The Common Pain

One of my earliest memories as a child was dropping a 20 lb. weight on my right ring finger. It knocked the top of the fleshy part of the finger off and I had to have stitches. It could have been worse and wasn't. I healed. A year or so after that, I tried to flip on a swing and cracked the top two vertebrae of my spine. It hurt. I did not receive medical treatment. I just kept my neck still and didn't move it. It still gets stiff and achy, but it doesn't cause me constant pain.

Actually, none of the injuries of my childhood cause me pain or problems anymore. Back then, like most kids, I got hurt and healed. Some kids didn't, of course, but for most of us, healing was something we took for granted.

These days? Well, as someone in her 40s, I heal when I get injured, but never completely. I keep re-injuring my shoulders. They never seem to stop aching. My lower back has been hurting since I fell when I was 22 and my elbows (also injured during falls) will sometimes calm down, but often do not. I mean, I can move them right now. I can move all of it. But it isn't easy.

This isn't unique to me of course. Basically, every adult I know is in pain. I know people who spend whole evenings with heating pads, slather pain cream on themselves, or spend hours in the bath just to either loosen things up or keep things from swelling.

This isn't just the unhealthy adults either. Even the most healthy people I know, people who run Iron Man stuff, are in pain most of the time. For many of us, it seems to never go away, just subside a little from time to time?

What the hell is this? Is it something in our diets? I might believe that, but I know a lot of people who eat in a lot of different ways and even then they're in pain. And again, you can't exactly say it's just lifestyle because I know people who are everything from people who sit on their asses all day to people who are in as good a shape as a human can be. They are STILL in pain.

No wonder we have a drug crisis in this country. People are trying to just not hurt all the time. Something needs to be done about this.

Post Tulsa Trip

Today was not easy. All the pain of the trip hit me. My body has been complaining all day long. Hips. Knees. Feet. I know it would all be worse if I'd not had the chair. I'm thankful for that, but it's still not fun.

There is also the pure raw, awful emotional side to it. I didn't ever reach panic attack state, but my body was all clinched and ready for it. I keep having to calm myself down. It's over. It's over.

And it truly is over. I just wish my body and emotions would accept that.

Tulsa Trip

I went to the cancer institute today. I'm still free of anything as far as their exam went. We'll see how things go when the labs come back. Hopefully, that will be clear too. I still have one more trip to make this year. Past that, I'll be able to do this with my regular provider.

I'm tired and emotional after the trip, but I don't feel broken into pieces, which is often the case after these appointments. That's because I took steps to keep myself in a better situation. The most important thing I did was take my wheelchair. Being wheeled saved me from the panic stress of the walk, the panic stress of finding a seat in the waiting room, and the panic stress of doing it all over again when I left. In fact, they called me almost as soon as I got up there. Without the chair, I would have been out of breath and in pain when they called me, unable to even think about trying to go back there. As it was, I was able to be taken and things went fine. It helped so much.

People have a lot of opinions about the wheelchair situation, but for me, I know the difference in makes in not only the situations at hand but in how quickly I'll be able to return to my normal level of, well, kind of not much activity, but still. Trust me. The chair helps a lot.

Social Cutting

A long time ago, I made a point to stop visiting any place on the web that messed with me emotionally. There are other places where I will go, but I won't read the comments because I know they can get toxic. I certainly don't engage with strangers. This has done wonders for my internetting experience.

I'm glad I did this, because it seems that many people do not. Not only will people go to places where they know they're going to experience negative emotions, but they will also take it steps further. They will do things to cause the people within the group to purposefully target them. In fact, it's become such a problem that a new term has been coined for it. Digital Self-harm.

One of the most common acts of digital self-harm is to post selfies in places where you know people will rip you apart. For instance, were I into this kind of behavior, I might go to a site where people degrade fat women. I would post a pic of myself and read the comments as people told me how ugly and disgusting I am. I would absorb them suggesting I kill myself, how awful I was for society, etc. I would never do this, because thankfully I don't have that level of disorder. Other people, however, do.

Why does this happen? I think in some cases, people are so lonely and broken, they think that even if they're seen for negative reasons, at least they're being seen. Other people mistrust compliments and want people to reinforce all the negative things they believe about themselves. Other people use this as food for their depression. "I'm ugly/useless/stupid/hopeless so why bother trying?"

