Best Things about 2015 Part Five

Hamilton. 

I came late to the game with this musical. I just found out about it a couple of weeks ago. It has, however, changed me. It is brilliant and important. It has made me think more about the Founding Fathers than I ever have. I never had opinions about Burr before. I have TONS of opinions about him now.

Hamilton has become my new Game of Thrones level obsession, only more so because it has music and it's finished. It has made me deeply in awe of Alexander Hamilton and what he accomplished. It's neat to think that at one point, this guy who helped to build this country was once a 14 yr old orphan on St. Croix who was doing whatever he could to get books.

I love this musical and I love Lin-Manuel Miranda, the man who created it. 2015 is the year it opened, the year I found it, and the year it blew up and took over the world.

The Best Things about 2015 Part Four

When I started 2015, I was pretty disappointed with myself. I was angry at my body. Honestly, I was angry at a lot of things, though mostly at my body for trying as hard as it could to kill me. After years of disassociating and doing my best to ignore it, I felt more at odds with my body than I ever had. Why would I like it? It was fat as it could possibly be. It was full of pain and cravings and failure. I hated it. I can't say I hated ME, because "ME" has always been the internal essence of me.

When I wasn't hating my body, I was apologizing for it. I was doing everything I could to tell people how sorry I was that I took up so much space, that I needed so much help, that I couldn't do the things other people did. I tried to compensate for my shortcomings, tried to do what I could to be the person people seemed to want or need even though there was no way I could really be that person. I hated the fact that I had to be this way and it made me hate the fat 'tries to kill me' machine even more.

Amazingly, this year, I made some peace with my body. I learned some things about it. I cracked some codes about how to handle it. More importantly, I find that I am less apt to apologize for it and there are valid reasons for that.

In therapy, we started working with a book over relationships. The basic idea of the book was that we should always speak in statements that cannot be argued. These statements are true. Example: "You're driving too fast" is an opinion. Someone could very easily argue that they are not driving too fast. "My body is tense and I feel a lot of fear when I am going at this speed" is a statement of fact. You are telling how your body feels. The other person can choose not to give a damn, but they can't argue with you.

Turns out, the key to finding ways to communicate like this lies in paying attention to what your body is actually doing. Are your shoulders tense? Are your feet hurting? The thing is, sometimes just paying more attention to your body allows you to relax it and alter your situation.

So I started paying more attention to what my body was actually feeling. I thought about my pain. I thought about the way I took up space. I thought about how I felt in certain outfits, how I felt when my head was against the pillow. It's been a slow process, but actually communicating with the body I'm in has helped me to let go of a lot of anger. It's also helped me to let go of a lot of shame.

Most importantly, it's helped me to accept that I don't have to overcompensate. I'm doing the best I can. If that isn't enough for someone, they are free to move on. If they don't think it's the best I can do, I really see no reason to change their opinion about it. They can either accept it or not. It really isn't my business. I realize this sounds a bit defensive. I really don't mean it that way. This is simply where I stand now. Accept me or move on. Enjoy me or find someone else to enjoy. Accept what I am offering as enough or find someone who offers you more.

All of this is slowly bringing me a kind of peace. I needed that. I'm still scared about what possible fresh hell 2016 could bring, but at least whatever it is, I'll be focused on fixing it for myself and not wasting my energy other people. It's not my job to make them happy or solve their problems. I'm just here for mine.

Best Things about 2015 Part Three

Last year, I lost my ability to ever have my own children. I didn't want my own children, but it's one thing to not want something and another thing to not even have the choice. Maybe in response to that, I've found that I've gotten closer to my best friend's kids.

Her daughter is one and I've gotten to be a part of these early parts of her life. It's been really neat to watch her growing from a helpless baby to a little person who can walk and make her wishes known. It's amazing to get to watch her laugh,  to see the way she looks at you when she wants to let you know she loves you, and to be hugged by her. I've taught her to clap and to wave. I love to watch her dance.

