It looks like we have one more nasty bit of winter hitting us before the season ends. I'm less emotional about this than I would have been a month ago. Do your last dance, winter. Your season is almost over. Time to move on. February is over and it was less horrible than January. I managed to live mostly free of bleeding and had a wonderful time with my friends. My strength is returning and I'm starting to feel a little bit more normal. I'm not going to let my guard down. The chain is still there and I know it's still there. Still, it was nice to be able to spend a few hours reading GRRM theories instead of spending those same hours wondering if I was going to bleed to death.
This month, I can hopefully make an appointment with a gyno and settle my options for how to deal with my uterus. If NovaSure is a possibility, it is the route I want to take. If not, hello hysterectomy! That won't be fun, but it will be over. Being over is better than what went on in January. I'll be recovering for a while, but I'll manage. Still, my hope is for the NovaSure. It's a far easier process.
March is often a stressful month for us. It is the anniversary month of when my grandmother died. It is the month that fleas begin to try and cause problems. It is the month when grass starts to overtake the yard. It's also the month we have to do paperwork for the government. We know how to tackle these things. We have plans for them. They can still cause a lot of agitation, especially since we're both operating under the stress of health issues and complications.
Still, leaving the hell of this winter will be nice. I'm ready to be warm. I know I'll complain about the heat when it gets here, but I've missed being warm and I think everyone else has too. It's time to be warm again. We all need that.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
How The Others Live
I was reading about this guy who spent time interviewing successful romantic couples about what makes their relationships work. His research is interesting, but I was frustrated that he only applied it to romantic couples. I think that a lot of it applies to any long term relationship one has, including and especially ones where you happen to live with the other person. While long term relationships based on romantic love may be the default for many people in our society, they are far from the only long term relationships out there. Many family members and friends opt to set up home with each other. There may not be sex involved or any type of other physical contact, but the commitment levels and many of the issues stay the same.
I don't really see a lot of things being written about long term non-romantic relationships though. People talk about romantic stuff all the time, but never the other kinds of relationships one might encounter during their lives. Is it that we place such a high value on romantic/marriage situations that all other relationships of a long term nature get ignored? Do we feel those relationships have less value?
Actually, I know the answer to that. In the minds of most people, long term non-romantic relationships DO have less value than romantic ones. Many people view their non-romantic relationships as just the relationships that sustain them until they find someone who 'loves' them. People who never find that kind of romantic love are often viewed as failures. They sometimes even view themselves as failures and therefore place no real effort in making the relationships they have NOW and the living situation they have NOW the best it can be.
Perhaps that is changing though. Less and less people are marrying these days, and while some of those people may choose to live alone, I doubt all of them do. More and more people are planning their lives around the idea that they will never marry . . . not just because they don't feel they will find that Special Person, but also because many of them don't see that as any kind of priority in their lives. It is too much work and effort.
Of course, if you read the blog, you know that I am one of these people. For many reasons, marriage was not a path for me. Instead, I live what on the surface does not appear to be an alternative lifestyle, but is when you dig a little deeper. I live with a man I have no romantic or sexual interest in/contact with. We are friends only, though friends committed to building a life together, with shared goals and interests. I don't see my sense of HOME as being something I will have in the future with a romantic partner. I don't see FAMILY as something I will have in the future with a romantic partner. I view home as what I have right now and family as what I have right now, things built around friends and cats.
With that in mind, and for all the people out there who are also in non-romantic long term relationships, I think maybe it's time we started speaking out about what motivates us and what makes our lives work. After all, there are many of us and will continue to be many of us in the future. We should share our ideas.
I don't really see a lot of things being written about long term non-romantic relationships though. People talk about romantic stuff all the time, but never the other kinds of relationships one might encounter during their lives. Is it that we place such a high value on romantic/marriage situations that all other relationships of a long term nature get ignored? Do we feel those relationships have less value?
Actually, I know the answer to that. In the minds of most people, long term non-romantic relationships DO have less value than romantic ones. Many people view their non-romantic relationships as just the relationships that sustain them until they find someone who 'loves' them. People who never find that kind of romantic love are often viewed as failures. They sometimes even view themselves as failures and therefore place no real effort in making the relationships they have NOW and the living situation they have NOW the best it can be.
Perhaps that is changing though. Less and less people are marrying these days, and while some of those people may choose to live alone, I doubt all of them do. More and more people are planning their lives around the idea that they will never marry . . . not just because they don't feel they will find that Special Person, but also because many of them don't see that as any kind of priority in their lives. It is too much work and effort.
Of course, if you read the blog, you know that I am one of these people. For many reasons, marriage was not a path for me. Instead, I live what on the surface does not appear to be an alternative lifestyle, but is when you dig a little deeper. I live with a man I have no romantic or sexual interest in/contact with. We are friends only, though friends committed to building a life together, with shared goals and interests. I don't see my sense of HOME as being something I will have in the future with a romantic partner. I don't see FAMILY as something I will have in the future with a romantic partner. I view home as what I have right now and family as what I have right now, things built around friends and cats.
With that in mind, and for all the people out there who are also in non-romantic long term relationships, I think maybe it's time we started speaking out about what motivates us and what makes our lives work. After all, there are many of us and will continue to be many of us in the future. We should share our ideas.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
After a Week, We Have an Answer
Today my roommate was given official word that, for the time being, the telemedicine bus was no longer running. This means he will have to travel to Tulsa in order to see the specialist who handles his medical issues. It wasn't the news he wanted to hear, but at least it is an answer and we can move forward from it. We've come up with the best plan we can in the meantime. It's going to be expensive and tiring, but that can't be helped. We'll make it through.
The whole situation has been handled in a very unprofessional manner. They didn't call him until the end of the day on the night before his appointment. They never called him again. He's had to call them back to find out anything. His case worker failed to inform him that she would be on vacation, which she could have done with a simple email. "Hey, I'm on vacation for the next week. If you need to talk to someone, here is blahblah's email." The program has posted nothing about this on their website or on their blog. It's as if they fail to see that all the quick and all reaching methods of getting this information out there would make things easier on everyone. Why have to deal with thousands of call from freaked out people when you could mass email everyone or put a notice on your blog? Why even have a blog if you're not going to use it for practical reasons?
This isn't going to be easy on us at all. We have a plan on how to handle this, but it is going to cut into an already stretched budget. When we used to make this trip five years ago, it would take us days to recover. We're older now and neither of us are in the best of health. Both of us are in situations where our bodies can do unpredictable and difficult things. That's the problem with appointments like this. You have to go, no matter what else is happening to you, because you may not get in to see them again for another several months.
Despite all of that, I know we're still in a better situation than a lot of other people who are losing the telemedicine bus. Many of the people who benefited from this program were elderly, often without anyone to drive them places. Others were beyond the point where driving to Tulsa or OKC was an option for them. They just don't have the strength left. Many people won't have the funds to go out of town. Others don't have any means to do so. The economy has wrecked a lot of people over the last several years. Many of them, especially those who were too ill to work, have had to give up owning their own car.
Maybe this is just a temporary setback. Maybe they can find a way to get the bus running again and things can get back to the way they were. Maybe we'll only have to make this trip once or twice before telemedicine is functioning again. I certainly hope so. This program did a lot of good and losing it will end all of that. It's going to put a lot of people in a bind. Trying to keep healthy shouldn't be this stressful.
The whole situation has been handled in a very unprofessional manner. They didn't call him until the end of the day on the night before his appointment. They never called him again. He's had to call them back to find out anything. His case worker failed to inform him that she would be on vacation, which she could have done with a simple email. "Hey, I'm on vacation for the next week. If you need to talk to someone, here is blahblah's email." The program has posted nothing about this on their website or on their blog. It's as if they fail to see that all the quick and all reaching methods of getting this information out there would make things easier on everyone. Why have to deal with thousands of call from freaked out people when you could mass email everyone or put a notice on your blog? Why even have a blog if you're not going to use it for practical reasons?
This isn't going to be easy on us at all. We have a plan on how to handle this, but it is going to cut into an already stretched budget. When we used to make this trip five years ago, it would take us days to recover. We're older now and neither of us are in the best of health. Both of us are in situations where our bodies can do unpredictable and difficult things. That's the problem with appointments like this. You have to go, no matter what else is happening to you, because you may not get in to see them again for another several months.
Despite all of that, I know we're still in a better situation than a lot of other people who are losing the telemedicine bus. Many of the people who benefited from this program were elderly, often without anyone to drive them places. Others were beyond the point where driving to Tulsa or OKC was an option for them. They just don't have the strength left. Many people won't have the funds to go out of town. Others don't have any means to do so. The economy has wrecked a lot of people over the last several years. Many of them, especially those who were too ill to work, have had to give up owning their own car.
Maybe this is just a temporary setback. Maybe they can find a way to get the bus running again and things can get back to the way they were. Maybe we'll only have to make this trip once or twice before telemedicine is functioning again. I certainly hope so. This program did a lot of good and losing it will end all of that. It's going to put a lot of people in a bind. Trying to keep healthy shouldn't be this stressful.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Better Days
My roommate placed my birthday balloons on the ceiling above my bed. He did this so that I could actually enjoy them for as long as they held their Helium and because it was one of the few places the cats couldn't get at them. I've found this to be such a wonderful thing. Balloons are simple, but delightful. I'm really enjoying having them floating above me. It's like waking up to well wishes. The flowers are in a tall vase and look lovely on the mantle. I am watching them as I type this and smiling at them.
