Professional Ethics and Good Tipping

A lot of professional programs of study require classes over the philosophy and ethics of that specific field. If you are going to be a doctor, you take a class over the ethical issues of what it means to be a doctor. This covers a lot of what is discussed in the oath that doctors take and it should serve as a guide to how they conduct their professional lives. Honestly, I think there are a lot of professions that should require classes like this.

Above all professions that should do this, however, you would think that spiritual leaders would try to work within a certain code of ethics and behaviors. After all, they are there to not only serve their deity and their followers, but also act as an example of how people should live and behave. Is this always possible? No. It's something to try and keep in mind though. This is especially true when other people may get hurt in the process.

Working as wait staff is never easy. More often than not, you get paid well below minimum wage and depend on tips to make up the difference. When you are stiffed on a tip, there is very little you can do about it. However, when the person who stiffed you leaves some asshole message, at least you can get a little revenge by posting their stupidity on the internet.

A waitress at Applebee's had this happen to her. She had to deal with a party of 8, which means that there is an automatic gratuity of 18%. She goes to get her tip and finds this written on the bill.

Okay, first of all, the Bible says you should tithe 10% of what you have.  That is very different that tipping a waitress 18% of a bill. She has been serving you drinks and getting you bread and answering your questions and dealing with you the whole time you were there. The two things have absolutely nothing to do with each other. And, as always, if paying a tip is a hardship for you, then it's probably best that you stay home and eat a sandwich or something. Save your money.

The madness doesn't stop there though. The pastor found out about the waitress posting the bill online and got angry about it. The pastor, Alois Bell, felt all hurt and insulted that this had been posted. She said it made her heart ache and she called the waitress's manager to complain. The poor waitress got fired over this, though I'm not really sure why.

So, this pastor not only wrote a shitty note to someone who was just trying to do their job and get compensation for it, but she also caused this woman to get fired. She did harm. She caused ripples that will probably have a lot of negative affects on this woman's life. If she didn't want to tip her, she could have just NOT tipped her. She didn't have to write snide stuff on the bill.

The worst part about this, at least as far as I am concerned, is that Bell represents this entitled religious professional that seems to believe they are exempt from the rules that apply to every day people. "No, I don't have to pay that tip, I'm a pastor." "No, I shouldn't have to park in the back, I'm a pastor." "No, I shouldn't get called out on my behavior. I'm a pastor." When things don't go as they expect, they take it as an attack against their religious beliefs. Listen, get a clue. People aren't annoyed with you because of religion. People are annoyed with you because you're being an asshole.

There is a part of the oath that doctors take that I think should be in the ethical considerations of most professional people. "Do no harm." Whatever you do, when you make decisions about how to conduct yourself and how to portray yourself as a professional, make sure that what you are doing isn't harming other people. Pastor Bell would have done very well to have this as part of her code of ethics. She did harm to her own reputation, to her cause, to her ministry, and to this waitress. She did harm. She did needless harm.

The THING

I'm going through A THING right now. It's a very serious THING that was unexpected, is confusing, and may potentially cause a lot of havoc in my future. I'm not ready to talk about it in the blog in an official sense, because I really don't know how the THING is going to resolve itself . . . if, indeed, it even can. I'm doing research on the THING and I've talked to some people in the know. Or, at least they are usually in the know. The THING is kind of uncharted territory even for them, so I'm not really getting any answers. I will tell you this. It's not a health issue. Don't worry that I'm going to die on you.

Well, okay, I say that it isn't a health issue, but in some ways, it really is becoming that. The THING is so scary to me that it's stressing me out and keeping me from getting anything resembling decent sleep. It's altering my eating patterns and causing me to have a lot of panic attacks. It is doing damage to my health, even though it isn't an official health issue in and of itself.

The reason I didn't blog last night was because this morning I went to meet with someone who I hoped could handle the paperwork portion of the THING. I was so nervous last night that I just sat here in front of the blog and couldn't write anything at all. When I went to the meeting today, I was shaking and couldn't speak without hearing my voice quiver. The worst part was, all I was told was that they couldn't help me with the THING and I would have to seek help in another place. All that stress for nothing.

I'm going to try and calm down about it. I need to be realistic and count my blessings. My roommate has been so super supportive and understanding. He's kept me calm when I would question if I was doing enough to resolve the situation and reminding me that things can only proceed as they will proceed. When something like this is happening, it helps to have a voice of reason.

When the THING is resolved, one way or the other, I'll talk about it on the blog. Until then, just understand that my crazier than usual posts have a reason behind them.

Serenity to Accept . . .

I was reading an article about how men and women view height in relationships in terms of it conveying a sense of masculinity/femininity. On a personal level, it's not something I've really thought that much about. I'm on the average of height for a woman. There are aspects about it that annoy me because there are a lot of things in the house that I can't reach. Other than that, it's never really affected me that much.

Of course, my body issues/perceptions have more to do with my size than my height. Having been fat most of my life, I tend to assume other people view their weight as a more pressing matter than how easy it is for them to see the top of the fridge. This is rather shortsighted of me, because the reality is, weight is something you can change. Height is harder to alter on a long term basis.

I've always liked the Serenity Prayer. No matter what beliefs you hold or don't hold, I think there is a lot of important stuff in that prayer. Having the courage to change what needs to be changed in your life is very important. Can you change in a state of fear? Yes. But if you've ever moved from one home to the next when you HAD to as opposed to when you just wanted to, you know that being forced to do something usually botches it up. Changing while in a state of fear usually has long lasting consequences. Changing when you are in a state of peace and courage means that you have control over what you are doing. You can plan it out and make sure things don't get worse.

In the grand scheme of things though, the stuff you can change is far easier than the stuff you can't. We can drive ourselves mad trying to change the unchangeable. We can waste our lives looking for solutions. We can waste all of our resources trying to alter our realities. In the end, we usually just waste what we had and accomplish nothing in the process. Accepting that some things in life cannot be altered, no matter how bad they are, is difficult to do. We are born problem solvers and most of the time, that is what gets us through the rough patches. Sometimes though, there is absolutely nothing we can do.

Throughout my life, I've hit that wall of acceptance many times. It's painful. I think it's even more painful because most of us are just egotistical enough to believe the rules don't REALLY apply to us. They do though. No, we magically won't get the boy we love. No, we won't keep our loved ones forever, even though we really do need them. Yes, our eyes really are this color.

