Looking Forward

It's New Year's Eve. I have a friend coming over and we'll be having pizza and conversation. That should be fun. She gets to see my new cat.

Tomorrow is the start of the new year. We'll be shopping in the morning and then I'll have my black-eyed peas for good fortune for the year. Hopefully that works this year.

The first of the year is also wonderful because it's when people in all of the yarn groups show off their year long blankets. I absolutely love looking at those. I love looking at all the books people read. I love any celebration of progress. It always makes me happy.

This year was a mixed bag. There was a lot of stress but I made a new friend and I accomplished some goals.  There are things about 2024 that scare me (like the election) but for the most part, I'm just going to try to keep working on the stuff I started in 2023 and hope for the best.

Happy New Year.

Almost Over

The year is almost over. We have plans for New Year's Eve, which is unusual and may not actually happen. Hopefully it does though. When this year began, I was starting a project that will take me many years to complete, but this year's part of it went well. 

Also when this year began, we only had Millie. We were still reeling from Tink's death. I don't think we're really over her death yet, but we have a new kitten now, and that's a pretty neat thing. 

Growing Pains

It's been a long time since I've dealt with a kitten. I think in my 20s I was more emotionally and physically active and I could handle the stress that a kitten brings to a situation better than I do now. 

I love him a lot, but I'm older and his constant need to climb on curtains and on the highest shelves and on everything else is on my last nerve. It's a lot. I know he'll grow out of a good deal of this, but right now it's a lot to handle. 

Perhaps I'm stressed because I've not done anything creative in a while. I don't even FEEL creative right now. Sigh. 

Over

My birthday is over. Christmas is over. 

I suppose for what I expected out of them, they were good. There were high points. I talked to my cousin for quite a bit last night and that was good. Our meal today was excellent. 

My roommate and I have carved out rituals for ourselves throughout the month. Things we watch. Things we consume. Places we go. So much of the holiday season is sensory. We both know we can be overwhelmed by that, so small bits at a time are the best.

We'll keep our decorations up until New Year's and then they'll be packed away until next December. I'm going to enjoy our lights for another week and feel happy about them. 

I won't say my holiday was perfect, but it was good enough.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I am turning 50. This seems unreal to me. It's so many years. It's so strange that I've lived this long. I don't feel old. I just feel odd. I mean, odder than usual.

My birthday will happen with no fanfare. We're going to the store. We're having leftovers. It's supposed to storm. I suppose having a low-key day is for the best. 

It just seems so unreal. 

Not Easy

I went to my family's holiday gathering. Overall, it was alright. Yet, whenever I come home, I always feel like crying. I feel unsafe, even though I know I was safe. I'm not sure why I feel this way but I do. I'm glad I'm home. Maybe I just spend too much time at home. I'm glad I'm safe. Even though I wasn't in any danger. I'm glad I'm not panicking now. 

Trying

My roommate and I had a talk about failure the other day, in terms of things we fail to do as adults but find ways around. Neither of us do the holiday season in a traditional way. We have our small rituals and our own small decorations and they make us happy, but sometimes we wonder if we're failing at being adults because we don't do all the things the adults did when we were little.

I wonder about this as well as I paint my nails. I never do a good job with them. They always look bad. The thing is, I kind of let them look bad because it suits my goblin kind of style. It doesn't change the fact that they are messy though. It just means I'm tailoring my style to suit my limited skills. Is that better or worse?

The thing is, I'm just not sure one way or the other.

Soon

This time next week, I'll be one day away from my birthday. I'll be turning 50. This seems unreal to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm that old but I never feel like I'm that wise. It seems like people who are that age should have things more together than I do. I'm just a dumpster fire of a person most of the time. 

I guess it's something I'll have to come to terms with. I'm just not sure how.

Distractions

I've been needing a new distraction and found it in the form of someone's Sims 4 video series. They're going through the decades, starting in the year 1300. There are all kinds of rules they have to follow and dice rolls they have to do for historical events. It's a lot of fun to watch and it's keeping me nice and distracted, which is good.

The kitten continues to grow and thrive. I'm happy about that. We were worried about him when he first came into the house but now he seems to be really doing well. We joke that the other cat sees that as a justification for us getting rid of him. 

As for Millie herself, she's calmed down somewhat to the idea of another cat in the house. They chase each other and fight, but it all seems to be nice and playful. Perhaps she was more lonely for companionship than she realized.

The Unexpected View

Back when video cameras were all the rage, one of my second cousins had one. He recently found footage of my grandparents and posted it.

I can't even explain how this made me feel. I've not heard my grandfather's voice for over 30 years and suddenly there it was. I heard my grandmother's laugh. I heard her trying to be relevant to a conversation and failing in only the way she could. 

I know that last sentence sounds harsh but it's what happened and it's something she did often. It was part of the basis of her personality. She didn't relate well to others and that is just so true to who she was a person. 

I have so many emotions about this video. I've watched it like fifty times. Wow. I'm so glad he saved it.

Cuts

I'm covered in cuts from the new kitten. My right arm is bad. My left arm is really bad. My right foot is pretty bad too. He's little and clumsy and can't help it really. He'll learn to handle himself better but for right now, there are a lot of cuts on me.

It hurts when he first cuts me but after that they don't really hurt. They itch some and they look awful, but they're not causing me any pain. I'm thankful for that and thankful that none of them are very deep. Then again, as small as his claws are, he can't get that deep anyway. 

Missing Her

This time last year, I still had this beautiful girl in my life. Tink was very old by this point, but she was still functioning pretty well. It wasn't until the last few days of her life that she got really bad. 

I've never had a cat love me as much as she did. She didn't love me for a long time. For quite a while, she just hissed at me when I would come in the room. But then one day she decided she loved me and we were best friends from that point on. Mind you, she was still a pill. She still growled at me when I displeased her and she clawed me whenever I crossed one of her lines. She even bit me, but that was fine because she didn't have any teeth. Well, she had one tooth, and did manage to dig that into my flesh one time, but only that once.

In any case, I miss her so much. I wish she was still with us, even though I know she would have very much DISAPPROVED of the kitten. 
 

Better

Things seem to be better. The plumbing stuff is handled and it didn't cost us as much as we thought it would. The kitten seems to be settling down better and the older cat is something to some level of understanding with her.

I have one fic waiting to be revealed as part of an event. When it goes live, I will have written 100 pieces of fanfiction in the last two years. That's an accomplishment I'm very proud of.

I feel like I should celebrate that somehow or reward myself in some way. I'm just not sure how at the moment. 

Calm

The plumbing issue isn't settled yet and I'm not sure when it will be. Hopefully someone will show up tomorrow to fix this but right now we're just in that place where we're playing tag with them. It's frustrating and it makes me nervous that things will continue to go wrong all month long. I really don't want that given that I have other stuff to do. But in the meantime, the kitten is cute and will remain cute no matter what else happens. I'm trying my best to stay calm.
 

December Woes

My birthday month always comes with its own stresses. There is the complicated dance of making holiday plans with my family. There are worries about whether I'll be fit for company. There is just the strangeness of knowing that I'll be turning a year older and the pain of knowing how little that matters.

To add to that, today one of our pipes busted. We're having to deal with it until Monday when HOPEFULLY the plumbing people will get here to fix it. It's going to be very expensive. 

I didn't need this. I'm in enough of a crisis about this month and its activities as it is. I didn't need more stress on top of that.

But here we are.

The Bigger Picture

There are a lot of fitness people being really harsh about weight loss drugs right now. They keep talking about how people aren't doing the 'hard work' to lose weight because they have this drug doing it for them.

I don't argue with people on Facebook, mostly because you can't change their minds.

I've been taking this shot for almost a year. In that year, I have significantly restructured the way I eat. I have cut a lot of things. I faithfully keep a food journal. I keep another journal about my mental state. I weigh myself once a week. I keep a chart of my weight loss. I actively discuss my food choices with my roommate and we make plans for meals. 

In other words, I have made significant changes in the last year. I have made changes that people tell you are needed for actual sustainable weight loss. 

I would not have made any of those changes if I wasn't taking the shot. The shot has helped me to not be hungry every second of the day. It's helped me to view food in a different way. It's helped me to gain some sane perspective on what is going into my body. I needed that and having been given that ability to NOT be hungry all the time, I CAN make all the changes needed. 

The shot doesn't mean instant weight loss. The shot doesn't mean you don't have to do the work. For many of us, what the shot does is give us the ability to make that work possible. 

More Kitty News

We named the kitten Machen after the writer. It is, perhaps, a twisted name to given to a kitten, but it's a lot of fun to say. We considered naming him Poe, but that rhymes with 'no' and that would have confused him. He hears 'no' often enough as it is. 
As you can see in the picture, he is gray and white. He has a little white splotch on his back in the midst of all the gray fur. He has white splotches in his ears and they are the most delightful things. 

He and the older cat are still not getting along. She's calming down somewhat, though she did run out of the house last night in some kind of protest. It's colder though she came back. She always comes back when she runs outside. 

Right now he's stretched out over my leg sleeping. When he wakes up, he'll be a kitten menace for a while, then go back to sleep. He's eating well and thriving over all. 
 

Older

The last time I had to take care of a kitten, I was in my late 20s. It's very different than trying to adjust to kitten energy when you're almost 50. It's a little stressful and it doesn't help that the other cat is being as angry as she possibly can about the situation.

