking place? What if there are assholes in the theater? What if I can't get a decent seat? Part of me just wants to bow out and wait until the DVD comes out. That, of course, is the main reason why I really SHOULD go see it though. It's a simple thing. It's a small thing. People go see movies by themselves all the time. I need to be brave.
We'll see if that pans out.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Writing for Fluffing
The Puppygate war continues. The Sad Puppies (and their worst allies, who call themselves Rabid Puppies) are angry and defensive now that people are upset that they gamed the system to fill the Hugos with their nominations. Voting No Award is always an option and some people have said they will do this. Of course, some of the Puppies are claiming if No Award wins, they'll cause even more problems next year. In a new round of insanity,
Supporting Membership for Worldcon has gone up by 1300 members in the last two days. Presenters are backing out. Some people who were nominated are also backing out. Some of the Puppies are wondering why people are so angry that they just want a voice and a say in things, trying to turn the argument away from the fact that they used underhanded (thought still legal) tactics to rig the nominations. Many blog posts are being written (including mine, yes I know) and, as one author said, way too many words and time has been up into this.
The Puppies feel they're the ones being kicked out the door here, but I think they're missing some basic points. They have this idea that many writers are 'pandering' to current political ideals and only adding characters who are diverse because said writers feel it's the only way to get approval. That may be the case for some authors, but it's not for all.
Trends change. People grow tired of the same kind of character doing the same kind of thing. And yes, some tropes never get old. Others, however, kinda do. New options get explored. It isn't like this is the first time that trends in SFF have changed. Though, I suppose it's the first time they've changed where white straight menz weren't still the dominate circle. And let's face it. No matter what they say, that is the real reason this isn't happening.
I'm a writer. Sure, the major thing I produce is this blog that about 8 of ya'll read, but it doesn't change the fact that I have worlds in my head. Some of you have gotten the chance to be a part of these worlds and seem better for it. Will I write about them and publish that one day? Maybe. I don't know. I hope so.
If I do, it's not going to bother me if I don't win awards about it. My stories are my stories. My worlds are my worlds. A writer tells the stories she needs to tell. It isn't about winning stuff or recognition. It's about those stories being out there. The fact that these people are so hellbent on having people fluff them and tell them how great they are is kinda sad.
Supporting Membership for Worldcon has gone up by 1300 members in the last two days. Presenters are backing out. Some people who were nominated are also backing out. Some of the Puppies are wondering why people are so angry that they just want a voice and a say in things, trying to turn the argument away from the fact that they used underhanded (thought still legal) tactics to rig the nominations. Many blog posts are being written (including mine, yes I know) and, as one author said, way too many words and time has been up into this.
The Puppies feel they're the ones being kicked out the door here, but I think they're missing some basic points. They have this idea that many writers are 'pandering' to current political ideals and only adding characters who are diverse because said writers feel it's the only way to get approval. That may be the case for some authors, but it's not for all.
Trends change. People grow tired of the same kind of character doing the same kind of thing. And yes, some tropes never get old. Others, however, kinda do. New options get explored. It isn't like this is the first time that trends in SFF have changed. Though, I suppose it's the first time they've changed where white straight menz weren't still the dominate circle. And let's face it. No matter what they say, that is the real reason this isn't happening.
I'm a writer. Sure, the major thing I produce is this blog that about 8 of ya'll read, but it doesn't change the fact that I have worlds in my head. Some of you have gotten the chance to be a part of these worlds and seem better for it. Will I write about them and publish that one day? Maybe. I don't know. I hope so.
If I do, it's not going to bother me if I don't win awards about it. My stories are my stories. My worlds are my worlds. A writer tells the stories she needs to tell. It isn't about winning stuff or recognition. It's about those stories being out there. The fact that these people are so hellbent on having people fluff them and tell them how great they are is kinda sad.
Monday, April 13, 2015
GoT is Back
GoT started last night. As always, people were really excited for it to start again and then bitched about it once they say saw the episode. Overall, I was happy with it. For a first episode of the season, it accomplished what it needed to. I was pleased, but I tend to be with these things. Besides, I'd rather not be negative about every little detail. It ruins the experience and as you've noticed lately, I'm trying to stop letting the negatives ruin my experiences.