I had therapy today and it went well. We'll be starting a workbook to combat depression. I wanted something more goal oriented, but it's difficult to find those that aren't spiritual in nature. I don't like the spiritual ones. I always feel like I'm being manipulated and it causes a disconnect. I begin to distrust the author's intentions and find myself unable to continue the work. Is it so hard to write a book about life goals without tying it to some kind of religious agenda? It really shouldn't be.
The bleeding was better today. Some spotting but nothing like it had been the last two days....which, even that was admittedly easy to handle compared to what it was this time last month. I'm just scared. Yes, I know I've mentioned that a lot. I'm still scared. I don't think I'll stop until this phase of my life is over with, one way or the other.
I read an obit for one of my mom's friends. I hadn't thought about this woman in a long time, because over the years she and my mother had grown distant, but it was sad to know she'd passed. She was a strange bird, but always someone I liked. She had a cool life, as she lived right on the lake and basically just did whatever she wanted to. To most people's eyes, she wouldn't have seemed wealthy, but that was never something she wanted anyway. I'll miss her.
I had therapy today and it went well. We'll be starting a workbook to combat depression. I wanted something more goal oriented, but it's difficult to find those that aren't spiritual in nature. I don't like the spiritual ones. I always feel like I'm being manipulated and it causes a disconnect. I begin to distrust the author's intentions and find myself unable to continue the work. Is it so hard to write a book about life goals without tying it to some kind of religious agenda? It really shouldn't be.
The bleeding was better today. Some spotting but nothing like it had been the last two days....which, even that was admittedly easy to handle compared to what it was this time last month. I'm just scared. Yes, I know I've mentioned that a lot. I'm still scared. I don't think I'll stop until this phase of my life is over with, one way or the other.
I read an obit for one of my mom's friends. I hadn't thought about this woman in a long time, because over the years she and my mother had grown distant, but it was sad to know she'd passed. She was a strange bird, but always someone I liked. She had a cool life, as she lived right on the lake and basically just did whatever she wanted to. To most people's eyes, she wouldn't have seemed wealthy, but that was never something she wanted anyway. I'll miss her.
Monday, February 24, 2014
New Week of the Chain
Morning
Like most Sundays, I had bleeding issues last night. That is getting really old, trust me. And as I said before, it always scares me because I assume the bad bleeding will start all over again. As long as I keep having bouts like that, I will never feel safe in my own skin. I know how bad things can be.
Like most Sundays, I had bleeding issues last night. That is getting really old, trust me. And as I said before, it always scares me because I assume the bad bleeding will start all over again. As long as I keep having bouts like that, I will never feel safe in my own skin. I know how bad things can be.
It sucks. I am an introvert anyway. I'm almost housebound anyway. Did we really have to push it to this extreme? My impulse right now is to stay inside the house as much as possible. Being a shut-in is less stressful. I hate feeling this way.
It won't be possible today. I have the belated birthday thing to attend. I hope my body cooperates with me on this. Just stay calm and non-bleeds while I shower and go eat cake with my friends. That doesn't seem like too much to ask.
Evening
The party went well. I met friends at the coffee place and we had very good conversation, cake, and lots and lots of glitter. I had a lot of fun. I feel grateful and humbled by the party and their generosity. I felt very embraced by my friends. I needed that.
The problem is, I'm bleeding again. This is the second night in a row it's come back. Since I had the Depo shot, that hasn't happened. It's still not as heavy as it was, but the fact that it returned is disturbing. I'm trying to rationalize it. I was out a lot today. I sat in uncomfortable chairs. Even still, just the fact that I was out of my house and sat in chairs shouldn't cause me to bleed. This is depressing and I'm a little scared right now. This post is going to be cut short for those reasons.
Evening
The party went well. I met friends at the coffee place and we had very good conversation, cake, and lots and lots of glitter. I had a lot of fun. I feel grateful and humbled by the party and their generosity. I felt very embraced by my friends. I needed that.
The problem is, I'm bleeding again. This is the second night in a row it's come back. Since I had the Depo shot, that hasn't happened. It's still not as heavy as it was, but the fact that it returned is disturbing. I'm trying to rationalize it. I was out a lot today. I sat in uncomfortable chairs. Even still, just the fact that I was out of my house and sat in chairs shouldn't cause me to bleed. This is depressing and I'm a little scared right now. This post is going to be cut short for those reasons.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
They Hold Hands, Right?
So some states are trying to pass these laws to where the religious folk can deny service to gay couples. They seem to believe this is some kind of freedom of religion issue to them. I'm not sure when being an asshole became a matter of freedom of religion, but it seems it has. There are so many flaws with this kind of law, on so many levels. I think of of the main ones has to do with the assumptions and definition of what it means to be a 'gay couple.'
Unless two people are engaging in some kind of very obvious coupling activity, such as actively getting married or having sex while talking about buying new curtains, how can you really tell if two people ARE a couple? Will we assume that any two femme men who who happened to be somewhere together are a couple? This is hardly fair, given that a lot of gay men have gay men who are their friends. By 'friend' here, I mean someone you wouldn't have sex with. What if it is two Patrick Batemen type businessmen in suits who just happen to have lunch together? They aren't in a relationship with each other. They're both in relationships with themselves.
People always assume they know 'them gays' when they see them. They think the gay people would be anyone who doesn't look typically gendered towards straight. The thing is, there are lots of people who are gay who look just like all the straight people out there. They look as traditionally masculine or as traditionally feminine and no one is the wiser. If that is the case, it is possible that any two people of the same gender could be 'a couple.'
Which means . . . what for these laws? Will we no longer allow two moms to go buy a cake for a kid's birthday party? Will people frown when two male best friends show up to watch a basketball game together? Will we not let two college best friends rent a hotel room for the night? Where will this kind of paranoia end?
How about this . . . if you have a business, how about you mind YOUR business about people's personal lives and treat them with dignity? It is less complicated than having to decide who the gay people might be. It also means you'll make more money.
Unless two people are engaging in some kind of very obvious coupling activity, such as actively getting married or having sex while talking about buying new curtains, how can you really tell if two people ARE a couple? Will we assume that any two femme men who who happened to be somewhere together are a couple? This is hardly fair, given that a lot of gay men have gay men who are their friends. By 'friend' here, I mean someone you wouldn't have sex with. What if it is two Patrick Batemen type businessmen in suits who just happen to have lunch together? They aren't in a relationship with each other. They're both in relationships with themselves.
People always assume they know 'them gays' when they see them. They think the gay people would be anyone who doesn't look typically gendered towards straight. The thing is, there are lots of people who are gay who look just like all the straight people out there. They look as traditionally masculine or as traditionally feminine and no one is the wiser. If that is the case, it is possible that any two people of the same gender could be 'a couple.'
Which means . . . what for these laws? Will we no longer allow two moms to go buy a cake for a kid's birthday party? Will people frown when two male best friends show up to watch a basketball game together? Will we not let two college best friends rent a hotel room for the night? Where will this kind of paranoia end?
How about this . . . if you have a business, how about you mind YOUR business about people's personal lives and treat them with dignity? It is less complicated than having to decide who the gay people might be. It also means you'll make more money.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Last Weekend in the Month
I completely forgot to blog last night. It just totally slipped my mind. It seems that kind of thing has been happening a lot lately. I guess I just have too much going on emotionally or too much of a need to escape from reality. Or both. Probably both. Anyway, it's the last Saturday in the month and I basically did nothing all day. I was tired and had some inner ear thing going on. Stupid sinus crap.
Even still, I'm better off than I was a month ago today. At this point, I'd still not seen my doctor and had very little in the way of a plan of action on how to deal with the bleeding. I was also still bleeding a lot. Now the bleeding has slowed and I have some plans on how to take care of that on a more serious basis. A Plan A and a Plan B, if you will. Hopefully I can get the NovaSure done before some religious group decides the process is evil or something. I'm almost shocked that hasn't happened yet. They seem to be deciding everything else is evil these days . . . well, other than things that really are evil.
My uncle called today and we made plans to see each other on Mother's Day. He'll be down for his high school's omni-reunion. As this won't be happening until May, I'm hoping that perhaps my medical issues will be settled by then. At least some of them. It would be nice to see him without having to worry about how my body is going to react to things. The Chain can be quite trying on social events. I have a belated b-day party on Monday and I'm hoping nothing goes wrong for that. Then again, it's here in town and I can just come home if something happens. I would have for something to happen though. That would really suck, considering people went out of their way to do this for me.
Anyway, if you read this and you want to come by, Coffee Cup on Monday at 3:30. I'll be the chick in black with the black fingernails. All are welcome.
Even still, I'm better off than I was a month ago today. At this point, I'd still not seen my doctor and had very little in the way of a plan of action on how to deal with the bleeding. I was also still bleeding a lot. Now the bleeding has slowed and I have some plans on how to take care of that on a more serious basis. A Plan A and a Plan B, if you will. Hopefully I can get the NovaSure done before some religious group decides the process is evil or something. I'm almost shocked that hasn't happened yet. They seem to be deciding everything else is evil these days . . . well, other than things that really are evil.
