Best of the Year NYE

I was going to write about music for this one, but music can take a sidestep. The best thing about this year, the absolute best thing is that we're all still alive. In my little household of strays, we all lived through this year. Trust me, it's been touch and go several times.

I am very grateful for the home I have. I am grateful for the cats that live with me and the kind and gentle person that got them to trust him enough so that they would join our household. I am grateful that my home is one of peacefulness. I'm grateful for the strange little society we have built around us. I'm most thankful of all that it will continue into another year.

YAY!

Best of the Year 5

I was going to write about all the good books I read this year, but my mind is elsewhere. Someone I care about very deeply is having a hard time and is in the hospital. I'm worried about him and can't really focus on this post.

So....yeah. I read some really good books this year. I'll try to talk about them later.

Best of the Year 4

I'm probably not going to give this the justice it deserves, because a lot of stuff is going on here and I'm worried about folks. I'll try my best.

So this year I got closer to my nephew. We started playing games online together and talking about them, which, of course, lead us to talking about other things. It's been neat.

A lot of people say the best way to relate to a kid is to find stuff they enjoy and let them tell you about it. I remember this being true when I was younger and it seems to be true now as well. I'm glad I'm getting to have this experience with him. We're about equal on  games, honestly, which is also nice.

Best of This Year 3

You know, I made a list when I was thinking about this whole End of the Year project and actually wrote down "I feel more confident with my craft." I'm not sure that is true. I'm still somewhat unsure of EVERY project I do.

That being said, I did learn some new techniques this year. I think I finally mastered the 'one line to the next line' on crocheted hats and that is seriously a big step for me. I've made some very wonky hats. I think my knitting is better, if only because my stitches are more consistent and I know I'm basically doing everything wrong. Seriously, I've been knitting the wrong direction this whole time.

I think I also have to add my crafting communities here as a 'best of' for the year. These communities are positive and inspiring and great to have. It's so neat to watch other people posting about the beautiful work they're doing.

Best of the Year 2

Note: Okay my roommate is very sick which means it is possible that I will soon also be very sick. This plan of mine to do the end of the year thing may not work out. Hopefully it will, but we'll see.

Anyway:

The second thing that was really good this year is the fact that I've gotten closer to my dad. This started out as a weekly call in the Fall of 2018 because I was worried about his emotional state after his dad died.

Now I call him about twice a week and we talk for around an hour. He's opened up a lot. I've heard stories from him I've never heard before. I now know more about his life and my family than I ever did. I'm very happy about this.

For a long time, it felt like there was a wall between my dad and me. I think my mom built that wall because she was always good at making people think the other person didn't like them. I should have known better, but it's difficult when it's the person that birthed you who is poisoning the well.

That's changing though. My dad and I are close again. I'm so happy about that. It's a  very good thing that has happened to me this year.

The Best of this Year: 1

There was a moment in the earlier part of the year when my household had a crisis. I was alone and I needed help and transport.

On very, very short notice, my best friend and my dad dropped what they were doing and came to my assistance. The whole situation was still difficult on me physically and scary on a lot of levels, but I know I got through it because these two people held me together. They kept me calm and secure and helped me to feel safe.

I am so deeply grateful to both of them for helping me with this situation. I feel blessed and loved because of it. Even though what was happening at that time wasn't easy (and I wasn't even the main one involved in it), it was do-able because people love me. This stands out as the first amazing thing about my year.

The Holiday

Christmas is over. It went well. I am unbelievably tired. I'm in a lot of pain. I'd like to not leave the house for a week or so. Maybe not even then. I need to sleep for a long time.

It's time to start focusing on the end of the year stuff. Even though I spent a good deal of this year depressed and uncomfortable, I made some good decisions and had some wonderful experiences. I'll be writing about those as the year closes. I'm looking forward to that.

The Birthday

Things went well. I didn't get what I expected but what I did get is kinda neat. We stayed for hours. I have new video games I need to download so I can play them with my nephew.

Overall, it was a good birthday.

The er New Hat

So, predictably, while I liked the hat I knitted, when I started trying to fix my mistakes on it, I messed it up and found it unsuitable as a gift. Dad will get a very quickly crocheted hat.

I always do this. Why do I always do this? I'm so glad I never have children as I am always so displeased with my creations.

Tomorrow starts Christmas week. Here's hoping no one gets injured.

