Pain

I'm at that age where weather can put me in pain. We had storms all evening and now my back feels like it's one solid piece of brick. I'm in so much pain right now. I took meds for it but so far they're not doing me a lot of good.

We have to take the car into the mechanic's shop tomorrow. I'm hoping the problem with the AC is fixed quickly and that it works this time. We took it in last year for this exact reason and I don't know. I hope it's not something stupid making it be hotter than the other side.

I like our mechanic but I hate the packing lot of the shop. It's really narrow and there are always a lot of cars around. It scares me, honestly. I dread going there every time we have to go there and I'm trying not to panic about it.

Needless to say, I'm not having a great evening. 

Almost Over

We're coming to the end of the month. I'm pretty impressed with myself this month. I did a lot of stuff. I actually went inside places and socialized with people. It's been a long time since I did that and I'm happy that I did. 

There were costs. I've also spent quite a lot of this month being in pain. I didn't make the progress that I wish I would have in some ways and I didn't do any fictional writing. 

Still, I went places. I had more experiences in the last month than I have in the last four years. That's impressive.

The Scary Moments

When you live on the very edge of things and every bit of resources that you have are vital, any threat to those resources is scary. That happened this weekend. There was a situation that threatened our household. It was assumed it was due to a mistake on the part of others, but until this morning there was no way to prove that.

The situation is handled and we're okay, but those hours of not knowing have really done some damage. I don't think we'll be calm for days now. We're just not good at handling the scary moments anymore.  

Loss

Today my best friend and I drove around the area to enjoy her new car. It's pretty great. It's the newest car I've ever been in.

We went down a lot of backroads that we used to travel as kids. In some ways that was nice, but in others, it was hurtful. There are a lot of changes.

The biggest change is that I finally saw the vacant lot where my grandparents' house used to be. Like I told my best friend, that house was the first place I ever felt safe and now it was gone. That hurt a lot.

I'm still processing this loss. I mean, I thought I had. The house has been gone for years now. Still, it's the first time I've actually seen it. It's a lot.

Exposed

I have now lost enough weight that people outside of my small circle can tell. They can tell by how I move and by just the way I look. They're commenting on it. I know it's to be expected and I know they mean well, but it still makes me feel very exposed.

I'm not upset or offended by any means, but it makes me nervous because part of me still thinks this will stop, that it will go away. I think nothing scares me as much as trying this, it works, and then it completely fails and I end up like I was before. 

Having said that, I went into A Place tonight that, this exact time last year, I had to use my wheelchair to get through. This time, I was able to walk the whole way and not even get that overly winded. I'm very proud about that.

Revealing

I slept so poorly last night. I tried napping today and it just never really caught up with me. I wish it had. It's been so hard not sleeping. It's really the worst part about being on my meds. My sleep isn't as bad as it was before I got my CPAP but it almost is.

I'm doing a challenge on FB where I list the top ten albums that have influenced me. I'm doing it to where it's recent influences. I've done it before where I listed the influences of the past and I think I was too revealing about it. At the time it felt like a good writing assignment but now it feels like I gave too much of myself away. I just don't want to do that on social media anymore.

A Better Situation

I am in a better situation than I was with my meds. I am now on a different strength that is easier to find. This means that hopefully, I won't be going through the crisis every month trying to get my prescription filled. 

In other news, the kitten has learned to fetch. We now have to play fetch with him for a while every day, then he goes to sleep. It's a pretty good system.

Eclipse

Today my father asked me if I thought anything crazy would happen during the eclipse. I told him we were too boring for anything to really happen. Good, bad, or otherwise, we just have too mundane an existence for anything to happen during an event like that.

Having said that, the eclipse was beautiful. The world as a whole didn't change, but I'm better for having seen it. I'm glad I experienced it with my roommate. It freaked one of the cats out. The other one didn't care.

Progress Finally

I have my meds. I got them in a couple of days ago. I'm so happy I have them. I was preparing for how things would go if I didn't get them but thankfully that isn't something I have to worry about, at least not this month.

I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. We'll be discussing the meds along with other topics. I can't think of a reason why she would change my dosage but it's always possible. If she does, at least the strength up from the one I'm doing right now seems to be easier to locate than the one I'm on. 

