The Year of Savoring Beauty

The new year is here. We stayed home, ate pizza, and listened to music. After that, we watched British people baking. We ushered in the year with shots of liquor and chocolate. That was awesome.

Aside from my birthday goals, I think the main thing I want to focus on is the beauty of aging. Not just mine, but everyone's. Everything's. I want to enjoy the patina. I want to love flaking paint. I want to savor the scars that stand as proof of our survival. I want to love the dusty corners and the waterstained edges. After all, history is so much more interesting than newness.

As I've mentioned before, there are two paths to finding beauty. One is to admire how close something can come to a template or a standard. It is loving the symmetry of a face or the definition of a well-toned body.  There is an art to attempting to reach this standard and I do admire that art.

There is also beauty to be found in the ways that things (and people) drift away from that conforming standard, the ways in which they are uniquely themselves. It's why I always like to watch my scars change, look at how freckles and stretch marks alter my skin. It's the lines that create our fingerprints, the patterns of hair that cover us, the crookedness of toes or teeth or smiles. These are the things I want to watch this year. These are the things I want to savor.

Happy 2017. May the year bring you joy, security, happiness, and laughter.

Sinus Nasties

The sinus infection has reached that point where I've blown my nose so many times the skin is rubbing off. It constantly hurts now and it's constantly wet now. Uggh.

The year is almost over. This year has been stressful and bad, but I'm still not ready to let it go. The first of the year always scares me. I had two years' in a row where really, really bad things happened and now I'm kind of traumatized by the whole new year thing. Hopefully this year won't be bad, but I'm not making predictions.

Right now, I just want to get well.

Postcards from the Edge

Debbie Reynolds died the day after her daughter did.  She and Carrie had always had a complicated relationship. Publically complicated. Carrie wrote a book about it. They fought. They caused scenes. Carrie's dad had left them for Elizabeth Taylor. There were a lot of layers.

It was said that when Debbie died, her last words were that she wanted to be with her daughter. That really got to me. The connection between a mother and her oldest child is so intense. It isn't that other kids aren't loved, but that first one defines you as a mother. To lose that kid before you die.....I know that crushed her.

That kind of connection still defines me every day. I was my mother's first child. Even if I wasn't a child she loved or a child she wanted, I was still the one who brought motherhood to her life. Since I heard about Debbie's death, I've thought about that a lot and about the other first children I know. I thought about Sinead and how complicated her relationship is with her oldest son, which is sad considering the number of sons she has about how much she loves him.

I think I may be in grieving mode for a while.

Uprooted

I just wrote about George Michael last night and now Richard Adams and Carrie Fisher have passed as well. This has been a rough year for that kind of thing.

Fisher was probably my first hero. She was so strong as Princess Leia. She didn't let the idiot boys rescue her. She chose the one she wanted. She stood her ground. Later, she faced things in a public way that most people wouldn't talk about at that time. Drug use. Mental illness. Doubt. She never shied away from being HER.

Richard Adams destroyed me as a child. I watched Watership Down WAY too young. On some level, I was convinced that movie was just about suffering and bunnies getting their throats ripped open. He also wrote Maia, a book that I read while way too young. I learned all kinds of weird things about sex from that one.

As I get older, one of the things that really gets to me is how uprooted you can feel when people who shaped the culture of your childhood pass away. I will miss them both.

The Day After

My roommate and I are both trying to get sick. We don't want to get sick, but our bodies are doing their best to make us that way. My throat and ears are killing me. I'm sure it's a combo of the warm weather and general exhaustion.

I'm going to miss seeing my Christmas cards when we take them down. I've really enjoyed them this year.  We got a lot of beautiful ones. Our minimal decorations have always been a favorite aspect of the holidays for me, but I have to admit I enjoy how the cards add to it.

George Michael died and that is weird and sad. I was never a huge fan of his music, though one just admit the pop success of his solo work did a lot to shape the 80s. The man had a killer voice

Moreover, I admire his bravery. Michael was a victim of the kind of 'hee hee, he's GAY' witch hunts that happened during the later part of the 80s and into the 90s. Like so many other people, he had to pretend to be straight when he most certainly was not. When he finally came out on his own terms, it was a relief and a triumph.You have to wonder what he could have accomplished if he lived in a more open society the whole of his life.

Rest in Peace, George, you beautiful person.

Christmas Lessons

So what did I learn this holiday season?

I learned that I'm not allergic to Ulta makeup! This is major. Every other eye makeup in the world makes my eyes water. This didn't!

I learned that hair chalk is fun . . . but you shouldn't do it too close to your face.

I learned it's very hard to open a gift with oven mitts on. This was a game we played at holiday time with my dad's family.

On that note, I also realized we all get along better when we have more structure and activities.

Don't buy things in advance because plans can always change.

Too many activities can be really exhausting.

Traditions are awesome. My roommate and I go to see a movie on Christmas Day. We did that today. The movie was good and the company was grand.

If you don't like something served at a party, bring your own.

All I Want for Christmas is Rest

Another family gathering has come and gone. No one got arrested. I know I say that in jest, but with my family, there is always an element of seriousness to it. Dinner was good. I got a lamp from the Dirty Santa game. Overall, it was a good night.

Tomorrow my roommate and I will go to see a movie. Past that, my holiday stuff is finished until New Year's Day. I am so happy about that because I am tired. I'm not trying to be a Scrooge here, but I'm seriously tired.

I plan on resting as much this week as I can. I need it. I SERIOUSLY need it. I need to sleep and sleep and sleep some more. This is what I want Santa to bring me. Naps.

43

Today is my birthday. Does everyone get really emotional on their birthday or is it just me? Anyway, there are certain things I want to do with 43.

1. I would like to read more. I used to read so many books and now, that just doesn't happen like it used to. I want to start reading more. There are tons of books I really, really want to read (or reread) and I keep putting it off. I want this year to be a year full of books.

2. I want to continue to rehab my body. I want to get stronger and have better balance. Most of all, I want to be in less pain. The best way to get out of pain is to work on healing my body with rehab stuff.

3. I want to make beautiful things. I want to continuously work on something and have a lot of finished products by this time next year.

4. I want to experience beautiful things. A few days ago, a friend of mine and I were at the park. I watched the sunset on the lake and it was truly glorious. I want to take note of the beauty that happens around me.

5. I want to learn some new skills. The internet can be an amazing teaching tool. I want to learn new things about my chosen crafts in  the coming year.

6. I want to watch at least one concert a week. I love live music, but due to mobility issues and lack of funds, I really can't go to concerts. However, NPR has a whole series of live shows on their Youtube station. I want to watch at least one concert every week.

There are other things as well, but I'm thinking if I can accomplish these, those things may fall into place. We'll see how it goes.

Cards on the Wall

I think my arm scar may be doing a little more healing. It's been a very, very slow process with that scar, but occasionally, I'll notice a slight bit more of it has flattened out. It's always nice when that happens.

Today was a good day. I saw a dear friend I'd not seen in months and months. We stay caught up on social media, but it was good to see her in person again. It really made my day! Plus, she gave my roommate and I cards to add to the small but fun collection of 2016 holiday cards. I always enjoy how they look on the mantle. Eventually, I'd like to do some kind of display with them.

My grandmother used to put her cards in the kitchen. She would place them on the wall railing. I always loved this because it added so much color to the usual yellow of the walls. We can't do that because we have too much stuff along the wall already . . . and a lot of it heats up.

It's a memory about my grandmother that I will always cherish. She could be so dour about so many things, but when she added color or beauty to something, it always caught my attention. I'm thankful she gave that memory to me.

The Nature of Cats

The cats have a good gig going on here. We keep them warm. We feed and water them.  Every day they get access to a clean litter box. They would receive affection if any of them wanted it (most of the time, they do not).

This has to be the only reason they stay. It certainly can't be because they enjoy the company. My roommate dances with them. We gossip about them and the outside cats. They also seem to have some issues with me on a personal level. Mostly because they have so much more dignity than I do.

They prance with some level of grace. I plod through the house like a drunken Frankenstein's monster. Most of the time, their noises are adorable and beautiful. I sing songs to them, about them, bastardized from the melodies of other songs. They go to great lengths to make themselves look lovely as they lounge for their naps. I sit on my chair and look like that goblin king from the first Hobbit movie.

They also handle their nakedness better than I do. The cats are naked all the time and perfectly fine with that fact. It is their natural state, after all, and no reason for them to display any kind of silliness. Me? Well, today I walked into the living room before I put my shirt on. All the cats looked at me. I grinned and began to shake my boobs at them. Were it not for my roommate being in his bedroom, I would have shouted, "Look, kittens! Mama's got her titties out! Woo! WOO! WOO!"

I really did want to do that. Yes, I am about to turn 43.

Cold Sunday

It was freezing again today and we had ice/snow on the ground. I'm hoping that crap melts soon. I really don't need nature encouraging me to fall. I'm good enough at that on my own.

It's supposed to warm up over the next couple of days, so perhaps I'll be safe. We only have a few more days until my birthday. I'm hoping I have some emotional stuff sorted out by then. I feel like I've been spinning my wheels on some issues and I need to start really focusing on them, especially considering they're fun things that I WANT to do.

Right now though, it's just so cold.

4

The last few years, I've been kind of disappointed in December because it didn't really get that cold. This year, that isn't going to be a problem. It feels like it's four degrees outside and is technically only ten degrees warmer than that.  We're having to use both stoves and keep all the water dripping. Actually, in the bathroom, it's more like a stream.

So everything is cold and I'm cold. I still managed to walk today, but it was not a fun experience. We're about a week away from my birthday. Hopefully things will go smoothly.

