The Bitters

I've been having a lot of the bitters lately. Not biters. No one is biting me. No, this really is me just being in a generally bitter mood about everything. I almost talked myself out of seeing a movie by a director I love until I watched the trailer and realized I was being a bitter old bitch about it.

Then there was this convo with my best friend.

Me: I have to eat dinner with my family this weekend.
Her: Why?
Me: My dad is having his birthday. Hopefully it won't take too long. Thankfully it's in town.

Yes, I was seriously being this bitter about having dinner with my family. Dinner with my family. That isn't something to be bitter about. It isn't like it is dinner with my mom and grandma, which I never enjoyed, because, wait for it, they were both so bitter about everything.

Anyway, as I was explaining this to her, I scrolled past an FB meme that said, "A poem about me. I hate people. I wish I was drunk. The end."

If you notice me being bitter, realize I'm not meaning to be harmful. I'm probably not even aware I'm doing it. I'll certainly endeavor to be less bitter though I'm not sure how that will work out.

Maybe I'll just turn into a pickle.

State Stupidity

In Oklahoma's ever-expanding path of fuckery, they are cutting more and more out of the budget in places where people who truly need the money will be harmed. People who could actually handle losing a little money? Well, nothing is happening to them.

Every day, it's becoming more and more clear that the policies and ideals of the people who are in charge of this state don't work when applied to real life. They don't help. They only harm.

Creative Organization

I've probably mentioned this before but every time I see click bait about life hacks or organizational tips, I always look at them. Yes, I know we're supposed to resist click bait. I do not care. I love those things.

I don't use as many of them as I would like to, but the ones I do use are awesome. I try to keep large paperclips around my desk area for organizing chords. It really makes a big difference in  the level of clutter I have. Honestly, I need to get some more of them.

My shelving unit has lots of places for me to attach hooks. I did this for more hang storage. It was marginally successful. It probably needs some refinement. I would do more of the wall ones if my walls weren't made of ancient plaster and toothpaste.

I guess I love them because it's another place where you see so much human ingenuity. It makes me so hopeful for us when I see such creativity.

So if you have life hacks that you think no one would be interested in knowing, remember that some of us always love to see them. Post away!

Easter 2016

Wonky the Easter Bunny only got set out last night. Usually, we put out the holiday decoration before that, but this year, things have just been too weird. The weather feels all wrong. It's been colder this week than it has in a while. Cold with a side of pollen. No fun.

Our holiday meal was really good. My roommate, who shops better than anyone, found a great sale on the protein a while back. We had that, some sides, and great biscuits.  We also had a pie that was a bit questionable, but still a nice change.

I didn't knit that much today but I met the other personal goals. The next few days probably won't see much progress either, but I'll do what I can.  Most of the time, that's about as good as it gets.

Self Editing and Quandaries

I had to erase like half of my post last night because while I typed it out, it looked like the same kind of self-righteous stuff my grandmother used to say. Seriously, it was like she possessed me. I was shocked at how it sounded.

Not that I intended to sound self-righteous. I was trying to explain something about the realities of being poor. Seriously, that's all I was trying to do. But it did not come off that way. It came off as very, very snitty. Given that, I erased it and wrote what I hoped was a better version of the post.

It got me thinking. I wonder how often people who sound horribly self-righteous were just trying to explain something. Maybe they're not really trying to annoy the hell out of everyone. Maybe they don't really think they're grand and amazing. Maybe they're just trying to explain a certain standpoint and have no charm.

I think maybe I'll give people more of the benefit of the doubt on this. And I'll probably worry that this post is also sounding self-righteous.

The Bad Weather Gamble

It's Good Friday and for me, it actually was a pretty good Friday. I had some personal goals today and I accomplished them. I also napped really well and that was awesome. I've not been super great at that kind of thing for a while. One day of minor accomplishment is grand.

