Concerns

I'm a little worried at Tink's sudden need to be clingy again. At first, I thought it was just due to the storms, but even today, with clear skies, she stayed with me more often than she usually does.  

It's really not a problem if she'd doing this just for the heck of it, but as she is a very old kitten, I worry about her health. I hope she's not in pain or scared. I hope she's not depressed. I mean, if she is, I'm a great emotional support human, but I hope she's not.

More Power Outages

We lost power three times tonight, which, of course, meant we also lost the internet three times. Well, four actually. The internet insisted on being extra.

Anyway, aside from that, it rained a lot, and this upset Tinkerbell. She not only sat on me as much as possible, but she also slept in the bed with me. She only does this when she's very scared. 

It's settled down now, but I won't be surprised if she isn't in the bed again tonight.

Quick Post

Our internet was out for several hours today and just in case that happens again, I'm making this quick. 

Internet was out. Our yard was mowed. Yay Tuesday.

Disfunction

You know, I've always known about the mental instability on my mom's side of the family. I grew up with the scars of it and gained a great deal of my own early scars from it. I also knew my father's father's side of the family had its own issues. Not as intense, but certainly still there.

My dad's mother died when he was in his late teens and most of my life he's had a lot of trouble discussing her or her side of the family. I honestly don't think I've ever met any of them. It's like after she died, her side of the family stopped existing.

Now, it seems, we were kept away from them for a reason. My dad has talked about certain cousins he's had to help over the years. Three of them lived together and two rotated out of prison while the other suffered from severe mental issues. Today he started telling me about the rest of them, how basically NONE of his mother's siblings or their children are that stable. Most of them can't hold jobs or they're criminals of one sort or the other or incapable of keeping their children or marriages or homes. He said it was like they just couldn't function in any sort of reasonable or normal way. 

So I listened to this and just kind of marveled at how much instability I have in my bloodlines. I mean. Seriously. WOW. Don't get it twisted. I'm not judging these people. Mental disorders and the inability to function aren't something people ask for.  It's just kind of amazing how both sides of my family consist of people who:

• have no impulse control
• cannot complete projects
• cannot hold jobs
• cannot maintain relationships
• often refuse to leave the house
• have strange and unexplainable habits
• cannot control their money
• cannot find a reasonable understanding of the laws
• often express themselves in ways that involve the eventual intervention of the police
• have difficulty maintaining emotional balance

And yet, I constantly feel like a damned failure for every little thing going wrong in my life. 

I'm not saying I should give up trying to function. I'm just saying maybe I should stop berating myself daily for the fact that I don't.

The Day They Knocked Down the Palais

Okay, Kinks lyrics aren't exactly happening here, but the emotions behind them are. My local movie theater is for sale. It's possible someone will buy it, but from what everyone was saying, it's unlikely. This isn't a supergreat time to start a cinema business. One could argue that in a few months, maybe even a few years, that could change. I have my doubts. And one way or the other, I find myself mourning.

When my friends and I were in middle school, we'd go to the movies a lot. Lots of parents dropping off little geek children. I was deeply in puppylove with one of the boys and so the movie situation was always fraught with that mess. Even still, it was glorious.

In high school, we would still go see movies, but the bigger draw was the video store connected to the theater. We'd get the usual movies, of course, but we also got a lot of weird filthy stuff. We thought we were sophisticated and cool for seeing all of it. We weren't, but it felt that way.

My most recent positive memory from there was going to see Fury Road by myself. I ate all the candy and all the popcorn and had just the best damned time. It was in the year following Bloodhell, Cancer, and Hysterectomy plus Other Hospital Visits. Seeing that movie by myself felt like a triumph. 

Anyway, like I said, I don't know if this is the end of it. Maybe someone will buy it and fix its various issues. I hope so. If not, that's one more placemarker from my childhood that will be gone. 

Sometimes it feels like every spot that denoted my existence is going to disappear. 

Trying Pesky Things

I love the cats. 

