Parent Overload

I read an article today by a woman who had her first kid in 1994. She was 17 at the time, and single. And even as a single, teenaged mother, she still felt like she had a better grip on being a parent than people seem to have these days, even more than she herself seems to have these days with her younger kids. She thinks the problem is the information overload parents have to deal with.

When she was younger, her only guidance about raising her kid was her parents and a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting. She says even as far as her parents go, it wasn't that much help. Her mother would give her suggestions and tell her what she did, but always reminded her to trust her own instincts. She wrote that her mother trusted her and so she trusted herself to do right by her kids.

Now though, we have tons of blogs, articles, and differing opinions about how to raise children. It seems that every day, I see a new article about how someone else is raising their kid and how you're probably not doing that. People scream about working moms or ones that stay at home full time. They have intense statements about breast feeding versus bottle feeding or when to stop or IF to stop. And even though everyone seems to have a drastically different idea about how to raise children, they all seem to believe their ideas are correct . . . and probably yours are wrong.

I'm not a parent, but I know a lot of parents and have heard many of them express dismay at how badly they think they're doing. And these aren't the parents who let their kids roam naked on the needle covered floors of their drug dens, these are responsible, educated people who are good parents . . . but somehow believe that they're not.

One of the biggest problems with living in a consumer-driven society is that those who are selling things often do so by convincing us that we're miserable failures if we don't buy. They may be selling products, they may be selling books, they may just be selling clicks to their blogposts. Whatever it is, they do so by exploiting the uncertainty that has been instilled in us since we were young that we're not good on our own and need ALL THE STUFF to be better.

Any time someone gives you their opinion, especially if it concerns you directly, it's always wise to consider what they really want from you. Are they trying to actually help you in your life? Are they trying to tear you down for their own benefit? Are they trying to control you? Sell you stuff? Make you feel insecure so you'll buy stuff, even when you don't need it? And if they're doing it for any reason other than to truly help you, it might be best to not take what they have to say with a grain of salt.

As a parent, you will fail. You'll screw up. You'll make mistakes. You'll do regrettable things. You'll feel like you betrayed your kid and yourself and everyone. However, assuming you're somewhat invested and responsible, you won't do this ALL the time. You'll still do it some of the time because you're a flawed human and that's just what we do. We mess up. We ignore people. We make people unhappy. We also make them very happy and quite often, we make them feel valued.

Raising a kid who feels valued will go a long way towards them becoming a decent, functioning adult.

Snow and Kindness

You know how I talked about my comfort zones yesterday and breaking them? Ohhhh boy did I do that today! I was over at my friend's house and had to drive home in the snow! It was  . . . well, I lived, and I certainly overcame a lot of different obstacles. Driving through snow means that you have to make a lot of choices about things. I think I made the right ones.

But I don't want to talk about me, oddly enough. I want to talk about the really nice thing that my best friend's husband did for me. When it was time for me to leave, he walked outside with me and brushed the snow off of my windows. This was such a deeply kind thing for him to do! I felt so grateful for it, because it saved me a lot of time and suffering in having to do them for myself. I was really touched by this.

I went home thinking this had been a day of true kindness toward me. You see, I thought someone else had been very kind to me as well. When I left this morning, it was still dark outside and things were a bit iced over from the snow we'd had a few days ago. But the outside light by the back stoop was on. It had been on for some time, because it was actually shining bright (it takes it a while to do that, a long while). I was so touched! I thought my roommate had turned the light on for me so I wouldn't be stumbling around in the icy darkness.

When I got home, I thanked my roommate for leaving the light on. He looked confused and told me he didn't mean to do it. The light was on because he'd been looking for an outdoor cat and just forgot to turn it off. I'd been thinking he was awesome and kind all day for no reason!

Even still, it was a good way to start my morning. Even unintended kindness is good.

Comfort Zoning

Today I had to take the van to get an oil change. This was really just an excuse to have them look at the tires. I'm always really paranoid about the tires, especially when I know I am going to be driving myself somewhere. I know I am trying to embrace the things that scare me, but sometimes maybe a little paranoia is a good thing. 

I went inside the shop because I hate driving over that oil change thing. It was also very cold outside and I don't really like freezing. So yes, I am still staying in my comfort zones. I can't be brave all the time. But hey, I managed to stay in a room with mostly men and I didn't freak out. That's something.

As it turned out, the tires needed some air. My instincts were right. Now I can drive tomorrow with a big more comfort. Clearly, that's something I need.