Pacifiers

Around this time two years' ago was the trip to Tulsa where I had a panic attack so extreme that I broke out in hives. The hives basically lasted through the rest of the holiday season and they were not fun. That panic attack was one of the lingering ones where I still have vivid memories due to how awful it was.

Since then, I've learned to try and shore myself up for such ordeals. For one thing, my doctor gave me a med to take in case of panic. It's pretty extreme, so I avoid it at all costs. It basically puts me into Drowsy Mode for hours. I keep one of the pills with me when I to the Tulsa doctor, just as an insurance measure.

What I try to rely on above that is using techniques to quiet my mind and emotions. I keep some soft material with me to rub against my fingers. It allows me to focus on the comforting sensation of the material, which helps to reduce my nervousness.

A new technique I learned from the show Bull was to count numbers out of order. The mind doesn't like to do this, so it will slow down to try and sort out what is happening. I'll also recite the alphabet backward. I know some people are really good at this, but I always have to think about it. Again, it pulls my thoughts away from the anxiety into a more ordered and rational place.

It's difficult for people to change habits or behaviors, but I think brain chemistry is very helpful in cases where this does succeed. I think it's one of the reasons why it's always easier for me to exercise if I'm annoyed with something. Hah!

Various Thoughts on Sims

I think the population levels have really improved. Each new town always added SOME new Sims, but the latest version has really added a lot. It makes the whole thing feel far more real.

Until just last week, I never realized you could alter the size of people's feet. You can! Now everyone is going to have massive feet in my game.

I also did not realize until last week that you can kill children. One sim made a nasty batch of pufferfish. Several people ate from it, including one kid. All of them died (except for the father) including the kid. I've yet to see her ghost wandering around.

I really kind of hate friendly neighbors who show up all the time and want attention. My sims need to skill, you bastards. They don't want to talk to you.

Of all the places sims can go, mine end up at the gym the most often. Maybe because this keeps all the other sims in good shape too.

Windenburg continues to be the most beautiful place.

Battling the Gray

Today was gray and depressing. I'm not sure the sun ever really got past the clouds for more than just a few minutes. The grayness made it feel colder than it was and it left my mood in the shambles.

To combat this, my roommate and I have been binge-watching the last season of The Great British Bakeoff.  It's very relaxing to watch people compete just to see if they can accomplish the task as opposed to competing to win money. On GBBO, you only win a plate and a title.

For me, it's also very satisfying to watch people create things that turn out well. Some of the recipes they do are very complicated. The look of pleasure they have when they accomplish their tasks is just glorious. I love that kind of thing.

Unexpected Disruption

Therapy didn't happen again today. It's been several weeks now. Some of that has been my fault, some of it hasn't. Next week will be a miss too because I have something else I have to do that day. It's looking like I won't have therapy again until the first of the year.

Other than that, it was a kind of strange day. It was overcast and kind of chilly, but then again, I walked in shorts and didn't get cold. It was actually colder in the house than outside. I sat with blankets on me all day, but, again, with shorts on underneath.

I was in less pain today than I have been in a while. That was very nice. My roommate and I talked about how some of my pain is due to injuries (one from when I was a kid, one from when I was in college) that weren't really handled well at the time. Things healed back incorrectly. It's something I've learned to live with, but it still isn't fun.

I'm trying my best to stay positive. This isn't easy. As you know, I always feel a deep sense of dread this time of year. Is it birthday related? Possibly. Hopefully things will proceed with a nice lack of drama.

Good Weekend

I have to go to Fort Smith tomorrow and I'm feeling so much better than I did the last time. I may not feel that great in the morning, but at least for right now, I'm doing okay.

That isn't to say I'm completely out of pain. I'm not. I'm always in pain. It just isn't as bad as it could be. One day, hopefully, that will change. I look forward to that day.

My roommate bought some dehydrated okra, which is way more delicious than it has any right to be. Things were quiet and I made progress on my gifts. I think this counts as a good weekend.

A Good Day

I made some progress today. I finished a portion of one of the projects I'm working on and managed to do my rehab for the third day in a row. I also folded our six billion towels. I'm kind of achy now, but it's okay. I know I did Things. It's a good ache.

My plans for the week are to finish the project and then start getting prepared for the Christmas stuff. The year is almost over. Wow.

The Good Things

So this is the last month of a weird year. This year has brought a lot of pain and misery to people, down to the fact that all the December holidays are falling on the weekend. Uggh.

However, in the spirit of trying to be a little positive here, I'm going to list the things I have gained this year, even if some of them came at a cost.

• I have a new fridge! I couldn't afford it and I certainly didn't want to replace it, but hey! Here we are! It was a bitch to get it delivered and into the house. It was a bitch to get the ice maker to work. And yes, I know I'm still complaining. I'll stop. New fridge!
• I have new gas pipes. Again, didn't plan  that, but here they are. No one died in the gas leak and the new pipes should last a long while. Yay.
• I have a different car. No complaining here at all. I love Blair. She's the best.
• I have a new ottoman and it has storage! That means there are more places for me to put yarn.
• I learned some new knitting techniques. I won't say I mastered them yet, but I learned them and actually enjoy doing them and feel confident about them.
• I don't have to go to the cancer doctor for a whole year! There is no end to how happy that makes me. 
• We will be ending the year with all the cats and all the humans alive. Something to always be celebrated. 

On a more pessimistic note, I really hope I don't look back at this post in two weeks and think about what a fool I was.

Rehab

There was less pain today. It wasn't a significant drop in pain, but enough of one to where I could fairly well function. I'm taking some steps to help curb the pain. The steps aren't fun, but rehab never really is. Still, I had success when I rehabbed my elbow.

I'm really pleased with the work on my elbow, actually. It sometimes still gives me a bit of pain, but after a few days of doing the routines again, it goes back to being okay. In fact, I had to work on it after Thanksgiving because my cousin insisted on sitting right next to me on a narrow loveseat and I had to keep my arm really stiff so we both had room. By the time she left, I was already starting to feel the pain. I managed to handle it though.

Still, it was a good reminder that even though the elbow is better, it isn't in the same condition it used to be in. Such is getting old while clumsy.

Pain and Fortune

I didn't post yesterday because I was in too much pain. My back decided it had to protest being part of my life. To be quite honest, I was just about to agree it could move away. Things were painful for hours and hours.

It wasn't the worst pain I've ever been in, but it certainly wasn't pleasant. The sciatica is more painful, but at least it numbs after a while. This was a tenseness and I know it was due to all the stuff that happened the day before. It's just hard to relax my body when it wants to protest like that.

Even still, I pushed through and did the stuff I needed to do. As a reward, I came home to discover one of my cousins sent me a little cake of cashmere yarn. I've never owned such fanciness. Hee!

Health Progress

As much as I was dreading today, it turned out to be good. My bff and I had a good time with the activities outside of the appointment, and the appointment itself was awesome. I have a new doctor and he is excellent. He shook my hand. He looked me in the eyes. He spoke to me at length about my situation and answered the questions I had.

Best part? I no longer have to go every six months! I have been upgraded to a once a year person! I can't even begin to explain to you the level of relief this gave to me. I could have cried. It was so nice to see a bit of progress in terms of the backside of this surgery. It was a glorious feeling. I have a feeling I will sleep quite well tonight.

Speaking of sleep, last night I dreamed my mom's first house never burned. It had just been abandoned due to neglect. I dreamed I went back there and found all kinds of neat stuff she'd left for me. It was an oddly comforting dream.

Sunday Night

I think my main consolation right now is the idea that 24 hours from now, the doctor's appointment will be over with. I won't have to deal with another one for a while and the tension can melt away. I really wish I could get away from these appointments being in December. I have enough going on without adding this to it. Probably no way I can get around that one.

At least I'll be able to sleep. I'm already tired. Sometimes I have a lot of trouble sleeping before these appointments. Hopefully this won't be one of those times.

Anyway, that's all for now. Wish me luck.

More Dread

Day after tomorrow, I have to go to Tulsa Cancer Center again for another follow up appointment. I don't want to go. I never want to go. I just want to stay home and assume the cancer is still in remission and everything is okay. In fact, I'm pretty sure that will be the case. It isn't even what I'm worried about.

I just don't want to be naked in front of people. I don't want them touching me. I really truly hate that.

In fact, it occurred to me the other day that as an adult, I've done just about as much as one person can do in order to make themselves not appealing sexually or romantically. This didn't depress me. It amused me and made me feel safe.

And yes, that bespeaks to a lot of underlying issues. But I'm not in therapy for nothing.

The Trouble with Tribalism

Someone on my Facebook list posted this rant about how wrong the Catholic Church was for giving aid and comfort to Islamic refugees. They said that any acts of terrorism past this point would put 'blood on the hands' of that church. The comments were worse. People speculated about how this was all just some money scam by the church. Why would they help the Islamic ones instead of insisting on helping the Christians in that area?

Some Catholics, who seemed pretty baffled by all this vitriol, tried to explain to the others that they were being pretty hateful. They were shouted down. One of them commented that they were used to seeing anti-religion stuff from the Left, but to see it from the Right was new. They were told they needed to get an education and understand what their church was REALLY doing. You know, based on the fearmongering articles the others were using.

I'm no Catholic, but it seems very clear to me why the church would do this. And it isn't about gaining money or whatever else crazy reasons the people in the comments section were coming up with. They were doing this because it's the basic mission of the church.

You know, the one where Christians are supposed to reach out to those in need? Show the love of Christ? Minister to the lost and hurting? Yeah. That mission. I seriously doubt the church was refusing to take in other Christians. However, if they had limited resources they might not make them a priority. At the end of the day, the church is supposed to focus on the spiritual health of those around them and the Christians were in better shape than the others. They already know Christ. They will have him to sustain them through their trials.

