Still

Still dreary. Still cold. Maybe that will change this week. Despite the coldness, the lawn was mowed. I'm glad about that because it had been a while, but now my eyes are dripping with protest. 

The neighbor was yelling again today. I don't think there is anything I dislike more than people who can't gracefully handle their emotions. I mean, I get that sometimes everyone loses it. I have, certainly. But with this idiot, it's almost all the time. No one cares if you're angry, you sullen dick. 

Anyway, hopefully the week will be good.

Scale

For the first time in my adult life, I am the willing owner of a scale to weigh my body. I have this because I actually am losing weight atm and want to keep track of my progress. 

The scale isn't as heavy as I assumed it would be and it's pretty easy to use. I didn't weight as much as I assumed I would. I had a number I thought it would be and a number I'd emotionally prepared myself for it to be and it was less than both of them.

Mind you, it was still a lot. A WHOLE LOT, but less than expected, which is nice. I guess. I don't trust it.

I mean, even though I have been losing weight for several months now, I still don't trust it. But I did it three times and it was all basically within the same five lbs. 

Dark and Rainy

It was so cold today we have to turn on the heat. I know in a month or so I'll be complaining about how hot it is, but at least it will probably also be sunny. I was sick of cold and dreary two months ago. I'm really sick of it now.

I had therapy today and it went well. I don't like doing therapy online because the process is too apt to screw up, but today it thankfully didn't. Hopefully, my next session can be at the park. I miss the park.

I suppose I could just go and sit at the park anyway. I could take some time and just go down there and look at the ducks and the wicked, wicked geese. That would still require it being a decently sunny day though.

Reminded

I got really good feedback on my story but I was asked when I was going to continue my AU. I need to get back to it, I just don't quite have the inspiration to do so. I guess I'm going to have to just dig in and see what I can pull out of my brain. 

It's cold and wet and rainy. I wanted to meet in person for therapy this week but that's impossible because it's cold and wet and rainy. I really hate Zoom though. Oh well.

Inspired

After weeks of a dry spell, I finally wrote something this morning. I wrote it and had it published within a few hours. It would have been sooner if I'd not had to run errands. 

It's gotten good response as well, which is always nice. And it's wonderful that I managed to do it given that I've been sitting on two stories that just won't manage to work. They're both fighting me so hard.

Cold Weekend

I spent the majority of the weekend under a blanket. It never reached anything approaching warm. In fact, we had some rain. This, of course, made it colder.

Still, it was bright today. I tried to do some housecleaning and it just ended up a mess. A small section of a floor looks better though.

Bad Idea

I haven't talked about this yet but Netflix is getting rid of their DVD service. It's literally the thing that started the company and they're tossing it (and the 3 million households that subscribe to the service) away. 

This is just stupid.

In a landscape full of generic streaming services, the thing that set Netflix apart was the fact that it had the DVD service. Now they'll just be like everyone else. A company with some questionable and not really all that great content. 

This was probably a deathnail for them.

Tink

Today was one of those days when I really missed Tink. I thought about her all day, about how brave it was that she decided to bond with me, about how remarkable that really was.

I miss how she would just come and jump on me, how she felt so comfortable just being by my side. I miss her purring. I miss her presence. I miss the judgy looks she would give everyone, including me. 

This is really hard. 

The Change

Last week when my doctor's appointment was scheduled, I announced to my roommate that I would be walking the appointment. No wheelchair. No walker. Just me walking. I have never walked to an appointment with this medical provider... that I recall, anyway.

I almost immediately regretted this announcement. I was crippled with fear. I didn't think I could do it. I tried to change the plan several times. Yesterday, my roommate asked me what my plan was. Could have requested help.

I decided not to though. I decided to trust in the progress I've made over the last few months and see if I could make this happen.

And it did. I walked into the building. I sat for a few minutes to wait for my appointment, but honestly not very long. I had some trouble getting up when the appointment was over because my foot fell asleep, but once I had that handled, I walked to my car. I was in one of the closer rooms TO the door, but not the closest. And it doesn't matter. I walked to my car.

And when I sat down in my car, I cried. I'm finally FINALLY starting to undo some of the damage that I've been doing to myself all of these years. Finally.

After Outing

My nephew's birthday party went pretty well. I wasn't as far along in terms of mobility progress as I would have wished, but I didn't have a panic attack, so that's a plus.

I'm in pain today though. My back really hurts. My SIL's car is a bit tight for me and staying in it for that long really caused me some pain.

We have a sudden storm today. It didn't last very long but we had marble sized hail. 

Outing

I have to go to my nephew's birthday party tomorrow night. I'm scared. This is only the SECOND time I've been to a restaurant since Covid started and the first time I've been to one in the last two years. I'm not used to crowds of people or talking to people or being around people.

My mobility is still bad enough that I'll need my wheel chair, which is....it is what it is. Sigh. 

Anyway, I want to do this, but it's making me anxious.  

Better Tech

Last time I tried to do my therapy session, the internet was messing up and everything was slow and frustrating. We spent a lot of time frozen or asking the other person if they could hear us.