Not Above the Manipulation

The cats have been hanging out in the laundry room, sleeping in the baskets of towels. Today, I folded the towels and you know what? My cats came back into the living room. I have on my knee as I type. Seems all I have to do to keep my cats with me is keep the towels handled.

So is that manipulation? Sure is! I guess I'm not above a little manipulation is it means I'm going to get cuddles. That may be the most Crazy Cat Lady thing I've ever written. I'm sure it won't be the last though. I think my life has basically been headed down the cat lady direction for a while now. People often insult single women by saying shit like, 'enjoy your cats.' That's really not so much of an insult when you like cats more than most people.

We had more melt off today. I was able to deal with the trash without much of a problem. I was happy about that because I like not falling, as I mentioned last night. I'm pretty ready for Winter to be over with, but I'm not looking forward to the flea and storm hell that is Spring. Or Summer. I want it to be Fall again.

I need to make peace with the seasons.

Melting

The snow finally started melting today. That doesn't mean it will melt completely, but at least it's a start. I'm really wanting a clear path for the taking out of trash tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. We usually take it out around noon, so maybe. I just don't want to fall on my ass and break anything . . . like my ass.

I've added a bit of ritual into my night. I'm watching Toonami Aftermath for a few episodes of this and that at night now. It's fun because it reminds me of being in my 20s and still having some hope for the future. Hah! Perhaps it's just more of my midlife crisis, which is honestly going better than my mid-midlife crisis.

Back when I was in my early 20s, like, 21 or 22, I went through what I called The Big Nothing. It's when I was facing the reality that I didn't want anything out of life. I didn't want a family or kids. I doubted I would get a job that made me happy or get to write the things that would make me feel fulfilled. I got really depressed about this and felt like I'd hit some wall of reality. What was left? Just existing? Drugs? I honestly had no idea.

So I've spent 20 years since then just kind of . . . well, drifting and searching for things. Or, you know, most of the time, NOT searching. Most of the time, I was just trying to subsist in as much comfort as I could manage in the moment and be somewhat entertaining to those around me.

Is the Big Nothing still there? Yeah, it is. But, I've come to accept it. It's more of a comfort to me now. Sure, I have goals and stuff now, but they're not huge things and I know they won't make me happy. I make me happy.

The Love Affair

I read this article today and it was important. It's actually one of many articles I've been reading of late that concern body acceptance and self love. A lot of people get hinky about the idea of people accepting their bodies and loving them. They act like this is going to be counterproductive to all of 'them fat people' losing weight. It won't be. In fact, it will eventually have the opposite effect.

The woman in this article talked about the process of starting to exercise. She said that she didn't do it because she felt she SHOULD. She didn't do it out of some sense of duty or obligation. She did it because she realized her body craved movement. This was something her body wanted and desired. She loved herself enough at that point to allow it. She loved herself enough to understand what her body wanted.

See, this is a hard place to get to. I will admit I'm not there. For most of my life, I've done my best to ignore my body. It was, at best, an inconvenient. Most of the time, it was just a drag. It wasn't doing what I wanted it to do or looking how I wanted to look. It would cause me pain. Recently, it tried to kill me and I was, for a very long time, quite angry with my body. What exercise I did, what healthy decisions I made, weren't really for my body's benefit. They were to insure things were easier next time it tried to kill me.

I've started to realize this isn't a healthy way to view myself. It isn't even fair. My body IS a part of me and it does amazing things for me every second. I need to learn to listen to it, to understand what it wants and desires. I need to learn to love my body, and to make that love the primary love affair of my life. And the frustrating thing is, I shouldn't do that as a means to an end, though, if I'm being honest, right now, it still would be. Over time, perhaps, I can overcome that.

I love my mind. My mind is probably my favorite thing. Loving my mind isn't always easy because I have some mental places that are dark and full of terrors, but most of the time, my mind is great. I want to learn to love my body, however it happens to be in any given moment, as much as I love my mind. This is something I'm going to work on.

Snowy Sunday

It began to snow today around noon. I was in the living room and watched the flurries. At first, the flakes fell large and wet, but then they got harder and began to knock against the windows. It was a pretty snow and I am glad I didn't have to get out in it. I like snow at a distance, kind of how I like lions.