My roommate and I have a plan in place. We basically just take turns minding the kitten. I do my best during my turn. I have a lot of cuts already. He's little and clumsy right now.

It isn't all stressful though. He's very sweet when he sleeps. He has a sweet little meow and he's adorable when he looks at you. I love him.

A Surprise

So a couple of days before Thanksgiving, we heard a kitten outside. My roommate found him and now it looks like we may have a new cat. We tried to find another home for him, but no one was interested in taking in a kitten so we're probably going to be his forever home. He's very sweet, but has a lot of energy. Probably more, to be fair, than we can deal with. He's gray and white with a big white splotch on his gray back. My roommate thinks he's about 6 weeks old.

Our other cat is very angry about this change. We're hoping she adjusts. She was better today than she was yesterday and certainly better than she was the night the kitten moved into the house. 
 

Week Of

This is the week of Thanksgiving. I suppose I should do a thankful post.

First of all, I am thankful for the wonderful friends that I have. They keep me going in basically every way. They are the core of my existence. 

I am also thankful for the new friend I made this year. She's darling and has helped me grow my creativity. 

I'm also thankful for the medications that are helping me. I need a lot of help, to be honest, and the meds are really making a difference in my life. 

Finally, I'm thankful I decided to get back in therapy because that has helped me a great deal. I'm by no means sane, but I'm still here. That says something.

Festive

The garland I knitted is up and looks okayish. We have plans to do different things with it next year. It looks better at a distance than it did up close, but I guess that's the nature of garlands. 

I'm back to working on my blanket. It's another Ten Stitch because that soothes me.  It's also a number I can keep up with. Beyond that, I just love the idea of only using ten stitches but still managing to have a massive blanket in the end. 

This one is moving slowly and will probably take me more than just this fall and winter to finish, but that's fine. It's mostly just here to be a stash buster anyway.

Knitting Reflections

I got my knitting out for the first time since this spring. I don't have any major goals this Fall, other than just getting some of my stash down. The yarn needs to become THINGS.

Also, I don't know why anyone ever bothers buying yarn. At some point, someone gives you a big bag of the yarn they're not using and suddenly you have a massive stash on your hands. I'm grateful for this, but I need to work on getting this stash lower. I even have some yarn stored in my roommate's bedroom at this point. And my bedroom. 

There is just really a lot of yarn.

A Week of Stories

I published a fic every day last week. I'm glad I did. I think I'm up to 95 now. I didn't get a great deal of feedback on some of the later fics but that's fine. Between what I was writing and what other people were publishing, I think everyone got rather overwhelmed.

This is the week before the week of Thanksgiving. Our plans for the holiday are pretty simple and that's what I need this year. 

Finished

I had a project that was due later in the month. The submissions for it opened a few days ago and today I posted my last submission into it. None of them are very long, but they meet the requirements and I feel like I put a unique spin on things. 

I feel good about this. I'm not someone who manages to accomplish a lot so when I do accomplish things, I'm always a bit unsure about how I really feel or how I'm supposed to feel. But I do feel good about this. I'm proud of the work I did.

Milestone

I published my 90th fanfic this week. I should probably get through 100 fics by the end of the year. I'm publishing shorter things these days, but I'm still getting a pretty good response from them.

I have some other goals that are being more difficult for me to reach. I'm doing some research on how to make them happen. We'll see if I can pull it off before the end of the year. 

Even if I don't reach either of these goals, I'm still happy with the amount of progress I've made this year. The year itself has been very difficult and the fact that I'm sticking to my plans is pretty amazing.

A Good Day

I woke up way too early this morning but aside from that, it was a good day. I published some fanfic. I paid some bills. I even got my care insurance renewed. 

Best of all, the cat didn't try to get out of the house. She's been such a pill about that lately. 

Fall Back

The Dark of the Year has arrived. We get our extra hour tonight. I'll be spending mine talking to friends and sitting under blankets.

The cat is going through a personality shift. Sometimes cats do this, but her current one is kind of baffling. She's causing us a lot of stress. 

Speaking of stress, I have my light out to make sure I get enough light during this time of the year. Hopefully things will go well and I won't get too depressed. I'm trying everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen.

Decorations

The Halloween decorations (all I think five of them) are put away and replaced with our Thanksgiving day decorations (all three of them). We don't do a lot for the holidays, but I always enjoy the small display that we do. It makes me happy.

I think I write about this every year. It's fine though. It's a small bit of happiness in what can sometimes be a rather bleak time of year. 

Halloween 2023

The holiday was lowkey but fun. We went out and got food from a place we rarely visit, which was nice and novel. Then we watched a horror series we've been working through all month. It wasn't a lot, but it was something and I'm happy about that.

November starts tomorrow. As my roommate has remarked, this has really been a rough year in a lot of ways and I'm not expecting better out of the next two months. I'm hoping nothing goes wrong and that things are quiet and sedate. That's about the best I can wish for.

Drop

It got really cold. I'm not that mad about it, not the way I would be if it got really hot right now. In fact, it was kind of nice because we were able to get out the rest of the blankets we usually keep around for the winter. This includes several blankets I made myself. It's always nice to see my work keeping me and others warm.

The cat is especially happy because now she has all kinds of places to get cuddles and snuggles. She really loves that a lot.

Misinformation

 Today I found out someone thought something about me that may affect the way they view me. They thought I was younger than I am. Almost 15 years younger. I think the things that one excuses for someone in their 30s just really don't fly when that person is nearing 50. I'm not sure how this will affect things going forward. I'm a little nervous about it.

The thing is, I didn't misrepresent my age. I wrote it down on paperwork when I first met them. This kind of baffles me.

Touching Lives

Someone in one of my fandoms is leaving the fandom for a while. She isn't angry or upset. She still loves the fandom. Now, however, she's started to publish her own writing and it's taking more of her time.  Because of this, she just really can't run the fandom pages that she used to.

People were thanking her for the work she did. I was no different. In fact, she encouraged me to enter an event last year that this year led me to find someone who has become a very good friend. I explained to her how her encouragement helped me to enrich my life in a new way. 

 I know it can sometimes feel risky to encourage people to enter things or to introduce them to new music/shows/fandoms, but just remember that when you do, you could be helping that person find things that make them very happy. In a world full of people who are usually trying to just drag us down, it's so nice to sometimes find those who are willing to actually help us make our lives better. 

If you have to be one or the other, be the person trying to enrich those around you.

No Net

Our internet was off for hours on Friday. I'm not sure of the details and I don't really care. I mostly just care that I missed several hours of doing what I love doing the best. 

This was the day after we had to deal with the light switch issue. There are just so many little things weighing down on us right now. They need to stop. 

How Many Does it Take

Last night, around 1 AM, our kitchen light switch broke. It didn't break in the off position. It broke while it was on and we couldn't turn it off. 

We both watched a video about how to change out a light switch and my roommate decided he could do it. This morning he got the parts and changed it out. It's very impressive that he could do this.

Sticker Shock

We're trying to find a new couch and actually went to a place to look today. They said they were having a sale and we figured we could swing their prices if things were on sale.

Oh. WOW. We were so wrong. SO wrong. Everything in that store was priced so high out of our range. There was no way we could afford any of it. And honestly, that's more than I'm willing to spend on something that people will spill things on and probably bleed on and stuff like that. Couches are lived on pieces of furniture. You can't be delicate with them. 

So I guess the hunt continues. 

Decent

Despite being in pain, I had a pretty good day today. It was a nice Fall day when things were kind of dark and spooky-looking. Even though the darkness can get to me during this time of year, I was able to really enjoy the beauty of it today.

We're having a very busy week and I hope things go well for us. My roommate has to get some things settled as he changes from one doctor to the other and there might be some car repairs going on as well. At some point we still need to get a new couch but that keeps getting put off because all this other stuff is happening. By the time things slow down, it will probably be too cold to bother looking. 

I'm not sure there is anything we can do about that though.

Nervous

My nerves are shot today. They've been shot for a while. I think I've just had too many shocks and surprises lately. I need things to calm down so I can just relax for a while. This is a mess. 

I need a break. I need some happiness and joy. I need things to just be quiet for a while.

Uncomfortable

I have some issues going on right now that are making my whole body pretty uncomfortable. It doesn't help that things have been stressful and that's making me twitch to no end. 

I really need things to heal up and calm down. This is just all way too much.

Scared

The last couple of times we've gotten the mail, I've received stressful, potentially life-damaging forms to fill out. The last time I went to the mail, said form reached me the day after it was due. 

Given that, I'm a bit trepiduous about picking up the mail tomorrow. What fresh hell of mail will be waiting for me? I just don't have the spoons for this anymore.

Tired

There has been a lot of stress lately. It's mostly been in the household, not directed at me personally. Yesterday, I got some stress directed at me and now I'm having to try and deal with it. 

I did everything I could to make the situation work in my favor. I did everything I could. Hopefully it works out.

Running Up Thine Hill

 Someone did a Middle English cover of Kate Bush's Running Up that Hill and it's kind of glorious. I love medieval covers of modern songs. It's interesting to see how much music has changed and all the ways in which it hasn't. 

That was the good news of the day. The rest of the day was a mix of medical professionals not being all that professional and me disappointing others. So yeah, not a great day.