My uncle called today and we made plans to see each other on Mother's Day. He'll be down for his high school's omni-reunion. As this won't be happening until May, I'm hoping that perhaps my medical issues will be settled by then. At least some of them. It would be nice to see him without having to worry about how my body is going to react to things. The Chain can be quite trying on social events. I have a belated b-day party on Monday and I'm hoping nothing goes wrong for that. Then again, it's here in town and I can just come home if something happens. I would have for something to happen though. That would really suck, considering people went out of their way to do this for me.
Anyway, if you read this and you want to come by, Coffee Cup on Monday at 3:30. I'll be the chick in black with the black fingernails. All are welcome.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Of Cats and Cars
Today I got to meet my best friend's new dog. His name is Sam and he's very cute. He liked me from moment one and I, of course, loved him to pieces. I may keep cats these days, but my first pets were dogs. I love dogs, though they are not really practical for me to try and keep as pets. Dogs take a lot more work than cats do and are no where near as independent. I kind of need an animal in my life who mostly likes to keep to herself . . . the cat on my knee notwithstanding.
I do love that dogs will ride in the car with you. They're even happy to do so. Most of the cats I have owned over the years have loathed being in the car. Some just sulked and whined for a while, though eventually they got over it. Others screamed bloody murder the whole time. When you have a cat like that, there is absolutely not one thing you can do to please them about the car ride, other than take them out of the car.
My cat Rhiannon is one of those who views being in a vehicle as a nightmare. She has created a whole series of noises that she reserves for just that occasion. They sound like a cross between someone being murdered, someone being tortured, a bassoon, and the lowest pit of Hell. Once she is in the car (it does not have to be moving), she will begin to make this noise, over and over again, until she is taken from the car and put into the house.
Which leads me to one of my and my roommate's favorite jokes about our last move. We'd taken almost everything from the trailer, except for the cats. We wanted them to come into the house with practically everything inside. That way they'd be less freaked out . . . as if there is a way to make cats LESS freaked out about a move. Cats hate moving almost as much as they hate cars.
We had Rabbitkiller and my grandmother's truck packed full of stuff. My roommate said he was taking the cats out (Rowan and Salem were in one carrier, Rhiannon was in another). I thought he'd put them all in the truck with him . . . until I got outside and heard MMMMRRRROOWWWWOOOHHHHH from the car. No, he took Rowan and Salem, but left Rhirhi for ME to deal with. Sigh. It's less than a block to where we were moving but it felt like it took 51 days. She just would not stop making that noise.
Needless to say, spending the day with a happy, grateful to be in the car dog was a nice change. He just wagged his tail and looked excited to be there. No howling. No threats. No cursing in a language only cats can understand. It was awesome . . . until he would breath on me. Then it was less awesome.
I do love that dogs will ride in the car with you. They're even happy to do so. Most of the cats I have owned over the years have loathed being in the car. Some just sulked and whined for a while, though eventually they got over it. Others screamed bloody murder the whole time. When you have a cat like that, there is absolutely not one thing you can do to please them about the car ride, other than take them out of the car.
My cat Rhiannon is one of those who views being in a vehicle as a nightmare. She has created a whole series of noises that she reserves for just that occasion. They sound like a cross between someone being murdered, someone being tortured, a bassoon, and the lowest pit of Hell. Once she is in the car (it does not have to be moving), she will begin to make this noise, over and over again, until she is taken from the car and put into the house.
Which leads me to one of my and my roommate's favorite jokes about our last move. We'd taken almost everything from the trailer, except for the cats. We wanted them to come into the house with practically everything inside. That way they'd be less freaked out . . . as if there is a way to make cats LESS freaked out about a move. Cats hate moving almost as much as they hate cars.
We had Rabbitkiller and my grandmother's truck packed full of stuff. My roommate said he was taking the cats out (Rowan and Salem were in one carrier, Rhiannon was in another). I thought he'd put them all in the truck with him . . . until I got outside and heard MMMMRRRROOWWWWOOOHHHHH from the car. No, he took Rowan and Salem, but left Rhirhi for ME to deal with. Sigh. It's less than a block to where we were moving but it felt like it took 51 days. She just would not stop making that noise.
Needless to say, spending the day with a happy, grateful to be in the car dog was a nice change. He just wagged his tail and looked excited to be there. No howling. No threats. No cursing in a language only cats can understand. It was awesome . . . until he would breath on me. Then it was less awesome.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
The Loss of the Little Securities
Last night I didn't write because some things are happening with my roommate that are stressful and scary. An important program that helped him a lot is in jeopardy and we're not sure what is going to happen yet. It's funny because a month ago yesterday I wrote about how I could handle it when things screw up and it is something I did, but feel really powerless and awful when things are going wrong and it is beyond my control. He's in the same situation right now. I feel for him and I hope it gets resolved.
It's been about a month since my trip to the ER. Things have slowed and are better. You'll notice I'm not just exclusively writing about the blood gushing from my body. That doesn't mean I feel free and clear about the issue. I still spend my life with tampons and pads happening all the time. They're not flooding every five minutes, but I'm not free of them either. I don't think that I will be free of them until something medical happens. It sucks because that means until the medical stuff can proceed, I have to live with a lot of insecurity.
It's really exhausting to constantly be analyzing what your body is doing, questioning if things look bloated, worrying at any out of place feeling. In some ways my life has returned to normal, but because I have this paranoia about the whole thing, part of me may never feel normal again. My therapist said I would get used to it, but I'm scared to. I worry of I let my guard down, the bleeding will start all over again. And yes, I know that is irrational.
It all goes back to the Hierarchy of Needs though. Those Security needs are very basic. So many people spend so much of their lives with little safety that when what small bits they do have (like my roommate's program, like my ability to not bleed all the time) are gone, you almost don't know how to function. Without security, part of you doesn't want to function. You can't be your true self because that fear is weighing on you. You can't escape it, not until it is solved.
And if you've seen a lot of security slip through your fingers over the years, part of you wonders if you can ever get it back.
It's been about a month since my trip to the ER. Things have slowed and are better. You'll notice I'm not just exclusively writing about the blood gushing from my body. That doesn't mean I feel free and clear about the issue. I still spend my life with tampons and pads happening all the time. They're not flooding every five minutes, but I'm not free of them either. I don't think that I will be free of them until something medical happens. It sucks because that means until the medical stuff can proceed, I have to live with a lot of insecurity.
It's really exhausting to constantly be analyzing what your body is doing, questioning if things look bloated, worrying at any out of place feeling. In some ways my life has returned to normal, but because I have this paranoia about the whole thing, part of me may never feel normal again. My therapist said I would get used to it, but I'm scared to. I worry of I let my guard down, the bleeding will start all over again. And yes, I know that is irrational.
It all goes back to the Hierarchy of Needs though. Those Security needs are very basic. So many people spend so much of their lives with little safety that when what small bits they do have (like my roommate's program, like my ability to not bleed all the time) are gone, you almost don't know how to function. Without security, part of you doesn't want to function. You can't be your true self because that fear is weighing on you. You can't escape it, not until it is solved.
And if you've seen a lot of security slip through your fingers over the years, part of you wonders if you can ever get it back.
Monday, February 17, 2014
The Structured Garden
I watched an interview with George RR Martin tonight where he talked about how there are two types of authors. The first type is much like an architect. They make detailed plans of their books, going over every detail about how things will play out, where characters will go, and how things will end. Everything is planned and outlined before they ever write a sentence. Then there are the writers who are more like gardeners. They dig a hole, they plant some seeds. They water and weed, but beyond that are content to let the garden (or, in this case, the writing) flourish as it will. GRRM, of course, is of the gardener type. He keeps a rather messy garden.
When I write fiction, I am far more of an architect. I like structure. I like planning. I like outlines. I want the story to have a direction, even if it is a complex direction. I want there to be a clear ending. This hasn't always been the case. I used to be far more of a gardener type, but I find that when I write that way, I meander and get off point. I know some people believe that the structure limits creativity, but I don't believe it does. There is a lot of creativity in planning and plotting. There is an art to an outline.
At the same time, there IS something to be said for the garden approach. Certain characters take on a life of their own and begin to expand out of the bounds of your outline. Other times, characters you wanted to interact with one another, have no chemistry between them and all interactions feel forced. When that happens, you can either rigidly keep to your original plan, or you can make some changes. I think we've all read and watched enough things where characters were slammed together to know that sticking to the rigid nature of the plot rarely works.
So perhaps the best way to do things is a structured garden. You till very straight rows and be sure to label all of your seeds. You keep to regular watering schedule and you make sure to weed as often as possible. Will things grow out of turn? Of course. That is nature. But you still have some level of control over what is happening, and a good idea of what you will eventually produce.
When I write fiction, I am far more of an architect. I like structure. I like planning. I like outlines. I want the story to have a direction, even if it is a complex direction. I want there to be a clear ending. This hasn't always been the case. I used to be far more of a gardener type, but I find that when I write that way, I meander and get off point. I know some people believe that the structure limits creativity, but I don't believe it does. There is a lot of creativity in planning and plotting. There is an art to an outline.
At the same time, there IS something to be said for the garden approach. Certain characters take on a life of their own and begin to expand out of the bounds of your outline. Other times, characters you wanted to interact with one another, have no chemistry between them and all interactions feel forced. When that happens, you can either rigidly keep to your original plan, or you can make some changes. I think we've all read and watched enough things where characters were slammed together to know that sticking to the rigid nature of the plot rarely works.