The snow was my highlight of the day. My stomach was messed up and frequently rebelled. This left me drained and rather depressed. I've felt kind of isolated and lonely of late. I'm not sure why. It isn't like I am alone. Maybe it's because of the snow. It might also have to do with my ears popping and crackling all day.

In any event, I hope my stomach calms down soon and I can avoid the snow as much as possible.

Life on Mars

So people are going to go to Mars. At least, that's what they keep telling us. When I first heard about this, I honestly thought it was a joke. In fact, because one of the guys who is in the running to go to Mars is the foster brother of my cousins, I assumed THEY were playing the big joke on everyone. It turns out, however, this is a real thing. People are really going to go to Mars and more than likely, not come back from it.

Understandably, my cousins are having a difficult time with that last part. The idea that someone they love going to another planet and never coming back is pretty awful. It will basically be like him dying. I'm hoping if he does end up being selected that he can still have ways to communicate back to them. Otherwise, yeah, that's sad and scary.

Outside of this personal connection to the whole thing, I have to admit that I'd somewhat given up hope that people would colonize another planet in my lifetime. When I was under 12, I thought we would, but then Challenger happened and things changed about how people viewed going to space. Suddenly, all of our 'off the planet' motivation seemed to have dried up.

The interesting thing about being a kid in the '80s is that I've already lived through quite a lot of people's predictive futures (1984, 2001, 2010, and so on) that didn't end up the way people thought they would. Instead of going into outerspace, we made a home in cyberspace. People became citizens of the internet, for good and for the bad. It seemed that technology was going to stay in that direction, the stars, for the moment, forgotten.

And then suddenly this private company has decided to send people to Mars. Wow. Just . . . wow. This really blows me away. A colony outside of our planet. I'm not sure it's a good idea, but it's certainly an exciting one. And I have to admit, it fills my inner child with serious happiness. Finally, space. Finally.

Pain in my Face

A year ago today I met my best friend's dog for the first time. It's so strange to think he's only been around for a year. It seems like it was a lot longer than that. It's funny how someone can come into your life and feel like they were there the whole time. I think our hearts just needed them, maybe. I find that to be quite beautiful.

The weather was grey and dreary today. It was the kind of drear that just makes you want to bury yourself in blankets and never come out. I did that during my nap and basically slept until my roommate woke me up. Trust me, I could have slept longer. Winter is starting to really get to me. It needs to end soon.

Aside from that, I spent the day having sinus issues. My nose isn't running. These are deeper sinus cavity problems, causing actual pain in my face. It isn't pleasant and at times, it was close to agony. Thank goodness for headache meds. I am not sure what I would have done without them.

Opening Eyes

If anything good has come out of this ban on AP History in my state, it's that a lot of people are against it. I think maybe people are starting to realize the level of idiot we have running things. This may not change anything, but who knows? Maybe it will. It's time we started to push the crazies out the door.

The weather is cold and we're having to keep the stoves on all night. I'm not happy about this. It means the bill will go up, for one thing. For another, it dries me out. I feel like crap right now because there isn't enough humidity in the house. My grandmother had a humidifier, but I'm always on the fence about those. I don't know if it should be used or not.

Anyway, it's been a long day and I don't feel so hot. Maybe it will be a good weekend. I'd like a nice, comfortable weekend.

Knowing is Half the Battle

Oklahoma legislature never stops amazing me. If they're not passing laws to mess with gay people, they're sucking up to big energy and trying to pass laws that keep people dependent on said energy companies. Everything they do is petty and transparent, usually 'let's help the people lining our pockets while masking it in having values.'

Sometimes though, they find new depths to their idiocy. They did that yesterday, when a committee voted to get rid of AP American History in all Oklahoma public schools. They said they did this because it was too close to Common Core (even though AP has been around since I was in high school over 20 years ago) and that it didn't promote American Exceptionalism.

American Exceptionalism, if indeed it needs to be taught at all, is something that should be taught in elementary school. Charlie Brown did a special on it that explained everything perfectly. That special is set for little kids. And I'm not trying to be insulting here. I think it is important to talk about how America was formed with ideals in mind. It is something young children can understand. To try and apply that to Advanced Placement history classes is like wanting to force them to teach addition and subtraction in AP Calculus.

In an Advanced Placement class, the concept of Exceptionalism shouldn't be taught. Like I said, Exceptionalism is a basic and simplistic view of America. AP US History is an advanced class where advanced thinking is required. It's a class where we examine the history of this country in all of it's good AND bad steps. I don't think there is anything wrong with looking at where we've screwed up. To teach people their country is flawless is dangerous. To whitewash the history of what we have done is a disservice to the people who worked hard to learn from that history and try to do better.