Accepting that there is nothing you can do to change a situation can be very scary. It can be the most horrible, saddest, terrifying moment of your life. At the same time, it can also be the most liberating moment because you finally realize you don't have to fight this battle anymore. You can't do a damned thing to change the outcome.

When it comes to body image, a lot of people feel like those who promote self-acceptance are encouraging others to continue in unhealthy habits. "Oh, so you accept that you're fat now and you're okay with that? Great, you'll never lose weight." I have to admit, for a while, when you do finally accept yourself and begin to love yourself for the size you are at the moment, there is a time of indulgence where you just bask in that freedom.

But as you begin to love yourself more, you start wanting better for your life. You begin to alter habits, make better choices, see the places you can change. They might not alter the reality of the MOMENT, but they will alter it over time.

The last request in the Serenity Prayer is for the wisdom to know the difference between what we can change and what we can't. This is the most important part. This is where you learn to choose your battles and how to use your resources. After a while, you begin to see you can't just rage against the machine and never accomplish something. Grumble at it and turn away. Find a new path. After all, we may not be able to change certain things about our lives, but we always have the option of changing how we feel about these things.

Simple Dreams

I think if I could do anything with my life, in terms of living my life in a way that made me happy, it would be to live like a Glitch. I would want my own small space in the world, a small house filled with things I made myself, with plenty of storage and lots of open space . . . despite it being small.

I would like to have a yard that I filled with things that helped me to keep my life going. I would like to grow my own garden, harvest plants that I could store and use for times of the year when things wouldn't grow. I would like to have skills to make my own clothes. I would spend my days wandering through beautiful places, gathering the things I needed that didn't grow in my own yard.

Of course, I would also like to keep my computer, so I could blog and game and chat with people. This kind of doesn't jive with my simple little Glitch life. Maybe it does though. It would just be a matter of balance and priorities. You know, a computer in the corner of my simple little house. Perhaps I would put it by the window so I could type and look out at my garden. That might cause a glare though.

Knowledge Bases

Last time I saw my best friend's 8 yr old son, we were talking about clothing from the past. He had me read part of one of his history books about how kids during colonial times would hunt for the various berries used to dye fabric. We both thought this was neat, and I knew there was an even more important point that I want him (and everyone, really) to always keep in mind.

"Hey, so . . . these kids. They were taught what plants to pick in order to get the dyes, right?"

"Yeah," he said, as he walked from one side of the room to the other. "They knew the right berries to get."

"Would you know the berries?"

"No," he informed me, with a dramatic shake of his head. "No one has ever shown me."

"No, no one ever has. Mostly because we don't have to do that anymore. In fact, I'm not sure anyone you know could show you, because knowing that isn't in our primary knowledge banks. It's something you'd have to research."

After that, I told him how my grandfather could tell the kind of every tree and bird he saw without ever having to look it up. He could isolate and explain different types of grass in the yard. To me, it was always just grass. My grandmother knew every flower and could tell you tons about them. She knew how much sun they needed, how much water. She knew the best times to plant them and at what temp they needed to be brought into the house.

There is a tendency of the young to assume they are more sophisticated than the old. The young always assume they know more than their elders, mostly because they adapt to changes in technology and are more open to new ideas. The fact that some old person has to be taught how to use the newer phones or needs some time to grasp how to handle the remote control with 7000 buttons on it is quite bemusing to younger people. It was to me when I was young (old people couldn't work the VCR or use a mouse! Hah!).  It probably was to my grandparents as well.

However, at any point that I begin to assume I'm so much wiser and less ignorant than those who came before me, I always have a humbling moment of clarity. I cannot name every kind of bird or tree just by looking at them. I don't know all the types of flowers and would probably only learn how to keep them alive via trial and error. My grandparents had a vast and useful knowledge base that I do not possess. What we know is quite often relative to what we need to know.

My friend's son plans to study the dyes of colonial times and learn what plants were used.  He is doing this because he has an interest in domestic history. I would like to learn about flowers, because I've started to think that once my current family of cats is no longer around, I should take a break from the heartache of losing pets and see what kind of green thumb my grandmother may have passed on to me.

My grandmother may have never figured out how to check her email, but she knew many things that are useful to basic survival. She knew far more than I do, and I have to admit that my knowledge base has a lot of uselessness. After all, knowing how to grow a garden will always be more practical than my nifty VCR skills.

If anything, I want to approach people and their wealth of knowledge with respect. We can learn from everyone. Being snide about what someone else can teach us will only further our ignorance.

The Same Annoyances

I'm so frustrated with the Republican party today. Okay, I'm frustrated with it on most days, but today it really disappointed me. First of all, a Republican in New Mexico tried to pass legislation that would make abortion after a rape or incest a felony because it destroyed evidence of a crime. I hope this woman feels me rolling my eyes from here. Seriously? Tampering with evidence? Is there some way in which the rapist can't be determined by looking at the aborted tissue? It's not like they flush these things down the toilet.

It also seems that many states are trying to get laws passed to where electoral votes are dolled out according to congressional districts and not just on a state by state basis. The GOP feels that this will cause them to win elections from now on, instead of other people winning. Now granted, they would have won the last election had this been the case, but that's not to say it would ever work in the future.

What frustrates me about both of these examples is that they are underhanded and lazy. It's underhanded to try and pass laws just to get your way. Laws, and this goes for both parties and all various groups of crazies concerned, should be passed to benefit all people in the country, not just you and your group. They should be designed with the principles of this nation and reflect the ideas of freedom and our Constitution.

As far as the lazy part of this is concerned, I think in both of these cases, a lot of mental laziness is happening. Many other countries have legal abortion and yet have far fewer abortions happening. Why is that? Has this been studied by the anti-choice people? Have any of you sat down and thought about the fact that 40 years after Roe vs. Wade, 7 your tactics aren't working? Have you considered maybe you're going about this all wrong?

As far as the GOP and winning elections is concerned, passing laws to make it easier for you to win is just lazy to the core. If you want to win elections, take a good, honest, hard look at what you are saying and how look. Decide what is truly important to you and start asking yourselves what you are willing to let go of to get the big important stuff accomplished. Oh. And stop letting your crazies talk. That would help a lot.

What the GOP needs is more people to vote in its direction. You're not going to get those voters by doing underhanded and lazy things. It won't happen. You need to start accepting the fact that people didn't vote for Obama because they thought he would give them free stuff. People voted for Obama because they didn't trust Romney and all their conservative Facebook friends were annoying.