So perhaps the best way to do things is a structured garden. You till very straight rows and be sure to label all of your seeds. You keep to regular watering schedule and you make sure to weed as often as possible. Will things grow out of turn? Of course. That is nature. But you still have some level of control over what is happening, and a good idea of what you will eventually produce.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Seasonal Stress
About a year ago, I was in the process of settling the issue with the 1099C tax thing I'd been sent. It turned out okay and I did everything I could to make sure it didn't mess with me, but it was still a very stressful time in my life. Even now when I think about it, it still freaks me out a little. It seems like this early part of the year is always pretty rough on me. The tax thing won't happen again, but I am having to wait and see how much of an ER bill I'll end up with. They'll have to accept small payments though. Nothing I can do about that.
You know, as crappy as December can be and AS bad as my January and Februaries have been, maybe there is a reason why, in my case, seasonal stress disorder happens. The last several years have been the cause of a lot of really bad stuff for me. Car issues, health issues, money issues. This is also usually the time that we have to deal with government renewal stuff and that is always stressful. By the time we get to the Spring issues of fleas, storms, and grass mowing, I'm pretty spent by winter.
I would really like for things to settle down. I'd like to be healthy for a while and for my roommate to get back to being healthy. I'd like to not deal with sick cats or screwed up cars or screwed up house issues. I'd like to just be calm and let things flow a long so I could work on projects and maybe get some writing done. I've been trying to work on some fiction for a while now and just end up staring at the screen. It really sucks.
Over all though, it wasn't a bad weekend. We had to deal with the sink thing, but we also got to have one of our favorite holiday rituals. We got discounted candy from the store and watched a Charlie Brown holiday special. Those are two of my favorite things to do on any holiday and my roommate makes it very special because he loves classic Charlie Brown stuff as much as I do. I hope this week isn't too stressful. I think we need some downtime, some recovery time. Here is a wish that we get that.
You know, as crappy as December can be and AS bad as my January and Februaries have been, maybe there is a reason why, in my case, seasonal stress disorder happens. The last several years have been the cause of a lot of really bad stuff for me. Car issues, health issues, money issues. This is also usually the time that we have to deal with government renewal stuff and that is always stressful. By the time we get to the Spring issues of fleas, storms, and grass mowing, I'm pretty spent by winter.
I would really like for things to settle down. I'd like to be healthy for a while and for my roommate to get back to being healthy. I'd like to not deal with sick cats or screwed up cars or screwed up house issues. I'd like to just be calm and let things flow a long so I could work on projects and maybe get some writing done. I've been trying to work on some fiction for a while now and just end up staring at the screen. It really sucks.
Over all though, it wasn't a bad weekend. We had to deal with the sink thing, but we also got to have one of our favorite holiday rituals. We got discounted candy from the store and watched a Charlie Brown holiday special. Those are two of my favorite things to do on any holiday and my roommate makes it very special because he loves classic Charlie Brown stuff as much as I do. I hope this week isn't too stressful. I think we need some downtime, some recovery time. Here is a wish that we get that.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Cat Punctuation
Last night, our faucet in the kitchen screwed up. My roommate, who is rather good at DIY things, felt that now the major fuckery with the sink had been fixed, we could probably do this part ourselves. Well, to clarify, he could do it. I really only opened a box and held a flashlight. He fixed it though, which is amazing because the house fights every improvement project, he was sick, and it's plumbing and I'm watercursed.
Anyway, between those three factors, we (he) managed to get the sink fixed eventually. Around 11, we finally ate breakfast. The faucet was working, but whenever something gets fixed, there is always still a period of panic, wondering if it's going to screw up again. We were tired and hurting and feeling like the world was against us.
And then one of the cats decided to puke.
See, this is one of the life lessons that cats offer us. Cats offer many lessons, of course, most of them painful and humbling. I guess this one is maybe a perspective lesson though. "No matter how bad you think things are, a cat can still come and make it worse by puking."
You may have just lost your job and have only two days before they kick you out of your house, but hey, that wasn't as bad as things are NOW. The cat just puked on your last paycheck.
The tornado may have just demolished everything you owned, but you still have your cat. He just crawled out of the rubble . . . and puked on your last clean and undamaged pair of pants.
The serial killer is after you and you need to run away from him! You grab your shoes . . . and realize as your feet sink into them that the cat has puked in your shoes. Again.
Ah, cats! Is there nothing they can't make worse?
Don't get me wrong. I love my cats. I do. But they truly have a deep level of indifference to everything going on around them. They don't care how tired you are, how sad, how sick, how broken. It doesn't matter to them at all. You're still there to clean up their messes. Little bastards.
Anyway, between those three factors, we (he) managed to get the sink fixed eventually. Around 11, we finally ate breakfast. The faucet was working, but whenever something gets fixed, there is always still a period of panic, wondering if it's going to screw up again. We were tired and hurting and feeling like the world was against us.
And then one of the cats decided to puke.
See, this is one of the life lessons that cats offer us. Cats offer many lessons, of course, most of them painful and humbling. I guess this one is maybe a perspective lesson though. "No matter how bad you think things are, a cat can still come and make it worse by puking."
You may have just lost your job and have only two days before they kick you out of your house, but hey, that wasn't as bad as things are NOW. The cat just puked on your last paycheck.
The tornado may have just demolished everything you owned, but you still have your cat. He just crawled out of the rubble . . . and puked on your last clean and undamaged pair of pants.
The serial killer is after you and you need to run away from him! You grab your shoes . . . and realize as your feet sink into them that the cat has puked in your shoes. Again.
Ah, cats! Is there nothing they can't make worse?
Don't get me wrong. I love my cats. I do. But they truly have a deep level of indifference to everything going on around them. They don't care how tired you are, how sad, how sick, how broken. It doesn't matter to them at all. You're still there to clean up their messes. Little bastards.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Killer Illusions
People write a lot about ways to improve your health. I certainly do as well, though I never thought that would be a big topic for me. When it comes to talking to doctors and other medical professionals, I believe that communication is key. Of course, this isn't a new idea on my part. Lots of people talk about this. They emphasize making lists and asking questions, that kind of thing. Both of these are great suggestions. However, I believe that discussing the true reality of your situation is even more important.
I think part of the problem is how education has conditioned a lot of us to react around authority figures. When we were in school and we got something wrong, we were penalized for it. Very few teachers took the time to identify why we got things wrong and how to correct it. In many cases, instead of truly learning whatever it was, we figured out some kind of way to fake it. This did not truly alter the fact that we had not mastered the skill, but it gave the illusion that we had. Humans are very good about accepting illusions as reality.
As bad as this is when it comes to the holes in our education, it is even worse when we apply it to other aspects of our lives. When we apply this to our health, it could prove deadly.
I am speaking from experience here. It has taken me 40 years to get to the point where I can tell my doctor or my therapist "this is how things are going wrong" and even now part of me hates it because I feel like I am being graded. I still want to believe that as long as I can give the illusion that things aren't falling apart then that illusion can be reality.
That isn't the case though. In the last month or so, I've learned just how much the 'ignore it and it will go away' answer will not work. I needed medical help to deal with my bleeding issues and I may need even more medical help before this is all over. The idea of this was making me very anxious. More medical assistance means meeting more doctors, more walking through buildings I don't know, more chances to fail fail fail. This morning, that anxiety reached a tipping point. I was not in a good place about it. I told my roommate I was feeling anxious, but I couldn't quite put why into words.
Once we were at Walmart, I sat in the parking lot and thought about it. I realized the anxiety was coming from this idea of failing, from the breaking of illusions, and of all the unknowns out there that I might have to face in order to get things happening to fix my womb. I started talking myself down from the panic, reminding myself of, well, basically what I'm writing about here. This isn't something where I'm getting a grade. I don't get rewarded for everything being okay and things certainly will NOT be okay if I can just make it look like they are.
After that, I pinpointed some places where I could take control of the situation. I took those steps (or rather, that one step) and things seem less sketchy now. Will it be easy to face new doctors, show them my business, and see about getting this stuff under control. NO. No it will not. It will be frightening and humiliating and awful. But once it is all of these things, it will also be over. It should even be better. It's something to hope for.
That isn't the case though. In the last month or so, I've learned just how much the 'ignore it and it will go away' answer will not work. I needed medical help to deal with my bleeding issues and I may need even more medical help before this is all over. The idea of this was making me very anxious. More medical assistance means meeting more doctors, more walking through buildings I don't know, more chances to fail fail fail. This morning, that anxiety reached a tipping point. I was not in a good place about it. I told my roommate I was feeling anxious, but I couldn't quite put why into words.
Once we were at Walmart, I sat in the parking lot and thought about it. I realized the anxiety was coming from this idea of failing, from the breaking of illusions, and of all the unknowns out there that I might have to face in order to get things happening to fix my womb. I started talking myself down from the panic, reminding myself of, well, basically what I'm writing about here. This isn't something where I'm getting a grade. I don't get rewarded for everything being okay and things certainly will NOT be okay if I can just make it look like they are.
