Heroes And the Lack Of

Content Warning: Discussion of Child Abuse/Rape

Sometimes I wonder if I think about the fact that Marion Zimmer Bradley raped children and helped her husband do the same thing. Every time I think about it, it just makes me feel sick and disgusted and honestly betrayed. 

Today I found out that David and Leigh Eddings had abused foster children during the 1970s. They spent a year in jail after it was discovered that their foster son was being kept in a basement, in the dark, and severely beaten.

What the fuck was my childhood? 

I mean, I was abused. I was neglected. I was treated like shit and ALL THREE OF THE MAJOR WRITERS who were my escape from this had done the same thing to other children.  ALL THREE!

What the fuck is wrong with people? Look. The first impulse that you have to harm a child is THE MOMENT you make the decision to stay as far away from them as possible. You're an adult. If you feel the desire to do things to children, get away from them. Never go near them again. 

If they're your children, make arrangements for someone else to take them. If they're not your children just stay the hell away. All you have to do is NOTHING.

Issues of Balance

Okay. For anyone who is very fat, there are some odd things that happen when you start losing weight. I don't know if this is the case for people who have only a bit of weight to lose, but I guess that it is because, well to be fair I only have lost just a BIT of weight (so far), and given that, this information would still apply.

We navigate through the world with the space we take up in it. Our size dictates how we will interact with the physical world around us. When you're used to a certain weight, a certain size, you grow accustomed to a certain way in which you do things. When you start to lose some of that weight, it can mess with your perception.

For instance, for about three weeks now, it's been weird to drive my car. There was something about the way I held the steering wheel that was throwing me off. I felt like I couldn't get my bearings. 

Today, I had to lower the steering wheel while I was parked. When I started driving again, I didn't remember to adjust it back up. When my roommate pointed this out to me, it was kind of a marvelous thing.

To begin with, it meant I'd lost enough weight to where I could handle the wheel being lower without it touching me. This has never been the case before. But also, and more importantly, lowering the wheel was actually more comfortable for me all the way around. I felt centered in a way I'd not in a while. 

I realized it was because my arm position was stabilized. With the wheel lower, my arms were more in the position they were usually in back when I was fatter. Everything just felt so much more comfortable. 

Now, this isn't just a subtle brag about me losing a little weight. It's an example of the kind of thing you need to remember that will happen when you're altering the shape and size of your body. It isn't just your clothes and your walking that will be different. Everything is going to be different. 

Admittedly that can be a little overwhelming at times. Just remember that you will adjust. 

Not Happening

Facebook is rolling out its paid subscription thing in Australia and New Zealand. I'm really hoping enough people in those areas flat-out refuse to pay that the Zuck realizes this is a very bad idea. 

I refuse to pay for Facebook. I refuse to pay for any social media. That isn't the POINT of social media and everyone should know that. The people who run Facebook are some of the richest people in the world. They don't need more money from people just so they can get their ivory backscratchers. 

Finished and Pleased

I completed the last fic for Maedhros and Maglor Week. Even though I'd written most of the stories ahead of time, the last installment was down to the wire because I kept rewriting it. It just didn't have the feel I wanted for the end of the story arc.

Last night I finally realized how I needed to finish it. I worked on that for a while and then finished it this morning. The ending felt better than the other stuff I'd written.

I still like that other stuff and plan on posting it later. I did some interesting stuff with it, but it as too emotionally hopeful for what I was going for.

Start of the Meds Week Again

Today wasn't that easy. I was lowkey nauseous most of the day and food wasn't easy. I managed to get through all the stuff I wanted to do, so at least that's good.

I have some paranoia right now. Not sure if that's the meds or just the switch back to darker weather. It's twitching me out and making me not want to publish anything else for a while. And yet, I will. 

I have two more days of this challenge. Almost everything is written. I need to revise the one for tomorrow and finish up the one for Saturday. Looks like I'll get all seven stories finished though. So yay. 

Observations

Two things have been going on lately and I'm not sure if they're related to the meds or not. 

The first one is that I'm having a lot of trouble watching videos where people are holding cameras and moving. It's always made me a little dizzy but lately, it's been making me super dizzy and I'm really to the point where I can't do it anymore.

I love travel videos like that but I can't keep making myself nauseated every night. That just isn't a good way to live.

The other thing is that I've been really wanting to add heat to my food. Not from peppers though. I still don't like peppers that much. I want the heat from horse radish. That has been making me SO happy. I'm using a lot more Wasabi than I ever have before and even adoring it after I burned out my nose for a few seconds. 

Anyway, like I said, I'm not sure if those things are related to my meds or not, but I did think it was important to note them. 

Windy Night

I've not blogged in a few days. I was busy working on fics. Things have been fine. I've been mostly in a good mood. My body's been doing okay outside some bouts of insomnia. 