The Lessons of Walking Away and How it Makes me a Better Writer

My roommate and I recently had a long talk about TV shows and if we planned to continue watching them. In a couple of cases, we decided we were tired of the current season and would pick it up in the next season (this only works well with reality shows). Other shows, well, we're just dropping them completely. I would like to say I'm sad, but I'm not. It was getting to the point where watching these shows was just painful.

It's an important thing for me to think about as a writer. What goes wrong with long term storylines that forces me to walk away?  Worse, what goes wrong that makes me just not care anymore? It's something to seriously consider.

1. PLOT PACING

There is a delicate balance when constructing a plot. You need to be able to make the plot move in a way that keeps your audience feeling there is progress, but not move it so quickly that they feel blindsided by it. Plot needs to be established early and revisited often. Will other things be going on? Of course. But the plot always needs to be there. The stories need to weave into the plot and once the plot reaches its climax, it needs to make enough sense and have enough impact that the audience feels it was worthwhile.

2. BACK STORY IS IMPORTANT, BUT IT'S NOT THE SHOW.

I love back stories. I love flashbacks. I love it when a story has depth and range and aspects that happened years ago that still affect what is currently going on. Having said that, there are shows I stopped watching because the flashbacks became more important than the current time. If the current timeline is just a backdrop for what has happened in the past, it's not going to keep my attention . . . not unless it is very well done.

3. GOOD CHARACTERS AREN'T ENOUGH

It is vital to have good characters.  It is equally vital to have a good plot. People will stick with characters they love for a while, but only for a while. If said characters are just milling around in meaningless actions and babbling one-liners at each other, people will walk away.

4. UNDERSTAND YOUR CHARACTERS AND HAVE THEM REACT IN A REALISTIC WAY.

If you're going to write something, you need to really understand who you're writing about. Characters should have depth and realness to them. You need to understand them. You need to know what really drives them, what they fear, what they will not tolerate, and who they are. It is important to always keep this information in mind when you write them. Don't base a plot point around your character doing something they would never reasonably do.

5. WHILE IT IS IMPORTANT TO GIVE YOUR AUDIENCE A SENSE OF MYSTERY AND HINT AT MORE THINGS TO COME, DO NOT KEEP WITHHOLDING THESE THINGS FOREVER.

I can't tell you the number of shows I have walked away from just because the mystery aspects of it came off as 'this is really convoluted and the writers have no idea what is going on.' While you can't just lay out the whole plot from episode/chapter one, you do need to begin to unfold it within the plot. This requires something very important. YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT THE MYSTERIES ARE. You can't just make them up as you go along. You need to know everyone's secrets and know where all the bodies are hidden. If you don't, rest assured that others will soon realize you don't.

6. DON'T KEEP REPEATING THE SAME CONFLICT AND RESOLUTION OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

My favorite Harry Potter book is The Prisoner of Azkaban because in my mind, it is the least formulaic of Rowling's novels. Instead of Harry and co. wondering around only to find Voldemort at the end of the plot, things took a different turn. Harry found out a lot of stuff about his family and the generation before him, saved the day, and only won in the most bittersweet kind of way. While things had ties to Voldemort, it wasn't directly about him. It wasn't the usual predictable stuff.

People will get tired of your characters just repeating the same series of steps over and over again, especially if they continue to react the same way. There needs to be variation. There needs to be consideration. Most of all, there needs to be character growth.

All of this is by no means the only reasons I stopped watching shows, but they have a lot to do with it. I guess if I have to boil it down to just one thing, it's this . . . don't betray your writing. When you betray your writing . . . your plot, your characters, your idea . . . you are not only betraying yourself, you're betraying your audience. An audience will forgive a lot of things, but they will not forgive being betrayed. It's the one thing that will turn them off not just from your current project, but any other project you may have in the future.

Some Thoughts on Addictive Behaviors

People think it's all about misery and desperation and death and all that shit which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn't do it. After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. -Renton, Trainspotting

I think a lot about addiction and addictive patterns. I have them and the people in my life, who have been  the major influences on my life, have also had them. My own additions have cost me a lot in terms of the quality of my life. The addictions of my parents did a lot of harm to me when I was younger, and even into my adult life during certain situations. I know first had how painful and destructive addictive behavior can be. And yet, like most addicts, I struggle to with breaking the patterns.

If you read the blog, you know I've been making some small bits of progress. They are very, very small steps. Still, any step towards the goal is better than walking away from it. I've wrote about tactics to change your patterns and even some to change your mindset, but lately, I've been thinking about the fundamental issue where addiction is concerned.

To leave an addiction, you have to understand all the beauty of it.

Because there IS beauty. Addictions become addictions because they fill certain needs for us. They help us. They give us pleasure. They give us security. They give us the ability to cope.

So you have to ask yourself, how is this addiction helping me?

And yes, I know that as soon as you think that, a world of cultural pressure is going to scream into your mind "NO ADDICTION IS BAD BAD BAD AND THERE IS NO GOOD TO IT ALL." The thing is, that's just not true. There is always a lot of very beneficial aspects of addiction. Otherwise, we wouldn't do it. As Renton said, we're not fucking stupid.

Take my fat for example.

I am fat because I love to eat. I love the pleasure of food. I love the excitement of food. I love tasting things that are delicious. But where most people can stop and just the point of sating themselves, I have to keep going.

I keep going because it gives me a sense of control. Food is something I know will make me happy, something I can depend on for that purpose. The more I have in my possession, the happier I think I am. And I don't want to make decisions based on what authority figures say, because I don't trust them. On many, many levels, I just believe the people telling me I shouldn't eat so much are just trying to deprive me of the only pleasure I know will never fail. They're also trying to make me conform to a certain body image.

Once I think about the body image thing, I get even more resistant. The fat has benefited me by being my shield. It keeps people away. It keeps me out of situations that might involve physical or intimate contact with others. It serves as my excuse and my justification for not having a social life, because those aren't things I want in my life.

As I began to think about how I saw the fat as being beneficial because it was a shield, I realized I could use that as a turning point on my behavior. This anti-social shield thing is an issue that I can tackle and deal with, all the while understanding that I don't have to continue to put my health at risk. I can either choose to find a new shield or perhaps come to accept that it isn't necessary. By gaining this control back, I have begun to see that altering my habits and patterns aren't about what society is telling me to do, but about what I choose to do for my own reasons.

If you have an addictive behavior you want to change, it is a long process. Sometimes it is a lifelong process. I really do believe if you take the time to examine why the addiction has been so good to you, it may help you find paths away from it. When you're an addict, on some level you feel like you truly are taking care of yourself in the best way you can. Okay, cool. Now look and see if there are better ways.