My best friend's son is ten and he's really his own person now. He and I spent a day destroying a whole Minecraft village and picking fights with game controlled players. We also have a running story about a hapless guy named Chad who blows up things and starts international problems. He and his best friends Jason and Biff are currently in Turkey . . . trying to find a turkey.

I had so much fun with these two kids. They really made a lot of great memories for me in 2015. I am thankful for them and what they bring to my life.

Best Things about 2015 Part Two

One of the reasons this year was neat had to do with reconnecting with two past book loves. Now mind you, I also had some disappointing reconnections like the MZB thing, but there were good ones too. I won't say the MZB doesn't stand out to me and I can't say that it didn't change some things about me, but I've talked enough about the negative aspects of the year.

Clive Barker put out a book to end his Hellraiser series. This was done after years of not touching the storyline, actually years after it being in other people's hands. He killed off his most iconic character and tore down the world. It was beautifully, if horrifically accomplished. I enjoyed every second of this book and will be reading it again and again in the years to come.

I also found a blog that dissects the works of V.C. Andrews. The reader has about the same opinion of her work as I do. The work is loved, in all of its problematic glory. I had hours of fun reading the blog. I really enjoy people's well-written commentary about writing. It's something I miss from college. The thing is, there are many works that will never (and should never) be taught or discussed in a college setting. When you find a guilty pleasure blog like this, it's like finding gold.

Both of these things brought a lot of happiness to my year. I'm very thankful for both of them. Oh, and interesting note, I found both of them because of articles about the authors. It's one of the reasons why I think it's always a good idea to read any articles you see about the authors you love.

Best Things about 2015 Part One

It's that time of year when I usually just freak out about the coming year. I've already been doing that some. I could focus on that or focus on the rain, but I've opted not to. Instead, I'm going to review the things about my year that made it wonderful. There certainly were some of those.

My roommate and I had an ongoing discussion about trying new food things. He found a new way to make popcorn that is awesome. We tried some new things for holiday meals and experimented with ways to fix certain proteins we were given. To me, this is never just about the food. It isn't even about the food being completely successful. It is the discovery of it, the trial and error, the experimental nature of the whole process that makes me happy.

He and I have also been discovering a lot of new bands and new music. After having been annoyed with new music for quite a few years, it's really neat to start finding stuff to enjoy again. Finding new music is always very much a revival for the soul.

We were more social than we usually are. We went to more places and spoke to more people. This is a pretty big step for people who were basically shut-ins for a while. It's never easy. I think sometimes the best thing someone with social anxiety can have is someone else with social anxiety. It helps when someone else understands why your energy is just GONE after a simple meeting.

These are some of the things that made this year full and unique. These are things I am grateful for. I'll add more tomorrow night.

Rain and Rain

It rained most of last night and almost all of today. We're expecting 10" for the weekend. This is a big deal. This is the kind of weather where they have places where you can get sand bags for your house and stuff. I live on a hill so it won't get to me (I assume), but most of the people in the lower parts of town are having to take precautions.

It's supposed to get cold, but the cold hasn't hit yet. This is one strange December.

There is less than a week left in the year. This is the point when I always start to get nervous. After the years of tax fright and cancer though, who would blame me? Nothing happened last year, but the PTSD is strong with this one.

Let's hope we don't drown.

Lovely Christmas Day

Christmas is over. All the gifts have been exchanged. All the events have happened. I am pretty exhausted. Today itself was lovely. It didn't start out lovely. We went to Walmart because we needed some stuff and found it to be closed. An empty Walmart parking lot is just kind of spooky.

The movie was good. There were some plotholes I kind of had to handwave, but beyond that, it felt more like the first movies than the last three. When we saw Into the Woods last year, the theater was completely packed. This one was full but nowhere near capacity. That made things easier. It was still kind of crowded when we were trying to get out.

After we left the movie, we went to my best friend's house for Christmas dinner. That was great. We had very good conversation and very good food. A lot of my holiday outings have been awkward, but this one wasn't. It was nice to be in a place where I was completely comfortable.

I'm ready to sleep now. I want to sleep and rest and just kind of mill around the house for a few days. I think at this point, we all need that.