I think it's important to recognize that we are a young country and have accomplished a lot for such a young country. At the same time, we've made some huge mistakes. However, as a young country, we can still learn from those mistakes and do better. The thing is, if we don't know or examine where we failed, how CAN we learn to do better? Doing better should always be the goal, not sticking your head in the sand and pretending everything is just perfect.

In the Moment

It was cold again today. I washed my hair, which is always somewhat of an adventure in really cold weather. It always feels kind of like one solid thing when it's wet. That's always really interesting to me. I love it when my body does things it doesn't normally do, well you know, within reason. I don't like it when my body bleeds uncontrollably or gets cancer.

I was reading an article today about a woman who was apologizing to her body for all the punishing and shaming things she does to it. At one point, she talked about how her body does all these amazing things like let her see and touch and feel, and yet she constantly stays angry at it for not being perfect. It was an interesting perspective, though I felt perhaps she was a bit too down on herself, basically blaming her mind instead of her body at one point. Still, I got the idea. This body is part of me and does a lot of really great things for me. I should respect that and love it.

In therapy, I work a lot on mindfulness and understanding how to connect with the NOW and with who I am in the moment. It's not always easy. In fact, it's usually not easy at all because my mind would rather be anywhere else other than in the moment. A few weeks ago, we worked on this thing where I had to write down as many of my thoughts as I could in three minutes. They were everywhere, jumbled impressions of things, questions about those impressions, mental notes to myself, and so many other things besides what was going on with the connection between my mind and my body.

Being mindful of your surroundings is very useful. If you are aware of what is really happening, you'll be able to note when  things begin to go wrong. "Oh, I got nervous because . . ." or "I started binge eating because  . . ." When you see the triggers, you can learn to avoid them, or at least process them in a more positive manner. At least, in theory.

So what am I experiencing right now? Well, clearly the sound and feel of my keyboard. It's probably one of the things I experience most in my life. Now I'm thinking about how funny it is that I learned to type, not because of a typing class (even though I took one), but because of chatting to other people. I can also hear my oxygen machine and feel the slight pressure of the cannula in my nose. There is also a slight pressure on my leg, because one of my cats is sitting on it. The lower half of my body is warm, the upper half is okay, aside from my fingers, which are cold. Probably because of this keyboard.

Of course, tons of other things are going on as well, but I can't type fast enough to snap all of them. Oh, the cat just bit me. This happens more often than I'd like.

Less Ancestral Laughing

I had to get the meat off of two chickens today. Hah! I should note that I wrote 'children' instead of 'chicken' the first time around. I changed it though, because it was actually chicken. Children would take way longer.

Anyway, this activity is one of the many that is now far easier with the lipoma removed from my arm. I used to have to take rest breaks and just sit there while I was working on two chickens. Now I can push my way through without really getting that tired. I'm also not putting myself into pain and then deeper pain, meaning I can focus more on what I'm trying to accomplish. I finished the chickens in a very short time. This also helped in me being in less pain, because I was able to get out of that chair quicker. After a while, that chair starts to work every nerve in my back.

I cannot stress how much this is an improvement in my life. Having full use of my arm, having strength in my arm, and having the ability to do stuff with it like all the normal people is just a blessing.

I also found out today that a group of developers are trying to recode Glitch back into existence. They're actually serious about this and I am so happy.

Winter Nasties

We have some kind of winter mess showing up the next few days and my butt is going to stay in the house. In fact, we even went shopping today to make sure we didn't have to go out in the mess tomorrow. I am so happy that I don't have to drive on  the ice! I know I said I was being more brave, but there's brave and then there's stupid. Not that everyone driving on the ice is stupid........but it is for me.

Since I don't have to go out in the nasty weather (hopefully), I can enjoy that it's happening. We somewhat need it to happen.  Things are starting to bloom and be springlike, which means mowing and sinus issues and fleas. I want none of that, not yet. I'd like at least somewhat of a break before all of that shows up.

Though somehow, no matter how mild winter is being, my skin is still as dried out as it possibly can be. I've been dealing with it for weeks now and it only seems to get worse. I have no idea what to do at this point, other than to keep slathering it with lotion.

Anyway, this week may be full of snow and other things. Maybe not, but it's looking like that. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm warm and that is a good thing.

