Last Day of the Month

Okay! I managed to do most of my video tonight. I need a conclusion and then my credits and I'll be finished. Yay! 

Trust me, this was hard. My brain is focusing on basically NOTHING right now. I had to stop and start so many times. Seriously. SO. MANY. TIMES.

Anyway. It's cold. It's supposed to stay cold for quite a while. But then again, it's just about to be December so go figure. Twentyfour days until my birthday. 

Body Protests

My body hates the winter. I try to dress to stay warm but then my body overheats and makes me start feeling sick. Right now I'm in a tank top and shorts with a blanket over my feet. Just my feet. Ugggh.

I'm working on a video that I wanted to finish this weekend. I won't finish it this weekend. I MAY finish it by like Wednesday. It's fine. I'm enjoying it while working on it, but then my brain begins to protest the focus and I have to stop. Seriously, everything about me isn't cooperating with my goals or needs right now.  Kinda over it.

Kind of just Gray Friday

Things got away from us today. We had to get some stuff and run some errands. It ended up taking far longer than we thought it would. By the time we got home, we were both exhausted. 

Tonight we watched a Christmas special. I hope we can watch as many of them as possible this year. I want things to be really festive, I mean, you know, in our limited and quiet kind of way. 

To that end, I am working on a holiday video with Napoleon Robotparte. So far it's pretty funny. 

More on that later. 

Thanksgiving

Weird holiday this year. Most people didn't get to see their families. It was the safest way to go, but it still wasn't easy. Our meal was really good. 

As to the holiday itself, what am I thankful for? In the moment, everything really. I get to live in a safe and stable home. I have enough to eat and I'm warm in the winter. I'm not always cool enough in the summer but a lot of that is my fault. 

I have wonderful friends, family members who seem to love me, cats that I adore, and plenty of things to keep me happy. I live with someone who makes me laugh every day. I live with someone who is kind. 

What more could I ask for?

Conclusions

The scarf is finished and I actually feel proud of it. It looks good. It has a good weight to it. I'm pleased. It will be washed in the next few days and then I'll put fringe on it. 

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. It's super lowkey this year. To be safe, we're just staying home. It sucks, but then again, it's for the best. I have no interest in more illness in my house.

Lowkey or not, my brain and heart are really into the holidays this year. I've watched lots of decorating and gift giving videos. I'm posting recipes and pretty pictures I see. It isn't a lot, but it makes me happy. Right now, we all need as much happiness as possible. I guess you could say, we need a little Christmas. Hah!

Project Stuff

The scarf is looking good. I'll probably be finished with the bulk of it by tomorrow night. Then I just need to weave ends and wash it. After that, I'll do the fringe.  

I think I'll work on a hat next. We'll see. I'm also letting some video ideas brew in my head. In the meantime, the holidays are soon here. I'm actually looking forward to them this year. 

Important Moment

Last week I was talking to my dad and we started laughing about something. I teasingly acted like I was upset about it, but I was only joking. I thought he KNEW I was only joking. 

It seems that he thought I was serious and over the weekend, it kind of ate at him that he might have hurt my feelings. When I talked to him this morning, he apologized for the whole thing. It was a little shocking, really. I assured him I was fine and my feelings weren't hurt.

Why is this a big deal? Because my father is the ONLY ADULT PERSON RELATED TO ME who has ever taken account of how his actions may have affected me. It really meant a lot to me that he did that. Like, it seriously made me feel like a person. 

So yes, today was a big deal. Of all the things I am grateful for this year, I am most grateful for the relationship I've cultivated with my father. 

Unraveling

The title does not refer to my mental state! It refers to the massive conglomeration of yarn I had to unravel last night. It ended up being five balls worth. Actually, it took me into this morning to finish it because I gave up last night and went to sleep. With the yarn all in order, I'm working on a scarf for my dad. It isn't THE simplest pattern in the world, but it's like probably the second simplest. Seriously, it's really easy. I needed that too.

Anyway, it's been a while since I did that level of unraveling. I'm glad it's overwith. Now I can just make stuff for a while. 