One way or the other, at least I have them.

The Med Woes Continue

I called the pharmacy today and they still didn't have my meds in. It's possible that they might have some in tomorrow but it's unlikely. I have an appointment to see my provider on Tuesday. Perhaps we can make some kind of progress here. I'm starting to really worry.

Outside of that, I did more walking than I normally do yesterday and I'm in a lot of pain today. I even snarked at someone on FB for not using a comma. I shouldn't have done that but whatever.

Net Failure

So the internet is out again. I'm doing this on my phone. I managed to handle all of my chatting, even though it was through 3 different apps. My brain was all over the place.

I went into a place tonight. I did okay with it. I think I  am getting better about this.

Med Woes

Due to increased demand and not enough supply, my meds won't be available until sometime mid-month. I still have some shots, but not many. And if this continues, I may get into a situation where I don't have meds at all.

I'm hoping I'll be okay. I'm hoping that I'll just continue to do things the way I've been doing them and ride this out until the situation calms down. But I'm not sure how easy that will be. 

To be honest, I'm scared. I've made some modest progress here and I don't want to lose all of it. I'm really scared.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a big day for me. I went to a movie and also out to eat. I've not been in TWO buildings on the same day in years. I've been so bad about just staying in the house and maybe going to A place once every six months. During Covid, I didn't go anywhere.  Past that, I just never got back into the habit of it.

I went to the Two Places with this cloud over me like something would go wrong. Nothing did* but I was worried that it would. The day went well and I'm very happy about it.

*Nothing went wrong while I was out. When we returned home, the internet went out for 24 hours, but I'm not going to see that as some kind of punishment for going out and having a good time, even if my inner voices are trying to tell me that's the case.

Ups and Downs and Downs

We're doing a Thing on Tuesday and despite the physical demands of it, I'm looking forward to it. I'm still nervous, but not in a dire level of panic.

Speaking of panic though, I had a low level panic attack on Thursday and didn't do some stuff I should have done. Things are better now, but because I put off what I should have done then, I'll be doing it on Monday instead. Hopefully I won't panic about it then.

While we're on the subject of panicking, I had to do an interview on Friday and ever since I've been questioning every answer I gave. Even though I mostly just answered yes or no, I'm still worried I somehow messed it up.

I wish I wasn't scared all the time. It's very exhausting. 

Springlike

It was warm enough today for us to open the doors and let some air in. It was actually a lot warmer outside than it was inside. I went out with my crocheted hat on and regretted it.

I packed away some winter clothes. Aside from a couple of hats, most of my winter things are washed up and ready to be stored again. I'll try to finish that up this week. Some of them go on my shelves and some into the closet.

Am I looking forward to Spring? Yes. In some ways. I like the extra light and I'm tired of it being so cold. I am, however, not looking forward to the bugs, the mowing, the allergies, and the eventual summer of it all. 

There is nothing I can do about it though. Time marches forward.

Rough Day Again Again

My sinuses were causing havoc on my body today. It wasn't fun to be in my skin. My stomach still isn't settled from all of it and I'm not sure how well I'll sleep tonight.

On a brighter note, I got in contact with our lawn mowing guy and he'll still be mowing for us this year. Hopefully there will be no glitches with that. 

Successful Continuing

I realize that most people's lives have returned to normal after Covid, but mine really hasn't. I still mostly stay in my house. If I go out, I usually don't leave the car. Outside of seeing my family once a year and the occasional doctor's visit, I don't see other humans.

I'm trying to change that though. The process is slow. We're occasionally going out to places to eat. Recently we've eaten out twice. The place was very small though so I did alright.

Today we went to a larger establishment. Part of me was really frightened by this. It was more people than I've been around in years. They were everywhere. I did my best not to stare and not to act timid. My roommate noticed this and asked me about it later. I reminded him that he goes out to the store and can handle being around people better than I can.

So I count today as a big success. I was out. I went into A Place and existed around Other People. I'm physically sore and mentally spaced out by it, but it's one more step to getting back to normal.

