The Year of Savoring Beauty

The new year is here. We stayed home, ate pizza, and listened to music. After that, we watched British people baking. We ushered in the year with shots of liquor and chocolate. That was awesome.

Aside from my birthday goals, I think the main thing I want to focus on is the beauty of aging. Not just mine, but everyone's. Everything's. I want to enjoy the patina. I want to love flaking paint. I want to savor the scars that stand as proof of our survival. I want to love the dusty corners and the waterstained edges. After all, history is so much more interesting than newness.

As I've mentioned before, there are two paths to finding beauty. One is to admire how close something can come to a template or a standard. It is loving the symmetry of a face or the definition of a well-toned body.  There is an art to attempting to reach this standard and I do admire that art.

There is also beauty to be found in the ways that things (and people) drift away from that conforming standard, the ways in which they are uniquely themselves. It's why I always like to watch my scars change, look at how freckles and stretch marks alter my skin. It's the lines that create our fingerprints, the patterns of hair that cover us, the crookedness of toes or teeth or smiles. These are the things I want to watch this year. These are the things I want to savor.

Happy 2017. May the year bring you joy, security, happiness, and laughter.

Sinus Nasties

The sinus infection has reached that point where I've blown my nose so many times the skin is rubbing off. It constantly hurts now and it's constantly wet now. Uggh.

The year is almost over. This year has been stressful and bad, but I'm still not ready to let it go. The first of the year always scares me. I had two years' in a row where really, really bad things happened and now I'm kind of traumatized by the whole new year thing. Hopefully this year won't be bad, but I'm not making predictions.

Right now, I just want to get well.

Postcards from the Edge

Debbie Reynolds died the day after her daughter did.  She and Carrie had always had a complicated relationship. Publically complicated. Carrie wrote a book about it. They fought. They caused scenes. Carrie's dad had left them for Elizabeth Taylor. There were a lot of layers.

It was said that when Debbie died, her last words were that she wanted to be with her daughter. That really got to me. The connection between a mother and her oldest child is so intense. It isn't that other kids aren't loved, but that first one defines you as a mother. To lose that kid before you die.....I know that crushed her.

That kind of connection still defines me every day. I was my mother's first child. Even if I wasn't a child she loved or a child she wanted, I was still the one who brought motherhood to her life. Since I heard about Debbie's death, I've thought about that a lot and about the other first children I know. I thought about Sinead and how complicated her relationship is with her oldest son, which is sad considering the number of sons she has about how much she loves him.

I think I may be in grieving mode for a while.

Uprooted

I just wrote about George Michael last night and now Richard Adams and Carrie Fisher have passed as well. This has been a rough year for that kind of thing.

Fisher was probably my first hero. She was so strong as Princess Leia. She didn't let the idiot boys rescue her. She chose the one she wanted. She stood her ground. Later, she faced things in a public way that most people wouldn't talk about at that time. Drug use. Mental illness. Doubt. She never shied away from being HER.

Richard Adams destroyed me as a child. I watched Watership Down WAY too young. On some level, I was convinced that movie was just about suffering and bunnies getting their throats ripped open. He also wrote Maia, a book that I read while way too young. I learned all kinds of weird things about sex from that one.

As I get older, one of the things that really gets to me is how uprooted you can feel when people who shaped the culture of your childhood pass away. I will miss them both.

The Day After

My roommate and I are both trying to get sick. We don't want to get sick, but our bodies are doing their best to make us that way. My throat and ears are killing me. I'm sure it's a combo of the warm weather and general exhaustion.

I'm going to miss seeing my Christmas cards when we take them down. I've really enjoyed them this year.  We got a lot of beautiful ones. Our minimal decorations have always been a favorite aspect of the holidays for me, but I have to admit I enjoy how the cards add to it.

George Michael died and that is weird and sad. I was never a huge fan of his music, though one just admit the pop success of his solo work did a lot to shape the 80s. The man had a killer voice

Moreover, I admire his bravery. Michael was a victim of the kind of 'hee hee, he's GAY' witch hunts that happened during the later part of the 80s and into the 90s. Like so many other people, he had to pretend to be straight when he most certainly was not. When he finally came out on his own terms, it was a relief and a triumph.You have to wonder what he could have accomplished if he lived in a more open society the whole of his life.

