It Will be December Again

We have arrived at the last month of the year again. This month is going to be very busy for me, busier than I'm used to. In a way,  this is good because a lot of it should be fun stuff. Still, when you have a limited amount of spoons, even the fun things can start to stress you out.

I was reading my blog from last year and remembered I was really depressed around this time. I'm not depressed right now. I'm anxious and I'm in some pain, but I'm not really depressed. This is probably because I'm staying busy and not really allowing my mind to go to the dark places.

I hope this month is good. I hope I have strength to handle all the things. I hope I have fun and I hope I make memories. Real ones. Not those weird fake memories.  I wish the same for everyone else as well.

False Recollections

I have vivid and fond memories of having dinner with a certain friend at Olive Garden. I remember him teasing me for the drink I got and us laughing about the dessert options.  I have another equally vivid memory of being in my apartment in college and a different friend and I discussing a professor who was fired.

Here's the thing. I know, for certain, neither of these events EVER happened. I've never been to Olive Garden with the first friend. The second friend was never in my apartment. These memories, both quite detailed and linked to emotions, are false.

I know that most of these events did occur, but in the first case, all of them were with different people. In the second case, that conversation did happen, but not in that apartment. I really don't know why these memories are all jumbled together, but they are.

While this last season of Drag Race was on, I watched Katya's recaps of the episodes. She talked about how memory is really tricky because there are a lot of things we remember that may or may not happened, but there is no way to even prove them because all record of it is gone. In one episode, she mentioned that she clearly remembered having a fist fight with a neighbor boy when she was a kid, but knows for certain that this never really happened. The memory is there, but there is no truth to it.

This kind of thing drives me crazy. After all, these aren't memories implanted by aliens or evil therapists. They're memories I came up with all on my own. These are memories I would think about on occasion and just go on with my day . . . until it occurred to me that facts did not line up with either memory.

Our brains do such spooky things.

Scares

I had a scare today. We drove Blair to Tulsa and the Check Engine Soon light came on. I looked it up in the handbook and found it that light specifically deals with Emissions. The book said that sometimes it will come on if the gas cap is loose or if the undercarriage of the car is wet.

I had my roommate check the gas cap. It was on fine. (Note, the first time I typed this, I put it was 'on fire' which of course would have explained the Check Engine Soon). Anyway, it had been raining all morning so we went with the hope that this was the cause and not something more serious.

By the time we were leaving Tulsa, the light was off. So I don't know. Maybe it was just a water issue. Hopefully. I really don't have the funds to get the car fixed.

Other than that, trip to Tulsa was okay.

Depression Heir

My oldest and favorite hoodie has been worn to the point that most of the sleeves were too damaged to repair. They'd been repaired, several times now, but the damage was just too extensive and the material too thinned out.

Most people would probably throw the ratty old thing away. I cut the sleeves off above the damaged areas and declared it my new punk hoodie. I wasn't going to toss it. There is still too much use in it.

See, this is the thing about being raised by Depression Era grandparents. I'm not a hoarder. I will get rid of things. I just hate to get do so before all the usefulness is gone. In fact, I had to force myself to throw away the screwed up sleeves. The less damaged one is still sitting on my desk, because I know I can use it for a head cover.

My grandfather always kept rubber bands around. It used to annoy me, but I'll be damned if I don't do the same thing now. I'm using some as the stoppers on the ends of my knitting needles. They work far better than any of the stoppers you can buy. Sure they break sometimes, but that's fine because it's just a rubber band.

As much as I sometimes think they didn't have much influence on me, I know that one of the reasons I can live poor with moderate success is that I watched how they lived and kept things around. I find myself doing the same things now and I'm quite thankful to them for that. And yes, it makes me incapable of tossing away pieces of old, but still useful material, but as long as I'm not drowning in it, then I think I'm okay.

Bleak Friday

We actually did have to go shopping today, but it was hours and hours after Black Friday. Even still, I advised my roommate not to let anyone kill him. He survived but didn't get much of anything. The shoppers had picked the store down to the bones.

Once we got home, we ate leftovers. For the next couple of days, I believe we'll stay as low key as possible because we have a trip to Tulsa on Monday.  The rest of the week is going to be busy too, with both responsible and festive things going on. I have to go to Tulsa the following week. December is always busy for me.