Is it possible that one of the people who is helped will become a terrorist? Yes. Is it more possible that some of these people will begin a path toward a relationship with Jesus if they see his love manifesting in his followers? Yeah, I would say so.

The Right is trying to balance this idea of extreme tribalism with Christianity and those two just don't mesh, no more than Christianity and Ayn Rand mesh. Again, this isn't really my playing field, but for the people on it, they need to consider what their true priorities are going to be.

It Will be December Again

We have arrived at the last month of the year again. This month is going to be very busy for me, busier than I'm used to. In a way,  this is good because a lot of it should be fun stuff. Still, when you have a limited amount of spoons, even the fun things can start to stress you out.

I was reading my blog from last year and remembered I was really depressed around this time. I'm not depressed right now. I'm anxious and I'm in some pain, but I'm not really depressed. This is probably because I'm staying busy and not really allowing my mind to go to the dark places.

I hope this month is good. I hope I have strength to handle all the things. I hope I have fun and I hope I make memories. Real ones. Not those weird fake memories.  I wish the same for everyone else as well.

False Recollections

I have vivid and fond memories of having dinner with a certain friend at Olive Garden. I remember him teasing me for the drink I got and us laughing about the dessert options.  I have another equally vivid memory of being in my apartment in college and a different friend and I discussing a professor who was fired.

Here's the thing. I know, for certain, neither of these events EVER happened. I've never been to Olive Garden with the first friend. The second friend was never in my apartment. These memories, both quite detailed and linked to emotions, are false.

I know that most of these events did occur, but in the first case, all of them were with different people. In the second case, that conversation did happen, but not in that apartment. I really don't know why these memories are all jumbled together, but they are.

While this last season of Drag Race was on, I watched Katya's recaps of the episodes. She talked about how memory is really tricky because there are a lot of things we remember that may or may not happened, but there is no way to even prove them because all record of it is gone. In one episode, she mentioned that she clearly remembered having a fist fight with a neighbor boy when she was a kid, but knows for certain that this never really happened. The memory is there, but there is no truth to it.

This kind of thing drives me crazy. After all, these aren't memories implanted by aliens or evil therapists. They're memories I came up with all on my own. These are memories I would think about on occasion and just go on with my day . . . until it occurred to me that facts did not line up with either memory.

Our brains do such spooky things.

Scares

I had a scare today. We drove Blair to Tulsa and the Check Engine Soon light came on. I looked it up in the handbook and found it that light specifically deals with Emissions. The book said that sometimes it will come on if the gas cap is loose or if the undercarriage of the car is wet.

I had my roommate check the gas cap. It was on fine. (Note, the first time I typed this, I put it was 'on fire' which of course would have explained the Check Engine Soon). Anyway, it had been raining all morning so we went with the hope that this was the cause and not something more serious.

By the time we were leaving Tulsa, the light was off. So I don't know. Maybe it was just a water issue. Hopefully. I really don't have the funds to get the car fixed.

Other than that, trip to Tulsa was okay.

Depression Heir

My oldest and favorite hoodie has been worn to the point that most of the sleeves were too damaged to repair. They'd been repaired, several times now, but the damage was just too extensive and the material too thinned out.

Most people would probably throw the ratty old thing away. I cut the sleeves off above the damaged areas and declared it my new punk hoodie. I wasn't going to toss it. There is still too much use in it.

See, this is the thing about being raised by Depression Era grandparents. I'm not a hoarder. I will get rid of things. I just hate to get do so before all the usefulness is gone. In fact, I had to force myself to throw away the screwed up sleeves. The less damaged one is still sitting on my desk, because I know I can use it for a head cover.

My grandfather always kept rubber bands around. It used to annoy me, but I'll be damned if I don't do the same thing now. I'm using some as the stoppers on the ends of my knitting needles. They work far better than any of the stoppers you can buy. Sure they break sometimes, but that's fine because it's just a rubber band.

As much as I sometimes think they didn't have much influence on me, I know that one of the reasons I can live poor with moderate success is that I watched how they lived and kept things around. I find myself doing the same things now and I'm quite thankful to them for that. And yes, it makes me incapable of tossing away pieces of old, but still useful material, but as long as I'm not drowning in it, then I think I'm okay.

Bleak Friday

We actually did have to go shopping today, but it was hours and hours after Black Friday. Even still, I advised my roommate not to let anyone kill him. He survived but didn't get much of anything. The shoppers had picked the store down to the bones.

Once we got home, we ate leftovers. For the next couple of days, I believe we'll stay as low key as possible because we have a trip to Tulsa on Monday.  The rest of the week is going to be busy too, with both responsible and festive things going on. I have to go to Tulsa the following week. December is always busy for me.

This year has been so super stressful. It started out good. I had plans and some ideas of things I wanted to accomplish. Then stuff started falling apart and by the end of it, even the things I felt were secure have started to erode. I'm not leaving this year hopeful. I'm leaving it with a feeling of dread, a sense of loss. and a growing numbness. Most of the time, I really don't have anything to look forward to.

There are situations and conversations where I know and have known, that I'm never going to win. I believe, for my own self-preservation, it's time to start disengaging from these situations. I need to pull back, stop wasting my emotional energy, and just let whatever happens, happen. There are points when you just have to stop.

Thanksgiving 2016

The biscuits I took to my grandfather's house were a hit. Everyone liked them and they were all taken home with others. If anything, that is the sign of a successful contribution to a Thanksgiving meal.

I had a good time. I talked to people and made decent conversation. My family is good about leaving politics out of the holiday, so there was no awkwardness in that direction. Really, the only awkwardness was the fact that people hugged me. I'm not really a hugger.

This was the first time in many years I've gone to Thanksgiving by myself. And, of course, it was the first year I drove Blair. The Park Ave is really a joy for me to drive. I found the trip to be very pleasant and meditative.

Overall, I'd say this was a good Thanksgiving.

Day Before Thanksgiving

I finished my first round of the pattern. I'm happy I opted to do this. The pattern I picked is simple and easy to remember. This is helpful given that I'm me. I'm liking it even more since I've started my next row of plain knitting. The contrast is very nice.

Yesterday I was very productive. My hair is cut. The insurance is paid. The car has a new tag. I have a new license. The car has an oil change. I mean, okay, I really didn't do all the production part of that, but you know what I mean. I walked into places and drove around so that other people could accomplish these things for me.

I would have written about all of this last night but the power went out. We were without any electricity until around 1:30 this morning. I really hope that doesn't happen again tonight. It's finally started raining again, after many weeks of it being dry. We really needed the rain, but it's making my everything hurt.

Plans and Progress

I have no idea why I didn't blog last night. I planned to. It just didn't happen.  My plan on the poncho is working well. I'm actually enjoying what I'm doing with it. It's keeping my mind neatly occupied.

I have like a billion things to do tomorrow. I have therapy. I have to take Blair to get an oil change, a tag, and renew her insurance. I'm also going to try and fit in a haircut so I don't show up at Thanksgiving looking like some crazy woman who wandered down from a mountain. After all, only a few of those things are true.

Anyway, it will be a busy day. I hope it will also be a successful day. We'll see.

Levels of Complexity

I think maybe Trump winning will make me a better knitter. I'm trying so hard not to drink the poison or focus on all the negative political hoo-hah that I've decided to make my poncho more complex.  I taught myself a new technique and I'm working that along with the other elements.

The shawl is black (of course) so I'm not sure anyone will notice what I'm doing all that well. I honestly don't care. This added level of complexity is to help me stay sane.

That isn't to say I don't care. I certainly care a whole lot about what is happening. I just can't focus on it all the time. I don't think any of us can and keep our minds from just becoming awful. This is how people get radicalized.

With that in mind, I think it's best I just focus on making things. Being productive will save me  yet.

Serenity

I didn't finish what I wanted to finish, but I made some progress. By the time I finished my post last night, I was just too tired to deal with it for much longer. It will happen.

I got a thing to sit in the passenger's seat of Blair to hold drinks/other stuff. Blair's cupholder situation just wasn't working for me and nothing we put on the floor would stay. It will have to be moved when my roommate rides with me, but that is usually, at most, like twice a week.

As per usual, the answer to the problem was the Serenity Prayer. I had to accept what couldn't be changed and alter the parts that could be. It's almost always the answer for me. Trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result IS insanity, after all.

In the spirit of that, I am doing research on how to best wear a bob if you are a fat woman with thin hair.

Xmasstick

It's possible I may have  the collar portion of the poncho finished tonight. I'm not sure. It really depends on how committed I get to things in the next hour. As it stands, I'm happy with the progress.

I also did some research today on the things I want for Christmas. This is the reason for the title of my post. For some reason, when I'm typing fast, my fingers sometimes type out completely different words than what I intended. When I saved my list, I planned to call the file xmaslist, instead, and I have no idea why, my fingers typed xmasstick.

Stick.

I mean, that can't even qualify as my fingers being on the wrong keys. 'List' is nowhere near 'stick.' Stick is a longer word.

I actually do this all the time. On any given post, I'll type the wrong word three or four times. Not misspell. Not the usual typos. This will be completely different words. Words that really have no connection to what I'm trying to say.

I wonder how much of this has to do with the fact that my mom smoked PCP when she was pregnant with me. Come to think of it, that might also explain my issues with disassociation.

Poncho Plans

Some people have adapted the Ten Stitch blanket idea to other patterns. I decided to do one for a poncho. My roommate pointed out it may be too hot, so I'm going to add some detail....which basically just adds in holes to keep it lighter.