Rest in Peace, George, you beautiful person.

Christmas Lessons

So what did I learn this holiday season?

I learned that I'm not allergic to Ulta makeup! This is major. Every other eye makeup in the world makes my eyes water. This didn't!

I learned that hair chalk is fun . . . but you shouldn't do it too close to your face.

I learned it's very hard to open a gift with oven mitts on. This was a game we played at holiday time with my dad's family.

On that note, I also realized we all get along better when we have more structure and activities.

Don't buy things in advance because plans can always change.

Too many activities can be really exhausting.

Traditions are awesome. My roommate and I go to see a movie on Christmas Day. We did that today. The movie was good and the company was grand.

If you don't like something served at a party, bring your own.

All I Want for Christmas is Rest

Another family gathering has come and gone. No one got arrested. I know I say that in jest, but with my family, there is always an element of seriousness to it. Dinner was good. I got a lamp from the Dirty Santa game. Overall, it was a good night.

Tomorrow my roommate and I will go to see a movie. Past that, my holiday stuff is finished until New Year's Day. I am so happy about that because I am tired. I'm not trying to be a Scrooge here, but I'm seriously tired.

I plan on resting as much this week as I can. I need it. I SERIOUSLY need it. I need to sleep and sleep and sleep some more. This is what I want Santa to bring me. Naps.

43

Today is my birthday. Does everyone get really emotional on their birthday or is it just me? Anyway, there are certain things I want to do with 43.

1. I would like to read more. I used to read so many books and now, that just doesn't happen like it used to. I want to start reading more. There are tons of books I really, really want to read (or reread) and I keep putting it off. I want this year to be a year full of books.

2. I want to continue to rehab my body. I want to get stronger and have better balance. Most of all, I want to be in less pain. The best way to get out of pain is to work on healing my body with rehab stuff.

3. I want to make beautiful things. I want to continuously work on something and have a lot of finished products by this time next year.

4. I want to experience beautiful things. A few days ago, a friend of mine and I were at the park. I watched the sunset on the lake and it was truly glorious. I want to take note of the beauty that happens around me.

5. I want to learn some new skills. The internet can be an amazing teaching tool. I want to learn new things about my chosen crafts in  the coming year.

6. I want to watch at least one concert a week. I love live music, but due to mobility issues and lack of funds, I really can't go to concerts. However, NPR has a whole series of live shows on their Youtube station. I want to watch at least one concert every week.

There are other things as well, but I'm thinking if I can accomplish these, those things may fall into place. We'll see how it goes.

Cards on the Wall

I think my arm scar may be doing a little more healing. It's been a very, very slow process with that scar, but occasionally, I'll notice a slight bit more of it has flattened out. It's always nice when that happens.

Today was a good day. I saw a dear friend I'd not seen in months and months. We stay caught up on social media, but it was good to see her in person again. It really made my day! Plus, she gave my roommate and I cards to add to the small but fun collection of 2016 holiday cards. I always enjoy how they look on the mantle. Eventually, I'd like to do some kind of display with them.

My grandmother used to put her cards in the kitchen. She would place them on the wall railing. I always loved this because it added so much color to the usual yellow of the walls. We can't do that because we have too much stuff along the wall already . . . and a lot of it heats up.

It's a memory about my grandmother that I will always cherish. She could be so dour about so many things, but when she added color or beauty to something, it always caught my attention. I'm thankful she gave that memory to me.

The Nature of Cats

The cats have a good gig going on here. We keep them warm. We feed and water them.  Every day they get access to a clean litter box. They would receive affection if any of them wanted it (most of the time, they do not).

This has to be the only reason they stay. It certainly can't be because they enjoy the company. My roommate dances with them. We gossip about them and the outside cats. They also seem to have some issues with me on a personal level. Mostly because they have so much more dignity than I do.