EA put out a new landing app for Sims. I hate it. It's annoying. I'll probably get used to it and not care, but right now it's on my last nerve. 

Maedhros and Maglor Week 2023

I'm writing for Maedhros and Maglor Week. My first fic was up today and it's done pretty well. I received good feedback on it. I'm going by the prompts, but I'm doing the whole week as a series of connected fics based around pivotal points in the brothers' lives when they basically had to rely on each other or, at the very least, got each other through whatever was happening, by whatever means necessary. 

I really like these weeklong challenges and I'm glad I'm doing another one. I've had no trouble with inspiration or ideas and the stories are coming together pretty well. 

Claim Your Humanity

This is the thing I hate most about binary gender norms.  It's dehumanizing. 

Hear me out.

Because we focus so hard on gender and everyone filling a certain ROLE within gender, usually a very restrictive role, we ignore the fact that basically everything we assign to one gender or the other is, in actually, something that EVERY HUMAN can do.

It isn't masculine to grow body hair. Any human is just as likely to have body hair as any other human. The differences in the amount usually have more to do with genetics and not with gender. 

Caring for children is not a gender thing. Any human is capable of that. Defending yourself or others is not a gender thing. Any human can do this. Any human can be successful at these things.

Anger is not a more masc emotion. Sadness is not a more femme emotion. All humans are capable of both and the idea of one being acceptable to one gender and not the other is just social conditioning. It's all lies and manipulation.

We are human first. We are human before all of the rest of this. When someone says stupid things like 'women don't poop' or 'women can't fart' or 'men are failing if they feel vulnerable' it isn't just ignorant, it's dehumanizing.

People are entitled to the fullness of the human experience. Stop prioritizing cultural bullshit over that.

Meds

I got my next round of meds today. After all the trouble people were having over finding them, I'm happy my prescription is at the lowest dosage. It's the easiest one to find. 

Things were pretty good today. I managed my food well enough. I do love the days when I just feel full and fine about things. I still marvel that most people feel this way all the time.

I do notice there is a strange side affect sometimes in that when I think about certain foods, my body instantly rejects even the concept of them. This is helpful. It means I won't get into a situation where I request a certain meal that I used to enjoy and suddenly realize I do not want it. As things stand now, I know a lot of things I don't want ahead of time.  

Normalizing Not Being Annoyed

So there is a trend now where people are having events that are child-free. This is especially true for expensive events like weddings, where children have notoriously been a source of annoyance and chaos. 

Some people hate this. Some people think it's unfair to the parents or the children. I disagree. The parents, if they are honest, will probably have a better time at the event if they're not trying to wrangle children. The children will be happier not having to be made to mind longer than they actually can. 

Some people say this isn't a good thing because children need to learn to behave in more adult settings. Okay, fine. But those settings can be set up by their parents. They shouldn't be taught those lessons at the expense of someone else's event.

Better

My wrist felt better today. Most of the pain has disappeared and I'm happy about that. I have therapy on Wednesday and I need to review the material because it's been about a month since my last session. 

I've been nervous and noncreative the last several days. I've had stress dreams and felt strange about things. No idea why outside of the usual SAD stuff. 

The Motions

I wish I could say I'm enjoying this season of Drag Race, but I'm really not. I don't HATE it, but I don't love it.

It's nothing against the cast. I feel like this is more of a production issue. They have too many people competing this time and haven't given us a chance to really know them. 

Moreover, it seems like not much thought was put into the challenges. Sure every season has some expected challenges and ones that repeat, but even still those challenges feel new and fresh. It seems that all of these are just rehashes of old stuff. It's boring.

We still have a lot of queens on here so the season could surprise me. But so far it hasn't. Hopefully that will change.

Dark

It was so dark all day. It rained and rained and rained. It was depressing. It's staying a little cold as well. I did not enjoy this. 

I used to like the rain and dark a lot more, but as a kid, we didn't lose power as often. That rarely happened, actually. I guess the systems were newer then and they've mostly been neglected since then. 

Anyway, we had to run some errands. They went okay. We didn't do everything we wanted but that's fine. It will happen when it happens. 

Pacing Ourselves

We had some plans this week but it doesn't look like they'll happen. It's supposed to be pouring rain tomorrow, possibly flooding. There is no point in taking extra risks or making ourselves uncomfortable. Things will happen when they can.

My hand has been hurting for the last few hours. I had no idea why until I remembered I'd tried to do some stuff with my exercise band last night. It's frustrating but fine. Trying to reintroduce my body to physical activity will be A PROCESS and I know this. There will be some trial and error and pain.