I've still not worked out which one. Love of pattern is always far greater than my ability to handle the pattern. Or so it seems. I should really try to push myself. After all, I did make skulls before. I could do something else, right? Maybe?

At least this will keep me occupied.

Fall Yarn Progress

I finished a hat today. It's one of the various projects I planned to do during Fall. It's part of my therapy. I plan to disengage from politics and other matters and just focus on making beautiful things.

This is less easy than I thought it would be. It's so amazing how people who spent the last 8 years complaining and fear-mongering are now annoyed that the Left are starting to do the same thing. Then again, I suppose that wasn't on their playbook.

Does the Right have a playbook? I sometimes wonder. I saw someone post a word for word rant about HRC that I'd seen on my page from someone. Given the amount of bizarre comments I received and the number received by the woman who wrote the article, I'm also wondering if part of the playbook is something like this:

1, Look for people saying things you might not agree with.
2. Don't actually read what they say because it might damage you.
3. Get defensive.
4. Copy and paste something from the Playbook that seems to fit.

Yup. After that kind of stuff, I'm just going to focus on making pretty things.

Bah

I didn't blog last night because I was too disheartened. I wrote a piece on Facebook that I honestly thought was bridge building and positive about the election. However, a lot of people who supported Trump began to make all these accusations at me because . . . well, either they can't read properly or they're just so wrapped up in their identity politics that they don't see an olive branch when it's extended to them.

I think what frustrates me the most is that there are people who give their opinions, political and otherwise, constantly. They bombard people with how they feel about things, what they believe to be correct, THEIR perspective. Their facebook pictures are political in nature. Their posts are all about politics or articles from people who reflect their perspectives. Always. Always Always.

And most people either agree with them or ignore their posts. They tolerate what they say. They maybe roll their eyes if they don't agree. If they post from some site that is too crazy, it gets blocked. For the most part, however, they go unchallenged, usually because everyone else doesn't have the time to devote to the poison.

However, let someone else post something, something they see as even somewhat threatening to them, and they are all over you. They read things into what you wrote. They go on rants about things that have nothing to DO with what you wrote. They get defensive. They get angry. It's like this never-ending pit of mud for them.

Anyway, I'm done. No more trying to talk to people or bridge divides for me. It's clearly not what people want.

Yarn Plans

Until we actually know how this whole election is going to play out and what it will mean for my life, I'm going to do my best to not think about it. I'm going to keep my hands and my mind occupied with other things. As much as possible, I want to make those productive things.

I think I found a poncho pattern I can do. It's super easy and makes sense to me. It's also a pattern that I can adjust to my needs. I mean, I don't NEED a poncho, but I'd like one. They have their uses. This one is so simple I can just add rows to the pattern to make it work for my body's size.

I'll start that once I'm finished with the current project (that I need to finish tomorrow). I have some nice yarn that I need to make some hats with. I have a big blanket to finish knitting, but that will come as it comes. I have to do a baby blanket, but that doesn't need to happen until February.

Wow

Trump won.

I'm seriously in shock. I'm disappointed and a little scared. Mostly, I'm just in shock.

Oh well. Hopefully this won't be really bad. Maybe things will be awesome.

Voting

I voted today. Very few people were there while I was, but I'm sure they'd been there earlier. The ladies at the table looked pretty tired. I don't know how this is going to turn out, but I will say it's a monumental election to vote in. I didn't even think about it until I was there. It was kind of incredible to see a woman's name on the ballot. Not for vice president, but for president.

I got really emotional about it. When I got back to my car, I sat there for a few and just kind of locked the memory into my mind. Wow. Herstory.

Between Scylla and Charybdis

I am as ready as I can be for the election tomorrow. I've read over my sample ballot and understand the state questions we'll be voting on. As far as what I can do here, I've done it.

Beyond that, I just don't know. I feel scared about this election. It has been full of people being downright horrible to each other. It's been full of mockery and threats and anger. As bad as things were with Obama, he was new on the scene. People have been building this hatred for HRC since the 1990s.

In some ways, I think people voted for Trump because they liked how he would lash out at the other GOP candidates and they relished the idea of him doing that to HRC. They wanted her to be insulted and debased. For people like this, it's never enough to just not vote for the woman who is seeking power. They want to punish her as much as possible.

Will she win? I don't know. I think so, but who really knows at this point. Do I believe women will be better off if she wins? In some ways, in the long run, yes. In the short term, it may make things scarier. There are a lot of people who have sacrificed their civility, almost their humanity, to their personal identity politics.

On the other hand, I don't want the people who are against HRC, some of whom want to take away the majority of my rights as a woman, to be the ones who are in charge. That's very frightening. If it's a question of braving the violence of their disenfranchisement or dealing with their regressive ideas, I'd rather sensible people be in charge.

I'll blog again tomorrow assuming all the things aren't on fire.

Crumbling Foundations

It's been a year to the day since I found out about the Marion Zimmer Bradley sex abuse situation. Off and on, during this year, I've thought about this quite a lot, with a mixture of emotions.  In fact, every time someone else's outing as someone who damages others comes to light, I return to the MZB thing and puzzle it over.

Have I made peace with it? No. Not at all. I'm not sure I will. It would be one thing if this was just an author I liked, but she was more than that to me. Her books were a source of comfort to me. They inspired a lot of my own want to write. They shaped my thoughts about what was possible in world building, in story scope, and in constructing a mythos of the places you see in your imagination.

To know that all the time I was finding comfort in her book someone else was being tormented by her hands . . . no, I can't find peace in that. And yes, I know, MZB owed me nothing. The comfort I found in her writing and her commentary was based on my own needs and sprang from my own imagination. That wasn't fair to her, but it's how it was.

One of the really shitty things about getting older is how all of your foundations keep crumbling. You lose family. You lose friends. You lose faith. You lose heroes. And no, none of this is what makes you YOU . . . but it's still a part of what helped to shape you.

No wonder everyone is chaotic now.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Today is my favorite holiday! Today is the mystical day when I get my damned hour back! This is the start of the all-too-brief time of year when I get to sleep an hour longer. Ahh, I love this. I don't care if it gets dark earlier. I don't like sunshine anyway. I like the darkness. And I really like sleeping in.

Tuesday is the election and I really hope nothing horrible happens. Whichever person wins, I just really hope no groups of people go crazy and cause problems because of it. We need peace and stability for a while. We really need that.

Filling the Ditch

So a week from now, for better or worse, we'll have a new president. People are going to be mad about it, no matter what happens. Do I have hopes about who will win? Of course I do. Everyone does. We'll see. Honestly, as much as the major election matters, the state issues and elections will decide more things for how my life is going than the national ones will.

I do hope that this is the last election where we start the process like two years before the election year. I feel like this election as been dragging on forever. We're all tired of it. We're all exhausted by it. This must be how elephants feel about pregnancy.

When all the smoke clears, however, we all still have to live with each other. We're still friends and families and coworkers. When the election is over, all of us still have choices to make. We can either see people around us as people with value, or we can reduce them to their political beliefs and continue to dig this ditch.

It would be nice, very nice, if we could stop the arguments.

Brush Day

The first day of November was good. We had to clean up all the brush from the yard (as I mentioned yesterday) but that turned out not to be so bad. As much as I've complained about the heat, it actually worked in our favor where the yard stuff was concerned. All the limbs were dried out, which made them far lighter and more easily moved. What usually takes quite a few rough hours spaced out over a few days took like, maybe an hour? It was awesome.

After we were finished with that, everything felt less awful. I'm still a little shellshocked over the drama of last month, but for now, I'm having a good evening.

Holloween

Halloween has come and gone. Yes, I know I spelled it wrong in the title line. I did that on purpose because it feels really hollow to me this year. Again, this is usually my favorite time of year, but not right now.

I was completely detached from this holiday. Nothing special at all. Just another day. No pumpkin. No candy. Nothing. I'd thought I'd have a Sims expansion to take the edge off, but that didn't work out either.

Instead, it was just the usual frustrations. Plus an ice maker that isn't working right. Plus fucking yard work on the yard I hate because it does nothing but cause stress and problems. This just isn't a good holiday for me. I'm sitting here crying as I write this.

Whatever, October. You sucked.

The Light at the End of the Suck Tunnel

Suctober is almost over! Here's hoping next month isn't Sucvember! This month felt like it lasted 200 days. On 196 of those days, I didn't have hot water. On the other 4, everything else was going wrong. I was snotridden on all of them. This month was awful. I'm shocked I survived.

Am I grateful for things? Oh certainly yes.

I am grateful the gas leak didn't kill me or mine.

I am grateful that it was (eventually) fixed.

I am grateful the new fridge was (eventually) installed.

I am grateful for Blair.

I am grateful my roommate and I didn't go insane during this.

I am grateful for the help and sympathy of others.

Most of all, I am grateful this month is almost over.

Seriously, November. Do not suck.

Questing for Better

I'm still somewhat sick. My roommate is sick. We're both really tired and the house/cats continue to task us. The internet was out for many hours. We had an extra errand today because of the bank. Shopping was difficult. The cats are reaching the stage of life where they make a lot of messes. I mean, more so than they usually do as cats.

This isn't random bitchery. Things are tough right now. I don't want to be someone who just lives in her misery. The problems need solutions and I need to come up with them.

We never have much money, but now even the small bit we have to work with is waning. There is yard work to be done that is basically beyond our capacity to do. I mean, it will get done. We have to do it, but it takes a toll. The house is a mess and neither of us feel like cleaning it.

Right now, it just all feels like too much. I need to come up with some solutions and the usual ones won't work. I need to find ways to make things better, because as I said a few nights ago, I need things to be better. The spoons are in short supply.

