Hottest Day So Far

I mean, it's the hottest day of this year, anyway. So far. We're managing the heat okay (for the most part), but sleeping is a little difficult. It should be back in the sixties tomorrow night so maybe that will make things better. I managed to take a nap today, otherwise, I would probably be pretty laggy by now.

We tried some new meals the last two days. We both liked one, we both hated one, and I liked the one while my roommate hated it. I think we both needed the novelty though. When it's hot, you make what fun you can. 

Good Chills

I've read some really good horror fiction lately. Fanfics can work wonders with fandoms that aren't really horror in the genre but lean into those themes. In fact, I've read some stuff that outright disturbed me. That's something I always want in my horror.

It's making me want it to be October. I'm already starting to see some Halloween posts on FB and a sense of real longing is hitting me. We need a good Fall this year. Last year was bloody awful.

Summer Reflections

The heat is in that place where it's basically zapping our energy. We went out for a few hours today to an appointment and by the time we returned, we were just DONE for the day.

August is almost here. It's going to start out really hot but hopefully, it will calm down. At least maybe the humidity will burn off. That would be nice. 

We're adjusting where fans go in order to try and get some cooler air to parts of the house that seriously need it. The kitchen and bathroom are pretty rough right now. We're doing what we can to keep them tolerable. A better cooling system would be nice, but that costs a lot of money I don't have. We'll do what we can with the fans.

Ending the Month

Looks like the end of July is going to bring with it very hot temperatures. This means we'll have warmer evenings and nights. That's never fun. At least it's the end of the month and closer, eventually, to Fall.

Speaking of the darkening of the year, I've been doing some more research on handling my Seasonal Affective Disorder. I think I did well last year. The SAD was still with me, but having light therapy helped. This time I think I'll add music to it as well. 

I think what helped the most with the SAD was that I worked on it almost every day. Some days I didn't, because I felt the light levels were good enough, but most of the time, the lightbox was with me for whatever half hour or so I could handle it. 

It's hard to say exactly how well it would have worked in a normal year. Last year was far from that. There were a lot of deaths. In my family, one death was prolonged and painful and the other one was sudden, shocking, and very jarring. Both of them wrecked me in different ways and I threw myself into fandom and denial to keep some sanity. For the most part, it worked. I'm thinking that the light therapy probably kept me out of Depression enough to be able to make that pivot into fixation instead of sinking into despair. 

Hopefully, this Fall will be easier and I can have a better idea about how well the therapy works without all the Extra that last year seemed to feel it needed to pile on top of everyone. 

Group Singing

I've been listening to a lot of primitive/folk music. One of the aspects of it that I love is how it's quite often performed by a large number of people. Instead of A drummer, they will have several people playing different percussion instruments. Instead of A singer, there will be many voices either singing together or singing various parts. This creates a lot of energy in the music.

It also breaks with some of the modern ideas about who is ALLOWED to do music. In large group-sings, not everyone has to be talented. If you don't have a beautiful singing voice, you can add your voice to the drone tones. If you can't play an instrument or if you don't own one, you can bang on your shield or sticks. Every bit contributes to the whole. Everyone gets to be involved. I love that.

The Deep of Summer

Today was the first morning I woke up hot. So far summer has been mostly pleasant in the mornings. Not today. I suppose it will be that way for a while, but then again, it's almost August so I shouldn't complain. 

I did nothing to learn about the new phone last week. I just couldn't make myself watch the videos. I'll try again this week. Maybe I can at least learn ONE of the things I need to know about it. 

Masters of the Universe dropped this week on Netflix. It has a lot of potential, but I don't think it was handled well. It needed several more episodes and certain character/plot motives fleshed out. I don't like all of the voice choices and there are aspects of the art style that annoy me. I'll watch the next season, assuming it gets one, but I expect better things.

Warner Brothers Issues

I guess this is further thoughts on the Dune movie. The people who do videos about sci-fi content did what they always do after a trailer comes out. They talked about the movie and used the content from the trailer to point things out. 

