First Withouts

Earlier this year, one of my second cousins committed suicide. Today would have been her birthday. 

One of her aunts made a birthday cake for her and shared it with her (own) sons. She told them about their cousin and what it was like when she was born. This girl was the oldest grandchild, the one who redefined things for the family. Now she's gone. 

My cousins lost their mother last year. We're inching near the anniversary of her death. This is going to be a complicated October for them. 

We have all lost so many people in the last two years. So many people are going to be through days that are 'first withouts.'

Controlled Fires

They're doing some cutting and burning around the river. It's probably needed, but the smoke has been horrible all day. Everyone in my house hated it. Tink hid under my bed.

It's better now, but it still messed with us. The smoke ruined what was an otherwise great weather day. Things should start cooling down and I'm glad for it. I have plans. 

Little Things

The plumber was supposed to call before he arrived. I was counting on this and had my phone next to me for hours so that I could receive this call and make the necessary steps to prepare for his visit.....like, you know, peeing. 

Instead, he just showed up unannounced. My roommate let him in, which was good because I was in my bedroom in my underwear. No one got to pee beforehand. At least he didn't take too long.

Oh but THEN the lights wanted to flicker and act up. Bastard house.

For Dear Life

The heat is back and holding for dear life. It's supposed to be gone later in the week, but for now, it's super annoying.

We had to call the plumber because our toilet is hissing at us all the time now. I hope this isn't anything major. I really don't need the stress of that. I mean, who does, yeah?

I wanted to review my summer. I should have done this a few days ago, but here we are. 

So.....okay, it was a good summer. I mean, it was hot and annoying at times, but overall, it was good. I learned a lot of stuff I didn't know before. I made some fundamental changes in my life. I ended summer happier than I was when it began. I ended summer with more focus and clarity than I had when it began.

I have things in my life and ideas in my head that I did not have four months ago. That's good. That's neat. Progress is a hell of a drug. 

Weekend Review

I should have written this last night but I was busy with some stuff and forgot. My weekend was really good. 

The addition to the weekend was the first two episodes of Foundation. The set pieces are stunning. The acting is good. Foundation is a difficult work to tackle and I think they're making the adjustments they need to. 

My only concern is that I know the thing I'm enjoying about it the most is Lee Pace's batshit take on Emperor Cleon. I mean, he's amazing. But the way the narrative moves, I know he won't be here for the whole of the series. Hopefully I'll still like it as much without him.

254 Days

There is a large span on how long it takes something to become a habit. The range is anywhere from 18-254 days. The average is 66 days. 

I know that I have made changes in my life that lasted over 18 days. I abandoned them. I'm pretty sure I've made changes that lasted over 66 days and I abandoned those as well. I'm guessing that I will be one of the people who have to stick it out for well over 200 days before it stays with me. Sigh. 

Well. Okay, I guess that's the goal then. I've been changing some small things (that have pretty nice results). I want to keep them in my life, but I also KNOW my life and know how things like this get tossed aside. I don't want to do that. The problem is, I don't want to do that right NOW. I guess we'll see, yeah?

My Dark Humor

I've been keeping most of my dark humor to myself. For the most part, only those closest to me get to hear the stuff. It's how I cope, but I also know it isn't how everyone copes. I'm not going to be offended, I'll never be offended if someone doesn't find me funny. I mean, okay, I probably did when I was younger, but not now. I'm more secure than that.

It's been out in full force of late. I actually see this as a good thing. For a long while, I was sunk so deeply in the deep water that I couldn't even find humor in it. Now that's starting to come back and I'm starting to feel more like myself.

Progress.

Welcome Fall

Again I accomplished the goals I wanted. Again, I'm really super tired. I mean, I guess it's better than being tired and NOT accomplishing anything, but still. 

Today is the first day of Fall. It isn't exactly consistently cool yet, but we're getting there. I survived another Summer. My roommate and the cats survived another summer.

I socially distancely saw a friend on Tuesday and will see one tomorrow as well. That's a lot of socializing for me, but it's also a good thing.

Low Energy

Did I meet my goals today? Yes. I did what I set for my health. I visited a friend. I folded some clothes. Did I have any energy left after all of that? No. No I did not.

Maybe it's because it was cooler today. It was pleasant and breezy and just the perfect weather. My body wanted to sleep so hard. It just wanted to cuddle into a blanket and nap for hours. This didn't happen. 

Tomorrow, we may nap. It's supposed to be cooler again. 

Fear of Derailment

I am making slow but sure progress. I am stronger than I was at the beginning of summer. I am more focused than I was at the beginning of summer. I have some clarity about my day-to-day plans and activities. 

And I wish I could just be positive about this, but I'm not. I've been here before. I've dug myself out of this hole at far higher levels than the one I've fallen to this time. And every time, I have stopped digging and just let myself sink and sink and sink. I am terrified I will do it again.

Last night I had a nightmare about it. I dreamed I broke my leg and ruined everything. Every time I walk, I get scared I'll trip and fall and break something or bruise something or do SOMETHING to screw this up.