The problem is, well, honestly, there are a lot of problems with this, but the major problem is that many of the people who end up in places like this are young teens who already have a pretty distorted worldview and screwed up emotional center. Toss them into this quagmire of insults and attacks, mix that with little life experience and judgement......well, a lot of things can go wrong. It's an easy moment for some predator to swoop in and start grooming them. It's an easy gateway to physical self-harm and suicide attempts.

How to combat it? Well, don't go to these places is the easy answer, but also probably easier said than done. One of the people I was watching on Youtube talked about how she literally had to install software that would block these sites from her. This helps some, but it doesn't solve the problem.

The most important thing to do is recognize that there is mental illness going on. Get help. Find meds that can start giving you good doses of chemicals instead of your brain feeding on the chemicals the self-harm gives you. Talk to a therapist. This life is yours to experience. Don't invite in darkness to suck it away from you.

Tranquil Mood

On Monday, I will be going to Tulsa for the third time this month. This time, I get to be poked by the cancer doctors to make sure I'm still free of cancer. As always, I am not looking forward to that.

Despite the impending poking, I'm in an okay mood. It's quiet and my household is doing well. I value that a lot. Tinkerbell sat with me for a while today. It's always nice when she remembers I exist.

Cats really have a way of humbling people.

Obsessions

Best friend and I have an ongoing discussion about obsessions. We're both prone to get deeply involved with things, though admittedly just as deeply uninterested in them over time. There are some exceptions to this, but as a general rule, obsessions are temporary.

We both know that a lot of people don't think it's very mature to obsess over things, but I disagree. I think obsessions help people to stay alive. They give people things to hope for. They help people get up in the morning. Sure, there are other things to do that as well, but not all of us have those other motivations.

I've been down lately. But yesterday, Sims put out the trailer for their newest expansion pack. IT IS ZOMBIES!!!!!! Or at least, sims being possessed by something. I'm so excited. Whatever depression I had going on just slipped away. YAY!

See? Obsessions can make a huge difference.

You Don't Have Groupies

In the past 24 hours, I've read three things about asshole men and the women they keep trying to destroy. One is an ongoing thing, but the other two are new.

The first bit was from Lena Headey who plays Cersei Lannister on Game of Thrones. In an interview, she mused about the possibility that her career was sidelined for a decade because she refused to have sex with Harvey Weinstein. He'd propositioned her and she made it quite clear she wasn't interested. After that, acting roles became difficult for her to get. She knows it's possible that it was just her luck, but you have to wonder.

The next article was about how one of the biggest names in anime dubbing is getting exposed for his questionable behavior. This is one of those situations, like with Weinstein, where people knew about it, but mostly just kept it quiet, tried to warn potential targets, and do their best to keep him from bothering people because they knew little would be done to him. Basically, the #metoo movement had to happen before anything even came into the light.

The last article was over a variety of videogame streamers who are causing problems. One of them was recently arrested in a sting opp where he tried to get an underage girl to have unprotected sex with him. The article then went on to discuss various other streamers who have tried stuff with fans and the problems it is causing.

A lot of people will focus on the victims here and discuss everything they did wrong. I have some agreement with this, but ONLY to the extent that I believe we should better educate people about consent, about what they're comfortable with, about when NOT to make compromises, and about how to view situations as dangerous.

On the other hand, all of that in no way negates the behavior of the men who preyed on their fans. These people were your fans or coworkers or people you were working with during a con or people who reached out to you because of charity work. They're not your groupies. They're not just there for potential hookups. They're not to be toyed with and tormented and treated like hell just because they happen to reside in the bodies you find attractive. If it involves your JOB, if it is connected to your JOB, if you meet this person through something related to your JOB, then it's best to consider them off limits for anything sexual. People always bitch about how these poor men are losing their jobs and positions when this stuff comes out, but in many cases, they used those jobs and positions as a means to prey on others in the first place.

Seriously. If you're that rich and that successful and still lonely? Just do the proper thing and hire a matchmaker to find you someone. Oh, but then again, it isn't really relationships most of these people are looking for, is it?

Dead of Winter

I am about two uses away from finishing two more containers of skin creams. One is charcoal so I won't be able to use it for a few days, but the other one I'll slather on my face tomorrow after my shower. Then it will be finished.