This week, we managed to actually have a decent signal and the session went well. I had a lot to talk about. Things were far more productive. I'm glad about that because I do NEED therapy. I feel better after a session. Assuming I actually get to speak and not just be frozen the whole time.

Anyway, having a decent session made things far better for me overall.

Letting Go and Moving the Work

I find that I'm writing a lot of stuff that doesn't end up where I thought it would. I think I'm writing one plot line but then things go sideways and I find it isn't the direction I need or the scene I need. I keep the unusable bits because, eventually, I find places to use them, or ways to expand them out and make something else.

This is progress for me. I've had a lot of trouble in the past getting out of my own way where my writing was concerned. When it stalled, I stalled. When I couldn't write my way out of a scene, I would just get frustrated and stop. But recently I've been better about just chopping out the sections that don't work and doing something else with them later.

I'm basically applying the same logic to writing that I apply to knitting. You know, how yarn that should have been in some beautiful elaborate project ends up being part of another ten-stitch blanket.

Easter 2023

Today was fine other than me getting sick around dinner time. It made for a fraught Easter dinner. The food was good though.  Speaking of dinners, I have one to attend at the end of the week. Hopefully, that will go well. 

I guess we'll see.

The Law

There is a very conservative and extremist federal judge who keeps trying to change things in this country. He should be taken out of power. Judges should apply the law without their own personal feelings, convictions, or lobbying influences getting in the way. This man is showing no professionalism at all.

The key to picking judges should be that they look at the law from a neutral perspective. None of them seem to be doing that. It's disturbing and wrong. Some asshole's personal feelings on a matter shouldn't dictate what happens to the rest of the country. He's not the king. He's certainly not our leader. He sure as fuck isn't god.

Another Rough Day

I think it's emotionally helpful for me to have the Vomit Journal. It's giving me a chance to really unleash the storms going on in my mind. I'm glad I'm doing that because I'd be such a ball of hurt otherwise. 

Whatever gets me through, I suppose.

Rough Day

My emotions were all over the place today. Things are scary out there and it's getting to me. I want to hide in the house and just lock the doors and never come out, never speak to people again, never deal with the outside world again. 

There is just so much hate out there right now. So much hate and lies and oppression. I just am not sure how much more I can deal with. Why do these people want to cause so much pain to the rest of us? 

Pronatalism BS

The reason more women don't have babies has to do with systemic issues such as cost of living, instability, and gender roles that force women to do the bulk of the emotional and domestic labor. Not wanting to have children for those reasons is not a selfish act. It's smart. It's rational. It's reasonable.

IF governments want women to have more children, they need to address the economic issues facing their country. They need to have a program that promotes affordable housing. They need to find ways to lower the cost of food and energy. They need to find ways to take out the emotional and domestic labor issues women are facing.

Though for me personally, while all of these issues are reasons I would have never had a child, the main reason is that I know I would be a terrible mother. I would be a disinterested mother. I would not love the child(ren). That isn't in me. And we're going to have to accept that isn't in some people, sadly, including a lot of people who already have children. 

Children deserve more of everything than what I would be capable of giving them. And the ways in which I could not give to them weren't things I could really change. I don't commit to things. I get easily bored. I loathe the sound of other people's voices and 99% of the time have no interest in what they are saying/wish they would shut up. 

That isn't someone who should be a mother. That is the last person who should be a mother. In fact, THE MOST responsible thing I could do in terms of being a parent is to not become one. 

So stop saying people are selfish for not breeding. Some of them are just being as responsible as they possibly can and if circumstances change, maybe they'll change their minds. Some of the rest of us are assholes, but assholes responsible enough to know when to keep from inflicting our assholery on others.

New Additions

The new supplements have been purchased and their implementation began today. I'll keep track of how it goes with them. I also added a few steps to the very small walk I'm doing. Super small. 

My eating was good today. It's starting to warm up some and when the warmer weather hits, my roommate and I have trouble with food just in general. Even though we had a handle on it last year, the Mounjaro is changing that. I think we'll have to just do some experimenting to see how things work for me. 

It gets complicated. I want raw veggies during the summer but veggies go bad so quickly. I may have to just settle for a day or two of cucumbers or whatever and then find other things to eat the rest of the time. 

But that is for months in the future. For right now, the major issue is just weird storms. No storms today though. It was just nice and sunny.

Rainy Weekend

It rained so much this weekend. It was wet and soggy and cold. Then again, we didn't get massive storms so I should be grateful. I'll like it better when we have some bright days. I miss my blissful, mellow Spring.

I read a lot this weekend. I found some new fic authors and their stuff was really good. I also finished a story and published it. I need to think of where I'll be taking my writing past this. I'm kind of at a standstill with things and need to get motivated. 

1st April

I usually don't get to do April Fools Pranks, but today I pranked my nephew and it was glorious! I'm still chuckling about it. 

It was cold today and the weather is weird in a lot of places, but I'm going to remember I had a good day and I'm grateful for it.