I think the more negative elements I get out of my life, the better off I'm going to be. I think that is going to be the next phase of this process I'm doing to make my life I more complete place. The more toxic it is, the more likely I am to ax it out of my life.
Anyway, I have a pretty full week. Blog posts may be small and scant.
I think the more negative elements I get out of my life, the better off I'm going to be. I think that is going to be the next phase of this process I'm doing to make my life I more complete place. The more toxic it is, the more likely I am to ax it out of my life.
Anyway, I have a pretty full week. Blog posts may be small and scant.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Another Example
Last night, I wrote all the stuff about personal identity politics and how it can ruin fandom for people. Today I read a perfect example of this in the comments section of a blog post about Game of Thrones. The article itself wasn't on the merits of the show. It wasn't praising it or saying it was awful. It merely reported that the first four episodes had leaked and then speculated about how HBO might handle this. Some suggested they might just release the whole season at once, the way Netflix does their shows. That way, no one would have to face spoilers. Others said that part of the beauty of GoT is watching it in groups, anticipating what will happen, etc. I may write more about that at a later point.
In the midst of this very pleasant comment discussion, suddenly a random troll appears. Actually, I'm not even sure he was. Most of the time when people troll, they are expecting people to react very badly to what they have to say. I think this guy honestly thought he was making valid points. He said that he hated GoT and most HBO shows because they pander to people. He complained about how they included People of Color just for the sake of adding them, put in elements like homosexuality just to be progressive, and had an unattractive female warrior just to make the feminists happy.
People were kind of baffled by this. HBO didn't do these things. GRRM wrote a lot of this years and years ago and many of the elements he was complaining about were already in the books. He even tried to say the curse words were just there to make the show be edgy.
See, this is where identity politics can really become a problem. This person filtered everything about the show through his perception of shows just pandering to a certain level of political correctness. If a woman had a sword, it HAD to be the show trying to pander to feminists. If there is an inclusion of homosexual characters, it HAS to be because this is just something people do now. People of Color can only show up because it's just something you do. Clearly, every time he saw the shows add an aspect that he saw as politically correct or inclusive, it just made him more angry.
Without this kind of personal identity politics in play, what you see are characters who are part of the story. Yes, different colors, genders, and sexual orientations are represented, but that is just how life is. The story isn't doing this to 'cover all the bases,' it's doing it because that is how the story goes. It's just showing that some stories are about more than cis straight white men. It isn't done to pander (at least, not in this case) and it's certainly not done because the author was just checking off boxes.
So here is this person who, because of how he views the world (via his personal identity politics), will find himself not enjoying a lot of shows because they make choices he assumes just HAVE TO BE because it's the politically correct choice to make. And while that may not be the reality of why it was done, it becomes HIS reality, because he just can't believe it's any other way. That's really sad.
In the midst of this very pleasant comment discussion, suddenly a random troll appears. Actually, I'm not even sure he was. Most of the time when people troll, they are expecting people to react very badly to what they have to say. I think this guy honestly thought he was making valid points. He said that he hated GoT and most HBO shows because they pander to people. He complained about how they included People of Color just for the sake of adding them, put in elements like homosexuality just to be progressive, and had an unattractive female warrior just to make the feminists happy.
People were kind of baffled by this. HBO didn't do these things. GRRM wrote a lot of this years and years ago and many of the elements he was complaining about were already in the books. He even tried to say the curse words were just there to make the show be edgy.
See, this is where identity politics can really become a problem. This person filtered everything about the show through his perception of shows just pandering to a certain level of political correctness. If a woman had a sword, it HAD to be the show trying to pander to feminists. If there is an inclusion of homosexual characters, it HAS to be because this is just something people do now. People of Color can only show up because it's just something you do. Clearly, every time he saw the shows add an aspect that he saw as politically correct or inclusive, it just made him more angry.
Without this kind of personal identity politics in play, what you see are characters who are part of the story. Yes, different colors, genders, and sexual orientations are represented, but that is just how life is. The story isn't doing this to 'cover all the bases,' it's doing it because that is how the story goes. It's just showing that some stories are about more than cis straight white men. It isn't done to pander (at least, not in this case) and it's certainly not done because the author was just checking off boxes.