I think I can start working on the blanket again. I'm going to watch a BBC show and knit, hopefully just get lost in the work and try to sooth my brain. Maybe it will help. It needs to help.

On Monday, I have to go back to Tulsa for my appointment/violation at the cancer center. I'll have the wheelchair with me this time so maybe it won't be so bad. I'm also telling them not to use that same lube because it gave me an infection last time. I do not need another one of those.

Winter drama needs to leave me and mine alone.

Busted Night

I was going to post about something else but now I'm having technical difficulties. Ugggh. Oh well. I'll talk more tomorrow.

The Priorities

My roommate and I had to be ON and talk to/deal with a lot of people this week. He more so than me. We

both feel exposed because of this and in need of some level of retreating.

It reminds me that home is important. Security is important. For us, having places to retreat is important. Quiet and rest are important. We need to value these things and do our best to keep them. 

Home

My roommate came home today. I'm happy. The cats are even happier. One of them had buried herself under blankets because she missed him so much. He really is her world.

He's always been so good with cats. He knows how to earn their trust and help them to feel safe and secure. There are strays I never thought would like anyone who came to truly love him. It's a beautiful thing.

Alone

So it's Valentine's Day and I am alone. Not just single, but alone. My roommate is in Tulsa. No one is online. It's just me and the cats. Hah! As I guess is befitting on Valentine's Day.

I'm watching Rattle and Hum on TV. I've never seen it at this size. It's pretty impressive. It's making me miss my mom.

My stomach is twisted in knots and I've been to the bathroom a lot. I think it's just nerves. Bono's hair never looks clean in this. Never even once. He was really hot at this age though.

HAPPY VD

Not Hoarding as an Alternative to Suffering

Every year for the holidays, someone gets me a nice thing of lotion. Every year, I use it for a few days and then hoard it in a drawer with other lotions. Meanwhile, my skin gets dry and cracky. It's awful.

This year, as you well know if you read the blog, I am trying my best to use up all the things I keep hoarding. As a result of that, I've noticed my skin is a lot better.

And if you're saying "DUH!" in your head, yeah I get it. It's what the lotion is there for. It's what I should have been doing all along. And I know that. THE POINT IS, I didn't do it, suffered for it, cluttered my life for it, and now I'm trying to break that cycle. So yay.

Gloomy Monday

It's dreary and gloomy again. Patches of water are floating over low areas of pastures. Everything is dead and grey. Blah. Oklahoma winter. This is typical and ugly.

I've been in kind of a blah all day. I've done what I needed to do, but other than that, I've mostly just existed. I reached out to a friend, but, well, actually they texted me so I suppose I just texted someone back. That is the extent of my effort today.

I'm not sure if I'm even going to knit.

Benefits of the Cold Weather

While it was warmer, I had trouble working on the blanket. It would just get so hot so quickly that I couldn't mess with it for very long at a time. Since it cooled down on Thursday, I've made tons of progress. I'll be starting my next row sooner than I thought. I'm happy about that as I was starting to feel bogged down.

Now I'm feeling more energized about the whole thing. My next section is going to involve more colors than I've used before and I'm glad I'm more into the idea of it again. Switching colors will keep things more exciting as well, especially as the blanket continues to grow.

Summation

As I mentioned back in the Fall, I wrote my grandfather's eulogy. As it was at his request and something to make everyone comforted by the situation, I left out a lot of other opinions I had about him, ones that were less than flattering. It isn't that I lied in what I wrote. People are complex. They have good qualities and bad qualities. My grandfather was no exception to this and in his eulogy, I opted to write about the good.

But today, when I was on the phone with my dad, I realized the less than savory aspects of my grandfather's personality could be summed up by one action he repeated annually. My dad is a vegetarian and has been for most of his adult life. And yet, every year, my grandfather would take my dad out to eat at Catfish Cove for his birthday.

He didn't do this because he's one of these people who wants to make some kind of statement to nonmeat eaters. He didn't do this because he hated my dad. No, he did this because my grandfather wanted to eat frog legs and my dad's birthday was just an excuse to do so. Really, my dad factored very little into the situation. He mostly factored into it not at all.