However, today the cats were trying my last nerve. They were jumping on it, leaning into it, knocking stuff over on it. Over and over and over again. I do love the cats but sometimes they try my patience. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out to be around animals. Or people. Or anything. Some days my nerves fray so badly that I just want to scream. Sometimes I do scream. Then I feel guilty. It's not helpful.

I love the cats, but today the cats were too much. But of course, the cats don't speak English so they don't GET that they're too much. They don't understand that they can stand HERE but not HERE and that it's okay to lean on me like THIS but not like THIS and that I want hang with you but not every second I'm awake. 

I mean, I'm sure I get on the cats' collective nerves too. I sometimes get hisses and growls. I sometimes get wiggled away from. That's fine. I get it. We have complicated relationships.

I do, however, continue to love them. 

Silmarillion Sunderings

When Tolkien wrote The Silmarillion, one of the things he really discussed a lot was the way in which communities of peoples (elves, men, dwarves) would be sundered apart and then reunited later, only to find their once-common languages had changed. 

JRRT loved languages and the evolution of them. He loved the idea of relics of the past ages being found and examined. I love this too. In fact, one of my earliest memories of complete delight was when my mom read to me about the Fellowship finding the journal while in Moria, how it was bloodstained and tattered. That just thrilled some part of me and the memory of that moment has stayed with me since. I think it was in that very second that I fell in love with like 75% of the stuff I love now. 

The thing is, in order to have this kind of sundering of languages and groups of people, you also, clearly, have to have movement of said people. So a large part of earlier stories deal with people being torn apart from one another, having to see refuge in places, having to find new areas to settle after their cities have been destroyed, or finding themselves in exile after their angry king goes crazy because someone killed his dad and stole his jewels. You know, as one does. 

Tolkien also has people who have to immigrate after environmental disasters. Large landmasses fall into the ocean on occasion. People have to seek safety, rebuild, try to keep a level of memory with the places they lost. 

I think this idea reaches an even greater level of poignancy when it comes to the elves. People like Cirdan or Galadriel or Elrond find themselves living with thousands of years of memory full of other places, other lands, other homes. And while it is interesting to see how well people can regroup and rebuild, the sadness of what has been lost never really goes away. Then again, how could it?

Sleeping Disfunction

I don't nap every day, but I nap quite often. Today I started thinking about how I enjoy naps more than I enjoy nightly sleeping. I think it has to do with stress.

Let's face it, there is a lot of performance anxiety around sleeping. "Go to bed and get enough sleep or the next day you are doomed." Okay, that's a little dramatic, but you know what I mean. We have a lot of 'go do your duty of sleeping' thrown at us during our lives. We have whole disorders over this.

Aside from my sleep apnea, I don't think I have any serious sleeping disorders. I do have some issues with trying to make myself go to bed at night. My brain is suited better functioning at night and I tend to hate walking away from that. Mostly, however, it IS the performance side of it. Be GOOD AT SLEEP tonight or else. Ugggh.

See, with naps, that pressure isn't there. At least, it isn't for me. Other people may have nap anxiety and if you do, ignore what I just wrote. Nap time for me is wonderful. I may sleep, I may not. I may just lay there in whatever lost in thought thing I happen to want to do. No worries about 'future doom' or anything. It's nice. 

My Sweet Sam

My best friend's dog passed today.

The first time I met him, he was in her car. She'd come to pick me up and he rode down with her. She handed him over to me and introduced us. I held him and he leaned against me, embracing me into his life. I loved him instantly. 

He was a very sweet dog. He loved to be held and wanted lots of eye contact. When the doors were left open, he would watch out the glass door and give opinions to all who passed. He had quite a lot to say about the neighborhood. 

There were times when I felt very alone and Sam was there to ease that. He was a great source of strength to others. He offered a lot of comfort.

When Frankie was born, she came into a world with Sam already in it. She loved him with all her heart. She informed me that he was not only her best friend but her brother. Anytime she was sitting on my lap, she wanted Sam with us as well. 