SAD

I'm starting to feel the twitches of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Today was bright in parts, but even still I felt the urge to cry most of the day. I feel the nervousness kicking in and despite the fact that I have medication to deal with this, it's still messing with me. I'm not sure what to do about it other than sitting under my light. 

My mother used to have a bad case of it every year. They didn't know what it was back then, of course. She would be so much worse during the winter months and then kind of blossom back out as spring hit. During the summer she would be her happiest, only to start closing up again as fall returned. 

We have ways of trying to combat this, but there is only so much we can do. Still, we'll try our best.

Running Out of Month

This month has been stressful. We were sick during a good deal of it. There were doctor's appointments and other appointments and car repairs and annoyances. It's even ending with those.

Still, the month felt very short. It felt like it lasted two weeks instead of four. I'm really shocked that we're at the end of it already. It seems like it should have held on longer than this.

Then again, it's also been a rather hot September. Maybe October will be cooler and feel like it lasts longer. But in a good way, not in some oppressive, awful way.

Professional Obligations

Someone close to me had a doctor retire with no warning. Now everyone who saw this doctor is scrambling to find someone new. This is, of course, difficult as all of these people are doing this at the same time. 

The doctor in question could have handled this better. He knew he was going to retire. He could have spoken to people about this when he saw them for appointments or he could have sent out letters in advance or something, anything, honestly would have been better than nothing at all.

Part of being a professional is helping people to move smoothly through difficult transitions. He could have done this but opted not to. Now quite a few people are having to live in medical limbo until this matter is resolved.

Good Weekend

I watched a great movie this weekend, talked to some friends for hours, and listened to amazing music. 

There were other issues going on with my physical body, but I'm going to try not to focus on those and just focus on the beautiful parts of my experience. I'm kind of tired of just complaining all the time. 

With that in mind, it was a good weekend.

Parental Slavery

I've been watching a lot of stuff over Jill Duggar's new book. I'm not surprised by how abusive her father was, though I am shocked at some of the ways it manifested. 

Apparently one of the principles of Gothard's teachings is that fathers should be self-employed and then hire their sons to work for them, that way they maintain more control over their adult children. In the case of the Duggars, this extended to the daughters as well, given that they had the TV show and the daughters were the more popular people on it.

Controlling the finances of people is classic abusive behavior. I was expecting the shaming and the yelling and  the manipulation, but I didn't realize how much the money would come into play here. I should have. 

I'm glad people are starting to talk about how evil this whole thing has been. I really hope at some point, TLC is held responsible as well.

Progress

 I think for perhaps the first time in my life, I had a very good experience at the doctor's office. I'd made a great deal of progress and it showed. She was pleased. I was pleased.

It was a very nice feeling, one I hope continues in the future.

Worried

I found out a friend was sick today. Their health is never the greatest and I'm worried about them. This friend is someone I only know online and I'm not sure how things would play out if something seriously happened to them. How would I ever know?

How would they know if something happened to me? Maybe I should have some sort of protocol in place to where they can be contacted if I die. Maybe that's the right thing to do.

Rough Week

This has not been a good week. Things got disappointing for me and I'm having to start over on some things that I hoped would be progressing. It's upsetting and I really was angry at myself earlier.

I'm not angry right now. It's cool and the fans are off. The cat is asleep peacefully on the couch. So in those ways, life is good.

Annoying Day

Our internet was out for about six hours today. We decided we would find something to do outside of the house, only to realize the car's AC was screwing up.

I called the mechanic and they can't see the car until a week from Friday. Just...ughh. 

I did get my prescription though.

Passing Quickly

It may have something to do with the weather cooling down or it may have something to do with me having a project due on the 8th, but it feels like this month is already passing by very quickly. 

I don't want it to. I want to enjoy the slow easy days of cooler weather. I want to enjoy the cold nights and having to cuddle up under a blanket to stay warm enough. I don't want to feel like I go from a hot summer to the bitter cold of winter with nothing in between.

Cooler Again

Tonight is actually nice and it's supposed to get cooler again over the next week. I hope it does. I really really am over the hot weather. I need it to be some kind of cooler.

I talked to a loved one tonight and they happened to tell me thank you for actually answering my phone. I'm wondering if they've tried to call before and I just had my phone turned off. It concerns me because this person has been in a pretty difficult state for a while now and I hate to think they reached out and my phone was off at the time. I need to keep it on more often.

Rumors

We don't have many places to get fast food in town but I just read a rumor that we'll be losing one of them. It seems our Tacobell/KFC is going to close for two weeks and then open up just as a Tacobell. I don't know that this is true, but it's blowing my mind a little.

That KFC is one of my earliest memories as a kid. It's probably THE FIRST place I remember being taken when I was little. It's one of those places that has always been in my life. The idea of it not being there is just bizarre. 

Then again, if life has been anything the last few years, it's been a series of the foundational things getting pulled away.

Annoyances

There is another wasp in the house. That is the second one today. I know they don't get in on purpose but it's always such a nuisance to get them out. 

I am sick. Allergies are causing me all kinds of issues. My nephew is sick as well. He coughed basically the whole time we talked last night. 

It's already starting to get hot. It sucks that we still have to turn on the AC in September. Everyone is tired of it. Everyone is tired of fans. We should get at least a month of not having to deal with this kind of thing.

Trip

Tomorrow we'll be taking a trip into the nearby city. We're celebrating my roommate's birthday. It's been a few years since we've been able to do that. I'm glad we're getting out of the house and doing something for him this year.

Cooler

It actually has cooled down some. It was still warm enough to need the AC, but not so bad that I felt like I was dying. The nights are cooler as well, which is helpful for things like trying to sleep. 

This is good because I seriously need sleep. I need sleep like you would not imagine. 

It Lied

It was supposed to start cooling down tonight. It isn't. It was supposed to be in the 80s as a high tomorrow. It won't be. It's going to be cooler over the next week but then back to 100s the week after that. In September. It shouldn't be allowed to be this warm in September. This is just unbearable. 

Still Hot and Annoying

The weather has eased up just a few degrees but it's still pretty awful. I was sitting under cooling towels and decided I should ween myself off of them so I could handle sleeping in my horribly hot room. I regret it already and it's only been a few minutes. 

Anyway, we had to run errands today but we survived. Now we just have to make it through the rest of the week. The weather should hopefully level out by Monday.

Hot and Annoying

Today we had to go shopping and it was annoying. For one thing, it was insanely hot. Very hot. STUPIDLY hot. For another, at one point the road was blocked at the hospital and we had to basically weave around to find a way out. At another point, there was a truck from the cable company blocking the road with no signs or warnings that they were doing it. We had to make a weird pivoty back up to even get turned around. 

Everything was slow. Everything took longer than it should have. As hot as it was, we should have been home about an hour before we were. We ended up being out in the heat way longer than was healthy and we've both suffered for it since. 

Warm Again

It got hot again. I honestly think past the 16th of August, the weather should officially start cooling down. We're headed toward Fall, not away from it. 

August of 2022 was such a nice month. I guess this year decided to be hot and disappointing and awful. I'm not amused. At least I have good company. 

Decent Day

Even though it was supposed to get really hot today, it didn't actually get so bad. We still had to turn on the AC, but only for a few hours. That was helpful compared to what it could have been. 

I actually published for the first time in a while last night. I wasn't going to during the month, but this was finished so I figured I might as well. I also started one of my Scribbles stories and I'm liking where it's going.

Lab Results

I got my bloodwork results back. They weren't perfect but they were drastically better than they were when last I tested in November. I'm pleased with the progress I've made.

In fact, it's really good to see the chemistry side of this. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just deluding myself about the changes going on with my body. It's good to see numbers that back up the fact that the decisions I've made over the last 8 months really do count for something. 

Progress on Gifts

I'm starting to get a list together of things people might want and get said things ordered. I'm thinking that by ordering this early in advance, I can avoid any possible shortage issues. Since 2020, you just never know what's going to suddenly be out of stock. 

I'm tired. I haven't gotten a lot of sleep lately. I'm hoping that the next few nights (which are supposed to be cooler) will give me a chance to actually sleep. The problem is, my sleep isn't just an issue of the weather. The medication I'm on also affects my sleep. So I'm hoping I get more sleep but there's no real way of predicting if I will or not.

Trying to Get Ahead

It's August so I'm starting to think about my Christmas shopping. I always want to plan ahead and get things in as early as I possibly can. I think it's helpful and it keeps me from having to worry about it closer to the actual time. I think things will go easier this year because we're not having to deal with the shortages that we've had to deal with the past few years. At least, it doesn't seem to be the case.

First Time in a While

I have not been to a movie since before Covid. I have not been to the theater without the need of my wheelchair since a year before that. 

Today I walked the theater with my walker. I was still winded and I'm now in pain, but it isn't as bad as I was worried it would be. 

I am proud of myself. I'm glad things are going in the right direction for a change.

Appointment

Even though it is over a month early, they are asking me to go into the doctor's office and get my bloodwork done. I have no idea why they want it done so early, but they do.

I'm irritated at the suddenness of this, but I'm not really that upset about having it done. I'm curious to see how much things have changed since I implemented many, many changes to my diet. We'll see what is working and what isn't. Hopefully we'll see good results. 

In the Mail

The very last Netflix DVD is in the mail. When it arrives, the account will be canceled. This didn't have to happen, but without the DVDs, I couldn't justify the price of the service. 

So it's over. It feels emotionally a little like getting a divorce. 
 