Birthdaymas Has Begun

Today we celebrated my birthday in the special way that people of little income and few spoons would do. We got take out, a small cake, and watched some Netflix. It was awesome!

I wore the Hat I Fixed today and felt a nice level of satisfaction from it. I need to spend the weekend fixing my dad's hat. On Monday we need to drive the van to make sure its tires are okay. Not looking forward to that, but it's needful. Tuesday is my official birthday, then Wednesday is Christmas and, may the gods have mercy on my soul, Cats.

Hat and Beyond

I had to take a break from the hat so I could just process for a bit. I did some fix work on it tonight, but I need to do more. A lot more. It has issues. I think it's too big. Maybe it will be better after it gets washed.

Now one thing I did enjoy out of this process was the yarn. It was a wool sock-weight yarn and it knitted very well. It crocheted well too. I know this because I just put it on another hat. The colors, even though they are not favorite colors of mine, were lovely in their projects. I am certainly pleased with the yarn.

We paid a bill and took out trash today. I also made my birthday plans, which will happen this Friday. It's a few days early,but that's okay.

I'm not happy with how Survivor ended, but honestly I don't think it could have ended in a way to please me this season. It was obvious people would be idiots and they certainly were. Oh well, perhaps next time.

I'll have a Blue Christmas

I called my sister-in-law today about the holiday stuff. I felt guilty doing this because what my side of the family does shouldn't be her emotional labor to figure out. And yet, it has been. It's the last thing she needs as she's going through some stuff with her own family. The problem being, in some ways it's almost more practical that she decides, as she is the person with the most stuff going on. She made a kind of desperate request for what we would eat and I agreed to it. It isn't what I want, not really, but I bet it's the only request she's made all holiday season.

A lot of people are feeling down about the holidays this year. I can understand why. It seems like every year people have more and more demands put on them. I mean, NOT ME, certainly, but the people with kids and other family members and stuff. I actually feel like I'm part of the problem because I have mobility issues and have to rely on others to help with my medical equipment. I'm grateful for the help, but I'm sure they'd rather I could fend for myself in this situation. So that sucks some energy out of their Christmas.

This year some people started posting "I will not" lists about things they will no longer do during the holidays. It isn't that they're being selfish. They just are too pressed and too stressed out about this whole thing. They will not buy a special outfit for the holiday. They will not stay sober just so other people can get drunk around them. They will not be the one who worries about if their partner's family gets Christmas cards.

It's easy to say "oh people just need to simplify the holiday and not worry about all that stuff." Easy to say, but not easy to do. My family was having trouble scheduling one evening to get together and open gifts. What is that like for people who have to schedule several of those events around Christmas programs and work events and work and after school activities and just trying to sit down and spend some time with your family? What is it like for people who are trying to do all of this while dealing with sick family members or being sick themselves? What is it like to do this while struggling through depression or SAD?

I'm actually shocked more people don't run away during December.

After a Productive Weekend

I actually managed to achieve my weekend goal as far as hat progress was concerned. I'm where I needed to be by today to hopefully finish this thing on time. YAY!

The weather is gray and wet. It made everyone in the house tired and nesty. Once we got home from shopping, we basically curled up under various blankets and tried to stay warm. Looks like we're in for a voorish Christmas.

The Middle of Hats

Okay so we're in the middle of the creative process where I'm actually working on the hat. I'm in the body of it now and I'm not, as of yet, hating it.

Read an interesting book earlier this week. I didn't like the end, but I did like the author's note because it reminded me of the existence of an old horror writer. In fact, everything I enjoyed about this book was the parts inspired by him and now I want to give him another shot.

My weekend will probably be mostly knitting and holding a cat....thus is my fate. HAH!

Yarn Santa

Yarn Santa came today and left yarn on my porch! Thanks, Ahna! I will eventually put all of it into something questionably useful. I also did holiday stuff with my best friend. We had fondue and then cheesecake. It was a cheese Christmas for us. Now I have the cat back on my shoulder and I'm to the next phase of my dad's hat. Next week is holiday stuff with the family and then the week after is my birthday and Christmas. I'm hoping all goes well.

The Ten Year Struggle

A while back, I posted about the decade. I was in a bad headspace about it, I think. I mean, let's face it. I've been in a bad headspace for a while.  My feelings of failure and lack of worth have been pretty intense.  This is depression and bad brain chemistry and just me forgetting some fundamental stuff.