The New Running Lie

So every once in a while, I come up with this new running joke that I'll keep going for as long as possible . . . or until I forget I was doing it. Usually, I just forget. The joke is usually just some line of bullshit that is based on an outrageous lie that is clearly not true about me. Or, at least, not the complete truth.

My latest running joke is about my philosophy of modesty. Now, this isn't completely untrue. I am a rather modest person when it comes to how I dress and my behavior. BUT. . . yeah, see I'm not dressing modestly because I feel that I need to be a sweet virtuous woman who doesn't expose skin. I dress modestly because I'm fat and no one should have to look at my skin if they can help it. But still, the modesty thing applies.

It's also allowed me to come up with some new and fun excuses for things.

Question: Why did you never have children?

BHB: My modesty prevents me from having children. To have a child, I would have to commit many immodest acts. I would have to have sex with a man, which is a violation of my modesty, and then allow a child to be born . . . which would involve said child touching my vagina, which is clearly an immodest thing.

Question: Why are you so fat?

BHB: My modesty is the reason for my fatness. Were I at a healthy weight, I would be attractive and people might look at me in a lustful manner. Clearly, this would be immodest.

See, when people ask you personal questions that are really none of their business, you can tell them it's none of their business . . . or you can answer them with something that just baffles them for a bit. Modesty is my new baffle toy.

Though, I don't want people to think that I have something against modest folk. I certainly don't. I believe that if you live modestly and are doing so of your own free will, that's awesome. I'm right there with you, but of course I think I was a Shaker in a former life, so that shouldn't be surprising.

Circle of Friends

I was watching a show today and found myself getting very annoyed by the end of it because actions taken by one of the characters basically destroyed the only female/female friendship on the show. The friendship, although brief, had been full of complexity and a lot of potential to really become a great dynamic. But they killed it, mostly because it seems that shows directed towards a male audience have a fear of female friendships.

Really, why is that? I see this all the time on TV shows and in movies. We'll have a huge cast of a lot of men and maybe one or two women. The women, unless they are related, are usually completely isolated from each other.  If they do meet, they either fight or just discuss the men . . . or both. However, most of the time, they don't meet at all. It's like there is some kind of law that states that women should only talk to the men in the story.

This is so crazy far from reality. On a daily basis, I talk to far more women than I do men. In fact, I usually just talk to one man and I live with him. If I didn't live with him, I'd probably only talk to males like once or twice a month. I'm talking about social communication here, not situations where someone is fixing my car or  running a cash register. I talk to women a lot. And we talk about a wide variety of topics, not just relationships, men, shopping, children, and gossip.

I don't think I'm alone here either. Clearly the women in my life have other women they mostly talk to, with perhaps one or two males somewhere in the mix who get spoken to as well. I really doubt just my circle of people are an isolated and strange example here. My guess is that most women talk to other women a lot more than they talk to men. Many of them have had the most complex and profound discussions in their lives with other women. Yet somehow, this just isn't translating to our media?

And yes, I know there are exceptions to this. I'm sure you are thinking of tons of examples where we DO see female friendships and yes, this makes me very happy. More and more shows are featuring women's friendships as part of the show.  However, usually those shows are geared towards a mostly female audience, not an audience for men or for both genders. In the later two cases, we usually only see women talking to men or men talking to men. Men have friendships with men and women. Men and women have romantic relationships with each other.

I hope the show I am talking about doesn't destroy this friendship completely. I hope it develops into something realistic and supportive. I hope the friendship is a way for both characters to grow and mature. I doubt that will happen, but it would be quite refreshing if it did. I also think it would serve to make the show stronger.

Resisting Change, Yet Not Resisting It

Ahh, my net connection sucked so badly today. I've not been able to get into Facebook in hours and probably all of my plants have died . . . the virtual kind. It annoys me when this happens because I was in the middle of doing things/talking to people and then BLIP! It's all gone. Stupid internet.

I'm making it a point to start listening to new music. A friend asked me about four bands and I hadn't heard of any of them. I have no radio stations in my area that play alt music, but then again, there is internet radio so I have no excuse. I guess really I just haven't wanted to explore anything new. This both shocks and scares me, as I always liked to stay current with what was going on. But either things have started to suck or my tastes are finally getting old. Possibly both.

The internet made this difficult as well because every time I tried to watch a video on Youtube, it would stall and stall and stall. I finally just had to give up.  I've found that when I'm in a frustrated mood, I'm far less likely to respond well to new music. I just get bitter about it and proclaim it to be tripe. I know I do this and it wasn't really fair to the music or to me to allow the internet's craptastica to ruin my   exploration.

HOWEVER, the net did start working really well about the time I found out this video existed. I've been developing this slight obsession with 3D printers and wanted to see if they can make floor tiles. Imagine my delight when Google gives me a link to how a large 3D printer can build a whole house. IN 20 HOURS!!!

This isn't totally a realized thing yet. It's in the works right now, but I'm so excited about it. I've always had a huge interested in architecture and this potential of this is so amazing. An affordable, safe, and fully functioning house in less than a day.  If this tech becomes a reality, it could change so much about people's lives. I really, really hope this happens.

So yes, in my usual contradictory way, I am resisting change . . . and completely embracing it. I'm annoyed with aspects of it, but totally in love with other parts. I want to design and build my own 20 hour house.

Just to Let you Know

I don't think anyone in my house felt all that well today. The cats just sat around looking blah and my roommate and I suffered through some kind of stomach squick. Things got easier as it got dark outside, but we were both rather drained from the day's ordeal. I can't say I'm doing all that great this year. I've been sick on and off for over a month now. It's never been the same thing making me ill, but that doesn't make it any less sucky.

This isn't going to be a long post. My attention span is shot and I have a headache. I need to just lay down in my happy, comfortable bed and sleep for as many hours as possible.

Milestone

Tomorrow I shall be making my first official purchase of something in a smaller size. Up to this point, I've managed to keep wearing the same stuff, though I do have to admit that things have started to slip off. As much fun as it would be to flash the world, I suspect that might be illegal and don't have the money to pay fines. Instead, I'm going to keep wearing the stuff as long as I can and replace stuff only when I absolutely can't keep it on anymore.

It's a small item. It isn't something as significant as a shirt or pants. It is, however, the first size down purchase and I am damned proud of that. I suspect that when I have them in my hands, I may just cry a little, because it is a physical symbol of the months I've been working out, trying to make better food choices, and giving a lot of thought to how and why I make the decisions that I do.