The Last

Tonight my roommate and I watched our last ever Netflix DVD. He sealed up the envelop and remarked that it would be the last time he ever did that.

My roommate has been getting movies from Netflix for over 20 years. It's seen him through a lot and been with him through several moves. 

It seems like one of the hardest things about getting older is how many comforting aspects of your life suddenly disappear. It's like one day you look around and all the things that brought you joy are gone. 

It's disappointing and very sad. Netflix had over 3 million people still using their DVD service. They just threw it away.

It Continues

It's still horribly hot. I didn't sleep well last night. I need some kind of relief here. This is very bad. 

The weather is supposed to break on Monday. That isn't that long from now but it feels like forever. I really need sleep.

Hot Day

Today was hot and the next three days are supposed to be worse. We're doing what we can to stay cool but there is only so much that can happen on that front. The best we can do is endure.

I finished the rough draft of a project. I think writing as much as I do everyday is helping me in that regard. I've been queasy most of the day, but I think that's due to the heat. 

Better

I felt better today. It was hot, but I slept well and had a pretty decent morning. That usually sets the tone for the rest of the day for me.

The week is supposed to be very hot. We're making some alternative plans about how to handle that. I hope things go well. I also hope it doesn't get as hot as predicted. 

Sick

I've not felt well for the last several days. This was a pretty hard weekend for me and it's likely to be a hard week as well. 

I'm tired of summer and tired of feeling awful. I wish one or the other or both of them would ligheten up. 

Loss

There is a lot I could say about Sinead's death. It hurts. I'm aching over it. I know her life wasn't easy and I hope she finds ease and comfort now. 

I am very very grateful to this woman. When I was 12, I started listening to her music and it helped to heal and define me in a time when I needed both. I needed her rage, her passion, and her artistry. I fell in love to that album and nursed myself back from heartbreak with it. 

Goodbye. You will be missed. You were loved.

Rough Time

The air quality is very bad right now and it's really causing us issues. I am having to deal with runny, irritated eyes. It's very unfun. 

I should be writing fiction, but I'm just complaining in journals. At least I'm writing something, I suppose. 

Third Day in a Row

The weather was okay again today but it was difficult on me anyway because I was sick for the majority of it. That ended up making things pretty miserable. 

My mother's birthday was today. If she were still alive, she would have been 69. 

Cool Again

It was cool again today. More importantly, it's supposed to be cooler again tonight. This ups my odds for maybe getting some actual sleep. It may still not happen, but hopefully it will. 

I'm still having to make some adjustments to my mask and headgear. I think I have a better position for it now, but we'll see. I really need a night of good sleep. That would make such a difference for me. 

Better

The change in mask size seems to have made a difference. The irritated marks that were always on my nose are disappearing and the marks along the side of my face are clearing up. It's strange to think I've been suffering this whole time because they put me in the wrong sized equipment, but I suppose this kind of thing happens pretty often. 

The last time they really didn't fit me for a mask. They just handed me one and I didn't know enough to realize it wasn't right for me. Now I do. Now I know I should always ask about that kind of thing.

Adjustments

The new CPAP is set at a higher rate than the last two and it feels like a wind tunnel hitting my face. The new mask type seems more delicate than the last one and I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's going to take some time to get used to all the changes.

I set it up last night and it was rather easy to do. It's cute and smaller than the last one. The last one isn't packed away yet but I suppose I'll be doing that in the next few days.

Finally

After three years and another sleep test and travel, I now have a new CPAP. And it's fancy! It warms up during the winter. It has great graphics and an app! 

Most importantly, the woman who did my consultation realized I wasn't in the right size of mask. She said that was why I was getting the damage to my face. With the bigger mask, hopefully that won't happen. 

Rough Day

The meds put me through some rough cycles with my digestive system. Today was a rough day in a series of rough days. I'm tired and over it. I was suffering for the majority of the day and it's been that way for several days now. 

I know this is just part of the side effects I have to deal with. I know that the results are worth it. That doesn't make it any easier on me. Sure I get benefit from it, but it's still hard. 

Hopefully, I'll rest tonight. Another side effect is waking up early. I'm really tired of that one too.

Without Measure

One of the things about my weight loss journey that is unique to this time is that I don't have anyone trying to ruin this for me. 

My mother and my grandmother, as much as they both harped on my weight, were so detrimental to the process. They always managed to discourage me more than encourage me. They weren't alone. One time I'd lost like 30 lbs and stopped completely after some jackass thing my grandfather said to me. 

Anyway, the people in my life now are encouraging. They're helpful. They listen to me and give me good advice about things when I ask for said advice. They're not trying to sabotage what I'm doing or make it some victory lap for them. 

There is no end to have grateful I am for that. 

Recognition

Been on the weight loss journey for a while now. It's finally starting to show to others. That makes me feel good. Sometimes I feel like I'm just deluding myself about what's going on. It's good when other people see proof of it as well. It makes me feel like this isn't some kind of fever dream.  

Hotter Day

Today was hot but it was hot enough that we could turn on the AC and get some relief from the nastiness. We had to go out in it for a while and I was soaked by the time we got back. Still, when we returned it was to AC air, and that made all the difference.

It's off now because we're in the 80s. I wish it wasn't.

I found out some disquieting news today that I need to spend some time thinking about. 

About the Same

It was intensely humid again today and my body was still acting up. I'm uncomfortable in so many ways right now. I'm really trying not to complain about summer but today wasn't a good day for me. 

Tomorrow we have to get some meds and then at some point, I need to make arrangements to pick up my CPAP. Hopefully, that won't turn out to be a problem. 

Worse

The weather was better but everything else was hard today. My body is rebelling against me in every way that it can and my favorite website is under attack. I'm hot and stressed out and miserable. 

Humid

It was sticky and humid today. Our AC doesn't function well when it's in the 80s so we couldn't turn it on. The day was complete misery. 

Threads

So there is a new Twitterlike social media that Meta is doing. I don't think I'll bother joining. I don't keep up with the social media I'm on as it is. I look at FB sometimes and I do love Tumblr, but I don't think I'm on either enough to justify trying to maintain another one. It just won't be happening for me. 

Cool Day

We had storms in the night and it cooled things down for today. We still had fans on, but it was never uncomfortable. The only problem is that we were overcast and never really got the bright sunlight that we need this time of year.

In my 40s, I have become more aware and appreciative of what sunlight can do for my mood. I try my best to be aware of the brighter days and the bluer sky. I know that it helps to lighten my mental state. I know that it's something I need. 

Good Day

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm being positive about the fireworks and stuff. Because of that, I'm in a good mood this evening. We had drinks and watched a mystery and ate hotdogs. The booms went on around us and it was fine. 

Tomorrow I have therapy and we're talking about relationship stuff. I also need to bring up some things to her about situations I'm going through at the moment. Hopefully the session will be productive. 

Making Room for Joy

Every year I get annoyed with the fireworks going off for days and days and days. I stay annoyed, with my jaw clenched. I'm basically Scrooge of Fireworks. 

This year, I decided to not do that. The fireworks bring people joy. Who am I to be angry at someone else's joy?

And you know what? It's made a difference. It's not always been easy. Sometimes I had to sit there and mutter "Someone's joy someone's joy someone's joy" whenever I was listening to boom after boom after boom. But at least I wasn't actively being angry about it.

Tonight I watched a bunch of them and actually felt a little wonder and joy myself. 

So yay.

Pain

I didn't sleep well last night and I'm in quite a lot of pain today. I tried to nap for a while this evening, but it didn't help much. I'm still hurting. In fact, the pain has gotten worse throughout the day.

So I guess the task for the next few hours will be to try to distract myself. Hopefully, I'll sleep better tonight and maybe be in less pain tomorrow. 

Plans

We made our little holiday plans tonight. We won't do much, but we deserve to do something. This holiday doesn't have a 'after the fact' clearance to it so we basically have to make do with what we find beforehand. 

Tomorrow both of us have to pick up meds after we go shopping. We really can't do it before the shopping because mine has to be in the fridge as soon as possible. Meanwhile, we have some basic plans for weekend food because we were gifted with some garden veggies!

Surprise

It was supposed to be stupid hot today but we received a reprive in the way of some thunderstorms. It was actually very nicely cold for several hours and never exactly got uncomfortably hot. It isn't cool by any means, but I'm sitting here under just fans and doing fine. 

This was a nice change in what is supposed to be the hottest week we'll have this month. The next three days could all end up in triple digits. I'm not looking forward to that, but, what can I do? 

Head Games

My brain continues to be awful to me. It continues to torment me with the long and painful history of what it's been like to be a fat person. It continues to remind me that I was miserable at 20 when I weighed less than I do now and I will be miserable when I weigh that amount again. 

My brain is wrong. I had obstacles at 20 (at 30), but not like I do now. Things were much easier then, even easier in my earlier 40s. Losing weight, even while still fat, will make my life easier. It's already making my life easier, even with the small amount I have lost. 

So fine brain. Continue to be awful to me. I remember the things you want me to remember. I remember the good things as well.

Normal

We turned the AC on for the first time this year. It's not been HOThot, but it's not always been comfortable during the day. Today we had a chance to feel normal for a while and that was very nice. 

We're watching a PBS show on Sunday night again and that always makes me happy. It's the little things like that, the little rituals, that keep me having joy in my life. 