So here is this person who, because of how he views the world (via his personal identity politics), will find himself not enjoying a lot of shows because they make choices he assumes just HAVE TO BE because it's the politically correct choice to make. And while that may not be the reality of why it was done, it becomes HIS reality, because he just can't believe it's any other way. That's really sad.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Why We Still Can't Have Nice Things
My mother's third husband was a total bastard. He was useless, critical, jobless, conservative, misogynist, and a homophobic. He used to torment my little brother by calling him the N-word. He would do this over and over again, to the point that my brother cried. It was a way of training my brother to see that as the worst thing someone could be. That, oh my brothers and sisters, is how you teach hate.
Despite all of this, he had great taste in books. This step-father was the one who got me started reading scifi/fantasy. He was a total asshole bastard, but he did have that one really good quality. And as much as I disliked him in every other way, the fact that he brought this love to my life (beyond my mother's reading Tolkien to me as a small child) is something I will always be grateful for. Even though we couldn't agree on anything else, books were the one place where we could find common ground.
So for most of my life, the books I read for entertainment were a place where personal identity politics didn't have a place. Yeah, sure, a lot of scifi/fantasy writers pepper their works with their political beliefs, but not everyone did. The point of SF/F is that you can create whatever world comes to mind. And yes, sometimes those worlds were problematic to me. A good writer, however, could transcend the identity politics and tell a very good story. At the end of the day, the love of the genre brought people together. Or, at least, it used to.
This year, a group of conservatives (mostly men) who call themselves the Sad Puppies hijacked the voting system of the Hugo awards to reflect the kind of books they enjoy reading. This was in retaliation to the fact that more and more women, people of color, and people of various orientations won most of the awards the years before.
My initial reaction to this, and still a great deal of my reaction to this is that it's wrong. Just because THEM OTHERS are suddenly winning the awards you see as 'yours' doesn't mean you should freak out and exclude people. This is what I always think when people bitch about 'why do they have black awards and Latin Grammies?' Okay, the Latin Grammies one is really stupid. Latin music is a GENRE of music. You can be as white as paper and win a Latin Grammy if you do Latin music.
Anyway, as I read further into the controversy, one of authors who is responsible for the Sad Puppies started talking about his own experience when he was nominated for an award at Worldcon. He is a conservative person and owns a gun shop. His politics skew right. Even before people read his books, they were talking about how much his politics angered them and how they would NOT read his work because of it. When he went to the con, he says he was treated poorly.
I have to say, this actually angers me as much as the Sad Puppies sabotaging the nominations. Is this what we have become as a people? That our politics are so important to us that we won't even give someone else's writing a CHANCE? This is for entertainment. This is the genre we love. This is the genre we all gravitated toward because we all wanted to explore other worlds. Will we limit that now? Worse, will we be assholes to people just because they think differently than we do?
Like I've written before, I think there was a lot of wisdom in how people used to not discuss politics, religion, and so forth in public. It was seen as rude. It put everyone in a bad mood. It's bad business. And it halts communication. And yes, I know I'm just as bad about this as everyone else. I won't go into Hobby Lobby because of politics.
It saddens me though. It saddens me because identity politics has become our religion. It guides our every move. It even alters how we would see a book. It makes us turn away from bands or even walk away from people. And while I get it, especially if the people you walk away from are wishing you harm or want to limit your freedom, I think it's sad that we're so divided.
Seriously. That step-father was the biggest, most horrible asshole ever, and even WE could find common ground in SF/F. I guess these days, we couldn't.
Despite all of this, he had great taste in books. This step-father was the one who got me started reading scifi/fantasy. He was a total asshole bastard, but he did have that one really good quality. And as much as I disliked him in every other way, the fact that he brought this love to my life (beyond my mother's reading Tolkien to me as a small child) is something I will always be grateful for. Even though we couldn't agree on anything else, books were the one place where we could find common ground.
So for most of my life, the books I read for entertainment were a place where personal identity politics didn't have a place. Yeah, sure, a lot of scifi/fantasy writers pepper their works with their political beliefs, but not everyone did. The point of SF/F is that you can create whatever world comes to mind. And yes, sometimes those worlds were problematic to me. A good writer, however, could transcend the identity politics and tell a very good story. At the end of the day, the love of the genre brought people together. Or, at least, it used to.