So our van has this issue on the passenger's side. It's really difficult to get it to switch over to hot air when winter comes. Once we finally get that side to blow hot air, we basically have to keep it that way until Spring. Any day when it's warm before that, you basically have to just tough it out. Well, last week we assumed we were in the clear for warmer weather and switched the stupid thing back to cool. Now I'm facing several days of 30s in  the morning. Sigh. This is going to suck.

I'm sure it's one of those things that could be fixed, but given that there is a solution to manage the problem (even if it isn't a great solution), I just can't justify spending money on it. When it breaks completely, sure, but for this? Nah.

So this means I'll spend some uncomfortable mornings in a cold ass van. Sometimes the gamble on the weather pays off. Other times, well this happens. But with weather as unpredictable as ours, you never know.

I Imagine Death so much It Feels Just like a Memory

Someone on FB posted this article today. I commented that I thought everyone felt this way. I wondered what it was like not to feel this way all the time.

I live in this grey area. I can distract myself from it, but it doesn't go away. I have music. I have my creative stuff. I have friends. All of that helps, but only so much as it keeps my mind off the darkness.

I seriously don't know what it's like not to feel this way. Do people honestly not feel this way? I'm being serious here. I always thought when people said they didn't feel at least marginally suicidal it was because they didn't want other people think they were being dramatic. I always assumed that deep down, they did want to die, they just didn't feel the need to admit it to others.

Maybe I was wrong. I don't know.

Quick Processing

My paperwork was turned in today. Interestingly enough, I was called later that afternoon and told everything was set. That is the fastest this has ever happened and on some level, it makes me paranoid. Then again, this whole process always makes me paranoid. I suppose finding out quickly is better than the one year where they never called and told me anything. This always makes me so nervous.

I got my yarn for the baby blanket. How can I describe them? Kind of Americana beach? The colors are blue, grassy green, and sand but all have a nice gray undertone to them. It isn't your traditional baby colors, but since when have I ever been traditional?

It was really windy today. This evening, it stormed for a while. Hopefully all of that will blow over soon.

The Yarn Artists

It's been a few years since I've really done anything with knitting looms. I saw a pattern I liked for a baby blanket possibility and decided to check it out. For about the next three hours, I fell down this glorious rabbit hole of technique advancements and tutorials. People have innovated so many things with knit looms. It's amazing!

For a long time, there was this perception that using a loom wasn't something to take seriously. After all, anyone could do it. Really, anyone. People would make tiny ones and have little kids use them. I bought a set for my 8 yr old niece.  I love that people pushed past that perception and really started exploring what one can do with a loom. And why not? If it's easier to grasp the basics with a loom than it is with needles, then it should give one more time to really innovate. And innovate people have!

The internet can be an awful place sometimes, but artistic communities are doing amazing things. The sharing, the discussions, and the support that people find there serves to really advance the medium. I am really in awe of the people who do this. I am also very grateful to them.

Spring 2016

This is the first day of Spring and it's actually a lot colder than it has been. We're supposed to get the lawn mowed tomorrow and I hope that happens. We have the whole 'first green carpet of the new season' going on. Have I mentioned I loathe nature because I basically do. All it does is grow, cost me money, and produce bugs. And heat. And random dogs that poop in the yard. I wrote pop the first time. Dogs popping in the yard would be SO much worse.

Anyway, I'm going to spend this week trying to sort some stuff out. I need to get that project ready and I need to fold a bunch of stuff and find out some things from th officials. Hopefully all will go well.

Needles and Comfort

One of my cousins posted a picture of her son with his favorite blanket. It happens to be the baby blanket I made him. This is the second time someone has said their kid loves the blanket I made them. It is kind of remarkable thing to have created something that someone else loves.

One of my other cousins is pregnant now. I should probably start on a blanket for her kid. I would do it now, but all I have is itchy yarn. Nothing nice and soft for a baby. It's been a while since I've knitted anything, but a nice knitted baby blanket is the best.

It makes me sad that I didn't do one for my best friend's baby. When she was pregnant, I was still in the nightmare of the cancer stuff. In it or recovering from it. Instead, I gave her MY baby blanket, the one I had as a child. It means a lot that I was able to give it to her, but I still wish I would have felt well enough to make her one. I would do it now, but she has blankets in abundance.