This year has been so super stressful. It started out good. I had plans and some ideas of things I wanted to accomplish. Then stuff started falling apart and by the end of it, even the things I felt were secure have started to erode. I'm not leaving this year hopeful. I'm leaving it with a feeling of dread, a sense of loss. and a growing numbness. Most of the time, I really don't have anything to look forward to.

There are situations and conversations where I know and have known, that I'm never going to win. I believe, for my own self-preservation, it's time to start disengaging from these situations. I need to pull back, stop wasting my emotional energy, and just let whatever happens, happen. There are points when you just have to stop.

Thanksgiving 2016

The biscuits I took to my grandfather's house were a hit. Everyone liked them and they were all taken home with others. If anything, that is the sign of a successful contribution to a Thanksgiving meal.

I had a good time. I talked to people and made decent conversation. My family is good about leaving politics out of the holiday, so there was no awkwardness in that direction. Really, the only awkwardness was the fact that people hugged me. I'm not really a hugger.

This was the first time in many years I've gone to Thanksgiving by myself. And, of course, it was the first year I drove Blair. The Park Ave is really a joy for me to drive. I found the trip to be very pleasant and meditative.

Overall, I'd say this was a good Thanksgiving.

Day Before Thanksgiving

I finished my first round of the pattern. I'm happy I opted to do this. The pattern I picked is simple and easy to remember. This is helpful given that I'm me. I'm liking it even more since I've started my next row of plain knitting. The contrast is very nice.

Yesterday I was very productive. My hair is cut. The insurance is paid. The car has a new tag. I have a new license. The car has an oil change. I mean, okay, I really didn't do all the production part of that, but you know what I mean. I walked into places and drove around so that other people could accomplish these things for me.

I would have written about all of this last night but the power went out. We were without any electricity until around 1:30 this morning. I really hope that doesn't happen again tonight. It's finally started raining again, after many weeks of it being dry. We really needed the rain, but it's making my everything hurt.

Plans and Progress

I have no idea why I didn't blog last night. I planned to. It just didn't happen.  My plan on the poncho is working well. I'm actually enjoying what I'm doing with it. It's keeping my mind neatly occupied.

I have like a billion things to do tomorrow. I have therapy. I have to take Blair to get an oil change, a tag, and renew her insurance. I'm also going to try and fit in a haircut so I don't show up at Thanksgiving looking like some crazy woman who wandered down from a mountain. After all, only a few of those things are true.

Anyway, it will be a busy day. I hope it will also be a successful day. We'll see.

Levels of Complexity

I think maybe Trump winning will make me a better knitter. I'm trying so hard not to drink the poison or focus on all the negative political hoo-hah that I've decided to make my poncho more complex.  I taught myself a new technique and I'm working that along with the other elements.

The shawl is black (of course) so I'm not sure anyone will notice what I'm doing all that well. I honestly don't care. This added level of complexity is to help me stay sane.

That isn't to say I don't care. I certainly care a whole lot about what is happening. I just can't focus on it all the time. I don't think any of us can and keep our minds from just becoming awful. This is how people get radicalized.

With that in mind, I think it's best I just focus on making things. Being productive will save me  yet.

Serenity

I didn't finish what I wanted to finish, but I made some progress. By the time I finished my post last night, I was just too tired to deal with it for much longer. It will happen.

I got a thing to sit in the passenger's seat of Blair to hold drinks/other stuff. Blair's cupholder situation just wasn't working for me and nothing we put on the floor would stay. It will have to be moved when my roommate rides with me, but that is usually, at most, like twice a week.

As per usual, the answer to the problem was the Serenity Prayer. I had to accept what couldn't be changed and alter the parts that could be. It's almost always the answer for me. Trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result IS insanity, after all.

In the spirit of that, I am doing research on how to best wear a bob if you are a fat woman with thin hair.

Xmasstick

It's possible I may have  the collar portion of the poncho finished tonight. I'm not sure. It really depends on how committed I get to things in the next hour. As it stands, I'm happy with the progress.

I also did some research today on the things I want for Christmas. This is the reason for the title of my post. For some reason, when I'm typing fast, my fingers sometimes type out completely different words than what I intended. When I saved my list, I planned to call the file xmaslist, instead, and I have no idea why, my fingers typed xmasstick.