Warner Brothers is trying to take the money that any of these streamers/vloggers made for what is, essentially, free marketing for them. Not only do these content creators risk losing the revenue, but they are also at risk of getting a strike against their channel. Three strikes and your channel will be deleted. Given that, most people are going to back off from hyping the movie. 

This is disheartening. This is rather evil, honestly.  

Ten Thoughts on the Dune Trailer

The second Dune trailer dropped today. I realize I've talked about how I hate the way trailers have become Events...yeah but I was still happy. I could say a lot of things here. I'll limit it to ten.

1. I love the music. I read somewhere that music is a big deal for this movie. They even invented new instruments for some cultures to get the music to sound a certain way.

2. I don't know how this will play out in the movie, but it seems from the trailer that Chani is actively connecting with Paul through dreams, instead of it just being all on his side. 

3. The trailer also gives the impression that Duncan is the traitor. That's actually a pretty good red herring, given that Duncan is sent to the planet before everyone else. If someone was going to get to a member of Leto's household, Duncan is a logical choice.

4. There are moments of humor in the trailer. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It makes the characters feel more human, of course, but this isn't the kind of story where a lot of humor would work.

5. So far, all of the ships we've seen have been unique and stunning. This is important. Dune has so many separations in it, in terms of cultures and philosophies and social structures. The idea that everyone would have vastly different ideas about ship aesthetics seems right to me. 

6. There is a flash in the bits around the Harkonnens where you see a lot of almost naked people upside down and splayed in some kind of metal wall or a ship. I'm wondering if that is a sacrifice of some kind or a punishment. It's a disturbing sight, but well within the Harkonnen mentality.

7. Speaking of which, I got to see my first visuals of the Baron moving around. His propulsion through the air is a sticking point to a lot of people. In the last movie, it was basically comical and clownish. In this scene, he looms up like some wicked snake. I liked it.

8. We don't see a lot of Jessica, but I'm okay with that. We see fashion bits from her and one instance hinting at how dangerous she really is. I think it's best to kind of work people into the idea how the formidable nature of the Bene Gesserit.  

9. The trailer makes it quite clear we're headed into a tragedy. I'm not sure how much of the desert scenes are Paul's visions and how much will actually be happening in this movie, as the book is split into two movies, but my hope is that most of the desert part happens in the second one. This movie will work better if we have more time to get to know these characters before the majority of them die.   

10. Dune is an exploration of how far humanity can go in evolving on philosophical and physical principles. The clashes and conflicts behind those various positions come together on the planet known as Dune because Dune supplies them with the drug needed to make their paths possible. It's important to explain this or the movie is just going to be confusing to people not familiar with the material. 

Life Landmark

My grandparents bought the house I now live in when I was in elementary school. Crosswise from their home is another rock house. All of these years, it has had a large tree in the side yard.....until today.

A few weeks ago, said tree was still alive. We don't know if it was hit by lightning or what but in the last 14 days or so, the tree completely died. The house is abandoned and has been for several years so the city removed the tree. Apparently, it was more damaged than we realized. It was so decayed on the inside that it came down without them even having to use saws on it.

This is sad for me. That tree has been part of my life landscape for decades. I'll miss it. Two of my other neighbors have trees in their yards that I love dearly and if anything happens to them, it will be heartbreaking. 

I don't know what happens to the spirit of trees when they go, but I hope that one finds a lovely new destiny. It will be missed.  

Dune Movie Thoughts

They released new images from the movie. This is the first time I've seen the Baron and I think I'm pleased. I know he's supposed to be decadent and perverted, but he's also part of an elite breeding program. He's Paul's grandfather for goodness sake. Even if his body is bloated and messed up, the base of who he is should still be beautiful.

I love the font they use for the movie title. I like that it's basically the same curve in just a different direction (with one line through it for the E). I think that's rather fitting.

I'm still not sure about some of the casting. This isn't for whatever purity test reasons some Gatekeepers seem to have. I'm just not sure if some of these people have the magnitude of personality needed for these characters. I am sure about Jessica though. I've seen her work. I anticipate she'll do well. 

I also realize none of this matters because I'll probably love it anyway. That's just how I am with Dune. I get enchanted by the whole of what it is. 

October can't get here soon enough. 