This year, a group of conservatives (mostly men) who call themselves the Sad Puppies hijacked the voting system of the Hugo awards to reflect the kind of books they enjoy reading. This was in retaliation to the fact that more and more women, people of color, and people of various orientations won most of the awards the years before.
My initial reaction to this, and still a great deal of my reaction to this is that it's wrong. Just because THEM OTHERS are suddenly winning the awards you see as 'yours' doesn't mean you should freak out and exclude people. This is what I always think when people bitch about 'why do they have black awards and Latin Grammies?' Okay, the Latin Grammies one is really stupid. Latin music is a GENRE of music. You can be as white as paper and win a Latin Grammy if you do Latin music.
Anyway, as I read further into the controversy, one of authors who is responsible for the Sad Puppies started talking about his own experience when he was nominated for an award at Worldcon. He is a conservative person and owns a gun shop. His politics skew right. Even before people read his books, they were talking about how much his politics angered them and how they would NOT read his work because of it. When he went to the con, he says he was treated poorly.
I have to say, this actually angers me as much as the Sad Puppies sabotaging the nominations. Is this what we have become as a people? That our politics are so important to us that we won't even give someone else's writing a CHANCE? This is for entertainment. This is the genre we love. This is the genre we all gravitated toward because we all wanted to explore other worlds. Will we limit that now? Worse, will we be assholes to people just because they think differently than we do?
Like I've written before, I think there was a lot of wisdom in how people used to not discuss politics, religion, and so forth in public. It was seen as rude. It put everyone in a bad mood. It's bad business. And it halts communication. And yes, I know I'm just as bad about this as everyone else. I won't go into Hobby Lobby because of politics.
It saddens me though. It saddens me because identity politics has become our religion. It guides our every move. It even alters how we would see a book. It makes us turn away from bands or even walk away from people. And while I get it, especially if the people you walk away from are wishing you harm or want to limit your freedom, I think it's sad that we're so divided.
Seriously. That step-father was the biggest, most horrible asshole ever, and even WE could find common ground in SF/F. I guess these days, we couldn't.
Friday, April 10, 2015
Alternative Routes
I have to say, my whole Be More Brave plan has certainly taken me to new adventures. They may be small adventures, but they're more than I was having. Today, I decided to go see my father. His birthday was last week and he needed a gift. It's been a long, long time since I drove to my dad's house by myself. Normally this is something I would avoid, but that whole New Year Resolution thing is still in play.
Anyway, I'd been at my best friend's house before I went over to see him. I knew you could travel from her house to his without dealing with the highway. It's a pretty drive, and one I'd never taken on my own. I decided to bravely drive it. Yes. Me. Miss 'Imma Skird of Driving' was going to follow directions all on her own.
Did I get lost? Yes, of course I did. But not because I failed to follow the directions. One of the streets I needed to turn on was blocked off and being rebuilt. There were no alternative routes marked, so I just drove around the town where my dad lives until I saw something that looked vaguely familiar. Mind you, what I saw was a bridge I'd not been on since high school. Anyway, once I found that, I drove around until I found a street that connected to his. It took me longer than expected, but I did eventually manage to get to his house, all without having to call anyone in a panic.
As a reward, I got to talk to my dad and get climbed on by his dogs. One of the dogs is so small, he kept trying to get on my shoulder and balance like a parrot. It was a good time and I feel more confident about things. I'm glad I did it. I'm even glad for the directions not working exactly how I thought they would because it gave me a chance to improvise. Over all, it was a good exercise in my New Year's Resolution.
Anyway, I'd been at my best friend's house before I went over to see him. I knew you could travel from her house to his without dealing with the highway. It's a pretty drive, and one I'd never taken on my own. I decided to bravely drive it. Yes. Me. Miss 'Imma Skird of Driving' was going to follow directions all on her own.
Did I get lost? Yes, of course I did. But not because I failed to follow the directions. One of the streets I needed to turn on was blocked off and being rebuilt. There were no alternative routes marked, so I just drove around the town where my dad lives until I saw something that looked vaguely familiar. Mind you, what I saw was a bridge I'd not been on since high school. Anyway, once I found that, I drove around until I found a street that connected to his. It took me longer than expected, but I did eventually manage to get to his house, all without having to call anyone in a panic.