After that, I pinpointed some places where I could take control of the situation. I took those steps (or rather, that one step) and things seem less sketchy now. Will it be easy to face new doctors, show them my business, and see about getting this stuff under control. NO. No it will not. It will be frightening and humiliating and awful. But once it is all of these things, it will also be over. It should even be better. It's something to hope for.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Fatiguism
I have no idea why I didn't do a blog post last night. I intended to. It just didn't happen. They say memory is the first thing to go, ya know. Though, clearly in my case, other things have gone before memory. It's just in the clusterfuck of things that are going. Despite some weird cramps and general fatigue, today wasn't that bad though. It just still wasn't great. It's just another day in the long stretch of days that just seem to be incapable of being great any more. That is wearing on me.
Fatigue, in the sense of something that lasts a long time, has a whole range of challenges. Clearly there are the physical ones. I managed to get my part of the trash out yesterday and even though I was winded afterwards, I still felt like it was a major accomplishment. Whenever I can manage to not screw up driving to the grocery store and getting the food inside the house without a problem, I now see it as a major accomplishment. The thing is, I don't WANT these to be major accomplishments. I want them to just be ordinary things that I do. I hope it gets back to being that way because we park the van farther away during the summer months and I have no idea how I'll manage at that point if the fatigue is still this rough.
Aside from the physical though, what you really don't grasp, before fatigue hits you, is the emotional and mental side of it. I've lived with depression exhaustion before, where you just avoid anything too difficult because you can't take it. This is worse. You want to care, but you can't. I could read tons of articles about stuff . . . and just not really care like I used to. Stupid people say stupid things, and as much as I want to get emotional about it, it's just not there. My capacity for such things is currently offline.
I'm also really easily drained around other people. The more intense someone is or the longer they talk, the more I feel myself shutting down. And whatever strength I had to listen to other people's problems or worries . . . yeah, that is just about gone. Emotionally, I'm far more drained than I even am physically. I try to be as social as I can, but find myself falling in to 'one word' patterns. Sorry, guys. That's about as good as I can do right now.
Dammit. You know, I don't want to just make this another post about how much things suck. If I'm going to get better, I need to emphasize the positive things. With that in mind, today had some wonderful moments. Most importantly, the cold that my roommate and I have been suffering with was less horrible today than it has been. We are both still sick, but not as much. It was warmer and it was very nice not to freeze all day. I have finally gotten my chair adjusted to where I am comfortable in it again. Rhiannon slept in the room with me while I napped. She didn't sleep on the bed with me, but even having her in the room was really nice. I've missed her being in the room and this was very good for me.
So see? Some positive things! Yay! And I finished a blog post! My mind isn't completely gone after all.
Fatigue, in the sense of something that lasts a long time, has a whole range of challenges. Clearly there are the physical ones. I managed to get my part of the trash out yesterday and even though I was winded afterwards, I still felt like it was a major accomplishment. Whenever I can manage to not screw up driving to the grocery store and getting the food inside the house without a problem, I now see it as a major accomplishment. The thing is, I don't WANT these to be major accomplishments. I want them to just be ordinary things that I do. I hope it gets back to being that way because we park the van farther away during the summer months and I have no idea how I'll manage at that point if the fatigue is still this rough.
Aside from the physical though, what you really don't grasp, before fatigue hits you, is the emotional and mental side of it. I've lived with depression exhaustion before, where you just avoid anything too difficult because you can't take it. This is worse. You want to care, but you can't. I could read tons of articles about stuff . . . and just not really care like I used to. Stupid people say stupid things, and as much as I want to get emotional about it, it's just not there. My capacity for such things is currently offline.
I'm also really easily drained around other people. The more intense someone is or the longer they talk, the more I feel myself shutting down. And whatever strength I had to listen to other people's problems or worries . . . yeah, that is just about gone. Emotionally, I'm far more drained than I even am physically. I try to be as social as I can, but find myself falling in to 'one word' patterns. Sorry, guys. That's about as good as I can do right now.
Dammit. You know, I don't want to just make this another post about how much things suck. If I'm going to get better, I need to emphasize the positive things. With that in mind, today had some wonderful moments. Most importantly, the cold that my roommate and I have been suffering with was less horrible today than it has been. We are both still sick, but not as much. It was warmer and it was very nice not to freeze all day. I have finally gotten my chair adjusted to where I am comfortable in it again. Rhiannon slept in the room with me while I napped. She didn't sleep on the bed with me, but even having her in the room was really nice. I've missed her being in the room and this was very good for me.
So see? Some positive things! Yay! And I finished a blog post! My mind isn't completely gone after all.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Sick Day in Sicksville
Well, my roommate and I are both sick. The day consisted of lots of sneezes, coughs, and very slow movement. I managed to go to therapy, though that felt like a much larger accomplishment than it should have. Or, you know, maybe not. It's only the second time I've been since I started the bloodnasties and the first time that I actually stayed through the whole session. I'm glad I did, though I was worried the whole time. I'm so paranoid about bleeding now. I'll be glad when it's a little warmer so I can talk to my doctor about Nova Sure. I really hope I can do it. It would make such a huge difference in the length of the chain.
Tomorrow is trash day and I'm going to get my portion of the trash out of the house. I feel like I'm strong enough to do this now. I'll probably be breathless and have to sit in the utility room for a while once I'm finished, but it will be worth it to accomplish this myself. I did it two weeks ago, but not last week. I was just too ill with the evil congestion thing at that point. Plus, there was still a lot of ice on the ground. The ice is mostly gone now, in fact, it's beginning to warm up. That would be nice. This has been such a horrible winter, I'm almost looking forward to the problematic nature of Spring (allergies, fleas, and mowing). All of that is difficult to handle, but at least it doesn't make us run the risk of sliding on our asses.
My roommate and I, now that perimenopause is part of our lives, are hearing and reading about a lot more cases of how difficult it can be for people. Seriously, if you start experiencing the stuff I've been talking about for several weeks now, go see your doctor about it. Get help for it and if they don't listen to you, go to another doctor. There are tons of things this phase of life can do to you and if some of them go untreated, like the massive periods, you could die.
I don't know that anyone has ever died directly from fatigue, but it certainly makes you wish you could. Or maybe, a better way to put it is that it makes you stop caring one way or the other. When you're fatigued, you reach points of exhaustion where if the murder people came in the house, you'd just sigh and beg them to shoot you because you don't have the energy for their games. If a mugger wanted your money, you'd just laugh and tell them to shoot you so that you didn't have to go through the effort of canceling all your credit cards. It sounds like I'm joking, but I'm not. I have really been that exhausted lately.
I wonder how the home invasion psychos would deal with that? "Yeah, sorry. I'm not going to snivel and beg for my life. I'm out of spoons for that kind of thing. Can you just shoot me please?" It would probably confuse them. They might even give up and leave. That basically means I would be rejected by a home invasion psycho. I'm not sure if that is better or worse.
Tomorrow is trash day and I'm going to get my portion of the trash out of the house. I feel like I'm strong enough to do this now. I'll probably be breathless and have to sit in the utility room for a while once I'm finished, but it will be worth it to accomplish this myself. I did it two weeks ago, but not last week. I was just too ill with the evil congestion thing at that point. Plus, there was still a lot of ice on the ground. The ice is mostly gone now, in fact, it's beginning to warm up. That would be nice. This has been such a horrible winter, I'm almost looking forward to the problematic nature of Spring (allergies, fleas, and mowing). All of that is difficult to handle, but at least it doesn't make us run the risk of sliding on our asses.
My roommate and I, now that perimenopause is part of our lives, are hearing and reading about a lot more cases of how difficult it can be for people. Seriously, if you start experiencing the stuff I've been talking about for several weeks now, go see your doctor about it. Get help for it and if they don't listen to you, go to another doctor. There are tons of things this phase of life can do to you and if some of them go untreated, like the massive periods, you could die.
I don't know that anyone has ever died directly from fatigue, but it certainly makes you wish you could. Or maybe, a better way to put it is that it makes you stop caring one way or the other. When you're fatigued, you reach points of exhaustion where if the murder people came in the house, you'd just sigh and beg them to shoot you because you don't have the energy for their games. If a mugger wanted your money, you'd just laugh and tell them to shoot you so that you didn't have to go through the effort of canceling all your credit cards. It sounds like I'm joking, but I'm not. I have really been that exhausted lately.
I wonder how the home invasion psychos would deal with that? "Yeah, sorry. I'm not going to snivel and beg for my life. I'm out of spoons for that kind of thing. Can you just shoot me please?" It would probably confuse them. They might even give up and leave. That basically means I would be rejected by a home invasion psycho. I'm not sure if that is better or worse.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Pink in Gray
I'm sitting in the Walmart parking lot. It's a bit nippy, but by no means objectionably cold. Almost everything is gray and dreary. This is certainly a hazy shade of winter. The only contrast from this is the occasional pop of pink, purple, or red seen in the shopping carts of people who are buying Valentine's Day gifts. I have to admit I am quite enjoying these splashes of color. I know I snark a lot about this holiday and love in general, but on days like this, I remember the value. Something beautiful in an otherwise gray world. For a lot of people, that is probably what keeps them going.
In a weird way, love and marriage have been on my mind. One of my friends posted an article about how unhappy a lot of married people are with their sex lives. I also watched the movie Hope Springs, which is about a couple's journey to find passion again. It's a very common problem. It is difficult for a lot of people to sustain passion and most sensible people don't marry someone they find sexy. They marry people who seen reliable. Most of us know that excitement will only get you so far in a marriage.
Beyond that, I think most people would be better off if they accepted that you can not have all of your various needs filled by just one person. That isn't fair to them and it will never be enough for you.