This isn't a perfect system. I still have issues with certain foods and certain habits. Working out is still on an 'as I feel like it' basis. Intellectually, I know that the places where I am lax will only hold for so long. It's really only working now because I have so much weight to lose. However, as more weight goes, more changes will be made. Weight loss is an ever-evolving process for me. It is my puzzle to solve.

Missteps aside, tomorrow is a day of victory. It is a major day of victory and as far as I am concerned, an important day in my life. I'm finally starting to reverse the damage. I feel very good about that.

Monthly Summeries

I was so annoyed with the stupid last night that I forgot to mention that I went back to therapy for the first time in a month. Between some bad stuff happening and the holidays, therapy kept getting put off. I'm glad I went back. I feel more focused and centered. I was starting to come apart at the seems.  It was good to sit in my therapy room and talk about how things were going, even if I did end up crying a few times.

This whole process made me think about how useful that might be as a way to really consider the direction of my life. Maybe it's a good idea to, once every four weeks or so, actually take some time to speak out loud about what has happened in my life over the last month. I suppose it's something you could do with friends or family as well, but that wouldn't be necessary. In some cases, being alone might be best anyway. Just you, by yourself, talking about what has happened to you in the last month. How did it change you? What are your thoughts on it now? What do you still need to do to resolve any lingering problems?

And yes, I know for some of us, it might seem that the days would all be the same. We have routines and quite often, we stick to them either by choice or obligation. However, if we start to pay more attention to what is going on around us, maybe we'll see things outside the usual mundane routines.

For example, the other day when I was driving my roommate to the store, I saw several birds sitting in a neighbor's yard. The birds were all poofed out for winter and just as adorable as they could be. I pointed them out to my roommate and he got to see them as well. When he did, I felt a certain delight in the fact that not only did I get to see the neat thing, but the timing worked out to where he got to see it as well. Sometimes there is nothing cooler than getting to witness a small moment of beauty with someone else.

We make this trip twice a week, every week. We take the same route and see the same houses and pass the same trees.  But this time, I managed to notice a cute something along the way and so did he. I also got a moment of insight into one of the things that makes me truly happy. When I look at it that way, this trip was far from usual, even though in many ways, it was.

You know, maybe if doing the summery of a whole month seems daunting to you, maybe it would be better to narrow it to just a weekly summery of your life. Take time once a week to consider what has been happening, celebrate your blessings and let the bad stuff melt away. In a way, it would help to give things a bit of emotional finality and allow us to have a sense of starting fresh with the days to follow.

Fear and Loathing

This is the country I live in.

Last month, a crazy person walked into an elementary school and killed a bunch of people. Many of them were young children.  This is a horrible thing and the whole small town where this happened is suffering. They are scared and hurt and devastated. For a few hours, they received the sympathy of the nation. But only for a few hours . . .

At that point, everyone had to make it about themselves. People who believe we have too many guns saw this as a way to start promoting anti-gun legislation. People who believe in mandatory prayer in school started saying the whole thing happened because God wasn't in the building. Some people blamed mental health drugs. Some people blamed the poor plight of white men who don't get enough attention these days. All the while, these people were still dead and these families were still grieving.

Then the groups start getting angry at each other. The anti-gun people scream that the NRA might as well just be lining children up and shooting them. The pro-gun people start flooding Facebook with 'how the world will look of they take our guns away.' People get mad and then their anger increases. Somehow, in the midst of this, the tragedy itself becomes the target.

Now there are people who claim the whole thing was a hoax created by the government as a plan to disarm the American people. They say the parents of the children are all actors because they aren't grieving enough. Because certainly if you're selling the country a bag of lies, you fill it with people who can't act the part? A man who gave shelter to some kids during the shooting and helped them to find their parents is being targeted. People are sending him threatening emails and accusing him of being an actor and a liar. This man gave aid to children during a crisis and now he is being punished for it.

People died. Children died. Families are hurting. A town is hurting. As a nation, our concerns shouldn't be about politics or policies or hoaxes or lies. Our concerns should be about helping these families, helping our countrymen in this time of pain and horror. How we treat each other in times of crisis says a lot about the foundation of who we are as a people. Right now, it looks like many of us are allowing the fearmongers and hate-stirrers to guide us. That doesn't say very good things about who we are.

Childhood, Status, and Bikes

As my weight loss is becoming more of a reality to me, I'm starting to think about how life will be when I'm at a truly healthy weight. It's kind of a radical thought for me. However, it's also good therapy. It helps me to start my morning if I go over not only my current goals, but the ones that I have for when my life is more simple than it is now. And trust me, being at a healthy weight is far more simple of a life than where I am now.

One of the things I want to do is start biking again. I'd like to have a bicycle to ride for doing errands that are within a reasonable biking distance, and also just for the joy of travel. I used to love driving around to clear my head, but gas has gotten so expensive, that's almost impossible now. Having a bike would allow me the chance to do that again. It would also help me to regain  the childhood sense of freedom I had when riding.

I'm kind of in love with this idea right now, which surprises me a little. I haven't thought about riding a bike in years. Even though I liked the independence of it when I was younger, bike riding wasn't without its issues for me. For one thing, even though I was a kid light enough to ride a bike, I was still a heavy kid. As I've noted before, people like to ridicule fat people who are performing physical activities. It seems counter productive to do that, but the bullies never want you to change. They just want you to go away.

I think my biggest problem with bikes had to do with the materialistic/status concerns that kids are taught to have. You know, the kind that teach us that kids with the huge box of crayons are somehow better than the rest of us.  When it came to bikes, my looming concerns had less to do with me being a fat kid and more to do with me being a poor kid.

Most little girls had bikes bought from stores. They were pink or purple or white with pink and purple accents. The seats were long and looked comfortable and sweet and had a nice U-shaped bar on the back that could serve to support anyone who was riding behind them. The bikes also had pretty woven baskets with fake plastic flowers and fake plastic streamers and a general aura of everything that 'girly' could convey. The little girls in my grandparents' neighborhoods had bikes like this, bikes that looked like the ride-able version of their Barbie Dream Houses.

My bike was the same bike my mother had ridden when she was my age. It had no streamers or basket. It had no special frills or pretty. The seat was a standard bike seat, small and to my eyes, very boyish. My grandfather had restored the bike for me so I had something to ride and had painted it with the spray paint he had handy, which just happened to be an icky, flat dark orange. My bike was serviceable and functional. My grandfather had put a lot of work into it. I should have been grateful for that.