They prance with some level of grace. I plod through the house like a drunken Frankenstein's monster. Most of the time, their noises are adorable and beautiful. I sing songs to them, about them, bastardized from the melodies of other songs. They go to great lengths to make themselves look lovely as they lounge for their naps. I sit on my chair and look like that goblin king from the first Hobbit movie.

They also handle their nakedness better than I do. The cats are naked all the time and perfectly fine with that fact. It is their natural state, after all, and no reason for them to display any kind of silliness. Me? Well, today I walked into the living room before I put my shirt on. All the cats looked at me. I grinned and began to shake my boobs at them. Were it not for my roommate being in his bedroom, I would have shouted, "Look, kittens! Mama's got her titties out! Woo! WOO! WOO!"

I really did want to do that. Yes, I am about to turn 43.

Cold Sunday

It was freezing again today and we had ice/snow on the ground. I'm hoping that crap melts soon. I really don't need nature encouraging me to fall. I'm good enough at that on my own.

It's supposed to warm up over the next couple of days, so perhaps I'll be safe. We only have a few more days until my birthday. I'm hoping I have some emotional stuff sorted out by then. I feel like I've been spinning my wheels on some issues and I need to start really focusing on them, especially considering they're fun things that I WANT to do.

Right now though, it's just so cold.

4

The last few years, I've been kind of disappointed in December because it didn't really get that cold. This year, that isn't going to be a problem. It feels like it's four degrees outside and is technically only ten degrees warmer than that.  We're having to use both stoves and keep all the water dripping. Actually, in the bathroom, it's more like a stream.

So everything is cold and I'm cold. I still managed to walk today, but it was not a fun experience. We're about a week away from my birthday. Hopefully things will go smoothly.

Pacifiers

Around this time two years' ago was the trip to Tulsa where I had a panic attack so extreme that I broke out in hives. The hives basically lasted through the rest of the holiday season and they were not fun. That panic attack was one of the lingering ones where I still have vivid memories due to how awful it was.

Since then, I've learned to try and shore myself up for such ordeals. For one thing, my doctor gave me a med to take in case of panic. It's pretty extreme, so I avoid it at all costs. It basically puts me into Drowsy Mode for hours. I keep one of the pills with me when I to the Tulsa doctor, just as an insurance measure.

What I try to rely on above that is using techniques to quiet my mind and emotions. I keep some soft material with me to rub against my fingers. It allows me to focus on the comforting sensation of the material, which helps to reduce my nervousness.

A new technique I learned from the show Bull was to count numbers out of order. The mind doesn't like to do this, so it will slow down to try and sort out what is happening. I'll also recite the alphabet backward. I know some people are really good at this, but I always have to think about it. Again, it pulls my thoughts away from the anxiety into a more ordered and rational place.

It's difficult for people to change habits or behaviors, but I think brain chemistry is very helpful in cases where this does succeed. I think it's one of the reasons why it's always easier for me to exercise if I'm annoyed with something. Hah!

Various Thoughts on Sims

I think the population levels have really improved. Each new town always added SOME new Sims, but the latest version has really added a lot. It makes the whole thing feel far more real.

Until just last week, I never realized you could alter the size of people's feet. You can! Now everyone is going to have massive feet in my game.

I also did not realize until last week that you can kill children. One sim made a nasty batch of pufferfish. Several people ate from it, including one kid. All of them died (except for the father) including the kid. I've yet to see her ghost wandering around.

I really kind of hate friendly neighbors who show up all the time and want attention. My sims need to skill, you bastards. They don't want to talk to you.

Of all the places sims can go, mine end up at the gym the most often. Maybe because this keeps all the other sims in good shape too.

Windenburg continues to be the most beautiful place.

Battling the Gray

Today was gray and depressing. I'm not sure the sun ever really got past the clouds for more than just a few minutes. The grayness made it feel colder than it was and it left my mood in the shambles.

To combat this, my roommate and I have been binge-watching the last season of The Great British Bakeoff.  It's very relaxing to watch people compete just to see if they can accomplish the task as opposed to competing to win money. On GBBO, you only win a plate and a title.