Speaking of which, The Last Unicorn was not quite as good as I remembered it being, but it was pretty close. I was happy with it and will probably watch it again. 

Revisited

Hulu has The Last Unicorn! It's been so many years since I've seen it. I watched it tonight and enjoyed it as much as I used to as a kid. It's still very of its time, but that's fine. I had a very good experience seeing it again.

I wish I had a copy of The Hobbit cartoon. It's been forever since I've seen that too. 

Summer Day Stuff

The lawn was mowed and this is a good thing. It had been a while and we were a little worried that he wouldn't be doing it due to illness or whatever. You never know. But turns out he's just been busy with other projects. The lawn is mowed.

I saw the first firefly that I've seen in a long while. I was completely thrilled by this. Just such a lovely thing to see today. I'm happy I did. Also, people offered us squash. My roommate claimed we already had some.

It Hit

It got hotter than I could tolerate for a few hours today. We didn't turn on the AC because it didn't last for long, but that probably won't be the case for the rest of the week. But Sunday we could be in three digits. 

So  yeah. Summer is really here now. Whoo.

Smoke

I feel like I'm just writing daily reports of what is happening in my life with no actual inspiration. It's just this time of year, I suppose. It's also, possibly, the fact that I'm on enough meds to keep my brain quiet for the moment. It's something I need, honestly.

Anyway, someone was burning stuff in the neighborhood. I get that people need to do that but I wish they didn't do it so often. We were both suffering because of all the smoke. I'd love to have a few bright, clear days. 

Late Night Storms

Our area wasn't hit too badly but various areas around us were. We had some lightning and some nasty, heavy rain, but otherwise, we were fine. The power didn't even go out. That's actually a little surprising.

Today I was a bit hungry and struggled some. I didn't snack on anything that was out of bounds, but I certainly considered it. Overall, I think I did pretty well. 

Lovely Saturday

We had a few hours of it being hot but for the most part, today was lovely. The evening hours especially were very nice. Right now we have three fans going in the living room and that seems to be enough, even with my oxygen on.

People are starting to shoot fireworks and I'm trying not to let it get to me. Honestly whatever joy people find these days should be celebrated. Things are hard.

Possibly

My streak of wonderful June days could come to a conclusion tomorrow because it's supposed to get hotter. Hopefully it won't, not quite YET. But it's altogether possible. 

I published today and I'm happy that I finally finished this chapter. It's taken me a while. I basically had to just force myself to write a paragraph at a time because it was so hard to focus. It's annoying but right now I need to stay on my meds so I can keep my emotions in check. I'll just have to push through everything else as I can. 

Rough Day

The side effects of my meds were furious and nasty today. I didn't get much sleep last night and didn't even sleep today when I tried to nap. My whole body is mad about what is going on. I thought I would eventually have these level out but they never have. It's tolerable, but only minorly so.

It didn't quite hit 90 but it was close. We had a few hours of it being pretty nasty. I survived. It wasn't as bad as it would have been last year.

Progress Perhaps

So I talked to my doctor's office today and found out the test I took did show (surprise surprise) that I have sleep apnea and need a new CPAP. Hopefuly that will happen soon, but you never know with my equipment provider. At least the nights I had to spend doing that sleep study counted for something besides just discomfort for me. 

Cooler Days

It stormed the other night and cooled the weather down some. It was actually cold last night. This won't last, but it's been nice.

I've been having to nap during the day because sleeping through the night is difficult for me now. I'm doing my best to make it happen, but there is only so much one can do where sleep is concerned. 

Warmer Days

Today it was warmer than it had been. I was actually uncomfortable, but not horribly so. I need to remember I still only have one fan on me.  I think I'm going to see if the other fan can be plugged in closer so I don't have to dodge it while I'm doing my inside walking.

Foodwise, my weekend wasn't great. I ate some things I shouldn't have, though as my roommate pointed out, these were rare things and not something we'll make a habit of. Still, I need to keep in mind that I have limits to what I should consume and stick to my goals. 

Rainy Saturday

It was dark and rainy all day. This was fine because it also meant it was cooler than normal for this time of year. We didn't get a lot of sunlight, but it was still a very enjoyable day.

I was struck by a taste memory from when I was in second grade, a soup my mother made back then but never made after she got rid of that husband. The soup was astounding. The husband was awful.

It's amazing how you can so vividly recall the memory of something you've not eaten in over 40 years.

Progress

Today going into the city was easier than last time. I had in mind what I wanted to eat and my brain didn't bombard me with other ideas. It accepted that we would eat the small, reasonable stuff I planned. We did. It was fine.

There is a great deal of freedom in that, really. It's nice to order what is basically the smallest thing on the menu and know that you're fine with it. You don't need more than that and you don't really want more than that. I didn't feel deprived. 

Aside from just taking the time to educate myself better about the food I'm eating, I think that is the biggest difference I'm experiencing. I'm not deprived when I eat small things. I'm fine when I eat them. Even if whatever I have is very minimal, there are going to be other meals. This is an important lesson for me.

Continuing

Summer is continuing to be mild and lovely. I'm having a really good time. I'm sweaty but that's just how I am. I'm not miserable yet though and that is very wonderful.

Today we paid a bill and took a drive around the area. The grass was green and lovely in all of the fields. There were birds out everywhere and the whole world felt alive. It was a good day.

Beautiful

I know it's going to get warm in a few weeks, but right now the evenings are so nice. It's cool and lovely. This is the kind of June evening I remember from when I was a kid. I know it won't last, but it's just really glorious right now.

I'm doing my best to try and treasure summer as much as I can. I know that summer has a lot of benefits for me, including levels of sunlight. This time of year is as important as the rest of them. 

Perception

 My brain has been busy reminding me of all the things I've been through because of my weight. It's been showing me memories of different points in my life, different ages, different weights, where I was neglected or insulted or passed over or ignored or humiliated because of my size.

This is what my brain is doing. First it's convincing me that I'm not losing anything at all. Second, it's trying to convince me that if I do, it doesn't matter. All down the pathway of my weight, there have been moments of complete pain. Moments of rejection. Moments when other people cast me aside or made fun of me or hated me just because of my size. It won't matter if I weigh 400 lbs, even though it is a struggle to get there. It won't matter when I weigh 300 lbs. I will still be fat. Even when I weigh 200 lbs, I will still be fat. Even though getting down to 200 lbs would be monumental, almost some kind of miracle. It's still so much weight. 

I feel like I've had to work so hard to be seen by people. Most of the time, people just see the weight. They don't see ME as a person. I get that everyone goes through that, but right now it's just really disheartening and frustrating.

Over

The package has been returned to the testing company. It was received today, a whole day earlier than it had to be. This makes me very happy. maybe in a week or so I'll know the results. 

The sleep study wasn't difficult, but it did fill me with a lot of emotions. I felt very sad and lonely when I had all the stuff on. I was nervous that things would break or snap. I was nervous that it would get lost in the mail. 

None of this happened, thankfully. 

June

June rolled in mostly tolerable. Toward the evening it got hotter than I wanted it to be, but for the most part it wasn't bad. We're expecting 90s soon, but that's fine because the AC will go on. 

We don't have a lot of plans for this month and that's for the best. I'd rather stay indoors and cool. I mean, cooler. Hah!

And Finished

The sleep study is on its way back to its company. Night 3 was easier than the first two nights. I think I was more or less used to the equipment and able to just deal with it. That allowed me to get better sleep, though still not great sleep. I still took a nap this afternoon, like I've had to do the last two days as well.

Outside of that, the day was a bit warmer than it has been, though still not as hot as it often is this time of year. It's possible we won't have a day in the 90s until past June tenth. 

So I'm lucky that I did the sleep study while it wasn't so hot. I'm sure I would have been miserable if I tried to do it with the room in the 80s at night. That would have been just awful. 

Sleep Study Night Two

For some reason, putting on all the equipment makes me feel lonely and sad. I'm not sure why. Just something about putting all of that on my body makes me just want to cry.

I didn't cry, but I wanted to.

Night two went better than the first night. Mostly because I was able to use my CPAP. My breathing was easier and I stayed asleep for longer bouts at a time, even though I still woke up quite a lot.

Tonight is the last night. I'm going to be happy this is overwith.

Sleep Study

 Last night was my first night with the sleep study stuff on. It was awkward as hell, but I managed. I'm not good with tangly wires so of course within seconds everything was tangled and a mess. I sorted it out, somewhat, but I had to be so careful. It's all very delicate. 

The worst part is the face monitor. The straps aren't quite as long as they need to be and it kept undoing on me. I'm not sure how that's gonna work tonight when I try to do it with my mask on. I guess we'll see. 

The finger monitor was fine but it kept putting my finger to sleep. I endured it as best I could. For the most part, it was the most straightforward bit because its wires are thicker and I didn't have to worry about it as much.

The part I was most concerned with was the chest monitor but it proved to not be a problem. I was worried it wouldn't fit but there was plenty of room, more room than I thought there would be, and certainly more than I needed. So the only issue I had with that was that my wire was a bit delicate. I just had to watch it.

The worst part was the bright ass green light. It is seriously bright! I had to do my best to just ignore it. I won't say that I slept WELL, but I did sleep some. Around 6AM, I went to the bathroom and pulled all the stuff off of me. That was enough for the reading so I just switched back to my pap and did my best to sleep for the next few hours. Overall, not as bad of a night as I anticipated.