Anyway, I think I'll look at patterns.

Talk Less Smile More

So after HRC did really well in the last round of primaries, she did what any person running for president would do. She made some speeches. But because she's a woman, some people, well, quite a few people, reacted in a negative manner to this. They felt like her very vocally powerful speeches were objectionable.

They did not feel this way because of the content. Well, I am sure they disliked the content too, had they paid attention to it. No, this was more about the fact that she was being loud. They couldn't understand that a woman can make a speech in a powerful manner. That means she's just yelling at people. They also were offended because she didn't smile.

I have some questions here, for the people who complained about HRC not smiling and speeching in a pleasing manner.

Okay, first of all, have you never heard a woman speak in a bold manner before? Have they only ever been loud when they were angry or, I dunno, cheerleading? Do you not understand that, like the nonvagina people in the species, women can speak in an assertive manner too? I suppose this is altogether possible. I know that a lot of women, over the years, have edited how and what they talk about around men. Maybe you never actually have seen a woman do this before. Huh.

Even so, and this is question #2, do you not pay any attention to the current social conversation going on around you? Do you not know that if you mehmeh about how women aren't smiling enough, it's going to make people think you're an idiot? Now, I'm not actually SAYING you're an idiot here. I'm simply pointing out that this is how people will perceive you. For every person who adores your sexist bullshit, there will be a lot more who kind of hate you for it and will basically dismiss anything else you ever say. Maybe you don't care? I mean, that's fine if you don't. I just wondered if you knew this kind of social discussion was happening.

Third question, and maybe this is the one that cuts the deepest to the issue for me. If you are aware that women can speak loudly without yelling and also know that women really hate it when you tell then to smile when they don't want to, why did you still go and say this stuff about HRC? Were you just trying to nitpick at anything you could? Were you trying to toss whatever stones you could find?

Or is the compulsion to speak out when women aren't doing things that you find pleasing SO strong that you just couldn't help yourself?

Look, in some ways, I get it. I hate loud voices. Well, most voices, actually. With very rare exception, I truly hate listening to people talk. So I get the voice thing. I don't get the smiling thing, though. I think most people look creepy when they fake smile. But even if I did think people should smile more often, I still wouldn't demand it of them. No one has the right to do that. And even though most people's voices set my teeth on edge, I also know that I can't demand they speak more softly or just shut the fuck up completely. I don't have the right to do that to others and neither do you.

On the bright side, one day we'll probably go deaf. Then I won't have to hear anyone talk and you won't have to hear mean women saying mean things. Joy.

When the Obsession Ends

It's been several months now, but I still listen to the Hamilton soundtrack every day. I'm pretty sure I still discuss it with someone every day. I still sing some of it every day and I still have opinions about Arron Burr every day. In short, I find a great deal of joy in this, but the sad thing is that I know I'll eventually stop.

As I've mentioned before, I am a fickle obsessive. I get deeply into something, sometimes for a very long time . . . and then one day, I just can't anymore. I used to go to the ASoIaF boards EVERY DAY. I rarely go to them now. I'm not sure when I stopped. I just stopped. I used to love Naruto. Now it bores me to the point of feeling almost physically ill about it. When I was in college, my best friend and I used to watch Rattle and Hum ever single day. Then one day, we just didn't.

I'm just not good at commitment. At all. Whatever gene gives people dedication to things is missing in me. I can love something deep and hard, but not forever.

Admittedly, with some of the things I used to obsess about, I still have a lot of fondness for them. There are many authors I dearly love, even if I don't want to read their work anymore. There are bands I will say are my favorite of all time, even though I will skip their songs when they show up on my player's shuffle. It's a fondness, which is more than I feel for some things, I suppose. I just have no desire to make it an active part of my life.

And honestly, this may not explain why I'm single as well as some things do, but this aspect of my personality certainly makes me remaining single a good idea.