Rough Valentine's Day

It's been a rough day. My best friend's father-in-law passed away. I think more than anything, I just wish that the family finds peace and comfort.

The Yes

On my list of many, many flaws is the fact that I'm not very brave. Seriously not brave, to the point of often being a weenus about things. Like many of my flaws, this one has caused me many, many problems. It's one that I've been trying to tackle, as I've mentioned before. It's kind of my goal for the year. You know, a lot of the times, when you make a New Years' Resolution, it's either something you absolutely won't do (like save money or work out more) or it's something that just won't come up all that often, because it's vague.

Mine, however, seems to present itself quite often. Be more brave. Embrace the challenges. Face the scaries!

On Tuesday, my roommate and I were in the local small city and considered getting take out from a place we like, but is only located there. We ran short on time though, and in the discussion, he said that given how I would be in town on Friday, I could get it then.

I didn't want to get it then. I was going to be by myself, driving BY MYSELF. It would require me taking roads I never drive by myself (I usually am the passenger when we're in the city). I would have to cross lanes of busy traffic. My mind was instantly screaming all this at me while he waited for an answer. It also supplied me with tons of excuses as to why I could reasonably back out of it.

I said yes.

And yes, I actually did pick the stuff up. I drove down the scary streets in the scary traffic and crossed the traffic and made it home in one piece. And of course I did, because none of this was really all that scary. It's normal stuff normal people do every day without harm. I'm just not brave.

I'm getting there though.

Levels of Empathy

The Chapel Hill murders appeared on my newsfeed yesterday morning. It was the first thing I saw, posted by a Muslim woman who is on my friendslist. She's usually this bright ray of sunshine on my feed. She posts about her cat and her travels, about her family and how good her week is going. To see write about something that made her heart break basically made mine break as well. I could feel her pain in the post she did, feel her despair, and feel her need for comfort in the prayer she offered up to the families of the victims.

Would she feel this horrible about anyone getting killed? Yes, I believe she would. However, I understand how it feels more personal to her in this case. How could it not? Two women with the same head covering that she wears everyday were murdered, more than likely, because of that headcovering. Muslim women are often the more likely targets of violence, because they are usually more identifiable.

The facts are common and everyday. A 46 year old man killed three college kids, one 19, the other in their early 20s. Was this man insane? Perhaps, but I believe there is a certain indulgence to the insanity that some people develop, a kind of deep and abiding darkness for anything they don't see as their own. People are going to ask us to empathize with this man, due to his mental health issues. Should we? Isn't it interesting how those who defend the killers usually only choose those moments to address mental health problems in our country?

The man's wife said this was not a hate crime. She said it was about a dispute over parking. She asked us to consider his mental state. However, I believe that while this was about parking and about his insanity, on some level, I think we also need to accept the nature of the hate crime here.

After all, a sane person can get into a fight with someone about parking places. Sane people will complain to their friends. They will complain to management. They may try to work out some kind of deal with the people who also want the parking place. If this person has mental issues, and they're fighting with people they still view as 'like them,' they may slash a tire, key the car, have it towed.

To walk into someone's home and shoot them in the head, to shoot three people in the head, over a conflict about parking? That is not just insanity. That is hatred. That is planned, considered, probably relished, and carried out. This was a hate crime. The fact that the man may have had mental issues is only a small part of it. This was a hate crime.

I don't like some my neighbors. They make too much noise. They run machines at all hours of the day. They don't take care of their animals. They act rather odd. However, if they cause me too many problems, I would mostly just avoid them and, at the worst, call the police. I would never walk into their homes and kill them. Oh, and guess what? I have mental health issues. I just don't go around hating people so much that I let that justify murder and I never would. 

Good Tech

You know, as much as I bitch about technology, I have to admit there are very good things about it. For instance, right now, I'm listening to albums of Youtube ON my television via Roku. That's what lovely. It's almost like having Mtv (back when it was good) again. You have to select the videos yourself, but as a trade off, you don't have to listen to VJs.

Another great thing about technology is the fact that my alarm clock is my phone. There is nothing as crappy, annoying, or ugly as that old alarm clock I used to have. It took up so much space, glared red lights at me, and had the most horrible noise ever. My phone? It's small and has easy lights and plays the sweetest song to wake me up. Ahh, so much better.

I also have more songs on my ipod than I ever owned otherwise, and it also takes up far less room. Oh, and books on the ipod too. It seems that a lot of tech is about shrinking.