Understand,  this isn't a declaration of me throwing in the towel. This is a declaration of me realizing I need to get creative about how things can get handled. I don't know what that will be yet, but I'll figure out something.

Snazz

I called my sister-in-law today. She's been super busy with her job, the kids' activities, and going back to college. Because of that, we'd really not talked since all this upheaval happened in my life. To tell the whole 'new old car through fridge' story makes it sound really crazy. It was really crazy. That was way too much stuff to deal with in one month.

Speaking of the fridge, the new one is FINALLY in! It took the removal of doors and lots of shifting of things, but after a few hours, Delivery Dude managed to get it installed. It's by no means fancy, but it's far more snazzy than any fridge I've ever had before. I'm so happy with it.

This month is almost over. You know what I would like next month? NO SUCKING! That would be great, thanks.

Better

A cat shat on my bed.

Another cat peed on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night. I stepped in and almost slipped in said cat pee. The cats are old now and have trouble controlling themselves. I know this and I feel bad for them. It doesn't make it any less annoying when you're having to deal with it.

Despite this, there was some minor progress. The people called and said the ice maker had been installed. The fridge should be here tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath. The peach tree is cut down. That's good news.

I'm still sick. Beyond being sick, I'm just really emotionally spent. I'm tired of everything and I'm tired of Suctober. I'm tired of the election and I'm tired of everyone being shitty to each other over the election. I'm tired of horrible looks from people. I'm tired of it all.

I need better.

Still

Still sick.

Still no fridge.

Still no progress on  the dead peach tree.

Still Suctober.

Sick

I'm writing this early because I'm thinking it will be an early night for me. I'm really sick. I've been hacking and coughing all day and I can't seem to shake a fever. The whole mess is leaving me very exhausted and a little dizzy.

Meanwhile, we still don't have the new fridge. Ol Boy who was supposed to chop down the dead peach tree still hasn't chopped down  the dead peach tree. It's still not cool.

In other words, Suctober continues.

Big Lies

So they did this poll that showed if women weren't voting,  Trump would more than likely win. Instead of trying to consider ways their candidate could better appeal to women, some on the Trump side decreed this should be reason enough to repeal the 19th Amendment. Some of the people saying this were even women.

I see this a lot.  Well, not the repealing voting thing, but women who want to act like women shouldn't have rights and that Feminism is bad. I saw one little darling doing a video about how much she hates Feminism and, in the middle of it, had to remember that she has birth control  that keeps her from having a period every month because of Feminism.

I was thinking about all of this today while I was watching Big Eyes. The 1950s were a couple of decades after the 19th passed, but during this decade, a lot of the independence women had gained during the 40s disappeared. Women weren't taken seriously. It was assumed that a woman would have a husband and children. Women had to look and behave a certain way. They were to rely on men in all things and be quite careful about how they made their wishes known.

As much as the women who seem to hate Feminism now think  that they'd be all fine in a time period like this, most of them wouldn't. Many of the women who complain about the rest of us are just as opinionated, just as assertive, and just as forward. They are not demure, meek little things.

Back then, it didn't matter if you agreed with everything your husband or other men said. They didn't care. They didn't want to hear your opinion on it. Or on anything. Your job as a woman was to be as harmonious and agreeable as possible. You were less than a person. You were a very dutiful convenience.

That's a pretty horrible way to live.

Back to Grateful

I have been bitching and moaning for weeks now. Mind you, I had good reason for it, but still. Until the next fuckery comes along, I'm going to try and stop. so today is a post about things I'm happy about.

1. TAGLESS CLOTHES. Tags suck so hard. I hate them. As someone with back fat, the tags were always rolling out of the backs of my shirts to basically announce I had back fat. If they weren't doing that, they were scratching me. I'm so happy much of my clothing is tagless now.

2. DRIVING BLAIR in the DARK! Blair is fancier than other cars I've owned. Her lights come on when I turn on the engine. Better! They go off when I turn it off! No more fear about leaving my lights on.

3. LIN MANUEL MIRANDA exists. He exists in my lifetime and he is an amazing writer and composer. Apparently, the PBS show about him debuted with higher numbers than anything else on PBS in a long while.

4. THE ELECTION IS ALMOST OVER. Let's face it. We're all sick of that.

5. I HAVE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME. Best thing, really.

Bah

I still don't have a fridge. I'm really just so beyond over all of this. I'm not sure how much I can write about anything right now. I'll try to be more gracious about things later.

The Slap

We worked really hard to make sure all the food was out of Dying Fridge. We shoved things into the freezer and into the little fridge until nothing else would fit. My roommate had to down some salsa. I don't think he minded. We knew it wouldn't be long that we had to deal with this. The new fridge was supposed to show up  this afternoon. Expect it didn't, because, of course not.  Nothing this Suctober is that easy.

A year ago today, I blogged about poverty. Not my own, mind you, but poverty in general and how things that are annoying for affluent people can be devastating for poor people.  It's funny how a year ago I was writing about this and this year I'm living through it.

I've written a lot about the gas/fridge debacle and how rough it's being on me financially. I'm sure you've also gotten a sense of how this has been on me emotionally. You know, after getting the newer car, I had this sense things were looking up. I felt positive about my life. Moreover, and this is the kicker, I felt a bit of security.

Money isn't everything. This is a common saying. And I'm sure the person who said it was thinking of Scrooge McDuck wallowing in his gold coins . . . or something like that. Money may not be everything, but food, water, shelter, and a sense of security are pretty fundamental needs. Our level of money is tied quite closely to all of these.

Now that sense of security is gone. If something else major breaks, I really have no idea how it will be fixed. I honestly doubt it will be. We'll just have to do what we can to continue on without it. If it's something not necessary  like the TV, then that will be frustrating, but not difficult. If it's something like a piece of large plumbing . . . well, right now, I just have no idea what I'll do.

That concept of not knowing is a little terrifying. To keep myself sane, I'll do my best to not think about it. It's there . . . it's the slap in the dark. I know it's coming, I just have no idea when.

Sucktober

If you read this blog on a semi-frequent basis, you know that October is usually my favorite month. Nice cool weather without a threat of snow. Fun holiday activities without the pressure of seeing family members. In almost any given year, this month rocks for me.

But as we have all noticed, 2016 is not a normal year. It's a sucktastic year that is doing all that it can to be as awful and disheartening as possible. I mean, it still hasn't given me repeat cancer, but we still have a few months so I'm kind of preparing myself for that.

2016 has destroyed my happy October. Let's see. First, there was the gas leak and nine days without gas. This was expensive, in fact, we still haven't even gotten the bill for it, but I consoled myself with hoping that it wouldn't eat every last cent of my spare funds. But today, that hope died a horrible, nasty death because it really doesn't even matter anymore. Our fridge was making awful noises. Ol Boys who showed up to fix it proclaimed it beyond real repair. We had to purchase a new fridge.

I'm just . . . wow. Really? REALLY, 2016? Really? I'm totally over this year and completely over October. I'm going to go take a sulknap.

Complaints

It is so stupid hot right now. We have fans on, like, all of them, and I'm in shorts and a tank. This is not October weather. This is wrong. And it really makes me mad because I crocheted a cute hat for myself and now I can't even wear it. I have hats from last year I never got to wear. So annoying.

Needless to say, I'm not in the best of moods. I'm tired and rather strung out. The house keeps causing issue. I'm a little over this Fall and need that party on Saturday. Seriously.

Grey

Earlier today I found myself staring at a word and for a second, I couldn't find any kind of connection to it. No emotion. Then I realized I was looking at my own last name. I still didn't feel any connection to it. Nothing.

This is just one example of how disconnected I've been all day. I've been here, but not really HERE. My mind keeps trying to shut things down. I think it's the delayed stress and fear from the 9 days of no gas and no idea what was going to happen. The dread finally came home and, as usual, my brain is doing anything it can to keep me distanced from it.

I know this is a defensive technique, but it's disquieting. I don't feel like myself. I don't even really feel anything. I don't feel creative. I don't feel engaged. I just feel....I guess, grey. I feel grey and floating somewhere away from me. Hopefully this won't last too long.

Floppy Pipes

I slept so well last night. The gas thing is fixed. We have hot water. Even if it cost a lot of money and caused a lot of stress, it's over with and I can let the tension leave me. I didn't realize how much my sleeping was being affected by this, but I should have. I suppose I felt like I was getting better sleep because at least I wasn't breathing in gas.

The new gas pipes are floppy. They just kind of fall over and lay there. It's difficult to get used to and ruins the nice vintage look of the stuff we had before. Then again, the stuff we had before was leaking. so I really shouldn't complain.

This has been a weird month. New to me car. Almost killed by gas. New floppy pipes. Funny how your whole world can change.

Fixed

The gas is fixed. The day was long, stressful, and expensive. I'll spare you the details. Just know it was rough. I'd rather not go through that again. My stomach is in knots and probably will be for a few days.

At least I can take a hot shower.

Conviction

My best friend bought a karaoke machine. It's really great. Today we drank and experimented with it. At first, things weren't going so great. The instructions weren't written that well and we had a difficult time getting it to do what we wanted. But after a while, we really got into the mode of  it and put out some fairly entertaining things.

For me, I think the key to doing well with a song is having the conviction to sing it. Understanding the essence of what the song is really trying to convey is far more important than staying on key. Hell, most of my favorite songs aren't really sang on key anyway.

I needed this today. After all the Under the House Hell, I needed some time to just let loose and sing. It was very spiritually filling for me. I think maybe I can face this repair situation now. I mean, it's not like I have to do much, besides just sit around and wait. Still, it's grating on the nerves. In the meantime, I can look up songs to sing.