Stick.

I mean, that can't even qualify as my fingers being on the wrong keys. 'List' is nowhere near 'stick.' Stick is a longer word.

I actually do this all the time. On any given post, I'll type the wrong word three or four times. Not misspell. Not the usual typos. This will be completely different words. Words that really have no connection to what I'm trying to say.

I wonder how much of this has to do with the fact that my mom smoked PCP when she was pregnant with me. Come to think of it, that might also explain my issues with disassociation.

Poncho Plans

Some people have adapted the Ten Stitch blanket idea to other patterns. I decided to do one for a poncho. My roommate pointed out it may be too hot, so I'm going to add some detail....which basically just adds in holes to keep it lighter.

I've still not worked out which one. Love of pattern is always far greater than my ability to handle the pattern. Or so it seems. I should really try to push myself. After all, I did make skulls before. I could do something else, right? Maybe?

At least this will keep me occupied.

Fall Yarn Progress

I finished a hat today. It's one of the various projects I planned to do during Fall. It's part of my therapy. I plan to disengage from politics and other matters and just focus on making beautiful things.

This is less easy than I thought it would be. It's so amazing how people who spent the last 8 years complaining and fear-mongering are now annoyed that the Left are starting to do the same thing. Then again, I suppose that wasn't on their playbook.

Does the Right have a playbook? I sometimes wonder. I saw someone post a word for word rant about HRC that I'd seen on my page from someone. Given the amount of bizarre comments I received and the number received by the woman who wrote the article, I'm also wondering if part of the playbook is something like this:

1, Look for people saying things you might not agree with.
2. Don't actually read what they say because it might damage you.
3. Get defensive.
4. Copy and paste something from the Playbook that seems to fit.

Yup. After that kind of stuff, I'm just going to focus on making pretty things.

Bah

I didn't blog last night because I was too disheartened. I wrote a piece on Facebook that I honestly thought was bridge building and positive about the election. However, a lot of people who supported Trump began to make all these accusations at me because . . . well, either they can't read properly or they're just so wrapped up in their identity politics that they don't see an olive branch when it's extended to them.

I think what frustrates me the most is that there are people who give their opinions, political and otherwise, constantly. They bombard people with how they feel about things, what they believe to be correct, THEIR perspective. Their facebook pictures are political in nature. Their posts are all about politics or articles from people who reflect their perspectives. Always. Always Always.

And most people either agree with them or ignore their posts. They tolerate what they say. They maybe roll their eyes if they don't agree. If they post from some site that is too crazy, it gets blocked. For the most part, however, they go unchallenged, usually because everyone else doesn't have the time to devote to the poison.

However, let someone else post something, something they see as even somewhat threatening to them, and they are all over you. They read things into what you wrote. They go on rants about things that have nothing to DO with what you wrote. They get defensive. They get angry. It's like this never-ending pit of mud for them.

Anyway, I'm done. No more trying to talk to people or bridge divides for me. It's clearly not what people want.

Yarn Plans

Until we actually know how this whole election is going to play out and what it will mean for my life, I'm going to do my best to not think about it. I'm going to keep my hands and my mind occupied with other things. As much as possible, I want to make those productive things.

I think I found a poncho pattern I can do. It's super easy and makes sense to me. It's also a pattern that I can adjust to my needs. I mean, I don't NEED a poncho, but I'd like one. They have their uses. This one is so simple I can just add rows to the pattern to make it work for my body's size.

I'll start that once I'm finished with the current project (that I need to finish tomorrow). I have some nice yarn that I need to make some hats with. I have a big blanket to finish knitting, but that will come as it comes. I have to do a baby blanket, but that doesn't need to happen until February.

Wow

Trump won.

I'm seriously in shock. I'm disappointed and a little scared. Mostly, I'm just in shock.

Oh well. Hopefully this won't be really bad. Maybe things will be awesome.

Voting

I voted today. Very few people were there while I was, but I'm sure they'd been there earlier. The ladies at the table looked pretty tired. I don't know how this is going to turn out, but I will say it's a monumental election to vote in. I didn't even think about it until I was there. It was kind of incredible to see a woman's name on the ballot. Not for vice president, but for president.