As a reward, I got to talk to my dad and get climbed on by his dogs. One of the dogs is so small, he kept trying to get on my shoulder and balance like a parrot. It was a good time and I feel more confident about things. I'm glad I did it. I'm even glad for the directions not working exactly how I thought they would because it gave me a chance to improvise. Over all, it was a good exercise in my New Year's Resolution.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Freaking Out over Alter Egos
So I read in this article how Comcast has made a big fuss about how Direct TV's ads featuring Rob Lowe need to be pulled because they're not accurate. And while the ads do make some outlandish claims, it's fairly clear to anyone with half a brain that said claims are not meant to really be taken seriously. If anything, this is just Direct TV's way of reminding people it exists as an alternative to cable.
What Comcast has managed to do here is just the opposite of what they intended. Everyone thinks Comcast sucks already. Everyone feels they're being screwed by the massive cable/internet monster. If they want GOOD PR, they should try to do things like be helpful when customers call, try not to get the government to give them more power, and generally have a product that doesn't suck on a daily basis.
Instead, they're doing this petty thing. They're whinging that Rob Lowe makes them look like creepy losers . . . and basically making themselves look like creepy losers. The commercials were fun and silly. No one took them seriously. Comcast, as usual, had to ruin things. That should really be their motto.
What Comcast has managed to do here is just the opposite of what they intended. Everyone thinks Comcast sucks already. Everyone feels they're being screwed by the massive cable/internet monster. If they want GOOD PR, they should try to do things like be helpful when customers call, try not to get the government to give them more power, and generally have a product that doesn't suck on a daily basis.
Instead, they're doing this petty thing. They're whinging that Rob Lowe makes them look like creepy losers . . . and basically making themselves look like creepy losers. The commercials were fun and silly. No one took them seriously. Comcast, as usual, had to ruin things. That should really be their motto.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Getting Directions
A year ago today, I called the gyno office to get directions. I think I may have done that twice, actually, just to assure myself that I knew what I was doing. I really don't remember for sure, but I think that was the case. I just knew I needed to be absolutely sure of where to go. It was, after all, a very big building. One I'd not been to for years.
I was so scared about this appointment. I loath meeting new people, especially ones who will judge me and see me naked. At the time, I really thought those would be the most frightening aspects. They were not. Instead, I found out I had cancer. There were surgeries and a lot more meeting people and being seen naked. This was basically the start of many conversations about getting directions. It was the start of going to so many places where I felt out of place and terrified.
So here I am, a year later. I'm not calling to ask about directions to any location, though I am trying to get arrangements made to get to Tulsa later this month. I know where I'm going though.
Do I feel better than I did this time last year? In many ways, yes. Though, I'm still really emotionally drained from last year. I feel out of sorts with myself sometimes. I still often find myself unfamiliar. I think this is just going to take time.
I was so scared about this appointment. I loath meeting new people, especially ones who will judge me and see me naked. At the time, I really thought those would be the most frightening aspects. They were not. Instead, I found out I had cancer. There were surgeries and a lot more meeting people and being seen naked. This was basically the start of many conversations about getting directions. It was the start of going to so many places where I felt out of place and terrified.
So here I am, a year later. I'm not calling to ask about directions to any location, though I am trying to get arrangements made to get to Tulsa later this month. I know where I'm going though.
Do I feel better than I did this time last year? In many ways, yes. Though, I'm still really emotionally drained from last year. I feel out of sorts with myself sometimes. I still often find myself unfamiliar. I think this is just going to take time.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Humidity Limbo
I woke up in the middle of the night last night, needing to turn on another fan. It was supposed to rain and storm or some variation of that, but it never happened. Instead, we's stuck in this humidity limbo and it's awful. We have three fans on in the living room and that's just only making the smallest of dents in the thickness of the air. I'm not enjoying it.
Weather like this makes everyone dehydrated and sullen. Joints ache. Fingers swell. Life feels pretty awful. The anticipation of a Spring storm is never easy. It always feels like the longer it takes to get here, the worse it's going to be. That doesn't always hold true, but I think it's what most of us believe.
I have a couple of projects I need to finish over the next few days, then a bigger, more complex project that I need to start over the weekend. It's good to be creative again. It feels like it's taken forever to for that to return to me.