I don't think this is unreasonable fear as I've done this my whole life. 

I mean, what kind of person has broken both their top two vertebrae (and it not been treated) and also their coccyx? It's like my spine was doomed. 

Anyway, let's hope for no derailment. OR at least if there is a derailment, I can pull myself back on the track, yeah? Please?

Quiet Sunday

Tomorrow it is supposed to be in the 90s but then we get a couple of days of weather like 20 degrees below that! I'm so excited! It probably won't actually happen but I choose to be excited anyway. 

The daughter of my grandfather's widow has finally moved out of his house. Everything was stripped out of it. No idea if anything can be recovered, but at least they're gone and hopefully out of our lives for good.

Nourishment

Today I saw quite a few articles and videos and comments by people that I ignored. I'm not trying to brag here so much as explain why. I've probably talked about this before but I think it needs repeating.

Our diet is not just what we eat. It involves all the things we bring into our being. It includes what news we allow, what people we allow, what comments we choose to read.  Like food, all of this fills us. Like food, all of this has an effect on us. If we listen to stories that make us unhappy or angry, if we read the posts of people we know will outrage us, if we talk to those who constantly drain us, we are doing a disservice to ourselves.

I'm not saying ignore the world. I'm not saying to never face anything that is difficult. I'm saying that if you dwell in negativity, you will have nothing but negativity. Life is going to throw enough of that at you anyway. Don't go looking for it.

More Pictures from the Past

My aunt posted a picture of my father's father's mother's mother last night. I'd never seen a picture of her before and that was pretty neat. I liked that I didn't have to have mixed feelings about this one.

I don't know a lot about her. I know she was twice widowed. I know she came here from Italy and worked as a washwoman in the small town in Arkansas where she settled. I know she didn't speak English, but she understood it. My grandfather would speak to her in English and she would answer in Italian. I know he adored her and I know that because of the look in his eyes when he talked about her.

In the picture, her shirt has a wild pattern and that made me really happy.

Brain Experiments

I've been watching a DMT simulation for the last couple of days. I can never really handle it for more than 15 minutes because the motion starts to get to me. That might change. I hope it does, honestly. I find the simulation interesting.

The creator said they were trying to get as close to the actual experience as they could. The audio is a lot of random noises and non-sequesters. There is an industrial element to it, but only somewhat. One of the things I find fascinating about DMT sims is how things are never QUITE fully there. I assume that is to add to the effect, this sense of your mind never really wrapping itself around what is happening.

The visuals on this video work in that way as well. You never see them for too long......just long enough for it to make an impression. Some of them are beautiful. Some of them are really terrifying in their alieness. Some of them feel like they're on the edge of being comprehensible and your brain starts trying to make sense of them. Some feel like things you think you MIGHT have seen before. All of that just comes in this rush and you never really stay on one emotion or response long enough for it to become a full picture. 

All of this appeals to me. 

Dream Friend

Content Warning: Discussion of suicide.

I have a friend from high school who killed himself about ten or so years ago. It was a shock. I think about his death quite often and I wonder what led up to it. As someone who lives with suicidal ideation and has a pretty nasty battle with it from time to time, I get it. I know how this happens. It's just difficult to come to terms with.

I dream about him sometimes. The dreams are always emotional. It's always him finding better things in life. Last night I dreamed he was playing guitar. The whole room cheered for him. I remember hugging him and telling him I was proud of him. It seems cheesy now that I'm awake, but it was really important in the dream.

Quiet Weekend

It was a pretty good weekend. We watched a movie and enjoyed the cooler weather. It's still getting hot enough to turn on the AC in the latter part of the day, but during the morning it's really nice.

Tinkerbell has decided she wants to sit on the ottoman in front of me. I love this! It means she's not in front of my computer screen. She's mostly content to just rest against my feet.

Some lizards have figured out that they can tease Millie but that she can't get to them as long as they stay on their side of the screen. I'm thinking her little brain may explode if she gets too much lizard attention. 

As far as the end of the summer weekends go, this one was pretty great.

RIP Marion

My step-grandmother has died. She didn't like me and I didn't like her. She caused all kinds of trouble for the family and did her best to keep us away from my grandfather. She was ambitious to see her children get everything of his. For the last 20something years, she's mostly just been a thorn in everyone's side.

Despite that, I feel bad that she died. I hope she had people around her who loved her when she passed. I hope she had friendly words and kind looks given to her. I hope she finds peace.

Generational Trauma

My uncle posted a picture of his grandparents. I downloaded it and I'll keep it around, but it's strange to me. My great-grandmother was abusive to my mother. She is one of the main reasons my mother was as messed up as she was. 

My mother's pain warped my childhood and warped my brother's. I try to fight against this and I am sure he does as well, but every day, something hits me that pulls me back to that hell. And I can see, in my brother's children, how these patterns affect them as well. 

So here is this picture of this woman, a woman I met as a baby but do not remember meeting, and the things she did are affecting the people around me. Even now. Years and years later. 