Giving Credit

I  think that maybe MAYBE I'm starting to adjust to DST. When I woke up this morning, I wasn't inclined to kill anyone. That's actually a little amazing because when I woke up, it was to my roommate informing me that the toilet was screwed up. Is there any worse news to hear in the morning when you haven't peed in hours?

My roommate thinks he's no good at plumbing, but he's actually very good at it. For one thing, he has a pretty good idea of what is within his capacity to fix and what isn't. For another, when he does fix something, it usually stays fixed. Most people are so ignorant of  'them fixtures with water in them' that they would have no clue if they could fix or not, much less the knowledge and skill to actually do the repair. My roommate has far more skill than he gives himself credit for.

I'm actually really impressed that he can do this stuff. I certainly can't. He's done repairs on the toilet, the kitchen sink, the bathroom sink, and the bathtub. I'm sure he would claim it is just minor stuff, but when you consider how much money that saved us, it's not minor at all.

I'm always very impressed by the plumbing voodoo. I'm also very grateful.

Idols at a Distance

We've been watching the show Magicians. Last night our unlikable main character found out some hard and awful truths about his favorite author. It shook him up, badly. I related to this because of the whole MZB thing. In fact, it brought back all of those memories and nasty bits of conflicting hell.

Ugh. It really is better to keep the artists you admire at a distance. People can often be deeply gifted at creating worlds or making stories. That doesn't mean they'll be likable people, or even decent people. Sometimes it means they may represent everything you hate about the world.

Is it really fair to the work itself to for it to be judged by the failings of the author? I know that may be an odd way to put it, but still. Sure, if the creator of the thing we love is still alive, we may be denying them some money by walking away from  their work, but what are we denying to ourselves? What are we losing by leaving the things that entertain, distract, and sustain us?

The Common Good

One of the biggest political buzzwords I hear is entitlement. When people say this, they usually refer to other people whom they believe to be taking things from the government that they shouldn't have. Or think they shouldn't have. Most of the time, it's about poor people or old people.

From my perspective, the problem is that people look at issues like welfare or public education or funds for higher education ONLY from the perspective of the person who would be getting the help. They get angry because they're helping to pay for health costs and job training.

But should they?

I started thinking about this after I read that some speaker at a Trump rally was talking about how we should do away 911 calls because people should solve their own problems and not be dependent on the government.  It's a nice idea, that we're all plucky and super resilient. It's also unrealistic.

For instance, if your house catches on fire, it's highly unlikely you'll put it out yourself, which means that that house next to you will probably catch on fire too.  Back before we have things like city fire departments, whole sections of cities would burn this way.

See, even though the people who directly get the money directly benefit from it, doesn't the rest of society benefit too? Aren't we all better off with people who are educated and healthy? Aren't we all better off when people have enough food to eat? When my grandparents were first married, the people with way too many kids and not enough money to feed them used to steal from all the neighbors. They'd use intimidation tactics to keep anyone from trying to stop them. There were no police to help anyone  either.

Look, I get that people who have to pay a lot of taxes get really annoyed when they see the propaganda about the entitlement people. And I will be the first to admit that some of those people ARE scamming the system. But not all of them, not even most of them. And if these people aren't spreading viruses to you or stealing your guns or grinning at you with their rotted out mouths, aren't you somewhat better off?

Still Bad

So Daylight Saving's Time still sucks. My roommate and I were so draggy today. It was hard. I hate this thing so much. Hopefully in a day or two, I'll be able to function again. You know, as much as I ever function. This is so much easier for cats. They just sleep through it.

The weekend was weird anyway. This election is getting so ugly. People are fighting and attacking each other. It's disturbing. I really wish this whole thing was over, for better or worse.   Kind of like how I wish DST was over with. Grrr.

Well This Sucks

Uggh. I was innocently watching a movie and looked up at the clock. It's almost 4 AM. I HATE Daylight Savings Time. It's already causing me problems.

I'll try to post something of significance tomorrow.