Beyond that, I think most people would be better off if they accepted that you can not have all of your various needs filled by just one person. That isn't fair to them and it will never be enough for you.
I think the best most of us can hope for is what I am seeing today . . . a life with a lot of grays, made better by the occasional inclusion of bright and warm beauty. It may not always seem like enough, but it probably is. After all, if the passion was always there, it would be common. It would cease to have meaning. Then the purples and reds of the world would mean no more than the grays.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Sunday Bloody Sunday
I had some bleeding today, just like I did last Sunday. The main difference being that it started earlier and seems to have lasted longer. It's no where near as heavy as it was during the hellblood, but it was enough to wear me down and keep me worried all day. I hope it goes away again. I tried my best to be in a good mood, but the bleeding kept my mind occupied. Just another reminder of the chain I'm on. On a better note, I think I'm almost over my cold. The coughing has slowed down and I slept better last night. Operation: Sleep In As Little As Possible seemed to have worked.
I didn't know that it was going to work at first. With only two blankets and only my underwear on, I was pretty cold in the beginning. I just kept telling myself that I now live in some mad scientist's chemistry lab and that things would warm up soon enough. They did. Within an hour or so, I was very warm. I didn't have a hot flash though, which helped me to get better sleep. Right now, I'll do just about anything to get better sleep.
My goals for the week are to finish a small project, manage to live through shopping, do my chores, and actually get to therapy. This isn't a huge list of stuff, but it feels a bit overwhelming at the moment. Maybe if I get some more sleep things will seem better. That's my hope, anyway.
I didn't know that it was going to work at first. With only two blankets and only my underwear on, I was pretty cold in the beginning. I just kept telling myself that I now live in some mad scientist's chemistry lab and that things would warm up soon enough. They did. Within an hour or so, I was very warm. I didn't have a hot flash though, which helped me to get better sleep. Right now, I'll do just about anything to get better sleep.
My goals for the week are to finish a small project, manage to live through shopping, do my chores, and actually get to therapy. This isn't a huge list of stuff, but it feels a bit overwhelming at the moment. Maybe if I get some more sleep things will seem better. That's my hope, anyway.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
The Hotness
When I first started having hot flashes, I did research on how to handle them. Whenever things go wrong, that is what I do to console myself. Let's see what we can find out about it. Let's try to see if we can knowledge ourselves out of the problem. Sometimes that works. I have a huge chasm of doubt about that working for any aspect of perimenopause. One of the first really nonhelpful things they suggest is 'don't get hot.' I remember reading this, thinking about summer, rolling my eyes, and clicking off the article. Don't get hot. Yeah, okay. Thanks. So helpful.
"Don't get hot" should really be revisited as "try to stay cold." If your body temp goes even slightly warm, it can toss you into a hot flash. For example, last night it was cold. I went to bed in two layers of clothing over my underwear, a hoodie, a hat, and covered myself with three blankets. As I was drifting off to sleep, I was deeply happy. I was a roasty-toasty snug little happy person. I was warmer than I had been all day and felt certain I would sleep through the night.
Around 5:30 AM, I woke up in a white hot pain. My body was aching all over and I was so insanely hot I wanted to crawl out of my skin. As quickly as I could, I stripped down to just my underwear and removed the heaviest of the blankets. Even then, I had to keep touching the cold wall to gain any kind of relief from how on fire my body was. After a while it stopped and I returned to an exhausted and ragged sleep.
As I've written before, hot flashes are one of those life experiences where you know what it is when it hits you. There is no mistake that you're experiencing it and your only thought is that it's so much worse than you imagined it to be. When you live in a state of blissful ignorance and a person talks about having a hot flash, you imagine what it's like to have a slight fever. NO! It is NOT like that. It is like your whole body is cooking on the inside. There is nausea. There is body ache. There is just kind of a bad mixture of every shitty thing you can imagine all at once.
So tonight when I go to bed, I'm not leaving on my hoodie. In fact, I'm going to just try and sleep in underthings and keep the blankets on me. Am I going to be colder than I would like to be? Yes. However, maybe I can 'not get hot' and keep myself from having another hot flash. I'd really like that because what I need more than anything else right now is a night of uninterrupted sleep.
"Don't get hot" should really be revisited as "try to stay cold." If your body temp goes even slightly warm, it can toss you into a hot flash. For example, last night it was cold. I went to bed in two layers of clothing over my underwear, a hoodie, a hat, and covered myself with three blankets. As I was drifting off to sleep, I was deeply happy. I was a roasty-toasty snug little happy person. I was warmer than I had been all day and felt certain I would sleep through the night.
Around 5:30 AM, I woke up in a white hot pain. My body was aching all over and I was so insanely hot I wanted to crawl out of my skin. As quickly as I could, I stripped down to just my underwear and removed the heaviest of the blankets. Even then, I had to keep touching the cold wall to gain any kind of relief from how on fire my body was. After a while it stopped and I returned to an exhausted and ragged sleep.
As I've written before, hot flashes are one of those life experiences where you know what it is when it hits you. There is no mistake that you're experiencing it and your only thought is that it's so much worse than you imagined it to be. When you live in a state of blissful ignorance and a person talks about having a hot flash, you imagine what it's like to have a slight fever. NO! It is NOT like that. It is like your whole body is cooking on the inside. There is nausea. There is body ache. There is just kind of a bad mixture of every shitty thing you can imagine all at once.
So tonight when I go to bed, I'm not leaving on my hoodie. In fact, I'm going to just try and sleep in underthings and keep the blankets on me. Am I going to be colder than I would like to be? Yes. However, maybe I can 'not get hot' and keep myself from having another hot flash. I'd really like that because what I need more than anything else right now is a night of uninterrupted sleep.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Craft Sharing
I belong to a lot of crafting groups and boards. I read a lot of crafting blogs and watch a lot of tutorials on Youtube. As I have mentioned before, I really value these things. There are so many crafters out there who are willing to generously give of their knowledge, time, and skills to help other people learn more about their hobbies. I would like to give a special shout out to the blogs of Mormon women. Ladies, we aren't on the same page religiously, but I love your blogs. You're awesome. Thank you.
Anyway, between all of the various boards, blogs, videos, and groups, one can find an abundance of projects and ideas for free. I could work on free projects for the rest of my life and never run out of them because there are really that many online. Even before I started working on this post, I read one over a crocheted clutch. It was there, totally for free. As long as you understood how to read the instructions, it was yours for the making.
If there is any price you have to pay for all of this free stuff, it is only in time. If you have a project in mind, it may take you a few hours (maybe even a few days) to find a free one to your liking. You may spend a lot of time searching through Google or YouTube or Ravelry to find what you need. There is a lot of stuff out there, and while narrowing your searches helps, it could still take you a while. However, if time is the only thing you are investing into this, it is still worth it.
That isn't to say there aren't patterns and projects you can buy. In fact, as many projects as there are out there for free, there are even more out there for purchase. The ones for sale usually have some characteristics to them over the free ones. They are cooler. They are more complex. They are very beautiful. Most of all, they often represent the kind of transcendent yarn craft work that most of us can only dream about.
I have absolutely no problem with people charging for their patterns. It often takes a of time, trial, and error to create a masterful pattern. Hell, the wonky hat I posted yesterday was a simple pattern, but it still took me quite a bit of time to figure it out. Some of the things that people can create with knitting needles or crochet hooks are breath-takingly beautiful. By all means, they deserve compensation for that.
It seems that not everyone sees it this way. Today on one of my crochet groups, the moderator had to call out some of the members for verbally abusing another member who sells her patterns. She had posted several shawls she'd recently made and put a link to the pattern. She wasn't charging a lot for it, really. In all honesty, it was a fair price, especially when you consider the advantage of the person who wrote the pattern being in the group, meaning you could ask her questions if need be. However, some people feel that any price is too high to pay. All patterns should be free of charge. From what the mod said, this woman came on Facebook today to over 20 messages of people bitching about what she was doing.
I'm glad the moderator called them out because it sends a message that people need to let sink in. People should be compensated for their skills. If someone works hard and creates something, and you want whatever this something is, you should compensate them for it. If someone edits your essay for you, pay them. If someone sets up your computer, pay them. If someone uses their skillsets to benefit your life, pay them. This payment doesn't always have to be money, but it should be something, even if that something is you using your skills in some way to make their lives better.
And if you do not want to pay them, just accept that you don't get to have what they are selling. Don't complain to them about how it isn't fair. Don't try to make them feel guilty. Certainly do not bully them. If you choose not to make a purchase, then don't make it. Accept the stuff out there that is free of charge and be happy with it.
Anyway, between all of the various boards, blogs, videos, and groups, one can find an abundance of projects and ideas for free. I could work on free projects for the rest of my life and never run out of them because there are really that many online. Even before I started working on this post, I read one over a crocheted clutch. It was there, totally for free. As long as you understood how to read the instructions, it was yours for the making.
If there is any price you have to pay for all of this free stuff, it is only in time. If you have a project in mind, it may take you a few hours (maybe even a few days) to find a free one to your liking. You may spend a lot of time searching through Google or YouTube or Ravelry to find what you need. There is a lot of stuff out there, and while narrowing your searches helps, it could still take you a while. However, if time is the only thing you are investing into this, it is still worth it.