When she and I would tell each other stories, she would always construct hers around Sam. "Sam ran away" or "Sam saved us from monsters" or "Sam decided to start talking." I love that kid like she's my own and I am so glad she had him in her life. What a gift he was to her. What an important part of her childhood.

This last year has been heartbreaking in so many ways, but one of the hardest parts for me has been the time I missed with my best friend and her family. It's been over a year since I was able to spend a long amount of time with her kids. It's been a long time since I was able to hold Sam. It hurts that I never will again.

Goodbye, Sam. You made my life a better life. You gave love and joy to my best friend. You taught lessons to her children in ways that no human could. You were an important part of the household most dear to my own. You are loved and you will be missed. 

It Snowed

Okay. It didn't snow in my hometown, but it snowed in the state over, in places not far from me, at a time when it should not be snowing. This is a stupidly cold time for Spring. 

Granted, I don't want to be HOT yet, but still. I should not be this cold in April. It's 4/20 actually and in honor of it, I posted The Strokes "Reptilia" on FB because Julian Casablancas is so deliciously stoned in it.

Heh. God, he's beautiful in that video. Honesly, everyone is. 

Bunnies

Today was rather delightful because our yard had a nice smattering of bunnies! Four or five of them were darting around and eating from the yard. They never came close to us, of course, but it was so neat to watch them. 

It really lifted my spirits. It helped my roommate too. He talked to them as he was putting up groceries. They're wild, but honestly, he's so good with animals that I bet if they stayed around he'd have them eating from his hand within the week.

The cats, as always, were NOT amused.  

Cold Weekend

I used to write cool stuff on this blog. Now I mostly complain and keep a somewhat daily account of my disgruntledness. I mean, not always. And honestly, I have other stuff I'd like to talk about, it just isn't happening right now. I'm not depressed, really, but my brain is in a strange, almost frostbit place. 

Anyway.

What can I say? I found a new writer I like. I listened to more witch music. I found some curtains I loved and want but then realized the yellow flowers on the print were actually skulls. It doesn't change my mind about them, but it is funny.

Lack of Sleep

Sometimes it's not about the number of hours you get. It's about the consistent flow of sleeping. Last night I went to bed at a reasonable (for me) hour. It didn't matter. My sleep was interrupted three times and it was enough to just destroy any sense of actually feeling rested I might have had.  

Nope! Instead, I've felt draggy all day. By seven I was ready to drift off. My whole body just aches from the lack of sleep. I'm really hoping tonight will be better. 

Doomscrolling

I was doing pretty well, but today I let myself delve too much back into the real world and its politics and stupidity. I should not have done this. It completely set me back into the Dark Place. I'll need to dig myself out of it again.

I shouldn't do that. I'm not really in the mental place to deal with it. I don't need to hear about or read about or watch videos about ALL THE BAD THINGS. I know they're important (some of them, I swear sometimes people are thrusting drama at me that has nothing to do with me at all), but I am not the person who has enough spoons to process it right now. 

Right now I can talk about music (not politics of music or who is trying to do what to music or who wants to cancel what music), elves, and how hot Melkor is. That's about it. Honestly.

Midweek

My roommate seems to have gotten the van issues under control. This is awesome. Any time we don't have to deal with the mechanics,  things are usually less stressful. 

It was supposed to be warming up this week, but we've had rain and the rain is keeping us on the cooler side. The cats are not happy. I'm rather tired of mud and drear. I know I'll be complaining about the heat soon, but for right now, a few sunny days would be lovely.

Promise

Ahh I found new music today. Well, new to me music. It's glorious. And spooky and amazing. I'm so happy. 

We watched a movie that started out well but then fizzled toward the end. The director seemed to be highly influenced by certain other directors but missed the things that actually make those directors great. It was clunky but promising.

I'll actually take clunky and promising because I DO put a lot of faith in people improving on their work. I think this person can as well. I feel this way about a lot of writers I'm reading at the moment. Is it the best stuff? Nope. But does it show promise? Yes. It's enough. 

I Spoke Too Soon

First thing this morning, the van won't start. Looks like the battery died AGAIN and it will have to be charged AGAIN and taken into the shop AGAIN because I guess we can't just have one week without drama.