Over the weekend, two Youtubers I started following this last year posted videos about struggles people have faced in the last decade. One was about a ten-year odyssey to get her novel published. This ended in triumph, although she points out that getting the book published does not mean it will do well, so that's still ongoing.

The other story was an interview with a woman who has been trying to recreate a famous dress. She's been working on this for years and facing various struggles with it. She admitted she's almost given up several times, but couldn't because this is the great passion of her life. The woman interviewing her reminded her that the setbacks with the dress were also learning experiences that led her to other things. It's a journey, and for these two women, who are both dress historians, the journey IS the most important part.

The video ended with footage of this woman watching this dress in the museum. Her awe in the craftsmanship was so clear, so beautiful. It was truly inspiring.

I'm trying to work on a hat for my dad. He requested it.  As I was messing with it last night, I ruthfully thought about my Process when it comes to making things. It's usually some variation of the following.

Start project.
Work for three hours.
Unravel everything and start over.
Work for three hours.
Unravel everything and change tool size.
Work for three hours and go to bed.
Wake up, unravel everything and change technique.
Work for three hours.
Unravel everything and change yarn.
Work for three hours.
Hate all of it but push forward.
Get halfway finished.
Unravel everything and start over.
Almost finish it.
Decide I hate it and put it aside.

So the process frustrates me. The stop/start. The redos. The indecision. You know, part of that is just me being a creative who struggles with her products. But more importantly, I think the biggest issue is that I stop being in the moment about everything. I stop remembering that THE PROCESS is what I'm doing. I stop enjoying the process because I focus too much on the outcome. That isn't the point of a hobby.

So I think my goal for the next decade is to embrace the processes of my life. Whatever is going on, I want to just find contentment in the fact that they are MY experiences and part of my story, even if they are frustrating me at the moment. I want to spend more time being in awe of things. I want to spend more time enjoying the people in my life. And I do want to make progress, but I want to keep in mind that even if you don't achieve the end of a goal, that doesn't negate the progress you did make.

The Vow

I've been talking to a lot of people lately who are going through things where either they or the people around them are in a position of being very vulnerable. Someone was telling me tonight about how they're having to come to terms with the idea of the mortality of a loved one and it's hurting them. It isn't just the idea that this person may die soon, but that death won't come in a graceful way. Already dignity is being stripped away. To me, that has always been the hardest thing about dying.

I guess I noticed this first when I was in high school and I watched my grandfather's decline. When I was little, I think I defined him by his strength and ability to handle things. I know it's how he defined himself. No matter what, he could find a way survive. But as his health declined, he lost his strength. Disease stripped away who he saw himself as. I think that was harder than his death for me.

I believe when we choose the Forever People in our lives, we should do so with a vow that we will see them through the darkest days. We should choose them with the idea that we trust this person enough to see us on our darkest days. Even though it isn't easy to look perfect or act perfect, I think even that is easier than exposing our weakness and humanity. 

"This is me. This is the nastiness that comes from my body. This is how I look crumpled on the floor. These are my tears. I trust you with all of this."

It's a lot.

I write this as I hold an old, scared cat against my chest. I guess she's decided she trusts me with her vulnerabilities too. Occasionally she claws me to remind me of this.

Quiet Day

We had an easy day today and caught up on some laundry. This was basically our only day to just hang at the house this week and we really needed it. Things have been busy and the end of the year is always kind of full.

My computer did a weird thing today. Everything got really slow and eventually turned off. Hopefully this is not a new habit it wants to have. I don't need death throws computer.

Emotional Zigzag

I was in a good mood for the last few days, but depression is trying to set in. I'm trying my best to fight it. Actually, depression isn't even the right word. It's more than that. I've been highly emotional.  I cried over a holiday episode of a show. I must have some weird hormone spike going on. Yuck.

Anyway, it's looking like I get a day to just chill tomorrow. I'm happy about that. I need it.

The Year of Magic Christmas

When my mom was 32, we experienced what she called "Magic Christmas." She was between husbands, both of her kids were in gifted, she had a 4.0 in her program at the junior college, and for once, things seemed to be going up.