Successful

My roommate took Machen to have his neutering surgery yesterday. The procedure was successful and he's recovered quickly. In fact the first thing he did when he was out of the cat carrier was to jump on a table he's not supposed to be on. 

Millie was very happy when he was gone. She sat on my roommate's lap or mine basically all day, basking in the quiet and the joy of being the only cat in the house. 

She was very disappointed when Machen returned. She hissed and growled at him and hasn't forgiven any of us that he's back. 

Spring Foward

Am I looking forward to the extra sunlight? Yes. Am I looking forward to waking up an hour earlier? No. 

I didn't have to use my light box much this year but I think maybe that's because I knew it would be a hassle to get it down with the cat involved. Now it needs to be put away and stored along with some of my winter clothes. 

Am I happy we won't have any more snow? Yes. Am I looking forward to all the bugs and heat that come with Spring and Summer? No. 

We ordered meds for the cats and soon we'll be washing all the winter blankets. I'll miss the comfort of cozy warmth as it changes into uncomfortable warmth. 

I'm ready for winter to be over but I'm not quite ready to endure Summer. May Spring be long.

Enemy Within

The house has been having some issues and I can't make myself calm down about it. There is this creeping sense that things will go wrong again and that it will be something I did. I just can't keep the anxiety at bay about this. I'm not sure what to do.

I have meds, but they really work best under the assumption that things are fine but my brain chemicals are out of whack. It's completely different when things are NOT fine and my chemicals are also out of control. My brain is basically torturing me right now. I hate this.

Outing

We went out yesterday to try and have something to do. Mostly it was just about looking at the pretty blooms on the trees and getting something to eat. The trees didn't disappoint. The food did.

I'm more cautious these days about what I get to eat because I know I can eat too much and make myself uncomfortable. But even with that in mind, the food was still far more expensive than it used to be.

Yes, I realize everything is more expensive these days, but it's basically to the point where places that used to be accessible to us are out of our price range. I just can't justify spending more money on one meal than we used to spend on two. 

The frustrating thing is that post-Covid, due to a lot of reasons (mostly health-related), we really didn't go out at all. I can count the number of places I've been inside of last year on one hand. That probably isn't very healthy. So we're trying to start venturing out more and find the normal that we used to have. But the expense of it is making it almost impossible to do this.

Drama Day

I'm on a medication that is very, very popular right now. It is so popular that when I called in my reorder, they told me they were out and didn't know when it would be back in. 

I called around to other pharmacies to see if they had any. Only one pharmacy in town had my medication and they only had one package left. This caused a scramble of me contacting my doctor and getting my prescription switched over to that place. 

I mean, this only ate up like an hour of my life, but it was a very trying hour. 

Special thanks to my roommate who did all the footwork here. I don't know what I would have done without him.

Rough Day

I was sick all day and still not feeling that great tonight. I hope I get sleep because I really need it. My sleep has been really bad lately and I'm not even sure if there is anything I can do about that. I wake up suddenly and have trouble going back to sleep. It's troubling.  

Warming Up

It's warmer now than it usually is in February. I'm in shorts and a sleeveless tee and I'm still too warm. It's because of my oxygen machine, I'm sure.

I'm dreading the coming warm months. I never do well during them and this year probably won't be any better. As much as I dislike winter, the warmer months cause their own problems. 

Fan Things

In the Tolkien fandom, it's Maedhros and Maglor Week. I'm participating by writing a story (and publishing) every day. That part has been a lot of fun. It's been good for me because I've actually had inspiration to write the whole time. 

It's also been really great to read other people's fics and look at their art. Some of the fics I've read the last few days have been so amazing. I'm really impressed with all the stuff people put out for this celebration.

A Good Day

My back hurt today. It hurt a lot today, but outside of that,  the day was pretty good. I published a fic and wrote another one. I watched a video over a book I wanted to read. I talked to my friends.

 I've been in this pretty dark headspace for a while now. And there are things going on that are leading to that. I'm scared, honestly, most of the time I'm just really scared. I try to talk myself out of that, but it's difficult. 

So when I have days when the fear and the depression aren't too bad, I like to point it out to myself. Today was that kind of day. I was in pain, but otherwise, it was good.