It Shouldn't Drag On Like This

Trump needs to accept defeat and let go of this. He did not win. The only fraud was on his side. The only cheating was on his side. Hell, they didn't even try to hide it but no one seems to be punishing them. 

Now he's trying to stop certifications. Fuck him. Concede, quit, die, I don't care. Just let it go. We, as a nation, rejected him. 

At this point, it feels like we told him no and the Republicans are holding us down while he rapes us. 

Raise a Glass

They're starting to shut the schools down again. They say they'll reopen after Thanksgiving, but we'll see. All of that depends on how bad things get in the next week or so. Things could get very bad.

Everyone around me has been touched by significant deaths this year. Aunts, cousins, siblings. So far, in my close circle, none of these deaths have been Covid 19-related, but I have to wonder if things could have gone differently in a couple of these cases had Covid not been taking up so many resources. I also know we're fortunate. A lot of people have lost far more than we have. 

The vote count in Georgia went to Biden again. They proved he won the election, again. Trump is still trying to swing things back to him. I'm not sure he understands how all of this works. Or maybe he does and he's just biding his time to figure out a way to escape his debt and pending litigation. Who even knows at this point?

The Example

You know all that sturm und drang from my last post? I'm going to explain the why of it now. 

My nephew and I share a Youtube channel. For the last couple of days, I've been trying to post a video on it. The video wouldn't post. I couldn't get it to function for me at all. 

Now the rational side of my brain stated that this was probably something to do with the internet connection or the number of people trying to upload at that time or whatever. Reasonable and logical explanations that were confirmed when I googled it. 

The insanity side of my brain was screaming that somehow the channel had been suspended. And somehow it had to be my fault.

And I had harmed my nephew because of it. I was a bad aunt. My family would never speak to me again. I couldn't be trusted. All I did was destroy things. I'd ruined his faith in humanity. 

I'm serious too. It was THAT BAD. My brain was in such a doom spiral. 

The rational side of my mind kept trying to calm everything down and keep me going and functioning. I wanted to cry and wail and curl up in a ball of paralytic brokenness. 

Today, the video uploaded. I assume this is because traffic slowed down enough for that to happen. Everything is fine, although the insanity part of my mind is trying to convince me that this is all a trick and all the above stuff will still happen. 

When I would babysit my best friend's kid, if she didn't talk to me later that night, Insanity Brain always started telling me I had somehow harmed the kid and my best friend now hated me and would never speak to me again. Even though I'd done nothing to warrant any of that, my brain still felt like exploring the idea. 

The worst part about this is twofold. The first is that this is happening WHILE I'm on meds and after I've developed strategies to handle it. 

The second is that it's very damned exhausting. 

Dark Days

I think until the day I die when things go wrong, I will always assume it's because of something I did. I wish that would end, but I don't think it will. I wish I could have some self-assurance. I wish I could be collected and confident about the world around me. I can't. I've read books by people who are and their mindset just amazes me. It's so foreign to how my mind works. 

Most of the time I can quiet that darkness, but other times, it's just screaming at me. Screaming every sin I've ever committed. Screaming every wrong I have ever done. 

In moments like that, I just freeze and wonder how I can continue to go on. After a while, it passes, but sometimes that takes a long while. It's like, when I meet new people, I just want to tell them how I'll betray them and disappoint them and fail them over and over again.

I'm actually not trying to get sympathy here. I'm just trying to show how things can be, from time to time, when you have some nasty mental illness going on. 

New Week Start

The new video is finally finished. I just need to do my thumbnail and upload everything. I'm pleased with the results, just not with the amount of time it took me to finish it. 

Been kind of nauseated the last couple of days. Hopefully, that will subside. Until then, I'm just being careful with what I eat and trying to stick to very plain things. 

More and more people around us are being affected by deaths. It's touched us as well, honestly. I think by the time we come out on the other end of Covid, a lot of people will have very different realities. 

To those of you who have lost loved ones, via the virus or whatever reasons, I hope you find comfort. 