Birthday Glasses

This year for my birthday, I got bifocals. It was debated about last time I got new glasses, but he decided my eyes didn't quite need it. This time I knew I would be getting them. My close-up vision has gotten really bad. I kind of saw the whole thing as dreadful before, but when he prescribed, I was actually a little relieved. My vision was that wonky.

The glasses are in. I'm actually far happier with them that I thought I would be. I didn't exactly love the style or the color when I saw it online but opted for it anyway because it was the least ugly of the cheap-ass frame options. The purple works really well with my skin tone. I'm pretty happy about the shape as well. As for the progressive aspect, I'm not exactly used to it yet, but it's not giving me any serious trouble either. It's one of those things I'll learn to handle. In the meantime, I'm pleased with the new look.

As you know, once my birthday happens, there is always a part of me that gets really nervous about the new year. Things usually get scary for me then. I'm hoping for no Surprise!Cancer! or Surprise!Scary Tax Thing this year. In fact, I do not want a Surprise! anything unless it's a Surprise!Insanely Rich!  or Surprise!Jason Momoa!

Actually, I'd be fine with those last two.

Birthday Eve

In the end, I just couldn't make peace with Wonky the Unicorn. He'll become one of our holiday decorations and the prototype of what I can maybe do to make the whole unicorn thing better. I'm not throwing him away or dismantling him. He has an interesting little personality. I just don't think he's meant for anyone save his creatrix.

We did holiday stuff with my dad tonight. It was fun. I got the stuff I asked for, which means I can start organizing my part of the house into something more functional. I also got some more makeup and stuff to rub on my skin. It all smells good, but some of it is pretty intense. Still, nice to have.

So 41 is winding down. I think I did pretty well this year. I tried the bravery thing and found some success with it. Certain patterns in my life have changed. I also had to find a new doctor and learn to be more willing to drive myself places.

In some ways, I know I regressed. I've been really depressed at times. During the spring and summer, I let my eating and spending get out of hand. Things have gotten better since then, but I need to stay on top of things. Overall though, it was a good year and certainly better than the year before.

Wonky the Unicorn

I spent most of the day trying to make a unicorn. It isn't turning out as magical as one might think. It's been a huge pain in my ass and the horn looks like some tiny dildo. I keep hoping it will look better with the mane. Things always look better with more hair.

Anyway, aside from the bastard unicorn, my day was pretty quiet. I honestly needed it to be pretty quiet because the rest of the week is going to be hell on wheels. I know the unicorn will stand up now. That's an accomplishment. I'm still not convinced it looks great, but at least I'm finally getting rid of this stupid yarn I've had and hated for years. It's becoming mane.

My birthday is soon. I suppose tomorrow night I will right about the year.

Adult Things

So I did some adult things today. The van needed some stuff checked out and instead of fearing the mechanic shop, I just pushed myself to go there and deal with it. I wasn't happy. Like many women, I have this idea that they think I'm an idiot about cars.

I kind of had a revelation about that, though. I AM in idiot about cars. I have like maybe a 40% knowledge of what might be going on with the car at any given time. I know some basic terms and what the lights mean. Beyond that, they know way more than I do. I should just accept this or educate myself better. Right now, I think it's enough that I don't stand around spouting off ignorant things about the van in hopes of impressing them with knowledge I don't have. "I think it's the valve shafter core......block."

Anyway, they were nice and it ended up not costing anything. After that, we braved Walmart for the last items of Christmas dinner. My roommate found some cookie dough on sale, so we get Christmas cookies. This made me happy. Tomorrow I need to make some phone calls to try and get our Christmas Day plans locked down. This is going to be a busy week.

Goodbye, Old House

There was a house on the way to Fort Smith that I always liked. It was an old wooden farmhouse with a good porch and pleasant look about it. I was one of my favorite sights when we would go into the city. I always assumed that the people who loved there were elderly and sweet. I imagined they baked pies and watched TV on an old set that still had to have the channels turned by hand. This house was never an outright obsession of mine, but still, something I liked. It was a familiar friend.