Balance and Lack Of

In the long list of Things that Break, the lid to the litter box broke this morning. We're not even sure how. It was a really strange, jagged break. I don't think it was extreme in the temp because we really haven't had those this summer. My roommate thinks one of the cats did it with misguided cat balancing acts. He's probably correct. In my long history of cats, I've always owned one that THOUGHT they were more graceful than they truly were. 

Anyway, a new litter box is ordered. We're going with a different type now because I wasn't overly fond of this last one and the one before it doesn't seem to be available anymore. That's a pity too. I liked that box a lot. It was a nice fancy red color. The cats got to do their business in style!

I guess my practical goal for the week is to actually learn how to better use my phone. I'm not sure how to transfer calls well (hung up on someone in the process today) and I have no clue about how to put it on speaker. It's probably all very obvious but I've just not looked at the obvious stuff. I will though.

Meds are starting to really cause my brain to bouncy and distracted again. I have like seven tabs open right now and I keep hopping from one to the other. I'm hoping that levels out again. 

Your Brand

We started watching Making the Cut and on the first episode, the judges went into this big discussion about branding and how people needed to be able to explain their brand and clothing.

Do I agree? Yes and no.

I believe your brand should be clear. That is an important part of not only marketing but also of aesthetics. It helps you know how to edit, how to select materials, and how to speak with potential customers. It is easier to win any competition and to create anything if you have a clear idea about your goals and philosophies. 

At the same time, I found the way the judges approached this aspect of the competition to be rather ableist. Not everyone can articulate verbally what they can show you visually. The contestant they put on the spot over this created the best clothing of the night. Could he speak in a charming way about what he made? No. It that take away from the outfits? In my opinion, also no. But the way they approached it was clearly frustrating and difficult for him. He's not personable. That doesn't mean he can't make glorious things. 

I realize that the fashion industry is more than just having a finger on the pulse of where fashion is going. I realize practical skills are required for someone to survive in the industry. But you can hire someone to help you brand yourself. You just need to internally understand what that brand really is.

Strange Weather

We're having these strange storms that don't really cool anything down (much) and basically torture everyone beforehand by being dreary and insanely humid. I'm tired of them.

Pretty sure the cat is tired of them too. I think her hips are acting up. She's taking the paths of least resistance to get around. Normally both cats hop from thing to thing (because the floor is lava, you know) but she's been skulking recently. 

We're halfway through July. Only two and a half more months of summerhell. 

Gold Ribbons

I finished a fic today that's been a year or so in the making. I found it about three months ago. It tackled the idea of Fingon, several years after his rebirth, retreating from Tirion and establishing his own household on the far banks of Aman. Over time, his settlement grows, he brings Maedhros out of Mandos, and ends with their marriage. 

It was one of the first fics I started, back when I had less of an understanding of who these characters were. The fic introduced me to various fanon concepts I've come to embrace and I'm grateful for that. 

I was aware of Russingon (the Maedhros/Fingon ship) before this, in fact, recognized it had to be A THING just from the canon story itself, but this fic helped to flesh certain aspects of it out to me. Fingon's gold hair ornaments (either bands or ribbons) are pretty well known.

In this fic, he wore ribbons. After his death, Maedhros kept some of them and basically carried them as a love/mourning token until his own death. Even after that, Elrond kept one of them as a memento to his foster father and the great love he'd lost. He presents the ancient ribbon to Fingon as proof of how devoted to him Maedhros stayed. 

This part of the story was so very well written. It's the moment I really fell in love with the story, just this idea of such deep love and loss. I knew I would finish it to the end. 

Speaking of, the last chapter of the fic dropped today. It ended well and I will miss it. 

Somewhat Better

I'm not as ill today. I'm still not feeling 100, but it's closer. We were supposed to do Things yesterday but opted to put them off and just try to recover. I think it was the best decision.  

I have a bit of a headache right now, but that's from putting numbers into a machine. I stopped so hopefully my head will clear. I'm also hotter than I should be because the cat refused to leave my lap for a while. Thankfully she's gone now.

I had some small goals today and I met them. So yay me.