Weather like this makes everyone dehydrated and sullen. Joints ache. Fingers swell. Life feels pretty awful. The anticipation of a Spring storm is never easy. It always feels like the longer it takes to get here, the worse it's going to be. That doesn't always hold true, but I think it's what most of us believe.
I have a couple of projects I need to finish over the next few days, then a bigger, more complex project that I need to start over the weekend. It's good to be creative again. It feels like it's taken forever to for that to return to me.
Monday, April 6, 2015
The Call
I had a telephone interview for my medical benefits today. I have no idea how it went. You never do with these things. I'm hoping well. I more than hoping well. This is the difference between things being OKAY and things really sucking. The interview is over though. I did what I could.
I've been pretty nervous about this call. I always am with these things. Now that it's over with, maybe I can sleep better. My sleeping has been pretty sketchy for the last few days. I've had a lot of really awful dreams too. Maybe that will stop.
One way or the other, the call has happened. Sometimes just the fact that it's over with is enough.
I've been pretty nervous about this call. I always am with these things. Now that it's over with, maybe I can sleep better. My sleeping has been pretty sketchy for the last few days. I've had a lot of really awful dreams too. Maybe that will stop.
One way or the other, the call has happened. Sometimes just the fact that it's over with is enough.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Easter Dish
Last year on Easter, we had red beans and rice. I kind of wanted this to become a tradition, but as it turns out, other things happened. For one thing, my roommate and I have started eating a lot more beans just in general. They're our usual weekend food, so the idea of having beans this weekend just wasn't going to cut it. However, we're both still rather sick of typical holiday food, so we opted for some other things.
My contribution to said meal was a potato cupcake. As I am sure you know by mow, I'm kind of a semi-homemade (as much as I hate that show) poor person cook. I have total respect for people who can cook from scratch. Several of my favorite people do this on a daily basis. However, I kind of have this 'what can I do with the stuff in the house' cooking philosophy.
Anyway, when we were working up our menu for what to have for Easter, I happened to get a Betty Crocker email about their favorite Easter dishes. I found this one for Au gratin cupcakes. This appealed to me because it was easy, cheap, and I had all the stuff in the house. Honestly, that is exactly why.
And why is that the case? Because of an old SNL sketch where Roseanne was playing this white trash mama on Moments in White Trash History. It was about how she took a can of tuna, a box of Mac, and a can of cream of chicken soup and created Tuna Noodle casserole. The sketch was funny, but it struck a cord with me as well. People think there is no dignity or culture in what the poor do to survive, but I do. I always have.
I altered the recipe a bit. For one thing, I didn't have no Better Crocker Au gratin potato mix. I had the poor people version, but it amounts to the same thing. I also chopped up a can of ham into the mix, because ham. Instead of just adding regular salsa, I added some that was all green too, because it's more acidic and less sweet. About a third of a bag of cheddar cheese was tossed in there as well.
My roommate and I had discussed all the changes. We also debated about the level of egg mix (I used egg beaters instead of actual eggs, by the way). In the end, we opted to add the full amount of eggs, but put some bread crumbs on top with a little spray butter.
How did my semi-homemade poor people dish turn out? Pretty good. I think it would have been better in larger muffin cups. My roommate also suggested small loaf pans. We'll see about that next time. I do think the added cheddar helped a lot though. Honestly, I think that made the dish.
In the end, it transformed the way I wanted it to. It went from being just a box of generic potatoes into something that was both lovely and elevated in taste. I'll call this a success.
My contribution to said meal was a potato cupcake. As I am sure you know by mow, I'm kind of a semi-homemade (as much as I hate that show) poor person cook. I have total respect for people who can cook from scratch. Several of my favorite people do this on a daily basis. However, I kind of have this 'what can I do with the stuff in the house' cooking philosophy.
Anyway, when we were working up our menu for what to have for Easter, I happened to get a Betty Crocker email about their favorite Easter dishes. I found this one for Au gratin cupcakes. This appealed to me because it was easy, cheap, and I had all the stuff in the house. Honestly, that is exactly why.
And why is that the case? Because of an old SNL sketch where Roseanne was playing this white trash mama on Moments in White Trash History. It was about how she took a can of tuna, a box of Mac, and a can of cream of chicken soup and created Tuna Noodle casserole. The sketch was funny, but it struck a cord with me as well. People think there is no dignity or culture in what the poor do to survive, but I do. I always have.