Slowly Coming Back

I'm starting to get a little more inspiration to write. It's been slow but it's returning. I only wrote two things last month (though one of them just came out yesterday) and this month I'm working on my third fic already. 

I don't know. Maybe it's the dreary days that have been getting to me. Perhaps now that I'm getting more sunlight my inspiration is coming back. Maybe I just needed some direction in terms of what to do next. Either way, it's good that I'm spending a little time working on stuff. I needed it. 

Valentine's Day Eve

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I don't know that we'll be doing anything for it. We might pick up something fun for lunch, but I'm not sure. It seems there should be some acknowledgment. We deserve to celebrate holidays just like everyone else.

Today was nice. It was sunny and that was such a change from the darkness and cold of the last few days. I'm very much ready for Spring even though I admittedly am not looking forward to Summer. 

Blocked Still

Okay my writer's block is back. I'm even having trouble writing anything, even my daily journal. My brain is just stuck so hard and I don't know how to unstick it. I hope this goes away as it starts to warm up. Spring can be a good time for me. 

Well, sometimes Spring can be a good time for me. Other years it's stressful and full of storms and fear. Hopefully this year it won't be stressful. I would love to have a Spring that's just mellow and lovely and full of creativity. 

This Time of Year

My roommate talked about how he feels scattered this time of year. I completely agree with that. It feels like I can't focus and like I can't keep things going. I mostly just want to sleep and find sleep difficult. I'm scared but then again I've been scared for a while now.

Things are frustrating. I'm not meeting my goals. I don't have any energy. I'm taking lots of meds for my mental health and none of them seem to be working. Or worse, maybe they are working but this is just as good as it's going to get right now.

Several years ago when Spring arrived I felt all mellow and wonderful. I wish that would happen again. I need that.

Bills Paid

My bills are paid for the month. This is a little earlier than usual but we needed to be out today so everything got handled. I'm happy about it. I always feel better when the bills are paid and I don't have to think about it for the rest of the month.

Outside of that, I'm dealing with some damage to my face from the mask I have to wear at night. I'm trying my best to deal with it, but it isn't easy given that I put the mask on every night. Oh well, if it doesn't get better maybe my doctor can help me with it.

101

I recently wrote my 101st fanfic and it's doing rather well. I think people were pleased with the direction I took it. I rarely write something strictly romance but this time I felt that I should. It turned out to be enjoyable. It's a one shot. I don't think I would even need to expand on it. And in its own way, that makes it even better. I like the idea of writing something that is complete in and of itself. 

Not Alone

It seems that basically everyone is in a horrible place right now. Elmo asked people how they were doing on Twitter and it sparked an avalanche of responses. Everyone is doing awful. Things aren't good. People are scared. 

So it isn't just me. It isn't just my little bubble of hell that is acting up right now. It's everyone's. I don't exactly know how to feel about that. 

Levels of Anxiety

The car was still working today. Yay. I'm glad. I have to admit I didn't expect it to. I don't expect it to from now on, honestly, because that's just how my brain works now. I've gotten such horrible anxiety lately. Even though I have meds to help me with it, they just barely scrape the surface of all the hell that is going on inside my mind.

It leaves me so exhausted. I know I've been anxious before but this just seems so much worse. I'm so tired of it. 

Car Woes

My car has been acting up since the snow and today the battery finally died. I took it to the mechanic and they put a new one in. 

The car is working better now, but I'm nervous. I know that cold weather can drain batteries that are starting to get low anyway, but I still get nervous when I take things into the shop. Usually other trips have to be made. I hope that isn't the case here, but my nerves have been so shot I can't really calm myself down about it.

Foundation Season 2

Just finished Foundation Season 2. Overall I liked the season, even though I felt like certain plotlines were dragging through part of the season. In the end, I think things ended well. 

There were characters that I wanted to live who didn't and a few who lived that I would have rather they didn't, but for the most part, I can live with how things turned out. It was truly satisfying to see Day's fate. 

As always, the costume design was great. The scenes were beautifully done. Visually, the production was stunning. I will never fault the show on that side of things.