Breakthrough

I was able to fit into a situation that I've not been able to fit into before. It's a pretty major accomplishment for me. It also scared me a little bit because I'm scared it will go back to being the way it was. I guess with weight loss, that fear is always there.

One of the vloggers that I watch is now down to a size Medium for the first time in her life. When she was trying outfits on, she cried. It was very heartwarming to see. I'm a long while away from that, but maybe eventually I'll get there as well.

Tonight, however, I'm going to try and enjoy the current victory. 

Annoying Night

It was an annoying evening. Not happy with how a show ended. I think it should have gone the opposite way of how it did. 

This was made all the more annoying by the fact that our cable box decided to be a brat and stop working.  It finally came back on but only after my roommate had been on the phone with the cable company for 45 minutes. 

Overall, not a great evening.

Rituals

Tomorrow is weigh-in for me. I don't feel apprehensive about it because I know I've done well this week. If it doesn't look like I've lost weight, there are some adjustments that can be made, but not as many as would be made if I were eating the way I used to eat. 

And I'll know what needs to change because I keep a diary of what I eat. That itself is a pretty notable and new thing for me. 

I guess it isn't NEW new. I've been doing it since January. Maybe the fact that I'm still doing it is the new and novel part.

Less Pain, More Anxiety

I'm still hurting but not as much as I was. This was a good thing as it allowed me to function better through the day. I'm taking it a little easy on my movement though. 

I made arrangements for a test to happen. I'm not so worried about the particulars of it as much as I am some of the outside details. But I've been told it's needed so I'm doing it. 

Aching

I was in a great deal of pain today. I even thought about napping but knew there was no point because I would just hurt too much. I really hope I can sleep tonight. This needs to settle itself down and stop.

Good Saturday

After a day of storms yesterday, it's been cool and very pleasant today. I kept my fan on and it kept me just on the edge of cold, but not quite TO being cold. I'm pleased by that. It seems that our weather will stay this way for a while. 

I did the stuff I needed to do today. It's amazing how much easier that is when I don't have a list to look at. I'm glad I didn't try to keep making myself do the list thing.  

All Day Storms

It's been storming all day and that makes me nervous because I'm worried the power will go out. Again. Again again. The power goes out way too often in this area. They need to do real maintenance on the lines or something. We deserve better than this.

I'm writing this early because the longer the rain goes on, the more likely we are that someone's stupid tree will fall on the line or someone's stupid car will hit a pole or just the stupid lines in general will fail. So annoying.

Uninspired

I wrote for a while tonight but I am really uninspired and I don't want to do anything else. I have this whole routine of stuff I do at night now and I just do not want to do any of it. I just want to sit here and listen to NIN and do nothing else.

So yeah, like a teenager. 

I'll probably do stuff in an hour or so. Right now. Nope.

Contrary

I'm restless and contrary right now. I think it's the weather. Or maybe the light levels. I'm not sure. I just know I feel discontented with my usual distractions and want....something. I don't even know what it is. 

I finished my other journal earlier. I'll try to write for a while, though I doubt I'll get far with it. 

Writing Stuff

So I've been trying to write a chapter for a while now. It was not working. I finally got through it because I switched character POV. 

I am finding that quite often writing is a matter of distance from the story at hand. Sometimes I need my characters to be up close and personal with the story. Other times, such as this one, I need some distance. Distance can help to keep the emotional gravity of the story where it needs to be. Sometimes having a character who is too close to the emotional epicenter of the story can ruin it. It's just blood all over the page.

But this worked and I'm happy it worked. I think I'm getting back into the swing of things with the AU.

Easier

Today was a discovery of easier things. First of all, I had therapy on Friday instead of Wednesday. In both cases, I have things to do on those days. But on Friday, I do the things BEFORE therapy instead of afterward. That really made a difference in terms of my level of relaxation and comfort. When my therapist gets back from her surgery, I may request we change things to Fridays.

Also, I loathe eating citrus fruit. My mouth is just a bit too sensitive for them. But today my roommate blended my clementines into a smoothie and it was so much easier for me to handle them. That made a huge difference in things for me.

So yeah, easier times. Yay.

Light Levels

The electricity went out last night and they had to fix something in one of the circuits. When it came back on, the light levels were pleasant and very nicely bright. 

It made us realize that whatever has been wrong with the electricity has been going on for a while. Nothing was bright in the house, nothing was working as well as it should have been. 

We had a lot of power blips and dimness. We assumed it was just our house. It's old and the wires probably have rats nibbling on them. But this whole time, it's possible it was the system. 

Conclusion? Never assume it was you. Always make sure the system isn't screwing up. This probably applies to all aspects of life.

Important Things

I got a smoothie maker today and I have plans for what we will do with it. Not just margaritas either! Although, yeah that too.

A personal trainer I know was talking about how planning your meals is a good idea because if you have a plan for what you'll eat, you're less likely to make bad choices. I'm not sure that works with people like me. I had plans today, but then changed them at the last minute because I was hot and just wanted to go home. I ended up eating stuff with more calories in it than I planned on doing, which probably didn't help me with being hot. In any sense of the word. 

Tomorrow is another day though, and I have plans. 

Still

I didn't sleep well again last night. This week has been really bad for the lack of sleep situation. I tried drinking a little before bed but that didn't help me any. No reason to keep that up. It's just my brain being too active.

Tomorrow I get my bullet blender and I'll start having more options for my midday meal. That's a good thing. That should be a good change of pace for me.

Lack of Sleep

I haven't slept well in several days and it's starting to catch up with me. I'm just really exhausted today and I'm in very serious need of better sleep tonight. Hopefully, that will happen.

Springy

This evening actually felt like a good Spring evening. It was cool but not cold. The sky was bright for a long time. Things were very nice. 


I posted what I believe to be one of the best stories I've written in a long while. I was very pleased with how it turned out. I wrote lines that I loved. 

Overall, a pretty good day.

New Starts

I published my 75th fic today. I'm pleased with that. It's been over a year and things have slowed down some, but some work is still coming out so that's good.

I did my first official weigh-in today. From now on, they'll be on Wednesday mornings. I'll keep track of them in the food journal. 

This isn't just a numbers game. There will be an actual analysis I do over in the VJ to consider what worked for me that week and what didn't. If I don't lose much or if I gain weight, I'm going to try to not panic or assume things are over. I'll look at what I ate for the week and decide what needs to go/change.

No Experiment

I did not make goal lists today and managed to do everything that I secretly would have put on the list if I had one. So yeah, the list thing doesn't work for me. 

I vacuumed the floors with the big, fancier vacuum. I had to stop in the middle of it and rest, but it DID mostly get cleaner. I'm happy about that. I think breaking chores up into manageable pieces will be the best way for me going forward. 

Experiment

I tried a thing to help me get organized. For the last two days, I wrote down three goals and three rules for my day.

And I hated it. OH! How I hated it. The whole mess weighed on my mind and made me crazy. I couldn't even follow them well. The rules were so simple, the goals were so simple and I couldn't manage them. 

Maybe I should try for fewer. Two goals and maybe one rule. Maybe to get used to the idea. I'm not sure though. My brain HATED this.

Still

Still dreary. Still cold. Maybe that will change this week. Despite the coldness, the lawn was mowed. I'm glad about that because it had been a while, but now my eyes are dripping with protest. 

The neighbor was yelling again today. I don't think there is anything I dislike more than people who can't gracefully handle their emotions. I mean, I get that sometimes everyone loses it. I have, certainly. But with this idiot, it's almost all the time. No one cares if you're angry, you sullen dick. 

Anyway, hopefully the week will be good.

Scale

For the first time in my adult life, I am the willing owner of a scale to weigh my body. I have this because I actually am losing weight atm and want to keep track of my progress. 

The scale isn't as heavy as I assumed it would be and it's pretty easy to use. I didn't weight as much as I assumed I would. I had a number I thought it would be and a number I'd emotionally prepared myself for it to be and it was less than both of them.

Mind you, it was still a lot. A WHOLE LOT, but less than expected, which is nice. I guess. I don't trust it.

I mean, even though I have been losing weight for several months now, I still don't trust it. But I did it three times and it was all basically within the same five lbs. 

Dark and Rainy

It was so cold today we have to turn on the heat. I know in a month or so I'll be complaining about how hot it is, but at least it will probably also be sunny. I was sick of cold and dreary two months ago. I'm really sick of it now.

I had therapy today and it went well. I don't like doing therapy online because the process is too apt to screw up, but today it thankfully didn't. Hopefully, my next session can be at the park. I miss the park.

I suppose I could just go and sit at the park anyway. I could take some time and just go down there and look at the ducks and the wicked, wicked geese. That would still require it being a decently sunny day though.

Reminded

I got really good feedback on my story but I was asked when I was going to continue my AU. I need to get back to it, I just don't quite have the inspiration to do so. I guess I'm going to have to just dig in and see what I can pull out of my brain. 

It's cold and wet and rainy. I wanted to meet in person for therapy this week but that's impossible because it's cold and wet and rainy. I really hate Zoom though. Oh well.

Inspired

After weeks of a dry spell, I finally wrote something this morning. I wrote it and had it published within a few hours. It would have been sooner if I'd not had to run errands. 

It's gotten good response as well, which is always nice. And it's wonderful that I managed to do it given that I've been sitting on two stories that just won't manage to work. They're both fighting me so hard.