For me, it's also very satisfying to watch people create things that turn out well. Some of the recipes they do are very complicated. The look of pleasure they have when they accomplish their tasks is just glorious. I love that kind of thing.

Unexpected Disruption

Therapy didn't happen again today. It's been several weeks now. Some of that has been my fault, some of it hasn't. Next week will be a miss too because I have something else I have to do that day. It's looking like I won't have therapy again until the first of the year.

Other than that, it was a kind of strange day. It was overcast and kind of chilly, but then again, I walked in shorts and didn't get cold. It was actually colder in the house than outside. I sat with blankets on me all day, but, again, with shorts on underneath.

I was in less pain today than I have been in a while. That was very nice. My roommate and I talked about how some of my pain is due to injuries (one from when I was a kid, one from when I was in college) that weren't really handled well at the time. Things healed back incorrectly. It's something I've learned to live with, but it still isn't fun.

I'm trying my best to stay positive. This isn't easy. As you know, I always feel a deep sense of dread this time of year. Is it birthday related? Possibly. Hopefully things will proceed with a nice lack of drama.

Good Weekend

I have to go to Fort Smith tomorrow and I'm feeling so much better than I did the last time. I may not feel that great in the morning, but at least for right now, I'm doing okay.

That isn't to say I'm completely out of pain. I'm not. I'm always in pain. It just isn't as bad as it could be. One day, hopefully, that will change. I look forward to that day.

My roommate bought some dehydrated okra, which is way more delicious than it has any right to be. Things were quiet and I made progress on my gifts. I think this counts as a good weekend.

A Good Day

I made some progress today. I finished a portion of one of the projects I'm working on and managed to do my rehab for the third day in a row. I also folded our six billion towels. I'm kind of achy now, but it's okay. I know I did Things. It's a good ache.

My plans for the week are to finish the project and then start getting prepared for the Christmas stuff. The year is almost over. Wow.

The Good Things

So this is the last month of a weird year. This year has brought a lot of pain and misery to people, down to the fact that all the December holidays are falling on the weekend. Uggh.

However, in the spirit of trying to be a little positive here, I'm going to list the things I have gained this year, even if some of them came at a cost.

• I have a new fridge! I couldn't afford it and I certainly didn't want to replace it, but hey! Here we are! It was a bitch to get it delivered and into the house. It was a bitch to get the ice maker to work. And yes, I know I'm still complaining. I'll stop. New fridge!
• I have new gas pipes. Again, didn't plan  that, but here they are. No one died in the gas leak and the new pipes should last a long while. Yay.
• I have a different car. No complaining here at all. I love Blair. She's the best.
• I have a new ottoman and it has storage! That means there are more places for me to put yarn.
• I learned some new knitting techniques. I won't say I mastered them yet, but I learned them and actually enjoy doing them and feel confident about them.
• I don't have to go to the cancer doctor for a whole year! There is no end to how happy that makes me. 
• We will be ending the year with all the cats and all the humans alive. Something to always be celebrated. 

On a more pessimistic note, I really hope I don't look back at this post in two weeks and think about what a fool I was.

Rehab

There was less pain today. It wasn't a significant drop in pain, but enough of one to where I could fairly well function. I'm taking some steps to help curb the pain. The steps aren't fun, but rehab never really is. Still, I had success when I rehabbed my elbow.

I'm really pleased with the work on my elbow, actually. It sometimes still gives me a bit of pain, but after a few days of doing the routines again, it goes back to being okay. In fact, I had to work on it after Thanksgiving because my cousin insisted on sitting right next to me on a narrow loveseat and I had to keep my arm really stiff so we both had room. By the time she left, I was already starting to feel the pain. I managed to handle it though.

Still, it was a good reminder that even though the elbow is better, it isn't in the same condition it used to be in. Such is getting old while clumsy.

Pain and Fortune

I didn't post yesterday because I was in too much pain. My back decided it had to protest being part of my life. To be quite honest, I was just about to agree it could move away. Things were painful for hours and hours.