Now I Know

We got the quote on the repairs today. It's going to be between $2000.00 and $5000.00. This is overwhelming and a little terrifying. This is also officially one week now since we've had gas. They're not even going to start until Friday, and assuming they finish on Friday (which I am assuming they won't) we'll still be doing cold showers through the weekend. Maybe even into next week.

After that, no rest for the weary. It's time to trim the damned trees and bushes that I hate and never go near. I hate the yard. I never go out there. I receive no benefit from it. It just costs me money, time, and effort.

I'm so tired of this. Normally I can be pretty positive about stuff, but it's been dragging on. Plus, I breathed gas for weeks. Plus, everyone else is stressed about the situation. Plus, I'm really tired.

I kind of want to run away from my life.

Points

Sigh.

Okay.

1. Pointing out what other people do when Person A is accused of something does not make for a valid argument. It doesn't change what Person A did. It is a childish argument.

2. The fact that women bought 50 Shades of Grey does not excuse what Trump did. For one thing, most of the women on my friends list who liked that book are voting for Trump. Secondly, just because someone reads about a HOT rich man having consensual kinky sex with someone doesn't mean they want some fugly old bastard rich dude groping them in real life.

3. Kylie Jenner posting a selfie while in her panties also does not excuse what Trump did. I'm not even sure what the line of thinking is here. I suppose it's something like 'if women are going to look good and point that out to their advantage, I should get to touch them.' That is magical thinking, folks. No matter what someone is wearing, you should keep your hands to yourself. Also, any women who are snarking about Kylie . . . basically what you sound like you're saying is "I am so angry that she has a big butt AND a thigh gap it's not fair." You sound hellyjelly. Stop it.

4. For all of you who are totally fine with what Trump did, I hope the scariest, most loathsome, most filthy, most vile man walks up to you. I hope that when you see him,  you know that his guns, his truck, his dogs, and his cock are all bigger than yours. I hope he pushes you against the wall, grabs your crotch, and kisses you hard. Normally, I would never wish this on anyone, but maybe, just maybe, as his hand is fishing for the goods and his tongue is wiggling around in your mouth, you'll finally grasp that you don't like this, that no one would like this, and that consent IS a needed thing.

Evil Cold Water

We've more or less learned to adapt to microwaving water before we wash dishes. We've always been good at cooking things that don't require the stove. Summer is so hot that using the big oven is often impossible. It can heat the whole house.

What is difficult to get used to is the cold shower. When summer is being intolerable, I'll take showers with no hot water, but that isn't exactly the same thing. When the temp is in the l00s, absence of hot does not equal cold. Those showers are usually a tolerable lukewarm to, if I'm lucky, a relieving 'kind of cool and refreshing.' As muggy as the bathroom stays and as hot as the pipes get, the summer showers are never anywhere near cold.

But it is no longer summer. It's autumn now and taking a shower with no hot water really sucks. I have discovered my voice can do a whole range of involuntary noises to express my discomfort over these showers. As the torturous sprays of water touch each part of my body, new noises fly from my mouth. My shoulders contort. My body does its best to pull away.

As the showers continue, I always try to believe that my body will grow used to the cold water and I'll find a kind of contentment in what is happening. This never happens. I always leave the shower just as unhappy as I began it. I'm cleaner but just as unhappy. By the time I get into my bedroom, I have to sit under a blanket and shiver the bitterness out of me. I mean bitterness in every sense of the word.

Those plumbers need to get this mess fixed.

Dread

I made a beautiful hat this weekend. I'm working on a beautiful scarf. I'm doing my best to focus on them and on the comfort of one stitch after the next. I'm doing this because thinking about this week terrifies me.

I don't know what will go down with the plumbers. I have no idea how long this will take or what it will cost. I'm really scared about this. I hope I sleep tonight. Until then, one stitch, then the next.

Selling Your Place

So my way of trying to keep myself calm about this whole "underbelly of the house is screwed up" thing is to look at real estate listings. This is my brain's way of soothing me about the whole ordeal. "If it's too awful, we can just move."

The problem is, I can never find a house that really suits me. I want a modest house, but one that still functions well. I want two bathrooms and three bedrooms, but not some huge house that is too big or daunting to clean or deal with. I'd like a garage or carport. I want a small yard. I'd like central heat and air because that's just easier to deal with. I'd like everything in the house to be functional.

Oddly, that's hard to find.

Beyond that, what frustrates me most about online house shopping is that people rarely do their listings justice. It's pretty common these days for most people to browse for places online before they look physically. It saves time and effort. With that in mind, a seller can do a lot to make their house get tons of traffic. They can also do things to annoy the piss out of people and keep everyone away from their property.

Here are some tips for getting the most out of your online listing.

1. Just the facts. Don't embellish your listing with smooshy stuff. No one is going to be inspired about how many parties they can have on your deck. They'll get that when they see the deck in the pictures. What they want to know is the stuff they can't see in pictures, like the age of the roof/windows/AC unit.

2. Include pictures. This is VERY important. In fact, I don't even waste my time looking at a listing without pictures. Or even one with only a few pictures. Have lots of pictures, at least two of each room from good angles so people get an idea of what the room really looks like. Include pictures of the outside as well.

3. Don't make your pictures confusing. Take wide angle shots. No phone pics. Label each shot. It doesn't take much to photo edit "Kitchen" onto a picture. This is especially helpful when you have empty bedrooms. A list of empty rooms doesn't have much implact but if you label them as 'Master Bedroom" "Smallest Bedroom" people will have a better grasp of what the house has to offer. Make sure the room is well lit. Don't upload the pictures upside down.

4. For the sake of all that's holy, clean your house. No one wants to look at pictures of your messy bed or your dirty dishes. Clean the house. Put things away. Make the beds. Even if you're selling the house 'as is' people will be more interested in it if it's clean.

5. Really think about what people want to see when you take the pictures. No one wants to see your shower curtain. They want to see what your bathtub/shower looks like on the inside. Keep curtains open. No one wants to see your car. Move cars out of garages or carports so people can see how much space they'll have to work with.

6. With number 5 in mind, organize your pictures around what people most want to know. Show the kitchen first. Then bathrooms. Then laundry rooms/mudrooms/utility rooms. Highlight storage areas and places for cars. Above I said to have at least two pictures of each room, but with kitchens and bathrooms, you should include as many pictures as is needed to allow the viewer to have an understanding of the layout of the room and appliances.

7. People want to know the mobility logistics of a house. Make sure to include pictures of stairways and entrances.  Show pictures of hallways.

I think most people know that there are very few houses that will completely suit one's needs. Yes, even me. However, it's important to find a place that you know you can work with (or around). If you plan to sell your house, it's very important to communicate to potential buyers that your place is worth considering. A good reception online can do wonders towards that goal.

Some Answers

Some answers to last night's questions, but not good ones. The one thing I can say about today is that at least the internet didn't mess up. Beyond that, it really wasn't that great.

We still don't have gas. Turns out we also need the water pipes replaced. They're rusting out and will probably break soon. We were supposed to get a quote for the cost of that, but we didn't. He left and never came back. So, we won't have gas for the weekend and probably not until midweek. This is so annoying and stressful.

The thing is, it does me no good to dwell on it. I can't control the majority of this. I'm going to do my best to just keep my spirits up and not burden anyone with my stress. Right now, that's about all I can do.

Accomplishments and Questions

Today I got the title in for Blair. I called all the people who officially needed to know I've changed vehicles. My roommate did the same. Somehow, despite losing the title to the van, the gas springing a leak, and general organizational fuckery, we've managed to get the Great Car Shakeup of 2016 completed.

Tomorrow I have to be in Fort Smith so my roommate will have to deal with the plumber himself. I'm not allowing myself to think about how that will turn out. This house is over 100 yrs old and most of the repair work on it was done by DIY people. It's all pretty sketchy. For all I know, he could go under the house tomorrow and find out our foundation consists of hornet nests and the skeletons of mice. Oh, and Virginia Creeper. I'm sure there is a lot of Creeper down there.

I also know I slept better last night than I have in weeks. I'm assuming that had something to do with not breathing in gas. I also know that no matter what ends up happening with the gas situation, even if we have to tear the house down or move, it is STILL better than breathing gas and/or dying from gas.

Beyond that, it's all a mystery. Will the gas leaked get fixed? Will the Virginia Creeper destroy us all? Will Suddenlink have Part Three of Fuck It Up Friday and screw up the internet for everyone from here to Texas? Answers to these questions and others will be answered in tomorrow's blog.

Leaks and Loss

They shut off our gas today. Not because of lack of payment, honestly, that would be been easier to fix. This was because we have a leak. It was in the dangerous zone so they shut the gas off and we're going to have to wait until the repair people locate the leak and fix it before we get gas again. Hopefully, this won't take too long or cost too much money. Unfortunately, it might.

This was happening in the middle of us getting all the car business finished. I was so stressed out about the gas leak that I didn't really have time to process the fact that the car I've had since I was in my 20s is no longer in my life. I hadn't owned it for a while. When I got the van, Rabbitkiller became my roommate's car. Still, it was in my life, in my driveway. It was part of the family. Now it's gone and I'm pretty sad about that.

Needless to say, it was a rough day. It was an emotional day. It wasn't a day I wish  to repeat. Also, it's cold showers for me until this is fixed. At least my hair will like that.

Troubleshooting

My roommate has this theory about computer problems. He believes that if you're having a problem with your machine, chances are other people have had the problem already and have found ways to fix it. Googling is always the first step when computers screw up.