Over the years, the roof has had to be replaced quite a few times. On one occasion, the damage to the house looked pretty extensive. It was always repaired, though it often took quite a while. Recently, my roommate and I noticed the roof had been ripped off again. We assumed it was just the usual replacement job.

But last week when my best friend came down to get me, we noticed that the house was being torn down. By the time my roommate came to pick me up, he told me the house had been burned away. I was shocked that it happened so quickly. All that history and establishment, destroyed in less than a day.

The loss of the house made me sad. I never lived there. I never even knew anyone who did. Even still, the house was part of my life. It made me happy. I thought it was a neat old house and it hurts that it's gone.

I have no idea why the house was torn down. It could have been really jacked up inside. It could be that there was too much damage to make it worth the fix. It could be that the ungrateful children of my imaginary nice old couple cared so little about their family home that they opted to destroy it so they could sell the land.

There should be a word for the confusion one feels when one experiences a loss due to caring for something that had no direct attachment and not understanding why the loss came about. I don't know why the house is gone. I don't know why those two drag queens I liked broke up. I feel sad about it, but I have no details. I'm not even really owed an explanation. I still want one.

Happily Hamilton Fangirling

I didn't post last night because I was too messed up from the glaucoma tests I had to do earlier that day. They weren't difficult on my physically, but they gave me a great deal of motion sickness. I'm still not feeling 100% past them. It's over with. I'm happy about that.

When I got home, I started listening to the Hamilton soundtrack and fell in love with it. I was told about it and kind of raised an eyebrow at the idea of a rap musical about Alexander Hamilton. It's brilliant,  though. It has so much passion and makes me feel amazing about being part of what these people created.

I'm trying to cement all the holiday times. That hasn't exactly happened yet, but hopefully it will soon. I'm calling my aunt tomorrow to find out where things stand with her and my grandfather.

Cozy Warmth

It finally got cold enough today for me to put on sweats. Ahh, how I've missed their sweet warmth! I also have on socks, long sleeves, and a hat. I'm going all out for the warmth tonight. It's kind of nice, really. It's been so warm that the comforts of cozy clothing have been missing from the season. It's been so hot that we're still having to deal with the cats getting fleas and the yard trying to grow grass.

The weather is making everyone in the house ill. All the warmth has made plants wake up and all the shifts back to cold is messing with our breathing. I'm sick. My roommate is sick. The cats are sick. If it would either be cold OR hot and stop alternating between the two, maybe we could just all adjust. Maybe.

I have the weekend to rest and then things get a bit crazy next week. Lots of holiday plans. Hopefully they'll be fun and not stressful. Hopefully I'll be completely well by then.

Anniversary of an Ordeal

This time last year, I was getting ready to go to Tulsa for a checkup. The checkup led to probably one of the worst panic attacks I've had in a long time. It was so absolutely bad that I ended up with hives. People act like our emotions can't mess with us that much, but when they start doing physical damage, you know something's up.

Mainly for that reason, it makes me very happy to know I don't really have to do anything tomorrow. I have to deal with an eye exam on Friday, but Thursday will be quiet and peaceful. I need it to be.

The hellish thing about the whole panic attack/hives thing was that it lingered. Even though I knew that rationally the skin condition was just an after effect of the attack, I still got really paranoid about it. I wondered if I had some kind of deadly skin condition that would kill me and infect others. Until the bumps started to go down, I worried that this was some new level to the weird hell I'd been in since January.

A while back, I told my roommate that I didn't feel I had the right to call myself a cancer survivor. It was more like I was a cancer 'avoider' because they caught it early and I didn't have to go through chemo. The thing is, I'm starting to realize I was minimizing my situation. I almost bled to death. I was basically bedridden for weeks. I had all of my reproductive organs removed. I have physical scars that will never leave me and emotional scars that keep finding new ways to mess with me. I survived one scary ass ordeal and I'm not the same person I was. I never will be again.

So tomorrow I'm going to try and focus on some positive things and just chill. That seems like a good  use of my spoons.