She dug up a tree and put it in a planter. This was our Christmas tree. We had lights on the tree, handmade ornaments, and lights strung up all over the living room. I remember the house was warm that year. We watched a lot of movies together. Hell, we actually spent a lot of time together. Mom had friends who were sane and good. We spent time hanging with them and everyone got a little nice something for the holiday.

Until she died, Mom always talked about Magic Christmas like it was some kind of fluke in her life. She seemed to believe this one year was a point of joy and happiness based on, I guess, Random Number Generation. And, you know, sometimes that's how things are. A million things can go wrong on the holidays and it is quite sweet and noteworthy when everything is just smooth.

Of course, this isn't the case with Magic Christmas. The one overwhelming factor that made Magic Christmas the best holiday we ever had is that my mom HAD. NO. HUSBAND. She had no husband for the year before either, but at that point, she was still trying to get her footing after walking away from Marriage #3. By the year of Magic Christmas, she was finally healed enough to be happy. We were finally healed enough to feel safe. It wasn't a matter of chance that holiday was good. It was a matter of the main factor that usually made our holidays awful being gone.

I have trouble thinking about Magic Christmas and focusing on the beauty of it. For me, the whole thing is tragic because by the next year, my mom had destroyed everything good about that experience by getting married, yet again. In the space of one year, we were back to everything being chaotic and dangerous and awful. We would never live under the same roof again. Our live stories as people in the same household ended. We would see each other at Christmas in the years to come, but it would never be the same.

I try not to fall into the dark space left in the wake of Magic Christmas. Sometimes I can't help myself though. If only she would have accepted that it wasn't a fluke. If only she would have realized that we were happy because she was, at that point, not inviting Unhappiness into our lives. If only she had noticed that without her stupid, awful, abusive, lazy, useless, messy husbands, the three of us could thrive and accomplish and grow.

Ahh, oh well. My mother was 32 a lifetime ago. Hell, I was 32 a lifetime ago. I should let the bitterness go and just try to focus on what was good about that time. The thing is, even after all these years, I can't.

Post Thanksgiving Meal Analysis

One of the tasks my roommate and I have to navigate is how to handle holiday meals with just the two of us. We tend to get tired of the same stuff after several meals, so the whole 'let's cook big and just eat leftovers for a while' thing starts to go grow burdensome after about three dinners. Over the last several years, we've tried to find ways to make this work out better for us.

Smaller Portions

Okay, this seems obvious, but with Thanksgiving, it isn't always easy. In our area, it's difficult to find JUST a small turkey breast without it being expensive or questionable.  For a few years, we just tried doing chicken with stuffing, but even that got too big after a while. This year, we found a turkey breast small enough to suit our needs, but it still ended up being questionable.  It was pre-herbed with herbs we still can't identify. It wasn't BAD, just unexpected. I'm still not sure what they were going for with that herb blend.

Two Sides Only

This is a rule we HAD to do. Any more sides than two would cause more days of leftovers and we'd be sick of all of it. By deciding we would only have two small sides, we would be able to get through everything in a reasonable manner and not be tired of it in the process.

Now we've changed this up over the last several years. It's always 'sweet potatoes and something' though because we both love those at Thanksgiving. Now cranberry sauce doesn't count. It is an extra you get anyway. Same with rolls.

And here's a tip about this rule. If you find that you miss one of the other side dishes, have it earlier. I love that stupid green bean casserole and my roommate made it for me two weeks ago. I still had it in November, we did not have to dread it with all the other sides.

One Pie

This is a new rule, implemented this year. Before we always had two pies because our holiday pie tastes differ. The thing is, we're both eating less and certainly trying to eat less sweet stuff. We have been cutting back long enough to where this decision wasn't a hardship. We both knew it had to happen because neither of us wanted to face that much sweets. 

We picked a pie we both like and bought one on the smaller side. It was good and just enough to make the celebration nice and not so much that it made it a problem.  I've had issues in the past with really overdoing the sweets on the holidays. Admittedly, I'll probably still do that this holiday at one point or another, but at least for Thanksgiving, I didn't. Any reasonable handling of food is always better than my past history of awful handling of it.

I think holiday meals are a lot like sex in the fact that when it's best for everyone, it's due to there being a discussion about what everyone desires and what everyone can reasonably handle. At the end of the discussion, you create a plan that people consent to and go from there. It requires a little more honesty and connection, but in the end, it's worth it.