Desk Issues

I need a new desk. The one I have now is old and starting to be nonfunctional. I need to reorganize my space and to do so, it would be helpful if I had a new desk. Finding a new desk is proving to be difficult.

Things I HAVE TO consider about a new desk.

Desk size: The desk is in my living room. It really can't be too big. At the same time, it also needs to be the right height. And depth. I really can't budge too much on this aspect of the desk.

Strong wheels: I have to be able to move the desk around, so I need it to either slide well or to have strong wheels. Not just those little plastic wheels, good wheels. Industrial wheels. 

Budget: As this is a daily use/long-term use item, I don't mind spending a reasonable amount on it. Reasonable is the keyword here though. Desks can get expensive very quickly.

Functionality: The desk needs to function for me. It needs to move, hold my computer and computer pieces, be sturdy, and not in the way.

Things I don't HAVE TO consider, but would still like:

Storage: I can get away without a lot of storage on the desk because I have other storage items, but more storage is always welcome.

Stylish: This desk is in the living room and I would like it to be attractive. This isn't a dealbreaker for me, but it would please me if I could have it.  

So, this doesn't, in my mind, seem like a long list of requirements. I've been looking for a new desk for almost a year though, and I have so far found NOTHING that meets my needs. Nothing. I've found some compromises that I was almost willing to make, but just couldn't bring myself to, but nothing perfect. Nothing anywhere even near perfect.

It's very frustrating. I would love to just design my own desk, but I'm guessing that would be way out of my budget. 

The search continues

 

Still Ill

I'm fortunate that the weather isn't so bad right now. That would make the ick I'm feeling so much worse. As it is, I'm tired and drained. My breathing is pretty bad tonight. The humidity is up, which is probably the reason for that.

My stomach was betterish today. I'm still not in a great place with it, but at least it wasn't as bad as the day before. Hopefully, I'll get some decent sleep tonight.

Ill

My roommate and I have been ill for the last several days. I'm basically to the point of almost fearing food because I'm not happy about what it will do to my stomach. This is pretty awful. It needs to calm down and stop.

Aside from that, it was a pretty good day. The weather was mild. I was able to sleep well last night and function today without lamenting the world. We watched a show tonight that, always before, I've watched on my computer. It's weird to see it on the TV. The screen size makes such a difference. 

Storming

It's storming right now so I'll keep this short. The storm is wonderful. It cooled things down a lot and I'm really grateful for that because today has been muggy and awful. 

We're both hitting that point where even thinking about food is making us ill. Meals will be sketchy for a while. Probably until September. We'll just get by on whatever we actually feel we can stomach. 

Perhaps that won't be a problem tomorrow if this storm actually keeps things cool for a bit.

Early Post

As I am in a relatively decent mood, I thought I'd post early.  I slept well and it isn't hot yet, so those aspects of my life are better than they have been. I've been such a grumpy bitch lately. 

However, the whole 'feels horrible during summer' thing has me thinking about how close Maedhros came to actually becoming an orc. For those who don't know, in JRRT's work, elves could become orcs through torture and pain. Maedhros was tortured in Angband for some years before being rescued. He was an elf raised in Aman and in possession of a lot of mental fortitude. He had a strong support system when he came home. These things helped him not losing himself. One could argue that dealing for centuries with his father might have also given him a certain resistance to pain and domineering personalities. 

It also helped that he had a lot to focus on. He had to try and handle his brothers. He had his own followers who needed him to lead them. He had Fingon . . . either way you choose to read that relationship, they clearly cared about each other, either as friends or more. After all of this was lost to him, Maglor kidnapped adopted Elrond and Elros, given Maedhros a new motivation to keep going. 

Yet despite all of that, he still gave up his kingdom, moved to an isolated fortress called Ever Cold so he could watch Morgoth, killed his own people, attacked a refugee camp, stole things, and committed suicide.

My current theory is that the orcism was always there, doing its best to push up and take over. He fought it, but as the years passed and he lost more and more, fighting it was increasingly difficult.

And really, maybe it was the Oath that kept him from it. When Maedhros and Maglor took the Silmarils and their hands were burning because of it, I think Maedhros reached this point of no return. The Oath was as fulfilled as he could make it and still and still and still things were worse. There was more pain. I think he lost the war with the orc taking over at that moment and fell into the fires because it seemed like the better option. 