Precious and Dangerous

My best friend and I were talking about childhood memories about Christmas gifts. I know that people talk about how we're not supposed to place so much emphasis on the material things, but sometimes, the material things made a huge difference in our perceptions of ourselves.

For instance, when I got my first boom box as a tween, it changed EVERYTHING for me. I suddenly had the ability to play my own cassettes and listen to them as often as I wished. For a while, this was an absolute joy . . . until it wasn't.

The problem with having something that I loved this much was that suddenly it was used against me. Whenever I would get into trouble, it was taken away from me. At one point, stepfather bastard decided it would be taken away from me forever. I was crushed . . . until I wasn't.

After a while, I just felt like I had to emotionally detach myself from the boom box. They took it away. It was no longer mine. I stopped caring about it and just basically hated them for the whole situation. I knew what I had done did not, in any way, warrant what happened. They were just being assholes.

Eventually, I got a new one. Actually, I even have one now. It's been sitting in my closet for a few years. I should probably take it out and dust it off. I probably wouldn't use it, but just knowing it's there gives me a kind of grim satisfaction about life.

The stepfather who did this to me is dead. The mother who allowed it to happen is dead. I have to admit I still hold some bitterness against them, which is stupid, because it was many, many years ago and they're dead. It's hard though. Adult me can forgive them but tween me is still angry.

Plans and Slight Obsessions

Somehow I managed to get all of my holiday plans situated. I'll be seeing my dad and step-mother on the 23rd, then the extended family on the 24th. Christmas Day, as always, is spent with my roommate. It's been our tradition for many years now. Past that, I think I'm free of festivities. Yay!

When I saw my niece at Thanksgiving, she talked to me about how much she loves unicorns. I found a fat little unicorn crochet pattern and I think I may have enough time to make it for her. I have enough odds and ends of yarn to give it some snazzy rainbow mane and tail business. It would be really cute.

I've noticed I have this weird problem when I crochet. Okay, I have many problems when I crochet, but most of the time they have to do with me kind of sucking at it. This new problem has to do with my perspective of my work.

See, I usually like the underside of whatever I'm doing more than the display side. I always find that side to have the neater pattern happening, to seem more smooth, to have the better quality. I get a little obsessed with this and sometimes have to force myself to remember the backside has all the joins and other ugly bits on it. Sometimes I'll try to cover that up, but most of the time, it just isn't possible.

Once I get past the holiday stuff, I'm FINALLY going to start working on my jacket. It's been a mild winter so far, but I'm not sure that this will still be the case in a month or so. A nice warm crochet jacket could make my life far better.

As We Age

I watched a movie this weekend about an older woman who was forced by her son to move into a retirement community. Mind you, it was a damned nice one. She still hated it. She took off on a hike and, of course, everyone thought she'd just wandered off in some kind of 'crazy old person' way. The movie was hard to watch because I could identify with her more than perhaps I would have in the past.

Getting older is rough. It's especially hard for people who have little to no contact with others in the first place. My roommate and I were social with other humans the other night. I'm so proud of us because such matters are difficult. It's kind of interesting how they always tell sick people or depressed people to be as social as possible. Hah. I don't think medical professionals realize just how damned difficult and, in some cases, painful, that can be.

My goal for this year was bravery. I succeeded, in more ways than what I could have imagined. Still, I have to say that as the year is coming to a close, I'm left feeling overwhelmed and pretty strung out by the whole thing. I did well, but perhaps more than I really could handle. There were moments when I felt pulled in a lot of directions and moments when I have felt more despair than I have in years.

I wish had more answers about all of this, but I just don't. I know that I'm tired and I often feel kind of broken. Tired and broken has never been the goal.

Sick without Dignity

I felt like such hell today. I've had this lingering cough/cold/sore throat thing and it's driving me bonkers. There are some people who can have colds and keep their dignity. I am not one of those people. When I get sick, my whole face has stuff running out of it. It's just a big gross mess.

Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow. That may depend on how well I sleep tonight. I woke up to a horrible noise the other night and realized it was my own wheezing. Of course, all this just had to happen right before the holidays. Sigh.

Wish me luck and healing.

Childhood Dreams

The tiny town where my dad's family is from has its own community page on Facebook. Most of the posts are about community events or general complaining, but today something rolled by that caught my attention. A house I have always loved is for sale.

As far back as I can remember, I have loved this house. As a very small child, I would always sit up when we were driving by it. I remember holding by breath as I studied it. I've always loved houses and architecture, and this is probably one of the first houses that seduced me.

Like I said, this is tiny town and most of the places there are pretty small. This house is a small, one-level version of an American Foursquare, complete with dormers that probably give some extra room on the attic level. It's also a light, grassy green and for a little girl who had seen largely white houses, that impressed me. Someone had screened in the front and back porches, attaching them like buttresses. To me, this house always looked stately and so different from everything around it.

As an adult, I can see it with clear eyes. The house is very small. It's only $20,000 so it probably needs a massive amount of work. It's also in a tiny town that is miles and miles away from anything and somehow also on the only busy street in said town. Beyond that, I've watched enough haunted house stories to know that ANY house that captivates you from an early age or any house that you dream about is NOT a place you want to live because it's haunted.

Even still, when I saw the place was for sale, the little girl in me woke up and got very happy about the idea that I could own this house I've always loved. I mean, not that I really can, but still. Barring that, I posted a comment requesting interior pics of the place. I really hope I get to see some.

Lights

As I mentioned last night, I had to be out before dawn. I never like doing that. I'm not a morning person. In fact, morning should only be seen if one has stayed up all night. Then more sleep should happen. I really never want to KNOW what happens at those hours, but life does not always go as we wish.

This time of year makes it a bit easier. I may not like getting up before dawn, but have always been and always will be enchanted by Christmas lights. Not many people have them up yet and some of the people who do turn them off before going to bed. That made the Christmas lights I did see so much better. They were spaced few and far between, shining out into the darkness like some kind of small bit of joy. It really meant a lot to me.

My roommate and I don't decorate the outside of our house. We don't feel well enough to do it and we can't afford it. However, if I ever am in a situation where these things change, I do plan on decorating the outdoors. To me, Christmas lights are the best part of the whole holiday because they're this one thing that everyone who sees them can enjoy and love, no matter what else is happening. It's this lovely little twinkling beautiful thing that can give all people a moment of goodness. I love that.

Quick Post

This will be a short post. I have to head to bed early tonight. I'm worn out and feel like someone beat me up. Long days are long. Anyway, though, after tonight, I get to sleep in again. YAY! I will certainly need it.

The first of my holiday festivities is this weekend. We'll see how that goes.

Holiday Musings of a Darker Sort

After my parents divorced, my mom used to cry every year on Christmas Eve when Dad would take us to his family's. I don't really know why. It isn't like she wouldn't be seeing us only a few hours later. It isn't like she adored us so much. I don't know. I guess I'll always be confused about that point. Then again, perhaps she just couldn't help it.

I think one of the reasons why the holidays always get to me is because I know there are people who are lonely and sad. It sucks that this happens. I've been fortunate in that I've always had people around me during the holidays. I know that if I live to be an old woman, that will more than likely change unless I con some young person into feeling sorry for me.

Anyway, I get why people feel tense during this time of year. There is so much expectation and obligation going on. It's stressful and it's tiring. Sometimes just the idea of showing up somewhere seems like more than you can handle. And yet, we keep on because to do so otherwise leads us down the path towards no one asking us or inviting us anymore. And eventually, we are alone.

Doll Power

I think one of the joys I've found in the last couple of years is Amigurumi. This is the process of making animal or object toys out of yarn. It some ways, I believe this is the biggest magical experience I have in my life.

Quite often the imperfections of my craft frustrate me to no end. I want things to look one way.....they end up looking another. Most often, I accept this as just the limitations of my abilities.