Last night, I decided to apply this theory to a problem of my own and it worked. I'm making some new carriers for my phone and needed straps for them. I can make these on my own, but it gets boring and tedious. A few years ago, I got a little crank machine to do this for me. I could never get it to work right. After a while, I just gave up and tossed it in a supply bag.

Following my roommate's theory, I went to YouTube to see if anyone else had trouble with these machines. Come to find out, my problems with it were really common. I watched a couple of videos, did some practice runs, and how have straps! Yay!

So anyway, I am thinking the Roommate's computer theory can more or less apply to any situation. If you're having a problem with something, you're more than likely not the first one. Google it. Youtube it. See what you can find. It may help.

Same Old

I kept seeing commercials about the vice-presidential debate and something about it was getting on my nerves. This was beyond the usual stuff that gets on my nerves about politics. This was a kind of narrowing of the eyes, teeth on edge kind of thing. I finally figured it out.

The VPs are common. Both of them look like typical men running for president. In fact, for a lot of people, it's probably somewhat of a relief to see them because they look like what people normally assume presidential candidates would look like.

I don't like this. To me, it means that as much as our main candidates are unusual choices (even someone like Trump is unusual in  the grand scheme of things), the people they picked to be with them are just status quo. And that isn't to say anything about either man's ideas or actions. This is just about how presentation and expectation play a role on who we choose to vote for. Pick this dude. He's the safe choice.

It could be argued there is a matter of balance to consider here. I get that. I do. At the same time, I also believe that if you're going to shake things up, shake them up a lot. That shows promise. That shows guts.

Then again, since when was politics ever about promise or guts?

The Fog

My mood is better today. I have no idea what happened. Maybe it was just massive emotions and nerves over getting Blair. Sometimes when one has Depression (and a childhood like mine) even good things can feel like they might cause massive problems. My mind keeps searching for them. I'm trying to ignore it.

In therapy, we've talked often about how brains get used to certain chemicals. Our brains, after a while, will accept that chemical state as normal and believe any alterations to it are abnormal. So for the person who grew up facing crisis situations with people who panic, they will move around a lot, pace, and yell as adults to achieve that same level of panic.

For people with issues of anxiety and depression, our brains are used to feeling that kind of awful up and awful down. Even though we rationally know it isn't the way things are supposed to be, part of us is always whispering that this IS reality and we just need to accept that.

And . . . . that is often the hardest part. Even when I know my mood is causing my specific filter for how I'm seeing things, it's often difficult to try and talk myself into believing that. No, all the things aren't going wrong, it's just what your mind is telling you. No, everything isn't going to fall apart and break into pieces, it's just what your mind is telling you.

That's the hell of it all. If you can't trust your own mind, who can you trust?

Blah

It's a good thing I posted when I did last night because past that, the internet died and stayed out for hours and hours. That caused a lot of stress, which was not fun on top of all the other stress that had been happening.

Did I affect any change today? I managed to make some things fall. I managed to make some other things be ugly. As you can see, my mental state isn't on the positive side.

Perhaps tomorrow.

Blair

I have a new (to me) car! She's a 2000 Buick Park Avenue. She's old, but super fancy and quite nice. I'm very happy about this. I named her Blair. This is the Big Thing I've been talking about. I knew I was going to get this car, but I needed to make some things fall into place first. Now they have and she's with us!

This is a very good day. I'm very happy about it. I'm also exhausted from all the errands. Anyway, hello Blair. Welcome to my life.

And No One was Happy

I had this dream that for the last 20 years, I was part of this family that kept spinning in and out of reality. We went on all kinds of adventures when we were outside our own time and space and gained a lot of odd skills. Recently, we'd found out the reason for all the chaos and put and end to it. We could still spin where we needed to go, but we had control over it now.

In the 20 years that had passed, much had changed. Everyone else got older. Friends died or had children. People we'd not seen in ages could now be visited, but nothing would ever be like it was. The family had been so sick of each other, but as they came to terms with how different things were, they began to draw closer together. It felt so stifling.

This was one of those really emotionally-vivid dreams where I felt such joy at the prospect of having my old life back, only to watch that fade away as the reality of the time passage began to take hold. Even so many hours later, I'm still feeling the whole mess of it. There was the disorientation from the first part of the dream where I kept moving through space/time and then the happiness of getting that to stop and being victorious, only to realize it didn't exactly make anyone happier. Uggh.

Pointless Debate

Clinton and Trump had their first debate last night. Everyone assumed it would be widely viewed, though I think mostly for the same reasons people slow down to look at a car wreck. People either hate-watched one candidate or the other.  I'm not sure anyone's opinions were changed.

I think we should allow the independent candidates to be at these debates as well. Whether you vote for a major party or not, I think it does a disservice to the voters to not hear from everyone. Even if the voter decides to go with a major party when it comes to actual voting, the other opinions, options, and ideas should be discussed.

They let a massive number of people on stage during the primaries. We had tons of Republicans running for president. And really, they were mostly all saying the same thing. If we allowed Libertarian and Green to take the stage as well, the voters would get to hear all the various options for how to move forward as a nation.

I'm not saying this because I support the Libertarians or the Green Party (any more than I actually support everything the Democrats or the GOP have to say, for that matter), but I still believe they have the right to be heard. We need more ideas, not less. We need more solutions, not less.

It would make the debates far more interesting as well. The major parties are so caught in their narrative that having to face off with other people might give a level of gravity to the debates. I also believe more people would watch. More people might hear ideas that sound reasonable to them.

Then again, maybe that last bit is the part that scares everyone.

Monday Doing Its Monday Thing

I had this plan last night to go to bed early so I could get a nice level of sleep. That would have worked beautifully, but the people working for the electric company cut the power this morning. It was only out for 45 minutes, but it threw off my sleep schedule and basically sent my whole day into a tailspin.

I really wish this hadn't happened because, otherwise, it was a nice day. The weather is starting to level out and I didn't spend the whole day in a state of sullen dampness. In fact, I even managed to get in a good nap.

Tomorrow is the start of a week of me having to do stuff every day (other than Saturday). I'm hoping all of it goes well, as some parts are dependent on other parts falling into place. I've organized it as best I can, but as you know, my great plans often have unforeseen bits of reality that smack me in the face.

Other than that, I'm still sick. My throat has felt icky for weeks now. I'd love for that to end, but it's going to take a change in the pollen count. I would think my allergy meds weren't working, but I know they are. They're just not potent enough to deal with all of this mess.

Finally Cool

The next two weeks are going to be kind of tense for me. I have A THING happening. It isn't a bad thing or a cancer thing or dangerous thing. In fact, it's a very good thing which I will discuss when it's finally a done deal. But it involves a lot of steps and right now those steps haven't happened. The idea of them feels a bit overwhelming and I'm trying to just keep it all in perspective.

The weather is cooling down some. Maybe. It's cooler tonight than it has been. Maybe we'll finally start to get our Fall weather. I'd like that. September has been kind of a dick in that regard.

It's cool enough for me to knit again and I'm trying my best to finish the current project so I can get to the next one. I have quite a few things that need to happen before Christmas. I'm hopeful though. Very hopeful.

Truth Versus Beauty

I was watching some show last night and grinning about it. When I saw my reflection in the monitor, some old hag was staring back at me. I wasn't upset by this or ashamed of it. In that moment, it's what I looked like. It was the truth.

When I was a kid, people used to say that beauty is in the of the beholder. I rarely hear anyone say that these days, because I'm not sure most people believe that anymore. Beauty used to be in the eye of the beholder because we understood that certain things appeal to people and not to others. It seems to have changed.

Now beauty is often defined by how well one conforms to a standard. Do your teeth look a certain way? Are you within a certain weight range? Do you keep all the hair shaved off of your body? Can you contour your face? Does your vulva look like the vulva of the porn stars?

Is that what beauty has become? Is it all about erasing what is unique to the person? None of us take the damage of life in exactly the same way. No one scars the same or gets the same stretch marks. No one loses their hair in the same way or has the exact same patterns of hair on their body. These things, these flaws, define us. They are the truth of who we are.

Now, I'm certainly not knocking people's abilities to create illusions of beauty. As you know, I'm in awe of what people can do with hair and makeup. I find the structure of a well-disciplined body to be just as beautiful as anyone else would. I love the grace and power of it. Does it have bearing on the person who did the work? Of course. It says a lot about their character, but not everything.

How would it feel if the person who loved you and shared a sex life with you knew the way the hair grew on your body? How would it feel if they celebrated that? How would it feel to know they loved the wrinkles and freckles and crooked places? How would it feel to know those unique things were the cherished things? How would it feel to be THAT loved?

Fall

You're lucky to get this post. The internet was off for the majority of the day. It was an areawide  thing and everyone was mad about it.

Anyway, it's Fall now. Yay Fall! This means I'll soon get to my favorite holiday . . .you know, the one where we all get an extra hour and I get to sleep more.

I'll post more later.

XOXO

Sims Drama Max Has Really Broken Death

"You look like someone I once destroyed."

Max went to get coffee and terrorize the locals. While he was there, he saw Death again. Death wasn't there to fetch anyone. In fact, I'm not sure Death even DOES that anymore. Death just showed up to drink coffee and be sad about Max breaking his/her heart. If there was an interaction to write weepy poetry and read it out loud at the coffee shop (actually a little surprised there isn't), Death probably would have been doing that. As you can see from the pic I took, Max is completely unmoved by the Grim Weeper's sorrow. He offered Death the same haughty gaze he gives everyone.

After Max got his own coffee and stole someone's food, he proceeded to flirt with Death some more and then gave him/her the cold shoulder for the rest of his time at the coffee shop. Death tried to get some consolation in watching the cooking channel with some locals. I don't think this went well because Max saw one of his other lovers and did naughty things with them in a closet.