So annoying.

Anyway, of course, also, the mechanic said he can't see it today and tomorrow he'll probably be busy too and it will turn into a THING because it always does. Hopefully, he'll just be honest about how busy he is and we can call AAA and handle it that way. 

Quiet Weekend

For the most part, my weekend was quiet. My brain is still active, positive, and restless. I'm trying not to think about the crash back into Depression. Maybe it will never come? That would be just lovely. 

As far as I know, we don't have anything planned for the week. This is awesome! Things have been too busy of late.   

Quick Week

Perhaps because I was feeling lousy for so long after the vax, this last week just flew by. I honestly think it's the first time it's been this way in several years. Trump's presidency seemed to slow everything down to an agonizing pace. This was made worse by Covid. Things felt...faster when Biden took office. Now they're back to the usual pace. Yay.

I probably need more sleep. Sleep has been pretty shoddy lately. My brain is in its GOOD mode and doesn't want to turn off. I almost want to just go with that because I'm enjoying GOOD MODE so much. Seriously. I'll miss this when it's gone.  

Normal Things

I saw my best friend today, actually got to sit in her home, for the first time in over a year. It was magnificent. It was very needed. 

One of the things to have come out of this Time of Covid has been how delicious things of our normal lives can be. Things we used to take for granted, products lost or substituted, routines altered, people removed for months at a time......all of this has been ripped from us. As we start to regain it, it's going to be amazing. 

At the same time, it may also feel scary and overwhelming. That's okay. It will take us all a long while to feel secure about the thing that used to be Normal Life. Hopefully, we can get there.

The Fatigue Continues

Even though I'm basically over the side effects of the vaccine, I'm still dealing with the fatigue. I've been exhausted all day and I'm probably going to try and get as much sleep as possible tonight. 

This fatigue feels different than my usual kind. It's deeper, like in my bones. My whole body is aching for more rest. Back before my sleep apnea was treated, I used to sleep for hours during the day. My exhaustion was painful and grew worse the more I tried to fight it. This isn't like that. It doesn't seem to be a lack of sleep. This is more like my body is spending more energy than I really have. I assume it's the immunity building. I guess? No idea. I just know I need sleep.

Not Over

I spoke to my caseworker today and thought I had everything overwith. Then she called back around five and left a message. She still needed more information. I gave it, as best as I could. I hope it was fine. I hate being nervous about this stuff.

I know I've been really shut down lately. I've had trouble talking to people, getting back to people, communicating. I'm deeply withdrawn, more so than usual. And the thing is, I'm not sure I have the spoons to claw my way out of this. Not yet. Maybe soon. 

Easter 2021

Our Easter was good. The meal was excellent. It helped that we were both feeling betterish. Neither of us is still 100, but we're getting there.

We had to go run errands on Saturday and it threw off the weekend. I think part of the disorientation is connected with the shot's side effects. At least I feel like myself again.

And Still

Today was easier than yesterday, but not by much. I ended up using the heating pad to try and get some movement in my back. It helpish. If nothing else, it sent me into a fit of sneezing.

Anyway, we did first of the month errands despite the achiness and then spent the rest of the day just recovering. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. 

A Rough Day After

At least we were warned the second shot would be more difficult to handle. Neither of us felt well today. My roommate was dealing with body fatigue, temperature fluctuation, and pain. I mostly had the pain and fatigue. It has not been fun.

They say this all disappears around 72 hours or so past the shot. I hope this is correct. I'm not SICK sick, but it certainly isn't fun. 

Second Shot

Getting the Covid shot took longer this time. It was less organized and a little stressful. I'm not surprised though. The shot is more available now so they're probably having to deal with a lot more people. 

However, I have it now and my status card stating that I'm vaxed. YAY. I feel a lot better about the world with that handled. 

I'm not sure when my brain will reboot. So far I'm just kind of stuck in my little whole of fanfiction and obsession. And knitting. Not even sure how much of that will get accomplished tonight. I'm achy.