I know a lot of people dislike how the earlier histories of Arda are darker than what we see in The Hobbit or even Lord of the Rings. But to me, the earlier stories show so much depth. With a character like Maedhros, Tolkien explores the horrors of PTSD, cognitive dissonance, domineering/brilliant/destructive parents, and the struggle to keep living when you feel broken. Maedhros fought battles, but his WAR was inside of him. In the end, he chose to end his life instead of letting himself live in a world past the point of him finally losing that battle. 

And does it hurt just as much that he left Maglor alone? Yes. But then again, he probably felt that leaving his brother was the only mercy he could give him. It was not a happy ending, but it was a realistic one. 

The Unhelpful Rain

Okay look, I get that the rain we had tonight was good for outside. Nature needed it. However, it sucked for us. It lowered the temp just enough to where we couldn't run the AC without it causing issues. At the same time, it left the air humid and steamy. I went from being comfortable and happy to just sweaty and kind of ill in the space of an hour. I still don't feel that great.

So that basically ruined my evening. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

The Struggle

I'm trying so hard not to let the sadness get to me. It's trying. I'm doing my best to avoid it. It isn't easy. Hot weather makes it more difficult.

We had tasks this week. We've mostly completed the tasks. I don't think we have to do anything tomorrow. I plan on spending the day trying to not let depression get me. 

Human Contact

I got to see my baby today!! It's been well over a year since I was able to hug my best friend's daughter. It's the longest I've gone without hugging her since she was born. 

It was wonderful, but it was also difficult. I'm still not good at being around people again. My body was really nervous about the visit and responding in all of its usual ways. At least I didn't get hives. 

In little kid years, 15 or so months is a long time. She's grown so much. Her hair texture has changed. She's taller. Most of her little-childness has melted away. I feel so robbed. I'm sure a lot of people who haven't been around their beloved kiddos in the last year feel the same. 

I'm really grateful I got to see her. I'm so thankful we both made it through this. 

After the Holiday

Still hard to breathe today. The weather was okay though. It's nice that we'll have a few days in July with no AC. Any little bit helps. 

They're still shooting fireworks tonight and the cats aren't happy. Hopefully, this will be the last night. Maybe they'll save the rest for New Year's Eve.

Spangled

Today was the 4th of July. I'm watching people's fireworks go off around me. I'll enjoy it tonight (the night it's proper to shoot them!) instead of grousing like I usually do. 

To celebrate freedom, I swept the kitchen and folded some towels. The towels look great. The kitchen looks no different. The old flooring really needs to be redone. Okay, let's be honest here. The whole house needs to be redone. 

Anyway, this week I get to see my friend and her precious goblin. It's been over a year since I saw the goblin and I miss her dearly. I'm rather excited about this.

The Strong Mollies

Tinkerbell was a homeless cat for many years of her life. Most of the time, since she came to live with us, she is okay. But sometimes, the outside world comes inside and it scares her.

This is most true during the 4th of July. My neighbors set off so many fireworks that it just fries her nerves. Right now she's hiding under my bed. She went in there around the time it started to get dark. I think she knew the Loud Noises would start happening soon. She'll probably do this until enough days have passed that she feels safe enough to hang out in the open again. Basically, this time of year wrecks between a week and two weeks of her life, depending on when they decide to start shooking the firecrackers. And that sucks because she doesn't have much time left.

We're doing for her what we can. We'll try to comfort her as much as possible. But the main thing right now is just to wait this out.

Pops

Basically, my whole evening was just neighborhood kids blowing up fireworks. The cats are hiding. I'm annoyed. It's difficult to breathe. I hope they're happy. 

July is here. Yay. One hellmonth of hellsummer down. Only like three to possibly four more to go. This depends on how much of a bitch October decides to be. I've already given up on September. It's basically just Late and Wicked Summer now. Then I'll get my two days of Autumn before it decides to just rain and be dreary and finally turn into some kind of frightening hellscape of snow that people will want me to go out in. 

Yay.