I altered the recipe a bit. For one thing, I didn't have no Better Crocker Au gratin potato mix. I had the poor people version, but it amounts to the same thing. I also chopped up a can of ham into the mix, because ham. Instead of just adding regular salsa, I added some that was all green too, because it's more acidic and less sweet. About a third of a bag of cheddar cheese was tossed in there as well.
My roommate and I had discussed all the changes. We also debated about the level of egg mix (I used egg beaters instead of actual eggs, by the way). In the end, we opted to add the full amount of eggs, but put some bread crumbs on top with a little spray butter.
How did my semi-homemade poor people dish turn out? Pretty good. I think it would have been better in larger muffin cups. My roommate also suggested small loaf pans. We'll see about that next time. I do think the added cheddar helped a lot though. Honestly, I think that made the dish.
In the end, it transformed the way I wanted it to. It went from being just a box of generic potatoes into something that was both lovely and elevated in taste. I'll call this a success.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Pregnancy Shaming
I was scrolling through Facebook when I came across this article. It's a small bit on a news show where the weather anchor talks about how she's receiving hate mail because she's pregnant. This isn't from people who are against children. It's from people who object to the fact that her body looks pregnant. Seriously, that's what they are angry about.
Okay, so........really? This just baffles me. As much as I think it's insane and stupid when people email/twitter/otherwise their anger about issues that they truly feel passionate about, doing so over how someone looks while they are pregnant is a level of insanity that I didn't even think possible. That's like Mariana Trench level insanity. Someone is pregnant and you have so little else to do in your life that you took the time to write about how bad they look? You took the time to insult them, to attack them, over a normal, natural process of their body?
When we blast others about stuff, we're actually saying a lot about ourselves. Think about that. People who really had no opinion of you at all now believe you to be nothing more than some critical asshole. I get that people crave attention, but honestly, is being acknowledged as an asshole REALLY better than not being acknowledged at all?
If you have to write/tweet/email people you don't know, why not do so to the people you actually life? Why not send words of praise in hopes those people will continue to do the stuff you like? Isn't that a whole hell of a lot more productive than sending mail to people who will just view you as an asshole?
I am, literally, shaking my head.
Okay, so........really? This just baffles me. As much as I think it's insane and stupid when people email/twitter/otherwise their anger about issues that they truly feel passionate about, doing so over how someone looks while they are pregnant is a level of insanity that I didn't even think possible. That's like Mariana Trench level insanity. Someone is pregnant and you have so little else to do in your life that you took the time to write about how bad they look? You took the time to insult them, to attack them, over a normal, natural process of their body?
When we blast others about stuff, we're actually saying a lot about ourselves. Think about that. People who really had no opinion of you at all now believe you to be nothing more than some critical asshole. I get that people crave attention, but honestly, is being acknowledged as an asshole REALLY better than not being acknowledged at all?
If you have to write/tweet/email people you don't know, why not do so to the people you actually life? Why not send words of praise in hopes those people will continue to do the stuff you like? Isn't that a whole hell of a lot more productive than sending mail to people who will just view you as an asshole?
I am, literally, shaking my head.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Little Flowers
We always take the same route to Walmart. This means if I'm being stalked or trailed for whatever reason, they have a good time of it. I seriously doubt this is happening though. However, you never know. If that is the case, I'd like to give a shout out to my stalker. What up? And seriously, what is wrong with you?
Anyway, back to reality. On this route to Walmart, there is a yard that is absolutely covered in the most lovely, tiny little light purple flowers. It creates this sweet little carpet of beauty over the yard. I love looking at it every time we drive by.
I bitch about Spring a lot. I know I do. I shouldn't. Spring is just doing what it is supposed to do. Besides, it has many beautiful aspects. It gives me that blanket of pretty little flowers. It gives me pretty red tulips in my yard. It gives us more birds and baby animals and grass of such a pretty green. Spring can be awesome, despite the fleas and all the other crap.
Maybe it's time for me to just look more often at those flowers.