It wasn't the worst pain I've ever been in, but it certainly wasn't pleasant. The sciatica is more painful, but at least it numbs after a while. This was a tenseness and I know it was due to all the stuff that happened the day before. It's just hard to relax my body when it wants to protest like that.

Even still, I pushed through and did the stuff I needed to do. As a reward, I came home to discover one of my cousins sent me a little cake of cashmere yarn. I've never owned such fanciness. Hee!

Health Progress

As much as I was dreading today, it turned out to be good. My bff and I had a good time with the activities outside of the appointment, and the appointment itself was awesome. I have a new doctor and he is excellent. He shook my hand. He looked me in the eyes. He spoke to me at length about my situation and answered the questions I had.

Best part? I no longer have to go every six months! I have been upgraded to a once a year person! I can't even begin to explain to you the level of relief this gave to me. I could have cried. It was so nice to see a bit of progress in terms of the backside of this surgery. It was a glorious feeling. I have a feeling I will sleep quite well tonight.

Speaking of sleep, last night I dreamed my mom's first house never burned. It had just been abandoned due to neglect. I dreamed I went back there and found all kinds of neat stuff she'd left for me. It was an oddly comforting dream.

Sunday Night

I think my main consolation right now is the idea that 24 hours from now, the doctor's appointment will be over with. I won't have to deal with another one for a while and the tension can melt away. I really wish I could get away from these appointments being in December. I have enough going on without adding this to it. Probably no way I can get around that one.

At least I'll be able to sleep. I'm already tired. Sometimes I have a lot of trouble sleeping before these appointments. Hopefully this won't be one of those times.

Anyway, that's all for now. Wish me luck.

More Dread

Day after tomorrow, I have to go to Tulsa Cancer Center again for another follow up appointment. I don't want to go. I never want to go. I just want to stay home and assume the cancer is still in remission and everything is okay. In fact, I'm pretty sure that will be the case. It isn't even what I'm worried about.

I just don't want to be naked in front of people. I don't want them touching me. I really truly hate that.

In fact, it occurred to me the other day that as an adult, I've done just about as much as one person can do in order to make themselves not appealing sexually or romantically. This didn't depress me. It amused me and made me feel safe.

And yes, that bespeaks to a lot of underlying issues. But I'm not in therapy for nothing.

The Trouble with Tribalism

Someone on my Facebook list posted this rant about how wrong the Catholic Church was for giving aid and comfort to Islamic refugees. They said that any acts of terrorism past this point would put 'blood on the hands' of that church. The comments were worse. People speculated about how this was all just some money scam by the church. Why would they help the Islamic ones instead of insisting on helping the Christians in that area?

Some Catholics, who seemed pretty baffled by all this vitriol, tried to explain to the others that they were being pretty hateful. They were shouted down. One of them commented that they were used to seeing anti-religion stuff from the Left, but to see it from the Right was new. They were told they needed to get an education and understand what their church was REALLY doing. You know, based on the fearmongering articles the others were using.

I'm no Catholic, but it seems very clear to me why the church would do this. And it isn't about gaining money or whatever else crazy reasons the people in the comments section were coming up with. They were doing this because it's the basic mission of the church.

You know, the one where Christians are supposed to reach out to those in need? Show the love of Christ? Minister to the lost and hurting? Yeah. That mission. I seriously doubt the church was refusing to take in other Christians. However, if they had limited resources they might not make them a priority. At the end of the day, the church is supposed to focus on the spiritual health of those around them and the Christians were in better shape than the others. They already know Christ. They will have him to sustain them through their trials.

Is it possible that one of the people who is helped will become a terrorist? Yes. Is it more possible that some of these people will begin a path toward a relationship with Jesus if they see his love manifesting in his followers? Yeah, I would say so.

The Right is trying to balance this idea of extreme tribalism with Christianity and those two just don't mesh, no more than Christianity and Ayn Rand mesh. Again, this isn't really my playing field, but for the people on it, they need to consider what their true priorities are going to be.