Cold Weekend

I spent the majority of the weekend under a blanket. It never reached anything approaching warm. In fact, we had some rain. This, of course, made it colder.

Still, it was bright today. I tried to do some housecleaning and it just ended up a mess. A small section of a floor looks better though.

Bad Idea

I haven't talked about this yet but Netflix is getting rid of their DVD service. It's literally the thing that started the company and they're tossing it (and the 3 million households that subscribe to the service) away. 

This is just stupid.

In a landscape full of generic streaming services, the thing that set Netflix apart was the fact that it had the DVD service. Now they'll just be like everyone else. A company with some questionable and not really all that great content. 

This was probably a deathnail for them.

Tink

Today was one of those days when I really missed Tink. I thought about her all day, about how brave it was that she decided to bond with me, about how remarkable that really was.

I miss how she would just come and jump on me, how she felt so comfortable just being by my side. I miss her purring. I miss her presence. I miss the judgy looks she would give everyone, including me. 

This is really hard. 

The Change

Last week when my doctor's appointment was scheduled, I announced to my roommate that I would be walking the appointment. No wheelchair. No walker. Just me walking. I have never walked to an appointment with this medical provider... that I recall, anyway.

I almost immediately regretted this announcement. I was crippled with fear. I didn't think I could do it. I tried to change the plan several times. Yesterday, my roommate asked me what my plan was. Could have requested help.

I decided not to though. I decided to trust in the progress I've made over the last few months and see if I could make this happen.

And it did. I walked into the building. I sat for a few minutes to wait for my appointment, but honestly not very long. I had some trouble getting up when the appointment was over because my foot fell asleep, but once I had that handled, I walked to my car. I was in one of the closer rooms TO the door, but not the closest. And it doesn't matter. I walked to my car.

And when I sat down in my car, I cried. I'm finally FINALLY starting to undo some of the damage that I've been doing to myself all of these years. Finally.

After Outing

My nephew's birthday party went pretty well. I wasn't as far along in terms of mobility progress as I would have wished, but I didn't have a panic attack, so that's a plus.

I'm in pain today though. My back really hurts. My SIL's car is a bit tight for me and staying in it for that long really caused me some pain.

We have a sudden storm today. It didn't last very long but we had marble sized hail. 

Outing

I have to go to my nephew's birthday party tomorrow night. I'm scared. This is only the SECOND time I've been to a restaurant since Covid started and the first time I've been to one in the last two years. I'm not used to crowds of people or talking to people or being around people.

My mobility is still bad enough that I'll need my wheel chair, which is....it is what it is. Sigh. 

Anyway, I want to do this, but it's making me anxious.  

Better Tech

Last time I tried to do my therapy session, the internet was messing up and everything was slow and frustrating. We spent a lot of time frozen or asking the other person if they could hear us.

This week, we managed to actually have a decent signal and the session went well. I had a lot to talk about. Things were far more productive. I'm glad about that because I do NEED therapy. I feel better after a session. Assuming I actually get to speak and not just be frozen the whole time.

Anyway, having a decent session made things far better for me overall.

Letting Go and Moving the Work

I find that I'm writing a lot of stuff that doesn't end up where I thought it would. I think I'm writing one plot line but then things go sideways and I find it isn't the direction I need or the scene I need. I keep the unusable bits because, eventually, I find places to use them, or ways to expand them out and make something else.

This is progress for me. I've had a lot of trouble in the past getting out of my own way where my writing was concerned. When it stalled, I stalled. When I couldn't write my way out of a scene, I would just get frustrated and stop. But recently I've been better about just chopping out the sections that don't work and doing something else with them later.

I'm basically applying the same logic to writing that I apply to knitting. You know, how yarn that should have been in some beautiful elaborate project ends up being part of another ten-stitch blanket.

Easter 2023

Today was fine other than me getting sick around dinner time. It made for a fraught Easter dinner. The food was good though.  Speaking of dinners, I have one to attend at the end of the week. Hopefully, that will go well. 

I guess we'll see.

The Law

There is a very conservative and extremist federal judge who keeps trying to change things in this country. He should be taken out of power. Judges should apply the law without their own personal feelings, convictions, or lobbying influences getting in the way. This man is showing no professionalism at all.

The key to picking judges should be that they look at the law from a neutral perspective. None of them seem to be doing that. It's disturbing and wrong. Some asshole's personal feelings on a matter shouldn't dictate what happens to the rest of the country. He's not the king. He's certainly not our leader. He sure as fuck isn't god.

Another Rough Day

I think it's emotionally helpful for me to have the Vomit Journal. It's giving me a chance to really unleash the storms going on in my mind. I'm glad I'm doing that because I'd be such a ball of hurt otherwise. 

Whatever gets me through, I suppose.

Rough Day

My emotions were all over the place today. Things are scary out there and it's getting to me. I want to hide in the house and just lock the doors and never come out, never speak to people again, never deal with the outside world again. 

There is just so much hate out there right now. So much hate and lies and oppression. I just am not sure how much more I can deal with. Why do these people want to cause so much pain to the rest of us? 

Pronatalism BS

The reason more women don't have babies has to do with systemic issues such as cost of living, instability, and gender roles that force women to do the bulk of the emotional and domestic labor. Not wanting to have children for those reasons is not a selfish act. It's smart. It's rational. It's reasonable.

IF governments want women to have more children, they need to address the economic issues facing their country. They need to have a program that promotes affordable housing. They need to find ways to lower the cost of food and energy. They need to find ways to take out the emotional and domestic labor issues women are facing.

Though for me personally, while all of these issues are reasons I would have never had a child, the main reason is that I know I would be a terrible mother. I would be a disinterested mother. I would not love the child(ren). That isn't in me. And we're going to have to accept that isn't in some people, sadly, including a lot of people who already have children. 

Children deserve more of everything than what I would be capable of giving them. And the ways in which I could not give to them weren't things I could really change. I don't commit to things. I get easily bored. I loathe the sound of other people's voices and 99% of the time have no interest in what they are saying/wish they would shut up. 

That isn't someone who should be a mother. That is the last person who should be a mother. In fact, THE MOST responsible thing I could do in terms of being a parent is to not become one. 

So stop saying people are selfish for not breeding. Some of them are just being as responsible as they possibly can and if circumstances change, maybe they'll change their minds. Some of the rest of us are assholes, but assholes responsible enough to know when to keep from inflicting our assholery on others.

New Additions

The new supplements have been purchased and their implementation began today. I'll keep track of how it goes with them. I also added a few steps to the very small walk I'm doing. Super small. 

My eating was good today. It's starting to warm up some and when the warmer weather hits, my roommate and I have trouble with food just in general. Even though we had a handle on it last year, the Mounjaro is changing that. I think we'll have to just do some experimenting to see how things work for me. 

It gets complicated. I want raw veggies during the summer but veggies go bad so quickly. I may have to just settle for a day or two of cucumbers or whatever and then find other things to eat the rest of the time. 

But that is for months in the future. For right now, the major issue is just weird storms. No storms today though. It was just nice and sunny.

Rainy Weekend

It rained so much this weekend. It was wet and soggy and cold. Then again, we didn't get massive storms so I should be grateful. I'll like it better when we have some bright days. I miss my blissful, mellow Spring.

I read a lot this weekend. I found some new fic authors and their stuff was really good. I also finished a story and published it. I need to think of where I'll be taking my writing past this. I'm kind of at a standstill with things and need to get motivated. 

1st April

I usually don't get to do April Fools Pranks, but today I pranked my nephew and it was glorious! I'm still chuckling about it. 

It was cold today and the weather is weird in a lot of places, but I'm going to remember I had a good day and I'm grateful for it. 

Damage

I put on a tee tonight and considered all the holes in it. They're all about the same size and in very close proximity to each other. This is because they're all damaged caused by Tinkerbell.  

Tink climbed on me a lot. She didn't exactly have an interest in doing this without claws. My skin took a lot of damage and so did my clothes. 

And as much as it annoyed me then, now I'm grateful for it. These holes are memories of her, reminders of her remarkable place in my life. Now I'm not saying this should be an excuse for people to damage you or your life on purpose. This wouldn't be acceptable from a human. 

But she was my kitty and I miss her. I'm glad I have some tangible reminders of her. Her death still really hurts.

Singing The Song That's in All of Us

"Hi Ren" by Ren was brought to my attention by Amanda Palmer. She said it was what "Girl Anachronism" would have been if she would have done it on guitar and listened more to Eminem. She meant this as a compliment and high praise. I tend to trust her taste in music so I gave it a shot.

Here's the thing. This song, which is a song but also a very frank piece of performance art, can possibly ONLY be performed by Ren. It's very deeply personal to him. And at the same time,  this song is the inner dialogue of every person with mental illness, every person struggling with substance addiction, every artist, and maybe even just EVERYONE in general.

This song is my inner dialogue when things are bad. The darker voice in my head that tells me horrible things and reminds me of every mistake I've ever made. The self-loathing and self-doubt. It's the part that paralyzes me and leaves me up at night crying because it keeps telling me how horrible I am but that at the same time, I NEED to know that because it's the truth. 

The battle here moves from the commonplace to the divine and back again, kind of settling in this metaphysical landscape of both. All of the conflicts in this song is something that struggling people will go through maybe several times a day, sometimes several times an hour. There are days when this battle never stops but just plays over and over again. It's exhausting.