Anyway, back to reality. On this route to Walmart, there is a yard that is absolutely covered in the most lovely, tiny little light purple flowers. It creates this sweet little carpet of beauty over the yard. I love looking at it every time we drive by.
I bitch about Spring a lot. I know I do. I shouldn't. Spring is just doing what it is supposed to do. Besides, it has many beautiful aspects. It gives me that blanket of pretty little flowers. It gives me pretty red tulips in my yard. It gives us more birds and baby animals and grass of such a pretty green. Spring can be awesome, despite the fleas and all the other crap.
Maybe it's time for me to just look more often at those flowers.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Sometimes The Answer is No
I got an invitation to my cousin's wedding today. I would love to go, but it's in Colorado and I have no idea how I would even get there. It makes me sad that I can't go. It makes me sad I'll miss another wedding, another family gathering. It's times like this when I feel really isolated from them.
I'll keep the invitation for a few weeks. I'll toy with ideas and run scenarios in my head about how I could get there. None of them will be practical or even possible. The wedding would be hard on me. I'd have to travel a long distance, wear uncomfortable clothes, probably do a lot of walking, and deal with tons of people. All of those things are things I don't handle well.
This is the year when I say yes to things. However, there are some things I can't say yes to. I've been brave about a lot of stuff. I drove in the snow and I've driven a lot more by myself. I altered the location of my therapy and I've taken on more responsibilities. All of this stuff wasn't out of reach though. It was all just about me needing to be brave enough to do it.
The wedding is out of reach. I wish it wasn't, but it is.
I'll keep the invitation for a few weeks. I'll toy with ideas and run scenarios in my head about how I could get there. None of them will be practical or even possible. The wedding would be hard on me. I'd have to travel a long distance, wear uncomfortable clothes, probably do a lot of walking, and deal with tons of people. All of those things are things I don't handle well.
This is the year when I say yes to things. However, there are some things I can't say yes to. I've been brave about a lot of stuff. I drove in the snow and I've driven a lot more by myself. I altered the location of my therapy and I've taken on more responsibilities. All of this stuff wasn't out of reach though. It was all just about me needing to be brave enough to do it.
The wedding is out of reach. I wish it wasn't, but it is.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
The Life Lesson of Sandwiches
I made a sandwich today that was surprisingly good. It was wheat bread with ranch dressing, raw spinach, ham, and string cheese. Yes, I realize that doesn't sound good at all. I was somewhat questioning my sanity about it, but it was what I had to work with. In the end, it was awesome. In fact, I'm kind of craving it right now.
Is there a life lesson in this? Oh yes. There really is. Life can suck a lot and often we are only handed a collection of weird things that don't really seem to go well together. We can either complain about them and angst over what we have, or we can work with those things and see what can be made.
And yes, sometimes, the results aren't all that great. In my life, sometimes the metaphorical sandwiches that I put together didn't sate me at all. Other times, they were surprisingly wonderful. Good or bad, at least they were something. The times when I really messed up were the ones when I didn't do anything at all.
I think there is another life lesson in sandwiches. A lot of misogyny is rolled up into 'jokes' about how women should make men sandwiches. For one thing, anyone who says 'go make me a sandwich' as a way to dismiss you is someone you should dismiss from your life. Second of all, and on the more analogous level, we have all been given our own sandwich fixings. It is up to each of us to make our own.
Anyway, that was my day. A weird and surprisingly tasty sandwich coupled with a bit of philosophy.
Is there a life lesson in this? Oh yes. There really is. Life can suck a lot and often we are only handed a collection of weird things that don't really seem to go well together. We can either complain about them and angst over what we have, or we can work with those things and see what can be made.
And yes, sometimes, the results aren't all that great. In my life, sometimes the metaphorical sandwiches that I put together didn't sate me at all. Other times, they were surprisingly wonderful. Good or bad, at least they were something. The times when I really messed up were the ones when I didn't do anything at all.
I think there is another life lesson in sandwiches. A lot of misogyny is rolled up into 'jokes' about how women should make men sandwiches. For one thing, anyone who says 'go make me a sandwich' as a way to dismiss you is someone you should dismiss from your life. Second of all, and on the more analogous level, we have all been given our own sandwich fixings. It is up to each of us to make our own.
Anyway, that was my day. A weird and surprisingly tasty sandwich coupled with a bit of philosophy.
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