Every year, it was the same thing. He never asked my dad where he wanted to go for his birthday. If he had, even in our area there are places where Dad could have gotten a decent vegetarian entree. He would just call him up and tell him what time to meet at Catfish Cove, a place, literally, with meat in the name of it. He would dine on frog legs and shrimp and hushpuppies with fish bits in them while my dad at corn, green beans, and a salad.

This sums up a lot about my grandfather pretty well. He was deeply self-centered. Even when he THOUGHT he was being generous, it was still mostly about him. It's maddening and honestly still frustrating because most of my dad's stress since my grandfather's death is due to selfish decisions my grandfather made before he died that have caused all kinds of headaches where handling his property has been concerned. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and to hell with everyone and everything else.

On a side note, my dad said he plans for him and my step-mom to go eat eggplant parmesan this year for his birthday. I think that's a better idea.

Storm

I had to be out of the house by fiveish this morning and that is about the time it opted to storm. Normally I love waking up to a thunderstorm, but not when I have to drive in it. The trip wasn't fun. The roads were slick and everyone was driving like an idiot.

To add to it all, the temp dropped down to the 20s. After days of being warm, I came home frozen. Even now I'm sitting under two blankets. Thanks, weather.

Still Warm

It rained today and cooled down some, but I'm still sitting around in shorts. I managed to clear out two small containers of skin cream. Now only 200 to go. I would still recommend Sephora boxes to anyone, but be prepared to deal with samples that last far beyond a month.

Two small containers isn't much progress, but it is SOME progress, so I'll take it. I'm also doing pretty well (so far) on keeping my calves and feet lotioned. They get so dry during the winter months and I shouldn't neglect them.

Mind you, this isn't much of a winter.

Updates

Trump did his State of the Union speech tonight. I didn't watch it. I mostly spent the day trying to deal with my allergies and hoping they don't get worse. It's insane (but nice!) how warm it is for the second month of the year.

My appointment for Tulsa got rescheduled. I'll be headed up there later this month. I don't want to do it, but hopefully, it will be the last appointment. I'm really tired of this trip, its drama, and that place.

I had stuff I wanted to write about, but through the course of the day, it's just slipped my mind what that was. I'll remember tomorrow. Probably.

Lovely Day

One of my favorite people treated me to a belated birthday lunch. We met at the park and trashtalked the evil geese. We ate sushi and blueberries. We drank unicorn tea. It was so much fun.

Even though it's February, it was really warm today. Springlike. We sat with the windows rolled down (except when the evil geese got too close) and watched as sunlight danced on the pond. The conversation was great. Everything was perfect.

The Gray Area

There is this tendency for people in my mother's mother's family to lose all color in their hair very young. They lose it in their 20s and either dye for years or, better, embrace the beautiful white curls and go on with their glorious lives. I did not get these genes.

Instead, my hair is making a slow, but every continuing path towards silver. I do not mind this. I love the idea of having the silver hair and dying without bleaching. The progression is annoying me. There are more silvers every day, but only enough to make my hair look faded, not fabulous.

It's a small thing, I know, but for once, I wish I would have gotten the beneficial genese.

Intensity

Today was slow. My arm hurt so I didn't do any knitting. I'll try to get in an hour or so now that it's feeling somewhat better. It was warmer today and it seems the groundhogs predict we'll have an early spring. We shall see.

We're watching a cooking show on Netflix. A woman had a full out panic attack on the episode we saw tonight. I felt so bad for her and angry that they showed it. Panic attacks are horrible to experience and it's like they wrote the whole thing off as just her being upset because she couldn't be perfect.

Panic attacks are so weird. The worst one I ever had left me covered in hives. It was seriously horrible. When you see someone have a panic attack, if you've had them yourself, you know how crushing it can feel. I could almost cry for this woman even now. It was wrong of them to show that. She deserved better.

Hello February

January is finally over and we're into the second month of 2019. This month was hard on a lot of people and snowy as hell in a lot of areas of the country. I mostly worked on a blanket.

Said blanket is not finished and might not be by the time this month ends. We'll see. Right now, it's my main creative focus.

My organizational efforts have somewhat stalled, but the ones I implemented have continued to work for me. To be honest, I think I like the idea of it going slowly. That way I can really make sure the things I change are useful changes.

With that in mind, I may only try to do one or two other organizing things this month. We'll see. For now, I'm content to work on my blanket.