The Weird Noise

So the rain continues. It wasn't as bad today as it has been, but given that it may not stop until Monday, it's possible we could see some flooding. I'm okay with one bridge going out, but not both of them. I don't like it when my town gets stranded.

The rain is making me ache and screwing with my breathing. I think it's also screwing with my sleep. I had stress dreams all night last night. Seriously, brain, why do you do that? People are trying to rest! Why put them through stress at the same time?

It doesn't help that I got to hear a new weird noise last night. I didn't realize I'd not turned my music player off. I had some stuff on the calendar and apparently it beeps at you about half an hour before you have to go do something.

The last thing I needed in the wee hours of the morning was another annoying noise. Though I guess it's good to know the player can do this, just in case my phone dies. My phone is my usual alarm . . . if any alarm can truly be called usual.

Assessing Damages

It's been a month since I fell and took out the railing on the stoop. There is still a bruise on the place where the asphalt scraped my skill, but the cuts have finally all healed. The deep gash in my leg is almost healed. Another week or so and it will settle into whatever kind of scar it has decided to become. I still have a weird knot on my nose.

Hopefully, I won't have a repeat performance of the fall anytime soon. It's wet outside and I'm going to have to be out in it tomorrow. Send me good vibes.

IWD 2016

Today was International Women's Day. I really didn't want to deal with the backlash that this would cause on Facebook, so I basically avoided it. My Words with Friends friends got attention but no one else did. I just wasn't in the mood to see posts about how women should be thankful for the men in their lives or  how men should have a men's day (which they do) or whatever idiocy people decided to spew.

However, in light of the day, I will send out my own prayer to the universe.

In the coming 365 days, I hope that women around the world find joy. I'm not going to put conditions on that joy. One person's joy is another person's annoyance, after all. No, I just hope we all find joy. I hope there are days where we look up from whatever we're doing and realize we're truly happy.

I hope that joy fills our hearts, revives our spirits, and finds its origins in our souls. I hope there are nights when each of us has trouble falling asleep because the day was full of significance and sweetness.

Happy day, fellow women.

Living Through It

Today in therapy we talked about the PTSD book that is our next project. I'm glad she found one and I'm glad we're going to be starting this. As insightful as the relationship workbooks have been, one thing that has become very clear to me from reading them is how out of sync I am with my body. Being present is really hard. Being in the NOW is really hard. And if you've followed the blog of late, you know how I am about this. I've been caught up in other things. Not that this is surprising.

I cried today because when she asked me why I was feeling this way, I talked about a dream I had a few days ago. I dreamed the massive bloodhell came back. I dreamed I was laying in my bed and experiencing the grossness and pain of my cervix dilating so huge clots could push out of me. The dream was so awful because all of the aching and all of the horrors of having no control over the situation were back. When I woke up, I felt around on the bed to see if anything happened. Nothing had, of course, but the dream stuck with me.

After my mom died, I went through about a week of heavy bleeding. It ended and I thought nothing about it. When my grandmother died and we moved in here, things started getting weird with my body. My bellybutton is fake and I went through this strange time when it had blood spurting out of it. I don't remember how long this went on. A week or two? It was very disturbing and, honestly? Scary.

Then the constant bleeding began. Most of the time, it was manageable. I constantly wore pads and kept a tampon inside me. I had to change them several times a day. It never ended. But, as I said, on the good days, it was something I could live with.

On the bad days, it was rough. I would have to stay on constant edge, knowing that at any minute I might need to go tend to gushing blood and large clots. I never knew when it would start. There was no predicting when it would get bad. I can't tell you how many times I had to clean up puddles of blood from the bathroom floor. Every time I did my laundry, I would have to sit and spray the bloodstains on my panties. Every time.

Two years ago, when things got to the crisis point, the whole process became unbearable. I was basically bedridden for weeks. Until I was given the depo shot, I spent almost a month with my whole life revolving around trying not to bleed over everything.

And while the last part was the worst part, one thing I am finally coming to terms with is the fact that this went on for several years. I had to deal with this bleeding and scariness for several years of my life. Emotionally, that has left some scars. Mentally and physically, it was exhausting.