New Trashcan

We had to go into town today for my roommate's dentist appointment. It was a rather nice day. There was a bit of a chill in the air, but nothing bad. It is certainly better than last year, when we still had ice on the ground at this time. No ice is a very good thing.

While we were up there, we stopped by Walmart and bought a new outside trash can. One of our old ones has a crack in  the lid, which means it would have spent the coming spring full of water. That could have gotten really annoying. Now, however, it can go live in the carport with the other lidless trashcan. The newer one has taken its place by the door.

At some point this spring, I need to clean out Rabbitkiller. It has a vast collection of random, weird stuff in it right now. For instance, there is an old pair of my shoes in there. They have holes in  them. I have no idea why they've not been tossed. There are also about 6000 Lane Bryant catalogs. Those need to go. I'm not sure when this Cleaning of the Car will happen, but it will. Maybe some time in March.

Overall, it was a nice day. It's always better when we go into town and actually accomplish our goals. Half the time when we show up there, we can't find what we need while shopping. Today, however, we got what we wanted. Awesome.

Being A Human

Sometimes gender politic moments happen in  the oddest of places. When I was walking out of city hall after paying my water bill, I noticed a man coming toward the door. I smiled at him and stepped out of his way, holding the door open until he could take it from me. He frowned at me as he realized what was happening and looked a bit sheepish. When he got to the door, he didn't meet my eyes as he muttered 'thank you.' I told him to have a great day and walked to my car.

As much as men complain about women and their pesky liberation and their even more confusing 'holding the door' issues, I think we've reached a point where the confusion is about equal. Online, I read a lot of comments by men who wish for women to treat them the same as they wish to be treated, as in, hold the doors for them, that kind of thing. And, honestly, when it comes to doorholding, you should always err on the side of politeness. If someone is coming toward the door or has stuff in their hands or it is in anyway more convenient for you to hold it than them, do so.

I think we need to get past it being a gender thing. And while I know it's a weirdly hot button topic for a lot of people, it's also a nice, simple way to START getting past it as a gender thing.  Instead of holding the door open and looking at the other person as a man or a woman or even looking at yourself as a man or a woman, just view them as a human who needs the assist and you as a human who can provide it. Leave gender out of the equation and just be a person.

For me, holding the doors for people is a sign of growing strength. For a long time, about the best I could do while standing up was just to lumber from Point A to Point B. I really couldn't pay attention to what other people needed, even  the small things. As I've gotten more healthy, one of the privileges I feel I now have is being able to help other people out a little, even if it's just holding a door open. I can take part, as a human, with the other humans. That's pretty nice.

Bad Fish

My roommate is a great cook, but he can only do so much with the products he has to work with. Tonight, he spent quite a lot of time preparing some fish for our evening meal. Normally, this is a wonderful thing. Tonight, it was not.

This wasn't his fault. He bought some fish that they said was perfectly safe and fine. It wasn't. The fish was nasty. We both took about a bite of it and then had to toss the rest. Past that, the house smelled like bad fish. We've sprayed stuff to make it smell better, but that only helped a little.

I felt bad for him. Nothing sucks more than going through all that effort just for it to turn bad over something you had no way of controlling. This can be exasperating, but he handled it with good humor. He knew it wasn't anything he did. I went and got us something else to eat and now it's just a matter of the smell going away.

Panic Mode

TWO years ago today I was in the process of dealing with the 1099-C scare. It hadn't been settled as of yet. I'd mostly just calmed myself down enough to do research on it. The research was complicated and confusing, and I was so emotional I had trouble focusing on the details of it. However, eventually, I began to understand what I was reading, find my solutions, and fix the ordeal. While I was trying to find a way through it, my mind was preparing me for the idea that I might not be able to fix anything.

This is something my brain always does, a kind of deep rationalization to make me cold to the problem. "What is the absolute worse thing that can happen?" I consider that, realize how bad it will be.........and accept it. With a kind of wry finality, I just accept it. "Okay, so this awful thing may happen to me, and this will be how I cope with it." And while this never exactly brings me peace of mind in a complete sense, it at least sooths down some of the panic. With less panic, I can usually function.

Last year, I had to do this several times. Oh hey, I may bleed to death, but at least I won't have to put up with bleeding anymore. Oh hey, I may die during surgery, but I'll be knocked out and won't realize it. Oh hey, I may die of cancer, but at least if I die, I won't have to endure chemo.