With dollmaking, limitations and imperfections become an asset.  Wonky angles add character. Disproportionate eyes add cuteness. Flaws become aspects of personality. The process . . . of shaping, of creating physical features, of deciding on accessories . . . never goes the same way twice. When the doll is finished, it has a life of its own, a history, and a purpose.

Amigurumi is a very powerful process to me. I love it. It can be frustrating at times because sewing is involved, but it's so very rewarding. Honestly, if I could figure out a way to do it for a living, I would.

The Struggles

The bills were paid today. We're good for another month of living in the house. As always, I'm pleased with this. I'd rather have my bills paid early than risk not having the money to pay them when they come due. Some might argue that it would best if I just learned to manage my money over the month, but that never seemed to work for me. It honestly is best if I pay everything off as soon as possible.

When it comes to managing my finances, I've learned to function on a 'how can you manage to keep from screwing up?' basis. I was never good at balancing a checkbook. I always ended up overdrawn. For several years, I kept trying to train myself to handle the checking account properly. Eventually, I just accepted that my brain was never going to let this work and canceled my account. Same with credit cards. I know I am not one of these 'emergency only' people. If I had one, I would find a way to max it.

I know this isn't ideal. I get that the better solution would be to find ways to manage my money while still using the modern services. In the meantime, I would probably lose a lot of money. Given my limited funds, I just can't afford that. Instead of risking the possiblity that I would screw up again, I have found managable alternatives. I pay my bills as soon as possible. I don't allow myself accounts I can't handle.

This is how I try to handle eating as well. I often get off course about this one, because it's a little more difficult. The main goal is to never eat fast food unless I'm with someone. Avoiding Secret Eating is a daily struggle for me. Or, at least, a struggle every time I leave the house. My normal course of action is just to try and keep as little cash on me as possible.

A while back though, I started carrying a 20 with me just in case of emergency. I was a little terrified when this began, because I know me. I assumed that 20 would be blown in a week. Somehow, I've managed to keep from using it. I'm a little amazed by this because it's beyond my usual level of disciplin. It's been easier since it got cold though, because I can always tell myself that Secret Eating is a bad idea because I might not be able to role the window back up.

We all have things that we struggle with, places in our lives where we find that we often fail. Maybe in those moments when we're sane and rational, these struggles aren't a problem. For a lot of us, however, those moments of sanity are sometimes few and far between. In the meantime, we still have to survive. Avoiding the areas of struggle may not be the best way to overcome it, but sometimes it's all we have. Sometimes accepting that you just suck at certain things and finding a way to compensate can really improve the quality of your life.

All Your Heroes Part II

I was looking back at my blog from last year and realized I wrote about Marion Zimmer Bradley and how much I adored her. Funny to read that and just feel nothing but sadness. For a moment, I realized that I wasn't sure I could write anything, so I went back to Facebook for distraction. When I got there, the first thing I saw was that a singer I've loved since college was dead.  He was only 48, which is the same age Sinead is.

Also like her, he's lived a pretty rough life. I think there has by the cycle of getting clean and finding drugs again. All the while, he did what he could to keep doing music. Being an aging musician is never easy. My dad knows quite a few people who have killed themselves, but my dad is a musician and it's one of those things that seems to follow them. Of course, it's that way for most creative people.

If there is any comfort here, at least Scott Weiland died in his sleep. He was still doing music, still doing what he loved. He'll be missed.

Head Space

I've had to curb a new addiction. There is this place call Bookbub that finds all the books that you can download for free and lists them for you. I was well into downloading my 15th book when I had to stop myself. I needed to be rational about this and not get any more until I'd read through the ones I already have. It's very, very tempting to go and see what they've added. Back in high school, when I just hid away from everyone and read all the time, this would have been the best thing ever.

I'm trying to finish one last Christmas gift before everything is finished. I'm doing my best to fight off the depression, but it's not being easy. The best I can do is try to ignore whatever stupid crap my brain is trying to tell me.

I hope the rest of the week goes well. It got off to a rough start, but maybe things will settle as we head into later days. Besides, it's December now. Last month of the year. And you all know how I feel about December.