Our actions have ripples. We all know that. I think sometimes we don't realize how far-reaching those ripples can be. It's something we should think about more often.

Both Hells

Ahh, September. I knew you'd be a bitch. September in Oklahoma has decided of late that it will join two hells together to create a special kind of misery. I speak of course, of heat and allergies. 

It's cooler at night, which is a blessing, but during the day it's still miserable. We're still dealing with temps in the 90s. This weekend it will be the high 90s again. This means all the bugs and other nasties will stay around as well. 

But at the same time, we get the Autumn Evil that is ragweed. It's so bad already my roommate is dealing with nosebleeds. I have a sinus fever and can't stop sneezing. This sucks. 

The Worst News

Someone I love has Covid. 

He couldn't get the shot because his family is conservative and refuse to vax for whatever reasons those people have. Most of the intelligent conservatives I know still got vaccinated. But not this kid's parents.

I'm frustrated and angry. I'm scared. He tells me he's going to be fine, all the while making very little sense as we talked. He tells me doesn't feel anything one minute but then admits it's been horrible the next. I'm not sure if he's downplaying it because he's scared or if he's downplaying it because he's embarrassed. 

I can't believe I live in a world where people refuse to get lifesaving medication for their children. I can't believe I live in a world where political and propaganda leaders have convinced their own followers to die if it means the opposition looks bad. 

I'm scared.

Cooler Night

Even if it's staying hot during the day, it is, at least, getting cooler at night. I was able to sleep last night and wake up feeling decent. Yay.

The cat is insisting I hold her as I type, so I'm cutting this short.  

Basically Just Complaining

I'm really frustrated right now. I'm trying not to be, but I am. I'm not frustrated with people, just with circumstances.

It's cooler than it has been in a while, but not cool enough for my body to really truly enjoy it. I'm still sweaty and damp. It's also going to get warmer today, but probably not warm enough to justify turning on the AC. So.....just warm enough for suffering.

I'm also frustrated because I've been actively working on my mental health and yet the fight is as exhausting and rough today as it's ever been. Despite consistently taking my meds, despite evaluations of my thinking patterns, despite what I know is progress......well, I'm still in a low, low place right now. It aches. I hate that my mental chemistry does this and that despite my best efforts I can't stop it. I can battle it, but the battle is tiring. It's like I'm just holding the fort with dwindling resources and hoping the attacking brain weasels get distracted.

I know I'll get past this, but right now it's just A LOT. 

Brain Weasels

My brain is trying to get me to lapse into anxiety and depression again. It's frustrating because I am doing A LOT of stuff to keep this from happening. I am actively working to make this not happen. 

Part of it is this constant heat. It's keeping me damp and uncomfortable. I'm having trouble sleeping at night. Part of it is the generally bad random number generation that has been causing things to fall and tumble all around me. Part of it is this series of restrictive laws everyone seems to want to pass. Oh and also, the toilet is trying to make weird noises on us.

I just have to keep telling myself what I CAN control about all of this and what I have to just let slide. I'm doing what I can. Beyond that, it's out of my hands. I can use up my spoons for things I can't control

Compassion

In my anger last night, I neglected to talk about what I see as truly the most heinous part of the Texas abortion law. It criminalizes compassion. 

Because it is now illegal to help a woman in any way when she has an abortion, she can't have someone go with her. She can't have someone drive her to the clinic. She can't have someone sit with her while she waits or talk to her before it happens. She can't have anyone drive her home.

After a medical procedure, she can't have anyone drive her home.

The people who pushed all this claim to be Christian. The Bible says nothing directly about abortion. People will argue with me at this point that they view it as murder and the Bible says a lot about murder. 

Well. Okay. Fine. 

However....

Baptists (at least they used to) believe that no sin was greater than any other sin. When I was a kid, I was taught that our greatest witness to others was showing compassion to everyone, all sinners, our enemies, those who had wronged us. Everyone. 

I think criminalizing compassion does a lot more harm than good.

Wow

Congrats, Texas!

I hope you enjoy your new era of witch hunts and increased poverty. 

The new law in Texas allows anyone ANYONE to sue people if they think that person gave assistance to (or even considered giving assistance to) people seeking an abortion after six weeks. The person accused basically has to prove their innocence. If they win, they get nothing. If they're convicted, the person accusing them gets ten thousand dollars.

Every busybody, every opportunist, every emotional terrorist in Texas now has a weapon to wield against anyone, all in the name of 'save the fetus' and being an asshole.

Meanwhile, abortions will continue. People who need them and have some money will just leave the state. People who don't have money will have to go to black market providers and deal with unsafe conditions. People who need their pregnancies terminated to save their lives will probably just die. Unwanted children will be born to live the shitty life one leads when one is unwanted. 

Most impressive, Texas. Most impressive. 

Speaking Too Soon

My cool morning yesterday was just a tease. It was hotter than hell today and no one was happy. It was the kind of hot where even when the AC was on it was still hot. I doubt I'll sleep well tonight.

I really need for summer to be over, guys.