There is a certain backstory that they gave to a character that doesn't exactly run contrary with who this character is, but it certainly takes liberties. I can live with it, but only if the character still ends up being who they're supposed to be in the end. 

Despite some flaws and one very, very annoying character, I was more pleased than displeased with the season.

Water Issues

As if things weren't bad enough, our city is now experiencing issues with the water. Some areas of town have no water, while others have low pressure. They're asking people to conserve water, though I'm not sure how that works when everyone has to run drips to keep the pipes from freezing. If people don't have drips and their pipes freeze, we'll have a bigger water crisis on our hands, as all of that will need to be fixed.

This is just so stressful. And the worst part of it is that this is the 4th or 5th water shortage we've had in the last 12 months. It's getting old.

Snowing

The snow has arrived and brought freezing temps along with it. The kitten trilled at the snow and seemed excited about it. He's the only one pleased.

We went shopping early, hoping to miss the start of the snow. Unfortunately it started about halfway through the trip. My roommate drove us home, thankfully.

I do not like this.

No Muse

I have not been inspired to write anything for a while now. I wrote two things last month and one of them came out this month. Right now, the well is dry. I have no inspiration at all. Maybe this will change when I'm less stressed out. Right now I'm worried about the weather. 

Hopefully it will change in a week or so. I have an assignment for an event due by VD. I need to have it written soon so I can edit it and submit it. 

Avoided

Today was predicted to be our first day of snow and that didn't happen. It's possible it could be Friday. Right now it's just saying rain, but it was saying snow earlier so that could change. 

What is looking more likely is that it will snow on Sunday night and into Monday. Hopefully it will be Sunday evening because that way we can shop on Sunday morning without too much danger. Yes, I realize that lots of people drive around in the snow with no problems but I am not one of those people.

Anyway, it's supposed to get bitterly bitterly cold next week. I need to fold some clothes because all of my warmer stuff has recently been washed. Right now I'm wandering around in red leggings which are not the kind of thing I would wear out in public. Again, it's fine if other people do, but I only go out in black.

Bad Weather Ahead

We're expecting snow twice this week. We'll have to find ways to work around this as far as shopping is concerned because I am not driving in the snow. I will not. It's too hard on my nerves and quite frankly it's too hard on the car. 

This year things will be different. We can buy a whole week's worth of groceries or we can wait until the snow melts and just use up what we have in the house. I don't care which, I just know I am not driving in the snow. 

Issues Settled

Yesterday I had two issues settled that had been looming for a while. I wasn't sure how either of them would turn out and the potential for them turning out bad was certainly there. Thankfully, both of them turned out well for me. I feel a great sense of relief even though it made a good deal of yesterday stressful.

The story I wrote for the Secret Santa has been published so I officially have 100 pieces of published fanfiction. It's not as many as I wish I had published, but it isn't a bad number either. 

On an interesting note, the prompt that I had for the Secret Santa was taken by two different authors and I really loved what both of them did with it. That was a really neat experience. 

Still Apprehensive

I've been dealing with a lot of fear lately. A lot of panic. My therapist has some theories about it and I'm somewhat accepting of them and somewhat not. I wish I wasn't so scared. I'm going to try her techniques to calm myself down. Still, it would help if the fear wasn't there in the first place.

Even sitting here and writing this there are half a dozen things my mind is trying to make me panic about. I'm on medication for this! I shouldn't be dealing with so much mental torture.

First Day

People didn't post their blankets and other yarn projects like they usually do. Maybe no one finished theirs this year. 2023 was hard on a lot of people. Maybe no one had the spoons to really get through their projects. 

I entered the new year with a lot of trepidation. The first of the year always scares me. I've had a lot of bad things happen during the first few months of the year. Ten years ago, it was when my body decided to try to bleed to death and I found out I had cancer. Other years it was my roommate's health that fell apart. One year it was a tax issue. 

As I said, last year was rough in a lot of ways. I just don't have the spoons for big scary things right now. I don't have the courage to deal with a lot. I need things to be calm and quiet. I need some time to recover from all the things that have been stressing me out for so long. I need a quiet, easy year. I probably won't get that, but it's what I need.