Clearly, I lived through it. I survived the hell my uterus put me through. I survived cancer. I'm so thankful I survived and I'm so thankful it's gone. At the same time, the trauma of it runs deep. Some of the deeper damage from my last fall is still manifesting in the form of bruises on my leg. The damage of going through the whole uterus ordeal is still manifesting its own bruises. I went through this hell for several years. It may take several years to really mend from it.

The Sim on Fire

I spent most of the weekend messing with my klepto sim. As her Mischief skill increased, so did her ability to steal more expensive and complex stuff. At first, she was just stealing decor items. Now she's stealing computers and, somehow, grand pianos. As much as I have no idea where sims keep their mops, I'm really confused about where one would hide a piano. Inventory Magic.

I toyed with the idea of making her a cop and letting her steal things from crime scenes, but then I remembered she wasn't evil, so opted against that. Then again, I did make her a mad scientist, which turned out to be even worse. She has a raygun that can freeze people and transform objects into other objects.

She has these neighbors she doesn't like. I let her go over to their house and turn all their toilets into chairs. She started on their bathtubs next and this is when things got out of hand. The gun has a small probability of setting things on fire. This happened, and suddenly, everything was stuck. I couldn't exit the lot. she couldn't do anything to fill her needs. And their house was on fire.

Basically, the whole floor of the house had burned before I remembered the freezing option on the gun can also freeze fire. I finally put the fire out, but by that time, most everything these two needed to live was pretty messed up. Then again, they are jerks, so . . . .

I have to admit, it was nice for fire to be amusing in the game, for once.

Music Identity in the Modern Age

Probably about ten years ago, I read an article about music identity. The author worried about the fact that people were going to stop identifying as 'punks' or 'rockers' or what have you because easy and cheap access to music was opening up more doors.  For most of the history of pop music, people had limited funds as to what they could purchase. They would buy the albums that worked in the genre they loved. They would build their musical identity around this.

The author wondered what kind of people would emerge out of a world where musical genre lines were blurred. What would happen when people could download a hip-hop song and have it in a mp3 file next to Queen or Nine Inch Nails or Elvis or Dolly or Miles Davis or Mozart? How would so much open access alter us as musical listeners, consumers, and creators?

A decade later, I think we see one glorious answer to this question. Lin-Manuel Miranda.

I watched a roundtable discussion with the cast of Hamilton. One of the questions posed to Miranda was how fans of hip-hop and fans of musical theater responded to him blending it together. He said that while there are some people who ONLY like hip-hop or ONLY like musical theater, most people are more interested in finding music that is GOOD, no matter what the genre.

Mind you, music, like food, has always been a constant blending and reblending of cultures and influences. What Miranda is doing is well within the tradition of how music evolves. It feels fresh because it's the first time in a long time someone has done something that is not only well blended but also brilliantly and sublimely composed. In this one soundtrack, hip-hop and traditional musical theater are woven together with Industrial music, with ragtime, with Motown, with Top 40 pop, with classical, with probably a little bit of everything else.

So what happens when we lose our narrow musical identities? We find new ways to be amazing.

Sim Theft

To avoid letting myself continue to fret about real life issues I can't control (see yesterday's post), I went back to the things I can control. You know, my sims. I continue to explore Windenburg and find interesting things about it.

For instance, there is this crazy guy in the park who sleeps on benches and gets into fights with people. I recently realized he's actually one of the richest men in town. He lives on my rich people island. This must be his performance art project or something.

I have a sim with the kleptomaniac trait. For a while, I was rather annoyed with this trait because it didn't seem to do much other than just make the sim anxious because she wasn't stealing anything. As I've raised her mischief score, I've noticed her stealing is more fun. For one thing, she now often does it on her own.  She also steals more expensive objects. She was a sim I'd reduced down to no funds so that I could force her to build skills and sell stuff.

It was a nice idea, but I really don't have to do that anymore. She's started stealing artwork. I've sold most of it. Recently that added up to enough for her to move into a nice house. She's always been a lucky sim though. I sent her fishing and she fished up a violin. Three times.