But I was a little kid so I hated it.

Actually, I probably didn't hate it at first. At first, I was just mildly disappointed in it. It wasn't pretty and I wanted pretty.  Still, it was a bike and that meant I could ride around with the other kids. I assumed they wouldn't really notice that my bike wasn't as cute as theirs and would just be happy I wasn't having to hoof it along after them.

The bike has rules. I couldn't leave our neighborhood. I couldn't let people borrow it. I couldn't leave it at anyone's house. Most importantly, when I got home, I was to park it in the back of the yard by the carport, out of the way of cars and out of sight for anyone who might see it.

One day my friends and I had decided to go to the movies. After having obtained permission from all the adults who needed to be asked, we were heading back to one friend's house so her mom could take us. On the way, I told them I needed to take my bike home first and make sure it was put away. As I was on my way to doing this, I overheard one of the girls say to the other, "Why does she always make such a big deal about putting up that bike. It's not like anyone would ever steal it." At this point, they both began to laugh.

Ohhhh, the shame I felt! The injustice of it all! I wanted to go back and just babble madly at them, about how it wasn't MY choice to put the bike up, it was just one of the rules. It wasn't MY logical decision to think someone would steal the bike. I didn't have some crazy pride attached to this bike. This idea was something my grandparents believed. Actually, it wasn't even my choice to have this bike. They gave it to me. I wanted a pretty bike like theirs.

Instead, I walked back to them and made some excuse about the movies and just stayed home and cried. I felt embarrassed and powerless and poor. Almost 40 yr old me wishes she could go back and tell me to get used to that series of emotions, because it was something I would be feeling a lot in my life. Embarrassed, powerless, and poor could have been a theme for me for years and years.

No, actually, I would tell myself that one day there will be this magical band of people called Hipsters who would rule the current trends of fashion and the idea of having an old, fugly painted bike would be the pentacle of desired bikes to them and I would have to hide it quite well because if I did not, hipsters would steal my bike away. I would warn me not to be fooled by their glasses. They don't really need those and can see perfectly fine.

Seriously though, I'm glad that as an adult, I'm not quite AS caught in the consumer status traps that held me as a child. When I finally do get able to ride a bike again, I'm just going to be happy to be on a bike, It can be old or orange or ugly seated and I will not care. In fact, I think I'd rather have that than pink streamer and fake plastic flowers anyway.

Okay, maybe not the orange part . . .

The Great Joy of the Knit Voodoo

Now that I have the basic idea of how to work the knitting board, I've been trying some experimental stuff with it . . . and failing. As I've mentioned before, my knitting skills are very basic and not that great. I can do stuff that works for me, animals, and the occasional thing for my roommate. Basically everything else just turns out wonky. My last couple of projects are good examples of this.

But they're all unwound now and being repurposed as other things. I'm working on a scarf now and have only done a minor bit of experimentation. And honestly, even that almost killed me. I hate purling on the knitting board. It really sucks. Though, admittedly, it looks really cool.

In a strange way, I think the fact that knitting doesn't come easy to me is why I enjoy it so much. It can frustrate me to no end and I, more often than not, screw up whatever I'm working on. However, even when I screw it up, I gain experience. I have something to learn from. I gain skill in speed or steadiness. So even complete failures aren't without merit.

I'm also usually dissatisfied with the end product.  The things I make tend to be crooked or malformed or otherwise lacking in quality. But they're things I made, so I like them. My hats may be strange, but they're warm. My arm warmers may be uneven, but they do their job. I like the fact that I spend weeks at a time wearing something that I personally made. Honestly, I wish I had more things like this. It's one of the reasons I want to learn to sew.

The great thing about knitting is that the more you practice, the less you suck. Your hands gain skill and your eyes gain skill. You learn how to keep tension and how to manage your yarn. Eventually, you even realize how practical it is to count your stitches! I may not have a lot of skill with this, but I have far more than I did four years ago. Back then I thought those needles had some kind of elusive magic.

Technical Difficulties

The power went out today and the internet has been sluggish ever since. I actually wrote a real blog post, but it somehow didn't get autosaved and then disappeared into the nothingness. I don't blame Blogger at all. This was my internet's doing. Thanks, internet. You're awesome. Anyway, it's late and I had a rough week. I'll try to be ambitious and repost tomorrow.

A Good Day

Today was a big day for me. My best friend came to pick me up so I could spend the day with her. On the way out to the car, I noticed she was staring at me. I assumed I had my shirt pulled up to where my bra was showing or something. My guess was once I got in the car, she'd tell me she had to see boob and so did everyone else in the neighborhood.

Instead, she looked at me and smiled. "Ermagerd, you're really loosing weight now. Like it really shows."

My roommate can tell, but he lives with me.  The changes are something he witnesses every day. My therapist could tell, but, again, she sees me fairly often (except for this last month. I seriously haven't been to therapy in a month. I'm sure it shows in my posts. But I digress .  . .) However, I am now to the point where the fact that I am making changes in my body are very visible to everyone. And that, oh my brothers and sisters, is awesome.

You know we're ten days into the new year. I have an old cat who is just teetering around. I have plumbing that just seems on the verge of wonking out. I've already spent over $100.00 on the stupid car. It's not boding well for the year in terms of how things will go for me. However, progress is being made. Things are physically going better for me. My body is responding to the positive choices I'm making and there are real, tangible results.

It's good to know the work you put into something can actually do what it is supposed to. It's good to know that making the decisions to alter things about your behavior can pay off. In the depths of my depression, I really didn't believe that was possible, at least not for me. Part of me still doesn't. Part of me questions how and why this is even happening. Part of me even doubts that it is.

I'm trying my best to quiet those doubts though and just enjoy this. People can tell. That is awesome. And as a side benefit, I wasn't flashing the neighborhood.

Gloomy Lovely Days

Today was the kind of winter day I like. Gloomy, dark, and wet. Okay, I wasn't THAT thrilled with the wet part, but I'll take it if it means I get gloomy and dark as well. I love me some overcast skies. When the sky is overcast, I feel protected and secure. There isn't all that sun and looming blue infinity out there. Gray is better.

Read/watched some tutorials on how to purl on the knitting board. I tried it and it looks so awkward. It will get better though. Speaking of improvement. I walked all the way across the parking lot at the mechanic's to get Rabbit Killer. I was out of breath, but I didn't feel like I was dying. It was a very nice feeling to have.