Later I spotted Death out fishing again. I also saw him/her at a party on the bluffs. I'm not sure Death is going to ever regain any kind of dignity over this. Max believes he should get some sort of special prize for this.

Seasonal Whinging

Looked at the blog from last year and my eyesight was so bad from allergy stuff that was having to make my fonts huge so I could see them. I'm coughing and wheezing right  now, but at least I'm not having to do that. Pretty sure that will change over the next few days. The electric company people are like RIGHT by us now. Things are going to get ugly in a pollen kind of way.

It's also staying unseasonably hot. I need to be working on stuff, but I just can't right now. Too warm. I'm really just kind of managing to keep myself floating along.

I have some things that will be happening in the next few weeks. I was panicking about them some, but now that I'm taking steps, things are feeling less overwhelming. That's good. Though lately it's been like I have two brains. One brain functions in panic mode and the other brain just calmly wonders what the hell we were panicking about.

In the meantime, I'm just going to try to stay as even as possible.

September Is a Brat

It seems September is going to defy my wishes. All this week we have weather in the 90s. This is not going to be fun. I was looking forward to transitioning to nights with no fans. That's not happening for a while. I actually wrote 'fangs' the first time. Hah! I'll always have nights with fangs.

Anyway, I'm tired. Today was stressful and I'm trying to wind down from that. I'll write more later.

The Lurker

I don't live in a massively big house, but it's decent sized. I have three bedrooms, a kitchen, a large living room, a laundry room, and plenty of windows. One would think that all that space would be enough for three cats to find their own spot to hang out.

And yet, I have two cats that want to lurk in the bathroom. For a while, it was the kind of zombie one. Now it's the white one. There is honestly no reason in  the world why they would do this, other than to annoy us.

The bathroom is the smallest room in the house. There isn't really a great place to sit. It's often wet. It gets a lot of traffic, which means the cat will often be disturbed. Plus, you know, people do unpleasant but needed things in bathrooms. You'd think this would be the last place a cat would want to be.

I needed to take a shower. I walk into the bathroom and there sits the white one.

"Out." I tell her. She glares at me.

I rattle the shower curtain. She hates plastic. "Out." I receive more glaring, but at least she leaves. I get into the tub and step on something. Now this is the cat that sometimes has trouble remembering where the litter box is so I panic just a little. Assuming the worst, I raise my foot. Not poo . . . but it IS a cat treat.

Sigh.

She needs to find a new spot to lurk.

Max the Sim Terror

Maximillian, my evil (and favorite) sim has just moved into a new house to celebrate his rise to the top of his criminal empire. His title is The Oracle and his daily duties at home include writing a new computer virus. This is something he always takes great pleasure in doing. Max takes pleasure in most evil things.

These are some of the things he's done, though by no means all.

Broke Death's Heart

Max witnessed the death of one of his enemies and enjoyed it so much that he started flirting with the Grim Reaper when it showed up. You can't really have a romantic relationship with the Reaper in Sims 4, but you can get Death interested enough in your sim to where when said sim starts flirting with someone else, the Grim Reaper gets really upset. Max did that. He laughed evilly when the Reaper's heart was breaking.

Mindwiping Victims

Because Max is alien, he can erase the memory of human sims. He often treats sims horribly and beats them up, then wipes their memories and consoles them out of their sad mood.

Fathering Bastards

Okay, I actually do this with a lot of my male sims (because I'm awful) but Max really excels in the fathering of bastard children. So far, he has ten kids. He only raises one of them. One poor girl has six kids with him. Every time I go to her place to check in on them, she's wishing he'd come over and propose to her. That won't happen.

Multigenerational Pain

Max hated the richest man in the city and became enemies with him. He went over to the man's house and sabotaged him enough to where he died. Then he seduced the man's daughter and moved into the house. He walled the man's sons up and starved them to death while the daughter was pregnant with his child. Once she had the baby, he gifted her with her brothers' urns and ignored her. Eventually she seduced someone else and moved out of the house.

Ruining Birthday Parties

Max is hated by most people and usually doesn't get invited to parties. One guy actually invited him to his Becoming an Elder birthday party and Max agreed to show up. I knew things were going to go sideways when the first thing he did was sit down by the guy's newly adult daughter and start flirting with her. By the end of the party, she was pregnant. In fact, she and Max didn't even watch her father blow out his candles because they were too busy getting it on in the closet.

Ruining Public Spaces

When Max goes to a public area, he will steal as many things as he can, freeze people with his freeze ray, and sabotage all of the plumbing. If there are any tvs or stereos, he destroys them for parts. He also pees in the peeing bushes to make them stink and stomps on piles of trash. There are a couple of public places that are so messed up that sims go into distress just wandering onto the lot.

I really love him.

The Best Laid Plans Crashing into Reality

When we moved into this house, one of my goals was to set up the file cabinets, organize actual files, and make sure that all important paperwork was in order. I honestly thought I had accomplished this.

And yet tonight, when I go to find an important legal document, it is somehow NOT in the file marked for it. In fact, it is nowhere to be found at ALL.

I'm really kind of beside myself about this. It would be one thing if I couldn't find the thing in a massive clutter of unorganized paperwork. Lose a document in the big irresponsible mess? That's just what you get.

But no, I lose this thing after going through the EFFORT to actually organize everything, tag hanging files, and situate the paperwork . . . you know, like adults are supposed to do. If I was just going to lose it anyway, why bother going through all the work? And trust me, setting up a filing system is work.

Dammit.

Bad Eyes

I looked back at my blog from last year and noticed I talked about how my eyes were giving me trouble. They still are, though I believe that is mostly due to allergy stuff. Allergies have been such a mess this year.

I folded towels today and tomorrow (or the next day, depending on how I feel) I'll put my clothes away as well. Past driving my roommate to the store, that's about my limit of activity for now. I'm still not feeling super great.

Hopefully I can recover more during the weekend.

Positive Blips

I spent most of today being sick and uncomfortable. My head hurt. My nose was runny. My eyes wouldn't stop leaking.  It wasn't all bad. I was doing something I love and being with someone who brings me more joy than I ever imagined I would find. Today was also good because I know that RuPaul won an Emmy.

That is significant. Ru won an Emmy for a show about drag queens competing to see who is the best drag queen. And this was no token win either. It's a genuinely amazing show with a huge following. Sometimes I think the world is rolling backwards, then something like that happens.

So yes, good things despite my illness. Now if only the illness would go away.

When Trees Attack

Sorry I didn't blog last night. My body is kind of a wreck right now. The electric company has workers clearing tree limbs out of the way of the lines. This is a good thing in theory. It means we're less likely to lose power. In reality, however, it sucks.

The equipment is loud and jarring. They usually start working before seven and continue far into the day. The equipment is also huge and somehow ALWAYS on whatever street I need to turn on. I realize both of these things are First World Problems, but they still annoy me.

I could handle both of those if this wasn't making me sick. All the wood particles and leaves and pollen and god knows what else in the air has caused one hell of an allergy reaction. My throat feels raw. My eyes won't stop watering. Occasionally I'm blowing blood out of my nose. My roommate and the cats are just as bad. It's painful.

I know the limbs have to be trimmed, but I will be really glad when it ends. Living with the noise and inconvenience is one thing. Living in an achy, swollen sinus hell is just unacceptable.

There Really Is a Big Picture

Thanks to my best friend (seriously, thank you!) I saw Labyrinth in the theater today. I've seen this movie like a million times, but this is the first of those times to involve a big screen. Did it make a difference? Oh yes, it certainly did.

When movies are adapted to smaller viewing (in this case, VHS waaaaaaaaaay back in the day) certain scenes have to be chopped and edited in order to fit into the limited space. Because of this, the full meaning of scenes can be lost. For instance, in this movie, the masked ball is far more sensual and titillating in its original form. The scene with the garbage woman makes a lot more sense. Watching all the elements unfold together makes the story more complete.

The theater was full. I'm not surprised by this. A lot of people love this movie. It flopped when it was first released, but achieved cult classic status in the years to follow. We're 30 years past Labyrinth, and despite some very 80s elements to it, it still holds up well. I'm very glad I got to see it.

This is a day I will always remember.

Furniture Dread

It's supposed to rain and get cooler tonight. I'm seriously in favor of this. This weather is awful. I'm tired of being sticky and it needs to end. I'd like my autumn now, thank you. This has been one of those days where I just couldn't get comfortable. The sad thing is, there are a lot of those days.

Recently I was asked the order in which I would want things to be improved for fat people. Doctor's equipment, clothing, furniture, and cars. I said furniture first. There is a lot of reason to say clothing first, because, in terms of comfort, it's best to work from what is closest to you and move outward.

The furniture thing popped into my head first, however, because it's a constant issue. Almost all of the stuff I sit on is uncomfortable. When I go out to eat, I always have to worry about how uncomfortable the seating will be. Every time I have to go to a new place, there is a slight panic about the furniture situation. It makes me a difficult friend to have, because there are many times when I will opt out of going some place because I know I'm just going to be uncomfortable.

I honestly can't imagine what life would be like to just always assume you'll be fine on whatever furniture a place has to offer. That is a privilege I don't have in my life. The idea of being able to go where ever I wanted and know my body would be accommodated is honestly the most lovely of thoughts. Ugh, it's actually kind of depressing me because that SHOULD be the way it is (because thin people could still sit in the chairs that held fat people too), it isn't. Any 'going out' situation is always one of dread for me.

You know what helps ease the dread? Cooler weather. I'd like some of that now, please.