See, it's just a process of realizing the worst thing that can happen and then trying to look on  the bright side of it. It gives you a way to move forward, something positive ahead of you, even if it's a kind of twisted positive. It helps though, at least, it helps me. Having that small positive thing can be enough to keep me from screaming, enough to help me focus on trying to find solutions. It is one of the better coping skills I have.

Blissful and Boring

Blah. Today was kind of slow and boring, but that's perfectly fine with me. I needed a nice boring day. Sometimes nonboring days can just really rip into my psyche. I think we should celebrate the quiet days. They do a lot to heal us.

Next week should be pretty busy for me though. Lots of appoints will be happening. This is another reason why a nice, quiet weekend is needed. This won't be a long post. I've been trying to write it for about half an hour now and nothing is coming. I think my focus is pretty gone tonight. Sleep well.

Accepting the Special

I was following a thread on one of the Song of Ice and Fire forums about people who can ride dragons. This one poster seemed to be very forceful in the idea that it wasn't only Targaryens (Dany's family) who could be dragonriders. Even though others kept explaining, logically, why they were, it just wasn't sitting with this person. Finally, the poster made a statement that came down to 'I just can't stomach the idea that the Targaryens get to be the special snowflakes who are the only people who ride dragons.'

This isn't a perspective I used to see, but in recent years, it is happening more often. Readers are offended at the idea of certain people in fantasy books being special. I don't get it. Do they not understand the genre? In fantasy, one of the major tropes is the idea of the Chosen One. Mind you, this concept can be found in many genres, but in fantasy, it's pretty common. And I don't mean trope in a bad way here. For something to exist as a genre, certain expectations are made.

Seriously, though, why is this a problem? It's like being angry that "Superman gets all those powers and he gets to be the last son of Krypton." "How come Santa Claus gets to deliver the gifts?" "Why did JESUS get to be the son of god? Can't that be anyone? Why was just one person chosen?"

Not to sound like an crotchety old person, but I see this mentality more in younger people. I think maybe the 'give everyone the trophy' thing may have done some more damage than we thought. And yes, everyone gets to be special, but in their OWN way. Some people get to ride dragons, others get to make the cool designs in coffee foam. Is one going to get you more glory than the other? Well, yes, of course it will. That's just how life is. We should all be treated equally, but that doesn't mean we're all going to live equal lives.

You can spend your whole life being angry about that and let the bitterness consume you to the point that you hate 'the beautiful people' or 'the rich people' or 'that family who can ride dragons'  . . . or you can be happy with what makes you awesome, and enjoy books and all the other stuff along the way. After all, every set of gifts comes with its own problems. Buffy may have been the chosen vampire slayer, but it means she has to deal with undead people all the time.

Growing Strong

A year ago today, I was still very weak. I was so weak I dreaded trying to face a shower. I was so weak I had to lay down to blowdry my hair. I was so weak I could only exercise by moving my wrists and ankles 40 times. Even doing that was enough to exhaust me. I was living with a kind of fatigue that humbled me in ways nothing else ever had.

Today, I had to go deal with something in Fort Smith. I woke up at five and drove myself there. I stayed for hours and didn't come home until around five that evening. Even after all of that, I still took my part of the trash out to the curb. I won't say it was easy. I didn't do today without any kind of strain. I am really tired, but I am not exhausted. I understand exhaustion now. I understand weakness.

I'm not healthy. I'm not someone who can handle the normal stuff. Not at this time, anyway. However, I am more healthy than I was this time last year. I'm more strong, more confident, and more brave. Interestingly, I'm not sure I would be those things had I not gone through what I went through last year. And I certainly didn't have the understanding of fatigue that I now have.

The Distant Past

There are many things on the internet that have improved over the years. This is an obvious statement, of course.  However, I have to admit, there are things I miss about late 90s/early 2000s net. There were aspects of it that had a certain charm about them, and,  in many ways, added to a more interactive internet experience.

There used to be a 'make your own website' place called Homestead. Homestead, while it was still free, would assign you a web address and then give you various tools to make your site look good. Which, okay, most of them didn't. Most of them, but today's standards, looked pretty crappy. However, as we didn't know any better, we were fine with them.   People would set up sites for parodies of fictional characters, with updates every week over the ongoing adventures of said characters. And yes, people still do that now, but usually on more sophisticated (and therefore, more limited) formats.