Bushes Completed

We had over 3900 new cases of Covid today. This is insane. This current plan is not working. People are dying from this and no one seems to care. 

The bushes are done for the year. I'm thankful to my roommate and nephew for making that happen. Neither my roommate nor I are feeling all that well at the moment. Some kind of stomach yick. I've downed some Pepto. Hopefully that will help.

Sigh

I am seriously trying not to be a bitter bitch here. Sometimes circumstances prevent folks from doing things. I get that. It's just that it seems like it's always ALL the circumstances. Next year, I'm saving up and just having the bushes handled by professionals. Good clean money transactions. 

New Monitor

My roommate didn't need the new monitor for his computer and mine was old and starting to slow down. I now have the new one set up and my old one will serve to help with my roommate setting up his system. After that, it will be put protectively in a box and kept in case either of us needs a new one. 

I'll miss the old monitor. It's been with me through so many things. We've explored and discovered so much together. It's been the visual component to so much of my life for years now. I thank it so much for all it has done for me. 

Productive Thursday

My roommate bought a new computer. That seemed to go without much of an issue, aside from the expense. We also finished getting the rest of the gifts. I have no idea how the holidays will go down this year, but everyone's gifts are bought and ready for whenever that happens. 

Meanwhile I'm taking a night off from yarn work. I need to get a video happening and I'm not even sure what to do with it yet. We'll see. 

Pushing through the Stash

I am doing such a great job of getting through my yarn stash. I'm working on a cat bed and it's four strands of yarn at once. So happy about this. The Stash needs to go. Plus, the cats will have yet another place to sleep.

Tomorrow we need to go to town and purchase a new computer for my roommate. He's done a noble job in keeping his alive, but there is only so much anyone can do. 

Right now, the big cities are out of hospital beds due to Covid 19. The flattening of the curve is completely gone because people suck. Hopefully Biden will help deal with this. 

Fear Setting In

We had our day of joy when Biden won and everyone celebrated, but not it feels scary again. Trump won't concede. He insists he was robbed. He's suing people and making recounts happen, even with no evidence of fraud. 

All of his minions are agreeing with him. It's like they're just ignoring the will of the people. It's scary because what if they just keep doing that and we end up with him as president for 4 more years? Will we even survive 4 more years? 

What if all that elation on Saturday is all the elation we'll get? What if the country really does continue down this dark path?

Monday After

I feel exhausted emotionally, but my body is less tense than it's been in a long while. I think the thing I'm most worried about is that they might try to take this victory away and we'll be stuck with the step-father for longer.

I will probably worry about this until Biden is sworn in, just like I always worried about my step-fathers coming back until there were actual divorces. 

Now it's a matter of waiting and hoping that Trump doesn't sabotage the nation in the next two months. 

Aftermath

Conservatives are leaving Twitter and Facebook. They are going to Parler and other such places. They claim these places will let them say whatever they want without fact-checking or censorship. I have a feeling that anyone who doesn't tow the party line will be removed quickly. 

I suspect this means there will be no reflection on why they chose to follow someone so awful that cities cheered when he lost the election. I guess I'm not surprised. 

Most people who voted for Trump were people in towns and rural areas. Democrats used to be the party of the farmer, but that doesn't seem to be the case now, even though the GOP really does nothing much to help farmers. I think it's important that the next two years are spent on outreach that brings the rural areas back. 

We Won

We seriously won. And not by a small margin. We really really won. 

Trump will try to fight the win because he is the worst of people and the sorest of losers, but hopefully, that will come to nothing. 

Now we just have to hope he and his simps don't set the country on fire.

Holding Pattern

Ahh, 2020. What can we say about you? This year has lasted at least ten years and the last three days have been a full two of that. I suspect this will continue as things about the election get decided, considered, sued over, and accepted. Hopefully accepted. We'll see.

I had a good day today. We shopped and I folded some clothes. I'm working on a stash-busting project right now and watched a tutorial about putting beads on knitting work. It made sense, but I need to design a little tool for myself. And remember where I put my beads. 