I got really emotional about it. When I got back to my car, I sat there for a few and just kind of locked the memory into my mind. Wow. Herstory.

Between Scylla and Charybdis

I am as ready as I can be for the election tomorrow. I've read over my sample ballot and understand the state questions we'll be voting on. As far as what I can do here, I've done it.

Beyond that, I just don't know. I feel scared about this election. It has been full of people being downright horrible to each other. It's been full of mockery and threats and anger. As bad as things were with Obama, he was new on the scene. People have been building this hatred for HRC since the 1990s.

In some ways, I think people voted for Trump because they liked how he would lash out at the other GOP candidates and they relished the idea of him doing that to HRC. They wanted her to be insulted and debased. For people like this, it's never enough to just not vote for the woman who is seeking power. They want to punish her as much as possible.

Will she win? I don't know. I think so, but who really knows at this point. Do I believe women will be better off if she wins? In some ways, in the long run, yes. In the short term, it may make things scarier. There are a lot of people who have sacrificed their civility, almost their humanity, to their personal identity politics.

On the other hand, I don't want the people who are against HRC, some of whom want to take away the majority of my rights as a woman, to be the ones who are in charge. That's very frightening. If it's a question of braving the violence of their disenfranchisement or dealing with their regressive ideas, I'd rather sensible people be in charge.

I'll blog again tomorrow assuming all the things aren't on fire.

Crumbling Foundations

It's been a year to the day since I found out about the Marion Zimmer Bradley sex abuse situation. Off and on, during this year, I've thought about this quite a lot, with a mixture of emotions.  In fact, every time someone else's outing as someone who damages others comes to light, I return to the MZB thing and puzzle it over.

Have I made peace with it? No. Not at all. I'm not sure I will. It would be one thing if this was just an author I liked, but she was more than that to me. Her books were a source of comfort to me. They inspired a lot of my own want to write. They shaped my thoughts about what was possible in world building, in story scope, and in constructing a mythos of the places you see in your imagination.

To know that all the time I was finding comfort in her book someone else was being tormented by her hands . . . no, I can't find peace in that. And yes, I know, MZB owed me nothing. The comfort I found in her writing and her commentary was based on my own needs and sprang from my own imagination. That wasn't fair to her, but it's how it was.

One of the really shitty things about getting older is how all of your foundations keep crumbling. You lose family. You lose friends. You lose faith. You lose heroes. And no, none of this is what makes you YOU . . . but it's still a part of what helped to shape you.

No wonder everyone is chaotic now.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Today is my favorite holiday! Today is the mystical day when I get my damned hour back! This is the start of the all-too-brief time of year when I get to sleep an hour longer. Ahh, I love this. I don't care if it gets dark earlier. I don't like sunshine anyway. I like the darkness. And I really like sleeping in.

Tuesday is the election and I really hope nothing horrible happens. Whichever person wins, I just really hope no groups of people go crazy and cause problems because of it. We need peace and stability for a while. We really need that.

Filling the Ditch

So a week from now, for better or worse, we'll have a new president. People are going to be mad about it, no matter what happens. Do I have hopes about who will win? Of course I do. Everyone does. We'll see. Honestly, as much as the major election matters, the state issues and elections will decide more things for how my life is going than the national ones will.

I do hope that this is the last election where we start the process like two years before the election year. I feel like this election as been dragging on forever. We're all tired of it. We're all exhausted by it. This must be how elephants feel about pregnancy.

When all the smoke clears, however, we all still have to live with each other. We're still friends and families and coworkers. When the election is over, all of us still have choices to make. We can either see people around us as people with value, or we can reduce them to their political beliefs and continue to dig this ditch.

It would be nice, very nice, if we could stop the arguments.

Brush Day

The first day of November was good. We had to clean up all the brush from the yard (as I mentioned yesterday) but that turned out not to be so bad. As much as I've complained about the heat, it actually worked in our favor where the yard stuff was concerned. All the limbs were dried out, which made them far lighter and more easily moved. What usually takes quite a few rough hours spaced out over a few days took like, maybe an hour? It was awesome.

After we were finished with that, everything felt less awful. I'm still a little shellshocked over the drama of last month, but for now, I'm having a good evening.