There may be some pollyanna stuff on the blog for a while. Things are not going that great and, honestly, I think the only way I'm going to be able to cope with it is to just concentrate on whatever small bits of good are happening as all the crapstorm is happening as well.

Anyway, cutting this post short. It's been a long day and I have a long day tomorrow. Actually, it's been a long week and I'm ready for it to be over. And then I want a week of peace and knitting. Oh yes, I really want that.

Rabbit Killer and the Usual Problems

I know I still haven't taken a picture of the dog rug yet. I will and soonishly. It's just a matter of getting it washed, the little details fixed, and less laziness. I'm sure all of that will happen at some point. It's funny how I was so scared of the loom and now it's my favorite thing. I'm happy about that though. That loom has already seem me threw a lot of dark days.

Speaking of dark days, today wasn't exactly sunny shine and lollipops. I took Rabbit Killer (the white Mazda) to get an oil change, which went okay. However, not too long after that, I stopped somewhere else and she wouldn't start. Drama happened. At one point, a mechanic was hitting some fuel thingy in the back of the car, which finally caused it to start. Sort of like bopping the television to make it work. Rabbit Killer is back a the mechanic's now and hopefully doesn't have something wrong with her that is going to cost me a lot of money that I don't have.

Neither my roommate nor I got too emotional about it, possibly because this is a secondary vehicle. I'm also guessing that at this point, we've just run out of steam for getting emotional about the crappy situations. We've been through too many lately. We didn't feel all that great today either, which may have had something to do with it.

So that was my day. I'm going to knit some more and then try to sleep for a while. My headache finally faded and my wish is that it stays gone. Please.

Monday Disgruntles

I didn't write last night because I was too stressed out. Salem Cat wasn't doing well and we had some plumbing issues. As of today, Salem is still with us and the plumbing is holding. I'm not sure either situation will keep that way for long. After everything that happened last month, this was just too much for me. I kind of shut down for a while.  I know I shouldn't let the stress get to me so much, but sometimes it just does. I hate it.....but in the moment, I have trouble stopping it.

I'm also annoyed with this whole Sandy Hook shooting debate. Why are we even having a debate about a tragedy? Isn't it enough that it IS a tragedy? You would think so, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

To answer the debated points . . .

If we take away guns, this WILL NOT stop crazy people from killing others. Guns may be easy to access, but if someone wants to kill, they can always build bombs or use hammers or something. Like it or not, the right to have guns is in our Constitution. Deal with it.

This shooting did not happen because there is no prayer in school. God doesn't stay out of all events in public schools because he's not allowed in there. God is supposed to be everywhere, and if you believe that, then he is. People can pray in school all they want, it's just not MANDATORY that people pray. Prayer is like Kegel exercises. You can do it all day and no one has to know.

For the love of all reason, NO, we should not give guns to teachers. Do you not remember your teachers? Teachers come in four groups. Good, burned out, don't give a damn, and evil. The good ones would fall to pieces if they had to shoot someone. The burned out ones are more apt to shoot themselves. The ones who don't give a damn wouldn't bother, and the evil ones just might shoot your kid for texting in class. Teachers with guns is not the answer.

NO, the problem is not the fact that drugs for mental health issues make you crazy. Yes, I know that a lot of people who have been involved in mass shootings were on medication. And there is some evidence that meds for mental health issues can cause extreme shifts in personalities. HOWEVER, the reason why these people were on the meds is because they were already having mental health issues in the first place.

Finally, while I know people want to make sense of this and feel scared about it happening again, the simple fact is that we can't just take extreme steps (ban all the guns! Ban all the meds!) and think it will solve the problem.  In fact, I assume doing both or either of those things would lead to far more violence as a result of creating the ban.

Anyway, this whole thing is creating a huge lot of annoyance on Facebook. It's almost as bad as the election. I guess these people needed something else to be hot and bothered over.

Speaking of hot and bothering, the sun was annoying today. Stupid ball of light. Anyway, enough disgruntling. Sleep well.

Spending Money For a Better You . . .

If anyone likes the start of the new year, it is those who make money off of commercials. January television is always bombarded with ads created to inspire you to alter your life by buying crap. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that spending money is not the path to a better life. Can it add to it? Yeah, but only as a tool, not as the solution.

The ones that creep me out the most are the eHarmony ones. That old man just gives me the heebees. I have no idea why. Maybe it's that strange plastic smile on his face. Maybe it's the tone in his voice. Maybe it's that he has gotten rich by conning desperate single people out of their money. Maybe it's because our society  tries to tell people that being alone is horrible and you should do anything you can to avoid that fate. Whatever it is, I still snarl just a little when I see his commercials.

However, they are not the ones that annoy me the most. The ones that piss me off to the core of my being are the weight loss ones.

IF YOU BUY OUR STUFF, YOU WILL LOSE WEIGHT.

Join our gym. Buy our meal bars. Buy our giant piece of work out equipment. Buy our DVDs. Spend a lot of money, and you will no longer have your fat ass. Your life will be perfect and you will look like this chick on the commercial who is happy and skinny.

Sigh. No, this is not how you lose weight.

As I've talked about before, Fat Begone! is a huge business. People make millions off of trying to get other people to lose weight. The crazy thing is, you don't have to  spend money to get to a healthy BMI. You just need focus, patience,  a positive attitude, and some knowledge.

As for knowledge, the internet is very helpful. There is a lot of weight loss and meal plan information that you can read FOR FREE. There are also a lot of Youtube videos that will show you how to work out and how to use things around your house to help you. There is also walking, which doesn't cost anything.

You can't purchase patience, focus, or a positive outlook. These are things that you have to cultivate on a daily basis. They are the aspects of weight loss that are, in my opinion, the most important parts. The mental and emotional perseverance that will get you from your current weight to your goal weight is the most vital part the weight loss process. It is your personal task.

You really can't buy stuff to make it happen.

Short Friday Post

I'm on the last yarn ball before finishing the dog rug. I'm really proud of this thing and I think my cousin is going to love it (it is for her dog). It's the first non-holiday gift I have been able to give someone in a long time and I'm glad to be doing that. The cats are going to miss it though. They've been sleeping under it as I knit. It never occurs to them that something might NOT be for them.

I've lost some weight in my hands and they look all wrinkly and weird to me right now. I guess if I'm going to insist on continuing with this weight loss thing, 'wrinkly and weird' is just something I'm going to have to get used to. I hear it's also a side-effect of getting older.