Right now I'm watching season six of Drag Race for the billionth time while a cat sleeps on my shoulder. I'm grateful for all of this. 

Still Stalled

The election still has no clear winner. It looks like Trump will lose and he's screaming fraud about it. His people are screaming fraud about it. Then again, we knew he'd say that unless he was winning. Hell, he would have said that even if he wasn't winning by a large margin. 

I think everyone is kind of somewhat hopeful Biden will win, but we're still not sure yet. 

I finished my pillow sham yesterday and constructed a small video last night that I finished up this morning. I'm happier with the video than I am with the sham, but I think the sham will grow on me. 

Up in the Air

The step-father drama continues. No one is sure who will win yet. If Trump doesn't win, he's probably going to try and sue, scream, and cheat to get the election turned over to him. I'm sure he just can't fathom a world where he doesn't always get everything he wants. 

So right now, no one is sure what will happen. Things could be smooth. Things could turn into a horrifying hellscape. We just don't know.

However, what I do know is that we need to make some changes to the level of power that presidents have. The election of one person shouldn't cause this much emotional trauma in my country. Hell, no election should cause this much trauma. We need to limit the power of that office and also ensure that once people have rights those rights can't be taken away. 

Childhood Hell

 I've been trying to process this all evening, but then I remembered I stumbled on what my reaction to trump was a while back. He honestly does bring out all the PTSD I have about my abusive step-fathers and the pattern of insanity my mother kept putting us in. 

I hated those men. They were all awful. Trump really does have every characteristic of those men. He's stupid. He brags and talks about himself all the time. He insults other people. He's incompetent but somehow cons others into thinking he isn't. 

There would always be these moments when I would think my mom would finally FINALLY wise up and get rid of the step-fathers. Times when I would allow myself to be hopeful that they would be out of my life. And every single time, she disappointed me. She only saw the logic of getting rid of one of them once and probably only then because I scared her. 

Every other time, she only removed one step-father when she found a new asshole to be with, usually one worse than the last one. And that one time that she actually left without another man lined up, we had like two years of a really GOOD life. She went to college. My brother and I did well in school. She made friends. She had a decent shot at an amazing future. But of course, she screwed that all up as soon as she found some other loser to bring into the picture. 

So here I am, like 30 years later, going through the same emotional hell as my country keeps clinging to the absolute worst step-father ever. And we'll only get rid of him when they find some other, probably equally horrible bastard to make the next president. 

I'm not even sure what to do with this. I wasn't sure when I figured it out and I'm not sure what to do now that it's clear the asshole isn't going away. 

Congrats, America. He certainly doesn't love you, but you get to support him for another four years. 

Sigh

We don't know how the election will end, but it isn't looking hopeful. People, as always, are stupid and disappointing. Oh well. I did what I could. Nothing I can do about it now.

Also. I tried to arrange something to make things go easier in the yard work department. It fell completely apart because I'm no one's priority here. Lesson learned. It still sucks. 

I just feel like crying right now. This has been such a disappointing day. 

Goodbye

About twenty years ago, a friend got me a goth doll. She's adorable and she lives in a coffin. I love her, but I never really found a place for her. I feel like I never gave her enough of me. I regret that.

Today I gave her to my best friend's little girl. I want her to really have a home. A place. I want her to be loved. 

Goodbye, Tragedy. That is the doll's name. I hope you find comfort and love in your new home. Thank you for your time with me. Forgive me if I wasn't good enough to you. 

Extra Hour Sunday

The time change happened. I got my extra hour of sleep and I actually took that hour TO sleep instead of squandering it on looking at Youtube or whatever. The sleep helped.

We're two days until the election. I really seriously hope this is a very clear and evident victory because I really do not want to deal with ELECTION DRAMA for months to come. Just please let it be over with. 

We're also paying bills this week and handling some prep stuff for winter. Hopefully, all of that will happen without incident. 

The front panel of the pillow sham is finished. I just need to do the back, which honestly shouldn't take that long. I may have to switch needle size and that will throw things off, but it isn't that big of a deal. 

It's good to be back to productive knitting again.