That isn't to say there aren't patterns and projects you can buy. In fact, as many projects as there are out there for free, there are even more out there for purchase. The ones for sale usually have some characteristics to them over the free ones. They are cooler. They are more complex. They are very beautiful. Most of all, they often represent the kind of transcendent yarn craft work that most of us can only dream about.
I have absolutely no problem with people charging for their patterns. It often takes a of time, trial, and error to create a masterful pattern. Hell, the wonky hat I posted yesterday was a simple pattern, but it still took me quite a bit of time to figure it out. Some of the things that people can create with knitting needles or crochet hooks are breath-takingly beautiful. By all means, they deserve compensation for that.
It seems that not everyone sees it this way. Today on one of my crochet groups, the moderator had to call out some of the members for verbally abusing another member who sells her patterns. She had posted several shawls she'd recently made and put a link to the pattern. She wasn't charging a lot for it, really. In all honesty, it was a fair price, especially when you consider the advantage of the person who wrote the pattern being in the group, meaning you could ask her questions if need be. However, some people feel that any price is too high to pay. All patterns should be free of charge. From what the mod said, this woman came on Facebook today to over 20 messages of people bitching about what she was doing.
I'm glad the moderator called them out because it sends a message that people need to let sink in. People should be compensated for their skills. If someone works hard and creates something, and you want whatever this something is, you should compensate them for it. If someone edits your essay for you, pay them. If someone sets up your computer, pay them. If someone uses their skillsets to benefit your life, pay them. This payment doesn't always have to be money, but it should be something, even if that something is you using your skills in some way to make their lives better.
And if you do not want to pay them, just accept that you don't get to have what they are selling. Don't complain to them about how it isn't fair. Don't try to make them feel guilty. Certainly do not bully them. If you choose not to make a purchase, then don't make it. Accept the stuff out there that is free of charge and be happy with it.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
The New Hat and Other Progress
I wanted a new, warm, winter hat. I wanted it to be mostly black. I also knew I didn't want it to be completely black. I tried to work with some blue yarn but this just wasn't giving me what I wanted. I wasn't even sure what it was that I wanted, but finally settled on something from Claire's. With that in mind, I pulled out my pink yarn and did a couple of lines of bobble. As you can see from the picture, it's a little wonky. I probably needed a couple of more defined lines above and below the bobble line. It would also look better with just one line of bobble and pink, nearer to the bottom, though not as low as the second line. Still, even though I'm not 100% happy with the results, I still like the hat and now have an ultra warm/Claire'sesque hat to wear in this bitterly cold weather.And the weather has been so horribly cold. It snowed all day, which means all the snow, ice, and other dangerous crap that is lurking in my driveway didn't go anywhere. This wouldn't be so bad except I am lacking in every bit of grace and still face a lot of strength issues. Any trip outside has been an absolute nightmare. I'm breathless and shaking after even the littlest time out there. Tomorrow we're going shopping and past that, I plan on staying in the house all weekend and not going outside once. I hope my plan goes the way I want it to.
Despite the cold and the fatigue, I went to see my best friend today. We hung out at her house until the snow got too ambitious and my roommate came to get me. We had a good time and it was important for me to get out of the house for a while. It's good for me to get back to my normal activities, even if they exhaust me right now. The more I do them, the stronger I'll get. At least, this is my theory.
I'm hoping for better sleep tonight. Last night I was deliciously warm and woke up having a damned hot flash. Seriously? The main thing I need right now is sleep and my stupid body can't keep its stupid chemicals under control long enough for me to even get that? Bitch body. Leave me alone. Just finish menopausing already.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Master Debating and the Bigger Dialogue
So Bill Nye, of Science Guy fame publicly debated a dude named Ken Ham who claims he believes the world is only 6,000 years old. I say claims because I doubt he really believes this, because it would make him a giant idiot. More than likely, he talks about this belief because it gets him money and power from idiots who actually DO believe it. I could be wrong. He could actually believe that. I'm not sure if that's worse than him being a con man about it, honestly.
Anyway, they debated and people have talked a lot about it. The whole issue annoyed me and I couldn't quite put my finger on why until today someone posted something about it and I decided to comment back. My comment was something along the lines of how shocked Ken Ham will be whenever Cthulhu eats him. People thought it was funny. I thought it was funny, but on further reflection, I realized that comment actually has a lot to do with what annoys me SO MUCH about this whole debate.
The creation of the world debate is something that science people get a lot of press on and something that Christians get a lot of press on. Both sides debate and argue. Science types show up with facts and data, the religious people show up with lit torches and angry mobs and stuff they think they understand from the Bible. Past that, the whole topic rarely gets any discussion.
No one invites pagans to the debate. No one who believes the world was created by a goddess is ever asked to give their opinions. No one who believes aliens are responsible for our origins are ever invited. No one who thinks we traveled from another world are invited. And certainly, people who honestly think it's stupid to discuss this at all are invited. No, as usual, everyone who isn't the Christian or the Scientist is ignored. In a lot of cases, even Christians who have no problem with evolution or an old earth are ignored.
The Intelligent Design/Creationist crowd is always talking about how they JUST WANT to be able to have an open dialogue about things that aren't believed by the scientific community. But that isn't what they want. They want to feel like they're being martyred because people see them are idiots because they believe the world is younger than some of the trees on the planet and some of the artifacts from old civilizations. They certainly do not want any kind of open dialogue that would involve beliefs of a scientific nature that still do not line up with theirs.
Personally, I think the idea of the world only being 6,000 years old is not only idiotic, but horribly boring. How could we possibly want that? How could we not savor the idea of ancient, dark relics lurking under layers of ice? How could we not want there to be secrets so old and so profound that they would drive us insane if not for us understanding the truth of them in our marrow? Boring. Boring. Boring.
I continue to hope that Cthulhu eats them.
Anyway, they debated and people have talked a lot about it. The whole issue annoyed me and I couldn't quite put my finger on why until today someone posted something about it and I decided to comment back. My comment was something along the lines of how shocked Ken Ham will be whenever Cthulhu eats him. People thought it was funny. I thought it was funny, but on further reflection, I realized that comment actually has a lot to do with what annoys me SO MUCH about this whole debate.
The creation of the world debate is something that science people get a lot of press on and something that Christians get a lot of press on. Both sides debate and argue. Science types show up with facts and data, the religious people show up with lit torches and angry mobs and stuff they think they understand from the Bible. Past that, the whole topic rarely gets any discussion.
No one invites pagans to the debate. No one who believes the world was created by a goddess is ever asked to give their opinions. No one who believes aliens are responsible for our origins are ever invited. No one who thinks we traveled from another world are invited. And certainly, people who honestly think it's stupid to discuss this at all are invited. No, as usual, everyone who isn't the Christian or the Scientist is ignored. In a lot of cases, even Christians who have no problem with evolution or an old earth are ignored.
The Intelligent Design/Creationist crowd is always talking about how they JUST WANT to be able to have an open dialogue about things that aren't believed by the scientific community. But that isn't what they want. They want to feel like they're being martyred because people see them are idiots because they believe the world is younger than some of the trees on the planet and some of the artifacts from old civilizations. They certainly do not want any kind of open dialogue that would involve beliefs of a scientific nature that still do not line up with theirs.
Personally, I think the idea of the world only being 6,000 years old is not only idiotic, but horribly boring. How could we possibly want that? How could we not savor the idea of ancient, dark relics lurking under layers of ice? How could we not want there to be secrets so old and so profound that they would drive us insane if not for us understanding the truth of them in our marrow? Boring. Boring. Boring.
I continue to hope that Cthulhu eats them.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Wrists Wiggles
Today I was supposed to go to therapy, but that didn't happen. It's still snowy, wet, and nasty outside. Plus, the cold I have kept me up all night with coughing and sick-pees. I hate that I missed again, but these things happen. Today wasn't just about therapy though. My roommate had a dentist appointment and we needed to pay some bills. As much as I wanted to just lounge around in yesterday's clothes and do nothing, that wasn't going to happen.
Around noon, I managed to get a shower. It was not easy. I know I have talked a lot about my recent fatigue, but it is such a huge obstacle to my life now. I don't sit and blow dry my hair these days. I lay down and move the dryer around my head as needed. And even with that, I take some breaks.
This is the major problem with the showering while fatigued. Showering isn't just one task. It is a series of a lot of tasks, all of which have to happen in order for the shower to be successful. If you feel great, none of these things are a big deal. When you feel like hell, ALL of them become a big deal. When you are exhausted, you find yourself doing things like resting during the hair drying process and hoping you have enough strength left to put on clothes.
This is the major problem with the showering while fatigued. Showering isn't just one task. It is a series of a lot of tasks, all of which have to happen in order for the shower to be successful. If you feel great, none of these things are a big deal. When you feel like hell, ALL of them become a big deal. When you are exhausted, you find yourself doing things like resting during the hair drying process and hoping you have enough strength left to put on clothes.
To combat the physical weakness, I decided to start trying to add some minimal exercise to my morning. At this moment, I am in such a sad state that all I could manage to do was move my wrists 40 times and my ankles 25 times. Seriously, that was all I could do before feeling exhausted. Maybe I can do more tomorrow.
Sunday night's bleeding hasn't repeated itself again (yet), but with all the jolting my body is doing from the cough, I won't be surprised if more breakthrough bleeding happens. If it doesn't, I will be thrilled. My hopes aren't up about it.