I just realized today that two of my favorite authors will have work out this year. Gaiman is doing a Sandman story and Hodgell should have a book out later in the year. Yay! I'm probably going to start watching what Netflix has titled "scary foreign ghost story" movies to keep myself amused. I love that stuff. Netflix even confirms that I do.

However, as part of my goal of not wasting things, I'm going to try and take as much advantage of Netflix streaming as I can. This service is paid for every month. I shouldn't just let it sit there and do nothing. The more stuff I watch and the more yarn/material I put to use, the happier I will be. No point in things just sitting around.

Life, as Measured in Yarn

I guess it's been about three weeks since I started working with the loom. I'm getting close to being finished with my dog rug. It's my first large loom knit project and I've enjoyed it quite a lot. Tonight, I spent some time watching more videos over how to fix my mistakes. I have a better idea now and hopefully, I can make it work out. I find the rug, even with all of its mistakes and uneven colors, to be quite lovely. It's very worthy of the sweet dog who will soon own it.

It's been two weeks since my illness. In the wake of it, I was left dizzy and weakened. My exercise has been mostly about me regaining strength. The process has been both tiring and satisfying. It's good to see that I can recover, even when I have some serious setbacks. If you're someone who is trying to get physical again, don't be discouraged if you get sick or injured. Our bodies are pretty amazing about being able to bounce back. You just need to be patient.

It's a week since Alice died. We're adjusting to her being gone, but it isn't easy. I catch myself playing through her time with us and it just breaks my heart that it was so brief.

I always feel like there is an interesting synergy to any long range project like my dog rug. As you knit (or sew or crochet or what have you), your hands become the extension for whatever is happening with the rest of you. When I look at this rug, it's more than just a rug. It's a physical timeline of my experience over the last three weeks.

The first part of the rug is me being unsure about what I was doing. The work is shoddy, inexperienced, and has a lot of mistakes to it. It progresses into something more even and assured. Then it progresses into a solid love for the process of looming in this fashion. There are a few lines on this rug that are pure victories, done during the days when I was so nauseated and so weak, it was all I could do to hold the loom for one line of work. Further on, there are lines done in a frantic attempt to find comfort, as Alice grew ill, and then after she was gone. This rug has seen me through a lot and is a part of my experience during these weeks.

Finding Security: Who Helps you in the Crisis?

My roommate wrote a deeply moving post about what happened today. I encourage you to read it here. Losing Alice continues to be a very painful thing for us, but the sympathy of others helps a lot. In this matter, I am above all else grateful for the vet and his staff.  They were very supportive and helpful to us during this. And yes, I know they were doing their job, but they were doing it WELL. In times of crisis, that is great blessing to have.

In fact, I think one of the most important things you can do to secure yourself in an area is to find trustworthy and competent people to help you when things go wrong. I trust my vet. He is trusted to handle the safety and well being of my animals. One of the emotionally hardest things I ever had to do was to hand the girls over to him to be fixed. It required them staying overnight and if I had not trusted this man, that would have never happened.

We're also very fortunate to have a good mechanic. Nothing freaks me out more than when something goes wrong with one of the automobiles. Our mechanic is is honest with us, knows what he is doing, keeps a good staff, and makes sure the lines of communication stay open during the times when we have to deal with him. We've never felt like he screwed us over. Because he is trustworthy, his business has really thrived in our town.

For me, the best relationship I have with a business is the one I have with my medical supply place. They know me by name and are always very nice to me. They call back when I have questions. When they say they'll have someone available 24/7, they mean it. When my grandmother needed a device to help her walk, they worked with her until she found something that really suited her needs. They are patient and kind.

Now the problem is, there are some business relationships I would like to establish but just haven't been able to yet. I would love to find someone I can trust to do house repairs. I would also love to find a local plumber. So far, neither of these have proved to work out. I keep trying though. Hopefully I can find someone to handle one or both of these, because that would help out my sense of security a lot.

Things are going to go wrong. That's life. Cars break down, pets get ill, machines break. No one is so special that these things never happen to them. The best thing we can do is have plans in place for when things DO go wrong. The biggest part of having this kind of plan is knowing who to call who is capable of really fixing the problem and treats you well in the process. When you find those people, you make sure you keep them around.

The 2013 Plan

One of my Facebook friends linked to 30 Handmade Days and this blog post. I love the idea so much that it will be how I focus my New Year's goals. It's a fairly simple plan, but I think it gives a bit more insight into what people want and how to achieve that. I thought I would do the whole thing here so that I could go back to it from time to time when I forget about it. I sometimes do that.

The Project.

You do a list of certain things that allow you to frame your year.

One word: This word will serve as the focus for your year, the concept behind everything that you're trying to achieve. When making decisions, you go with whatever promotes your word.
Want: These are the things you truly want during the year. They don't have to be material things.
Need: These are things that need to happen, maybe not the things you want, but still need.
Share: The concept behind this is that goals shouldn't just be about us. What are we willing to share with others?
Succeed: This is for concrete goals.

I like the plan because it's not the usual vague list of possible goals that may or may not happen. It has some emotional weight to it, some thought behind it, and tangible reasons for why certain things should happen.

And so . . .

THE BLACKHAIRED BARBIE LIST FOR 2013.

MY WORD FOR 2013: 

Forward.  You know, a lot of dictators use this word to lead their people. I guess that's a good sign for me. In all seriousness, 'forward' is my focus word because a lot of the things I want to do with my life have already begun. They're not concepts waiting on some shelf to be pulled down at the proper moment. They are happening. I just need to keep marching towards that mountain.

THE THINGS I WANT:

1. I want to be in a safe and healthy place.
2. I want to appreciate the blessings I've been given.
3. I want to let go of anything that is chaining me to the past or keeping me from living in the moment.

THE THINGS I NEED:

1. I need to be more sure of myself.
2. I need to trust myself more.
3. I need to make decisions that move me forward.
4. I need to let go of fear.

THE THINGS I WILL SHARE:

1. My life is an ongoing experiment. I'll share my results.
2. I'll share my humor.
3. I'll share my capacity for encouragement.
4. I'll share my time for those who need to talk.

I WILL SUCCEED IN:

1. Thirty minutes of movement per day.
2. Continuous analysis of eating habits.
3. Finishing knitting projects.
4. Addressing a health issue and finding a way to have it handled.

Anyway, that's the plan for the year.  I know what I need and want. I have some plans to get there. Most of all, I know which direction I want to go. Hello, new year. Let's see what we can accomplish.