The song is genius. Even the way he breaks the 4th Wall is genius. It's honest and brutal and brilliant. The guitar work is stunning and the acting, because there IS acting involved here, is so very believable. 

Old and New Technologies

I managed to refit back into a bra today! This is a significant thing. But when I did it, I did so with a hack. I wore an undershirt under the bra and that kept it from causing me pain. It was glorious.

That was the highlight of the day. The lowlight was the fact that I tried to do a Zoom call with my therapist and the whole system kept stalling. It was really frustrating and I got nothing out of the session. 

The Other Blog

I found out there is a limit on how big you can make an Open Office document. I had to start a second document for the Vomit Journal, but that's fine. Honestly, I could have just erased the first document because it isn't like I'm going back to read it. It really isn't for reading or revising. It's just for emotional and creative venting.

I need to finish up a piece on Maglor and then figure out what to work on next. I need to get back to the AU but I've not been ready to do so yet. Maybe soon. The Vomit Journal is supposed to help boost creativity. We'll see if it works.

Split

We've been watching The Split. There is something quite delightful about the fact that everyone on the show is equally awful and equally capable of making the worst mistakes they possibly can.

We just finished the second season. We guessed that some of the things would happen, given the chemistry of certain characters, and hoped for other things that happened as well. 

The show makes me glad I never got married. 

Better but Not Great

I'm not as ill as I was. My roommate is ill though. The nastiness of pollen and head colds is hitting hard this year. We'll have to watch things and make sure no one gets sick enough to end up in the ER. The ER around here is sketchy.

Massive Rain

Today was difficult. The rain was really intense, so bad that my car was making protest noises. I feel awful this evening. Just tired and strung out and achy. I need to go to bed earlier tonight and sleep for as long as possible. 

Impulses

Today was an interesting exploration of 'my brain is telling me one thing but my body is telling me another.' We went into the city for the first time in a long while.

This is how the situation used to be for me. I don't LIKE going into the city, even though, objectively, it's a very small city. The traffic makes me nervous and the trip overall used to cause me a great deal of pain. The compensation for this was that I would get to eat something fun. There are places not in my town where I could get food. 

So on the way there, my brain starts babbling about possibilities. Places we could go to eat. Things we could get that we've not had in a long time. Ask him to stop there. Ask him to stop here. Get one of these. Suggest dessert. Suggest bringing things home. Suggest stopping at two places.

But my body was....fine. I'd eaten breakfast around 11 and it was only around 2 when we got there. I had water to drink. We went to the appointment we needed to do and then did some shopping. 

Finally, around three, I was actually starting to feel a little hungry. My brain went into OVERDRIVE with the suggestions. What about that food truck? What about THAT food truck? What about that place? Oh, candy shop. What about stopping here? Maybe suggest we bring something home.

But my body...while somewhat hungry, was reminding me that I don't eat like that anymore. If I ate more than what I know I can handle, I would be sick and uncomfortable all the way home. 

It was a really strange experience. I know that everything my brain wanted was just out of habit and out of boredom and as a way to console me because the traffic was still bad. It's just that I knew it wasn't going to work for me. Eating more than what I've become accustomed to would have caused all kinds of problems. 

So yes. There IS a mental part to this. There is certainly an emotional part to this. However, the fact that my body has finally gotten the hunger part of this sorted out, the mental and emotional parts can be shown reason. 

Oh and this isn't a matter of me having more discipline than I used to. I have no more discipline than I ever have. I just have a body that isn't jacked up and misreading itself. 

Car Ride

My roommate's van rarely gets driven so we make a habit of driving it once a week. It's not a very long trip. It's just a little jaunt for us to make sure the van still runs.

For a while, I wasn't going with him. It was getting too difficult for me to get into the van and a little scary for me to get out of it. 

But since I've lost some weight, it's been easier to manage that kind of thing. I've been riding around with him for a few weeks now and it's really nice. It's been really good to just to ride in the van, look at the trees, and gossip about the local animals. 

I'm glad I'm regaining things like this. It feels good. It makes me very happy. I hope this trend continues.

Busy Week

There is a lot going on this week. I have stories I need to do as well as some other projects. We'll see how it goes. It may take me longer than expected to finish some things but that's fine. 

I'm feeling somewhat betterish. Recovery has been days in the happening but as long as I'm seeing improvement, I'm okay with it.

Warmer

The trend of betterish continues. Less snot left my body. I don't sound as much like a Victorian orphan when I cough. Both of these are good signs assuming I don't regress.

I really hope I don't regress. 

It was also warmer today. We need to find out about the lawmowing guy and if he'll be doing said lawnmowing this year. I hope he will.

Betterish

Did I feel better today? Yes, but let's be real here. The bar was very, very low.

I didn't snot as much as I did yesterday, even though there was a pretty nasty coughing bout. I ate more than I usually do, but I probably need it right now. So there's that.

Being sick sucks.

St. Patrick's Day

My roommate fixed us colcannon for dinner. It was amazing. We'll probably have it for a few more days as well. 

I'm still sick but marginally less so. Wearing the CPAP makes everything more difficult when you have congestion or any kind of head cold. Technically it's supposed to make it easier on you, but I'm not sure it does. Still, the idea of sleeping without is is even more miserable. 

Snot

You know that probably isn't the most delicate or classy title for my post, but's the truth. I have a nasty sinus infection and my whole face is a river. It is very, very annoying.

That was basically my day today and honestly, it was my day yesterday as well. I managed to publish a story, but only just barely. At least I'm not sick to my stomach.

In positive news, I had a good therapy session, took my vitamins, and got quite a few comments from people about my writing. So yay.

Free Sims Content

Sims updated with free content today. It's a new life stage. After newborns are a day or so old, they will transition into being infants. Infants will have a personality trait, clothing, and various skills they can learn.  

I'm not super enthused about this. It's nice, but I honestly rarely play with children in the game. They're a lot of work and kind of boring. Maybe the new content will change that, but I really doubt it.

As the Saying Goes

Certain conservative lawmakers are floating the idea of giving women the death penalty if they have abortions. This, of course, is not a measure to make the lives of anyone easier. If they cared about that, they would make the changes needed to encourage more people to give birth (higher wages, better daycare, better medical access, lower cost of living, affordable housing, etc). No, this is about punishing people. All they want to do is punish people.

I am not at risk for pregnancy anymore. Thank fuck. But I did consider how I would feel about this if it was still a possibility. Quite quickly, I knew my opinion on the matter.

Fine.

Fine. Kill me. If my choices are either being forced to give birth to a child with my horrible genetics, lack of resources, and chance for mental illness into a world where things are worse and more restrictive and limited every day OR I spare someone all of that pain and I get killed for my efforts, then fine. I choose the death penalty. 

I would refuse, and I hope others will refuse, to capitulate to the oppressive fuckers. I would refuse to bring a child into a world where extremists are trying to turn my country into a merciless theocracy. If my choices are to be your broodmare or face a firing squad, load your guns.

As the saying goes, give me liberty or give me death. I'm not going to be your slave. 

Sunshine

I'm going to try and be positive about Daylight Savings Time this year. I am going to try and embrace it for the extra sunlight I was given and be happy and positive about that. 

So there was some more sun. Yay. We'll ignore that I'm insanely sleepy right now.

At the Moment

I've been ill for a bit, shakey and queasy and uncomfortable. 

If I'm being honest, at the moment I really loathe food. I hate it. I hate the whole process of eating and gaining energy and storing fat and expelling things. I hate it so much. It's been nothing but an endless road of hell and discomfort for me. 

I wish I never had to eat again. I wish I could just survive off air or sunlight. I wish I could just be free of the whole process and never have to deal with a meal or its consequences again. 

Mind you, I have been sick for a few days. I know that's contributing to this. I know that now that I'm free from the constant gnawing sense of hunger that my whole relationship with food is changing. I'm sure it will settle on something positive and healthy. 

Right now though...

I'm guessing this is kind of like the stages of grief and I'm squarely in the Anger stage. Seriously, even though things can still taste good in the moment, I really truly hate food right now. I can't even think about it without sneering. 

Cold Days

One of the side effects of my meds is that it makes me very cold. When the cold hits, it makes me bitterly, unbelievably cold and I have to wrap myself in blankets and shiver until I warm back up. This happened all today, even though it technically wasn't all that cold. 

I'm happy I have blankets that I made to use. Knitted blankets are lightweight but also very warm. They're deeply comforting and cozy. When I napped this afternoon, I kept my bedroom blanket on me and it kept me at a more even temp than the other blankets on my bed usually do. 

Anyway I am sure irony will keep this side effect from helping me during the summer. It would be NICE to just be cooler than normal during the brutal summer months, but my luck usually isn't that good. I'll be the same resentful sweaty mess I normally am. 

Better

I'm feeling a little better. My body was still weird all day and threatened me often, but didn't act extreme like it did yesterday. My emotions were all over the place though. There is some anxiety trying to set in. I'll have to deal with that.

I guess other than that, I'm fine. 

Bad Day

I woke up in the middle of the night and I was sick. I continued to be sick for the rest of the day. I had to switch my doctor's appointment to virtual and even then just only barely managed to make it through. 

My stomach calmed down some past noon but then got nasty again in the evening. It's been a few hours since the last round and I hope it has decided to stop again. I have my doubts though. 

I really hope this doesn't last very long.