Monday, February 3, 2014
The Chain
I bled again last night. On a scale from no blood to volcano blood, it was only about a 3, but it still worried me. Clearly this isn't over. I won't be completely free of unpredictable breakthrough bleeding. My chain may be longer now, but I'm still on it. I am tired of that chain. I'm tired of the constant need for tampons. I'm tired of the constant war with pads . . . and for some reason, with me, that always IS a war. I'm tired of worrying if and when things are going to go back to being a bloodbath. I am tired of being captive to my body like this.
The worst part is that I'd told myself that if I went a full week without bleeding, I could safely stop having to deal with the constant tampon and pad thing. After all, it's not natural to have this stuff in and around you all the time. I used to live my life without them and I'd like to do that again. It's expensive to do this all the time, somewhat dangerous, and, most of all, just another part of that chain.
I've developed some nasty little hacking cough/cold thing too. I did not need this right now. My energy reserves are down to basically nothing and depleting them more with coughing and body aches just really aren't a good idea. I think I started the day with two spoons. They were gone before noon. I couldn't even summon up the energy to shower, which means I have to try and do that in the morning.
We did manage to get groceries and pay some bills. This was despite my need to sit and almost violently catch my breath every time I would move from the house to the van. So I accomplished something today, if only marginally. The chain may have me, but at least I can trudge along and do some stuff. A few things.
I will be so happy when this is over.
The worst part is that I'd told myself that if I went a full week without bleeding, I could safely stop having to deal with the constant tampon and pad thing. After all, it's not natural to have this stuff in and around you all the time. I used to live my life without them and I'd like to do that again. It's expensive to do this all the time, somewhat dangerous, and, most of all, just another part of that chain.
I've developed some nasty little hacking cough/cold thing too. I did not need this right now. My energy reserves are down to basically nothing and depleting them more with coughing and body aches just really aren't a good idea. I think I started the day with two spoons. They were gone before noon. I couldn't even summon up the energy to shower, which means I have to try and do that in the morning.
We did manage to get groceries and pay some bills. This was despite my need to sit and almost violently catch my breath every time I would move from the house to the van. So I accomplished something today, if only marginally. The chain may have me, but at least I can trudge along and do some stuff. A few things.
I will be so happy when this is over.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Groundhog Day
It seems that the groundhog went outside, laughed at everyone really hard, hacked up something, spit it out, and walked back inside. As he was doing this, he waved his hands and it started to snow again. We have winter for another six weeks. I don't think anyone is surprised by this. I certainly wasn't. In fact, we're on our third batch of snow for the winter. That's pretty rare for us. I'm fine with the cold, so long as I don't have to go out in it. Unfortunately, that tends to happen more often than I would like. In fact, I may have to go out in the snow twice tomorrow, which is annoying, but unavoidable. I certainly have to go out twice on Tuesday. It's going to be a long week.
I finished the ugly wool hat. I'm not happy with it but my roommate likes it a lot. One of the nice things about being around a blunt and honest person is that you can trust them when they say they like something. They're not just saying it to please you or get you to shut up. Anyway, the ugly wool hat will get constructed into an ugly wool beard/hat tomorrow, assuming I have enough light.
I'm still feeling the effects of the dysfunctional uterine bleeding. My body has shifted shape and my roommate tells me my gait is different. Were I not still weak as a new kitten, I'd probably be enjoying both of these facts a lot. Unfortunately, I AM still as weak as a kitten. It's getting better, but it is a slow damned process. I'm trying to push myself, but that isn't easy. I'm still using a lot of oxygen to get through the day and tasks are rough. Even crocheting would sometimes tire me while I was making ugly wool hat.
To amuse myself, I watched NYC Prep on Netflix and indulged in all of its awfulness. Then I read the archived Gawker summaries of it, which were so bitchfully excellent. It really helped me to get through the craziness that has been the last month.
I finished the ugly wool hat. I'm not happy with it but my roommate likes it a lot. One of the nice things about being around a blunt and honest person is that you can trust them when they say they like something. They're not just saying it to please you or get you to shut up. Anyway, the ugly wool hat will get constructed into an ugly wool beard/hat tomorrow, assuming I have enough light.
I'm still feeling the effects of the dysfunctional uterine bleeding. My body has shifted shape and my roommate tells me my gait is different. Were I not still weak as a new kitten, I'd probably be enjoying both of these facts a lot. Unfortunately, I AM still as weak as a kitten. It's getting better, but it is a slow damned process. I'm trying to push myself, but that isn't easy. I'm still using a lot of oxygen to get through the day and tasks are rough. Even crocheting would sometimes tire me while I was making ugly wool hat.
To amuse myself, I watched NYC Prep on Netflix and indulged in all of its awfulness. Then I read the archived Gawker summaries of it, which were so bitchfully excellent. It really helped me to get through the craziness that has been the last month.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
1000
In the midst of all the weirdness I've been going through the last month, I have been keeping an eye on something. This is my 1000th blog post. I have been working on this thing long enough to actually do 1000 posts. This is probably the longest I have ever committed to anything besides eating. Holy. Hell. One thousand posts.
I love blogging. It keeps me sane. It keeps me focused. It helps me to actually keep an accounting of what is happening in my life. Sometimes this even proves to be practical when I can't quite remember the date something happened. I'm getting older so that happens more often than you would think. This blog holds my hopes, my dreams, my projects, my pain, my anger, my snark, and my day to day struggle just to stay alive.
Over the years, what I do with this blog has changed. I started out trying to have a theme with it but that didn't happen. Sometimes I talk about my various interests. Sometimes I blog about crafts. Lately I've been talking about the hell my body is going through and what these changes could mean. I don't always blog every day, but I try to. I don't always have valid or important content, but I at least try to speak about what is happening to me in the moment. I use this to let my voice be heard.
For most of the life of this blog, it's been written late at night as I sit by my computer. There is usually a cat at my feet and an oxygen tube in my nose. My roommate has usually gone to bed and I am most often about to head that way myself. Since I got my iPod, this has somewhat changed. I sometimes blog on it, either via Dragon Dictation or just Notes. This has added an element of "in the moment" to my blog, as I will write about what is happening during the day as it is happening, or at least well within an hour or so of it. I don't always do this, but I like to do it. I enjoy the energy of it.
When I was in the middle of the horrible bleeding and fairly certain I would probably die, I would sometimes lay there and think about what I'd not done with my life . . . which is a lot of things. I'm 40 and by most people's standards, I don't have a lot to my name. For a creative person, I've not created a lot. I have some unpublished works of fiction, some yarncraft, and painted zombie head. But whenever I would start to feel horrible about it, I would remind myself that I have the blog. This blog contains several years' worth of my thoughts and ramblings, all there for anyone who wishes to read them. I have this accomplishment, if nothing else.
Whenever I noticed I'd hit into the later 900s, I started thinking about where I wanted to take the blog after I reached the 1000 mark. The thing is, since the Uterine Rebellion, I don't think I should try to plan anything of that nature. I think for right now, the blog should just continue to be what it is, an organic summary of whatever I happen to be thinking about by the time I start writing it. This is what I need it to be at the moment and it may be what I need it to be until I can no longer form thoughts into sentences.
Yes, I plan to be blogging until then.
I love blogging. It keeps me sane. It keeps me focused. It helps me to actually keep an accounting of what is happening in my life. Sometimes this even proves to be practical when I can't quite remember the date something happened. I'm getting older so that happens more often than you would think. This blog holds my hopes, my dreams, my projects, my pain, my anger, my snark, and my day to day struggle just to stay alive.
Over the years, what I do with this blog has changed. I started out trying to have a theme with it but that didn't happen. Sometimes I talk about my various interests. Sometimes I blog about crafts. Lately I've been talking about the hell my body is going through and what these changes could mean. I don't always blog every day, but I try to. I don't always have valid or important content, but I at least try to speak about what is happening to me in the moment. I use this to let my voice be heard.
For most of the life of this blog, it's been written late at night as I sit by my computer. There is usually a cat at my feet and an oxygen tube in my nose. My roommate has usually gone to bed and I am most often about to head that way myself. Since I got my iPod, this has somewhat changed. I sometimes blog on it, either via Dragon Dictation or just Notes. This has added an element of "in the moment" to my blog, as I will write about what is happening during the day as it is happening, or at least well within an hour or so of it. I don't always do this, but I like to do it. I enjoy the energy of it.
When I was in the middle of the horrible bleeding and fairly certain I would probably die, I would sometimes lay there and think about what I'd not done with my life . . . which is a lot of things. I'm 40 and by most people's standards, I don't have a lot to my name. For a creative person, I've not created a lot. I have some unpublished works of fiction, some yarncraft, and painted zombie head. But whenever I would start to feel horrible about it, I would remind myself that I have the blog. This blog contains several years' worth of my thoughts and ramblings, all there for anyone who wishes to read them. I have this accomplishment, if nothing else.
Whenever I noticed I'd hit into the later 900s, I started thinking about where I wanted to take the blog after I reached the 1000 mark. The thing is, since the Uterine Rebellion, I don't think I should try to plan anything of that nature. I think for right now, the blog should just continue to be what it is, an organic summary of whatever I happen to be thinking about by the time I start writing it. This is what I need it to be at the moment and it may be what I need it to be until I can no longer form thoughts into sentences.
Yes, I plan to be blogging until then.
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