One of the keys to my life right now is that I have to be patient. The meds are amazing, but the results are slow. They build over time, but I need to remember that what took years to put onto my body will take years to remove. Like the plans, like the new physical activity, I just need to realize that all of it will happen in time. I'm doing what I can. Hopefully, that will be enough to find me in a better situation 5 years from now.

Years of Connection

On the way to shopping today, we passed our old mechanic's shop. My roommate noted that it seemed like they had no customers. This didn't surprise us. They've been going downhill for years now. I walked away from them a few years ago and my roommate has done the same. They just aren't as good as they used to be.

It's difficult though, to leave businesses you've used for years. When we were at the mailbox place, I thought about how I'd had that mailbox since I was in my 20s. I've used my bank and my insurance since I was in my teens. It's so odd to think about how I have decades of connection to these places. 

One of the odder things about getting older is the strange vertigo of knowing you have so many years behind you, so many years spent interacting with people. And yet, at least in my case, I don't feel truly connected to them in the way that, say, my grandparents did. My grandparents both served on the board of the insurance company we use. They went on trips with them and went to their functions. I just don't feel that's my place.

My grandparents were so much more social than I am, so much more politically connected. My grandmother knew most of the state politicians for a long time and even some of the national ones. I can't even imagine doing that kind of thing.

I think for me, as always, even with years of established relationships, I'm always going to feel on the fringe of things. It's just who I am. 

Accomplishment

When I was in middle school, my mom took me to a dietician. I was told to keep a food journal. I didn't do it and she kicked me out of her office. I get that she was busy and that she probably assumed I was wasting her time because I couldn't do even this minimum thing, but I think she was in the wrong. She should have sent me to a therapist to figure out why I wouldn't do the journal instead of assuming it was just because I was being a stubborn fat bitch child. 

Ever since then, I've been weird about the food journal thing. On any occasion when it was suggested, I just completely blanked about it and informed the person who brought it up that I absolutely would not do it. It wasn't an option.

So for the last month, all on my own, without any prompting, I've kept a food journal. I did it for the practical reason that I needed to see what I was eating. 

And yes, I understand that was the point the whole time. That was the thing others were trying to get me to do. Well,it was kind of what they were getting me to do. Let's be honest, when it comes to food journals and other people seeing them, there is also this element of confession to it. There is an element of them bearing witness to the true justification for why you look the way you do. There is a nakedness to it that I never could quite get past. 

Now I'm keeping it to make sure I get enough protein. I'm keeping it to analyze what works for me and what doesn't. I'm keeping it to consider my comfort levels and what needs to be adjusted. 

I'm sure there is a level to which I was being too harsh about the whole thing before. Maybe. I'll admit I just never really trusted other people's motivations where my weight is concerned, mostly because they wanted me to perform an almost impossible task to make them happy. 

Yes, I understand there are very practical health reasons why I need to lose weight, but when it comes to most people, I've just never really felt like those practical reasons were their motivation. It always felt more like they were trying so hard to make me obey. 

That's really caused a lot of problems for me and I'm trying to correct those problems now. The physical WANT for food is so quiet now and that's amazing. The psychological reasons for not obeying are loud and more difficult to contend with. I AM contending with them, but sometimes it's exhausting. 

I still have a great deal to unpack about this whole matter.

Bleak

I started reading a fic I'd let slide for a while. It was very enjoyable. It's still not finished, far from it, but catching up was a lot of fun. I also published on my own AU and have some ideas for how to continue that.

My roommate talked about things being on a coin's edge lately and I get that. The government is constantly trying to screw up our lives with their conservative ideas. The weather could have done some nasty stuff to us. I'm in this place where for once in my life I'm losing weight and it scares me because I worry that it will somehow just stop. 

I know things have been fraught before. I know that I went through a lot of trauma when we lived in the trailer and work wasn't happening for me. I felt like such a failure then, and there was this constant fear of bills not being. It was a horrible time for me and I still have no idea how I got through it.

Then again, it seems like there were a lot more distractions then. It seems like things felt better, easier. It seems like people weren't so completely hostile. Maybe it was just easier when I was younger. Maybe I had more spoons back then. 

Melt

The ice started melting yesterday and by this morning we were able to run our First of the Month errands. Everything seems to be back in order ish, which is nice. Hopefully, the snowicehell will stay away for the rest of the year. We've got all we needed. Thanks. 

There is still a lot of snow and ice in people's yards. It's probably going to take several days for everything to dry. It's a start though.

Frigid Wednesday

I'm writing this early because it's possible we'll get more ice. This time it may be enough to knock the electricity out. Hopefully not, but just to be sure, I thought I'd post before ten.

I hate this weather so much. I like it when winter is a little gray and ugly and cold, but not when the snow and ice and other slickery stuff starts. It's just too stressful.