Eventually, Homestead removed their free aspect and watched as people abandoned it. As much as everyone loved it, there was no way they were going to pay money to manage a website about an anime character. With the loss of Homestead, people looked for other places to keep their communities alive. Some people went to the Groups aspects of the various places like Vista or Yahoo. Others, usually teenagers and 20 somethings, turned to Livejournal.

Now Livejournal was more structured than other sites had been,  It was, well, a journal format, although one could add pictures and links as well.  This, however, required a bit of coding knowhow.  Not a lot, but at least enough to be able to insert a link.  The fancy set of buttons that Blogger has is pretty advanced compared to LJ, although the format is pretty close to the same.

At its peek, LJ was amazing. You could find anything on there, from newsletters to diaries to communities dedicated to just about everything.  We used to have LJ accounts for our roleplaying characters and would entertain ourselves by letting them fight with each other in comments. There was a music community I was very active in. Every week,  there would be a theme. You posted songs that fit that theme, the more beloved and obscure, the better. I found SO MUCH new music from that community.  I used to be on LJ everyday.

Until, you know, one day, I just wasn't anymore. One day, I forgot to check it. One day, my friends said they hadn't posted in a while. And then, it was over. At the time, I really didn't regret it too much. After all, everyone was leaving the building, so to speak. Facebook was becoming the far better option. It was easier to work with . . . of course, it's also far less individual. And eventually, all the communities faded.

I suppose that is the nature of things. On the internet, kingdoms rise and kingdoms fall. Still, we can mourn for the old kingdoms and remember their days of glory.

Chilly Monday

It cooled down again. I'm not really that happy about it. I'd rather have a nice, mild end of winter, but I understand why that may not happen. Still, we've made it this far without anything major happening, so I count myself fortunate.

I've been making my way through The World of Ice and Fire. I have a lot of thoughts on it, but they may have to wait until later. Though, I will say this. Even if you're doing a side work, it's never a good idea to include mysterious details that have NOTHING to do with the main story. It's just sloppy. If you're going to put something cool in there, follow it up with plot.

Anyway, I hope the rest of the week is slightly warmer. If not, at least I have cats to cuddle with.

The Culture of Fandom

Today is Superbowl Sunday and it's one of the biggest days of fandom in the nation. Even people who don't like football in general, often celebrate on this day. They have parties, they eat lots of food, they drink, they play beer pong, they gamble. They may or may not actually watch the game, though often it is on. Some people just watch it for the commercials.

As you will notice, however, while the game is the center of the fandom, the fandom itself far outreaches the game. People who don't get two shits about football still enjoy Superbowl Sunday. They like the parties, the company, the food, the drinking. They get excited about the idea of it, but not because of the sports aspect.

Now, if the Superbowl were a religious thing (which I guess for some people, it is), the fact that the fandom is bigger than the game would offend people. There would be memes all over Facebook like "Keep Football in the Superbowl!" Eventually, it may even get to that, but not yet.

It shouldn't though, because one of the things about fandom is that they make the core element of the fandom thrive. Even if someone isn't watching the game or caring about it, they still have it on. This means that the ratings will still be high. It means that people will continue to be excited about it and it will continue to be a big deal in our culture.

Even though it IS Superbowl Sunday, that isn't what inspired this post. The inspiration came from a thread I was reading on the Sims 4 forums. The discussion was about the fact that the newest game pack would only be available for digital download. Some people were upset about this because they want a physical copy of anything they purchase (something I happen to agree with), but other people were upset for reasons of cultural ritual.

Since Sims fandom started growing, it's been custom for a lot of people to take pics of themselves with their new games. A simple selfie of them smiling and holding the latest addition. For many people, this was a fun part of the whole Sims experience. Often the excitement of getting the game and being part of the large portion of gamers who posed with their box was even better than whatever the game was itself. The important things were the ritual, the feeling of community, and the ongoing participation in both.

If everything is going to download though, that part of the fandom will die out. EA may not really care, but they should. As I said before, fandom is the driving force of the core element. When you start seeing aspects of the fandom die, it puts the core element at risk for dying as well. When fandom is strong, even something that is already discontinued can still make money and thrive due to interest in it.

Of course, I somewhat doubt we will ever see Superbowl Sunday die in our culture. I could be wrong about that, but I don't think I am. However, next time you hear someone talking about how excited they are about it and how many chicken wings they plan on eating, don't get upset because you know they really hate football. Be happy that they want to help keep the fandom going. All fans benefit from that.