Maybe I can let her befriend the park crazy/rich guy. If she plays her cards right, she could end up owning a mansion.

Idiots in Charge

I continue to be completely annoyed with Oklahoma's political decision makers. I won't call them leaders because these people couldn't lead anything. Actually, I take that back, they're leading our state straight into the ground. Does that count?

First of all, they want to cut a lot of people off of Medicaid. It won't affect the disabled, elderly, or children, but everyone else will be considered. They say it will save us a great deal of money, which is only kind of true. It will save some money, but when you cut that many people from your Medicaid program, you lose money in federal matching funds. In fact, we'd be losing way more money in fed funds than we'd be saving from the cuts. So their wonderful plan is not only cruel, it's also ineffective and stupid.

Keep in mind that since ACA passed, people still have to show proof of insurance or be penalized. Normally, if people can't afford to pay, they can get subsidies to help them. But Oklahoma didn't take the subsidies, so these people who will be kicked off Medicaid will also face penalties for not having insurance and no way of affording it. And before you suggest they could get a job, most of these people are undereducated and have children. Poor people have a lot of trouble paying for childcare. Oklahoma doesn't offer any help in that arena either.

They didn't stop there! They also passed a law on Super Tuesday that would require schools to teach that abortion is the murder of a human life and wrong. Mind you, these are some of the same people who don't want anything about actual, factual sex ed taught in schools. They don't want to teach people how NOT to get pregnant (other than not having sex at all). They don't want to educate anyone about anything other than heterosexuality because they claim that is part of the 'gay agenda.'

So what do you call this? Do they not see that they're trying to force their own agenda down people's throats? If a public school is going to teach about an issue, it should teach the what the law says about that issue, not what some group of people think. Sure, various opinions can be addressed, but they shouldn't be pushed as 'the only truth.

TL;DR version: Oklahoma lawmakers believe themselves to be pro-life and, therefore, want anti-abortion things taught in school. Oklahoma lawmakers are also not REALLY pro-life because they want poor people to get sick and die.

So . . . the usual, really.

Quickie

Today was superlong and kind of rough. I woke up cold and I'm going to bed that way too. It's raining more than they predicted. This isn't much of a post, but just so everyone knows, I'm still alive. Talk more later.

She Lost Control Again

When I was really little, younger than three, my mother slammed her car into a telephone pole. I was in the passenger seat (no baby car seats back then, folks!) and knocked into the dashboard. We were taken to the hospital and most of this is all a blur.

What I do know for sure is that for years after this, I would have emotional triggers when we would drive over curvy roads. The wreck happened in a very, very curvy area and most of my impressions of the situation have to do with my growing fear and dread as we would go faster and faster over those curves. I think I was close to ten before I really felt comfortable about dealing with very winding roads. Given the roads I had to travel to get to college, I'm very happy I got past this.

Now, I'm not sure about this next part. It's one of those things that maybe I kind of knew but no one ever talked about. It's one of those things that went totally unspoken by the adults in my life other than in whispers. And honestly, I'm almost afraid to ask anyone.

See, the thing is, my mother always talked about this wreck with a lot of guilt in her voice.  She always said 'she lost control.' Not of the car, which would seem to be apt way to put it . . . no, this was just that she lost control. Was she drunk when we hit that pole? Was she high?

Today, I actually started wondering if maybe she was trying to kill herself. Like I said, much about this whole thing is a blur. I was so young. I remember her being very emotional. I remember her being very upset. The thing is, I've driven these roads and there is no logical way you could hit that telephone poll just by losing control of the wheel. There is no reason you would slam into a telephone poll if you lost your breaks, not when you could just turn into someone's driveway and turn the car sharply. My mother was a better driver than that.

Was she trying to kill herself? With me in the car? With no seatbelt? Was she trying to kill both of us?

Maybe I'm reading too much into this. I honestly hope I am. I'm a little haunted by it now. I should probably work up the courage to ask someone.